The Onion / November 12, 2012
WASHINGTON—Following the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus amid recent reports of marital infidelity, current acting director Michael Morell assured Americans Monday that he does not engage in any form of sexual activity whatsoever.
“Under no circumstances do I ever take part in sexual acts of any kind, nor do I desire to, nor have I ever deemed this activity necessary in any way,” Morell told reporters at a press conference, explaining that his genitals are “solely for excreting urine and absolutely nothing else.” “I have never had sex in the past, I am not having sex now, and I guarantee I will never have sex in the future, be it for pleasure, procreation, or any other purpose. Indeed, I am a fully asexual being who possesses neither the need nor the inclination for sexual intercourse.”
Morell then stared unblinkingly at the assembled press corps for a full five minutes.
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