Wednesday, November 30, 2011


By Pamela Putz / The Schalotte / November 30, 2011

LOS ANGELES – A Las Vegas man who won last year’s Mr. Europe beauty contest in Barcelona, Spain has filed suit in Federal Court against the Las Vegas Playboy Club, accusing the management of gender discrimination because they refused to hire him as a Playboy Bunny. He also filed a co-joined suit against Playboy Enterprises because the editors refused to consider him for a nude centerfold in Playboy Magazine. Hugh Hefner is named as one of the defendants.

Antonio ‘Tony’ Bastardo, 26, originally from Rome, is represented by the prestigious Los Angeles law firm of Schuster, Schuster, Schuster, Schuster and Sons.

John Schuster, IV, speaking on behalf of the law firm said he thought Bastardo had a good case. He expects to win substantial damages and open the Playboy Club to male bunnies. Schuster IV also believes that the suit will lead to nude pictures of men and the coveted center fold in Playboy Magazine.

According to the suit, Bastardo tried on four occasions to obtain employment as a Playboy Bunny in the Playboy Club at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. On each occasion he was informed that only females qualified to be Playboy Bunnies. Schuster IV says that Bastardo has been judged as a ‘very well endowed handsome hunk of a man’ and, as such, he should qualify as a Playboy Bunny.

On seven occasions, Bastardo met with Playboy Magazine editors requesting that they let him pose nude for the magazine’s photographers, that those nude photos be published in a forthcoming issue of Playboy Magazine, and that one of those pictures be used as a Playmate centerfold. The editors rejected his requests because they accepted only women’s nude photos and only women qualified as Playmates. Bastardo tried without success to convince the editors that Playboy Magazine’s women readers would love to see pictures of him in the nude.

Schuster IV says that the Playboy Club and Playboy (Magazine) Enterprises are clearly violating Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 which prohibits ‘discrimination by covered employers on the basis of race, color, religion, sex or national origin’ (42 U.S.C. § 2000e-2). The lawyer said that, “Since the magazine is sold nationwide and Playboy Clubs are located in several U.S. cities, their managers are clearly considered ‘covered employers’ under Title VII.

Rudy Greenberg of Greenberg and Greenberg, a prominent Las Vegas law firm that represents the Las Vegas Playboy Club, said the lawsuit is without merit, is frivolous and is a waste of the Federal Court’s time. “Does anyone really expect to see a male Playboy Bunny?,” Greenberg asked. “Come on, that’s simply ridiculous!”

Bernard Schmutz of Drech, Schmutz and Goodman, a high-powered New York law firm that represents Playboy Enterprises, echoed Greenberg. “Are you crazy?! A nude male centerfold in a men’s magazine? No judge in this country is going to rule against our client, and you can take that to the bank!”

The Schalotte cornered Hugh Hefner after he had just been served with Bastardo’s lawsuit. In response to our questions, Hefner said: “I can’t believe this! Some guy wants to be a Playboy Bunny? A Playmate centerfold? Holy shit! Unless they’re gay, men don’t want to see some guy’s loins. They want to enjoy seeing a pretty woman’s boobs and vag. Look young lady, this is a men’s magazine.”

Hefner then looked me all over and said, “By the way … Pamela, isn’t it? … how would you like to pose for Playboy Magazine? I would say that with your good looks you’d make a terrific Playmate centerfold. Here, please take this open invitation [He handed me an engraved card] to my Playboy Mansion parties.”

John Schuster, IV, said that Bastardo is considering filing a similar lawsuit against Hooters because his application as a server had been turned down by at least a dozen of the restaurants.


By Ima Schmuck / The Schalotte / November 30, 2011

Reacting to the pepper spraying of students on the UC Davis campus, California State Assemblywoman Sheila Washington-Jackson, D-Berkeley, whose son Emanuel was one of the students, said she would introduce legislation that will prohibit campus cops from carrying any type of weapon.” True to her word, Washington-Jackson has introduced Assembly Bill 1936 that will prohibit California’s campus police from being armed with any type of weapon.

But AB 1936 goes far beyond the disarming of campus cops. Washington-Jackson’s bill will require that all new campus police hires possess a Master of Social Work Degree (MSW) and that all current campus cops must obtain an MSW degree within four years of the bill’s inception. AB 1936 has nine co-sponsors, all Democrats.

Washington-Jackson told reporters that college students are our children, not hardened street thugs and career criminals. “If they are breaking any rules, they need to be counseled, not pepper sprayed or clubbed by the police,” she said. "Police officers with MSW degrees will be better positioned to fulfill their role as campus peace officers.”

Gary Schmidtlap, president of the California Campus Police Association (CCPA) was quick to respond. “Is it any wonder that police officers vote overwhelmingly Republican,” he said. “This woman [Washington-Jackson] is nuts! We have robberies and rapes occurring on our campuses and our officers often have to grapple with steroid pumped-up drunken 320 pound football tackles and 230 pound 6-10 basket ball players. I suppose Assemblywoman Washington-Jackson and her co-sponsoring Democrats expect us to subdue those drunks by rolling up those MSW degrees and shooting spit wads at them.”

Schmidtlap added that “I’m surprised AB 1936 does not require us to have long hair and beards and to wear uniforms of tattered jeans and ‘Down With Capitalism!’ silk-screened T-shirts.”

UC Riverside sociology professor Samuel Bernstein praised Washington-Jackson for introducing AB 1936. Bernstein, whose daughter was one of the pepper sprayed students, had called on his fellow faculty members to support the disarming of all UC System campus cops. “When our children stand up for the 99% that are being oppressed and exploited by the 1%, they deserve better than to become the victims of police brutality,” Bernstein said.

UC Berkeley sociology/criminology professor David Smith also praised Washington-Jackson’s bill. “We finally have a lawmaker who understands the sociology of the college community,” he said. “Colleges and Universities are institutions of higher education where the police should not be allowed to interfere in the teaching-learning experience. Student protests are part of that experience. There is no reason to have armed storm troopers on campus and unarmed MSW cops can become a part of that teaching-learning experience.”

Legislative observers do not believe that the disarming of campus police can pass in both houses of the legislature. However, they do think that the MSW requirement has a good chance of becoming California law.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Only notable downside appears to be the men losing their jobs

by Pamela Putz / The Schalotte / November 29, 2011

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL -- Dr. Moishe Schlemiel, founder and director of Meshuggener Laboratories, gave this reporter the names of 20 Israeli couples that have been using ORGASMAXIMAL, Meshuggener’s breakthrough anti-impotence drug. Five couples from that list were selected at random and each of the 10 individuals were asked the following two questions: (1) In your own words, can you describe your ORGASMAXIMAL experience? (2) Is there any downside to having ORGASMAXIMAL sex?

Mark Rosen:

(1) All I can say is wow! What a change it’s made in my sex life. It used to be wham, bam, thank you mam. Now I can have sex for hours at a time. And my thingie has gotten much larger than it used to be. Muriel, my wife, is absolutely besides herself. She used to claim she had a headache or some other reason to avoid sex, but now she is ready to go whenever I drop my pants. And she has multiple orgasms now. That ORGASMAXIMAL really works, no doubt about it.

(2) The only downside is that I lost my job. Because I had sex with ORGASMAXIMAL, I would get to work late or not even show up because I was still having sex. But that’s OK because Israel has a generous unemployment compensation package.

Muriel Rosen:

(1) Whew, I’m really exhausted, we just finished have sex a couple of hours ago. Did it all night long. Before Mark started using ORGASMAXIMAL he was such a dud. He was only good for a couple of minutes. He couldn’t satisfy me and I no longer wanted to have sex with him. I turned to using a dildo and I even considered cheating on him. Now we have the greatest sex. I never imagined it could be so good. And Mark’s penis is so much bigger too.

