WHO READS AMERICA’S LEADING NEWSPAPERS?

By Ima Schmuck

The Unconventional Gazette / October 11, 2012

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country but can’t find the time because they’re stoned on medical marijuana and too occupied with gangbanging each other and demonstrating in favor of illegal immigration and against police brutality.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose grandparents and great-grandparents used to run the country.

The Chicago Sun-Times is read by people that don’t really care who's running the country because they’re busy dealing with crooked aldermen and other corrupt city officials while being distracted by the prosecutions and imprisonment of their state governors – Otto Kerner, Dan Walker, George Ryan and Rod Blagojevich.

The New York Daily News is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who believe they are living in The People’s Republic of San Francisco run by gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders and aliens from outer space. They don’t care who is running the country as long as they can hold demonstrations against capitalism, enjoy child porn, smoke pot, use meth and have sex in public.

The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

The Commercial Appeal (of Memphis, Tennessee) is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

The Detroit Free Press is read by people who cannot read but who like to look at sports pictures and the comics.