Monday, July 29, 2013


The Onion / July 29, 2013

VATICAN CITY—Following Pope Francis’ tolerant remarks Sunday about homosexuals and the Catholic Church, Vatican officials reportedly went into crisis mode, announcing that the Pope’s thoughtful message of understanding was clearly taken out of context.

“It is not the official stance of the Pope or the Catholic Church that all people of good will who seek the Lord, especially gay people, should be accepted by Christ,” a visibly nervous Vatican spokesman told reporters, adding that the Holy Father was clearly tired after his long trip to Brazil and never meant for his comments to sound caring or realistic. “Homosexuality is a disorder. And this in no way means that, going forward, the Catholic Church will be an open-minded, more sensible organization. I assure you we are just as prejudiced and backward today as we were yesterday. Thank you.”

According to an anonymous source close to the Vatican, the Pope is currently being yelled at by Church officials, who are telling him, “You don’t just go off script like that. Who the fuck do you think you are?”

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


The New England Journal of Medicine reports that a research team led by Dr. Becky Briesacher, Assistant Professor of Medicine in the Division of Geriatric Medicine, University of Massachusetts Medical School, has uncovered a previously unrecognized medical condition affecting mostly seniors, but not exclusively so. The newly recognized condition has been given the name, Exhaustipation.

The research team concluded that when seniors suffer from Exhaustipation, it may just be the result of getting old. The researchers found that when the condition occurred in patients under the age of 60, it resulted from a lack of sufficient sleep.

Dr. Briesacher described Exhaustipation as a condition wherein a person is too tired to give a shit.

Sunday, July 21, 2013


A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud- hailer (bullhorn) and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America! To reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's!"

The entire crew of the destroyer doubles-over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other 20 million are already there!"

Saturday, July 20, 2013


The Onion / July 19, 2013

WASHINGTON—Following Thursday’s announcement that the city had declared bankruptcy, reports are confirming that Detroit may suddenly descend into a horrifying, depopulated hellscape, one with numerous dilapidated buildings, rampant urban decay, a failing education system, near-constant drug-related homicides, and a downtown area that looks virtually abandoned.

“I fear that, very soon, we may be looking at a city that is completely and utterly unrecognizable from its booming heyday of the 1950s,” said the report’s lead author, Professor Robert Fuchs, noting that Detroit may see its population plunge to half its size amidst a mass exodus of desperate and unemployed residents. “Its citizens might as well enjoy the city while they can, because soon enough they’re going to be living in an uninhabitable wasteland where the police take nearly an hour to get to the scene of a crime, the poverty rate is three times that of the national average, and vacant warehouses look like they’ve been attacked by mortar shells.”

Fuchs added that even Detroit’s once dominant auto industry could very well be transformed into a depressing, broken-down husk of its former self.

Thursday, July 18, 2013


Harry Fairweather got so excited as the prize was being presented, he suffered a fatal heart attack

By Pamela Putz

The Unconventional Gazette / July 18, 2013

LAWTON, Oklahoma – Lawton resident Harry Fairweather was awarded the Publisher's Clearing House $5,000 A Week ‘Forever’ prize. The ‘Prize Patrol’ brought the good news to the 103-year- old winner at Comanche County Memorial Hospital where he has been hospitalized in critical condition for a week following a series of strokes and a near-fatal heart attack.

On Friday, when Publisher's Clearing House executive director Dave Sayer started to present him with his first 11 week's worth of payments - a check for $5,000 and another for $50,000 – Fairweather became excited and suffered a fatal heart attack. Doctor Jodilyn Aquino, his attending physician, said the excitement was too much for him and brought about the fatal heart attack.

The ‘forever’ portion of the award means the winner will choose a friend or relative to continue receiving payments after his eventual death, for the remainder of his or her own life.

Unfortunately, Fairweather died before he could name a friend or relative to receive the forever payments. Sayer told reporters that no prize money would be awarded because the prize rules had not been complied with.