(2) Well, Mark leaves me completely exhausted. It takes me a couple of days before I can get back to normal. I don’t get any housework done until I’ve recovered. And my privates are a kind of sore. Other than that I can’t think of anything.

Gerald Brownlee:

(1) I’m from San Francisco and came over here when I heard of ORGASMAXIMAL. My sex life was pretty awful, premature ejaculations, that is if I could get an erection to begin with. I tried Viagra and Cialis, but they didn’t do much for me. I couldn’t keep any girlfriends. It was the pits. Now I’m in seventh heaven. With ORGASMAXIMAL I can fuck for hours at a time. I now have an Israeli girlfriend, Rachael, and she won’t let me return to San Francisco.

(2) Except for getting exhausted, I really can’t think of a downside.

Rachael Wasserman:

(1) I met Jerry at a sidewalk café here in Tel Aviv. He told me why he came to Israel. I was curious about ORGASMAXIMAL so I decided to have sex with him that night. Lady, let me tell you something … you should find a guy that uses ORGASMAXIMAL and let him take you to bed … you haven’t lived until you’ve been laid by a guy who uses that amazing drug. Jerry and I have sex for hours at a time and he gives me multiple orgasms, I mean multiple orgasms! Even though he’s not Jewish, I’ve had him move in with me. Our sex is so phenomenal that I’m gladly supporting him until he gets a job here and I’m not about to let him go back to San Francisco.

(2) Other than getting completely exhausted and being somewhat sore you know where, I don’t have any complaints.

Vadim Polanski:

(1) Lady, I can tell you this … before I started using ORGASMAXIMAL I was using Viagra. There’s no comparison, believe me. Viagra was OK, but with ORGASMAXIMAL I’m able to perform all night long and way into the next morning. And my peter is so much bigger too. My wife screams every time she has an orgasm, and she has anywhere from 20 to 30 during the time we are having sex. The neighbors are complaining about the noise. Fuck the neighbors!

(2) Downside? Well, I got fired from my job. I was getting to work late or not even going to work because I was still having sex in the morning. When I did go to work, I would fall asleep at my desk. That’s the only downside to ORGASMAXIMAL

Anna Polanski:

(1) I’m almost too embarrassed to talk about it, but Oy Vey, once Vadim started using ORGASMAXIMAL he became a different man … God, what a different man! … Now he is superman in bed. Goes with me all night long, sometimes until noon. He has me screaming my lungs out … the neighbors are complaining … and I come, God knows how many times. And his dingy is so much bigger now, Oy Vey! To be honest with you, before ORGASMAXIMAL Vadim really didn’t satisfy me, but now Oy Vey!

(2) Other than leaving me completely exhausted and kind of sore after we have sex, I can’t think of anything. Oh yes, there is one more thing. Vadim got fired because he wasn’t showing up on time and four or five times he didn’t go in to work. Befor ORGASMAXIMAL he never missed a day and he was always on time.

Nigel Worthington:

(1) Back in London, I had a very lousy sex life. Got divorced three times because I couldn’t satisfy my wives. When I heard about ORGASMAXIMAL I came to Israel to give it a try. I went to a disco where I met my girlfriend, Sonia. I told her why I came to Israel … She agreed to have sex with me but she told me it would be a onetime only thing because I was not Jewish … she just wanted to see what sex with ORGASMAXIMAL would be like. We had sex in my hotel room. Well, let me tell you … Sonia threw her boyfriend out of the apartment they shared and had me move in with her. We’ve been together now for seven months and she doesn’t want me to go back to England … She takes care of me and treats me like a king … I’m going to stay put … Maybe I’ll convert to Judaism and marry Sonia.

(2) Well, I lost my job back home and Sonia’s ex-boyfriend gave me a good thrashing. Other than that I’ve got no complaints.

Sonia Kravitz:

(1) I thought Rafael, my former boyfriend, was great in bed … but that was before Nigel. That first night in the hotel was unbelievable. He went on and on and on, and I had so many orgasms I thought I would die. Nigel had me groaning, moaning and screaming in utter delight. I had told him that we were only going to do it one night … I didn’t want a relationship with a gentile. But that was before we fucked. I told him he was going to have to move in with me just as soon as I threw Rafael out of the apartment. We’ve been together for half-a-year and we have sex whenever I have seven or eight hours to spare. Oh God of Israel, thank you, thank you for ORGASMAXIMAL. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure Nigel stays with me in Israel.

(2) The only bad part of our sex life is that after we’re through I am completely worn out. And my privates are pretty sore. His thing is so big, you know. I would say that the only downside is that where Rafael used to share his income with me, I’m now the sole wage earner … But we’ll get by.

Rabbi Abraham Moses:

(1) Before I started using ORGASMAXIMAL, Ruth, my dear wife, and I were having sex only once a month, and then it was quick and over with. I had a hard time getting an erection and before you know it … pooph … it was gone. And many times when I wanted to have sex, Ruth would have a headache. Since I started using ORGASMAXIMAL I’m a changed man and Ruth is a changed woman. Now when we do it in bed, I can go for hours at a time and Ruth screams her head off every time she has an orgasm, and believe me she has dozens of them. Oh yes, and my penis is almost twice as big as before and now I can barely get inside Ruth … sometimes it really hurts her, but she keeps begging me to keep on. ORGASMAXIMAL is truly a miracle drug!

(2) The only problem is that now I am a rabbi without a congregation. I spent so much time in bed with Ruth, and afterwards I’d be so exhausted, that I was unable to keep up with my rabbinical responsibilities. After a couple of months, the congregation decided to kick me out. Oy Vey!

Ruth Moses:

(1) I shouldn’t tell you this young lady, but if you would have told me six months ago that sex would be so wonderful, I would have called you a lunatic. Before ORGASMAXIMAL I had sex with Abe only because I felt it was my wifely duty. I really didn’t enjoy it. But all that has changed. Abe is so great in bed now and he does it with his enlarged … you know what … for hours on end. Oh God, oh God, I didn’t know I could have so many orgasms. His big noodle really hurts going in … Oh God, does it ever! … but I want him to go on no matter how much it hurts. I wonder what would happen if I took some ORGASMAXIMAL? God, I’m tempted.

(2) After hours of uninterrupted sex, I’m just completely worn out. It takes me a couple of days to recover. Of course, until then I don’t do any of my housework. The only other thing is that my privates are so sore it’s hard for me to move around. But I’m not complaining, mind you. I just hate it that the congregation kicked out my darling Abe.


By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / November 29, 2011

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL – Prime Minister Bib Netanyahu is absolutely livid over having been snubbed by French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his wife, Carla Bruni, flew to Tel Aviv on Monday to bestow France's highest civilian award, the Legion d'Honneur, on Dr. Moishe Schlemiel, founder and director of Meshuggener Laboratories, for Meshuggener’s development of ORGASMAXIMAL, the amazing anti-impotence drug.

Sarkozy and Bruni made a quick turn-around flight, thereby snubbing the Israeli prime minister. Netanyahu told his cabinet that this was worse than when Obama kept him cooling his heels while at the White House while the U.S. president took his time having dinner with his family. Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman reportedly told Netanyahu that the little French pipsqueak wasn’t worth getting upset about.

When contacted at the Presidential Palace in Paris, Sarkozy readily admitted that he had deliberately snubbed the Israeli prime minister. When asked why, Sarkozy replied, “I don't like the man. It’s like I told President Obama, I can't stand him [Netanyahu]. He is a liar.” When asked if his snub might damage France’s relations with Israel, Sarkozy said, “As long as that liar is in office, I could care less.”

Dr. Schlemiel was asked to comment on Sarkozy’s snub. He told the Schalotte that, “Had I known that Sarkozy was going to insult our country’s leader, I would have told him to stick his fucking medal up his froggy ass!”

When President Obama was asked to comment on Sarkozy’s snub, he said, “I don’t blame my friend Nick one bit. It’s like I told him, ‘You're fed up with him, but I have to deal with him every day!’ Netanyahu is a real pain in the ass. He’s the main stumbling block to a peaceful solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.


