Two veterinarians offer to help poachers get ivory without killing the pachyderms
By Ima Schmuck
The Unconventional Gazette / December 31, 2012
The Unconventional Gazette has obtained an exclusive interview with Drs. Annette Brunhilde and Miriam Finkelstein, two dental veterinarians that have a plan to save the elephants from extinction by poachers.
The San Francisco vets plan to go to the African countries of Gabon, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and the Central African Republic where an estimated 25,000 elephants are slaughtered for their ivory every year. The elephants are either shot or hacked to death by gangs of poachers who use chain saws to remove the tusks of the slain creatures.
Brunhilde and Finkelstein told us that they have a unique plan by which they will help poachers to obtain the much sought after ivory without killing the elephants. They plan to organize and train a cadre of ‘tranquilizing squads’ that will accompany poachers and instead of shooting the elephants to death, they will shoot tranquilizing darts that will enable the poachers to remove the tusks without any other harm to the animals.
The two dental vets have already met with Gabon President Ali-Ben Bongo and obtained his approval for the plan. They will start their program in Gabon before approaching the presidents of the other African nations to obtain their approval as well.
President Bongo stated that it was far better for the elephants to lose their tusks than to lose their lives.
The plan calls for several ways of contacting poachers and offering to accompany them on their illegal elephant hunts provided that the tranquilizing squad members are allowed to dart the elephants in order to keep them from being killed.
President Bongo has promised that the poachers will not be prosecuted when they take part in nonlethal hunts and he will allow them to sell any ivory they obtain using this humane method.
Drs. Brunhilde and Finkelstein are optimistic that if their plan works in Gabon, President Joseph Kabila Kabange of the Congo and Central African Republic President François BozizĂ© Yangouvonda will follow Bongo’s lead in adopting their plan to save the elephants from extinction.
When asked about the UN global ban on ivory trading that took effect in 1989, the two vets said that the ban will be revised in Bangkok next March to allow resumption in trading, but only from existing ivory stocks gathered from elephants that have died as a result of natural causes. Brunhilde and Finkelstein said that trade in the ivory gathered by poachers from tranquilized elephants will remain banned but that will be their problem. “Our only interest is in saving the elephants,” they said.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
OBAMA RATED AS THE 4TH BEST PRESIDENT EVER
The Unconventional Gazette / December 29, 2012
A Sam Houston Institute of Technology study group that rated the nation's presidents recently released its findings as to the best president of the United States of America.
Obama has been rated as the 4th best president ever. Democrats were ecstatic over the findings while Republicans were outraged, insisting that Obama was rated way too high.
Former president George W. Bush released the following statement: “I find it incredulous that President Obama would be rated that high when, ever since the 2008 campaign, all he’s done is to keep blaming me for everything that’s gone wrong in this country.”
The SHIT study found that George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan and 7 other presidents tied for first.
Thomas Jefferson, Harry Truman and 13 other presidents tied for second.
18 other presidents tied for third.
Obama came in fourth.
A Sam Houston Institute of Technology study group that rated the nation's presidents recently released its findings as to the best president of the United States of America.
Obama has been rated as the 4th best president ever. Democrats were ecstatic over the findings while Republicans were outraged, insisting that Obama was rated way too high.
Former president George W. Bush released the following statement: “I find it incredulous that President Obama would be rated that high when, ever since the 2008 campaign, all he’s done is to keep blaming me for everything that’s gone wrong in this country.”
The SHIT study found that George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan and 7 other presidents tied for first.
Thomas Jefferson, Harry Truman and 13 other presidents tied for second.
18 other presidents tied for third.
Obama came in fourth.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 25, 2012
To All Our Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To All Our Other Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
To All Our Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To All Our Other Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
‘ZERO DARK THIRTY’ REVEALS NAVY SEALS KILLED BIN LADEN BY FRANTICALLY THROWING WHATEVER THEY COULD FIND AT HIM
The Onion / December 21, 2012
LOS ANGELES—According to reviews this week of Kathryn Bigelow’s thriller Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the 10-year hunt for Osama bin Laden, the film’s climactic scene features a team of U.S. Navy SEALs shrieking in terror as they gradually kill the al-Qaeda leader by throwing a variety of nearby objects at him.
“The mood is tense and silent as SEAL Team Six infiltrates the infamous Abbottabad compound, but then all hell breaks loose when bin Laden emerges from behind a door, causing the whole squadron to start yelling wildly as they pelt him with shoes, cups, and flimsy pieces of drywall,” wrote New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis, who mentioned that the hectic five-minute sequence shows bin Laden stumbling around with his head stuck in a sweatshirt thrown by one of the SEALs, bashing into various fixtures and shouting, “Ow, ow!” “Meanwhile, in the helicopter floating above the hideout, two SEALs scream directly into each other’s faces while they desperately try to fly the aircraft away from bin Laden, who is also screaming throughout the entire scene.”
The remainder of the film then reportedly focuses on the SEALs tentatively kicking bin Laden’s corpse before retreating several feet and anxiously watching to see if he is still moving.
LOS ANGELES—According to reviews this week of Kathryn Bigelow’s thriller Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the 10-year hunt for Osama bin Laden, the film’s climactic scene features a team of U.S. Navy SEALs shrieking in terror as they gradually kill the al-Qaeda leader by throwing a variety of nearby objects at him.
“The mood is tense and silent as SEAL Team Six infiltrates the infamous Abbottabad compound, but then all hell breaks loose when bin Laden emerges from behind a door, causing the whole squadron to start yelling wildly as they pelt him with shoes, cups, and flimsy pieces of drywall,” wrote New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis, who mentioned that the hectic five-minute sequence shows bin Laden stumbling around with his head stuck in a sweatshirt thrown by one of the SEALs, bashing into various fixtures and shouting, “Ow, ow!” “Meanwhile, in the helicopter floating above the hideout, two SEALs scream directly into each other’s faces while they desperately try to fly the aircraft away from bin Laden, who is also screaming throughout the entire scene.”
The remainder of the film then reportedly focuses on the SEALs tentatively kicking bin Laden’s corpse before retreating several feet and anxiously watching to see if he is still moving.
THE MOST APPRECIATED OF FOUR GIFTS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 22, 2012
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met the preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her ‘Thank You’ notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mama."
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met the preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her ‘Thank You’ notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mama."
Thursday, December 20, 2012
WIFE READ 'FIFTY SHADES OF GREY'
The Unconventional Gazette / December 20, 2012
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a see-through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, Here I am!"
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a see-through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, Here I am!"
GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 20, 2012
A 70 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While in the emergency room she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 23 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over and killed by a dump truck.
Arriving in front of God, she was really pissed off. She shrieked at God, "I thought you said I had another 23 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that truck?"
God replied: “Holy shit! I didn’t recognize you.”
A 70 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While in the emergency room she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 23 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over and killed by a dump truck.
Arriving in front of God, she was really pissed off. She shrieked at God, "I thought you said I had another 23 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that truck?"
God replied: “Holy shit! I didn’t recognize you.”
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
RIGHT TO OWN HANDHELD DEVICE THAT SHOOTS DEADLY METAL PELLETS AT HIGH SPEED WORTH ALL OF THIS
The Onion / December 14, 2012
NEWTOWN, CT—Following today’s mass shooting that left 20 young children dead at a Connecticut elementary school, numerous sources across the country reported that their government-protected right to own a portable device that propels small masses of metal through the air at lethal rates of speed is completely worth any such consequences.
“It’s my God-given right and a founding principle of this country that I be able to own a [piece of metal that launches other smaller pieces of metal great distances, one after the other], and if a few deaths here and there is the price we have to pay for that freedom, then so be it,” said Lawrence Crane of nearby Danbury, CT, who is such a staunch advocate of the portable deadly-pellet-flinging apparatuses that he keeps multiple versions of such mechanisms in his home, often carries one with him, and is a member of a club whose sole purpose is to celebrate these assembled steel things and the small bits of metal they send flying. “Sure, it’s sad that a few kids died, but it’s far better than the tyranny that would result if the government came and took away all our [mechanical contraptions that make a lot of little pointy chunks of metal go through the air fast]. Can you even imagine what kind of horrible world that would be?”
The man added that if the events that unfolded today led lawmakers to question his ability to possess any such items of steel and lead, authorities would have to “pry the [wholly inanimate mechanical object, nothing more, nothing less] from [his] dead hands.”
NEWTOWN, CT—Following today’s mass shooting that left 20 young children dead at a Connecticut elementary school, numerous sources across the country reported that their government-protected right to own a portable device that propels small masses of metal through the air at lethal rates of speed is completely worth any such consequences.
“It’s my God-given right and a founding principle of this country that I be able to own a [piece of metal that launches other smaller pieces of metal great distances, one after the other], and if a few deaths here and there is the price we have to pay for that freedom, then so be it,” said Lawrence Crane of nearby Danbury, CT, who is such a staunch advocate of the portable deadly-pellet-flinging apparatuses that he keeps multiple versions of such mechanisms in his home, often carries one with him, and is a member of a club whose sole purpose is to celebrate these assembled steel things and the small bits of metal they send flying. “Sure, it’s sad that a few kids died, but it’s far better than the tyranny that would result if the government came and took away all our [mechanical contraptions that make a lot of little pointy chunks of metal go through the air fast]. Can you even imagine what kind of horrible world that would be?”
The man added that if the events that unfolded today led lawmakers to question his ability to possess any such items of steel and lead, authorities would have to “pry the [wholly inanimate mechanical object, nothing more, nothing less] from [his] dead hands.”
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
EXCHANGE OF LETTERS BETWEEN TIMMY JONES AND SANTA CLAUS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 18, 2012
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my homies and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny gang-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, asshole.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That’s what I thought, you little bastard.
Santa
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my homies and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny gang-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, asshole.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That’s what I thought, you little bastard.
Santa
Monday, December 17, 2012
COMPETING GUN LAWS TO BE INTRODUCED IN CONGRESS
The Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre spawns new gun legislation
The Unconventional Gazette / December 17, 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Flanked by California Senator Dianne Feinstein, NY Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy, NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg, gun control advocate Sarah Brady and filmmaker Michael Moore, Minnesota Senator Al Franken announced today that he will introduce sweeping gun control measures in the Senate when Congress reconvenes next year.
Franken said his bill will prohibit the possession of any firearms for everyone except the police and the military. Possession of a firearm would constitute a felony punishable by 2-10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
The Democratic senator said that this was the only way to prevent mass shootings like those at Columbine High School, Virginia Tech, the Aurora movie theater, and Sandy Hook Elementary School. He added that the prohibition of firearms would also bring about a significant reduction in the country’s murder rate and end the gang wars that have been plaguing cities like Chicago and Los Angeles.
Under Franken’s proposed bill, local police and sheriff departments would stock hunting rifles that would be rented to licensed hunters. The hunters would have to undergo an extensive FBI background check and training program before getting their hunting licenses. The hunting rifles would be rented out each time for a maximum period of 72 hours. Failure to return a rented rifle to the police on time would constitute a misdemeanor punishable by 6-24 months in jail and a $5,000 fine.
Franken said that his bill is in line with the vow President Obama made in Newtown, Conn. at the Sunday night service for the slaughtered children and teachers when the president said, "In the coming weeks I'll use whatever power this office holds to engage my fellow citizens, from law enforcement to mental health professionals to parents and educators in an effort aimed at preventing more tragedies like this."
Sarah Brady and Michael Moore both stated that they couldn’t be more pleased by Franken’s bill. Bloomberg said that this kind of gun legislation should have been pushed by President Obama early in his presidency.
Congresswoman McCarthy, whose husband was killed in a 1993 mass shooting on a Long Island Rail Road commuter train, said she would introduce a companion bill in the House of Representatives.
Coincidentally, Arizona’s Senator-elect Jeff Flake, surrounded by Georgia Congressmen Paul Broun and Tom Graves, former Alaska governor and VP candidate Sarah Palin, the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre and movie star/director Clint Eastwood, announced today that he would introduce ‘The Home and Personal Defense Law’ in the Senate when Congress reconvenes next year.
Flake said under his bill every American citizen 18 years and older who is not an ex-convict or mentally ill and who has not been convicted of domestic violence, will be required to own at least one semi-automatic pistol and one semi-automatic ‘assault rifle.’ Failure to comply with this act would constitute a felony punishable by 2-10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
The senator-elect was highly critical of the vow Obama made at the Sunday night service in Newtown, saying that the president was politicizing a terrible tragedy and seeking to establish a “gunless and defenseless society.” He said that instead of protecting school children, Obama will endanger them even more.
Flake said that it was high time for Americans to have the ability to defend themselves against criminals and the ever growing threat of terrorists, both foreign and domestic. He noted that Swiss citizens are heavily armed with pistols and assault rifles and that the crime and murder rates in Switzerland are very low. Flake added that there was the real threat of a future Chinese invasion and that an armed citizenry would be able to help our military to repel that attack.
