Saturday, May 31, 2014


Senators Schumer and Feinstein demand strict hammer controls after killing spree left four dead from blows with a hammer

By Pamela Putz

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of an Illinois killing spree that left four dead with blows from a hammer, Senators Chuck Schumer, D-NY, and Diane Feinstein, D-Calif., demanded the immediate enactment of legislation to place restrictions on the sale and possession of hammers.

The two senators reacted to the conviction of a 34-year-old man for beating four people to death with a hammer in a northwest Illinois apartment in 2008.

According to the Associated Press, jurors decided Thursday that Nicholas Sheley is guilty of murder in the deaths of 29-year-old Brock Branson; 20-year-old Kilynna Blake; her son, 2-year-old Dayan; and 25-year-old Kenneth Ulve in Rock Falls in June 2008.

The killings were part of a series of crimes that authorities say Sheley committed in the summer of 2008. He is already serving life sentences for killing two Illinois men that June. He is due to be tried next in Missouri for the deaths of an Arkansas couple.

Sen. Schumer released the following statement:

Our nation can no longer afford to make hammers so easily available to Americans. Sen. Feinstein and I are introducing ‘The Hammer Control Act’ which will require all hardware stores and other retailers selling hammers to run background checks on all persons wanting to purchase this dangerous tool. Sales would be prohibited to persons under the age of 21, persons that have been convicted of felonies or of misdemeanors involving violence, and persons with a history of mental problems.

Sen. Feinstein added:

‘The Hammer Control Act’ will require Hammer Free school zones. That section of our bill is designed to prevent some maniac from entering a school building and smashing the skulls of our precious school children. Any student caught with a hammer inside a school, on the school grounds, and on any area adjacent to a school shall be arrested forthwith, suspended, and assigned to an alternative school following the suspension. It is imperative for us to take steps to make sure that we do not have a Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre with a hammer instead of a gun.

Never far behind, Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee, D-Texas, contacted Nancy Barnes, editor of the Houston Chronicle, and requested she publish the following statement:

I am 100 percent in support of the Hammer Control Act and will introduce the companion bill in the House. However, I will add one extremely important provision. “Any hammer capable of delivering multiple strikes and painted black is designated an assault hammer, the possession of which is restricted to licensed local and state law enforcement officers, federal law enforcement agents, and members of the Armed Forces of the United States.” There is absolutely no reason why civilians need to have a hammer that can deliver multiple strikes.

A Pew Poll of members of Congress showed most Democrats favoring the Schumer-Feinstein bill with most Republicans opposed.

Barney 'Buck' Blunt, executive director of the American Hammer Hobbyists Association (AHHA), immediately slammed the proposed legislation:

This is just one more example of government overreach. This is nothing more than an attempt by a pack of liberals to take away the rights of Americans to protect themselves with a hammer or who simply want to enjoy the pleasure they get from hammer pounding. Our members will do everything we can to defeat any member of Congress who supports the Schumer-Feinstein bill.

NY Governor Andrew Cuomo, Connecticut Governor Dannel Malloy and Illinois Governor Pat Quinn, all Democrats, promised to send similar hammer control bills to their respective state legislatures.


You’re about to find why they call prison the pokey

Here are the lyrics to Prison Bitch by Rodney Carrington:

they say our love is taboo
that what were doing is wrong
but i dont care what they say cause my love is so strong
they tell us we should be ashamed
were not husband and wife
but i cherish each moment with you
im so glad your in my life

your my prison bitch
my prison bitch your not like other men
i’m glad we share a prison cell when lights go out at ten
i cant escape the way i feel now that well be a crime
as long as i am doing you i dont mind doing time
cause your my
prison bitch
my prison bitch
and i have no regrets, i got you for a candy bar and a pack of cigarettes
at first you were resistant but now you are my friend
i knew that i would get you in the end

prison bitch
prison bitch
i guess that you were sent from up-above
prison bitch
prison bitch
and now you are my prisoner of love

(verse 2:prison bitch)
im your prison bitch
your prison bitch
and your a sex machine
i only had but one request
how bout some vasaline(shut up!!!)
im tired of this prison cell
i need to get away, they sentence me to seven years
not seven times a day
im your prison bitch
your prison bitch
you nympho-maniac(come here!)
i really hate these knockers that you tattoo’d on my back
i fought that i could break away
but now im loosing hope
and god im tired of picking up the soap

bend over prison bitch!!(oo ooh oo)
prison bitch!(doo ooh oo)
turn out the lights cause i can hardly wait
prison bitch!(doo ooh oo)
prison bitch!(doo ooh oo)
when i get out im ready to go straight!

(verse 3:)
your my prison bitch
my prison bitch
I’ll never say goodbye
your not like all the others
to bad they had to die…

prison bitch:
on second thought i think ill stay if you want me to-ooo
your prison bitch is never leaving you!

at first you were my cell mate but now your my soul mate
come here come here baby!!come here!
(bitch:)o no not again (rrr)
now i know why they call you a “HARDENED” criminal
hang on you’re about to find why they call this the pokey!!!