By Pamela Putz / The Schalotte / November 29, 2011

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL -- Meshuggener Laboratories, a prominent Israeli pharmaceutical company based in Tel Aviv, has announced a remarkable anti-impotence breakthrough with the introduction of its latest drug, ORGASMAXIMAL.

After exhaustive research, Meshuggener has taken the active ingredients in six drugs - Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, ExtenZe, Enzyte and Maxoderm - and successfully combined them into one drug, ORGASMAXIMAL, which remedies erectile dysfunction, results in substantial penile enlargement, and prolongs performance for hours at a time.

Meshuggener boasted that "with ORGASMAXIMAL your woman sex partner will experience multiple orgasms and shout ‘Oy Vey’ ecstatically over and over again until she can no longer carry on."

Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu proudly proclaimed that "ORGASMAXIMAL is just one more example of tiny Israel's extraordinary ingenuity" and has nominated Dr. Moishe Schlemiel, the founder and director of Meshuggener Laboratories, for the Nobel prize in Medicine. After a special flight to Tel Aviv, President Nicolas Sarkozy and his wife, a beaming Carla Bruni, bestowed France's highest civilian award, the Legion d'Honneur, on Dr. Schlemiel.

ORGASMAXIMAL was subjected to extensive clinical testing, first on rhesus monkeys, and then on men with erectile dysfunction. Ten male rhesus monkeys were each isolated together with 10 females. In each case, the males were able to service every female, one immediately after another, until every female was completely exhausted.

After Meshuggener was satisfied with its clinical trials on the rhesus monkeys, it recruited 100 Israeli men with erectile dysfunction and 100 prostitutes that were flown in from Amsterdam. Each man was paired off with a prostitute. 50 men were given Viagra and the other 50 were given ORGASMAXIMAL. Penile sizes were recorded. The men with Viagra performed satisfactorily. The men with ORGASMAXIMAL performed until their partners were completely exhausted. No notable side effects were observed.

After a 30-day break, the couples were brought back together again and this time the application of Viagra and ORGASMAXIMAL was reversed. New penile measurements demonstrated that ORGASMAXIMAL resulted in a remarkable enlargement in every case. As in the earlier testing, the men with ORGASMAXIMAL completely exhausted their partners after hours of continuous coitus. Again, no notable side effects were observed.

Urologists are dismayed because Meshuggener claims that ORGASMAXIMAL eliminates any need for those costly penile implant surgeries.

Meshuggener Laboratories issued the following ORGASMAXIMAL warnings:

Discuss your general health condition with your doctor to ensure that you are healthy enough to engage in hours of continuous sexual activity. Prolonged coitus may put an extra strain on your heart, especially if you have heart problems. ORGASMAXIMAL should not be used in men for whom sexual activity is inadvisable due to an underlying cardiovascular condition.

Make sure that your woman is healthy enough to engage in hours of continuous coitus.

Before using this medication, tell your doctor or pharmacist your medical history, especially of penis conditions (e.g., angulation, fibrosis/scarring).

Patients who have an erection lasting LESS than 8 hours should seek immediate medical attention as this may be an indication of a near-death condition.

For further information contact Meshuggener Laboratories at or call 1-888-MAXIMAL.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / November 23, 2011

On Monday’s NBC Evening News, Brian Williams was commenting on the ‘outrage’ over the pepper spraying of the UC Davis student protesters by saying, “Just think if that was your kid.”

Utilizing my investigative experiences, I managed to locate some parents of the pepper sprayed students. I asked each of them what they thought of their kid being pepper sprayed.

Alton Jones, Walmart manager: “I was shocked beyond belief. How can this happen in America. My poor little girl had to be treated for severe irritation of her eyes and nasal passages. This is a clear cut case of police brutality. I’ve already contacted a good attorney and we’re going to sue the shit out of UC Davis, the chancellor, the chief of police and the cops who terrorized and injured my daughter.”

George Miller, banker: “I’m outraged, simply outraged. This is America, not Nazi Germany. Where did the university find those storm troopers? My son had to have his eyes washed out at the hospital. All he was doing was to sit down with his fellow students to protest something or another. They weren’t harming anybody. They were passive and peaceful like the media said. I’m going to demand that those cops be arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a dangerous weapon. And I’m going to sue everyone involved, from the university chancellor down to the janitor who cleans the campus police station.”

Samuel Bernstein, UC Riverside sociology professor: “I fully expected this kind of police misconduct. Anytime anyone in this country protests against this rotten capitalist system that oppresses the masses and exploits the workers, the cops come along and do the evil corporations’ bidding. My daughter just called me and told me she is still suffering from the effects of that pepper spray. My poor little darling. This is what she gets for standing up for the 99% that are being oppressed and exploited by the 1%. Those Neanderthal cops came along and violated the rights of a group of passive and peaceful students in their exercise of free speech and free assembly. My fellow faculty members are supporting me by petitioning for the removal of the UC Davis chancellor, the police chief, and the disarming of all UC System campus cops.”

Elizabeth Roth, real estate agent: “I’m absolutely outraged. I could not believe my eyes when I saw that on TV. What is this country coming to when the cops come and break up a peaceful student demonstration for no reason at all? My poor Bernie. He called me and said that his eyes are still burning and he is still having trouble breathing and he is still sick in his stomach. And he told me that when he shouted Heil Hitler, a cop deliberately stomped real hard on his foot and now he can barely walk. My little boy wants me to get a lawyer and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do.”

Howard Cates, retired cop, now a corporate security specialist: “As soon as I get ahold of that kid, most likely on Thanksgiving, I’m going to kick his ass. I sure as hell am not helping to pay his way through college to participate in anti-Capitalist protests inspired by Marxist professors. I do not expect him to condemn the very system that enabled me to spend my hard earned money for his education. I expect him to spend his spare time studying for his degree. And I damn sure expect him to obey a police officer’s request to move. I think he brought that pepper spraying on himself and got exactly what he damn well deserved.”

Sheila Washington-Jackson, Democrat member of the California State Assembly: “I’m dumbfounded. To have an atrocity like that perpetrated on one of our college campuses goes beyond outrage. My son Emanuel and his classmates were the victims of naked police brutality. He and his fellow students … several of them were of color, I would add … were only exercising their First Amendment rights. As a black student activist, this is not the first time Emanuel has suffered at the heavy hands of the police. I am calling on my fellow legislators to conduct a full investigation of the UC Davis police atrocity and I am introducing legislation that will prohibit campus cops from carrying any type of weapon.”

Saturday, November 19, 2011


‘I Like Your Pluck!’ Says Gracious Plutocrat

The Onion / November 15, 2011

NEW YORK—Saying the recently arrested protesters had just the right kind of tenacity and pluck needed to shake up the financial services industry, magnanimous and benevolent Morgan Stanley banker Hank Billings approached members of the Occupy Wall Street movement Tuesday morning and hired each and every one of them on the spot.

"This is exactly the kind of self-starting, 'won't go home till the job's done' kind of attitude I like to see," said the gracious Billings, claiming that he had grown to admire "the cut of [the activists'] jib" since the movement began in mid-September and that "moxie such as [theirs]" should not go unrewarded. "You all were out there every day, giving it everything you had, and by God if you ever took no for an answer. Sure, you all took some digs at me, but who needs a bunch of yes-men standing around, anyway?"

Billings then reportedly smiled, shook each protester's hand, and said he would see them all in the office "bright and early Monday morning," noting that a personal history of lawbreaking had never hindered anyone's career on Wall Street.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / November 16, 2011

A key witness to the child rape by Jerry Sandusky agreed to answer some questions if I wouldn’t use his name in The Schalotte.

Q: Sir, I appreciate your willingness to answer some questions regarding what you saw on the night of March 1, 2002.

