Saturday, September 29, 2012


The Onion / September 24, 2012

CHARLESTON, WV—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Monday, the overwhelming majority of rural white Americans said they would rather vote for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than U.S. president Barack Obama.

“I like him better,” said West Virginia resident Dale Swiderski, who, along with 77 percent of rural Caucasian voters, confirmed he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a beer with Ahmadinejad, a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed, than spend time with Obama. “He takes national defense seriously, and he’d never let some gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does.”

According to the same Gallup poll, 60 percent of rural whites said they at least respected that Ahmadinejad doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s Muslim.

For more on this story:

By Alex Kantrowitz

September 28, 2012

In what almost feels like an Onion story itself, Iran’s Fars News Agency picked up a story from The Onion today, apparently not knowing the story was satirical. The Onion article ‘reports’ that rural whites prefer Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to President Barack Obama, and would rather vote for Ahmadinejad if given the chance. Fars has since removed the post.

The Onion story is littered with outrageous laugh lines, some of which clearly poke fun at Ahmadinejad. One such line quotes a fake West Virginia resident and tells readers “he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a beer with Ahmadinejad, a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed, than spend time with Obama.”

Gallup, a well-respected polling service, also receives a mention. The post mentions one their polls, also fake, which finds “60 percent of rural whites said they at least respected that Ahmadinejad doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s Muslim.” When asked for comment, a Gallup spokesperson told Voted Up [a Forbes blog] she would rather not speak about the article. “Gallup has no comment about the satirical material published on The Onion,” the spokesperson wrote in an email.

The Onion, on the other hand, could hardly contain its glee. Appending its original post, The Onion linked to a screenshot of Fars’ story and wrote “For more on this story: Please visit our Iranian subsidiary organization, Fars.”

Asked for further comment, an Onion spokesperson sent Voted Up a statement from Onion editor Will Tracy:

__“The Iranian news agency, Fars, is a subsidiary of The Onion. They have acted as our Middle Eastern bureau since the mid 1980s, when the Onion’s publisher, T. Herman Zweibel, founded Fars with the government approval of the late Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini. The Onion freely shares content with Fars and commends the journalists at Iran’s Finest News Source on their superb reportage.”

Something tells us Fars will not be adding that statement to its ‘About Us’ page.


The Onion / September 28, 2012

NEW YORK—Following his speech to the United Nations General Assembly this week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Friday that he is “pretty satisfied” with his trip to the U.S. to instigate World War III.

“All in all, I think I accomplished my goal of pushing humanity toward the brink of complete and utter annihilation,” said Netanyahu, adding that his implicit calls for international military action against Iran, which would ultimately escalate the conflict to an Armageddon-level of death and destruction, went “fairly well.” “I think I did a good job laying the groundwork for a nuclear holocaust that will kill billions of people and eventually end the world as we know it. Sounded like everyone really liked it, too.”

When reached for comment, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told reporters that he was “equally happy” with his own efforts to nudge the world slightly closer to a full-blown apocalypse.

Thursday, September 27, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / September 27, 2012

According to columnist Bernard Goldberg:

During her recent concert in Washington, D.C., Madonna told her adoring fans to vote for Obama.

"And now it is so amazing and incredible to think that we have an African-American in the White House," she said. "Y'all better vote for fucking Obama, OK? For better or for worse, all right?"

The crowd cheered. And when the adoration died down, Madonna continued.

"We have a black Muslim in the White House," she said. "Now that is some shit. That is amazing shit. It means there is hope in this country."

After the endorsement, Madonna took off her shirt and pulled down her pants to reveal the name "OBAMA" written in all capital letters across her lower back.

"When Obama is in the White House for a second term I'll take it all off," she said, before treating her fans to a sexy version of "Like a Virgin."

Monday, September 24, 2012


The Onion / September 21, 2012

LOS ANGELES—The nation’s hunchbacked, out-of-breath iPhone users lined up outside Apple stores throughout the country today to purchase the new iPhone 5, which boasts a widely anticipated slimmed down, lighter design that promises to no longer irreversibly misshape the curvature of users’ spines.

“I’m really excited for the iPhone 5’s 4G connectivity and the fact that it won’t dislocate my shoulder whenever I pick it up to answer it,” said severely disfigured graphic artist Gabe Brittell, 32, huffing and puffing under the weight of the hefty previous version of the device that he had strapped to his back via strong, braided nylon cords. “Finally a thinner model that won’t shatter my hip and take 20 years off my life by permanently deforming my torso and vertebrae!”

Executives said they anticipated sales of the iPhone 5 to be down compared to previous years, citing the roughly 2 million Apple fans who have been crushed to death under the iPhone 4S.

