The Onion / October 13, 2012
LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday.
The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit attitude from the moment Salazar stepped out of his car and began touring the ranch, his provocations eventually leading the secretary to coldcock the herd animal. According to witnesses, the bison loudly chewed on grass and sedges while he spoke, and grunted repeatedly, even when Salazar confronted him and said, “You shut the hell up, or I promise this won’t end pretty for you.”
Though Salazar warned the buffalo several times to get out of his face and go roam with all his little buffalo friends, the insolent herbivore continued to stare at Salazar, prompting the secretary to land a hard right cross on the bison’s jaw, knocking him unconscious.
“I said if he kept it up there were going to be two sounds: my fist hitting the buffalo, and the buffalo hitting the ground,” Salazar said after landing the devastating haymaker, which caused the bison to emit a pained groan, become wobbly, and then topple over. “If he had a problem with me, that’s fine, but he didn’t have to be a dick about it. Just staring at me, blinking slowly, and basically acting like a smarmy son of a bitch certainly didn’t do him any favors.”
“When he wakes up,” Salazar continued, “ask him if he’ll think twice the next time he decides to be a cocksucker and play his cute little games.”
Salazar, who visited the buffalo ranch to commend its owners on their commitment to raising grass-fed livestock, said the other bison were gracious and treated him with respect, never once embarrassing Interior Department officials by rubbing their horns against a fence post or rutting in public “like a goddamn idiot.”
Sources confirmed that Salazar now believes the buffalo wanted to cause a scene, and toward that end purposefully rolled around in dust and mud prior to the secretary’s arrival.
“For a second I thought the mature thing to do would be to take the high road and not stoop to that piece of shit’s level,” said Salazar, adding that the buffalo was out of his mind if he thought he could continue to jerk him around without getting his ass handed to him. “But then he started loudly gulping down water from his trough when I was trying to reason with him, and I was like, ‘Fuck this shit.’”
“I think I broke my hand, but it was totally worth it to watch that hoofed smart-ass go cross-eyed,” Salazar added.
Observers at the scene agreed the bison did indeed have it coming, and that it wasn’t a question of if Salazar would deck the belligerent grazing mammal, but when. Moreover, many expressed relief when the secretary finally socked the buffalo, saying the tension between the two was making everyone uncomfortable, especially after Salazar asked him point blank what the fuck his problem was.
According to officials within the Interior Department, this isn’t the first time Salazar has gotten violent with America’s flora and fauna. In February 2009 he kicked a hen in its beak for treating him disrespectfully, and in May of that same year he threw a beer in a tulip’s face when it refused to bloom.
During a visit to a wildlife preserve in Montana last June, Salazar got into an altercation with a mountain goat, but the two have since reconciled. Officials confirmed, however, that none of the previously mentioned species were asking for it as much as the buffalo.
“I was very disappointed in the behavior of my bison,” ranch owner Vernon Gregory said. “Truth be told, when he just stood there and pretended like Mr. Salazar wasn’t even talking to him, I was very embarrassed for myself, my wife, and all the other animals who went out of their way to treat the secretary with courtesy. If Mr. Salazar wouldn’t have laid him out in that pasture, I would have.”
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