A: Well, I don’t think the attorney I hired would want me to answer any questions, but since your publication is not anything like The New York Times or the Washington Post, I’m willing to have a go at it.

Q: Can you tell me what happened that night?

A: Well, I went to our locker room …

Q: Excuse me for interrupting, but what do you mean by our locker room?

A: That’s the Penn State football team’s locker room.

Q: OK, go ahead …

A: Well I went there to put a pair of sneakers in my locker. When I got to my locker, I think it was around 9:30 p.m. that Friday night, I heard a strange noise coming from the showers. When I took a look see, I …Holy fucking shit! … I saw coach Sandusky holding a kid, I guessed he was between nine and ten, against the wall and … Holy fucking shit! … he was giving that kid a fucking blow job.

Q: Now, the grand jury report said you turned around without doing anything and went to your father’s house.

A: Well, that’s not exactly right. I was in complete shock, I mean Coach Sandusky giving some young kid a fucking blow job! Yeah, I got the hell out of there but it’s not true that I didn’t do anything. I made sure that coach Sandusky saw me, that I saw what he was doing to that poor kid. That made him stop and that’s when I left.

Q: Instead of leaving, why didn’t you kick the shit out of Sandusky and haul him off to the cops?

A: Well, in retrospect, I guess you’re right. I should have kicked the living shit out of that bastard, for sure, and made a citizen’s arrest, or whatever you call it. But you gotta understand, I was in real shock!

Q: Now, you emailed a friend and told him that you stopped the rape in a non-physical way … by that I suppose you meant that you made sure Sandusky saw you … and that you also notified the cops and the Penn State administrator in charge of the police. When did you do that?

A: I think it was the next day, but you know I was still in shock, it could have been the day after that. I went to the campus police station and told the cop on duty what I had seen. He said something like, “Holy fuck, you gotta be kidding me!”

Q: What happened next?

A: Well he called his supervisor. He came to the station and had the same reaction when I told him what I had seen Sandusky doing to that kid. He phoned someone, maybe the campus police chief. After a while, some guy shows up in his pajamas and a bathrobe. I’m not sure, but it I think it was the chief. They had me tell him what I saw and, I kid you not, he almost passed out. When he regained his composure he told me that due to the sensitive nature of this case, I had to keep quiet about it.

Q: Did you, I mean did you keep quiet?

A: Well not exactly. I didn’t much care for the cops’ reaction, telling me to keep quiet and all that. I wasn’t sure what they were going to do, if anything, so I got ahold of the university vice-president in charge of the police and told him what I had seen Sandusky doing.

Q: What did he do?

A: Well, he said he knew all about it because the chief had just told him. He put his arm around me and told me that if word got out, this could destroy Penn State’s football program and have a devastating effect on the whole university. He told me to go home, have a couple of beers, relax and let him figure out how they were going to handle this. And that’s the last I heard about this until I got a summons to testify before the grand jury earlier this year.

Q: The university says that there is no record of your ever contacting the police and the vice-president denies you ever told him what Sandusky had done. What’s the deal?

A: I’m not surprised. All I can tell you is that I did tell them that I saw Sandusky giving that kid a fucking blow job. They’re just trying to cover their asses for not doing anything about it.

Q: I just heard that you’ve been barred from the Penn State campus. Is that right?

A: Yes, that’s right. And I’m sure they’re getting ready to fire me too. You know, it’s the shoot the messenger thing.

Q: OK, one more question. Have you been telling me the absolute truth?

A: Yes sir, I have, so help me God!

Q: So you’re not shitting us?

A: Honestly Mr. Schweinehund … it is Schweinehund, isn’t it? … I’m not shitting you!

Q: Well then, good luck to you and thanks for being so candid with us.

A: That’s OK. I just want to say one more thing. My life has been hell for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been threatened by those who believe I didn’t do anything, didn’t go to the cops. And others, I think they’re alumni, have threatened me because I told the grand jury what I saw … they claim that I am the one who has done irreparable harm to coach Paterno and to the university. Believe me, it’ll take more than just a couple of beers for me to get my peace of mind back.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


By John Nova Lomax / Houston Press Hair Balls / November 15, 2011

It looked at first like a routine call for the Montgomery County [North of Houston] Precinct 4 constable: an intoxicated male passed out inside a Whataburger in Porter. After all, passing out in and around Whataburgers is a proud Texas tradition.

But this case turned out at first to be a little something more, and then, before it was over, the kind of story the cop will be telling in barrooms for the rest of his life.

When the cop arrived at the Whataburger around two p.m., he found 30-year-old Howard Keith Windham at a table inside. The New Caney man was slapping around an unidentified zonked-out buddy in an attempt to rouse him from a pill-induced stupor while their friend, 44-year-old Tina Marie Arie of Porter, looked on.

When the cop started rifling through the unconscious man's pockets, he allegedly found dozens of Soma and hydrocodone pills. Meanwhile, Windham was seen dropping another Soma pill under the table and was soon found to have another one in his pocket. Under questioning, Arie admitted that she had given the still-slumbering man some of her stash, and the cop later found partially empty pill bottles in her car.

That was enough for the cop. Rip Van Whataburger was whisked away to an area hospital, and Windham was arrested for possession of a controlled substance and Arie for delivery of same. Both were cuffed and stuffed in the back of his patrol car.

But a funny thing happened on the way to jail....

Glancing in his rearview mirror, the cop noticed some unusual movements taking place in the back seat. Looking closer, he noticed that he could no longer see Arie, and inquired as to her whereabouts. After what we imagine had to be a little pause, and perhaps a gulp or two, she replied that she was tired and had laid her head down in Windham's lap.

The cop then pulled off to the side of the road, and discovered that the reason Arie's head was in Windham's lap had nothing to do with fatigue. Nope. As the Montgomery County Police report puts it, "Windham's pants were unfastened and Arie was servicing his exposed genitalia." Yep, that's what they call a "blue-light special." (And somehow, these two managed to find a way to drop his pants even though both had their hands cuffed.)

The cop told the lovebirds to behave and took them on to jail without filing any extra charges. Which is as it should be: That's the kind of break you might expect if you give a cop the story of a lifetime.

Monday, November 14, 2011


By Pamela Putz / The Schalotte / November 15, 2011

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and FBI Director Robert Mueller held a joint press conference Monday in which they asked the public to be on the lookout for any heavy infestation of cockroaches. Mueller revealed that the FBI had uncovered a diabolical plot by Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula to unleash their latest biological weapon of mass destruction on the Great Satan, an infestation of disease carrying cockroaches in the City of New York.

The attack was planned by Al Queda leader al-Awlaki shortly before he was killed in a U.S. drone attack on his convoy in Yemen. Director Mueller told reporters that, “We did not want to release this information at this time because our investigation is not complete and we did not want to tip off al-Awlaki’s operatives. But now that some money-grubbing attorney has let the cat out of the bag with a frivolous lawsuit, we were left with no choice but to make this information public.”

When I asked the Director how the roaches got on an Air Tran plane, Mueller replied that, “Our investigation indicates that those cockroaches were in a shipment placed on an Emirates Airlines flight in Dubai. When the flight arrived at JFK, the shipment was somehow transferred by mistake to the Air Tran flight where rough handling by baggage loaders caused the shipping crate to crack, thus allowing the cockroaches to escape in flight.

Secretary Napolitano urged Americans not to panic. “While we believe that further shipments are on the way to New York and possibly other cities, I want the American people to know that the Department of Homeland Security is on top of the situation and that the FBI is doing everything it can to intercept any additional shipments should they arrive. Unfortunately, with the release of this story, it will now be more difficult to catch the Al Queda operatives that are supposed to pick up the cockroaches when they arrive in the United States.”

Director Mueller added, “I am asking the public to call their local FBI office to report any heavy infestation of cockroaches.”