LaPierre praised Flake for his courage in introducing a sound piece of gun legislation and he accused Franken of trying to repeal the Second Amendment. LaPierre assured Franken that The Home and Personal Defense Law would have the overwhelming support of the National Rifle Association. And Clint Eastwood added that “The Home and Personal Defense Law will make my day!”
Tea Party favorites Paul Broun and Tom Graves said they would introduce a companion bill in the House of Representatives.
When asked what she thought of the The Home and Personal Defense Law, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said, “The gentleman from Arizona is living up to his name … he’s a flake!”
The Unconventional Gazette / December 17, 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Flanked by California Senator Dianne Feinstein, NY Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy, NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg, gun control advocate Sarah Brady and filmmaker Michael Moore, Minnesota Senator Al Franken announced today that he will introduce sweeping gun control measures in the Senate when Congress reconvenes next year.
Franken said his bill will prohibit the possession of any firearms for everyone except the police and the military. Possession of a firearm would constitute a felony punishable by 2-10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
The Democratic senator said that this was the only way to prevent mass shootings like those at Columbine High School, Virginia Tech, the Aurora movie theater, and Sandy Hook Elementary School. He added that the prohibition of firearms would also bring about a significant reduction in the country’s murder rate and end the gang wars that have been plaguing cities like Chicago and Los Angeles.
Under Franken’s proposed bill, local police and sheriff departments would stock hunting rifles that would be rented to licensed hunters. The hunters would have to undergo an extensive FBI background check and training program before getting their hunting licenses. The hunting rifles would be rented out each time for a maximum period of 72 hours. Failure to return a rented rifle to the police on time would constitute a misdemeanor punishable by 6-24 months in jail and a $5,000 fine.
Franken said that his bill is in line with the vow President Obama made in Newtown, Conn. at the Sunday night service for the slaughtered children and teachers when the president said, "In the coming weeks I'll use whatever power this office holds to engage my fellow citizens, from law enforcement to mental health professionals to parents and educators in an effort aimed at preventing more tragedies like this."
Sarah Brady and Michael Moore both stated that they couldn’t be more pleased by Franken’s bill. Bloomberg said that this kind of gun legislation should have been pushed by President Obama early in his presidency.
Congresswoman McCarthy, whose husband was killed in a 1993 mass shooting on a Long Island Rail Road commuter train, said she would introduce a companion bill in the House of Representatives.
Coincidentally, Arizona’s Senator-elect Jeff Flake, surrounded by Georgia Congressmen Paul Broun and Tom Graves, former Alaska governor and VP candidate Sarah Palin, the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre and movie star/director Clint Eastwood, announced today that he would introduce ‘The Home and Personal Defense Law’ in the Senate when Congress reconvenes next year.
Flake said under his bill every American citizen 18 years and older who is not an ex-convict or mentally ill and who has not been convicted of domestic violence, will be required to own at least one semi-automatic pistol and one semi-automatic ‘assault rifle.’ Failure to comply with this act would constitute a felony punishable by 2-10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
The senator-elect was highly critical of the vow Obama made at the Sunday night service in Newtown, saying that the president was politicizing a terrible tragedy and seeking to establish a “gunless and defenseless society.” He said that instead of protecting school children, Obama will endanger them even more.
Flake said that it was high time for Americans to have the ability to defend themselves against criminals and the ever growing threat of terrorists, both foreign and domestic. He noted that Swiss citizens are heavily armed with pistols and assault rifles and that the crime and murder rates in Switzerland are very low. Flake added that there was the real threat of a future Chinese invasion and that an armed citizenry would be able to help our military to repel that attack.
LaPierre praised Flake for his courage in introducing a sound piece of gun legislation and he accused Franken of trying to repeal the Second Amendment. LaPierre assured Franken that The Home and Personal Defense Law would have the overwhelming support of the National Rifle Association. And Clint Eastwood added that “The Home and Personal Defense Law will make my day!”
Tea Party favorites Paul Broun and Tom Graves said they would introduce a companion bill in the House of Representatives.
When asked what she thought of the The Home and Personal Defense Law, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said, “The gentleman from Arizona is living up to his name … he’s a flake!”
Saturday, December 15, 2012
WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE IN JESUS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 15, 2012
The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy, "What do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick then addressed the class. "Well Missus Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass with Ma and Pa and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mincemeat pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. After that, all excited, we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," said the teacher. "Now, Suzy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Jones, my brother and I also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We can hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our new toys."
Realizing that the lone Jewish boy in the class had been left out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Abe Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Abe said, "Well, Ma'am, it's the same thing every year. Father comes home from the office. We all pile into the Cadillac, then drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look around at all the empty shelves and smile. We sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.' Then we fly to the Bahamas.
The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy, "What do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick then addressed the class. "Well Missus Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass with Ma and Pa and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mincemeat pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. After that, all excited, we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," said the teacher. "Now, Suzy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Jones, my brother and I also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We can hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our new toys."
Realizing that the lone Jewish boy in the class had been left out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Abe Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Abe said, "Well, Ma'am, it's the same thing every year. Father comes home from the office. We all pile into the Cadillac, then drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look around at all the empty shelves and smile. We sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.' Then we fly to the Bahamas.
Friday, December 14, 2012
LATEST TECHNIQUE FOR DIGITAL PROSTATE EXAM
The Unconventional Gazette / December 14, 2012
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets referred to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he arrives, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
The old guy obeys and says, "99."
The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
Again, the old guy says, "99."
The doctor said, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."
The old guy begins, "One ... two … three …four … five … six ………."
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets referred to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he arrives, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
The old guy obeys and says, "99."
The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
Again, the old guy says, "99."
The doctor said, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."
The old guy begins, "One ... two … three …four … five … six ………."
GRANDFATHERS ARE DIFFERENT
The Unconventional Gazette / December 14, 2012
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.
“Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist wing pinko democrat Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper, or son-of-a-bitch anywhere we went!"
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.
“Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist wing pinko democrat Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper, or son-of-a-bitch anywhere we went!"
Thursday, December 13, 2012
‘SIR, I’M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR UPPER BODY AND FEET’
The Unconventional Gazette / December 13, 2012
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?”
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?”
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
SLOVENIAN 8TH-GRADERS SURPRISED EVEN THEY OUTPERFORMED U.S. STUDENTS IN SCIENCE
The Onion / December 11, 2012
LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—Responding today to his nation’s ranking in a new international study measuring student performance, 14-year-old Izotk Rogelj told reporters he was more than a little surprised that even he and his classmates, all eighth-grade students from Slovenia, had outperformed their American counterparts on science achievement exams.
“I mean, I know they’re in desperate need of education reform over there, but those guys ranked four spots below a country where the average income is half what it is in the United States,” said the flabbergasted pupil, noting that Slovenia’s national education budget of $2.8 billion in funding for every single basic primary, secondary, and tertiary institution was enough to buy “maybe three microscopes.” “I understand the global recession has taken a toll on American education as much as anywhere else, but I live in an Eastern European nation that barely existed 20 years ago. And yet we manage to beat a nation with the highest GDP in the world? Pretty weird, right?”
Rogelj said that despite America’s shortcomings in education, he was hoping to go there for college one day.
LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—Responding today to his nation’s ranking in a new international study measuring student performance, 14-year-old Izotk Rogelj told reporters he was more than a little surprised that even he and his classmates, all eighth-grade students from Slovenia, had outperformed their American counterparts on science achievement exams.
“I mean, I know they’re in desperate need of education reform over there, but those guys ranked four spots below a country where the average income is half what it is in the United States,” said the flabbergasted pupil, noting that Slovenia’s national education budget of $2.8 billion in funding for every single basic primary, secondary, and tertiary institution was enough to buy “maybe three microscopes.” “I understand the global recession has taken a toll on American education as much as anywhere else, but I live in an Eastern European nation that barely existed 20 years ago. And yet we manage to beat a nation with the highest GDP in the world? Pretty weird, right?”
Rogelj said that despite America’s shortcomings in education, he was hoping to go there for college one day.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN
The Unconventional Gazette / December 9, 2012
From an Irish Sunday School teacher:
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'No!' the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was ‘No!'
‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, they all answered ‘No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'Yuv gotta be fookin dead!'
From an Irish Sunday School teacher:
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'No!' the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was ‘No!'
‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, they all answered ‘No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'Yuv gotta be fookin dead!'
Friday, December 7, 2012
THE DOT ON THE FOREHEADS OF INDIAN WOMEN
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / December 7, 2012
I finally got the official story of something that has puzzled me all my life.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.
The Unconventional Gazette / December 7, 2012
I finally got the official story of something that has puzzled me all my life.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
LETTER FROM MY SON
By Pamela Putz
The Unconventional Gazette / December 4, 2012
I thought I'd share this letter with our readers while Adam's mother and I get ready to join a special state police search and rescue unit to locate Bryce and Adam's scout troop and to lock up their scoutmaster in jail:
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Bryce x x x
The Unconventional Gazette / December 4, 2012
I thought I'd share this letter with our readers while Adam's mother and I get ready to join a special state police search and rescue unit to locate Bryce and Adam's scout troop and to lock up their scoutmaster in jail:
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Bryce x x x
Monday, December 3, 2012
ADVANTAGES OF MOTHER’S MILK
The Unconventional Gazette / December 3, 2012
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and they're high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an ‘A’.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and they're high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an ‘A’.
Friday, November 30, 2012
CONGRESSMAN TORN BETWEEN MEANINGLESS PLEDGE TO ANTI-TAX ZEALOT, WELL-BEING OF NATION
The Onion / November 28, 2012
WASHINGTON—Amid ongoing negotiations in Congress over the looming “fiscal cliff,” Rep. Tom Reed (R-NY) told reporters Wednesday he is “completely torn” between his commitment to conservative activist Grover Norquist’s meaningless anti-tax pledge and the general welfare of the entire country.
“On the one hand, you have a nonsensical promise to blindly oppose tax increases regardless of circumstances, but on the other, you have the well-being of more than 300 million people and the long-term stability of the entire U.S. economy,” said Reed, adding that he is “really stuck between a rock and a hard place” now that he must decide between his loyalty to a dogmatic political lobbyist and his responsibility to serve the best interests of his constituents. “At the end of the day, it’s a question of whether a nonbinding signature on an outdated and worthless pledge written 26 years ago is more important than preventing the nation from completely going to hell. I just don’t know what to do here.”
When reached for comment, Norquist urged the pledge’s signatories in Congress to “remember what’s really important” before sacrificing utterly irrational principles for the sake of the country’s future.
WASHINGTON—Amid ongoing negotiations in Congress over the looming “fiscal cliff,” Rep. Tom Reed (R-NY) told reporters Wednesday he is “completely torn” between his commitment to conservative activist Grover Norquist’s meaningless anti-tax pledge and the general welfare of the entire country.
“On the one hand, you have a nonsensical promise to blindly oppose tax increases regardless of circumstances, but on the other, you have the well-being of more than 300 million people and the long-term stability of the entire U.S. economy,” said Reed, adding that he is “really stuck between a rock and a hard place” now that he must decide between his loyalty to a dogmatic political lobbyist and his responsibility to serve the best interests of his constituents. “At the end of the day, it’s a question of whether a nonbinding signature on an outdated and worthless pledge written 26 years ago is more important than preventing the nation from completely going to hell. I just don’t know what to do here.”
When reached for comment, Norquist urged the pledge’s signatories in Congress to “remember what’s really important” before sacrificing utterly irrational principles for the sake of the country’s future.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
GOD TOLD WOMAN TO DRIVE 100MPH
God may indeed be the divine ruler of all creation. For now, police officers still make the rules on Florida’s roads
By Jerry Reynolds
Car Pro News / November 28, 2012
How else to explain why a Florida woman who claimed the Lord told her to drive 100 miles per hour through a 30-mph residential neighborhood was nonetheless arrested for reckless driving?
Residents reported a woman in a silver Toyota was racing down a residential street near U.S. 1 in Fort Pierce, Fla., on Nov. 20, and repeatedly honking her horn and frantically waving her arms and gesturing. Officers pursued her in a high-speed chase.
When Melissa Miller, 41, finally pulled over, she told officers that “I was letting the Lord spirit guide me,” according to a police report of the incident. She said she repeatedly honked loudly because “The Lord was telling me to do it.”
By Jerry Reynolds
Car Pro News / November 28, 2012
How else to explain why a Florida woman who claimed the Lord told her to drive 100 miles per hour through a 30-mph residential neighborhood was nonetheless arrested for reckless driving?
Residents reported a woman in a silver Toyota was racing down a residential street near U.S. 1 in Fort Pierce, Fla., on Nov. 20, and repeatedly honking her horn and frantically waving her arms and gesturing. Officers pursued her in a high-speed chase.
When Melissa Miller, 41, finally pulled over, she told officers that “I was letting the Lord spirit guide me,” according to a police report of the incident. She said she repeatedly honked loudly because “The Lord was telling me to do it.”
