The Onion | October 7, 2016
NEW YORK—Advising pundits, reporters, and the general public to rein in their indignation for the time being, Republican nominee Donald Trump admitted Friday that he knew his recently unearthed comments about groping women and attempting to engage them in extramarital affairs were pretty bad, but that everyone “should really save [their] energy” for what he was going to say next.
“I’m fully aware that what I was recorded saying about using my celebrity status to sexually assault women is extremely vile and disturbing, but I want you to know that you’re really best saving your outrage and disgust for some thoughts I still haven’t verbalized yet, believe me,” said Trump, noting that if everyone worked themselves into a frenzy at his assertion that he couldn’t help but make aggressive advances on every woman he finds physically attractive or his use of the phrase “grab them by the pussy,” they simply wouldn’t have the stamina to denounce a series of forthcoming statements that the candidate assured would be even more reprehensible.
“Look, I get it. What I said, frankly, should not be accepted in civil society, let alone by a major party candidate for president of the United States, but we’ve got another whole month until the election—I’m going to say a lot more unconscionably repulsive things. Trust me, you will be much more sick to your stomach with the stuff I’m going to say after this. It’s going to be so, so revolting.”
At press time, Trump was standing at 44 percent in the national polls.
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