Here is the story that Napolitano and Mueller did not want released:


Associated Press
November 12, 2011

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — A North Carolina couple is suing Air Tran Airways, alleging they were sickened by cockroaches coming out of air vents and storage areas on a recent flight. They say flight attendants ignored their concerns.

WCNC-TV reports that Charlotte attorney Harry Marsh and his fiancée, Kaitlin Rush, saw the cockroaches soon after takeoff on a Sept. 15 flight from Charlotte to Houston with a stop-over in Atlanta. They say flight attendants were too busy to investigate the problem. Marsh said Rush became nauseous and now doesn’t want to fly.

They’re claiming mental and emotional distress and seeking more than $100,000, plus the price of their tickets.

Air Tran said it can’t comment on pending litigation, but it denies several allegations. The airline says cleanliness is important and that planes are regularly and professionally treated for bugs.


By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / November 13, 2011

Now that Governor Jerry ‘Moonbeam’ Brown has ordered a ‘realignment’ of California’s prison inmates from the state prisons to county jails, The Schalotte obtained permission from the warden of San Quentin prison to interview some of the inmates.

This reporter selected fie inmates at random and asked each one the following questions: (1) How do you feel about being transferred to a county jail? (2) What are you doing time for? (3) Are you guilty of committing that crime?

Tom ‘Snake’ McGuirk:

(1) County jail? Get off that fucking shit! I don’t want to go there. I’ve been there a lot of fucking times. You never know who your other three cellies are. The food is like crap. There ain’t no recreational facilities. Ain’t even got no pool tables. They stink like piss and shit. The bulls treat you like shit ‘cause they all want to be on the streets as patrol deputies.

(2) Burglary.

(3) Fuck no you shit! I got railroaded by my no fucking good lawyer. I was charged with 17 burglaries. He made me take a plea deal where they knocked it down to two. Then the judge turned around and threw the book at me. I think the fucking judge was paid off.

Andrew ‘College Boy’ Underwood:

(1) As long as it’s LA County jail, that’s fine with me. I hear they release you pretty quick because of the overcrowding thing. Just look at Paris Hilton and, oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan. Besides that, I don’t like the gorillas in here.

(2) Hot checks.

(3) Well yeah, sort of. I graduated from UCLA with a degree in English but I couldn’t get a job. I owed $43,000 in student loans. How else was I going to pay that back? So I wrote a couple hundred bum checks. I figured the most I would get was probation. Man, was I ever wrong.

Muhammud ‘Cockroach’ Jackson:

(1) It don’t make no difference to me motherfucker. Fucking prison, county jail, it’s all the fucking same to me.

(2) Dealing a couple rocks, you know, crack.

(3) The only fucking reason me and the other bros here be locked up is because of a fucking white racist system. Me and my homies get fucked over by the motherfucking man all the fucking time. They don’t be locking up any motherfucking white motherfuckers for dealing dope. Just us niggers and them motherfucking Mexican mothefuckers.

Jesus Margarito ‘El Cuervo’ Delgado:

(1) Man, if I gotta do time I want to do it here at Q. Doing time here is easier than doing time in them county lockups.

(2) Transporting marijuana.

(3) Man, I’m innocent. I got bum-wrapped. I was driving an 18-wheeler rig hauling what I thought was an empty trailer. The cops pulled me over for no reason. They opened the trailer and pulled out a bunch of bales. They say it was over two tons of pot. I don’t know how that shit got in there. The cops must have planted it!

Herman 'The German' Schicklgruber:

(1) I don’t want to go to no county jail. Here I can participate in our Aryan Brotherhood group. The AB ain’t organized at the county level like we are here at Q. There ain’t no way we can protect ourselves from the niggers when were locked up in a county jail.

(2) Manufacture of meth.

(3) Hell no, I didn’t do it. My house trailer blew up and the cops claimed I was using it as a meth lab. That’s a bunch of fucking shit. My propane tank must have exploded. That meth lab shit is bogus. One of the cops was a fucking Jew bastard. He must have framed me.

Three of the five definitely did not want to be transferred to a county jail and ‘College Boy’ was the only one that admitted guilt, ‘sort of.’

Thursday, November 10, 2011


By Pamela Putz / November 10, 2011

The Schalotte decided to interview some of the Occupy Wall Street protesters who claim to be among the 99% of Americans who are getting shafted by the 1% rich Americans. This reporter chose several protesters at random and asked them to explain why they were participating in the protests.

Betsy Willingham, NYU student: “I really don’t know, but my sociology professor told the class that we would get an extra 10 points on our semester grade just for being here. Who wouldn’t go for a deal like that?” When I asked her what she thought of the protests, Betsy replied, “They have so many different viewpoints out here that I don’t think these people really know what they want. But that’s cool with me because I’m getting 10 extra points and they serve some pretty good free meals out here.”

Jack Miller, recent Columbia University graduate: “I’m here because I graduated in June and I haven’t been able to find a job. I owe $37,000 in student loans. I feel like I wasted five years going to school. I’m barely able to get by while the Wall Street fat cats are getting richer and richer.” When I asked what he got his degree in, he replied, “Sociology.”

Kanesha Jackson, welfare recipient and single mom of seven children ages six months through 14 years: “I want them rich Jews to share their money with us poor folks. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton done told us them bloodsuckers be coming into the community to sell us inferior goods at jacked-up prices.” When I asked what her children’s father does for a living she said, “Father? You mean fathers, don’t you gal. Well, I dunno who them motherfuckers be.”

Mary Jane Overstreet, recent UC Irvine graduate: She said she came here from California because she could not find any work in her field of studies. “I graduated with highest honors but no one is willing to give me a job.” When I asked what her degree was in, she replied “Women’s Studies.”

Sylvester Jefferson, community organizer with Al Sharpton’s National Action Network: “I’m here to protest against the income inequality whereby corporate America is getting rich off of underpaid workers. Reverend Sharpton is especially concerned about the African-American community which continues to be at the bottom of the income ladder and at the top of the unemployment numbers. As you know, the Reverend Al has been out here to show his support for the Occupy Wall Street movement.”

Rachel Finkelstein and Rebecca Goldberg, sorority sisters from UC Berkeley: "We came out here all the way from California to show that we are one with the victims of Jew bankers.” When I asked, “But aren’t both of you Jewish?” Rebecca hesitated before saying “Yes” and Rachel said, “We hate to admit it because we’re ashamed of it.” (Our interview was interrupted when Rachel got a cell phone call. I heard her say, “Dad can you send me another $2,000 right away? Great, thanks.”) When I asked her what her father did, she replied, “He’s an executive at Goldman Sachs.” And Rebecca piped in, “And my dad is an executive with J.P. Morgan Chase.”

Dr. David Smith, professor of Economics and Marxist studies at City University of New York: "I’m here to protest against corporate America’s exploitation of the workers and the Capitalist’s oppression of the masses. It’s way past time that the rich share their wealth with the masses instead of getting richer while the rest of us are getting poorer. We have-nots have had it!” When I asked Professor Smith about his annual salary at CUNY, he replied, “I’m making $97,000 a year teaching four courses.” When I asked if that was for teaching a whole 12 months, he said, “No, that’s for two semesters.”

Mike Franklin, homeless person: Holding a half-empty bottle of Olde English 800 malt liquor and reeking of alcohol, Franklin said, “I’m here only ‘cause they’re handing out free chow three times a day.” When I asked him about the protests he answered, “I don’t have any idea what the hell this is all about, I just heard about the free chow. Listen lady, you gotta excuse me ‘cause I’ve gotta find a place to take a leak. I’m about to piss in my pants.”

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


By Ima Schmuck / November 9, 2011

In a recent issue, the journal INJURY PREVENTION published the results of research showing that among teenagers, heavy use of carbonated non-diet soft drinks was ‘significantly’ associated with carrying a gun or knife and violence towards peers, family and partners. The researchers, Sara Solnik of the University of Vermont and David Hemenway of the Harvard School of Public Health, analyzed data collected from 1,878 pupils ages 14 to 18 in grades nine through 12 enrolled in 22 public schools in 2008.

