By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / December 26, 2011
TEHRAN -- Saturday’s Houston Chronicle published an article by Matthew Tresaugue about the Asian black tiger prawn, a foot-long crustacean with a voracious appetite and a proclivity for disease, that has invaded the northern Gulf of Mexico, threatening prized native species, from crabs and oysters to smaller brown and white shrimp. Gulf shrimpers and oystermen already hurting from the BP oil spill as well as adverse ecological conditions, are worried that the black tiger prawns - which can grow up to 13 inches long - will wipe out their shrimp and oyster crop.
The Schalotte decided to investigate how this cannibalistic species from the western Pacific invaded the Gulf. We found several shrimpers that had caught black tigers and discovered several of them with Chinese tags on them. We then contacted Zhang Yesui, Ambassador of the People's Republic of China to the U.S. to inquire about the tags. Zhang asked us to wait while he made several phone calls to his homeland. After nearly an hour he had an answer for us.
Zhang explained that “my government shipped thousands of Asian black tiger prawns to our Iranian friends. You will have to contact the government of Iran for an explanation about how they ended up in the Gulf.”
Since they had previously granted us an interview, The Schalotte returned to Iran where we were granted another interview with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and with Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. The interviews were conducted with the help of Fereshteh Zamaani Fard, our trusted interpreter.
THE INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT AHMADINEJAD:
Q: Mr. President, thank you for giving The Schalotte another interview.
A: You are welcome since you are not a Jew.
Q: Now Mr. President, the Northern Gulf of Mexico has been invaded by Asian black tiger prawns that are destroying America’s shrimp and oyster crop. The Chinese have told The Schalotte that the black tigers found in the Gulf had been shipped to Iran. Could you please explain how they ended up in the Gulf.
A: No problem Mr. Schweinehund. We sent two of our super trawlers to the Gulf and dumped the black tigers along the coast for 100 kilometers east and 100 kilometers west of New Orleans.
Q: Wow! Why did Iran to that?
A: I’ll be happy to tell you why. The United States – the Great Satan – has imposed sanctions on us because we will not stop the nuclear program that we are developing for peaceful purposes only. Your country has prevented companies from trading with Iran and has frozen millions of dollars that are deposited in your banks. Those sanctions have hurt the Iranian people. So, we are going to hurt your people too and dumping the black tiger prawns is one way of doing that.
Q: So you dumped the black tigers in the Gulf in retaliation for the sanctions?
A: Exactly! And if your government doesn’t like it, well, it can just … how do you say it in America …take a flying fuck!
Q: Thank you Mr. President.
THE INTERVIEW WITH SUPREME LEADER AYATOLLAH ALI KHAMENEI:
Q: Thank you your holiness for giving The Schalotte another interview.
A: You are welcome since you are not a Jew. May the curse of Allah be on the Jews!
Q: Now sir, your government has admitted dumping thousands of Asian black tiger prawns in the Gulf of Mexico in retaliation for the sanctions imposed on Iran by the American government. That is going to hurt the American people because those prawns are destroying America’s shrimp and oyster crop. Your holiness, doesn’t that go against the teachings of the holy Quran?
A: Not at all young man! The holy Quran teaches us to deal harshly with our enemies. Not only that, but the bible of the filthy Jews that you Christians also follow, calls for an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. May the curse of Allah be on the Jews! So our retaliation against the Great Satan has the blessings of Allah.
Q: Thank you again for giving us another opportunity to interview you, your holiness.
A: You are welcome. May the blessings of Allah be with you.
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