Tuesday, January 31, 2012

BREWER-OBAMA CONFRONTATION ON THE TARMAC

Arizona governor wags finger in the president’s face

By Ima Schmuck / The Schalotte / January 31, 2012

Last Wednesday, when President Obama disembarked from Air Force One at Phoenix-Mesa Gateway Airport, he was greeted on the tarmac by Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer. Brewer gave Obama a hand-written note outlining the points she wished to discuss with him during his visit. What appeared to be a heated discussion ensued during which Brewer wagged her finger in Obama’s face.

The Schalotte was able to obtain a tape recording of their confrontation from an Arizona official who was standing near the two antagonists. Here is a transcript of that recording:

Brewer: Welcome to Arizona, Mr. President.

Obama: Thank you Madam Governor.

Brewer: Here [handing Obama an envelope] are some notes I made about the immigration issue that I want to discuss with you.

Obama: I’m not here to have a discussion with you. I’m here to attend a Democratic Party fundraiser. Besides, I didn’t appreciate the lies you wrote about me in your book [‘Scorpions for Breakfast’].

Brewer: Lies? I didn’t write any lies about you.

Obama: Yes you did!

Brewer: Did not!

Obama: Did too! Look, I don’t have time to waste on you, please get out of my way.

Brewer: Get out of your way? Look here buddy, you’re not in Washington now, you’re in my state!

Obama: Your state, my ass. Now get your fat butt out of the way lady, you're in my country!

Brewer: Oh yeah [wagging her finger in the president’s face], just wait till Sheriff Joe [Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio] hauls your ass down to tent city [Arpaio’s infamous concentration camp], you illegal piece of shit!

Obama: Illegal piece of shit? What do you mean, illegal?

Brewer: You know damn well what I mean. You were not born in the United States and that makes you an illegal president.

Obama: Why you sorry ass bitch! [And walks away.]

Monday, January 30, 2012

BEDBUGS AT THE RITZ-CARLTON

Oscar De La Hoya and Angelica Cecora to seek damages

By Pamela Putz / The Schalotte / January 30, 2012

Scott Geraghty, general manager of the Ritz-Carlton Hotel, has admitted that bedbugs have been discovered in New York’s swankiest hotel. “Bedbugs are inevitable,” he said. “They’re brought in by guests and come in on luggage or things of that nature.”

A guest in Room 1005 of the hotel, where a midweek room can start at $695 and soar to $4500 for a suite, produced a specimen of the pesky bug, a wingless six-legged bloodsucker before checking out on Sunday.

Rosanna Polanco, a hotel maid, was upset because no one from the Ritz-Carlton told her about the bedbugs. She was told about them by a worker from Ecolab Inc., a company that supplies cleaning products and pest elimination services, but only after she had already cleaned Room 1005. “Be careful,” he warned her, “there’s a lot of bedbugs in there.”

Hotel management sources have told The Schalotte that Room 1005 is the same suite in which boxing great Oscar De La Hoya and two women had a coke and pot induced wild and kinky sex party.

The Schalotte contacted Angelica Cecora, the Playboy and Maxim model who was one of the women participating in De Lay Hoya’s sex romp. Cecora said that following the party she found the area around her crotch covered with “a bunch of red bumps that itched like hell.” The severe itching lasted for more than two weeks during which time she was unable to work or have sex with her boyfriend. She refused to say anything more and referred us to her lawyer.

Tony Evans, Cecora’s lawyer, told us he was preparing a $10 million lawsuit against the Ritz-Carlton. “Angelica has suffered considerable emotional distress and loss of income, and she has been deprived of a sexual relationship with her boyfriend,” he said, “all because of the hotel’s failure to maintain a clean and healthy bedbug-free environment.”

Evans went on to say that he would amend Cecora’s lawsuit against De La Hoya. “After all, it was De La Hoya who invited my client up to that suite. As you know, we are asking the court to award Angelica $5 million for imprisonment, emotional distress and assault and battery. Because of the bedbugs, we are going to double the damages to $10 million.”

The Schalotte also contacted De La Hoya. “That explains it ….. the red bumps and that terrible itching around my cock,” he said. “Thank God I like to wear crotchless panties. They make it a lot easier for me to scratch myself."