Good police work catches culprit who stole flags from 31 veterans’ graves

BarkGrowlBite | May 31, 2014

Placing small flags on the graves of military veterans around Memorial Day is a longtime tradition in this country. That holds just as true for small sections set aside for veterans at local cemeteries as it does for the more than 300,000 graves at Arlington National Cemetery. And every year vandals and thieves either pull up the flags or steal them outright. The culprits, if caught, are usually smartass teenagers.

Several days ago, the parents of a veteran buried in the veterans’ section of the Cold Springs Cemetery in Lockport, NY called news reporters to complain that flags were being damaged in that burial place. Niagara County Sheriff James Voutour sent a deputy to investigate. He learned from the cemetery groundskeeper that 31 flags were missing from the graves of veterans.

The deputy staked out the cemetery and succeeded in catching the low-down flag thief in the act. Did the culprit turn out to be a teenager? Nope. The thief turned out to be a groundhog. The deputy watched in amazement as the little rascal broke the flags with his front paws and scurried off with the poles into his den.

Of course, this is not the first time that groundhogs, also known as woodchucks, have been caught stealing cemetery flags. For the past two years around July 4, flags that were placed on the graves of veterans at the Cedar Park Cemetery in Hudson, NY have been disappearing. Last year the missing flags had been set on the graves of Jewish soldiers and this year they were on the graves of black soldiers. Surveillance cameras set up by the cops revealed that the culprits were groundhogs.

At least the groundhog in Lockport was no bigot. Last year the groundhogs in Hudson were anti-Semitic and this year they were racists. I wonder if the flag thefts in Hudson will be classified as hate crimes.

Monday, May 26, 2014


Taco Bell’s new employee safety handbook details numerous preventative measures employees should follow to avoid compromising their health, such as limiting their kitchen shifts to three hours, and it urges workers to take their breaks outdoors in fresh air at least 100 feet away from any Doritos Locos Taco

The Onion | May 23, 2014

IRVINE, CA—In a new handbook distributed Friday to employees at all 6,500 of its locations worldwide, fast food chain Taco Bell has issued an updated set of safety protocols that warns workers against directly exposing their skin to any of its food products.

The company’s revised food-handling directives, which apply to every item on the restaurant’s Tex-Mex–inspired menu, require employees to notify their shift manager immediately if Taco Bell ingredients make even brief surface contact with any part of their body, with the exception of instances when items come in contact with the eyes, in which case all workers are instructed to use the nearest emergency eye wash fountain “without delay.”

“We want our team members to protect themselves from the dangerous complications that result when the skin of one’s hands or face is directly exposed to either a regular menu item or a featured promotional specialty during the food preparation process,” read an excerpt from the 436-page manual, noting that an employee’s first line of defense is to wear chemically impermeable butyl gloves when dispensing the restaurant’s meats, salsa, or three-cheese blends. “The easiest way to ensure safety on the job is to wear an approved Taco Bell long-sleeve work coat and disposable latex shoe covers at all times while in the restaurant’s kitchen, and above all, be mindful when preparing a menu item so that no food or condiment ever touches exposed flesh.”

“However, in the event of epidermal contact with any of our meat fillings, you must immerse the affected area under running water at once and then apply the neutralizing chemical agent found in the wall-mounted dispensers located every five feet above the food preparation counters,” the manual continues.

The new instructional materials detail numerous preventative measures employees should follow to avoid compromising their health, such as limiting their kitchen shifts to three hours in order to prevent prolonged exposure to dollar-menu items or a maximum of 25 minutes if the kitchen’s fume hoods are not functioning. In addition, the handbook urges workers to take their breaks outdoors in fresh air at least 100 feet away from any Doritos Locos Taco.

The guidelines further direct kitchen workers to seal any broken taco shells in specially marked plastic bags and discard the bags in one of the red puncture-resistant waste disposal containers located throughout the kitchen. Employees are also instructed to wear their company-issued safety goggles before entering the burrito assembly area, know the location of the restaurant’s emergency potassium iodide tablets, and submit themselves to periodic testing with a qualified toxicologist.

It is also recommended that any clothing soiled with Zesty Pepper Jack Sauce be disposed of as soon as possible in the industrial furnaces provided at each franchise location for this purpose.

“Under no circumstances should employees remove their lead aprons when in the vicinity of any of our nacho-based menu options,” the manual states. “Furthermore, Taco Bell crew members—especially those who are pregnant or might become pregnant—must always wear aluminized protective coveralls and a military-grade respirator mask in the presence of our refried beans.”

“It is absolutely imperative that the Cheesy Gordita Crunch be assembled behind a pane of protective glass until the moment it is served to customers,” the manual adds. “There can be NO EXCEPTIONS to this rule.”

