Having sex while driving could be safer than texting while driving, provided that the driver is not drunk. In any case, having sex is a lot more enjoyable than texting.
But hiding half-naked behind a cactus could turn into a painful experience.
POLICE: DRUNK DRIVER CRASHED DURING SEX, HID BEHIND CACTUS
Police say he was having sex with a woman while driving drunk and crashed, ejecting the woman from the vehicle
Associated Press
May 29, 2013
ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico — A New Mexico man faces multiple charges after police say he was having sex with a woman while driving drunk and crashed, ejecting the woman from the vehicle.
The Albuquerque Journal reports 25-year-old Luis Briones was found with one shoe on and his shorts on inside-out Monday night after he wrecked his Ford Explorer in Albuquerque.
Police say Briones' female passenger was found naked outside the sport utility vehicle after being ejected. She had deep cuts to her face and head.
Authorities allege Briones tried to drive away after the crash and abandon his passenger, but a witness grabbed his keys from the ignition. He also allegedly tried to hide from responding officers behind a cactus.
Briones is charged with aggravated driving while intoxicated, reckless driving and evading police.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
REPORT: TEXTING WHILE DRIVING OKAY IF YOU LOOK UP EVERY COUPLE SECONDS
The Onion / May 27, 20013
WASHINGTON—A new report published Monday by the National Transportation Safety Board advises motorists that sending text messages while driving “is totally fine” and “not that big a deal” as long as you make sure to glance up from your phone every now and then.
“If you’re driving and have a really important text to send, that’s okay; just try to keep one eye on the road as best you can,” NTSB chairman Deborah Hersman said of the report, which advocates a new “50-50 rule” for texting drivers, suggesting they keep half their attention on the road and half on their handheld device. “After all, you can always steer with your knees or—if you really want to be extra careful—text with one hand and hold the wheel with the other. Better yet, just ask a passenger to give you a heads-up whenever there’s a red light or another car up ahead.”
Hersman added that the report’s findings apply not only to texting, but also to checking email, playing games, or watching movies while driving.
WASHINGTON—A new report published Monday by the National Transportation Safety Board advises motorists that sending text messages while driving “is totally fine” and “not that big a deal” as long as you make sure to glance up from your phone every now and then.
“If you’re driving and have a really important text to send, that’s okay; just try to keep one eye on the road as best you can,” NTSB chairman Deborah Hersman said of the report, which advocates a new “50-50 rule” for texting drivers, suggesting they keep half their attention on the road and half on their handheld device. “After all, you can always steer with your knees or—if you really want to be extra careful—text with one hand and hold the wheel with the other. Better yet, just ask a passenger to give you a heads-up whenever there’s a red light or another car up ahead.”
Hersman added that the report’s findings apply not only to texting, but also to checking email, playing games, or watching movies while driving.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
HOLDUP VICTIM SNEAKS OUT BACKDOOR, STEALS ROBBERS’ GETAWAY CAR
By Bob Walsh
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / May 25, 2013
Two bad guys with guns entered a business in south Stockton about 2140 hours on Thursday night and jumped the counter. They cleaned out the register and ordered the manager to open the safe.
Another employee saw what was going down, went out the back and got into their waiting getaway car and drove it away.
Responding cops found the bad guys and the cash in a field nearby. They arrested Jeremy Lovitt, 23, and Gabriel Gonzales, 19.
That maybe wasn't the safest thing in the world for the employee to do, but it was certainly creative and most effective.
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / May 25, 2013
Two bad guys with guns entered a business in south Stockton about 2140 hours on Thursday night and jumped the counter. They cleaned out the register and ordered the manager to open the safe.
Another employee saw what was going down, went out the back and got into their waiting getaway car and drove it away.
Responding cops found the bad guys and the cash in a field nearby. They arrested Jeremy Lovitt, 23, and Gabriel Gonzales, 19.
That maybe wasn't the safest thing in the world for the employee to do, but it was certainly creative and most effective.
Friday, May 24, 2013
WHEN THE GRIM REAPER IS NOT FAR AWAY
A touching message from a former Marine
By Bill Pfeifer / Not as lean; not as mean; but still a Marine
As I approach my twilight years, I am struck by the inevitability that the party must end. And one clear, cold morning after I'm gone, my spouse will awaken in the warmth of our bedroom and be struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore."
No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute."
Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, or say "I love you."
So while we have it, its best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick.
This is true for marriage and old cars, children with bad report cards, dogs with bad hips, a aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a son-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.
Life is important, like people we know who are special. And so, we keep them close!
Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know how you really feel?
The important thing is to let every one of your friends know your true feelings, even if you think they don't love you back.
So, just in case I'm gone tomorrow, please rest assured I voted against that incompetent, bleeding heart, socialist piece of shit Obama................
By Bill Pfeifer / Not as lean; not as mean; but still a Marine
As I approach my twilight years, I am struck by the inevitability that the party must end. And one clear, cold morning after I'm gone, my spouse will awaken in the warmth of our bedroom and be struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore."
No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute."
Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, or say "I love you."
So while we have it, its best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick.
This is true for marriage and old cars, children with bad report cards, dogs with bad hips, a aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a son-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.
Life is important, like people we know who are special. And so, we keep them close!
Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know how you really feel?
The important thing is to let every one of your friends know your true feelings, even if you think they don't love you back.
So, just in case I'm gone tomorrow, please rest assured I voted against that incompetent, bleeding heart, socialist piece of shit Obama................
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
PLEASE HELP MY FRIEND
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / May 21, 2013
I’m reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who desperately needs some help but wishes to remain anonymous.
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he returned, he handed her a bottle containing a 90-day supply of diet pills. She blew up and threw him and all his belongings out of the house.
Now he’s looking for a place to live.
Can you help him? Come on guys, lend a hand here! You may find yourself in this same position someday.
The Unconventional Gazette / May 21, 2013
I’m reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who desperately needs some help but wishes to remain anonymous.
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he returned, he handed her a bottle containing a 90-day supply of diet pills. She blew up and threw him and all his belongings out of the house.
Now he’s looking for a place to live.
Can you help him? Come on guys, lend a hand here! You may find yourself in this same position someday.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
THE SECRET TO SUCCESS: SURROUND YOURSELF WITH INTELLIGENT PEOPLE
The Unconventional Gazette / May 19, 2013
When Barack Obama met with Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace, he asked her, "Yo … Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Harry in here, would you?"
Prince Harry walked into the room and said, "Yes, Grandmother?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Harry. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Harry answered, "That would be me, Grandmother."
"Yes Harry! Very good." said the Queen.
Obama returned to the White House and summoned Joe Biden to ask the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I haven’t the slightest idea," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Biden went to his advisers and asked everyone the same question, but none could give him an answer. Frustrated, Biden went to work out in the congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there. Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, you're a smart guy, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot Joe."
“Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who the hell is it?"
Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!"
Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Barry, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Paul Ryan!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Prince Harry!"
When Barack Obama met with Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace, he asked her, "Yo … Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Harry in here, would you?"
Prince Harry walked into the room and said, "Yes, Grandmother?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Harry. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Prince Harry answered, "That would be me, Grandmother."
"Yes Harry! Very good." said the Queen.
Obama returned to the White House and summoned Joe Biden to ask the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I haven’t the slightest idea," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Biden went to his advisers and asked everyone the same question, but none could give him an answer. Frustrated, Biden went to work out in the congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there. Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, you're a smart guy, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot Joe."
“Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who the hell is it?"
Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!"
Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Barry, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Paul Ryan!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Prince Harry!"
SHE SCREAMED FOR OVER SIX HOURS
The Unconventional Gazette / May 19, 2013
The Italian man said, 'Last week my wife and I had great sex when I rubbed her body all over with olive oil and we made passionate love and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.'
The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter and made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.'
The Jewish man said, , well last week my wife and I also had sex and I rubbed her body all over with Schmaltz (chicken fat) and we made love and she screamed for over six hours.
The other two were stunned and the amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'
The Jewish man said, 'I wiped my hands on the bedspread.'
The Italian man said, 'Last week my wife and I had great sex when I rubbed her body all over with olive oil and we made passionate love and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.'
The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter and made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.'
The Jewish man said, , well last week my wife and I also had sex and I rubbed her body all over with Schmaltz (chicken fat) and we made love and she screamed for over six hours.
The other two were stunned and the amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'
The Jewish man said, 'I wiped my hands on the bedspread.'