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
KIM JONG-UN NAMED THE ONION’S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE FOR 2012
The Onion / November 14, 2012
The Onion is proud to announce that North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, 29, has officially been named the newspaper’s Sexiest Man Alive for the year 2012.
With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile.
“He has that rare ability to somehow be completely adorable and completely macho at the same time,” Onion Style and Entertainment editor Marissa Blake-Zweibel said. “And that’s the quality that makes him the sort of man women want, and men want to be. He’s a real hunk with real intensity who also knows how to cut loose and let his hair down.”
Added Blake-Zweibel, “Ri Sol-ju is one lucky lady, that’s for sure!”
With today’s announcement, Kim joins the ranks of The Onion’s prior “Sexiest Man Alive” winners, including:
2011: Bashar al-Assad
2010: Bernie Madoff
2009: Charles and David Koch (co-winners)
2008: Ted Kaczynski
2007: T. Herman Zweibel
The Onion’s commemorative “Sexiest Man Alive” issue will be available on newsstands everywhere this Friday and contains a full 16-page spread on Kim.
UPDATE 11-27-12: For more coverage on The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive 2012, Kim Jong-Un, please visit our friends at the People's Daily in China, a proud Communist subsidiary of The Onion, Inc. Exemplary reportage, comrades.
__________
EDITOR’S NOTE: The People's Daily, China's official news agency, mistakenly believed the article from The Onion about the 2012 Sexiest Man Alive was for real.
THE ONION STRIKES AGAIN – CHINA CALLS KIM JUNG UN SEXIEST MAN ALIVE
By Michael Blaustein
New York Post
November 27, 2012
According to the official mouthpiece of China's Communist Party, North Korea's newest supreme leader, Kim Jung Un, is the sexiest man alive for 2012.
China's People Daily reached their oddball conclusion after taking an article from the satirical news Web site The Onion seriously.
"With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman's dream come true," the People's Daily quoted from The Onion.
"Kim made this newspaper's editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile," China's news agency continued in their quotation.
China is the second foreign power to take The Onion too seriously, earlier this year Iran's official news agency plagiarized The Onion's article, "Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama."
In Iran's case, the Persian country simply lifted fake information from The Onion which said that rural white Americans would rather vote for their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, than President Obama.
China, on the other hand, seemed to have simply missed the fact that The Onion's article was a joke, thus overlooking some obvious clues to the article's falsity.
For example, The Onion has a history of choosing clearly unsexy men for their award. In 2011 they chose Syria's despotic President Bashar al-Assad, in 2010 they went with ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff and in 2008 they picked Ted Kaczynski, The Unabomber.
The Onion is proud to announce that North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, 29, has officially been named the newspaper’s Sexiest Man Alive for the year 2012.
With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile.
“He has that rare ability to somehow be completely adorable and completely macho at the same time,” Onion Style and Entertainment editor Marissa Blake-Zweibel said. “And that’s the quality that makes him the sort of man women want, and men want to be. He’s a real hunk with real intensity who also knows how to cut loose and let his hair down.”
Added Blake-Zweibel, “Ri Sol-ju is one lucky lady, that’s for sure!”
With today’s announcement, Kim joins the ranks of The Onion’s prior “Sexiest Man Alive” winners, including:
2011: Bashar al-Assad
2010: Bernie Madoff
2009: Charles and David Koch (co-winners)
2008: Ted Kaczynski
2007: T. Herman Zweibel
The Onion’s commemorative “Sexiest Man Alive” issue will be available on newsstands everywhere this Friday and contains a full 16-page spread on Kim.
UPDATE 11-27-12: For more coverage on The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive 2012, Kim Jong-Un, please visit our friends at the People's Daily in China, a proud Communist subsidiary of The Onion, Inc. Exemplary reportage, comrades.
__________
EDITOR’S NOTE: The People's Daily, China's official news agency, mistakenly believed the article from The Onion about the 2012 Sexiest Man Alive was for real.
THE ONION STRIKES AGAIN – CHINA CALLS KIM JUNG UN SEXIEST MAN ALIVE
By Michael Blaustein
New York Post
November 27, 2012
According to the official mouthpiece of China's Communist Party, North Korea's newest supreme leader, Kim Jung Un, is the sexiest man alive for 2012.
China's People Daily reached their oddball conclusion after taking an article from the satirical news Web site The Onion seriously.
"With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman's dream come true," the People's Daily quoted from The Onion.
"Kim made this newspaper's editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile," China's news agency continued in their quotation.
China is the second foreign power to take The Onion too seriously, earlier this year Iran's official news agency plagiarized The Onion's article, "Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama."
In Iran's case, the Persian country simply lifted fake information from The Onion which said that rural white Americans would rather vote for their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, than President Obama.
China, on the other hand, seemed to have simply missed the fact that The Onion's article was a joke, thus overlooking some obvious clues to the article's falsity.
For example, The Onion has a history of choosing clearly unsexy men for their award. In 2011 they chose Syria's despotic President Bashar al-Assad, in 2010 they went with ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff and in 2008 they picked Ted Kaczynski, The Unabomber.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
DETECTIVES OVERLOOKED CASEY ANTHONY’S ‘I KILLED MY DAUGHTER’ AMA ON REDDIT
The Onion / November 26, 2012
ORLANDO, FL—More than a year after Casey Anthony was acquitted of her daughter’s murder, the Florida sheriff’s office that investigated the case admitted Monday that it had overlooked a key piece of evidence: a discussion thread Anthony posted on the social news site Reddit titled “I killed my daughter AMA.”
“I am Casey Anthony, a 22-year-old mom who just murdered her 2-year-old daughter and hid her body in the woods. Ask me anything!” read an introductory bio at the top of the June 16, 2008 thread, in which Anthony responded in detail to users’ questions about how she knocked her child unconscious with chloroform before suffocating her with duct tape and attempting to cover up the incriminating evidence. “I’ll be on here for the next couple hours, happy to talk about any part of my experience and share tips, especially if you’re thinking about doing this yourself. I’m an open book!”
Investigators confirmed that Anthony’s post about how to properly stash your dead daughter’s corpse in a trash bag and store it in the trunk of your car received more than 500 up-votes.
ORLANDO, FL—More than a year after Casey Anthony was acquitted of her daughter’s murder, the Florida sheriff’s office that investigated the case admitted Monday that it had overlooked a key piece of evidence: a discussion thread Anthony posted on the social news site Reddit titled “I killed my daughter AMA.”
“I am Casey Anthony, a 22-year-old mom who just murdered her 2-year-old daughter and hid her body in the woods. Ask me anything!” read an introductory bio at the top of the June 16, 2008 thread, in which Anthony responded in detail to users’ questions about how she knocked her child unconscious with chloroform before suffocating her with duct tape and attempting to cover up the incriminating evidence. “I’ll be on here for the next couple hours, happy to talk about any part of my experience and share tips, especially if you’re thinking about doing this yourself. I’m an open book!”
Investigators confirmed that Anthony’s post about how to properly stash your dead daughter’s corpse in a trash bag and store it in the trunk of your car received more than 500 up-votes.
Friday, November 23, 2012
NEXT YEAR BLACK FRIDAY WILL START ON THE FIRST FRIDAY AFTER LABOR DAY
The Unconventional Gazette / November 23, 2012
Many of America’s retailers moved Black Friday ahead to 8 p.m. and 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day. Seeking good bargains, millions of shoppers flooded stores all across the nation when the store doors were opened Thursday evening.
Matt Shay, President and CEO of the National Retail Federation (NRF), today announced that, because early Black Friday was such an overwhelming success, next year NRF members will move Black Friday ahead to the first Friday after Labor Day, with the doors to be opened one minute after midnight on September 6, 2013.
NRF is the leading organization of American retailers and counts Walmart, Target, Macy’s, Kohl’s, Sears, Best Buy, Toys ĐŻ Us, Home Depot, Lowe’s, Walgreens, and CVS Pharmacy among its many members.
Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that this year retailers moved Black Friday ahead because their customers wanted to start their Christmas shopping earlier.
“We took a survey of Thursday night’s shoppers and found that they want to move Black Friday ahead even further,” said Shay. “When we mentioned the first Friday after Labor Day, most of our respondents said they were very much in favor of such a move.”
While many NRF members are already planning to hold Black Friday on September 6 next year, Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that “I can foresee moving Black Friday as far ahead as Easter sometime within the next few years."
Many of America’s retailers moved Black Friday ahead to 8 p.m. and 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day. Seeking good bargains, millions of shoppers flooded stores all across the nation when the store doors were opened Thursday evening.
Matt Shay, President and CEO of the National Retail Federation (NRF), today announced that, because early Black Friday was such an overwhelming success, next year NRF members will move Black Friday ahead to the first Friday after Labor Day, with the doors to be opened one minute after midnight on September 6, 2013.
NRF is the leading organization of American retailers and counts Walmart, Target, Macy’s, Kohl’s, Sears, Best Buy, Toys ĐŻ Us, Home Depot, Lowe’s, Walgreens, and CVS Pharmacy among its many members.
Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that this year retailers moved Black Friday ahead because their customers wanted to start their Christmas shopping earlier.
“We took a survey of Thursday night’s shoppers and found that they want to move Black Friday ahead even further,” said Shay. “When we mentioned the first Friday after Labor Day, most of our respondents said they were very much in favor of such a move.”
While many NRF members are already planning to hold Black Friday on September 6 next year, Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that “I can foresee moving Black Friday as far ahead as Easter sometime within the next few years."
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
NAKED WOMAN JUMPS INTO TAXI
The Unconventional Gazette / November 21, 2012
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, my twat or my ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her ..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, my twat or my ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her ..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
DEER STEALS CIGARETTES AFTER ATTACKING TWO MEN IN EAST TEXAS
By David Moye / The Huffington Post / November 19, 2012
One more reason not to smoke: Deer attacks.
Cole Kellis and Joseph Rose of Whitehouse, Texas, found out about this hazard on Friday when they ran into a young buck in their front yard, according to KETK-TV.
The deer seemed friendly, so Rose approached it.
Big mistake, as the deer charged them and began to attack. The men ran to Rose's pick-up hoping to escape, but the buck poked Rose in the ribs with his antlers, forcing Rose to jump into the back of the truck for safety.
Rose was safe, but his cigarettes were not.
"[The deer] climbed up [into the truck cab], put his front paws on my seat and got my pack of cigarettes and started chewing on them," Rose said.
When the buck got even more aggressive, Rose and Kellis called the police and the Game Warden for help.
Even with the use of a stun gun, it took five men to restrain the angry, tobacco-addicted buck.
Smith County Game Warden Dustin Dockery suggested that the whole incident could have been avoided.
"Admire deer from a distance, but do not approach them because they can be dangerous," he told the KETK-TV.
This nicotine-loving deer isn't the only antlered creature to cause trouble in recent months.
In October, a randy elk had to be relocated after he began trying to mate with cows on a Canadian ranch.
And back in September, a couple in Austin, Texas, had to deal with a deer that repeatedly attacked a sign supporting Barack Obama on their front lawn.
Signs supporting Republican candidates were unharmed.
One more reason not to smoke: Deer attacks.
Cole Kellis and Joseph Rose of Whitehouse, Texas, found out about this hazard on Friday when they ran into a young buck in their front yard, according to KETK-TV.
The deer seemed friendly, so Rose approached it.
Big mistake, as the deer charged them and began to attack. The men ran to Rose's pick-up hoping to escape, but the buck poked Rose in the ribs with his antlers, forcing Rose to jump into the back of the truck for safety.
Rose was safe, but his cigarettes were not.
"[The deer] climbed up [into the truck cab], put his front paws on my seat and got my pack of cigarettes and started chewing on them," Rose said.
When the buck got even more aggressive, Rose and Kellis called the police and the Game Warden for help.
Even with the use of a stun gun, it took five men to restrain the angry, tobacco-addicted buck.
Smith County Game Warden Dustin Dockery suggested that the whole incident could have been avoided.
"Admire deer from a distance, but do not approach them because they can be dangerous," he told the KETK-TV.
This nicotine-loving deer isn't the only antlered creature to cause trouble in recent months.
In October, a randy elk had to be relocated after he began trying to mate with cows on a Canadian ranch.
And back in September, a couple in Austin, Texas, had to deal with a deer that repeatedly attacked a sign supporting Barack Obama on their front lawn.
Signs supporting Republican candidates were unharmed.
Monday, November 19, 2012
WIDENING PETRAEUS SCANDAL REVEALS HUMAN RACE HAS BEEN HAVING SEX FOR 200,000 YEARS
The Onion / November 13, 2012
WASHINGTON—Following the recent revelation that former CIA director David Petraeus conducted a protracted extramarital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell, sources confirmed today that the far-reaching scandal has widened to reveal that mankind, otherwise known as the species Homo sapiens, has been engaging in sexual intercourse for the past 200,000 years.