The instructional booklet goes on to state that if a worker accidentally touches any one of the seven layers in a seven-layer burrito, he or she must quickly take a disinfecting chemical shower, “even if contact occurs during the lunch rush.”

A foreword to the manual written by company CEO Greg Creed assures Taco Bell workers that, as long as they follow the officially delineated standard protocol for food preparation and all internationally accepted guidelines from the National Association of Corrosion Control Engineers, they need not worry about contamination on the job. Creed admitted, however, that accidents have occurred at chain locations from time to time.

“Each Taco Bell location is equipped with sophisticated sensors able to identify and seal off any zone in which airborne concentrations of Border Sauce reach unsafe levels above 12 parts per million,” said Creed, explaining that the system would also react to any guacamole or sour cream spills. “Should the alarm be triggered, decontamination locks will isolate the clean chamber along with all those inside until an appointed Yum! Brands hazmat team arrives from corporate headquarters and is able to ascertain if the scene is salvageable.”

“Of course, our company strives to avoid these sorts of quarantine scenarios whenever possible,” Creed added.

Pressed for comment, Taco Bell representatives noted that during the month of June, customers could upgrade any of their purchases with a delicious, thirst-quenching Mountain Dew Typhoon Freeze for only $1.99.

Saturday, May 24, 2014


Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

The 59-year-old woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers and I voted for Obama.”

Friday, May 23, 2014


19-year old Jacob Lavoro is in tears because he faces up to life in prison for baking a big batch of pot brownies

Craig Malisow is correct when he indicates that Jake is in for a heap of more troubles if he’s still crying when he arrives at the joint. Think of a red ass for starters.

By Craig Malisow | Houston Press Hair Balls | May 23, 2014

Jacob Lavoro, 19, must really hate his neighbor at the Colonial Village Apartments in Round Rock: when she smelled smoke in her apartment bathroom, apparently wafting over from Lavoro's pad, she called the cops, who say they found hash oil, a batch of pot brownies and cookies, and a client list in Lavoro's apartment.

As our cover story this week mentions, political attitudes toward weed may be changing in Texas, but not swift enough for Lavoro, who faces steeper punishment because of the hash oil: He's been charged with felony possession with intent to deliver, and faces between 5-99 years, or life, in prison.

We agree with every sane individual who points out that 99 years for 1.5 lbs. of herb is just a tad excessive. Now, if you want to give him 99 years for just being an all-around dumbass, we're at least open to hearing that argument.

"It's really frightening, it really is," a crying Lavoro told KVUE. "It's putting me in a really scary situation and honestly, I can't stop crying about it." (The incessant waterworks are no doubt bound to go over well in prison).

Lavoro's lawyer says police arrived at the 1.5 lb. figure by measuring the total weight of the brownies, and not just the drugs. But Round Rock Police Commander Alain Babin said that "When you mix items with a drug and it doesn't change its chemical compound, then you weigh the total amount of all the adulterants and diluent."

That argument will have to be hashed (HEY-OH!) out in court; the next hearing is set for June.

Thursday, May 22, 2014


Mother Superior and two nuns were attending a Yankees baseball game. Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area of the ballpark.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there.”

Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, “I want to move to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there.”

Finally the third guy yelled, “I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there.”

The Mother Superior turned around, looked sternly at the men, and in a very calm but firm voice said, “Why don’t you three go to Hell. There aren’t any nuns there.”

Wednesday, May 21, 2014



A second grade teacher had her class identify the flavor of LifeSavers by their color:

Red ------- Cherry
Yellow ---- Lemon
Green ---- Lime
Orange -- Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all Honey LifeSavers. None of the children could identify the taste. So the teacher said, “I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

Suddenly one little girl looked up in horror, spit out her LifeSaver, and shouted “Oh my God, they’re fucking assholes!”


“When I was a boy,” said the 89-year-old nursing home resident, “my momma would send me down to a corner store with one dollar and I’d come back with five potatoes, two loaves of bread, three bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and a half-dozen eggs.”

“You can’t do that nowadays,” he continued. “Too many fuckin’ security cameras.”


A third grade teacher took her class on a field trip to a farm. The next day back in school she asked, “OK children, what sounds did we hear on our trip to the farm yesterday?”

Little Becky answered, “Moooo!”

Jake said, “Baaaa!”

Little Sally said, “Quack Quack!”

Johnnie said, “Get off that fuckin’ tractor!!”

Tuesday, May 20, 2014


A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging' her boyfriend.'

For a moment the minister stood there with his mouth wide open and eyes bulging, and then he passed out.

Monday, May 19, 2014


Two elderly men, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 75-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with women."

So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to eat the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."

$2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (2 UNDECILLION) LAWSUIT FILED OVER DOG BITE

A New York man, who is seeking more money than there is on earth, may be a nutcase, but he knows his math in that 2 undecillion is a 2 followed by 36 zeros

Apparently Anton Purisima is not only a nut case, but he is a serial suer as well, having filed at least 20 lawsuits since 2004, including suits against the People's Republic of China and major banks including Wells Fargo and JP Morgan.