Saturday, May 18, 2013
OLD TIMERS BAR
The Unconventional Gazette / May 18, 2013
Four old retired men are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired Marine Corps drill sergeant" the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar, but I couldn’t afford to buy one on my military pension. Then, last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're old homeless people. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons. And you know what ... with each coupon, I end up having to give them a dime when they buy a drink during Happy Hour."
Four old retired men are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired Marine Corps drill sergeant" the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar, but I couldn’t afford to buy one on my military pension. Then, last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're old homeless people. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons. And you know what ... with each coupon, I end up having to give them a dime when they buy a drink during Happy Hour."
Thursday, May 16, 2013
A LITTLE GIRL'S STUTTERING KITTY-CAT
The Unconventional Gazette / May 16, 2013
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back and went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
A red-faced teacher immediately told her students, “Class dismissed!”
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back and went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
A red-faced teacher immediately told her students, “Class dismissed!”
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
THIS DRUNK WAS READY TO FIND JESUS
The Unconventional Gazette / May 15, 2013
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into
the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he
asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk answers, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again ---- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher
again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into
the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he
asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk answers, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again ---- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher
again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
SASHA OBAMA SUSPICIOUS AFTER DOING A LITTLE DIGGING AROUND ON BENGHAZI
The Onion / May 14, 2013
WASHINGTON—Saying that none of the facts quite add up, first daughter Sasha Obama, 11, reported being “highly suspicious” today after poking around the details of the 2012 Benghazi attack.
“I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t make sense—first they blame the attack on a spontaneous demonstration, but now we find out the CIA talking points were secretly revised?” said the sixth-grader, sitting in the darkened White House library intensely scrolling through pages of articles about the controversy and classified Pentagon briefings. “Obviously, someone’s hiding something: the poor security; the al-Qaeda link; the leaked emails. All I’m asking for here is a simple explanation from the State Department and the White House, and I’m not getting one. I mean, who are they protecting here? And why?”
Sasha went on to tell reporters she felt even more suspicious after former defense secretary Leon Panetta failed to respond to any of her 24 voicemails.
WASHINGTON—Saying that none of the facts quite add up, first daughter Sasha Obama, 11, reported being “highly suspicious” today after poking around the details of the 2012 Benghazi attack.
“I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t make sense—first they blame the attack on a spontaneous demonstration, but now we find out the CIA talking points were secretly revised?” said the sixth-grader, sitting in the darkened White House library intensely scrolling through pages of articles about the controversy and classified Pentagon briefings. “Obviously, someone’s hiding something: the poor security; the al-Qaeda link; the leaked emails. All I’m asking for here is a simple explanation from the State Department and the White House, and I’m not getting one. I mean, who are they protecting here? And why?”
Sasha went on to tell reporters she felt even more suspicious after former defense secretary Leon Panetta failed to respond to any of her 24 voicemails.
AIRLINE PASSENGER BELTING OUT WHITNEY HOUSTON SONGS OFF-KEY FORCES EMERGENCY LANDING
BarkGrowlBite / May 15, 2013
I heard her sing on a video clip and she was really off-key, screaming the lyrics more than singing them. I can see why they diverted the flight and threw her ass off the plane.
WOMAN SINGING WHITNEY HOUSTON SONGS FORCES EMERGENCY LANDING OF AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT
By Genevieve Shaw Brown
ABC News
May 13, 2013
An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing when a female passenger refused to stop singing Whitney Houston songs.
AA Flight No. 4 was en route from Los Angles to New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport on May 9 when, according to the airline, the flight was diverted to Kansas City because of a "very unruly passenger."
A video of the woman being escorted off the plane showed the woman belting out "I Will Always Love You" as at least two uniformed officers accompanied her off the plane.
Airport spokesman Joe McBride told ABC News that a female passenger on the flight was "was being disruptive and was noncompliant with Federal Air Marshall's orders, resulting in the passenger being detained by a Federal Air Marshal."
He said the woman was taken off the airplane and interviewed. The airline would not allow her to reboard. After she calmed down she was released and she left the airport in a taxi.
American Airlines told ABC News, "A federal Air Marshall on the flight restrained, cuffed and detained the passenger. The captain declared an emergency and diverted to Kansas City. Police met the flight and took the woman into custody. The plane was refueled and continued to JFK - landing with less than an hour delay."
I heard her sing on a video clip and she was really off-key, screaming the lyrics more than singing them. I can see why they diverted the flight and threw her ass off the plane.