Suddenly De La Hoya exclaimed, "Oh shit, Millie [Oscar’s wife] is going to be really pissed off at me now. That explains why she’s been itching so much. I must have brought those fucking bedbugs home with me. Now she’ll have me sleeping on the couch again. I’m gonna sue the crap out of the Ritz-Carlton.”

Sunday, January 29, 2012

SCIENTISTS: ‘LOOK, ONE-THIRD OF THE HUMAN RACE HAS TO DIE FOR CIVILIZATION TO BE SUSTAINABLE, SO HOW DO WE WANT TO DO THIS?’

Scientists say at least 2 billion dead bodies will be burned and converted into fossil fuels

The Onion / January 26, 2012

WASHINGTON—Saying there's no way around it at this point, a coalition of scientists announced Thursday that one-third of the world population must die to prevent wide-scale depletion of the planet's resources—and that humankind needs to figure out immediately how it wants to go about killing off more than 2 billion members of its species.

Representing multiple fields of study, including ecology, agriculture, biology, and economics, the researchers told reporters that facts are facts: Humanity has far exceeded its sustainable population size, so either one in three humans can choose how they want to die themselves, or there can be some sort of government-mandated liquidation program—but either way, people have to start dying.

And soon, the scientists confirmed.

"I'm just going to level with you—the earth's carrying capacity will no longer be able to keep up with population growth, and civilization will end unless large swaths of human beings are killed, so the question is: How do we want to do this?" Cambridge University ecologist Dr. Edwin Peters said. "Do we want to give everyone a number and implement a death lottery system? Incinerate the nation's children? Kill off an entire race of people? Give everyone a shotgun and let them sort it out themselves?"

"Completely up to you," he added, explaining he and his colleagues were "open to whatever." "Unfortunately, we are well past the point of controlling overpopulation through education, birth control, and the empowerment of women. In fact, we should probably kill 300 million women right off the bat."

Because the world's population may double by the end of the century, an outcome that would lead to a considerable decrease in the availability of food, land, and water, researchers said that, bottom line, it would be helpful if a lot of people chose to die willingly, the advantage being that these volunteers could decide for themselves whether they wished to die slowly, quickly, painfully, or peacefully.

Additionally, the scientists noted that in order to stop the destruction of global environmental systems in heavily populated regions, there's no avoiding the reality that half the world's progeny will have to be sterilized.

"The longer we wait, the higher the number of people who will have to die, so we might as well just get it over with," said Dr. Chelsea Klepper, head of agricultural studies at Purdue University, and the leading proponent of a worldwide death day in which 2.3 billion people would kill themselves en masse at the exact same time. "At this point, it's merely a question of coordination. If we can get the populations of New York City, Los Angeles, Beijing, India, Europe, and Latin America to voluntarily off themselves at 6 p.m. EST on June 1, we can kill the people that need to be killed and the planet can finally start renewing its resources."

Thus far, humanity has been presented with a great variety of death options, among them, poisoning the world's water supply with cadmium, picking one person per household to be killed in the privacy of his or her home, mass beheadings, and gathering 2.3 billion people all in one place and obliterating them with a single hydrogen bomb.

Sources confirmed that if a death solution is not in place by Mar. 31, the U.N., in the interest of preserving the human race, will mobilize its peacekeeping forces and gun down as many people as necessary.

"I don't care how it happens, but a ton of Africans have to go, because by 2025, there's no way that continent will be able to feed itself," said Dr. Henry Craig of the Population Research Institute. "And by my estimation, three babies have to die for every septuagenarian, because their longer life expectancy means babies have the potential to release far more greenhouse gases going forward."

While the majority of the world's populace reportedly understands this is the only option left to save civilization, not all members of the human race are eager to die.

"I personally would rather live, but taking the long view, I can see how ensuring the survival of humanity is best," said Norwich, CT resident and father of three Jason Atkins. "I guess if we were to do it over again, it would make sense to do a better job conserving the earth's finite resources."

"Hopefully, the people who remain on the planet will use the mass slaughter of their friends and loved ones as an incentive to be more responsible going forward," he added.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

BIRDS BOMBING NORTHERN KENTUCKY TOWN A TERRORIST ATTACK?