…..And then some

By Derek Andersen

USA Today
May 19, 2014

Anton Purisima is a man who knows how to think big. The New Yorker has filed a 22-page handwritten suit in a Manhattan court for two undecillion dollars. The sum, written as two followed by thirty-six zeros, is likely a new record for a demand in a lawsuit, the New York Post says.

It's also more money than even exists in the world by a long shot, Gothamist notes, but at least there are more than a thousand defendants to bear the brunt. They include the New York City Transit Authority, the entire city of NYC, Au Bon Pain Store, LaGuardia Airport, a Kmart store, a dog owner, several health care providers, and 1,000 John Does.

At the center of Purisimia’s dissatisfaction seems to be a dog bite sustained on a city bus, a "Chinese couple" photographing him while he was being treated for it, and being overcharged for coffee at the airport. He characterizes these incidents as "civil rights violations, personal injury, discrimination on national origin, retaliation, harassment, fraud, attempted murder, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and conspiracy to defraud," according to Lowering the Bar, which notes Purisima is seeking punitive damages, too.

This appears to be at least his 20th suit since 2004, according to Purisima has sued casinos, banks, and the People’s Republic of China, among others.

Saturday, May 17, 2014


puff, puff ... Dammit ... puff, puff ... This time I almost got them eggs ... puff, puff

Thursday, May 15, 2014


“I’m seriously considering another run for the presidency,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry, “because the country needs a strong conservative leader with my longstanding executive experience.” Perry also said that “Texas is an equal opportunity death penalty state”

By Ima Schmuck

AUSTIN -- Texas Governor Rick Perry was gracious enough to grant the editor of The Unconventional Gazette an exclusive interview.

Schmuck: Gov. Perry, thank you for taking the time out from your busy schedule to grant us this interview.

Perry: Think nothing of it Ms. Schmuck, it’s my pleasure.

S: Governor, will you be a candidate for the presidency in 2016?

P: Right now I can only say that I’m seriously considering another run for the presidency because the country needs a strong conservative leader with my longstanding executive experience. Among my fellow Republicans, Romney doesn’t have the experience that I’ve got. Neither do Jeb Bush or Chris Christie.

S: In the last presidential campaign, during a debate with your fellow Republicans, you said that as President you would get rid of three federal agencies, but you could only name the Commerce and Education Departments and it wasn’t until later in the debate that you remembered the third one, the Energy Department. How can you overcome that embarrassment?

P: That was embarrassing alright. All I can say is, forget my flub in 2012, 2016 is what will count.

S: Alright Governor, let’s get to some issues. Where do you stand on gay marriage?

P. In Texas we strongly believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman. As long as I’m governor, Texas will not allow a marriage between two men or two women if I can help it. I don’t care if them liberal eastern and western states allow that crap, we ain’t gonna have any of that in Texas. As you must know, there are men who like to have sex with goats or women who like to have sex with their dogs. If we allow gay marriage, then those perverts will want the right to marry them goats and dogs. Like I said, we ain’t gonna have any gay marriages in Texas if I can help it!

S: Governor Perry, the Human Rights Clinic at the University of Texas Law School recently released a highly critical 40-page report which said Texas prisons are so hot during summers that the “convicts and guards are broiling in conditions that are dangerous, unconstitutional and violate international human rights accords.” How do you respond to that?

P: I strongly disagree with that report. It’s more of that liberal ‘hug a convict’ crap! I’ll grant you that our prisons are not Club Med. But we are not going to run a resort for convicted felons. Prisons are designed to punish wrongdoers. That bunch in Austin wants us to air condition every one of our 109 state prisons. Fine, let them liberals provide the money. I’m sure not going to ask the taxpayers to do it.

S: But since 1998, heat related illnesses have resulted in 19 Texas inmate deaths. Doesn’t that bother you?

P: Not much. I can sleep with a clear conscience. We are currently housing about 170,000 inmates in our prison units. While I sympathize with the families of those 19 inmates who died, that number is absolutely insignificant, considering we have that many inmates in custody. Many of our law abiding citizens do not have air conditioned homes and some of them also die from heat related illnesses. And every year construction workers and other laborers die from the heat. As for our inmates, as long as we provide lots of ice water for them and strategically place cooling fans in the cell blocks to circulate the air, we have fulfilled our obligations to provide them with a safe and humane environment.

S: Governor, I know you’re a strong supporter of the death penalty, but what about the suffering inmates go through during an execution using lethal drugs?

P: Suffering? You’ve gotta be kidding Ms. Schmuck. Where in the U.S. Constitution does it say that executions must be painless and without any suffering? If I had my way, we would bring back ‘Old Sparky”, the electric chair. It bothers the heck out of me that all you liberals are so concerned about a few minutes of discomfort for a cold blooded murderer. That Lockett fella shot a teenage girl and had her buried alive. Her death sure as hell wasn’t without pain and suffering. What about the cruel and unusual way she met her end? All you liberals don’t want to remember that, all you want to do is to abolish the death penalty. I wish we could bring back Old Sparky! Let’s singe the scumbag a little!

