The Onion / October 31, 2012
As Election Day nears, inform your vote with The Onion’s definitive issue-by-issue guide to the presidential candidates.
U.S. Presidential Candidates Barack Obama (Democrat) and Mitt Romney (Republican)
Entitlement Programs
O: At this point is just working on making sure all elderly Americans have something to shit into.
R: Romney is firmly against all entitlement programs except unemployment insurance, which he was forced to rely on in his mid-20s when he was an out-of-work manufacturing laborer in Massachusetts.
Abortion
O: Seeks to ensure that all women have unimpeded access to family planning resources and abortion providers, particularly Ann Barrows of Roanoke, VA, whom he met at a hotel bar on a campaign swing several months ago and whom he believes should definitely go to Planned Parenthood and really give some good, solid thought to terminating this pregnancy.
R: Pro-government-choice.
Israel
O: Recognizes there are 41 actual U.S. states that demand less of his attention than this obnoxious, self-important little puke of an ally.
R: Adamantly “pro-Heeb” and lovingly refers to the nation as “his little Jew-Jew-Be.”
Gun Control
O: Would like to see stricter gun controls laws but admits that giving post-shooting spree speeches is his time to shine.
R: Any weapons that help kill off the burgeoning deer population always running out in the middle of fucking traffic in Belmont, MA are fine by him.
Stance on Torture
O: Since he’s not running against torture-survivor John McCain this time around, he can finally express his true feelings on the subject: absolutely loves it.
R: Favors multiple forms of torture, including subjecting Americans to campaign stops, political rallies, commercials, and convention speeches.
Iran
O: Policy involves a lot of sighing and telling Hillary Clinton to please just fix it.
R: Is open to World War III if it increases GDP.
Education
O: Actually does believe copies of the Quran should be available in schools for its teachings on morality, but will probably wait another year or so to bring it up.
R: Romney is a spokesman for “It Gets Even Better,” a national PSA campaign targeted at bullies.
Taxes
O: See page 226 of ‘Mein Kampf.’
R: Has a tax plan that would take way too long to explain, but will totally work, so please just elect him president.
Immigration
O: Believes all individuals who come to the United States seeking a better life deserve the right to be pandered to by Democratic leaders for a few months once every two years.
R: Illegal immigrants who were brought to the country as small children will be granted citizenship, but their parents will be executed and they will be forced to watch.
The Environment
O: Has spoken at length about clean air and water and low carbon emissions, aiming to lull the environment into a false sense of trust and complacency, at which point he can frack the shit out of it.
R: Will reduce our contribution to greenhouse gases and harmful pollutants by closing down thousands of manufacturing plants and factories across the country.
The Economy
O: Considers the economy a distraction from other issues he considers important, such as being considered a success and having people like him.
R: Plans on implementing an economic policy that is better in every way imaginable and will also save you money, all while costing the government nothing. He’s just that good.
Health Care
O: Wonders what ideas Romney has on health care, as the Republican nominee has come up with some pretty great ones in the past – such as an individual mandate and insurance exchanges – so the president thinks it would be great to just pick his brain about what else to pursue.
R: Working on plan to provide Americans with affordable body bags.
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