By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / January 28, 2012

La Grange, a small Kentucky town northeast of Louisville, has been bombed daily with droppings by several hundred thousand black birds. The carpet bombing attacks have been carried out every evening at dusk since last November. They have concentrated their bombings on a three-mile radius part of the town. At night the birds, believed to be starlings, roost in nearby woods, reloading for the next attack.

Residents say that during the bombings it sounds like heavy raindrops hitting the roofs of their homes. When the birds swarm it looks like a black cloud approaching the town. Residents don’t dare to go outdoors without their umbrellas. Their streets, their cars, their houses and their yards are covered with bird shit. It takes hours to clean all that shit off of their cars. Swimming pools are just one big shitty mess.

The smell is sickening. Residents claim the carpet bombing has resulted in serious health hazards. Kids are catching eye infections and many residents are experiencing respiratory difficulties. Wildlife authorities have given several residents air cannons, but the noise from the cannons has not succeeded in scaring off the attacking birds.

Bird experts say the bird swarm phenomenon is called ‘murmuration’, a synchronized swirl of starlings. The word was coined after two filmmakers on a canoe trip in Ireland filmed the swirl and put it to music.

Frank Attwater, standing under his umbrella, said, “I believe this shitty attack is the work of terrorists. I think they’re making a test run here in La Grange before unleashing this biological weapon of mass destruction on other parts of the country.” Mary Johnson, Attwater’s neighbor, agreed and added, “Just think what kind of havoc and destruction such bombings would cause if those birds attacked our military bases.”

Hank Fairweather, leader of the Texas Defenders of Freedom, showed up to offer the help of his organization. He said TDF is a small army of good old boys that was formed to fight terrorist attacks wherever they may occur in this country. He said that TDF doesn’t trust the government in the fight against terrorism. Fairweather belittled the air cannons and said, “I’ve got more than 50 of my men ready to come up here with their shotguns to blast away those ornery critters.” Suddenly he shouted “God damn it!” as his head and face got splattered with bird shit.

But bird lover Betsy Carpenter, while standing nearby under her umbrella, shouted “Go back to Texas! We don’t want your sorry ass redneck bird killers here! This is no terrorist attack. Birds are beautiful little creatures and I think this is God’s way of punishing us because this neighborhood voted overwhelmingly for Barack Obama.”

Friday, January 27, 2012

FORMER CHAMP, NOW CHUMP, ENJOYS WEARING WOMEN’S UNDIES

By Ima Schmuck / The Schalotte / January 27, 2012

Angelica Marie Cecora, 25, is suing boxing great Oscar De La Hoya, 38, the married father of two children, alleging that the Golden Boy unlawfully imprisoned and assaulted her during a coke and pot induced wild and kinky sex party in his suite at New York’s swanky Ritz-Carlton Hotel.

Here is her story:

__Cecora, who has modeled for Playboy and Maxim, says she met De La Hoya last March and he invited her for dinner at his hotel. During dinner, he promised to pay for some expensive dental work and offered her a job in his boxing promotion business. Then they went to his suite and had consensual sex. Afterwards Oscar put on her underwear and revealed that he enjoyed wearing push-up bras and ‘teeny, tiny crotchless' women’s panties. Next he ordered $200 worth of cocaine and $100 worth of pot delivered to the room.

__Following that she obliged when Oscar requested an ‘extreme sex act’ [presumably anal sex]. Then she had her roommate come over with some sex toys so they could have some threesome sex. After a sex romp both women fell asleep but Oscar tried to pull her out of bed three times for more sex. They managed to lock him out of the bedroom. She was afraid to leave the hotel suite because she feared he would attempt to have sex with her against her will.

__In the morning Oscar was gone, stiffing them with a $1,500 bill for the suite.

While not pursuing any criminal charges, Cecora is seeking an apology and $5 million for imprisonment, emotional distress and assault and battery.

De La Hoya’s lawyer says the lawsuit is frivolous and that the only way Cecora suffered was to miss a dentist’s appointment the next morning. He labeled Cecora ‘a prostitute and a grifter’ in court papers. He told the court that Oscar began rehabilitation therapy last spring because ‘his life had spiraled out of control’ and that he had now become a ‘changed man.’

The Golden Boy has admitted that photographs in 2007 of him dressed in fishnet and women’s panties were authentic. And last September he admitted being addicted to cocaine.