S: African-Americans make up less than 15 percent of the Texas population, but most of those executed and most of those awaiting execution in your state are black. Doesn’t that show the death penalty in Texas is fraught with racism?

P: No mam, it does not! What it shows is that a greater percentage of blacks are committing murders deserving of the death penalty than whites. I can assure you that when it comes to executing murderers we are not racist, Texas is an equal opportunity death penalty state.

S: You say equal opportunity. If you put it that way, others would categorize the large number of blacks sentenced to death as affirmative action.

P: That’s not funny Ms. Schmuck! If you’ll look at that liberal state of California you will find over 700 inmates on death row, and of those inmates, more are black than white. Does that make California’s death penalty racist? By your reasoning, I could say that California is an affirmative action death penalty state.

S: Good point Governor. Let’s move onto something else. What about Obama’s Affordable Care Act?

P: If I’m elected President, my first act will be to call on Congress to repeal that monstrosity.

S: What about strengthening our gun control laws so there won’t be a repeat of the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre and other mass shootings?

P: We don’t need any more gun control laws. If the Feds would just enforce the laws already on the books, you’ll see what I’m talking about. You know, if one of them teachers or the principal at that school had been armed, maybe all those poor little children would not have been killed. Isn’t Connecticut one of those states with real strict gun controls? A lot of good those restriction did them.

S: So you believe that school employees should be armed.

P: Ms. Schmuck, I believe that all law abiding citizens of sound mind should have the right to bear arms. If you took guns away from honest citizens like they’ve done in Noo York and California, then the only ones besides cops to have guns will be the criminals. I want every homeowner to have a gun to ward off any home intruders.

S: But Governor, wouldn’t it be better if those homeowners called the police?

P: Let me answer that this way. When seconds count, the police are minutes away!

S: Now, what about foreign policy?

P: I’m glad we’re getting to that. I think President Obama’s foreign policy has been a disaster. Since he’s taken office, much of the world no longer respects us and our enemies no longer fear us. The Holy Land, Syria, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Ukraine … what a mess!

S: What about the Holy Land? How do you stand on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict?

P: I will come down strongly on the Israeli side. I’ve been to Israel a number of times. It is the only true democracy in the Middle East and it is the only ally in that whole region that we can count on. So what has Obama done since he took office? He’s become hostile to the Jewish state. He despises Netanyahu. Obama blames the collapse of Secretary Kerry’s peace process on the building of Jewish settlements and Israel’s refusal to release a third batch of Palestinian terrorists.

S: But the Arabs have always complained that the U.S. has sided with Israel, that it has not taken a balanced approach to the conflict.

P: So what! Let them complain. Do you think for one minute that the Palestinians really want to make peace with the Israelis? In a pig’s eye! Any peace treaty would just be a stepping stone on the road to Israel’s destruction. Abbas has stated over and over again that there will be only one state, Palestine, from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean Sea. Of course, he says that in Arabic. To us and the Europeans he speaks in English and says he wants a two-state solution. Abbas is a bald-faced liar!

S: Well then, how would your administration handle that conflict.

P: I’m glad you asked that. I would get together with Netanyahu or whoever is prime minister and work out whatever plan the Israelis would accept. Then I would go to Abbas or whoever is the Palestinian leader, show him that plan and tell him to take it or leave it! If he refuses to accept the plan, I would cut off all aid to the Palestinians. Screw ‘em!

S: But aren’t you afraid that would bring on another Arab oil boycott?

P: Ha, just let them try it. For the last couple of years the shale deposits in Texas and other states and our off-shore drilling have produced more oil than our country needs. I don’t think them Aarabs are so stupid as to lose the money they get from us for their oil … they need it for building more palaces, getting more yachts and driving more exotic cars. … Now Ms. Schmuck, that’s all the time I have for now. I’ve got an appointment with my hair dresser in 15 minutes. Please be so kind as to remind your readers that Texas is a business friendly state with low taxes for all its citizens. Y’all come on down to Texas!

S: Thank you Governor Perry.


69 percent of Greek adults harbor anti-Semitic views

BarkGrowlBite | May 15, 2014

The recent ADL survey on anti-Semitism throughout the world [“A Lot of People Just Don’t Like Those Damn Jews” | BGB | May 14, 2014] revealed that Greece has the highest rate in Western Europe, with 69 percent of adults surveyed being prejudiced against Jews.

That comes as no surprise to me since over half of all Greek adults enjoy having a dick stuck up someone’s ass.

The 2005 Durex Global Sex Survey, in which more than 317 000 people from 41 countries took part in the world’s largest ever survey of sexual attitudes and behavior, revealed that 55 percent of Greeks enjoyed anal sex, topping the charts in that category. (The U.S. came in fifth with 47 percent.)