WOMAN SINGING WHITNEY HOUSTON SONGS FORCES EMERGENCY LANDING OF AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT
By Genevieve Shaw Brown
ABC News
May 13, 2013
An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing when a female passenger refused to stop singing Whitney Houston songs.
AA Flight No. 4 was en route from Los Angles to New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport on May 9 when, according to the airline, the flight was diverted to Kansas City because of a "very unruly passenger."
A video of the woman being escorted off the plane showed the woman belting out "I Will Always Love You" as at least two uniformed officers accompanied her off the plane.
Airport spokesman Joe McBride told ABC News that a female passenger on the flight was "was being disruptive and was noncompliant with Federal Air Marshall's orders, resulting in the passenger being detained by a Federal Air Marshal."
He said the woman was taken off the airplane and interviewed. The airline would not allow her to reboard. After she calmed down she was released and she left the airport in a taxi.
American Airlines told ABC News, "A federal Air Marshall on the flight restrained, cuffed and detained the passenger. The captain declared an emergency and diverted to Kansas City. Police met the flight and took the woman into custody. The plane was refueled and continued to JFK - landing with less than an hour delay."
Monday, May 13, 2013
KOOKFORNIAN COLDCOCKS COP SO SHE CAN STOP SMOKING
BarkGrowlBite / May 13, 2013
There are much better ways to stop smoking. A couple of ways come to mind. She could have stepped in front of a speeding car. Or she could have stopped her car on the tracks at a railroad crossing as a train is fast approaching.
SACRAMENTO WOMAN’S STOP SMOKING PLAN: SLAP A COP
CBS 13
May 8, 2013
SACRAMENTO — A woman’s plan to stop smoking involved allegedly slapping a Sacramento County deputy.
Deputy Matt Campoy says it came out of nowhere as he left his shift at the Sacramento County Jail. A woman purposely blocking his way.
“All of a sudden, she stepped into me and slapped me in the face,” he said.
That woman, 31-year-old Etta Lopez, was immediately arrested. But it turns out she had a plan: Allegedly slap a cop, kick a habit.
“She told us that she needed to quit smoking,” Campoy said.
Lopez allegedly admitted she sat in front of the county jail for hours, intent on assaulting an officer to get arrested and be put in jail, where she would be forced to stop smoking cigarettes.
“She explained it with great detail as to why,” Campoy said.
A neighbor who knows Lopez says she does smoke a lot, and they used to smoke together, but he can’t figure out her alleged smoking cessation plan.
“There’s easier ways to stop smoking than hitting a cop,” he said. “No, that’s not the way I want to quit.”
Kimberly Bankston-Lee, with the anti-smoking group Breathe California, agrees that coldcocking a cop isn’t the best way to quit cold turkey.
“If it led somebody to do something like that to quit, that lets us know in the community that we have a real problem.” she said.
There are much better ways to stop smoking. A couple of ways come to mind. She could have stepped in front of a speeding car. Or she could have stopped her car on the tracks at a railroad crossing as a train is fast approaching.
SACRAMENTO WOMAN’S STOP SMOKING PLAN: SLAP A COP
CBS 13
May 8, 2013
SACRAMENTO — A woman’s plan to stop smoking involved allegedly slapping a Sacramento County deputy.
Deputy Matt Campoy says it came out of nowhere as he left his shift at the Sacramento County Jail. A woman purposely blocking his way.
“All of a sudden, she stepped into me and slapped me in the face,” he said.
That woman, 31-year-old Etta Lopez, was immediately arrested. But it turns out she had a plan: Allegedly slap a cop, kick a habit.
“She told us that she needed to quit smoking,” Campoy said.
Lopez allegedly admitted she sat in front of the county jail for hours, intent on assaulting an officer to get arrested and be put in jail, where she would be forced to stop smoking cigarettes.
“She explained it with great detail as to why,” Campoy said.
A neighbor who knows Lopez says she does smoke a lot, and they used to smoke together, but he can’t figure out her alleged smoking cessation plan.
“There’s easier ways to stop smoking than hitting a cop,” he said. “No, that’s not the way I want to quit.”
Kimberly Bankston-Lee, with the anti-smoking group Breathe California, agrees that coldcocking a cop isn’t the best way to quit cold turkey.
