THE ENLIGHTENED STATES OF AMERICA (E.S.A.)

The only other secession occurred in 1861

The Unconventional Gazette / November 11, 2012

Ima Schmuck, our editor, received the following notice from New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg:

Attention Red States

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics, and we've decided we're seceding.

We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.).

To sum up briefly:

We get Silicone Valley, Wall Street and the best beaches. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research. You get mosquito-borne diseases.

We get sharp progressives like Al Franken, Tammy Baldwin and Elizabeth Warren. You get dumbass conservatives like Rick Perry, Todd 'Legitimate Rape' Akin and Rush Limbaugh.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Texas’ death row.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Kentucky Fried Chicken.

We get Harvard. You get Angola.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get tobacco farms, migrant farmworkers and red necks.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue because our population is well educated. You get stuck with semiliterate high school graduates who can’t add, subtract, multiply or divide and with prison inmates.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and the premiere universities of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, and such notable institutions of higher education as Bob Jones University, Fruitland Baptist Bible Institute, Pat Robertson’s Regent University and Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that the theory of evolution is an atheist lie, 53% think that the CIA was behind 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good California weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

/Signed/
Andrew M. Cuomo
Michael Bloomberg
Founding Fathers of the Enlightened States of America