“While the situation appeared at first to be limited to this one sexual relationship between Gen. Petraeus and Ms. Broadwell, we see now that it is far more extensive than we had initially believed,” said an FBI official who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the ongoing investigation. “Indeed, evidence shows Gen. Petraeus is, in fact, just one of literally billions of human beings who we now believe have on numerous occasions engaged in sexual intercourse over the last several hundred millennia.”
“No matter how far back we go, we just continue to find more and more corroborating proof of people having sex,” the official added. “There’s simply no end in sight.”
Officials were reportedly first alerted to the allegations after the discovery of thousands of documents this week, including e-mails, letters, and photographs, which led them to believe that millions of other people beyond Gen. Petraeus have been having sex since perhaps the middle Paleolithic period, and continue to have sex today in various partnerships and in all 196 countries worldwide.
A further investigation into the matter then revealed not only that people have been frequently engaging in sex throughout modern history, but also that they have been doing so at least since the first precursors to modern humans gained the ability to walk upright, and that sexual intercourse is a natural biological function that may indeed be widespread and prevalent throughout all human eras.
“The scope of this scandal is simply astonishing—there is currently enough evidence to implicate individuals from every part of the world, even dating back before the creation of modern international states,” said one source close to the investigation, adding that the FBI has collected millions of first-person accounts of people who have either had sex themselves or witnessed others performing sexual acts. “There are even thousands of hours of video evidence that cyber-security experts in D.C. and Langley have managed to find on the Internet.”
“The real question is, ‘Who knew about this? And for how long?’” the anonymous source added.
According to reports, a comprehensive global probe jointly conducted by the FBI and CIA also revealed that, in addition to Gen. Petraeus, others alleged to have had sex in the past include Leon Panetta, Condoleezza Rice, Ben Bernanke, George Stephanopoulos, John Lennon, Charlotte Brontë, Jack Nicholson, William Shakespeare, Andre Agassi, Plato, Ulysses S. Grant, Queen Elizabeth II, Ted Avery of Dayton, OH, George Washington, Karen Avery of Dayton, OH, every past and present member of the band Chicago, Sir Isaac Newton, Bill Gates, Andie MacDowell, Benjamin Franklin, Leonardo da Vinci, Vince Lombardi, and Adolf Hitler.
“A closer look at the evidence indicates that even the earliest primates engaged in acts of sexual intercourse,” said Dr. Jacob Reynolds, a historian at the University of North Carolina. “We have even discovered lewd depictions engraved on stone tablets dating all the way back to 10,000 BC in what is now modern-day Turkey. But it is very possible that this controversy stretches back farther than any of our historical records.”
Reynolds confirmed that in addition to human beings, many well-known animals are also thought to have engaged in sexual activity, including millions of bears, sheep, goats, and even numerous fish and insect species.
Furthermore, sources indicated that sexual activity may extend all the way to the White House.
While the full extent of the investigation is not known at this time, sources said the FBI will likely continue looking into the matter until “everyone and everything involved in this matter is brought to light.”
At press time, officials estimated that roughly 15,000 human beings are having sex at this exact moment.
WASHINGTON—Following the recent revelation that former CIA director David Petraeus conducted a protracted extramarital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell, sources confirmed today that the far-reaching scandal has widened to reveal that mankind, otherwise known as the species Homo sapiens, has been engaging in sexual intercourse for the past 200,000 years.
“While the situation appeared at first to be limited to this one sexual relationship between Gen. Petraeus and Ms. Broadwell, we see now that it is far more extensive than we had initially believed,” said an FBI official who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the ongoing investigation. “Indeed, evidence shows Gen. Petraeus is, in fact, just one of literally billions of human beings who we now believe have on numerous occasions engaged in sexual intercourse over the last several hundred millennia.”
“No matter how far back we go, we just continue to find more and more corroborating proof of people having sex,” the official added. “There’s simply no end in sight.”
Officials were reportedly first alerted to the allegations after the discovery of thousands of documents this week, including e-mails, letters, and photographs, which led them to believe that millions of other people beyond Gen. Petraeus have been having sex since perhaps the middle Paleolithic period, and continue to have sex today in various partnerships and in all 196 countries worldwide.
A further investigation into the matter then revealed not only that people have been frequently engaging in sex throughout modern history, but also that they have been doing so at least since the first precursors to modern humans gained the ability to walk upright, and that sexual intercourse is a natural biological function that may indeed be widespread and prevalent throughout all human eras.
“The scope of this scandal is simply astonishing—there is currently enough evidence to implicate individuals from every part of the world, even dating back before the creation of modern international states,” said one source close to the investigation, adding that the FBI has collected millions of first-person accounts of people who have either had sex themselves or witnessed others performing sexual acts. “There are even thousands of hours of video evidence that cyber-security experts in D.C. and Langley have managed to find on the Internet.”
“The real question is, ‘Who knew about this? And for how long?’” the anonymous source added.
According to reports, a comprehensive global probe jointly conducted by the FBI and CIA also revealed that, in addition to Gen. Petraeus, others alleged to have had sex in the past include Leon Panetta, Condoleezza Rice, Ben Bernanke, George Stephanopoulos, John Lennon, Charlotte Brontë, Jack Nicholson, William Shakespeare, Andre Agassi, Plato, Ulysses S. Grant, Queen Elizabeth II, Ted Avery of Dayton, OH, George Washington, Karen Avery of Dayton, OH, every past and present member of the band Chicago, Sir Isaac Newton, Bill Gates, Andie MacDowell, Benjamin Franklin, Leonardo da Vinci, Vince Lombardi, and Adolf Hitler.
“A closer look at the evidence indicates that even the earliest primates engaged in acts of sexual intercourse,” said Dr. Jacob Reynolds, a historian at the University of North Carolina. “We have even discovered lewd depictions engraved on stone tablets dating all the way back to 10,000 BC in what is now modern-day Turkey. But it is very possible that this controversy stretches back farther than any of our historical records.”
Reynolds confirmed that in addition to human beings, many well-known animals are also thought to have engaged in sexual activity, including millions of bears, sheep, goats, and even numerous fish and insect species.
Furthermore, sources indicated that sexual activity may extend all the way to the White House.
While the full extent of the investigation is not known at this time, sources said the FBI will likely continue looking into the matter until “everyone and everything involved in this matter is brought to light.”
At press time, officials estimated that roughly 15,000 human beings are having sex at this exact moment.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
ROMNEY, THE IDIOT
Blames his election loss on government gifts Obama provided to his supporters
BarkGrowlBite / November 18, 2012
While talking to some donors, here is how Romney attributed his loss to Obama: “What the president -- president's campaign did was focus on certain members of his base coalition, give them extraordinary financial gifts from the government, and -- and then work very aggressively to turn them out to vote.”
Here is what Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal had to say about Romney’s idiotic remark: “If you want voters to like you, the first thing you've got to do is to like them first. And it's certainly not helpful to tell voters that you think their votes were bought. This is completely not helpful. This is not where the Republican Party needs to go.”
Here is what Newt Gingrich had to say: “I just think it's nuts. I mean -- I mean, first of all, it's insulting. This would be like Walmart having a bad week and going, 'The customers have really been unruly.' I mean, the job of a political leader in part is to understand the people. If we can't offer a better future that is believable to more people, we're not going to win.”
And George Will said: “It's been well said that you have a political problem when the voters don't like you, but you've got a real problem when the voters think you don't like them. And that is -- Mitt Romney was picking up the theme he improvidently put before the country and inadvertently with his 47 percent video during the campaign.”
BarkGrowlBite / November 18, 2012
While talking to some donors, here is how Romney attributed his loss to Obama: “What the president -- president's campaign did was focus on certain members of his base coalition, give them extraordinary financial gifts from the government, and -- and then work very aggressively to turn them out to vote.”
Here is what Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal had to say about Romney’s idiotic remark: “If you want voters to like you, the first thing you've got to do is to like them first. And it's certainly not helpful to tell voters that you think their votes were bought. This is completely not helpful. This is not where the Republican Party needs to go.”
Here is what Newt Gingrich had to say: “I just think it's nuts. I mean -- I mean, first of all, it's insulting. This would be like Walmart having a bad week and going, 'The customers have really been unruly.' I mean, the job of a political leader in part is to understand the people. If we can't offer a better future that is believable to more people, we're not going to win.”
And George Will said: “It's been well said that you have a political problem when the voters don't like you, but you've got a real problem when the voters think you don't like them. And that is -- Mitt Romney was picking up the theme he improvidently put before the country and inadvertently with his 47 percent video during the campaign.”
Saturday, November 17, 2012
THE CIA’S PERFECT SPY
Israel Hayom / November 16, 2012
The CIA decided to train the perfect spy and plant him in Moscow. The best teachers taught him Russian language, culture and dress. After four years of preparation, he knew every possible detail of a Russian citizen’s life.
When the agent landed in Moscow, he told a police officer at passport control, in perfect Russian, “I’m happy to come home to Russia.” The Russian police officer answered in English, “But you’re a spy from the CIA.”
The agent left the airport, got into a taxi, and spoke to the driver in perfect Russian.
The taxi driver answered in English, “Ah, you’re a spy from the CIA.”
When they reached the hotel, the man spoke to the doorman in perfect Russian and got yet another answer in English: “You’re a spy from the CIA.”
This time, the man asked the doorman, “My clothes are from Moscow and my Russian is perfect. So why are people saying right away that I’m an American spy?”
The doorman burst out laughing. “You’re black and six feet tall.”
The CIA decided to train the perfect spy and plant him in Moscow. The best teachers taught him Russian language, culture and dress. After four years of preparation, he knew every possible detail of a Russian citizen’s life.
When the agent landed in Moscow, he told a police officer at passport control, in perfect Russian, “I’m happy to come home to Russia.” The Russian police officer answered in English, “But you’re a spy from the CIA.”
The agent left the airport, got into a taxi, and spoke to the driver in perfect Russian.
The taxi driver answered in English, “Ah, you’re a spy from the CIA.”
When they reached the hotel, the man spoke to the doorman in perfect Russian and got yet another answer in English: “You’re a spy from the CIA.”
This time, the man asked the doorman, “My clothes are from Moscow and my Russian is perfect. So why are people saying right away that I’m an American spy?”
The doorman burst out laughing. “You’re black and six feet tall.”
Friday, November 16, 2012
BP CEO: ‘WE DEEPLY REGRET THE TRAGIC LOSS OF $4.5 BILLION’
The Onion / November 15, 2012
LONDON—After his company agreed to plead guilty to 14 criminal charges in connection with the Deep Horizon accident and oil spill, BP chief executive Bob Dudley released an official statement Thursday expressing his “profound and heartfelt remorse” over the loss of $4.5 billion in fines.
“All of us at BP deeply regret any negligence on our part that may have led to this tragic oil spill and the tremendous damage it has inflicted upon our profitability,” Dudley said of the disaster that may eventually cost his company more than $40 billion in settlements and penalties. “We never intended to upset the incredibly delicate balance of our finances, and efforts to restore the billions of dollars lost in this unspeakable catastrophe will continue until we ensure ensure just compensation for every last shareholder.”
Reached for further comment, Dudley told reporters that while he feels “tremendous sorrow over losing $4.5 billion,” he’s just thankful it only amounts to 1 percent of the company’s gross revenue for 2011.
LONDON—After his company agreed to plead guilty to 14 criminal charges in connection with the Deep Horizon accident and oil spill, BP chief executive Bob Dudley released an official statement Thursday expressing his “profound and heartfelt remorse” over the loss of $4.5 billion in fines.
“All of us at BP deeply regret any negligence on our part that may have led to this tragic oil spill and the tremendous damage it has inflicted upon our profitability,” Dudley said of the disaster that may eventually cost his company more than $40 billion in settlements and penalties. “We never intended to upset the incredibly delicate balance of our finances, and efforts to restore the billions of dollars lost in this unspeakable catastrophe will continue until we ensure ensure just compensation for every last shareholder.”
Reached for further comment, Dudley told reporters that while he feels “tremendous sorrow over losing $4.5 billion,” he’s just thankful it only amounts to 1 percent of the company’s gross revenue for 2011.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
INTERIM CIA DIRECTOR ASSURES NATION HE ENGAGES IN NO SEXUAL ACTIVITY WHATSOEVER
The Onion / November 12, 2012
WASHINGTON—Following the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus amid recent reports of marital infidelity, current acting director Michael Morell assured Americans Monday that he does not engage in any form of sexual activity whatsoever.
“Under no circumstances do I ever take part in sexual acts of any kind, nor do I desire to, nor have I ever deemed this activity necessary in any way,” Morell told reporters at a press conference, explaining that his genitals are “solely for excreting urine and absolutely nothing else.” “I have never had sex in the past, I am not having sex now, and I guarantee I will never have sex in the future, be it for pleasure, procreation, or any other purpose. Indeed, I am a fully asexual being who possesses neither the need nor the inclination for sexual intercourse.”
Morell then stared unblinkingly at the assembled press corps for a full five minutes.