“If it led somebody to do something like that to quit, that lets us know in the community that we have a real problem.” she said.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
THE CRUISE SHIP’S MAGICIAN AND THE CAPTAIN’S PARROT
The Unconventional Gazette / May 12, 2013
There was this magician who applied his trade entertaining the passengers on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each time and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" Or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day. Then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said..........
"OK, I give up. Where is the fucking ship?"
There was this magician who applied his trade entertaining the passengers on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each time and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" Or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day. Then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said..........
"OK, I give up. Where is the fucking ship?"
ALLIGATOR CHASES MAN CHASED BY COPS
BarkGrowlBite / May 12, 2913
A vigilante alligator caught the man after cops couldn’t catch him. The Pinellas Park police should recognize the gator with some kind of award for taking a bite out of crime. He wouldn’t appreciate a nice plaque, but how about 20 pounds of fresh meat.
MAN ATTACKED BY GATOR DURING POLICE CHASE DESCRIBES FIGHT
Associated Press
May 10, 2013
PINELLAS PARK, Florida — The man attacked by an alligator after fleeing police in Florida this week said Friday that he ran into a fight for his life with the reptile.
Bryan Zuniga, 20, told Tampa Bay's Fox 13 News on Friday that he was swimming and trying to hide when a 6-to-8-foot gator lunged at him.
Zuniga said he was nearly knocked unconscious when the gator's mouth hit his head. He fought back with both legs and the arm got caught between the alligator's jaws.
The Pinellas County, Fla. Sheriff's Office said Zuniga ran away and into a water treatment plant after being pulled over by deputies on Thursday. He was later found at a hospital being treated for puncture wounds to the face, arm and armpit area.
Zuniga has been charged with eluding police.
A vigilante alligator caught the man after cops couldn’t catch him. The Pinellas Park police should recognize the gator with some kind of award for taking a bite out of crime. He wouldn’t appreciate a nice plaque, but how about 20 pounds of fresh meat.
MAN ATTACKED BY GATOR DURING POLICE CHASE DESCRIBES FIGHT
Associated Press
May 10, 2013
PINELLAS PARK, Florida — The man attacked by an alligator after fleeing police in Florida this week said Friday that he ran into a fight for his life with the reptile.
Bryan Zuniga, 20, told Tampa Bay's Fox 13 News on Friday that he was swimming and trying to hide when a 6-to-8-foot gator lunged at him.
Zuniga said he was nearly knocked unconscious when the gator's mouth hit his head. He fought back with both legs and the arm got caught between the alligator's jaws.
The Pinellas County, Fla. Sheriff's Office said Zuniga ran away and into a water treatment plant after being pulled over by deputies on Thursday. He was later found at a hospital being treated for puncture wounds to the face, arm and armpit area.
Zuniga has been charged with eluding police.
Friday, May 10, 2013
JESUS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
The Unconventional Gazette / May 10, 2013
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He loved to argue
3. His Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 very compelling arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But feminists provided the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a Woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He loved to argue
3. His Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 very compelling arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But feminists provided the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a Woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
LINDSAY LOHAN’S REHAB STINT OFF TO GREAT START – AND SHE’S GONE
The Onion / May 7, 2013
RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Just a few days after beginning her court-ordered rehabilitation at the Betty Ford Center, sources close to Lindsay Lohan told reporters today that the troubled actress’ rehab stint is off to a fantastic start—oh, wait, she’s gone.
“I’m happy to report that Lindsay has acknowledged her addictions and is finally serious about getting clean and—hold on, where’d she go?” said Betty Ford substance abuse counselor Tamera White, who claimed that the Hollywood starlet had entered into her 90-day treatment program with enthusiasm, actively engaging in group therapy and showing a genuine desire to break from the habits—except reports now confirm she’s not in her room, her purse is gone, and she’s running out the front entrance. “Hmm. Okay. Well, better luck next time, I guess.”
At press time, Lohan has been taken into police custody after crashing her Corvette two blocks away from the recovery center.
RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Just a few days after beginning her court-ordered rehabilitation at the Betty Ford Center, sources close to Lindsay Lohan told reporters today that the troubled actress’ rehab stint is off to a fantastic start—oh, wait, she’s gone.