The Schalotte believes that if Oscar is going to cheat on his wife, he can surely find a sex partner with more class than a trashy Angelica. It’s interesting that almost always after someone gets caught doing a no-no, he becomes a ‘changed man.’ Golden Boy? More like fool’s gold.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

PIG FARMERS AND SHEEP RANCHERS DEMAND SAME RIGHTS AS GAYS

By Pamela Putz / The Schalotte / January 25, 2012

OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON – About 30 noisy pig farmers and sheep ranchers demonstrated in front of the state capitol demanding the same rights of marriage as gays.

A bill to legalize gay marriage in Washington now has enough votes to pass the state legislature, a lawmaker who sponsored the measure said on Monday, as the state moved closer to becoming the nation's seventh to legalize same-sex unions. Governor Chris Gregoire, a Democrat, announced earlier this month that she would support the legislation.

The farmers and ranchers stood out among hundreds of other demonstrators, with some demonstrators clamoring in favor of gay marriage and others protesting against same-sex marriage.

Fred Finley, 37, a pig farmer from Farmington, demonstrated alongside one of his pigs. Finley told the Schalotte that because of his occupation he had been unable to establish any lasting relations with the opposite sex. “No matter how many times I bathe, I can’t wash off the smell,” he said. “Whenever I go into town, people scatter in all directions.” Finley said that he began having sex with his pigs about six or seven years ago. “Myrtle here is my favorite pig. We’ve been lovers for the past three years. If Gays are allowed to marry, then I should be allowed to marry my sweet Myrtle.”

Hank Brownlee, 34, a sheep rancher from Green Meadows, was standing with one of his sheep, shouting “We demand the right to marry our sex partners.” Brownlee told us he had been having sex with his sheep for more than 10 years and he found it more satisfying than having sex with women. “Francesca here is my steady,” he said. “I’ve been in a loving relationship with Francesca for four years. Our anniversary was last week.” Brownlee said he supports Gay marriage. “I believe that if Gay lovers can marry, then the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment requires the state to let me marry the love of my life, faithful Francesca.”

The Schalotte found Marilyn O’Mara, 28, an attractive redhead from Olympia, and her Great Dane standing among the farmers and ranchers. She told us that she hated men because her husband, a psychology professor at The Evergreen State College, had left her for one of his students. “I’m not into Gay relationships,” she said. “But I love my Hamlet,” pointing to her Great Dane, “and I want to marry him. After that no good bastard left me, I let Hamlet sleep in bed with me. One night I woke up to find Hamlet mounting me, and it’s been whoopee ever since. He satisfies me more than any man I’ve ever slept with. He’s been mounting me almost every night for two years now and I think that if Gay lovers can marry, I should be able to marry this handsome stud. The only thing Hamlet ever wants from me is for me to love and feed him. In my mind, that makes for a perfect marriage.”

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

THE SCHALOTTE UNCOVERS DIABOLICAL GOVERNMENT PLOT

Secretary Napolitano demanded to know who told us about the plot

By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / January 24, 2012

On our promise not to reveal his identity, a high ranking official at U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) informed us that the government planned to deport seniors to lower the federal deficit and to save Social Security and Medicare. He advised us to contact a friend of his who is high up in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) for more information.

When we promised not to reveal his identity, the HHS official confirmed what the ICE official had told us. Here is the diabolical plot that The Schalotte has uncovered:

__To help lower the federal deficit, the Government will announce next month that instead of rounding up and deporting illegals, Immigration and Customs Enforcement will start rounding up and deporting seniors, thereby reducing the staggering costs of Social Security and Medicare.

__The Obama administration believes that older people are easier to catch than illegals and will not remember how to get back home. And by getting rid of enough seniors they will save Social Security and Medicare from insolvency.

When we contacted Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and asked her about the information we obtained, we heard her mutter ‘God damn it’ before she demanded to know who gave us that information. After telling her we could not reveal his identity, we again asked her about the plan to round up and deport seniors. She said, “I can’t comment on that now. Why don’t you talk to the Vice President about it.”

When we contacted Vice President Joe Biden and asked him if the information we obtained was correct, he exclaimed “Oh shit! You’ll have to get with Secretary Napolitano on this one.”