WASHINGTON—Following the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus amid recent reports of marital infidelity, current acting director Michael Morell assured Americans Monday that he does not engage in any form of sexual activity whatsoever.
“Under no circumstances do I ever take part in sexual acts of any kind, nor do I desire to, nor have I ever deemed this activity necessary in any way,” Morell told reporters at a press conference, explaining that his genitals are “solely for excreting urine and absolutely nothing else.” “I have never had sex in the past, I am not having sex now, and I guarantee I will never have sex in the future, be it for pleasure, procreation, or any other purpose. Indeed, I am a fully asexual being who possesses neither the need nor the inclination for sexual intercourse.”
Morell then stared unblinkingly at the assembled press corps for a full five minutes.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
BOOZE IT UP FOR A HEALTHIER LIFE
The Unconventional Gazette / November 13, 2012
In a number of carefully controlled scientific trials, researchers have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop a year.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer, wine, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Booze = Clean
Therefore, it is far better to drink beer, wine, etc., and get shitfaced, than to drink water and be full of shit.
In a number of carefully controlled scientific trials, researchers have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop a year.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer, wine, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Booze = Clean
Therefore, it is far better to drink beer, wine, etc., and get shitfaced, than to drink water and be full of shit.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
THE ENLIGHTENED STATES OF AMERICA (E.S.A.)
The only other secession occurred in 1861
The Unconventional Gazette / November 11, 2012
Ima Schmuck, our editor, received the following notice from New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg:
Attention Red States
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics, and we've decided we're seceding.
We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.).
To sum up briefly:
We get Silicone Valley, Wall Street and the best beaches. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research. You get mosquito-borne diseases.
We get sharp progressives like Al Franken, Tammy Baldwin and Elizabeth Warren. You get dumbass conservatives like Rick Perry, Todd 'Legitimate Rape' Akin and Rush Limbaugh.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Texas’ death row.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Kentucky Fried Chicken.
We get Harvard. You get Angola.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get tobacco farms, migrant farmworkers and red necks.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue because our population is well educated. You get stuck with semiliterate high school graduates who can’t add, subtract, multiply or divide and with prison inmates.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and the premiere universities of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, and such notable institutions of higher education as Bob Jones University, Fruitland Baptist Bible Institute, Pat Robertson’s Regent University and Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that the theory of evolution is an atheist lie, 53% think that the CIA was behind 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We're taking the good California weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
/Signed/
Andrew M. Cuomo
Michael Bloomberg
Founding Fathers of the Enlightened States of America
The Unconventional Gazette / November 11, 2012
Ima Schmuck, our editor, received the following notice from New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg:
Attention Red States
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics, and we've decided we're seceding.
We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.).
To sum up briefly:
We get Silicone Valley, Wall Street and the best beaches. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research. You get mosquito-borne diseases.
We get sharp progressives like Al Franken, Tammy Baldwin and Elizabeth Warren. You get dumbass conservatives like Rick Perry, Todd 'Legitimate Rape' Akin and Rush Limbaugh.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Texas’ death row.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Kentucky Fried Chicken.
We get Harvard. You get Angola.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get tobacco farms, migrant farmworkers and red necks.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue because our population is well educated. You get stuck with semiliterate high school graduates who can’t add, subtract, multiply or divide and with prison inmates.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and the premiere universities of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, and such notable institutions of higher education as Bob Jones University, Fruitland Baptist Bible Institute, Pat Robertson’s Regent University and Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that the theory of evolution is an atheist lie, 53% think that the CIA was behind 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We're taking the good California weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
/Signed/
Andrew M. Cuomo
Michael Bloomberg
Founding Fathers of the Enlightened States of America
Friday, November 9, 2012
PRETENDING TO BE MARRIED
The Unconventional Gazette / November 9, 2012
A man and a woman, who had never met before but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and quickly fell asleep, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea,' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied ... 'Get your own fucking blanket!'
A man and a woman, who had never met before but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and quickly fell asleep, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea,' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied ... 'Get your own fucking blanket!'
Monday, November 5, 2012
THE ONION'S ISSUE-BY-ISSUE CANDIDATE GUIDE
The Onion / October 31, 2012
As Election Day nears, inform your vote with The Onion’s definitive issue-by-issue guide to the presidential candidates.
U.S. Presidential Candidates Barack Obama (Democrat) and Mitt Romney (Republican)
Entitlement Programs
O: At this point is just working on making sure all elderly Americans have something to shit into.
R: Romney is firmly against all entitlement programs except unemployment insurance, which he was forced to rely on in his mid-20s when he was an out-of-work manufacturing laborer in Massachusetts.
Abortion
O: Seeks to ensure that all women have unimpeded access to family planning resources and abortion providers, particularly Ann Barrows of Roanoke, VA, whom he met at a hotel bar on a campaign swing several months ago and whom he believes should definitely go to Planned Parenthood and really give some good, solid thought to terminating this pregnancy.
R: Pro-government-choice.
Israel
O: Recognizes there are 41 actual U.S. states that demand less of his attention than this obnoxious, self-important little puke of an ally.
R: Adamantly “pro-Heeb” and lovingly refers to the nation as “his little Jew-Jew-Be.”
Gun Control
O: Would like to see stricter gun controls laws but admits that giving post-shooting spree speeches is his time to shine.
R: Any weapons that help kill off the burgeoning deer population always running out in the middle of fucking traffic in Belmont, MA are fine by him.
Stance on Torture
O: Since he’s not running against torture-survivor John McCain this time around, he can finally express his true feelings on the subject: absolutely loves it.
R: Favors multiple forms of torture, including subjecting Americans to campaign stops, political rallies, commercials, and convention speeches.
Iran
O: Policy involves a lot of sighing and telling Hillary Clinton to please just fix it.
R: Is open to World War III if it increases GDP.
Education
O: Actually does believe copies of the Quran should be available in schools for its teachings on morality, but will probably wait another year or so to bring it up.
R: Romney is a spokesman for “It Gets Even Better,” a national PSA campaign targeted at bullies.
Taxes
O: See page 226 of ‘Mein Kampf.’
R: Has a tax plan that would take way too long to explain, but will totally work, so please just elect him president.
Immigration
O: Believes all individuals who come to the United States seeking a better life deserve the right to be pandered to by Democratic leaders for a few months once every two years.
R: Illegal immigrants who were brought to the country as small children will be granted citizenship, but their parents will be executed and they will be forced to watch.
The Environment
O: Has spoken at length about clean air and water and low carbon emissions, aiming to lull the environment into a false sense of trust and complacency, at which point he can frack the shit out of it.
R: Will reduce our contribution to greenhouse gases and harmful pollutants by closing down thousands of manufacturing plants and factories across the country.
The Economy
O: Considers the economy a distraction from other issues he considers important, such as being considered a success and having people like him.
R: Plans on implementing an economic policy that is better in every way imaginable and will also save you money, all while costing the government nothing. He’s just that good.
Health Care
O: Wonders what ideas Romney has on health care, as the Republican nominee has come up with some pretty great ones in the past – such as an individual mandate and insurance exchanges – so the president thinks it would be great to just pick his brain about what else to pursue.
R: Working on plan to provide Americans with affordable body bags.
As Election Day nears, inform your vote with The Onion’s definitive issue-by-issue guide to the presidential candidates.
U.S. Presidential Candidates Barack Obama (Democrat) and Mitt Romney (Republican)
Entitlement Programs
O: At this point is just working on making sure all elderly Americans have something to shit into.
R: Romney is firmly against all entitlement programs except unemployment insurance, which he was forced to rely on in his mid-20s when he was an out-of-work manufacturing laborer in Massachusetts.
Abortion
O: Seeks to ensure that all women have unimpeded access to family planning resources and abortion providers, particularly Ann Barrows of Roanoke, VA, whom he met at a hotel bar on a campaign swing several months ago and whom he believes should definitely go to Planned Parenthood and really give some good, solid thought to terminating this pregnancy.
R: Pro-government-choice.
Israel
O: Recognizes there are 41 actual U.S. states that demand less of his attention than this obnoxious, self-important little puke of an ally.
R: Adamantly “pro-Heeb” and lovingly refers to the nation as “his little Jew-Jew-Be.”
Gun Control
O: Would like to see stricter gun controls laws but admits that giving post-shooting spree speeches is his time to shine.
R: Any weapons that help kill off the burgeoning deer population always running out in the middle of fucking traffic in Belmont, MA are fine by him.
Stance on Torture
O: Since he’s not running against torture-survivor John McCain this time around, he can finally express his true feelings on the subject: absolutely loves it.
R: Favors multiple forms of torture, including subjecting Americans to campaign stops, political rallies, commercials, and convention speeches.
Iran
O: Policy involves a lot of sighing and telling Hillary Clinton to please just fix it.
R: Is open to World War III if it increases GDP.
Education
O: Actually does believe copies of the Quran should be available in schools for its teachings on morality, but will probably wait another year or so to bring it up.
R: Romney is a spokesman for “It Gets Even Better,” a national PSA campaign targeted at bullies.
Taxes
O: See page 226 of ‘Mein Kampf.’
R: Has a tax plan that would take way too long to explain, but will totally work, so please just elect him president.
Immigration
O: Believes all individuals who come to the United States seeking a better life deserve the right to be pandered to by Democratic leaders for a few months once every two years.
R: Illegal immigrants who were brought to the country as small children will be granted citizenship, but their parents will be executed and they will be forced to watch.
The Environment
O: Has spoken at length about clean air and water and low carbon emissions, aiming to lull the environment into a false sense of trust and complacency, at which point he can frack the shit out of it.
R: Will reduce our contribution to greenhouse gases and harmful pollutants by closing down thousands of manufacturing plants and factories across the country.
The Economy
O: Considers the economy a distraction from other issues he considers important, such as being considered a success and having people like him.
R: Plans on implementing an economic policy that is better in every way imaginable and will also save you money, all while costing the government nothing. He’s just that good.
Health Care
O: Wonders what ideas Romney has on health care, as the Republican nominee has come up with some pretty great ones in the past – such as an individual mandate and insurance exchanges – so the president thinks it would be great to just pick his brain about what else to pursue.
R: Working on plan to provide Americans with affordable body bags.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE
Struck in head by lightning-fast swing of 4-Wood
The Unconventional Gazette / November 4, 2012
A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball with a 4-Wood, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead of fucking lessons!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43. Funeral services are pending.
The Unconventional Gazette / November 4, 2012
A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball with a 4-Wood, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead of fucking lessons!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43. Funeral services are pending.
Friday, November 2, 2012
REPORT: ONLY WAY NATION WILL PAY ATTENTION TO CLIMATE CHANGE IS IF JULIA ROBERTS DIES IN HURRICANE
The Onion / October 31, 2012
TALLAHASSEE, FL—As the nation recovers from Hurricane Sandy, Florida State University researchers released a report Wednesday revealing that the only circumstance in which Americans would ever pay any attention at all to the issue of climate change would be if film actress Julia Roberts were killed in a hurricane.
“Our data suggest that Julia Roberts will either have to drown in rising floodwaters or be crushed to death as 170-mile-per-hour winds demolish her home before the country even acknowledges global warming,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Brooke Langley, adding that the widely beloved star of Erin Brockovich and Pretty Woman would need to be killed in no less than a Category 1 tropical cyclone for the populace to notice that irregular climate shifts pose a very real threat to humanity. “Even if millions are killed and entire cities are washed away, only the sight of Ms. Roberts’ pale, lifeless corpse lying amid storm wreckage will convince Americans to have open and frank discussions about the disastrous effects of greenhouse-gas emissions. And even then, there’s no telling if it will be enough for the country to actively take any steps to reduce them.”
At press time, disappointed climatologists confirmed that Julia Roberts remains alive and was entirely unharmed by Hurricane Sandy.
TALLAHASSEE, FL—As the nation recovers from Hurricane Sandy, Florida State University researchers released a report Wednesday revealing that the only circumstance in which Americans would ever pay any attention at all to the issue of climate change would be if film actress Julia Roberts were killed in a hurricane.
“Our data suggest that Julia Roberts will either have to drown in rising floodwaters or be crushed to death as 170-mile-per-hour winds demolish her home before the country even acknowledges global warming,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Brooke Langley, adding that the widely beloved star of Erin Brockovich and Pretty Woman would need to be killed in no less than a Category 1 tropical cyclone for the populace to notice that irregular climate shifts pose a very real threat to humanity. “Even if millions are killed and entire cities are washed away, only the sight of Ms. Roberts’ pale, lifeless corpse lying amid storm wreckage will convince Americans to have open and frank discussions about the disastrous effects of greenhouse-gas emissions. And even then, there’s no telling if it will be enough for the country to actively take any steps to reduce them.”