“I’m happy to report that Lindsay has acknowledged her addictions and is finally serious about getting clean and—hold on, where’d she go?” said Betty Ford substance abuse counselor Tamera White, who claimed that the Hollywood starlet had entered into her 90-day treatment program with enthusiasm, actively engaging in group therapy and showing a genuine desire to break from the habits—except reports now confirm she’s not in her room, her purse is gone, and she’s running out the front entrance. “Hmm. Okay. Well, better luck next time, I guess.”
At press time, Lohan has been taken into police custody after crashing her Corvette two blocks away from the recovery center.
Monday, May 6, 2013
ALLEGED L.A. CAR THIEF STYMIED BY MANUAL TRANSMISSION, CAN’T DRIVE STICK SHIFT -- OR ELUDE COPS
City News Service / May 5, 2013
LOS ANGELES -- An inability to steal an auto with a clutch and manual transmission sent a car thief to jail today in the Mid-City area of Los Angeles, a police sergeant said.
Officers saw the suspect driving erratically about 4:50 a.m. near 18th Street and Westmoreland Avenue, said Los Angeles police Sgt. J. Kevany of the Olympic station.
"Officers saw the guy driving a stick shift -- like he didn't know how to drive a stick shift," Kevany said. "He made eye contact with the officers and drove away."
The suspect eventually abandoned the vehicle, and ran from it. A perimeter was set up in the area of 18th Street and Westmoreland Avenue, where the suspect was arrested after three hours, the police sergeant said. No one was hurt.
Kevany said he had no description of the vehicle, other than its transmission.
LOS ANGELES -- An inability to steal an auto with a clutch and manual transmission sent a car thief to jail today in the Mid-City area of Los Angeles, a police sergeant said.
Officers saw the suspect driving erratically about 4:50 a.m. near 18th Street and Westmoreland Avenue, said Los Angeles police Sgt. J. Kevany of the Olympic station.
"Officers saw the guy driving a stick shift -- like he didn't know how to drive a stick shift," Kevany said. "He made eye contact with the officers and drove away."
The suspect eventually abandoned the vehicle, and ran from it. A perimeter was set up in the area of 18th Street and Westmoreland Avenue, where the suspect was arrested after three hours, the police sergeant said. No one was hurt.
Kevany said he had no description of the vehicle, other than its transmission.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
WOULD BE TURTLE BOMBER GETS JUST DESERVES
BarkGrowlBite / May 5, 2013
Who says there’s no justice in the world? This shit-for-brains 19-year-old turd got exactly what he deserved.
TEEN INJURED AFTER HOMEMADE BOMBS EXPLODE
Click2Hopuston.com
May 5, 2013
KINGWOOD, Texas - A 19-year-old was injured after homemade bombs accidentally exploded in his pocket.
Houston police said the 19-year-old and an 18-year-old made bombs and were planning to take them to a bayou to blow up turtles. According to reports, they were heading down to the bayou on Valley Rim Drive in Kingwood when the 19-year-old lit a cigar.
Police said the ashes from that cigar ignited the cartridges that the teen had in his pocket. He suffered burns to his hands, face, and lower extremities.
Who says there’s no justice in the world? This shit-for-brains 19-year-old turd got exactly what he deserved.
TEEN INJURED AFTER HOMEMADE BOMBS EXPLODE
Click2Hopuston.com
May 5, 2013
KINGWOOD, Texas - A 19-year-old was injured after homemade bombs accidentally exploded in his pocket.
Houston police said the 19-year-old and an 18-year-old made bombs and were planning to take them to a bayou to blow up turtles. According to reports, they were heading down to the bayou on Valley Rim Drive in Kingwood when the 19-year-old lit a cigar.
Police said the ashes from that cigar ignited the cartridges that the teen had in his pocket. He suffered burns to his hands, face, and lower extremities.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
ALWAYS CHOOSE A MEMORABLE COMPUTER PASSWORD!
The Unconventional Gazette / May 4, 2013
A woman helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
When the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a password:
mypenis
After he clicked on "enter" to validate the selection, his wife collapsed with laughter and rolled on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied:
too short – access denied
A woman helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
When the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a password:
mypenis
After he clicked on "enter" to validate the selection, his wife collapsed with laughter and rolled on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied:
too short – access denied
Thursday, May 2, 2013
UMASS DARTMOUTH BEGINNING TO REGRET OFFERING COURSE IN APPLIED DOMESTIC TERRORISM
The Onion / May 1, 2013
DARTMOUTH, MA—After federal authorities arrested two students from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth on Tuesday in connection with the Boston Marathon bombings, officials at the university told reporters they are starting to seriously regret offering a semester-long course in Applied Domestic Terrorism.