Atwell Butteerworth, attorney for Harold Fairweather, the deceased winner’s oldest son, announced Tuesday that his client has filed a $25 million lawsuit against Publisher’s Clearing House, Dave Sayer, and those who participated in the Prize Patrol for directly causing the death of Harry Fairweather. “These people had no right to barge into the critical care unit and they should have known their presence would be too much for his heart to take,” said Butterworth.

Fisticuffs between men and hair-pulling among women broke out several times at a Monday gathering of Fairweather’s survivors during arguments over who should be entitled to the prize money. Calm was restored when all agreed to file a lawsuit against Publisher’s Clearing House and Dave Sayer.

At press time, prominent Dallas, Texas litigator Andrew Yung of the Yung Keithly law firm announced he had been engaged by Fairweather’s survivors to secure the prize money from Publisher’s Clearing House. “The Prize Patrol never gave Mr. Fairweather an opportunity to designate a recipient for the prize money,” said Yung. “Dave Sayer and the other members of the Prize Patrol may have known that in all the excitement, a critically ill Mr. Fairweather would be likely to suffer a fatal heart attack.”

Wednesday, July 17, 2013


The Onion / July 17, 2013

AMMAN, JORDAN—Arriving in the Middle East today for top-level negotiations with Palestinian and Israeli officials, a man who could not even devise a way to beat George W. Bush in a head-to-head vote will spend the next several days attempting to bring a peaceful resolution to the most intractable global conflict of the modern era, State Department sources confirmed.

“We are confident that [this person who managed to win just 19 states against George W. Bush, even in the midst of two highly unpopular and costly foreign wars] will be able to establish a framework to bring about lasting peace in the Middle East,” said State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki, stating that the diplomat, who was actually deemed by the American populace to be a worse option than four more years of an administration led by a former baseball team owner and Dick Cheney, could provide the leadership necessary to resolve the bitter, bloody conflict that has raged for more than six decades. “[The individual whose sole goal for more than a year was to make the simple case that he would do a better job than one of the most disliked and poorly rated politicians of all time, and who decisively failed at this singular task] will lay out his bold vision for a road map to peace, and it’s one that we believe both Israelis and Palestinians will be very receptive to. Our best hope for a safe, prosperous Middle East lies with [a guy who came in second to a former substance abuser who nearly choked to death on a pretzel].”

Sources throughout Israel and the Palestinian territories said they were optimistic about a peace deal, saying they were eager to hear the ideas of the husband of a powerful food-processing heiress.

Saturday, July 13, 2013


Petition for removal states Rush demeans women, people of color, immigrants, the working class, and the LGBT community

By Ima Schmuck

The Unconventional Gazette / July 13, 2012

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. -- A year ago Rush Limbaugh was inducted into the Hall of Famous Missourians. His bronze bust sits in the state capitol alongside the busts of Mark Twain, Harry Truman, Walt Disney and other famous Missourians. Limbaugh was born in 1951 in Cape Girardeau, Mo. but moved away from the state in 1972.

A petition urging Democratic Gov. Jay Nixon, Republican Lt. Gov. Peter Kinder and the Republican-controlled legislature to "flush Rush," was signed by 6,000 Missourians and posted on the far-left website

The petition was started by Rush Limbaugh critic Heather Woodside, who was appalled to see his bust in the state capitol. Woodside, a St. Louis woman, referred to Limbaugh as a ‘big fat hatemongering windbag’ and told the Unconventional Gazette that “He does not represent Missourians because he called [Georgetown University law student] Sandra Fluke a ‘slut’ just because she demanded that Georgetown University [a Catholic school] provide students with contraceptives to offset the unaffordable expense of birth control pills.”

When contacted by The Unconventional Gazette, Gov. Nixon had no comment.

Lt. Gov. Kinder said “This is ridiculous. We’re not going to let 6,000 liberals evict one of America’s most outstanding conservatives. I will make sure Rush’s bust will be kept in its rightful place in our great state capitol, right along with Mark Twain, Harry Truman, Scott Joplin, Walt Disney and the other Hall of Famers.”

