RELEASE OF WILD ANIMALS NOT A TERRORIST ACT

by Adolf der Schweinehund / October 27, 2011

ZANESVILLE, Ohio – During a joint news conference in Zanesville, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller and Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz tried to assure the public that the October 18 release of 48 wild animals was not a terrorist act and that Terry Thompson, owner of the animals, had no connection to any terrorist network.

Thompson released 48 dangerous animals from his wild-animal preserve, including lions, tigers, bears and wolves, before taking his own life. After an all-night hunt by Lutz’s deputies, most of the animals had been found and killed.

The possibility that Thompson was a terrorist came about after several of his neighbors called the FBI to report that on numerous occasions they had heard Thompson shout ‘Allah Akbar’ and ‘Sharia.’

Napolitano told reporters that the Department of Homeland Security takes all such reports seriously. She directed Mueller to conduct an intensive investigation into Thompson’s possible terrorist connections and to spare no resources in the effort.

Mueller told the reporters that a weeklong investigation by a special terrorism task force of 30 FBI agents had uncovered that what the neighbors heard was Thompson yelling at two tigers named ‘Allah’ and ‘Akbar,’ and at a lion named ‘Sharia.’

When asked how much the weeklong FBI investigation cost, Mueller replied, “$270,000.” When reporters suggested that $270,000 was an exorbitant amount just to discover that Thompson had been calling out to his animals, Napolitano bristled, “We can’t defend ourselves against terrorism on the cheap.”

Sheriff Lutz advised the public not to give their pets and children any names that could possibly be associated with terrorism. Lutz stated that Thompson naming a couple of his tigers ‘Allah’ and ‘Akbar’ and a lion ‘Sharia’ was a really bad idea.

Napolitano said Lutz was right and that she would have Homeland Security publish a booklet with a list of names that parents of newborns and pet owners should avoid. She said the booklet will be published in both English and Spanish and would be distributed to the public free of charge.