The Schalotte contacted Sarah Brady, founder of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of and spokesman for the National Rifle Association, and a teenage gang member of the notorious Crips to get their reaction to the findings of that study.

Sarah Brady said she was shocked to learn of the research findings. “Now that we know how dangerous sodas can be, the Brady Campaign will lobby Congress to enact a ban on teenage use of carbonated non-diet soft drinks. Come to think of it, I’ll bet that John Hinckley Jr. was a heavy consumer of sodas when he was a teenager. That would explain why he shot President Reagan and my husband.”

Wayne LaPierre was surprised by the findings and emphasized that the National Rifle Association does not condone gun violence. He went on to say, “But I want to make sure that Solnick and Hemenway are not part of a conspiracy to take away the Second Amendment rights of American citizens. The anti-gunners will stoop to anything in their efforts to take away our gun rights.”

This reporter went to South Central Los Angeles and found Isaiah ‘Peanut” Washington, 16, a member of the Crips. When I told him about the study, Peanut said, “Where the fuck did them motherfuckers come up with that fucking shit? Me and my fucking homies don’t do none of that fucking soda shit and neither do them motherfucking Bloods. We smoke fucking dope and drink fucking beer and fucking forties [40 oz. bottles of malt liquor]. None of that pussy soda fucking shit for us.”

Right in the middle of the interview some shots rang out and when Peanut pulled out a big semi-automatic pistol from his waistband, this reporter got the hell out of there.

Monday, November 7, 2011


By Pamela Putz / November 7, 2011

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On Sunday’s ABC This Week, a guest panel was discussing the problem Congress was having in bringing down the nation’s debt. Regular panelist George Will referred to the Department of Homeland Security as that “great blob.” In response to Will’s comment, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano held a joint news conference Monday together with FBI Director Robert Mueller, newly appointed Acting ATF director B. Todd Jones and DEA Administrator Michele Leonhart.

Napolitano began the conference by stating that she was personally affronted by the characterization of DHS as a great blob. She said it was well known that national columnist George Will has long been part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.

Napolitano reminded the reporters that DHS was formed to put an end to debilitating rivalries and lack of cooperation between the FBI, DEA, ATF, and other federal law enforcement agencies. The Homeland Security Secretary stated that she was proud of her agency’s accomplishments and pointed out that all the different law enforcement agencies were now getting along well together and cooperating with each other.

When this reporter suggested that Napolitano shoulder some of the blame for Operation Fast and Furious and the resulting death of an ICE agent and the deaths of more than 200 Mexicans, she bristled and shot back, “Now wait a minute there young lady! I had nothing to do with that rogue operation. That was strictly the ATF’s doing!”

At this point, an angry Todd Jones interrupted, “I beg your pardon Madam Secretary, but Operation Fast and Furious was coordinated with the FBI and the DEA. I do not think it serves law enforcement well to put all the blame on ATF. Madam, you wanted cooperation and you got it!”

Director Mueller jumped in, “Wait a minute, wait a minute! Don’t get us involved in your idiotic rogue operation. As far as I know, the FBI was unaware of ATF and DEA’s stupidity.”

Michele Leonhart interjected, “Hey you guys, just leave the DEA out of this. We had nothing to do with Operation Fast and Furious and didn’t even know about it. I’m sorry Robert, but it’s my understanding that the FBI was definitely in on it.”

“Now look here little lady,” Mueller started to say. But before he could go any further, Leonhart got in his face and told him, “Don’t you little lady me mister!”

At this point, the proceeding deteriorated into a shouting match between Napolitano, Mueller, Jones and Leonhart. Attorney General Eric Holder entered the room and announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, this news conference is over.”


The Unconventional Gazette is published by BarkGrowlBite as an alternative to the ‘Mainstream Media’ which refuses to print news not to its liking. The publisher has assembled what he believes is a top notch staff to serve our readers.

EDITOR: Ima Schmuck. As a zonked-out New York high school graduate during the counter culture days of the Vietnam War, Ima hitchhiked to San Francisco where she joined thousands of her fellow hippies. After getting beat up by the Hells Angels, Ima left Haight-Ashbury and returned to live with her wealthy parents in New York. After several stints in drug rehab, Ima enrolled in Yeshiva University where she earned a degree in journalism. Before joining The Unconventional Gazette, Ima was an assistant editor at the Daily News.

CHIEF INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER: Adolf der Schweinehund. A descendent of Prussia's legendary Schweinehund family, Adolf attended Sam Houston State University where he obtained a B.S. Degree in criminal justice. After 13 years as a Houston police officer, he became a hard-hitting investigative reporter with the now defunct Houston Post. Adolf joined the staff of The Unconventional Gazette after years as a private investigator and free-lance journalist.

INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER: Pamela Putz. Pam brings a unique experience to The Unconventional Gazette. Her parents worked in New York’s garment district and were killed when both were run over by a city bus while pushing a rack full of dresses across 8th Avenue. Pam was only 15 at the time and spent the next two years in the Beth Israel orphanage. Determined to obtain a college degree, Pam worked her way through Columbia University’s school of journalism as a prostitute and nude pole dancer. Her street smarts have made Pam a model investigative reporter.

Sunday, November 6, 2011


by Ima Schmuck / November 3, 2011

The Vietnamese Restaurant Association of Greater Houston (VRAGH) has sued the Houston City Health Department because the health inspectors have repeatedly cited its members for having weevils in stored rice and roaches all over the food preparation areas.

Nguyễn Trấng Dũong, the association’s attorney, filed suit in federal court, charging that the repeated citations constituted discrimination and racism. The suit states that weevils and roaches are considered fresh meat because they are traditional Vietnamese foods.

Võ Nguyên Phùng, owner of the Poo Dung Poo restaurant told this reporter that he had been cited 37 times in the last two months by city health inspectors. Phung said that none of his Vietnamese customers have ever complained about roaches or weevils in their food because they eat them at home all the time.

“I don’t know what they expect me to do,” Phong said. “Without roaches and weevils I would not be able to stay in business.”

Trang said that VRAGH has tried to be sensitive to American pet lovers by urging its members not to offer dogs, another traditional Vietnamese food, on their menus.

Mayor Annise Parker told The Schalotte that she has instructed the City Attorney to fight the suit because she does not believe it has any merit. “But,” she said, “As a gay person who knows discrimination firsthand, I want to make sure that our health inspectors are not motivated by racism.” Parker said she would appoint a City Council committee to look into the charges.

Meanwhile, the U.S. Attorney’s office in Houston announced that Attorney General Eric Holder had ordered the Justice Department’s civil rights section to conduct a thorough investigation of the discrimination and racism charges.

UPDATE 11-4-2011, 9:20 am: Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, Republican candidate for president, came to the defense of Vietnamese restaurant owners when he learned that in California it is now specifically illegal to eat cats and dogs and other animals kept as domestic pets. The ban was enacted because of the belief that Vietnamese were getting pound animals for food. Paul released the following statement:

“As a Libertarian, it is my firm belief that if the Vietnamese want to, it is their right as American citizens to eat cats, dogs, mice, roaches, weevils or, for that matter, even maggots. The government has no business telling Americans what they can and cannot eat.”


by Adolf der Schweinehund / October 27, 2011

ZANESVILLE, Ohio – During a joint news conference in Zanesville, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller and Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz tried to assure the public that the October 18 release of 48 wild animals was not a terrorist act and that Terry Thompson, owner of the animals, had no connection to any terrorist network.

Thompson released 48 dangerous animals from his wild-animal preserve, including lions, tigers, bears and wolves, before taking his own life. After an all-night hunt by Lutz’s deputies, most of the animals had been found and killed.