Friday, September 21, 2012


By Chuck Shepherd

Chuck Shepherd’s News of the Weird / September 21, 2012

Italy's highest court ruled in July that one man's telling another, in front of others, that he has "no balls" can be criminal conduct that warrants payment of damages. Said Judge Maurizio Fumo, such a comment places at issue male virility as well as competence and character.

In August, after an eight-day trial, a court in Hamburg, Germany, awarded money damages to a man who called another an "asshole" ("arschloch") in a parking-space dispute and fixed the payment at the equivalent of about $75,000. (Courts in Germany can base the amount of damages on the transgressor's income.) [ANSA (Rome) via Daily Telegraph (London), 8-1-2012] [The Local (Berlin), 8-23-2012]


By Argus Hamilton / Jewish World Review / September 21, 2012

Obama couldn't answer a question about the national debt Tuesday. China lends us the money, which is given to government dependents, who spend it at Wal-Mart, which buys everything from China. The money circles so fast that last week it formed a tornado that blew the hair off the roof of the William Shatner Theater in Phoenix.

France closed twenty of its embassies across the Muslim world Friday after a French comic magazine ran a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed. That's not all. In addition, the French security service raised the nation's terror alert level from collaborate to surrender.

A Pakistani man died inhaling the smoke of the U.S. flag he was burning in Islamabad Monday. They can't win. If they inhale the polyester flags made in China they die, and if they inhale the hemp flags from Kentucky they can't remember what they're protesting.

NFL defensive players praised the replacement refs Friday, saying they don't whistle every little infraction. The defenders say they allow the players to play the game. One player was killed after being tackled last week when the referee gave him a thumbs-down.

Justice Department officials resigned over the failure of Operation Fast and Furious Tuesday. They sold Mexican drug dealers guns equipped with GPS to try to track them. Just our luck, the GPS only served to tell the shooter when there was a drug agent on the next block.

The GOP released old video Tuesday of President Obama admitting he was in favor of wealth redistribution, in response to the Democrats releasing old video of Romney admitting he was a capitalist. This is nothing. Forty years from now, presidential candidates will have partied with Prince Harry and there will be cell-phone video of that.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / September 18, 2012

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, ”Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT GOD?"

This time a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

Monday, September 17, 2012


The Onion / September 12, 2012

SAN FRANCISCO—With CEO Tim Cook stating that desperate customers would surely “line up like idiots” to purchase the offensive product anyway, Apple announced today the release of the company’s new iPhone 5, which features the word “nigger” boldly embossed on its back.

“Sure, the new iPhone has the word ‘nigger’ printed right on it, but we all know you pathetic losers will still buy it in droves, because, hell, you’ll buy anything we put out,” Cook said in a press conference, describing the lightweight smartphone that will include a larger high-resolution display and have the racial slur printed in 36-point Helvetica font directly on its back, as well as on every accessory sold for the product. “Our technology ensures the word will brightly light up through whatever cover or sticker you may use in an attempt to obscure it, so don’t even try. You are all very stupid and sheeplike, and I will enjoy watching this play out.”

Cook followed the iPhone 5 announcement with a brief preview of the company’s updated iPad, which will feature a loud, unchangeable ringtone of Roseanne Barr repeatedly yelling “faggot.”

Saturday, September 15, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / September 15, 2012

It must have been a slow day on a Philadelphia cop’s beat. According to the UPI, Caroline Robboy was shopping with her 2-year-old son, Nathaniel, and other family members Sunday when the boy said he needed to potty. When she told a store employee that Nathaniel needed to use the bathroom she was told the store bathroom was not available to the public. When the family left the store, the potty-training toddler took matters into his own hands – he walked up to and peed on a light pole.

A cop happened to be nearby and gave the mother a ticket for Public Urination together with a parenting lecture. He told her, “I’m doing this for your own protection because God forbid there might have been a pervert out there looking at your son.” The ticket carries a $50 fine.

If President Obama can get the Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing to deserve it, then this numb-nuts cop ought to get the Philadelphia Officer of the Year award. Since Nathaniel clearly demonstrated that he belonged on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted list, I’m surprised that this no-nonsense cop didn’t cuff him and drag him off to be shipped to Guantanamo.

Thursday, September 13, 2012


The Onion / September 12, 2012

CHICAGO—Jubilant Chicago Public Schools officials announced Wednesday that, for three straight days now, there has not been a single act of student violence in any of the city’s 675 public schools.