Friday, January 20, 2012

SUDDENLY IT WAS LIKE HIS WHOLE LIFE FLASHED BEFORE HIS EYES

RICK PERRY EXPERIENCES OVERWHELMING FEELING OF CLARITY AND CONTENTMENT IN FINAL MOMENTS BEFORE DEATH OF CAMPAIGN

The Onion
January 19, 2011

COLUMBIA, SC—Texas governor Rick Perry experienced a profound moment of peace and serenity Thursday morning just before his campaign to be president of the United States slipped away into the darkness, meeting its death. "It's all so clear now—so breathtakingly, beautifully clear," said Perry, tears streaming down his face as his bid for the 2012 Republican nomination drew its final, gasping breaths. "All that time I spent accusing people who disagreed with me of treason, labeling more or less all Muslims as terrorists, and generally alienating the American public, I should have been reaching out—I should have been celebrating our differences, and learning from them. It's ironic, but now, with the end so very near, I finally know what it means to be a good candidate. Goodbye." Gov. Perry told reporters he plans to return to Austin, where he will lead a state-sponsored Christian prayer service, mandatory for all residents, on the steps of the Texas Capitol.

Monday, January 16, 2012

THE COSTA CONCORDIA DISASTER

By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / January 16, 2012

Francesco Schettino, 52, captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia, and First Officer Ciro Ambrosio have been arrested on suspicion of multiple manslaughter and abandoning ship when the cruise liner started to list after it ran aground.

Passengers reported seeing the captain spending much of the evening drinking in the bar with a beautiful woman on his arm before the ship smashed into some rocks, sustaining a 160 foot-long gash in the port-side hull. Passengers also reported they were left to fend for themselves by the ship’s officers and crew who shoved women and children out of the way as they rushed to get into lifeboats.

Schettino was seen wrapped in a blanket on a lifeboat and then standing on shore long before most of the passengers were able to escape from the capsizing ship.

As soon as the Schalotte learned about the accident we flew our chief investigative reporter to the scene. By slipping his jailers a few bucks and several bottles of Ciucciami il Cazzo, we were able to obtain an exclusive interview with Capt. Schettino in his jail cell.

Here is the interview:

Q. Captain, why did you inform the passengers that everything was OK when the ship ran aground and that you were only experiencing a temporary electrical failure?

A. Because the lights went out. That’s why.

Q. No, I mean, why didn’t you inform them of the real problem, that the ship ran aground?

A. Because I didn’t want to worry them needlessly.

Q. Captain, were you drinking in the bar with a beautiful woman much of the evening before the accident?

A. Oh merda! I hope my wife doesn’t hear about this.

Q. Well what about it?

A. You mean about the woman ….. you don’t expect me to spend time trying to seduce an ugly woman, do you?

Q. No, no! Not the woman. I mean how much did you have to drink?

A. Two beers, my good man, only two beers.

Q. Yeah, right. Captain, did you abandon ship before most of the passengers were able to escape?

A. That is a lie! I was one of the last to leave the ship.

Q. Then how can you explain that many passengers, as well as people who live on the island of Giglio, reported seeing you standing on shore while most of the passengers were still on the ship?

A. They did? Oh merda! Well, would you believe that I only left the ship because, as I was trying to help passengers into the lifeboats, all of a sudden the ship listed between 60-70 degrees. I tripped and fell into one of the lifeboats. The next thing I knew was that I was standing on the shore.

Q. No, can't you come up with a better one than that?

A. Then would you at least believe that I was standing on shore to direct the rescue operations?

Q. Not on your life! Ciao.

A. Well, at least give me credit for turning the ship around after it struck those rocks and beaching it. If I had not beached the ship, it would have sunk in deep water and then hundreds, possibly thousands of passengers would have been lost. Ciao.

The Schalotte also interviewed surviving passenger Martha Foster from Milwaukee. Here is that interview:

Q. Martha, what were conditions like once the ship started to list?

A. It was sheer chaos, sheer chaos! There was no one telling us what to do. Everyone was screaming and running in all directions.