The possibility that Thompson was a terrorist came about after several of his neighbors called the FBI to report that on numerous occasions they had heard Thompson shout ‘Allah Akbar’ and ‘Sharia.’

Napolitano told reporters that the Department of Homeland Security takes all such reports seriously. She directed Mueller to conduct an intensive investigation into Thompson’s possible terrorist connections and to spare no resources in the effort.

Mueller told the reporters that a weeklong investigation by a special terrorism task force of 30 FBI agents had uncovered that what the neighbors heard was Thompson yelling at two tigers named ‘Allah’ and ‘Akbar,’ and at a lion named ‘Sharia.’

When asked how much the weeklong FBI investigation cost, Mueller replied, “$270,000.” When reporters suggested that $270,000 was an exorbitant amount just to discover that Thompson had been calling out to his animals, Napolitano bristled, “We can’t defend ourselves against terrorism on the cheap.”

Sheriff Lutz advised the public not to give their pets and children any names that could possibly be associated with terrorism. Lutz stated that Thompson naming a couple of his tigers ‘Allah’ and ‘Akbar’ and a lion ‘Sharia’ was a really bad idea.

Napolitano said Lutz was right and that she would have Homeland Security publish a booklet with a list of names that parents of newborns and pet owners should avoid. She said the booklet will be published in both English and Spanish and would be distributed to the public free of charge.


by Adolf der Schweinehund / October 11, 2011

Monday’s Daily Mail reported that “a plague of black widow spiders in Oklahoma has resulted in almost double the number of bites reported this year than last” and that the Oklahoma Poison Control Center “has warned Oklahomans to be on the lookout for the eight-legged creatures, whose bites are invariably painful - and can prove deadly.” According to the Daily Mail, advised that “the outbreak of the venomous spiders seems to be concentrated around the Tulsa Metropolitan Area.”

When reporters confronted Janet Napolitano about the Daily Mail report, the Homeland Security Secretary announced that “Until proven otherwise, the United States government is treating this spider outbreak as a possible terrorist attack. We have been expecting some sort of attack in retaliation for our drone strike that killed al Qaeda leader Anwar al-Awlaki in Yemen on September 30,” said the Secretary.

Napolitano assured the reporters and the American public that the FBI, the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation, the Tulsa Police Department and the Tulsa County Sheriff’s Office are combining their efforts to investigate if the black widow plague has been perpetrated by Islamic terrorists.

Napolitano promised that the full weight of the United States government would be brought down on those responsible if the multi-agency investigation showed the spider attacks to be the result of a terrorist plot. The Homeland Security Secretary also told reporters that the U.S. military would be used it that became necessary to wipe out the black widows.

In the meantime, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller, III urged all Americans to be vigilant and to report any sightings of black widows to their local FBI office. Upon hearing that, Al Sharpton accused Director Mueller of racism for singling out blacks and demanded that white widows also be reported to the FBI.


by Adolf der Schweinehund / August 20, 2011

Following a massive flea attack Tuesday on Connecticut firefighters, Reginald Farnsworth, foreign correspondent for London’s Daily Bugle, cornered Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano to inquire about the Waterbury flea infestation.

Napolitano admitted that Ahmed Muhammad Mustafa al Ibaba is believed to have stored this latest biological weapon of mass destruction in an abandoned Waterbury house. The fleas weapon is believed to be much more virulent than last year’s bed bugs weapons that struck New York, Philadelphia, Detroit and Denver. The Pakistani native and suspected al Qaeda operative is being sought by the FBI. When asked if al Ibaba had been planning to unleash the fleas in New York, the head of Homeland Security would only say, "No comment."

While conducting a routine safety inspection of an abandoned house, a team of Waterbury firefighters emerged from the building only to discover they were covered from head to toe by thousands of fleas. “Itching like mad,” four firefighters rushed themselves to the nearest hospital.

To keep from bringing the pests into the hospital, they were made to strip naked in a back parking lot. Once inside, doctors examined them, finding they were absolutely covered in bites. They were scrubbed down and tested for a number of potential illnesses including bubonic plague. Fire Chief David Martin said all of the team members had been released from the hospital and are back at work.

The fire truck had to be taken out of service so it could be fumigated, and the firefighter's clothing was washed at ultra-high temperatures to kill off any remaining fleas.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg and police commissioner Raymond Kelly said they were much relived that this biological weapon of mass destruction had been discovered before al Ibaba was able to unleash it in New York City. Bloomberg said that the city was still suffering from a decline in tourism because of last year’s massive bed bugs infestation attack.


PESHAR, PAKISTAN (Al Jaquzzah News Service / September 26, 2010) – After an extensive undercover investigation that took our reporters from Saudi Arabia to Afghanistan and finally to Pakistan, we have confirmed that Saudi scientists working in Pakistan under the direction of Al Qaeda have developed several biological weapons of mass destruction designed to unleash pests that will make life miserable for a targeted population. Their work is being funded by members of the Saudi royal family.

Al Jaquzzah has also confirmed that three of these weapons have already been unleashed against the Great Satan. In 2009, Ahmed Muhammad Mustafa al Ibaba, one of Osama bin Laden’s American born operatives, succeeded in setting off Bed Bug bombs in New York, Philadelphia, Detroit and other major cities in the United States. [TERRORIST ARRESTED FOR UNLEASHING WEPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION AGAINST THE GREAT SATAN, / 9-1-10]

This year, another one of bin Laden’s operatives set of a Flea Bomb in Texas. [See BarkGrowlBite: IN EAST TEXAS, IT’S NOT BEDBUGS, 9-7-10] The Saudi scientists developed that bomb using a Pakistani species of fleas known for their ferocious appetite and their ability to spread quickly throughout the population, both human and animal.

The Saudi scientists also succeeded in developing a biological weapon of mass destruction containing the brown marmorated stink bug, scientific name Halyomorpha halys. This particular species of stink bugs are a huge pest problem. They cause damage to fruits and plants through their feeding, invade buildings for shelter during winter, and are notorious for the foul odor they release as a defense mechanism.

Al Jaquzzah has learned that last winter a third bin Laden operative set off a bomb containing these stink bugs in Portsmouth, N.H. that quickly infiltrated houses and buildings throughout New England. Thousands of Americans have been sickened by the foul odor emitted by these pests and damage to agricultural products has been extensive.

Al Ibaba, the Bedbug Bomber, was caught by the FBI last month and remains in custody pending his trial on terrorism charges. The identities of the Flea Bomber and the Stinkbug Bomber are unknown and they remain at large.


by Ima Schmuck / September 21, 2010

CLINTON, ARKANSAS – Sheriff Buford ‘Butch’ Jones announced the arrest last night of Rabbi Moshe Finkel and Samuel Goldstein on felony Child Abuse and Child Endangerment charges. Rabbi Finkel also faces a charge of Assault With A Deadly Weapon.

Sheriff Jones said his department received a call from Billy Bob McNutt who reported that a group of bearded men wearing long black coats and fur-brimmed black hats were over at his neighbor’s house performing some sort of satanic ritual. He believed they were making a human sacrifice because he could hear the blood-curdling screams of a baby coming from Goldstein’s house.

Deputies Matt Williams and Joe Luck arrived within two minutes of McNutt’s call. When they heard the baby’s screams, they kicked in the front door and found Goldstein holding an infant and Rabbi Finkel standing over the baby holding a bloody knife. According to the deputies, a group of men all clad in black surrounded the Rabbi and Goldstein while uttering what Williams and Luck believed to be some sort of satanic chants.

Butch Jones and two more of his deputies, two Clinton police officers and two Arkansas state troopers responded to a call for backup by deputies Williams and Luck who feared they had come across a dangerous cult.

Rabbi Finkel and Goldstein were arrested and the infant was rushed to Ozark Baptist Hospital by medical helicopter. After treatment for cuts to his penis, the six-day-old boy was turned over to a Child Protective Services case worker.