Speaker of the House Timothy Jones said “If 6,000 liberal Democrats think they are going to succeed in having Rush’s bust removed, they are a bunch of crazy fools. Our state is proud to be the birthplace of Rush, one of America’s true patriots, a beacon of conservatism.”

Mary Lee Baumgarten, 32, an avowed liberal from St. Louis, said “Those Republicans must have been drunk when they elected that blowhard to the Hall of Fame. He is a despicable woman hater. His bust doesn’t belong in the capitol … it belongs in a garbage heap!”

Benjamin Franklin Mosier, 57, a proud Limbaugh dittohead from Joplin, said “If they’re going to move Rush’s bust anywhere it’ll be to the rotunda of Congress, or better yet, to the White House. There are thousands of my fellow dittoheads ready to surround the capitol and defend our hero’s bust.”

Rachael Finkelstien, 20, a University of Missouri sophomore majoring in social work, said “Rush Limbaugh represents everything that is reprehensible in America. He is a fascist hatemonger. He really hates women. He hates gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders. I could go on and on, but all I want to add is that his bust should be melted down and dumped down a sewer.”

Henry ‘Hank’ McBride, 76, a dittohead from Jefferson City and leader of the local Tea Party, said “I am really pissed off at the Democrats for what they are trying to do to our great leader. Rush stands up for America and he’ll be the last man standing up for America. If he were president this country wouldn’t be in the mess it’s in right now. First he’d round up all them illegals and ship ’em back to Mexico. Then he’d round up all them Muslims and ship ’em off to Gitmo. Then he’d throw all them greedy Jew bankers in prison. Flush Rush? Hell no! Rush for president, hell yes!”

Joshua Blankenship, 48, a sociology professor at the University of Missouri, said “I was one of the first to sign the petition and I’ve urged all my students to sign it. Rush Limbaugh is an example of all that is wrong with America. His type of conservatism reminds me of Mussolini’s fascism. Come to think of it, he struts around and makes the same facial expressions like Mussolini did. Rush Limbaugh’s bust doesn’t belong in our capitol, it belongs in the Hatemongers Hall of Fame.”

Jake ‘Bubba’ Brown, 34, from the Missouri Ozarks town of Poplar Bluff said, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about and I don’t give a rat’s ass. Limbaugh, bimbo, who gives a shit. I just want to go fishing.”


Oakland’s KTVU news anchor Tori Campbell reported Friday that the National Transportation Safety Board had confirmed the names of the crashed 777 Asiana Flight 214 pilots as Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk and Bang Ding Ow.

Apparently Campbell was given the script with those names just before the broadcast and she did not have a chance to read it beforehand. When they discovered that they had been the victims of a prank, Campbell and KTVU officials apologized profusely both on the air and online for broadcasting the racially-insensitive names, but insisted they had been given the names by the NTSB.

After several denials by the NTSB, the agency finally admitted that it had submitted the bogus names to KTVU. The NTSB blamed the hoax on a summer intern. It also apologized and explained that the intern did not realize the names were offensive and was "acting in good faith and trying to be helpful" [to the media].

It appears as though the NTSB intern forgot to mention that Asiana Airlines flight instructor Wae Tu Slo was also in the cockpit of Flight 214.

Friday, July 12, 2013


Police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 120 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes, 25 trafficked Korean prostitutes and 17 bodies buried in a makeshift grave in the cellar -- all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Avenue.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked. We never knew we had a library."


‘The Giant Monsters And Robots Look Fucking Amazing,’ Says Fed Chief

The Onion / July 11, 2013

WASHINGTON—The U.S. stock market soared to record highs Thursday with the Dow industrial average rallying 144 points after Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke’s reassuring remarks that the gigantic monsters and robots in the summer blockbuster Pacific Rim looked “super fucking cool.”

“I’m quite optimistic that for the foreseeable future, no other movie will even come close to topping the killer fucking battle scenes between those badass robots and crazy sea monster things,” said Bernanke, who guaranteed that investors would not be wasting their money on the upcoming Guillermo del Toro action film, claiming that the awesome CGI effects were totally worth paying “three extra measly bucks to see it in 3D.” “Have you seen the Hellboy movies? That guy comes up with totally crazy creatures. And you actually get to see goddamn robots, unlike those lame-ass Transformers movies. So much shit gets destroyed. Just a great popcorn flick.”