Q. Didn’t crew members give the passengers any directions? Didn’t they try to help you get safely off the ship?

A. Help? Shit! As soon as the ship started to roll over on its side, those sorry gutless spineless fucking bastards were clawing their way topside and shoving the passengers, including little children and old people, out of the way in their haste to escape on the few available lifeboats. They didn’t give a holy fuck about any of us. Excuse my language, but I’m fucking pissed off!

Q. That’s OK Martha, I fully understand. But the cruise line is saying that ….. let me read from their official statement ….. “As we are learning more about the event itself and the evacuation, however, it is becoming clear that the crew of the Costa Concordia acted bravely and swiftly to help evacuate more than 4,000 individuals during a very challenging situation.” What do you make of that statement?

A. Say what?! Now I’m really getting pissed off! The only crew members that stayed to help us were the cooks and waiters and some of the entertainers and, like us passengers, none of them had any idea of what to do. The fucking officers and the rest of the fucking crew abandoned us to save themselves. As I said before, those motherfuckers didn’t give a holy fuck about any of us.

Q. Martha, the cruise line has just announced that all passengers will be awarded a free passage on a future cruise. How do you feel about that?

A. Oh yeah? Well, they can shove that free passage up their fucking spaghetti-bender stinking asses. Fuck ‘em! They’ll be hearing from my lawyer ….. you bet they will!

Q. I’m really glad you’re OK, Martha. Thanks for answering our questions.

A. You’re very welcome. Just be sure to tell everyone about the fucking Captain and his worthless God damn crew!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

SAYING ‘I LOVE YOU’ CAUSES PAIN THAT HAS NO KNOWN EQUIVALENT

The Schalotte / January 15, 2012

The Schalotte is grateful to The Onion for a heads-up on the hazards of visiting a loved one hospitalized in a coma.

STUDY FINDS HEARING LOVED ONE’S VOICE INDUCES EXCRUCIATING PAIN IN COMA PATIENTS

The Onion
January 14, 2012

BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, people in comas experience excruciating, indescribable levels of pain whenever they hear the sound of a loved one's voice.

The Johns Hopkins University study, which used fMRI brain-imaging technology to monitor the cerebral activity of more than 400 coma patients while friends and family members talked soothingly at their hospital bedsides, found that every second a loved one was speaking, subjects felt pain so agonizing that researchers have likened it to the sensation of having one's skin slowly removed with dull scissors before being doused in gasoline and set on fire.

"Whether the patient's sister was reading aloud from a favorite book or a spouse was relating shared happy memories, the data conclusively proved the participant was experiencing wave after wave of pain so torturous that you or I couldn't even begin to imagine it," said Dr. Adam Tyner, lead author of the study. "After hearing a loved one speak, every single coma patient we observed exhibited a huge spike in activity within the pain centers of the brain, at levels comparable to those of someone dropped into a vat of hydrochloric acid and then forced to roll around in salt."

"If you are in any way significant to or loved by a coma patient, it appears visiting that person in the hospital is the absolute worst thing you can do to him or her," Tyner continued. "You have to understand, if these individuals could speak, they would be screaming at their loved ones to please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop talking."

Tyner said the data also proved that patients were very much cognizant of their surroundings and seemed to know precisely who was causing them the worst pain any human being could possibly experience. He went on to stress that what the subjects were experiencing was not simply emotional pain, but a very real and horrible physical pain, similar to the sensation of being dragged naked behind a truck over miles of jagged lava plains covered with tacks and broken glass.

"During trials in which a young son or daughter urged a parent to please, please just wake up, the pain reached an intensity so severe we can safely hypothesize these patients would gladly have jumped to their deaths from hospital windows cursing their children's names, had they the capacity to do so," Tyner said.

In addition, the study found many other stimuli besides vocalizations that caused immense pain in coma patients. The smell of fresh flowers, the presence of Mylar balloons, or a loved one gently running fingers through the subject's hair all caused pain so extreme it would cause a healthy person to mercifully black out. However, because of their condition coma patients are unable to scream for help, and are instead forced to remain completely silent and aware as they endured a pain 10 times worse than that of a torture victim.

"No stimulus compared to utterances of 'I love you,'" Tyner said. "Those three words resulted in a pain that has no known equivalent, but the closest approximation would be the sensation of hot, rusty needles flowing through one's very blood stream."

Tyner said that the full implications of the study were still not totally clear, but that loved ones could take immediate steps to improve the palliative care of those in comas.