By combining the ADL and Durex surveys, it would appear that the perverts who enjoy anal sex are among those harboring the most anti-Semitic views.


Many mothers say they “just feel better” about giving their child a hepatitis A shot they made in the kitchen themselves

The Onion | May 14, 2014

NEW YORK—A wave of concern reportedly spread through the pharmaceutical industry this week as several major drug companies reported a dip in quarterly earnings, with experts placing the blame largely on the growing trend of mothers choosing to make vaccines for their children at home.

According to medical industry observers, the homemade inoculations, which are often assembled from scratch in kitchens or atop home craft tables, have become increasingly popular due to their low cost, their do-it-yourself appeal, and rising parental unease over the quality and origins of the ingredients in mass-produced immunizations.

“With some simple mail-order biochemical compounds and a little bit of elbow grease, mothers can now make and administer their own vaccines in the comfort of their own homes, saving themselves the expense and hassle of visiting a pediatrician,” said Deloitte senior business analyst Deborah Eisenson, who noted that the trend is spreading rapidly as more mothers post recipes and images of their handcrafted vaccines to Facebook and Pinterest. “In certain parts of the country, it has already become commonplace to see a continuous-flow centrifuge right there next to the microwave and the coffeemaker on the countertop.”

She added, “More and more of today’s moms want to know exactly what’s going into their children’s bodies, so they’re learning how to generate antigens from a home-grown chicken embryo or bacterial culture and then inject the vaccine into their child’s arm or upper thigh tissue themselves.”

Sources confirmed that groups of mothers across the country confer daily in online forums to swap their favorite vaccine-production methods for pertussis, diphtheria, polio, and other viruses, often suggesting adding little touches to the suspending fluid—such as customized blends of chemical compounds and antibiotics—to make the vaccine their own. In blog posts, moms reportedly share tips on ingredient-sourcing, dosages, and how to keep inactive viruses from going bad in the fridge, as well as how to make vaccinations fun by getting their kids involved in the process of making them.

When interviewed, many mothers described quality time spent gathered around the kitchen table, with the whole family helping to grind recombinant proteins with mortars and pestles while a supervising adult helps purify the mixture through chromatography and ultrafiltration. Others reportedly do prep work ahead of time on Sundays so that during the week they can simply come home from work, stir in any necessary adjuvants or stabilizers, and have an inoculation ready to go.

In addition, YouTube has become a popular resource for mothers, who log on by the thousands to watch step-by-step instructional videos on everything from isolating the latest influenza strains to making their oral typhoid solutions more palatable by stirring in a little apple juice.

One popular video, titled “Debbie’s Own Quick & Easy Mueller-Miller casamino acid medium,” currently has more than 23 million views.

“I know my vaccines are better for my kid because I make them with love and care in my own kitchen,” said Colorado Springs, CO mother Jen LaRochelle, adding that “God only knows what” drug companies are putting into their products. “When that immunizing serum flows through my daughter Samantha’s veins, I want to know she’s getting everything she needs. Making it yourself may take a little longer, but you get the hang of it pretty quick. A little aluminum hydroxide, a little ammonium sulfate, some polysorbate 80, and boom, it’s done in no time.”

“So far I’ve made my own tetanus and meningitis shots, and I’m working on an HPV one right now,” she continued, boasting that her all-natural injectables produce just as strong an immunity as the kind you get at the doctor’s office. “I get to grow the cultures myself using my favorite artisanal yeasts. It’s great.”

According to sources, homespun vaccinations are only one part of a larger do-it-yourself parenting movement in which moms and dads are producing handmade pills to treat hyperactivity, assembling their own orthodontics such as braces and retainers, and cooking up batches of insulin at home for children with diabetes. Experts predict that in years to come, the trend will only grow in popularity.

“Enough people were complimenting my measles vaccine that I now make a couple extra vials on purpose,” said Theresa Berman, a Fresno, CA mother of two, who revealed that her “secret ingredient” is a pinch of ginger. “It may not be as flashy as MMRV ProQuad, but it has the exact same WI-38 human diploid lung fibroblasts and MRC-5 cells as the brand-name variety.”

“Plus I print out my own cute little labels for the syringes,” she added. “Moms love it.”

Wednesday, May 14, 2014


A drunken Massachusetts woman practically begged to be busted when she told the cops she would get them canned and see them in court because she was recording the incident on her smart phone

BarkGrowlBite | May 14, 2014

Springfield, Massachusetts cops were called to the scene of a street disturbance at 2 a.m. Sunday. They found 24-year-old Karen Dziewit shouting obscenities at two male companions. She had a strong odor of alcohol on her breath. When they tried to calm her down she became more irate and belligerent. She screamed at the cops that they did not know how to do their jobs. She demanded their badge numbers, telling them she was a law student and would get them canned.

When Dziewit refused to calm down, the cops busted her for disorderly conduct. At that point the drunken dimwit announced, “I’ve been recording this the whole time, my phone is in my purse, see you in court.”