“Our classrooms and hallways are safer now than they’ve ever been,” said CPS chief executive Jean-Claude Brizard, happily noting that there have been no reported instances of beatings, stabbings, sexual assaults, or shootings in any of the city’s public schools this week. “We’ve had no incidents of weapons being brought onto school property, nor has anyone had to break up a fistfight between students. We’ve all had to work together for this, but it’s paid off. Let’s keep it up!”

At press time, a gunfight on Chicago’s South Side had reportedly claimed the lives of three 16-year-old boys.

Monday, September 10, 2012


The president calls for his ultraliberal minions to join him in the godless slaughter of Jesus Christ and the advancement of eternal sin

The Onion / September 6, 2012

CHARLOTTE, NC—With the savage roar of the heathen Democratic horde rising all around him, President Barack Obama delivered an incendiary speech to close his party’s national convention Thursday night, commanding the ultraprogressive minions in attendance to help him “destroy Jesus and usher in a new age of liberal darkness that shall reign o’er the earth for a thousand years.”

The thunderous 45-minute address—during which the president argued for a second term so that he could “finally kill Jesus once and for all, as well as all those who worship him”—was well received by the frenzied, wild-eyed audience, whose piercing chants of “Four more years!” and “Slaughter the believers!” echoed throughout the Time Warner Cable Arena.

“My fellow Americans and godless infidels, I command you to join me as we cast an endless pall of far-left evil across the hills and valleys of our nation!” Obama bellowed from the stage, as thousands in attendance moaned in compliance and gyrated their hips and groins in a lascivious dance. “Together, as a barbarian people forged by the wicked flames of irreligiosity and united by visions of a liberal dystopia, we will rise up as one to scorch the earth with boundless amorality.”

“The streets shall run red with the blood of forced sodomy, performed daily upon every American man, woman, and child!” the commander-in-chief shouted, froth forming around his mouth as the crowd threw hundreds of aborted fetuses onto the stage. “Die, Christians, die!”

Slamming his fists on the lectern until his hands began to bleed, Obama proceeded to lay out a “three-point plan of sin and lechery” for his second term. If reelected, the president said, he would begin by banning organized religion entirely—starting with Christianity—and burning all churches to the ground, preferably “with their wretched, Jesus-loving congregants still huddled inside like rats.”

As members of the audience violently tugged at their genitals and howled like sex-starved, atheist wolves, Obama stated that his administration would then seek to make free, taxpayer-funded abortions legal at any stage of pregnancy, even up to one full year after birth, in order to supply his newly created “federal stem-cell harvesting plants” with raw materials.

In addition, the cackling president vowed to “end traditional marriage as we know it” by passing legislation that would allow only homosexuals to raise children, a longtime Democratic policy goal.

“A glorious new age of sinister, unconstrained liberalism is dawning! Oh, dear Satan, I can feel it coursing through my veins at this very moment!” shrieked Obama, ripping off his shirt to reveal an ornate tattoo of a pentagram, with a different homosexual act positioned at each of the star’s five points. “Agnosticism, contempt for human life, and radical sexual experimentation shall rule the day! Any good, virtuous, family-values-oriented Christian Americans who seek to topple our magnificent liberal kingdom of eternal darkness will be powerless to stop us! We will crush them!”

Added Obama, “Thank you, may Satan reward you all, and may God tremble in fear at the United States of America!”

The president was then handed an unbaptized, orphaned newborn baby drenched in the blood of 666 slaughtered Christians, which he handed over to its new, gleefully squealing homosexual parents.

Friday, September 7, 2012


By Bob Walsh

PACOVILLA Corrections blog / September 6, 2012

Mario Romero, 23, is a former criminal who is now a dead former criminal. Early Sunday he was shot to death by the Vallejo [California] PD because he made some really dumb-ass decisions.

Romero was on felony probation for carrying a concealed weapon. He was carrying a very realistic pellet gun, which is a violation of law and a violation of his probation. He was stopped by the cops in the early hours of Sunday on Pepper Drive. The cops were responding to a burglary call. They stopped head-on with the car Romero was driving and lit the interior up with their spotlights. The passenger, Joseph Johnson, 21, obeyed police orders and put his hands up. Romero instead reached for the gun in his waistband. The cops shot him. Several times. He died.

The dead criminal's family is of course screaming like mashed cats. They are asserting the cops blasted him without giving him a chance to comply. They seem to ignore the fact that the passenger, who isn’t dead, had plenty of time to comply and did so.

There seem to be a lot of people in the world who think that criminals have the right to commit crimes and the cops don’t have the right to arrest them, or to defend themselves. I guess the idea is the cops are supposed to let the criminals shoot first, just to make sure they have real guns.