“ADT 201 has long been one of the most popular courses in our registry, and we have always tried to offer a progressive and wide-ranging list of classes to our undergraduate students, but we recognize, at this juncture, that this particular plan of study may not have been well-considered,” university spokesman Greg Stelter said of the popular tutorial-style course, which reportedly uses a “problem-solving approach” to equip students with the knowledge of homegrown terrorism techniques and the skills for carrying out large-scale domestic attacks on innocent civilians in major metropolitan areas. “It’s a shame, because this is one of the only programs out there that offers students a well-rounded survey in domestic attack planning and execution, from bomb-making to fertilizer explosions to online threats and computer viruses. Plus, it’s a required course for Domestic Terrorism majors.”
At press time, Stelter had announced that until the board of trustees had reached a decision on the course, currently enrolled students should continue attending classes and taking practical exams.
DARTMOUTH, MA—After federal authorities arrested two students from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth on Tuesday in connection with the Boston Marathon bombings, officials at the university told reporters they are starting to seriously regret offering a semester-long course in Applied Domestic Terrorism.
“ADT 201 has long been one of the most popular courses in our registry, and we have always tried to offer a progressive and wide-ranging list of classes to our undergraduate students, but we recognize, at this juncture, that this particular plan of study may not have been well-considered,” university spokesman Greg Stelter said of the popular tutorial-style course, which reportedly uses a “problem-solving approach” to equip students with the knowledge of homegrown terrorism techniques and the skills for carrying out large-scale domestic attacks on innocent civilians in major metropolitan areas. “It’s a shame, because this is one of the only programs out there that offers students a well-rounded survey in domestic attack planning and execution, from bomb-making to fertilizer explosions to online threats and computer viruses. Plus, it’s a required course for Domestic Terrorism majors.”
At press time, Stelter had announced that until the board of trustees had reached a decision on the course, currently enrolled students should continue attending classes and taking practical exams.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
CUT BY THE NEW YORK JETS, TIM TEBOW OFFERED QUARTERBACK JOB BY THE OMAHA BEEF
The Unconventional Gazette / May 1, 2013
After being cut by the Jets, Tebow went unclaimed on NFL waivers Tuesday. Tebow’s base salary for 2012 was $1,100,000, and that would have jumped to $6,055,000 for the 2013 season. If he were to accept the offer of The Omaha Beef, an indoor football league team, his pay would be cut to $75 per game.
According to ESPN.com:
The Omaha Beef have a job waiting for Tim Tebow if he wants it -- and the Nebraska indoor football team will even pay him $75 a game. A day after Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, the Beef called the office of Tebow agent Jimmy Sexton to offer a standard player contract.
Beef assistant general manager Andrew Mather said Tuesday that he doesn't expect to hear back, but he thought it was worth asking.
Tebow went unclaimed on NFL waivers Tuesday.
The Beef's quarterback, James McNear, has led the team to a 5-1 start. He's completing 70 percent of his passes and has thrown for 21 touchdowns against just two interceptions.
McNear is anything but insulted by the Beef's wooing of Tebow. "I think Tim can learn a lot from me," McNear said.
After being cut by the Jets, Tebow went unclaimed on NFL waivers Tuesday. Tebow’s base salary for 2012 was $1,100,000, and that would have jumped to $6,055,000 for the 2013 season. If he were to accept the offer of The Omaha Beef, an indoor football league team, his pay would be cut to $75 per game.
According to ESPN.com:
The Omaha Beef have a job waiting for Tim Tebow if he wants it -- and the Nebraska indoor football team will even pay him $75 a game. A day after Tebow was cut by the New York Jets, the Beef called the office of Tebow agent Jimmy Sexton to offer a standard player contract.
Beef assistant general manager Andrew Mather said Tuesday that he doesn't expect to hear back, but he thought it was worth asking.
Tebow went unclaimed on NFL waivers Tuesday.
The Beef's quarterback, James McNear, has led the team to a 5-1 start. He's completing 70 percent of his passes and has thrown for 21 touchdowns against just two interceptions.
McNear is anything but insulted by the Beef's wooing of Tebow. "I think Tim can learn a lot from me," McNear said.
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