USS MICHAEL MURPHY MAY HAVE BEEN TARGETED WITH BLACK WIDOW TERRORISM

By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / December 15, 2011

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Terrorist alarm bells went off at the Department of Homeland Security when it was notified by Bath Iron Works in Bath, Maine that the shipbuilder had discovered about two dozen black widow spiders in a shipment of vertical launch system components from the West Coast. The spiders forced them to fumigate a warehouse and the USS Michael Murphy, a navy destroyer that is under construction.

It was only last October when Homeland Security and the FBI investigated a possible terrorist link to “a plague of black widow spiders” in Tulsa, Oklahoma that resulted in double the number of bites than those that are normally reported.

In a joint news conference on Wednesday, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and FBI Director Robert S. Mueller, III announced that until proven otherwise, this latest black widow outbreak would be treated as a possible terrorist attack.

When asked about the Tulsa outbreak, Mueller told the reporter that the FBI had not yet completed its investigation. So far, according to Mueller, “65 FBI agents have worked full-time with countless hours of overtime, interviewing nearly 400 people about the Tulsa black widow outbreak.”

When asked how much the Tulsa investigation was costing the taxpayers, Mueller replied that he did not have an exact amount, but considering all the overtime, travel expenses and other investigative expenses, he estimated that the cost would easily exceed $1.5 million.

Napolitano interjected that, although the cost was high, she was sure “the American people understand that we cannot skimp pennies in protecting the country from acts of terrorism.”

As for the spiders discovered at the Bath Iron Works, Napolitano wanted to assure the American public that the FBI, together with state and local authorities, would leave no stone unturned to determine if this latest black widow outbreak has been perpetrated by Islamic terrorists.

Napolitano repeated the promise she made after the Tulsa outbreak: “The full weight of the United States government will be brought down on those responsible if the multi-agency investigation showed the spider outbreaks to be the result of a terrorist plot. And if necessary, we will use the U.S. military to wipe out the black widows.”

Mueller again urged all Americans to be vigilant and to report any sightings of black widows to their local FBI office.

At the time of the Tulsa outbreak, civil rights activist Al Sharpton accused Director Mueller of racism for singling out blacks and demanded that white widows also be reported to the FBI. When Sharpton was informed that Mueller had once again urged all Americans to report any sightings of black widows to their local FBI office, he became visibly angry.

“It looks like Mueller, that damn racist, is at it again, singling out poor black widows to the exclusion of white widows,” said Sharpton. “I’m gonna have to go directly to my friend, President Obama, to get this straightened out.”