There are a lot of dumb sonsofbitches walking around in the world.

Thursday, September 6, 2012


The Onion / September 4, 2012

CHARLOTTE, NC—With the 2012 Democratic National Convention now under way in Charlotte, Beltway observers are reporting that the mood inside the Time Warner Cable Arena remains spirited and optimistic, despite a noticeable lack of the delusional, completely-out-of-touch-with-reality magic that characterized the event four years ago.

"While it’s an honor to be here, I have to say the mood on the floor just doesn’t have that same exhilarating spark of runaway optimism and absolute detachment from reality that was so thrilling back in 2008," said Illinois delegate Erin Carol, referring to the last DNC, in which a record number of supporters came together as one under completely illusory ideals of hope and change. “I still support the president, of course, but admittedly I don’t quite feel as though I’m being caught up in this big, stirring wave of entirely imaginary progress the way I did four years ago.”

"Hopefully at some point the convention will start to recapture that old enchanting and utterly deceptive feeling that America is on the cusp of a better and brighter tomorrow," Carol added.

According to sources, none of the students in attendance appeared to be discussing proposals for college debt-relief with quite the same degree of unthinking, asinine fervor as they did in 2008, nor did the older convention-goers seem quite as transfixed by the magic spell of actually believing they could retire with financial stability.

Moreover, not a single woman has thus far beamed with a comparable level of unfounded hope at the prospect of an equal pay bill, or excitedly, albeit idiotically, discussed the possibility of not leaving behind a thoroughly ravaged planet for their children and grandchildren.

“Obviously, people are never going to be seized by the exact same patently bullshit sense of destiny they were last time around, but I would like to see this convention have at least a little more of the totally deceptive electricity we saw in Denver,” convention attendee David Lowell said. “I think maybe in the next day or two people will really start to build up to moronically thinking real change is finally on its way.”

Political analysts have said that if Obama wants to regain momentum, he must use the 2012 convention to reproduce the spirit of unexamined and wholly unearned confidence that propelled millions of deluded young people to the polls in 2008, and must persuade those who voted for him four years ago that their sad, childlike trust was not misplaced.

In addition, sources confirmed that in order to recapture the nonsensical, preposterous magic of Denver, DNC organizers will have to create a program in which starry-eyed promises of bipartisanship, economic recovery, and relief for the middle class will be received with the same feeling of moronic glee that pervaded Mile High Stadium.

"It's definitely going to be tough to restore the misguided enthusiasm and baseless belief in a new tomorrow to the levels we saw four years ago,” said 54-year-old Linda Morrison, an Obama campaign volunteer. "Then again, if Obama gives a great speech on Thursday, and really wows people with the stirring, if ultimately meaningless, power of his words, then maybe we can be filled with the kind of foolish idealism that carried us through in 2008.”

Added Morrison, “I’m certainly open to it.”

Wednesday, September 5, 2012


By Ima Schmuck

The Unconventional Gazette / September 5, 2012

Soon after he took office, President Barack Obama promised the Muslim world that, unlike his predecessor George W. Bush, he would be an honest broker in the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians. The Unconventional Gazette believes that, instead of being an honest broker, Obama has bullied the Israelis with demands and declarations that can only be described as pro-Palestinian.

TUG obtained an interview with the president concering the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Here is that interview with Mr. Obama:

TUG: Mr. President, thank you for taking the time out from your busy schedule by giving us this interview. Let us start out by asking you if you are anti-Semitic as some Jews and others have charged.

OBAMA: That is a despicable lie! Some of my best friends are Jews! My closest advisers, Rahm Emanuel and David Axelrod are Jews and so is one of my biggest contributors, George Soros.

TUG: In 2008, you told the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) policy conference that “Jerusalem will remain the capital of Israel and it must remain undivided.” But in July of this year, the White House declared that “It’s the view of this administration that the capital should be determined in final status negotiations between parties.” That says Jerusalem is not the capital of Israel.

OBAMA: Well you have to understand that when I made that statement to AIPAC, I was a candidate for the presidency and last July, I was speaking as the President. Both the Jews and the Arabs claim Jerusalem as their own and until that issue is settled neither side should be able to claim the Holy City as their capital.

TUG: Republicans and some Jews say that despite your promises of unwavering support for the Jewish state and its security, you have treated the Israeli government with hostility and scorn like no other American president has since Israel’s birth in 1948.

OBAMA: Another despicable lie! My commitment to Israel’s security is firm and unbreakable.

TUG: Then why did you say that the ’67 borders should be the starting point for any peace negotiations with the Palestinians, borders that would make it impossible for Israel to defend itself against attacking Arab armies?

