The Onion | April 5, 2016
With experts predicting that the effects of global warming could be catastrophic in the next 50 years, here are some ways that coastal cities are addressing the challenges of rising sea levels:
Bar Harbor, ME: Officials urging residents to stockpile vintage charm in case of emergency
Manhattan, NY: Initiating 10-year plan to replace inhabited residences with vacant Emirati-owned condo developments
Nashville, TN: Making a concerted effort to keep their perimeter 435 miles from the nearest ocean
Boston, MA: Residents have opened all of their doors and windows and issued an open challenge to the forces of nature to come at them
Seattle, WA: Space Needle jacked up 200 feet higher
Baltimore, MD: Restoring natural shoreline buffers like wetlands and shuttered factories
Washington, D.C.: Thorough Scotchgarding of the Bill of Rights
Atlantic City, NJ: Developers working around the clock to build something that would be worth saving from a flood
San Francisco, CA: Dutifully pricing entire population out of any homes within 50 miles of coastline
Galveston, TX: All set to rebuild coastal levees with government funding the moment Congress gets around to admitting climate change is real
Editor’s Note: At the behest of the Baker Institute at prestigious Rice University, Houston, TX will build a gigantic sea gate across the ship channel that will protect its petro-chemical industrial complex, but that gate will cause the water flow to flood out millions of residential homes
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