SECRET SERVICE POUNCES ON BABY AND MOTHER

By Ima Schmuck / The Schalotte / December 26, 2011

HONOLULU – On Christmas Day, four Secret Service agents pounced on a baby and his mother after eight-month-old Cooper Wall Wagner stuck his right hand in and grabbed the mouth of President Obama while he was visiting a Marine Corps base during his Hawaiian vacation.

Meredith Wagner, who had been holding her baby, and Cooper were whisked away by the sunglass-clad agents as the baby’s shocked father, Marine Capt. Greg Wagner, was left looking on in utter amazement.

The mother and baby were reported to be detained at the Honolulu headquarters of the Secret Service pending an investigation to determine if Cooper would be charged with assaulting the President of the United States and his mother with being an accessory to the assault.

The Schalotte contacted Mark Sullivan, Director of the Secret Service, and Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security, and asked them if the Secret Service agents might have overreacted in pouncing on the baby and his mother.

“Absolutely not,” said Sullivan. “The agents were responsible for protecting the president. They had no way of knowing whether or not the baby had some kind of poison in his hand. They acted prudently and will be awarded the Secret Service’s highest honor.”

Napolitano said she agreed with Director Sullivan. When asked why the baby and mother were being detained, Napolitano replied, “In cases like this, we have to take every precaution to make sure that the president was not the target of an assassination plot. If the investigation shows this to be the innocent act of an eight-month-old boy, he and his mother will be released.”

Both Sullivan and Napolitano said the investigation would be thorough and would take some time.

On the other hand, President Obama laughed the whole incident off, joking that the baby just liked his big nose.