At press time, Wall Street continued to have unprecedented gains after Bernanke announced that the film’s star, Charlie Hunnam, “has ‘Next Big Thing’ written all over him.”

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?”

Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife Laura doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

Monday, July 8, 2013


'You Don’t Want To Lose Your Confidence,' Agency Says

The Onion / July 8, 2013

WASHINGTON—Claiming that such incidents can “really mess with your head if you’re not careful,” Federal Aviation Administration officials on Monday urged Lee Kang-kook, the Asiana Airlines pilot who crash-landed a commercial airliner at San Francisco International Airport last weekend, to get back out there and start flying again.

“The more you dwell on this one crash, the more you’ll start second-guessing yourself, so the best thing to do right now is to just put last Saturday behind you, get back into the cockpit, and find your wings again, bud,” FAA head Michael Huerta told Kang-kook, stressing that for the sake of his confidence, right now would be “the absolute worst time to quit.” “You think every pilot is perfect at flying these Boeing 777s right away? You just have to accept that these crashes are part and parcel of the learning process and not let one bad landing get in your head. You’ll only get better with more practice. After all, how are you ever going to get better if you quit now, ya big goof?”

Huerta added that it would be “a real shame” for Kang-kook to give up now, since he is still only 11 flights away from getting his license to fly 777 aircrafts.

Sunday, July 7, 2013


Farmers and other bestiality practitioners celebrate historic 6-3 decision

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In Snodgrass, et. al. vs. State of California, a 6-3 majority of Justices agreed that in view of the Court’s 2013 decision recognizing gay marriage (by overturning the Defense of Marriage Act and California’s Proposition 8), they saw no reason why a marriage between humans and animals should not also be recognized.

The majority decision was written by Chief Justice Sonia Sotomayor and concurred in by 92-year-old Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Elena Kagan, Eric Himpton Holder, Jr., Wendy Russell Davis and Cory Anthony Booker. Associate Justices John G. Roberts, Jr., Clarence Thomas and Samuel Anthony Alito, Jr. dissented.

Ginsburg, 92, was appointed by former President Bill Clinton. Sotomayor and Kagan were appointed by former President Barack Obama. Davis (best known for her 11-hour filibuster in the Texas Senate against abortion restrictions), former Attorney General Holder and former New Jersey Senator Booker were appointed by President Hillary Clinton.

Thomas was appointed by President George H. W. Bush. Alito and Roberts were appointed by President George W. Bush.

The longstanding fight by Gary and his Little Lamb has finally been realized. Gary Snodgrass is now free to marry his Little Lamb. And Mary Galloway, who was a co-plaintiff in his suit against the State of California, will now marry her beloved Labrador, Lucky.

Both Snodgrass and Galloway were turned away by the County Clerk at San Francisco city hall when Gary and his Little Lamb and Mary and Lucky attempted to apply for marriage licenses. They were told that the State did not, nor did any other state, recognize such unions. When they appealed to the mayor of San Francisco, he encouraged them to file their lawsuit.

Snodgrass was elated with the Supreme Court’s decision, saying that he and Little Lamb had been romantically involved for many years. Galloway was beside herself. “Finally I get to marry my longtime companion Lucky,” she said. “I’ve had sex with many men, but none of them have come close to satisfying me the way Lucky does. And all Lucky ever wants from me is for me to feed him and love him.”

San Francisco mayor Sam Brownlee said, “I’m happy for Gary and Little Lamb and for Mary and Lucky, and I would be honored to conduct their marriage ceremonies.

Hidalgo County, Texas resident Cirilo Castillo, who has been jailed repeatedly since 2012 for having sex with a horse named Nadia, said he was “muy feliz” with the decision, but then he broke out in tears and rattled off something in Spanish. An interpreter told reporters Castillo was saying that the decision came too late for him and the mare because his beloved Nadia died last year.