"Don't talk to them, don't gaze upon them lovingly, don't even think about them," Tyner said. "Not surprisingly, the evidence suggests those in comas are so sensitive they can faintly pick up sympathetic thoughts from friends and family, which also causes them terrible, unimaginable pain."

"The best advice I can give is that if you care for these people at all, just leave them completely alone until they either wake up or die," Tyner added.

Friday, January 13, 2012

LETTER TO PAM

The Schalotte / January 13, 2012

Dear Pam,

My husband and I live in South Florida. He is a successful businessman and we have been married nine years. Our sex life is not good because he is away on so many business trips.

The other day I was relaxing topless by the side of our backyard swimming pool when Rodrigo, the pool serviceman showed up. I immediately covered my bare breasts with a towel. Rodrigo is quite a hunk. Suddenly I felt a strong urge to ask him to rub some more suntan lotion on my back. Rodrigo said he would be glad to do so.

Rodrigo rubbed the lotion over my back and butt, but when he started to apply it between my legs in my crotch, I began to tingle all over. Without thinking, I rolled over and exposed my breasts to him. He pulled off my bikini bottom and …. well, from then on I had the greatest sex of my life. We had sex in a dozen different positions. I almost went crazy while he was going down on me and I enjoyed giving him several blow jobs too. I lost count of the number of orgasms I experienced. We made love nonstop for over two hours until I was completely exhausted.

My problem is that now I want Rodrigo more than my husband. What should I do?

Singed,
Completely Exhausted

Dear Completely Exhausted,

You’ve gotten yourself into some predicament. Your options are few. You can divorce your husband and sue for spousal support so you can take up with Rodrigo. Or you can change pool service companies and forget that hunk if you can.

If you decide to stay with your husband, let me know the name and telephone number of Rodrigo’s company so I can come down there and rent a vacation home with pool for a week. Then I’ll have Rodrigo service my pool.

The more I think of it, the more I feel that you should stay with your husband. And please be sure to send me Rodrigo's phone number.

Signed,
Pam

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

IT WAS MITT ROMNEY

ONE OF THOSE FUCKING PEOPLE WINS NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY

The Onion
January 10, 2012

CONCORD, NH—With the majority of precincts reporting, sources are now confirming that one of those fucking guys—one of the ones who wore a suit on television and talked a lot—has won the New Hampshire primary, beating five or six of the fuckers he was up against. "To be honest, I don't really know which one of those cocksuckers I voted for, but I think it was the asshole with the hair," New Hampshire resident Pete Harris told reporters. "I can’t remember his name, but he was the only one who looked me in the eye and didn't immediately make me want to throw up." Following announcement of the results, sources said one of the assholes is probably considering dropping out, another one is probably continuing on, and who really gives a flying fuck?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

LETTER TO PAM

The Schalotte / January 10, 2012


The Schalotte is proud to announce that Pamela Putz has started a ‘Letter to Pam’ advice column for the lovelorn. Here is the first letter Pamela received:

Dear Pam,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims..

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?

Signed,
Lost

Dear Lost,

Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you.

You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with Barack for at least one more year and maybe for five more years!

Signed,
Pam

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

A COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OF A NUCLEAR POWER WHO HAS NEVER LED ANYTHING

By Ima Schmuck / The Schalotte / January 4, 2012

EDITORIAL

As editor of The Schalotte, I am really concerned about North Korea's appointment of the "dear leader", Kim Jung Ill's youngest son to be the new leader of North Korea-- a nuclear power!

After all, Kim Jung Un (pronounced Kim's young-un?) had NO military experience whatsoever before daddy made him a four-star general in the military. This is a snot-nose twerp who has never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership: he hasn't even so much led a cub scout troop, coached a sports team, or commanded a military platoon.... So, setting that aside, next they make him their "beloved leader" of the country. Terrific!

Oh, crap! I'm sorry. I just remembered that we did the same thing here in the United States. In North Korea, the Commander-in-Chief is chosen by his predecessor. Here the people elect him. We took a community organizer who has never worn a uniform and made him Commander-in-Chief; a guy who has never led anything more than an ACORN demonstration and made him the leader of this country.

I'm sorry I brought Kim Jung Un up, never mind.