At press time, disappointed climatologists confirmed that Julia Roberts remains alive and was entirely unharmed by Hurricane Sandy.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
THE MORAL TO A VERY TOUCHING STORY
The Marine Corps woman F/A-18 pilot
The Unconventional Gazette / November 1, 2012
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine Corps pilot in Desert Storm, and her F/A-18 got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
''Good Heavens!” exclaimed the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
The Unconventional Gazette / November 1, 2012
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine Corps pilot in Desert Storm, and her F/A-18 got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
''Good Heavens!” exclaimed the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
EARLY TRICK OR TREAT VISITOR
BarkGrowlBite / October 31, 2012
Today is Halloween. This morning it was still dark when I went out the door to pick up today’s Houston Chronicle. Suddenly, not two feet from my front walkway, I spotted a little Trick or Treat visitor.
Lo and behold, there sat a possum. I got within one foot of the critter but I didn’t want to get any closer. Because he did not scurry away from me I was afraid he might have been sick, possibly with rabies, and I did not want to get bit.
We both just stayed there looking at each other. I started talking to him and he looked at me like I was nuts. After three or four minutes I went on to get the newspaper. As I walked back to the house, the possum remained in place. A half hour later, when it was getting to be daylight, I went outside to take another look. The possum was gone.
In all the years that I have seen Halloween come and go, Mr. Possum was by far the best Trick or Treat visitor I ever had.
Today is Halloween. This morning it was still dark when I went out the door to pick up today’s Houston Chronicle. Suddenly, not two feet from my front walkway, I spotted a little Trick or Treat visitor.
Lo and behold, there sat a possum. I got within one foot of the critter but I didn’t want to get any closer. Because he did not scurry away from me I was afraid he might have been sick, possibly with rabies, and I did not want to get bit.
We both just stayed there looking at each other. I started talking to him and he looked at me like I was nuts. After three or four minutes I went on to get the newspaper. As I walked back to the house, the possum remained in place. A half hour later, when it was getting to be daylight, I went outside to take another look. The possum was gone.
In all the years that I have seen Halloween come and go, Mr. Possum was by far the best Trick or Treat visitor I ever had.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
ALBERT EINSTEIN WAS RIGHT
The Unconventional Gazette / October 30, 2012
Albert Einstein said: "I fear the day when the technology overlaps with our humanity. The world will only have a generation of idiots."
Everywhere you go, you see people texting on their smart phones, even while they’re driving. Albert Einstein was right. We have become a nation of idiots.
Albert Einstein said: "I fear the day when the technology overlaps with our humanity. The world will only have a generation of idiots."
Everywhere you go, you see people texting on their smart phones, even while they’re driving. Albert Einstein was right. We have become a nation of idiots.
Monday, October 29, 2012
A PROBLEM WITH TIGHT SKIRTS
The Unconventional Gazette / October 29, 2012
At a busy bus stop in downtown Atlanta, a beautiful woman wearing a very tight leather skirt was waiting in line for a city bus.
After the bus arrived and stopped, and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
The woman went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
At a busy bus stop in downtown Atlanta, a beautiful woman wearing a very tight leather skirt was waiting in line for a city bus.
After the bus arrived and stopped, and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
The woman went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Saturday, October 27, 2012
THE DEER HUNTER
The Unconventional Gazette / October 27, 2012
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid Texas hunter, woke up before daybreak, raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, although he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the fuck away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the fuck away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a state game warden with his hands high in the air.
The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your fucking deer, just let me get my saddle off of it!"
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid Texas hunter, woke up before daybreak, raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, although he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the fuck away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the fuck away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a state game warden with his hands high in the air.
The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your fucking deer, just let me get my saddle off of it!"
NEW YORK COP RETIRES TO ALASKA
The Unconventional Gazette / October 27, 2012
Pete O’Brien had been a NYC cop for 27 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Pete, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'
'Not a problem' says Pete. 'After 27 years as a cop, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Pete, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! Wild sex ... that'll be great. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
Pete O’Brien had been a NYC cop for 27 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Pete, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'
'Not a problem' says Pete. 'After 27 years as a cop, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Pete, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! Wild sex ... that'll be great. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
Friday, October 26, 2012
‘MOTHER MARY WAS ESSENTIALLY RAPED,’ MOURDOCK SAYS WHILE DIGGING SELF INTO DEEPER HOLE
The Onion / October 24, 2012
NEW ALBANY, INDIANA—Defending his comment that a woman becoming pregnant from rape “is something God intended,” Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock dug himself into an even deeper hole today when he argued that, if you really stop to think about it, the Virgin Mary was basically raped by God.
“Mary certainly didn’t ask for God to impregnate her with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but obviously the Immaculate Conception, while not the result of a consensual act, was still a part of God’s plan—you see what I’m getting at, right?” said the 61-year-old man who currently serves as the state treasurer of Indiana. “Of course I don’t condone sexual assault. I’m just saying that sometimes when a woman is violated and impregnated against her will, it’s actually a really good thing in the end, because God’s rape of Mary gave us Jesus, and Jesus saved mankind from sin. So that’s one example right there.”
At press time, multiple male Senate candidates in their 60s remained divided between those who believe pregnancies resulting from rape are biologically impossible and those who believe they are the divine will of God.
NEW ALBANY, INDIANA—Defending his comment that a woman becoming pregnant from rape “is something God intended,” Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock dug himself into an even deeper hole today when he argued that, if you really stop to think about it, the Virgin Mary was basically raped by God.
“Mary certainly didn’t ask for God to impregnate her with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but obviously the Immaculate Conception, while not the result of a consensual act, was still a part of God’s plan—you see what I’m getting at, right?” said the 61-year-old man who currently serves as the state treasurer of Indiana. “Of course I don’t condone sexual assault. I’m just saying that sometimes when a woman is violated and impregnated against her will, it’s actually a really good thing in the end, because God’s rape of Mary gave us Jesus, and Jesus saved mankind from sin. So that’s one example right there.”
At press time, multiple male Senate candidates in their 60s remained divided between those who believe pregnancies resulting from rape are biologically impossible and those who believe they are the divine will of God.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
COPHEIMER’S DISEASE
Copheimer’s is a loss of brain function peculiar to law enforcement officers that causes cops to lose their guns in public restrooms
BarkGrowlBite / October 25, 2012
Last week a businessman from Ohio went into one of the public restrooms at Denver International airport and found a .45 cal. Glock pistol on the back of a toilet seat. The gun had 10 rounds in its magazine and one round in the chamber. The Ohio traveler notified the Denver police and they turned the gun over to an FBI agent. The Glock was found to belong to a Drug Enforcement Agent who was scheduled to fly from Denver to Houston. The DEA agent was able to retrieve his gun after the FBI verified that it was his department issued weapon.
The DEA agent told the FBI that he went into the restroom to take a crap. He removed the Glock from his holster and laid it on the back of the toilet seat. After completing his business he left the stall without remembering that he had laid his piece aside.
Apparently, a lot of cops are suffering from Copheimer’s Disease. The Houston Chronicle’s Dane Schiller reports that “there have been a stream of incidents involving officers and agents from various agencies, leaving their guns in bathrooms in airports and at least once, on a plane.”
In August, a Secret Service agent left a gun in the bathroom on presidential candidate Mitt Romney's plane. It was found by a reporter traveling with the campaign. In 2011, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer left his gun in a shitter at Houston’s Bush Intercontinental Airport. Also last year, a federal agent left a gun in an El Paso airport restroom.
Schiller says that guns found in airport restrooms tend to make headlines, but most of the incidents involving cops who lost their guns get little if any public notice. “The Department of Homeland Security had 179 firearms go missing from 2006 through 2008 - in places like cars, restaurants and bathrooms - because officers did not properly secure them, according to a 2010 report by the agency's Office of Inspector General.”
So here is my warning to all law enforcement officers: Don’t take a crap while packing heat! You could be suffering from Copheimer’s Disease.
BarkGrowlBite / October 25, 2012
Last week a businessman from Ohio went into one of the public restrooms at Denver International airport and found a .45 cal. Glock pistol on the back of a toilet seat. The gun had 10 rounds in its magazine and one round in the chamber. The Ohio traveler notified the Denver police and they turned the gun over to an FBI agent. The Glock was found to belong to a Drug Enforcement Agent who was scheduled to fly from Denver to Houston. The DEA agent was able to retrieve his gun after the FBI verified that it was his department issued weapon.
The DEA agent told the FBI that he went into the restroom to take a crap. He removed the Glock from his holster and laid it on the back of the toilet seat. After completing his business he left the stall without remembering that he had laid his piece aside.
Apparently, a lot of cops are suffering from Copheimer’s Disease. The Houston Chronicle’s Dane Schiller reports that “there have been a stream of incidents involving officers and agents from various agencies, leaving their guns in bathrooms in airports and at least once, on a plane.”
In August, a Secret Service agent left a gun in the bathroom on presidential candidate Mitt Romney's plane. It was found by a reporter traveling with the campaign. In 2011, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer left his gun in a shitter at Houston’s Bush Intercontinental Airport. Also last year, a federal agent left a gun in an El Paso airport restroom.
Schiller says that guns found in airport restrooms tend to make headlines, but most of the incidents involving cops who lost their guns get little if any public notice. “The Department of Homeland Security had 179 firearms go missing from 2006 through 2008 - in places like cars, restaurants and bathrooms - because officers did not properly secure them, according to a 2010 report by the agency's Office of Inspector General.”
So here is my warning to all law enforcement officers: Don’t take a crap while packing heat! You could be suffering from Copheimer’s Disease.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
PSYCHOLOGY VS. LAW
The Unconventional Gazette / October 24, 2012
A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice: “I don’t want to spend the night with you.”
All the students in the library stared at the guy and he was embarrassed. A couple of minutes after he had scurried away, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him: “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice: “$300 just for one night? That’s too much.”
As all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, the guy whispered in her ears: “I study Law and I know how to make someone look guilty."
A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice: “I don’t want to spend the night with you.”
All the students in the library stared at the guy and he was embarrassed. A couple of minutes after he had scurried away, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him: “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice: “$300 just for one night? That’s too much.”
As all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, the guy whispered in her ears: “I study Law and I know how to make someone look guilty."
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
THE BALLAD OF ISLAMIST RAGE BOY
By A. Barton Hinkle
Jewish World Review / October 23,2012
They made a movie I don't like — at least, I'm pretty sure;
I haven't really seen it yet; the flick is frightfully obscure.
It's out there somewhere, though — a fact that drives me nuts.
And that is why my friends and I all hate your stinking guts.
We'd like to kill you slowly — soon, with lots of pain and blood —
For letting anyone produce such narrow-minded crud.
You've hurt our feelings — mocked our Prophet — made us blow a gasket.
We won't find any peace until your head is in a basket.
A stoning, for such blasphemy, might also be required
By those of us who are by grace and tolerance inspired.
With sticks and stones we'll break your bones while you complain and snivel
For having the audacity to imply that we're uncivil.
Don't feel too bad — it's not just you; we also plan to slaughter
Any mother or her son who tries to teach a daughter
Math or science, prose or verse, or other learned arts.
Stultifying minds, you see, is how we capture hearts.
We shot one girl the other day — Malala is her name.
Despite the many protests, we feel not a whit of shame.
Defying us, she tried to learn, and now she's in our debt —
For she's been taught a lesson that she will not soon forget.
We're also torching schools when we catch them teaching girls —
There's nothing like the morning smell of smoking flesh and curls.
Our methods may be stern, but with God's blessing we'll persist
'Til every girls' school puts a sign up, reading: "Class Dismissed."
We're waging war as well on what we deem immodest dress.
The passions it can stir we all must instantly repress,
For otherwise, one cannot tell where such things could be leading;
Without us men, the women might display improper breeding.
An inter-gender glance that lingers could ignite intense emotions
That could distract a man and woman from their Heavenly devotions
Such as love, and joy, and tenderness — and others we disparage
As having no befitting role within a proper marriage.
So it's our duty to ensure the ladies all stay chaste —
And those who don't, for their own good, must quickly be de-faced
By veiling, slashing, stoning, or a simple vial of acid.
That's the ticket that we use to keep our members flaccid.
We've built some scaffolds, too, for men who lie with men.
They did that once in Sodom, but won't do it here again.
We'll stretch their necks with solid rope we've twisted into nooses —
That will stop those fellows cold, and dry up all their juices.
For thieves we keep a vorpal blade, for cleaving hand from arm;
Some find this quite barbaric; we think it has its charm.
Five-finger discounts, people find, aren't nearly as much fun
When, counting up your digits, you discover you have none.
Our attitude on heretics is: never, ever judge —
We don't care how they die and we will not hold a grudge,
So long as they die slowly — and make it hurt like hell.
If everyone can hear them scream, then we think that they've died well.
And then, of course, there is The Jew — that son of ape and pig
Whose double-dealing forces neighbors to renege
On promises pre-emptively, before The Jew can do it.
The lack of peace is all his fault — no matter how you view it.
Just look around the modern world, which knew no strife or stress
Until The Jew appeared to impede its happiness.
Now brother fights with brother, and Sunni fights with Shi'a.
I'm telling you, those Euro-fascists had the right idea.