When the cops checked her purse, they found her smart phone with the voice recorder switched on. They also found an empty half-pint bottle of Five O’clock Vodka. As a result she was charged with unlawful wiretapping and an open container violation on top of the disorderly conduct charge. After she was arraigned in court Monday and ordered to appear for a pretrial hearing July 8, she was released on her own recognizance.

The ‘law student’ apparently was unaware of Chap. 272, Sec. 99 of the Massachusetts General Law which prohibits anyone “to secretly hear, secretly record, or aid another to secretly hear or secretly record the contents of any wire or oral communication through the use of any intercepting device by any person other than a person given prior authority by all parties to such communication.”

When dimwit Dziewit told the cops they didn’t know how to do their jobs, demanded their badge numbers, and told them she would get them canned, she was practically begging them to throw her drunken ass in the can. I don’t know if she’s really a law student, but if she is, she’s not too swift.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014


The Onion | May 12, 2014

MINNETONKA, MN—Saying he was clearly one of the top choices and definitely should not have been one of the last players selected, local mother Annalise Callahan told reporters Monday that she thought Michael Sam, the NFL’s first openly gay player, should have been drafted earlier.

“I don’t get why it took so long for him to get picked—he should have been one of the first ones,” said Callahan, expressing her disbelief that the defensive end was selected 249th overall and noting that, if she were them, she would have chosen him as number one. “You’d think one of those teams would have picked him in the top 10. I mean, it would have at least been a nice thing to do. I don’t know why they even chose all those fat guys before him who probably can’t even run.”

Callahan went on to add that while she was happy for Sam, she shouldn’t have to worry about seeing two men kissing every time she turned on her TV.

Monday, May 12, 2014


By Bob Walsh

PACOVILLA Corrections blog
May 12, 2014

A teenage car thief received one or more extra body orifices Saturday night courtesy of the San Jose PD.

The unnamed thief was spotted driving a stolen car and the cops attempted to stop him. He didn’t want to stop and instead rammed two police cars. That aggravated the local constabulary and one officer opened fire on his happy ass, ending the situation promptly.

The thief is now in the hospital. He’s lucky it wasn’t the morgue. I hope they throw the book at him.

Saturday, May 10, 2014


The Unconventional Gazette obtained this exclusive interview with Dr. Wu Chow Ping, an expert on good health habits recently arrived from Shanghai, China.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.. Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! ….. I must end interview. Have patient to see. Let me say it far better to enjoy food some don’t want you to eat. Then you have happy life, not miserable one.

The Unconventional Gazette hopes this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about exercise, food and diets.

Friday, May 9, 2014


I'm sure this guy is shitting in his pants 'cause he can't reach for his gun.


Pyongyang's Korean Central News Agency outdoes Donald Sterling by a dozen country miles

BarkGrowlBite | May 9, 2014

In a May 2 story, the official North Korean news agency quoted steel mill worker Kang Hyok as saying, "The way Obama looks disgusts me. He looks like an African monkey with a black face... and protruding, hairy ears. And he acts just like a monkey in an African zoo... licking up the breadcrumbs thrown by visitors."

Other comments described Obama as “sub-animal,” as “a crossbreed with unclear blood,” and as having “the figure of a monkey while the human race has evolved through millions of years.”

The Korean Central News Agency also recently called South Korean President Park Geun-hye an “old prostitute.”

Comparing our president to a monkey is a new low. Even Rush Limbaugh hasn’t done that. The world should do no less to North Korea’s supreme leader than what the NBA did to Donald Sterling.

I demand that the United Nations General Assembly votes to ban Kim Jong-un from the world for life and for the U.N. to appoint Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson as his interim replacement.


Couple appeared to be having sex while driving at the time of a deadly crash

BarkGrowlBite | May 9, 2014

According to 25 WPBF News and several other news outlets, Amanda Notebaert and her husband Matthew appeared to have been having sex while he crashed their car into a Loxahatchee, Florida canal bank about midnight on March 9. Amanda, 31, who recently gave birth to a baby girl, died at the scene and Matthew, 30, suffered serious injuries.

The couple was driving on their way home from a music festival with Amanda, who was naked from the waist down, sitting in Matthew’s lap. He took a wrong turn onto a road that dead ended at a canal. Matthew veered around three side-by-side reflector warning signs, vaulted over the canal and crashed heavily into the opposite bank. Matthew had been driving about 55 in a 35mph zone and there was no sign that he hit the brakes. The crash happened only a block from their home.

On Wednesday, Matthew was busted and charged with DUI manslaughter, vehicular homicide and DUI property damage. The arrest report shows that Matthew also had marijuana in his system. That figures ... a lot of people get high on pot while attending music festivals.

Let’s see now. Amanda was sitting naked from the waist down on Matthew’s lap. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out they were having sex while driving. I suspect the penile-vaginal coupling probably came apart as the car vaulted over the canal. I suppose one could say the climax of this story was reached at the end of the ride.

