The Onion / June 17, 2013
BOSTON—One week into the criminal trial of alleged mobster James “Whitey” Bulger, reports surfaced Monday that the accused organized crime kingpin ordered the murders of 19 separate people, according to anonymous testimony from a cheese-eating rat bastard who’s about to get what’s coming to him in a big way.
“Though he has so far evaded jail time for his numerous criminal acts, I can confirm that Mr. Bulger personally ordered and in some cases himself carried out the killings of 19 individuals,” said the man who just signed his own death warrant, and who sources very, very close to the situation confirmed better not be thinking about showing his face in Dorchester ever again unless it’s in a fucking casket. “While I am aware that my deposition may draw the unwanted attentions of Mr. Bulger and his associates, I believe that this man must atone for his actions.”
At press time, sources have confirmed that the gutless snitch’s testimony could pose an immediate risk to his, shall we say, livelihood, given Mr. Bulger’s numerous underworld connections, all of whom are reportedly going to find him no matter how far he runs or how much protection the feds say they’re gonna give him.
Recent reports have concluded definitively that Whitey’s got friends all over the world, too, so it don’t matter if this tale-telling bastard is hiding in Brockton or Timbuktu; they’ll sniff his ass out. That’s right, rat. And maybe some of those friends might be sending some guys to tune you up right now. You reading this, you dirty, squeaking rat fuck? If you are, you might want to send a copy of this article to your 9-year-old daughter at Sleepaway Camp over in Sudbury. We got your attention now, you cocksucking fink? Should have thought about that before you decided to try and fuck Whitey.
You don’t fuck Whitey, sources concluded. Whitey fucks you.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
MARRIAGE IN HEAVEN?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was killed in a car crash.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed some pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? 'What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed.
St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple.
'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'First it was marriage, now you’re asking about a divorce,' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?'
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed some pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? 'What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed.
St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple.
'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'First it was marriage, now you’re asking about a divorce,' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?'
Friday, June 14, 2013
RODEO-POSITION SEX
Two Texas cowhands were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.’ Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.”
One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.’ Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.”
A WEST VIRGINIA LOVE POEM
Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ‘bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half-brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said, There’s trouble still.
You can’t marry Will my gal.
And please don’t tell yo’ mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo’
I know is yo’ half-brother
But mama knew and said, My child,
Just do what makes yo’ happy.
Go marry Will or marry Joe,
'Cause you ain’t no kin to pappy!
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ‘bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half-brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said, There’s trouble still.
You can’t marry Will my gal.
And please don’t tell yo’ mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo’
I know is yo’ half-brother
But mama knew and said, My child,
Just do what makes yo’ happy.
Go marry Will or marry Joe,
'Cause you ain’t no kin to pappy!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
PUBLIC LEWDNESS AT GUNS-R-US
By Pamela Putz
The Unconventional Gazette / June 12, 2013
PINEVILLE, W. Va. – Sheriff’s deputies arrested 81-year-old Homer Ferguson for public lewdness at the Guns-R-Us store in Pineville.
A Sheriff's spokesman told The Unconventional Gazette that Ferguson caused a loud disturbance at the checkout stand Monday when he attempted to pay for some gunpowder and ammunition he was purchasing. The gun shop's cashier told the arresting officers that all of a sudden Ferguson up and stripped off his clothing. She said the naked man caused quite a commotion among the store’s other customers.
According to the police report, here is Ferguson’s version:
“I was trying to pay for a can of gun powder and a couple boxes of bullets, but I was having a problem swiping my credit card. Suddenly the cashier told me to ‘Strip down, facing me!’ While making a mental note to complain to my Congressman about our ridiculous gun control laws, I complied with the cashier’s instructions. The cashier screamed, and she kept on screaming, and I noticed people running for the exit. Then the cops came and arrested me. It wasn't until then that I found out the cashier was only telling me how to swipe my credit card.”
During his arraignment Tuesday, Ferguson appeared in court along with the arresting officers and the Guns-R-Us manager and cashier. When Justice of the Peace Caleb McGuire heard Ferguson’s explanation he dismissed the public lewdness charge. Judge McGuire admonished the manager and cashier that they needed to be a lot clearer with their credit card swiping instructions to seniors.
The Guns-R-Us manager told The Unconventional Gazette that he asked Ferguson to shop elsewhere in the future.
Editor’s Note: Had old Homer stripped buck-naked in a store in San Francisco, the cashier would not have screamed and the other customers would have continued shopping, taking hardly any notice. If anything, they would have been pissed-off at an 81-year-old naked geezer for holding up the line at the checkout stand.
The Unconventional Gazette / June 12, 2013
PINEVILLE, W. Va. – Sheriff’s deputies arrested 81-year-old Homer Ferguson for public lewdness at the Guns-R-Us store in Pineville.
A Sheriff's spokesman told The Unconventional Gazette that Ferguson caused a loud disturbance at the checkout stand Monday when he attempted to pay for some gunpowder and ammunition he was purchasing. The gun shop's cashier told the arresting officers that all of a sudden Ferguson up and stripped off his clothing. She said the naked man caused quite a commotion among the store’s other customers.
According to the police report, here is Ferguson’s version:
“I was trying to pay for a can of gun powder and a couple boxes of bullets, but I was having a problem swiping my credit card. Suddenly the cashier told me to ‘Strip down, facing me!’ While making a mental note to complain to my Congressman about our ridiculous gun control laws, I complied with the cashier’s instructions. The cashier screamed, and she kept on screaming, and I noticed people running for the exit. Then the cops came and arrested me. It wasn't until then that I found out the cashier was only telling me how to swipe my credit card.”
During his arraignment Tuesday, Ferguson appeared in court along with the arresting officers and the Guns-R-Us manager and cashier. When Justice of the Peace Caleb McGuire heard Ferguson’s explanation he dismissed the public lewdness charge. Judge McGuire admonished the manager and cashier that they needed to be a lot clearer with their credit card swiping instructions to seniors.
The Guns-R-Us manager told The Unconventional Gazette that he asked Ferguson to shop elsewhere in the future.
Editor’s Note: Had old Homer stripped buck-naked in a store in San Francisco, the cashier would not have screamed and the other customers would have continued shopping, taking hardly any notice. If anything, they would have been pissed-off at an 81-year-old naked geezer for holding up the line at the checkout stand.
THE NOMINEES AND WINNER OF THE 2012 DARWIN AWARDS
THE NOMINEES AND WINNER OF THE 2012 DARWING AWARDS
Nominee No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft.”
Nominee No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4 [UPI, Toronto ]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.
Nominee No. 5 [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6 [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7 [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!! [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his testicles off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
Nominee No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft.”
Nominee No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4 [UPI, Toronto ]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.
Nominee No. 5 [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6 [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7 [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!! [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his testicles off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
LITTLE DARRELL HAS SOME ADVICE FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA
The Unconventional Gazette / June 11, 2013
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in South Carolina, asked the kids and their teachers for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once clap every few seconds, holding the audience spellbound.
Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.”
Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the quiet and shouted, "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!”
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in South Carolina, asked the kids and their teachers for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once clap every few seconds, holding the audience spellbound.
Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.”
Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the quiet and shouted, "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)