Don't get me wrong! — I don't concede the Holocaust was real.
It's just a Jewish fantasy cooked up so Jews could steal
The land where milk and honey once through other fingers flowed.
The very thought makes me so mad I think I might explode.
What really gets my goat, of course, is how you all depict us:
Wild-eyed and waving fists, mouths twisted into a rictus.
How such a funny notion ever got into your head. . . .
Was it something that we did, or something we said?
Jewish World Review / October 23,2012
They made a movie I don't like — at least, I'm pretty sure;
I haven't really seen it yet; the flick is frightfully obscure.
It's out there somewhere, though — a fact that drives me nuts.
And that is why my friends and I all hate your stinking guts.
We'd like to kill you slowly — soon, with lots of pain and blood —
For letting anyone produce such narrow-minded crud.
You've hurt our feelings — mocked our Prophet — made us blow a gasket.
We won't find any peace until your head is in a basket.
A stoning, for such blasphemy, might also be required
By those of us who are by grace and tolerance inspired.
With sticks and stones we'll break your bones while you complain and snivel
For having the audacity to imply that we're uncivil.
Don't feel too bad — it's not just you; we also plan to slaughter
Any mother or her son who tries to teach a daughter
Math or science, prose or verse, or other learned arts.
Stultifying minds, you see, is how we capture hearts.
We shot one girl the other day — Malala is her name.
Despite the many protests, we feel not a whit of shame.
Defying us, she tried to learn, and now she's in our debt —
For she's been taught a lesson that she will not soon forget.
We're also torching schools when we catch them teaching girls —
There's nothing like the morning smell of smoking flesh and curls.
Our methods may be stern, but with God's blessing we'll persist
'Til every girls' school puts a sign up, reading: "Class Dismissed."
We're waging war as well on what we deem immodest dress.
The passions it can stir we all must instantly repress,
For otherwise, one cannot tell where such things could be leading;
Without us men, the women might display improper breeding.
An inter-gender glance that lingers could ignite intense emotions
That could distract a man and woman from their Heavenly devotions
Such as love, and joy, and tenderness — and others we disparage
As having no befitting role within a proper marriage.
So it's our duty to ensure the ladies all stay chaste —
And those who don't, for their own good, must quickly be de-faced
By veiling, slashing, stoning, or a simple vial of acid.
That's the ticket that we use to keep our members flaccid.
We've built some scaffolds, too, for men who lie with men.
They did that once in Sodom, but won't do it here again.
We'll stretch their necks with solid rope we've twisted into nooses —
That will stop those fellows cold, and dry up all their juices.
For thieves we keep a vorpal blade, for cleaving hand from arm;
Some find this quite barbaric; we think it has its charm.
Five-finger discounts, people find, aren't nearly as much fun
When, counting up your digits, you discover you have none.
Our attitude on heretics is: never, ever judge —
We don't care how they die and we will not hold a grudge,
So long as they die slowly — and make it hurt like hell.
If everyone can hear them scream, then we think that they've died well.
And then, of course, there is The Jew — that son of ape and pig
Whose double-dealing forces neighbors to renege
On promises pre-emptively, before The Jew can do it.
The lack of peace is all his fault — no matter how you view it.
Just look around the modern world, which knew no strife or stress
Until The Jew appeared to impede its happiness.
Now brother fights with brother, and Sunni fights with Shi'a.
I'm telling you, those Euro-fascists had the right idea.
Don't get me wrong! — I don't concede the Holocaust was real.
It's just a Jewish fantasy cooked up so Jews could steal
The land where milk and honey once through other fingers flowed.
The very thought makes me so mad I think I might explode.
What really gets my goat, of course, is how you all depict us:
Wild-eyed and waving fists, mouths twisted into a rictus.
How such a funny notion ever got into your head. . . .
Was it something that we did, or something we said?
THERE AREN’T MANY FARMS IN DETROIT
The Unconventional Gazette / October 23, 2012
A first grade teacher in a Detroit school asked the kids in her class what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone jumped up and yelled: "Freeze Muthafucka"
A first grade teacher in a Detroit school asked the kids in her class what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone jumped up and yelled: "Freeze Muthafucka"
Monday, October 22, 2012
MEDICAL NEWS FROM AUSTRALIA
The Unconventional Gazette / October 22, 2012
Before you have major surgery that requires a blood transfusion, you would be wise to discuss this latest medical discovery with your physician.
Australian researchers using 473 male prison inmates and 251 women inmates have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. Chicken blood transfusions have been found to work regardless of the patient’s blood type and they tend to make the men more cocky and the women lay better.
Before you have major surgery that requires a blood transfusion, you would be wise to discuss this latest medical discovery with your physician.
Australian researchers using 473 male prison inmates and 251 women inmates have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. Chicken blood transfusions have been found to work regardless of the patient’s blood type and they tend to make the men more cocky and the women lay better.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
SECRETARY OF INTERIOR DECKS SMART-ASS BUFFALO
The Onion / October 13, 2012
LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday.
The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit attitude from the moment Salazar stepped out of his car and began touring the ranch, his provocations eventually leading the secretary to coldcock the herd animal. According to witnesses, the bison loudly chewed on grass and sedges while he spoke, and grunted repeatedly, even when Salazar confronted him and said, “You shut the hell up, or I promise this won’t end pretty for you.”
Though Salazar warned the buffalo several times to get out of his face and go roam with all his little buffalo friends, the insolent herbivore continued to stare at Salazar, prompting the secretary to land a hard right cross on the bison’s jaw, knocking him unconscious.
“I said if he kept it up there were going to be two sounds: my fist hitting the buffalo, and the buffalo hitting the ground,” Salazar said after landing the devastating haymaker, which caused the bison to emit a pained groan, become wobbly, and then topple over. “If he had a problem with me, that’s fine, but he didn’t have to be a dick about it. Just staring at me, blinking slowly, and basically acting like a smarmy son of a bitch certainly didn’t do him any favors.”
“When he wakes up,” Salazar continued, “ask him if he’ll think twice the next time he decides to be a cocksucker and play his cute little games.”
Salazar, who visited the buffalo ranch to commend its owners on their commitment to raising grass-fed livestock, said the other bison were gracious and treated him with respect, never once embarrassing Interior Department officials by rubbing their horns against a fence post or rutting in public “like a goddamn idiot.”
Sources confirmed that Salazar now believes the buffalo wanted to cause a scene, and toward that end purposefully rolled around in dust and mud prior to the secretary’s arrival.
“For a second I thought the mature thing to do would be to take the high road and not stoop to that piece of shit’s level,” said Salazar, adding that the buffalo was out of his mind if he thought he could continue to jerk him around without getting his ass handed to him. “But then he started loudly gulping down water from his trough when I was trying to reason with him, and I was like, ‘Fuck this shit.’”
“I think I broke my hand, but it was totally worth it to watch that hoofed smart-ass go cross-eyed,” Salazar added.
Observers at the scene agreed the bison did indeed have it coming, and that it wasn’t a question of if Salazar would deck the belligerent grazing mammal, but when. Moreover, many expressed relief when the secretary finally socked the buffalo, saying the tension between the two was making everyone uncomfortable, especially after Salazar asked him point blank what the fuck his problem was.
According to officials within the Interior Department, this isn’t the first time Salazar has gotten violent with America’s flora and fauna. In February 2009 he kicked a hen in its beak for treating him disrespectfully, and in May of that same year he threw a beer in a tulip’s face when it refused to bloom.
During a visit to a wildlife preserve in Montana last June, Salazar got into an altercation with a mountain goat, but the two have since reconciled. Officials confirmed, however, that none of the previously mentioned species were asking for it as much as the buffalo.
“I was very disappointed in the behavior of my bison,” ranch owner Vernon Gregory said. “Truth be told, when he just stood there and pretended like Mr. Salazar wasn’t even talking to him, I was very embarrassed for myself, my wife, and all the other animals who went out of their way to treat the secretary with courtesy. If Mr. Salazar wouldn’t have laid him out in that pasture, I would have.”
LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday.
The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit attitude from the moment Salazar stepped out of his car and began touring the ranch, his provocations eventually leading the secretary to coldcock the herd animal. According to witnesses, the bison loudly chewed on grass and sedges while he spoke, and grunted repeatedly, even when Salazar confronted him and said, “You shut the hell up, or I promise this won’t end pretty for you.”
Though Salazar warned the buffalo several times to get out of his face and go roam with all his little buffalo friends, the insolent herbivore continued to stare at Salazar, prompting the secretary to land a hard right cross on the bison’s jaw, knocking him unconscious.
“I said if he kept it up there were going to be two sounds: my fist hitting the buffalo, and the buffalo hitting the ground,” Salazar said after landing the devastating haymaker, which caused the bison to emit a pained groan, become wobbly, and then topple over. “If he had a problem with me, that’s fine, but he didn’t have to be a dick about it. Just staring at me, blinking slowly, and basically acting like a smarmy son of a bitch certainly didn’t do him any favors.”
“When he wakes up,” Salazar continued, “ask him if he’ll think twice the next time he decides to be a cocksucker and play his cute little games.”
Salazar, who visited the buffalo ranch to commend its owners on their commitment to raising grass-fed livestock, said the other bison were gracious and treated him with respect, never once embarrassing Interior Department officials by rubbing their horns against a fence post or rutting in public “like a goddamn idiot.”
Sources confirmed that Salazar now believes the buffalo wanted to cause a scene, and toward that end purposefully rolled around in dust and mud prior to the secretary’s arrival.
“For a second I thought the mature thing to do would be to take the high road and not stoop to that piece of shit’s level,” said Salazar, adding that the buffalo was out of his mind if he thought he could continue to jerk him around without getting his ass handed to him. “But then he started loudly gulping down water from his trough when I was trying to reason with him, and I was like, ‘Fuck this shit.’”
“I think I broke my hand, but it was totally worth it to watch that hoofed smart-ass go cross-eyed,” Salazar added.
Observers at the scene agreed the bison did indeed have it coming, and that it wasn’t a question of if Salazar would deck the belligerent grazing mammal, but when. Moreover, many expressed relief when the secretary finally socked the buffalo, saying the tension between the two was making everyone uncomfortable, especially after Salazar asked him point blank what the fuck his problem was.
According to officials within the Interior Department, this isn’t the first time Salazar has gotten violent with America’s flora and fauna. In February 2009 he kicked a hen in its beak for treating him disrespectfully, and in May of that same year he threw a beer in a tulip’s face when it refused to bloom.
During a visit to a wildlife preserve in Montana last June, Salazar got into an altercation with a mountain goat, but the two have since reconciled. Officials confirmed, however, that none of the previously mentioned species were asking for it as much as the buffalo.
“I was very disappointed in the behavior of my bison,” ranch owner Vernon Gregory said. “Truth be told, when he just stood there and pretended like Mr. Salazar wasn’t even talking to him, I was very embarrassed for myself, my wife, and all the other animals who went out of their way to treat the secretary with courtesy. If Mr. Salazar wouldn’t have laid him out in that pasture, I would have.”
Friday, October 19, 2012
GOVERNOR PERRY, U.S. SENATORS CORNYN AND HUTCHINSON DEMAND INVESTIGATION OF SUSPECTED TERRORIST ATTACK ON BIG TEX
Ted Cruz, U.S. Senate candidate and Tea Party favorite, accuses pro-Obama electrical workers union electricians of sabotaging Texas State Fair icon; Amnesty International suspected by Rep. Ron Paul
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / October 19, 2012
This year, the State Fair of Texas was celebrating the 60th birthday of Big Tex, the 52-foot-tall cowboy that greets fairgoers in a “Howdy Folks” slow drawl voice. The iconic fiberglass structure with its 75-gallon hat and 50-pound belt buckle went up in flames Friday morning, leaving only a charred metal frame behind. "Big Tex is a symbol of everything the state fair stands for," fair spokeswoman Sue Gooding said, bemoaning the loss. "You know somebody's a true Texan if you say 'Big Tex' and they don't look at you like you're weird."
Although fire officials suspect an electrical failure, there is widespread speculation in Texas that the destruction of Big Tex was the result of an Islamist terrorist attack designee to demoralize the proud citizens of the Lone Star State.
The Unconventional Gazette obtained exclusive statements concerning Big Tex’s destruction from politicians and federal officials.
Gov. Rick Perry: “As a rational person, I am convinced that Islamic terrorists attacked our Big Tex. I’ve put the Texas Rangers on this and I personally called Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder to demand a full-scale federal investigation. When you mess with Big Tex, you’re messing with Texas and we’re not about to cotton to that.”
Sen. John Cornyn: “It sure looks like a terrorist attack to me. Texas is the energy capital of the world and an attack on the state’s iconic symbol by America’s enemies seems logical to me. I’m calling for an immediate congressional investigation."
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson: “I don’t want to get my exercise by jumping to conclusions, but this fire looks awfully suspicious to me and I am joining my esteemed colleague John Cornyn in calling for a congressional investigation. Big Tex is a symbol of the fact that everything is big and better in Texas. After nearly 20 years in the Senate, it’s just Gawd awful to be leaving on a sad note like this.”