Thursday, May 8, 2014


Murphy, an Irish furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. They did however manage to exchange names – “My name is Murphy,” he said while pointing at himself and then at her. “Danielle,” she said, pointing at herself.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. Danielle nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

Danielle nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, Danielle took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy is still trying to figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014



Students at a prestigious prep school’s English class were assigned to read 2 books, ‘James Cameron’s Titanic’ and ‘The Death of American Virtue’ by Ken Gormley, a book about the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

The teacher gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:…Cost - $29.99
DAV:……Cost - $29.99

Titanic:…Over 3 hours to read
DAV:……Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:…The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
DAV:……The story of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:…Jack is a starving artist.
DAV:.......Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:…In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
DAV:.......Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:…During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
DAV:.......Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:...Jack teaches Rose to spit.
DAV:.......Let's not go there.

Titanic:…Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
DAV:........Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:…Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
DAV:........Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:…Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
DAV:…….Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:…Jack surrenders to an icy death.
DAV:.......Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014


British woman who couldn’t wait till she got to Las Vegas, got busted for having sex with a stranger in a Virgin Atlantic plane’s toilet

BarkGrowlBite | May 6, 2014

According to the Las Vegas Sun, this happened last week:

A British woman in her 20s was on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to Las Vegas accompanied by her parents. It seems as though she got inebriated during the flight and got into it hot and heavy with the stranger sitting next to her. They both ended up in the plane’s toilet. When passengers heard loud noises coming from the toilet, members of the flight crew broke down the door. They caught the couple copulating.

The woman then got belligerent with the crew members and had to be restrained in her seat. She was pissed off because, I suspect, the couple was interrupted before she was able to reach a climax. The cops were waiting for her when the plane landed in Las Vegas. After a short time in custody she was released with a warning.

The Sun did not identify the two crapper copulators.

She should have waited until she was on the ground because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Hmm, I wonder, what were her parents doing or thinking while all this was going on?

Monday, May 5, 2014


These thugs would give America's Bloods and Crips a run for their money.

Sunday, May 4, 2014


By Ken Hoffman

Houston Chronicle
May 3, 2014

Here's the next year in the life of Donald Sterling's alleged girlfriend, V. Stiviano.

June: Playboy offers her $1 million to pose naked.

July: Hires Gloria Allred as her lawyer.

August: Oprah in prime time.

September: She goes on "60 Minutes" but mistakes Morley Safer for Donald Sterling and asks for a car.

October: A sex tape from her past appears. Vivid pays $5 million for it.

November: Kris Jenner signs on as her manager.

December: Her tell-all book is published. She makes the talk show rounds. I do a phoner with her.

January: Mrs. Larry King.

February: Ex-Mrs. Larry King.

March-April: She concludes her slow, inevitable descent in the sordid world of modern pornography … a TV reality show.

Saturday, May 3, 2014


BarkGrowlBite | May 3, 2014

When former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson was released from prison, boxing promoter Dan Duva said:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Friday, May 2, 2014


Karen Lee Carstens faces prison time after having been convicted of fulfilling every dream her charge could have had for two years starting when he was 13

BarkGrowBite | May 2, 2014

After her conviction, the ungrateful bastard, now 19, said Carstens deserved everything that she got.

In any country but the U.S., this ‘child care’ giver would be in great demand, rather than headed to prison.

By Richard Connelly and Camilo Smith

Houston Press Hair Balls
May 1, 2014

A jury Wednesday found a 43-year-old woman guilty of sexual assault of a child under 17.

Karen Lee Carstens was supposed to watch after her sick friend's child while the friend was in the hospital, but instead indulged in sexual activities with the then 13-year-old.

"I feel like she deserved everything that she got so we'll leave it at that," the unidentified victim, now 19, told KHOU.

When her good friend was hospitalized, Karen Lee Carstens volunteered to help watch her 13-year-old son.

For two years, cops say, she and the boy had a sexual relationship, one where he apparently was more worried about birth control than she was.

According to court documents, at one point the boy said he had intercourse with her and, although he ejaculated on her stomach, "he cried believing he had impregnated [Carstens] but [Carstens] assured him not to worry because her menstrual cycle was due soon."

At another point, the boy thought of another way to avoid pregnancy: anal sex.

The two were upstairs in his bedroom when he was 15 while his mother was again in the hospital.

The boy "stated that he asked [Carstens] if he 'could have sex up the ass because he didn't have a condom,'" the court documents say. "Complainant stated [Carstens] refused at first citing that it would cause her pain but agreed to the request. [The boy] stated that he inserted his penis inside [her] rectum and that he 'ejaculated' inside the anus."

The boy told investigators the sex had begun around 2007, when he was 13. (Carstens is now 41.) At first it involved the boy just touching her breasts and genitals, but soon, he said in the court documents, the defendant "sucked his dick" at least four times, including once in the family's living room.