OBAMA: It’s only right. The Jews occupied the West Bank and other Arab lands in 1967. I realize that it was as the result of a war. But the international community agrees that any lands conquered should be returned to the vanquished once the war has ended. Besides that, Israel has the most powerful army and air force in the Middle East.

TUG: But with the ’67 borders, Israel is only 8 miles wide at one point. In any war, an opposing army would be able to cut Israel in half.

OBAMA: Only 8 miles wide? Emanuel, Axelrod and Soros didn’t tell me that. Oh well, Israel’s army wouldn’t let anyone cut Israel in half.

TUG: You have consistently demanded concessions from Israel in any peace negotiations with the Palestinians, while refusing to ask for any concessions from the Palestinians.

OBAMA: Yes, I’ve done that, but only because that’s the only way I can get the Palestinians to negotiate with the Israelis. After all, it is Israel that is occupying Arab lands.

TUG: You have declared that the West Bank settlements - home to 500,000 Israelis – are illegal.

OBAMA: That’s right. That’s what the United Nations has declared. Those settlements are in the occupied West Bank sitting on Arab lands. The Jews should leave and when they do, Israel should not destroy the housing like it did when it forced settlers to leave the Gaza Strip. Those settlements should be left intact for Palestinian refugees.

TUG: Would you really have 500,000 Jews give up their homes?

Obama: Well, maybe not 500,000. 400,000 would be a reasonable number, but they would have to live under Palestinian rule.

TUG: But the Palestinians have declared that no Jews would be allowed to live in a Palestinian state.

OBAMA: They said that? Emanuel, Axelrod and Soros didn’t tell me that. Then I suppose all 500,000 settlers would have to leave.

TUG: It seems as though you have personally treated Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu as though he were the Head-of-State of one of our enemies rather than the leader of a state closely allied with America.

OBAMA: You bet I have! That damn Jew, I mean guy, cannot be trusted. Just ask former French President Sarkozy. And look how Netanyahu's government insulted Vice President Biden by announcing in the middle of Joe’s visit to Israel that they were going to build some new housing in East Jerusalem. That was a real slap in the face of the United States and the peace process.

TUG: But the Israeli government didn’t make that announcement. It was some Jerusalem city council committee that did it.

OBAMS: You don’t say. Emanuel, Axelrod and Soros didn’t tell me that. Well, anyway, I did not appreciate Netanyahu lecturing me during one of his visits.

TUG: Maybe Netanyahu was only trying to explain to you why your demands for concessions were threatening the security of Israel.

OBAMA: It was still a lecture and that was an insult to the American president. Besides that what does Netanyahu know about the security of Israel?

TUG: Mr. President, how can you claim to be an honest broker when it appears as though you have consistently taken pro-Palestinian positions?

OBAMA: To answer your question, all I can say is that Rahm Emanuel, David Axelrod and George Soros haven’t explained that to me yet.

TUG: One last question, Mr. President. You have called for the existence of two states, Israel and Palestine, living side by side in peace. While Palestinian Authority leader Mahmoud Abbas talks about a two-state solution whenever he addresses the international community in English, he has repeatedly vowed in Arabic that there can be only one state, a Palestinian state from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean Sea. How can Israel be expected to make peace with a people that have vowed to annihilate what they call the Zionist entity?

OBAMA: Abbas said that? Emanuel, Axelrod and Soros didn’t tell me that.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / September 4, 2012

Dr. Barbara Bellar, a family practice physician and candidate for the Illinois State Senate, District 18, sums up Obamacare in one long sentence:

We're going to be gifted with a health care plan we are forced to purchase, and fined if we don't, which purportedly covers at least 10 million new people without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it, and signed by a President who smokes, with funding administered by a Treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we will be taxed for 4 years before any benefits take effect by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare, all to be overseen by a Surgeon General who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke.

So what the blank could possibly go wrong?

Monday, September 3, 2012


The Onion / September 2, 2012

WASHINGTON—Back on the campaign trail this weekend following the Republican National Convention, vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan recommended more than $120 million in cuts to what he called the "excessive, wasteful, and frankly irresponsible" amount of money being spent to elect Mitt Romney.

"We're looking at upwards of $15,000 a day on hotel and restaurant expenses alone—there are any number things we need to just slash and hack here," Ryan told reporters Sunday, pointing to a bar graph outlining the budgets of the Romney campaign, the Republican Party, and various friendly super PACs. "This kind of runaway spending is unsustainable and has no place in our political system."

Ryan added that while normally he is only in favor of austerity measures for the poor and middle class, Romney's election funding was simply ridiculous.