Farmers in particular were very pleased with the Supreme Court decision and Democrats generally supported it. Republicans, Christian conservatives, the Catholic Church and most protestant clergymen and Jewish rabbis were outraged by the decision.

Tony Perkins, president of The Family Research Council, blasted the decision. “The FRC will martial its forces to pressure Congress into overturning this ungodly and anti-Christian decision,” said Perkins. “When the court recognized gay marriage, it all but destroyed the sanctity of marriage and this latest decision has put the final nail in its coffin.”

Friday, July 5, 2013


The Onion / June 28, 2013

CHICAGO—Over the course of the 45-minute victory parade held Friday morning to celebrate the Chicago Blackhawks’ NHL championship, the Stanley Cup sustained nearly a dozen gunshot wounds, city police officials have confirmed.

“Multiple gun-wielding individuals, all appearing to operate independently, fired approximately 25 shots at the trophy, resulting in 11 direct hits,” said Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy, who confirmed the famous trophy’s injuries may leave many of the names of past champions engraved upon it permanently illegible, including the entire roster of the 1999 Dallas Stars. “We are seeking any information regarding the current whereabouts of the Cup’s assailants, as well as the identities of the 1.3 million revelers facing charges of public intoxication.”

Parade coordinators reportedly elected to continue the rally, stating that the crowds of Chicagoans did not seem at all fazed by the gunfire.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013


BarkGrowlBite / July 3, 2013

After NYPD was accused of manipulating crime statistics to make itself look good and the city appear safe, Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly appointed a committee of former prosecutors to investigate the allegations.

The committee's report has just been released. The investigators found a significant amount of misreporting. However, instead of putting the blame on the deliberate manipulation of crime statistics, the report attributed the misreporting to human error.

For instance, in one case a man was beaten up by a pack of thugs who ran off with his belongings. Instead of reporting it as a robbery, the crime was classified as ‘lost property.’

Lost property? Hey, wait a minute! Come to think of it, that's actually correct. Since the cops will never recover the victim's belongings, those belongings are lost property.

See, that was not a 'human error' after all. And, by using the same logic, neither was it a manipulation of crime statistics.

And classifying a forcible rape as 'illegal entry' seems perfectly logical to me.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013


An American Airlines flight is on its way from Atlanta to Toronto when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The Flight Attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to return and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “This Georgia Peach is going to Toronto and I’m staying right here because it's much more comfortable than back there.”

The Flight Attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the Captain and the First Officer that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The First Officer goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat in the back.

The blonde replies, “This Georgia Peach is going to Toronto and I’m staying right here because it's much more comfortable than back there.”

The First Officer returns to the cockpit and tells the Captain that, since she won’t listen to reason, they should radio ahead and have the police waiting to arrest this blonde bimbo when they arrive in Toronto.

The Captain says, “You say she’s a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde!

The Captain goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear.

She says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” Then she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The Flight Attendant and First Officer are amazed and asked the Captain what he said to make her move without any fuss.

He said that he told her, “First class isn’t going to Toronto.”

Monday, July 1, 2013


The Onion / July 1, 2013

CHICAGO—Reiterating the organization’s oral health care guidelines at a press conference Friday, a spokesperson for the American Dental Association reminded all Americans to make their gums hurt really bad once each day.

“In addition to brushing your teeth twice daily with an ADA-accepted fluoride toothpaste, to maintain optimal dental hygiene, we recommend that you make your gums ache like hell every day—and we mean really make them sting,” said ADA Consumer Advisor Ada S. Cooper, who stated that optimal oral health was best achieved through abrading and irritating the gumline until it became impossible to drink cold water without wincing in pain. “Too many people skip the crucial step of causing their gums to burn and throb, but it is vitally important to get in there each night and just rub those things raw. Basically, if you have to hold your hand up to your jaw afterwards and massage your gums to assuage the pain, then you’re on the right path to a happy, healthy mouth.”

Cooper reminded Americans that the easiest way to determine whether they were scraping their gums properly was to check whether they could both see and taste blood.