FLY ON THE WALL IN HELSINKI

Here is what a fly on the wall overheard during the one-on-one Trump-Putin meeting

TRUMP: Good to see you again Comrade Putin.

PUTIN: Same here Donald, old friend, but don’t call me comrade … We haven’t used that term since the demise of the Soviet Union.

T: What shall I call you then?

P: Just all me Vlad.

T: Like Vlad the Impaler? [A reference to Dracula]

P: What do you mean by the impaler? I’ve never impaled anyone. When I was with the KGB, we impaled some enemies of the regime, but I never personally impaled anyone.

T: Never mind, let’s cut right down to the bone.

P: The bone? I don’t understand.

T: I mean, why did you meddle in our elections?

P: I didn’t meddle in your elections.

T: But 12 of your military intelligence officers, I think they belong to GURU, were just indicted for hacking into the Democrats and Hillary Clinton.

P: I did not know anything about that. Do you know everything your military officers are doing? By the way, that’s GRU, not GURU.

T: Whatever. Well, are you going to extradite those officers?

P: Let me ask you, if we indicted 12 of your CIA agents for spying on us, would you extradite them to my country?

T: Hell No!

P: Well, there’s your answer. Anyway, you should be grateful to those officers for trying to help defeat Crooked Hillary as you call her.

T: Hmmm, you got me there, Vlad. OK, then let’s turn to the Ukraine.

P: What about the Ukraine?

T: Russia has been threatening the Ukraine.

P: What do you mean?

T: You’ve been massing military forces on your border with the Ukraine.

P: We are holding maneuvers there, but we are not threatening them. Besides that, right now your navy is holding joint maneuvers in the Black Sea with the Ukraine and Turkey. Is that not a threat to the Russian Federation? And don’t forget, the Ukraine was once part of the Soviet Union. How would you feel if California broke away from the United States?

T: I couldn’t be more pleased! Getting rid of that gigantic insane asylum would help make America great again.

P: Good, what’s next?

T: My advisers want me to bring up nuclear proliferation. Besides your country and mine, Britain, France, China, India, Pakistan, Israel and now North Korea all have nuclear weapons and Iran wants to acquire them.

P: So? Our friend Kim Jong-Un believes the only way he can protect North Korea from an attack by the U.S. is for his country to have nuclear weapons. And Iran merely wants them to defend itself from an attack by Israel.

T: Wait a minute there, Vlad! Iran want’s to obliterate Israel off of the map.

P: Oh, that’s just hyperbole. Remember, those ayatollahs are preachers, and you know how preachers get carried away. The Iranian people love the Jewish people.

T: Oh, I didn’t know that. But what about Kim Jong-Un … do we want a crazy guy with his finger on the nuclear button?

P: Not so fast there, Donald! Have you stopped to think that all the leaders of the European Union, NATO, and even your own people, Democrats and entertainers, all think you’re crazy.

T: Shit! Let’s forget about nuclear proliferation and move on to Syria.

P: What about Syria?

T: You’ve got your military in there supporting that cruel dictator Assad who uses poisonous gas against children.

P: Well, you’re supporting the rebels that are trying to overthrow Assad. And he assures me he did not gas children. So, the rebels must have done it and made it look like Assad did it,

T: Damn it Vlad, you’ve got an answer for everything.

P: Now Donald, let me ask you a question. When are you going to lift the sanctions America imposed against my country?

T: I can’t do that. If I tried that, the Republicans would join up with the Democrats to impeach me. You know, Vlad, this isn’t getting us anywhere. Let’s just agree to disagree and cut out for something to eat.

P: Great idea, Donald, and we can toast each other with some vodka.

T: I would prefer Jack Daniels or Jim Beam.

P: OK, my friend, you can have your American whiskey and I’ll have my Russian vodka.