Republican U.S. Senate candidate Ted Cruz: “If the Big Tex fire was caused by an electrical failure, then it must have been the result of sabotage by a member of the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers. It’s no secret that the electrical workers union is a strong supporter of President Obama. And all Obama supporters outside of this state hate Texas with a purple passion for being overwhelmingly Republican. So what better way to get even than to destroy this iconic symbol.”
Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Paul Sadler: “It was hard for me to watch Big Tex go up in flames. I suspect the fire was caused by a mechanical or electrical problem. My opponent is just trumpeting the Tea Party’s anti-union mantra. To make anything other than an unfortunate accident out of this event is just insane! A vote for me will be a vote for the return of sanity to the Texas congressional delegation.”
Rep. Ron Paul: “I do not believe this fire was the result of an electrical malfunction. It could have been a terrorist attack because of our federal government’s meddling in foreign affairs. But I have a strong suspicion that Amnesty International is behind the destruction of Big Tex. That New World Order organization has a special hatred for the State of Texas because we execute our most heinous murderers instead of treating them with the human kindness Amnesty International demands.”
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, D-Houston: “The accusation that the Big Tex fire was caused by Islamic terrorists is just racist motivated nonsense. That’s a reflection of the racial hatred that still permeates up and down this state. Why do you think Texans will be voting for Romney in overwhelming numbers? It’s a racial thing, you know. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ………….”
Attorney General Eric Holder: “If those Texas Republicans think the Obama administration is going to waste the federal government's time and money investigating a bunch of wild and outrageous charges by a bunch of right-wing nuts, they must be out of their ever loving minds.”
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano: “Well, in this case Attorney General Holder and I do not share the same view. I have received Gov. Perry’s request and have ordered the FBI and ATF to investigate the destruction of Big Tex. And I will promise you that if the FBI and ATF find this was indeed a terrorist attack, the full weight of the United States government will be brought down on those responsible. I have no further comment at this time.”
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / October 19, 2012
This year, the State Fair of Texas was celebrating the 60th birthday of Big Tex, the 52-foot-tall cowboy that greets fairgoers in a “Howdy Folks” slow drawl voice. The iconic fiberglass structure with its 75-gallon hat and 50-pound belt buckle went up in flames Friday morning, leaving only a charred metal frame behind. "Big Tex is a symbol of everything the state fair stands for," fair spokeswoman Sue Gooding said, bemoaning the loss. "You know somebody's a true Texan if you say 'Big Tex' and they don't look at you like you're weird."
Although fire officials suspect an electrical failure, there is widespread speculation in Texas that the destruction of Big Tex was the result of an Islamist terrorist attack designee to demoralize the proud citizens of the Lone Star State.
The Unconventional Gazette obtained exclusive statements concerning Big Tex’s destruction from politicians and federal officials.
Gov. Rick Perry: “As a rational person, I am convinced that Islamic terrorists attacked our Big Tex. I’ve put the Texas Rangers on this and I personally called Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder to demand a full-scale federal investigation. When you mess with Big Tex, you’re messing with Texas and we’re not about to cotton to that.”
Sen. John Cornyn: “It sure looks like a terrorist attack to me. Texas is the energy capital of the world and an attack on the state’s iconic symbol by America’s enemies seems logical to me. I’m calling for an immediate congressional investigation."
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson: “I don’t want to get my exercise by jumping to conclusions, but this fire looks awfully suspicious to me and I am joining my esteemed colleague John Cornyn in calling for a congressional investigation. Big Tex is a symbol of the fact that everything is big and better in Texas. After nearly 20 years in the Senate, it’s just Gawd awful to be leaving on a sad note like this.”
Republican U.S. Senate candidate Ted Cruz: “If the Big Tex fire was caused by an electrical failure, then it must have been the result of sabotage by a member of the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers. It’s no secret that the electrical workers union is a strong supporter of President Obama. And all Obama supporters outside of this state hate Texas with a purple passion for being overwhelmingly Republican. So what better way to get even than to destroy this iconic symbol.”
Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Paul Sadler: “It was hard for me to watch Big Tex go up in flames. I suspect the fire was caused by a mechanical or electrical problem. My opponent is just trumpeting the Tea Party’s anti-union mantra. To make anything other than an unfortunate accident out of this event is just insane! A vote for me will be a vote for the return of sanity to the Texas congressional delegation.”
Rep. Ron Paul: “I do not believe this fire was the result of an electrical malfunction. It could have been a terrorist attack because of our federal government’s meddling in foreign affairs. But I have a strong suspicion that Amnesty International is behind the destruction of Big Tex. That New World Order organization has a special hatred for the State of Texas because we execute our most heinous murderers instead of treating them with the human kindness Amnesty International demands.”
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, D-Houston: “The accusation that the Big Tex fire was caused by Islamic terrorists is just racist motivated nonsense. That’s a reflection of the racial hatred that still permeates up and down this state. Why do you think Texans will be voting for Romney in overwhelming numbers? It’s a racial thing, you know. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ………….”
Attorney General Eric Holder: “If those Texas Republicans think the Obama administration is going to waste the federal government's time and money investigating a bunch of wild and outrageous charges by a bunch of right-wing nuts, they must be out of their ever loving minds.”
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano: “Well, in this case Attorney General Holder and I do not share the same view. I have received Gov. Perry’s request and have ordered the FBI and ATF to investigate the destruction of Big Tex. And I will promise you that if the FBI and ATF find this was indeed a terrorist attack, the full weight of the United States government will be brought down on those responsible. I have no further comment at this time.”
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN ACCIDENTALLY PLAYS ‘BIG GOVERNMENT’S STEALIN’ OUR LIVELIHOOD’ AT OBAMA RALLY
The Onion / October 18, 2012
PARMA, OH—While performing at a campaign rally for President Barack Obama on Thursday, rock icon Bruce Springsteen reportedly failed to fire up the largely working-class audience when he accidentally played an acoustic ballad titled “Big Government’s Stealin’ Our Livelihood.”
“Can’t ever feed the appetite of Uncle Sam / Stealin’ half my paycheck out of my hand,” crooned Springsteen, unintentionally alienating the bemused crowd with brazenly pro-market and anti-union lyrics that detail the struggles of a small business owner named Mikey who is forced to declare bankruptcy due to a weak economy plagued by industry overregulation. “Green energy subsidies unfair / The middle class ain’t going nowhere / ’Cause that big ol’ government stole our livelihood again.”
According to sources, the New Jersey–bred singer-songwriter only compounded his mistake by following up with the fast-paced rocker “One Man, One Woman.”
PARMA, OH—While performing at a campaign rally for President Barack Obama on Thursday, rock icon Bruce Springsteen reportedly failed to fire up the largely working-class audience when he accidentally played an acoustic ballad titled “Big Government’s Stealin’ Our Livelihood.”
“Can’t ever feed the appetite of Uncle Sam / Stealin’ half my paycheck out of my hand,” crooned Springsteen, unintentionally alienating the bemused crowd with brazenly pro-market and anti-union lyrics that detail the struggles of a small business owner named Mikey who is forced to declare bankruptcy due to a weak economy plagued by industry overregulation. “Green energy subsidies unfair / The middle class ain’t going nowhere / ’Cause that big ol’ government stole our livelihood again.”
According to sources, the New Jersey–bred singer-songwriter only compounded his mistake by following up with the fast-paced rocker “One Man, One Woman.”
Thursday, October 18, 2012
A LONG KISS TO SAVE A JUMPER
The Unconventional Gazette / October 18, 2012
George, the leader of a biker gang, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers, and asks the young woman standing at the edge of a cliff, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that.
It was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Troopers, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why do you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
The State Troopers are now investigating whether he jumped or was pushed.
George, the leader of a biker gang, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers, and asks the young woman standing at the edge of a cliff, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that.
It was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Troopers, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why do you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
The State Troopers are now investigating whether he jumped or was pushed.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
LYNDON JOHNSON PULLS AHEAD IN POLL OF NATION'S ALZHEIMER'S PATIENTS
The Onion / October 15, 2012
BOCA RATON, FL—A survey of the nation’s Alzheimer’s patients conducted Sunday by Public Policy Polling indicates that Lyndon Johnson now holds a comfortable 8-point lead in the 2012 presidential race, having pulled ahead of candidates Hubert Humphrey, Adlai Stevenson, Mitt Romney, and Gen. George S. Patton.
“I’m voting for Lyndon Johnson this year,” said poll respondent Marjorie Halter, adding that she cast a ballot for Gregory Peck in the last election, and that she intends to vote for the Democratic ticket again this November. “I think Johnson and [Halter’s son] Doug will make a really strong team.”
According to the poll, a full 14 percent of Alzheimer’s patients are still undecided, and could very well end up voting for former Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu if she does well in Tuesday’s debate.
BOCA RATON, FL—A survey of the nation’s Alzheimer’s patients conducted Sunday by Public Policy Polling indicates that Lyndon Johnson now holds a comfortable 8-point lead in the 2012 presidential race, having pulled ahead of candidates Hubert Humphrey, Adlai Stevenson, Mitt Romney, and Gen. George S. Patton.
“I’m voting for Lyndon Johnson this year,” said poll respondent Marjorie Halter, adding that she cast a ballot for Gregory Peck in the last election, and that she intends to vote for the Democratic ticket again this November. “I think Johnson and [Halter’s son] Doug will make a really strong team.”
According to the poll, a full 14 percent of Alzheimer’s patients are still undecided, and could very well end up voting for former Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu if she does well in Tuesday’s debate.
Monday, October 15, 2012
WHY ITALIAN FATHERS AND GRANDFATHERS PASS THEIR GUNS DOWN THROUGH THE FAMILY
The Unconventional Gazette / October 15, 2012
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside and says, “Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
Guido says, "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
The dying man then sits up and says:
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man.”
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside and says, “Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
Guido says, "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
The dying man then sits up and says:
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man.”
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"
Sunday, October 14, 2012
JUST FRED
The Unconventional Gazette / October 14, 2012
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
My dental assistant was a real hottie, so it didn’t take too long before I started fooling around with her. We enjoyed sex in the dentist’s chair, on the waiting room couch and on the desk in my office ….. but she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. And then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
My dental assistant was a real hottie, so it didn’t take too long before I started fooling around with her. We enjoyed sex in the dentist’s chair, on the waiting room couch and on the desk in my office ….. but she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. And then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Friday, October 12, 2012
CHOSE HEAVEN OR HELL ON NOVEMBER 6, 2012
The Unconventional Gazette / October 12, 2012
As he was crossing a Washington, D.C. street one day, a Senator who like other members of Congress had enriched himself while in office, was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where he is met by St. Peter.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted.”
The moral of this story is: Vote wisely on November 6, 2012.
As he was crossing a Washington, D.C. street one day, a Senator who like other members of Congress had enriched himself while in office, was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where he is met by St. Peter.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted.”
The moral of this story is: Vote wisely on November 6, 2012.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
WHO READS AMERICA’S LEADING NEWSPAPERS?
By Ima Schmuck
The Unconventional Gazette / October 11, 2012
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country but can’t find the time because they’re stoned on medical marijuana and too occupied with gangbanging each other and demonstrating in favor of illegal immigration and against police brutality.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose grandparents and great-grandparents used to run the country.
The Chicago Sun-Times is read by people that don’t really care who's running the country because they’re busy dealing with crooked aldermen and other corrupt city officials while being distracted by the prosecutions and imprisonment of their state governors – Otto Kerner, Dan Walker, George Ryan and Rod Blagojevich.
The New York Daily News is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who believe they are living in The People’s Republic of San Francisco run by gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders and aliens from outer space. They don’t care who is running the country as long as they can hold demonstrations against capitalism, enjoy child porn, smoke pot, use meth and have sex in public.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
The Commercial Appeal (of Memphis, Tennessee) is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
The Detroit Free Press is read by people who cannot read but who like to look at sports pictures and the comics.
The Unconventional Gazette / October 11, 2012
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country but can’t find the time because they’re stoned on medical marijuana and too occupied with gangbanging each other and demonstrating in favor of illegal immigration and against police brutality.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose grandparents and great-grandparents used to run the country.
The Chicago Sun-Times is read by people that don’t really care who's running the country because they’re busy dealing with crooked aldermen and other corrupt city officials while being distracted by the prosecutions and imprisonment of their state governors – Otto Kerner, Dan Walker, George Ryan and Rod Blagojevich.
The New York Daily News is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who believe they are living in The People’s Republic of San Francisco run by gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders and aliens from outer space. They don’t care who is running the country as long as they can hold demonstrations against capitalism, enjoy child porn, smoke pot, use meth and have sex in public.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
The Commercial Appeal (of Memphis, Tennessee) is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
The Detroit Free Press is read by people who cannot read but who like to look at sports pictures and the comics.
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