SENATOR FEINSTEIN WILL INTRODUCE BILL TO REDUCE HANDS AND FISTS VIOLENCE

By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Unconventional Gazette / January 4, 2013

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following Thursday’s Newsmax article on the FBI report that revealed twice as many people are killed by hands and fists than by assault rifles, Senator Diane Feinstein, D-California and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg appeared at a joint news conference to announce that the senator would introduce a bill to reduce hands and fists violence.

Feinstein, who is introducing a bill to ban assault rifles, and Bloomberg, who has been leading the charge against gun violence, both expressed outrage over the killings by hands and fists, saying they were surprised and shocked by the FBI findings.

Mayor Bloolmberg said, “Since I am for a strong ban against assault weapons, I cannot stand idly by when twice as many people are killed by hands and fists than by assault rifles. That is why I have urged Senator Feinstein to introduce legislation that will ban hands and fists violence.”

Senator Feinstein said, “I agree wholeheartedly with my dear friend Michael. That is why his legal staff and mine met together yesterday and, after due deliberation, presented me with the preliminary draft of a bill I intend to introduce in the Senate.”

According to Feinstein, the bill would ban hands and fists violence. It would require the amputation of the hand of anyone convicted of assaulting another person with his hand or fist. A right-handed person would lose his right hand and a left-handed person would lose his left hand. The amputations must be performed by a board certified surgeon. The amputee would be required to pay for the surgery.

Boxing, wrestling, martial arts and mixed-martial arts contestants would be exempted only as long as such fighting is confined to the ring or cage. Law enforcement officers and military personnel would be exempted whenever hands and fists are used in the performance of their duties. A person who used his hands and fists only to defend himself would also be exempted.

When asked if the punishment would not constitute cruel and unusual punishment, Feinstein replied, “I feel confident that with the current conservative majority in the Supreme Court, my law will be upheld. That is why I am going to introduce this bill tomorrow. I want it tested by the Supreme Court before President Obama gets to nominate anyone else to serve on the nation’s highest court.

The Unconventional Gazette contacted the White House for President Obama’s take on Feinstein’s bill. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told us that “Since the President advocates a strong ban on assault weapons, and in view of the FBI report, he is ready to throw the full weight of his presidency in support of Senator Feinstein’s bill to ban hands and fists violence.”

Attorney General Eric Holder and Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano both told us that the Justice Department and the FBI would vigorously enforce Feinstein’s hands and fists measure once it becomes law.