Butch Jones said that as soon as he got to the scene he realized the work of the devil was at hand. ‘As your sheriff, I know that the good Christian folk around these here parts do not wear hats inside someone else’s home.’

Rabbi Finkel told the Gazette that when he tried to explain that he and Goldstein were merely conducting a Brit milah [circumcision] as prescribed by Jewish law, Sheriff Jones told him ‘Hey buddy, I don’t care about no Brit-watchacallit cuz we ain’t in New York. Hereabouts we’re in a Christian county where Jewish law don’t count for nothing.’ When he told Jones that he was holding the bloody knife because he was the Mohel [circumciser], the sheriff told him ‘We got way too many of them critters around these parts already and we sure don’t need no two-legged moles.’

Sarah Goldstein, the infants mother, informed the Gazette that Sheriff Jones took her aside and said, ‘Lookee here little lady, if I was you I would hire me a lawyer and git a divorce from that sorry child molesting husband of yours.’

After spending some seven hours in jail, Rabbi Finkel and Goldstein were released on $100,000 bail each.

Later in the day, as he stood with two FBI agents by his side, a red-faced District Attorney made a terse announcement that all charges against Rabbi Finkel and Samuel Goldstein were being dropped. He refused to take any questions.

However, Child Protective Services spokeswoman Crystal Pure announced that the infant would not be returned to the Goldsteins until a thorough child abuse investigation by her agency showed that the baby’s return would not place him in harm’s way.


by Ima Schmuck / October 2, 2010

On September 29, the Denver Post reported that Denver firefighters ran into more than the normal hazards at a house fire where they also had to battle bedbugs, the bloodsucking insects quickly becoming the scourge of households and businesses across the country. The bugs scurried away from the flames and latched on to firefighters' equipment and gear. Some of the gear had to bagged so the bugs wouldn't get a free ride to the firehouse. The firefighters were attacked after they entered the attic and they had to be decontaminated There were no injuries, but the home was declared uninhabitable.

This reporter cornered Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano to inquire about the Denver bed bug infestation. Napolitano admitted that Ahmed Muhammad Mustafa al Ibaba, the Bedbug Bomber [TERRORIST ARRESTED FOR UNLEASHING WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION AGAINST THE GREAT SATAN / 9-1-10], had been in Denver several weeks before his arrest by the FBI. When asked whether Ibaba had visited any cities in addition to New York, Philadelphia, Detroit and Denver, the head of Homeland Security would only say, “No comment.”


by Adolf der Schweinehund / September 1, 2010

In a joint news conference with FBI Director Robert Mueller, Attorney General Eric Holder announced the arrest of Ahmed Muhammad Mustafa al Ibaba of Chicago for a terrorist attack against the United States. After a 14-month FBI investigation, al Ibaba stands charged with unleashing biological weapons of mass destruction, to wit: bedbug bombs.

al Ibaba, 43, who was born Willie Washington Smith, was a long-time member of the Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s church before he converted to Islam three years ago. 16 months ago he returned to the U.S. after spending a year in Pakistan where he admittedly joined up with Al-Qaeda.

FBI agents searched al Ibaba’ home and were seen removing several boxes of evidence. Director Mueller announced that al Ibaba’s laptop computer contained personal instructions from Osama bin Laden to unleash a ‘bedbug infestation against the Great Satan.’ Mueller noted that the ‘Bedbug Bomber’ began his terrorist attack in New York shortly after his return from Pakistan. al Ibaba then went on to set off more bedbug bombs in Philadelphia, Detroit and other major cities across the country.

Holder and Mueller expressed considerable concern that the infestation of bedbugs will be spread across the country by unsuspecting travelers. They went on to assure the public that the full weight and force of the U.S. government will be brought to bear down on the bedbugs. Holder and Mueller also promised that Osama bin Laden and Al-Qaeda would pay dearly for unleashing these biological weapons of mass destruction on our cities.

When asked why Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano was not present for the news conference and how DHS failed to detect the bedbug bombs when al Ibaba reentered the country, both replied "No comment." And when asked if there might be other Al-Qaeda bedbug bombers out there, Holder and Mueller would only say that the investigation was ongoing.

When arrested, Ahmed Muhammad Mustafa al Ibaba shouted ‘Allah Akbar, death to the Great Satan’ over and over again until FBI agent Abe Goldberg informed him of his right to remain silent and smacked him upside the head with a piece of two-by-four. Goldberg was then heard to utter, ‘FBI Akbar!’


by Adolf der Schweinehund / July 14, 2006

The Department of Homeland Security has released a database which lists more than 77,000 potential terrorist targets in the United States, including ice cream parlors, popcorn factories, children's petting zoos, and flea markets. Indiana is listed as the state with the most terrorist targets - 8,591 - as compared to New York with 5,687 and California with 3,212. Have the bureaucrats at Homeland Security lost their minds? Or, are these PARASITES ON THE PUBLIC PAYROLL merely trying to justify their jobs by coming up with this ridiculous list? Ice Cream parlors? Indiana with the most targets? Incredible! Come on - they've got to be kiddidng. If these people really believe that every gathering place for a handful of people is a target for international terrorism, they have got to be paranoid.

Most terrorism analysts agree that the primary objectives of internatioal terrorists are to disrupt the financial community of the United States in order to cripple, if not destroy our economy, and to disrupt the ability of our government to function. That is why the World Trade Center was attacked, not once, but twice. The 9/11 attack on the WTC was an attack on the financial center of the United States and, in addition to killing 3,000 innocent peoiple, it did cause great harm to our economy. The recent uncovered plot to destroy the tunnels between New York and New Jersey was clearly designed as another attack on this country's financial center and, had it been carried out, would have created further economic havoc throughout the United States. The 9/11 attack on the Pentagon and the failed attack on Congress or the White House were clearly designed to disrupt the governance of our country. And recently, seventeen Muslim terrorists in Canada were arrested while planning to disrupt its government by blowing up Parliament and by beheading the Prime Minister.

The recent bombing of trains in Bombay was also designed to disrupt India's economy and, because that city is one of India's financial centers, it succeeded in its objective. The bombing of trains in Madrid and London had the same objective and succeeded in disrupting the economies of Spain and Britain. While civilian casualties may terrorize and demoralize people, a secondary objective of the bombings, they are seen only as collateral damage in the effort to destabalize the economy and government of the target nation. The bombing of ice cream parlors, popcorn factories, petting zoos, and flea markets will in no way achieve the objectives of internatioal terrorism. I'll probably catch a lot of flack for saying this, but if terrorists blew up the whole state of Indiana, it would not cause nearly as much harm to our econmy as did the 9/11 attacks on the WTC.

The Department of Homeland Security was formed to correct the pre-9/11 lack of cooperation between competing agencies by placing the CIA, the FBI and all other federal law enforcement agencies, the Coast Guard, and FEMA under one umbrella. It is just another feel-good government agency with a huge bureaucracy. It buried FEMA within its bowels to the extend that FEMA was ineffective in dealing with Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita. While FEMA's former director, Michael Brown, was scapegoated for the Katrina debacle, the fault was really that of the Homeland Security administration.

The database of more than 77,000 targets was the determining factor in allocating the hundreds-of-millions of dollars in anti-terrorism funds to the states and cities of our country. Thus, Indiana received a disproportionate amount of funding, as did several cities in the Midwest, while New York and the District of Columbia lost 40 percent of their funding, and funds for other primary target sites were also reduced. One target was listed as an unamed "Beach at End of a Street." Wow ! Those bureaucrats have really earned their money. Some Arkansas hillbilly's outhouse seems to be the only target left off their list. If they actually believe that those listed are all potential targets, including that beach at the end of the street, then they have truly taken leave of their senses and we ought to rename that part of the President's Cabinet, the DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND PARANOIA.