Friday, August 31, 2012


The Onion / August 28, 2012

CHICAGO—According to the nation’s tastemakers and trendsetters, the city of Chicago is currently wrapped up in a hot new murder craze, with murders occurring almost every day of the week, and sometimes happening well into the night.

“The South Side, Cicero, and Englewood are some of the trendiest murder spots in the Windy City, with double or even triple homicides taking place on some of the hippest street corners and housing projects,” said trend expert Alyssa Mayrose, adding that while urban youths are at the cutting edge of the citywide craze, everyone, including middle-aged men and women, are getting caught up in Chicago’s “murder mania.”

“Some of the über-hip, very exclusive murders are happening in little tucked away places, like in the back alley of Lloyd’s Lounge in Riverdale. But if you are out on the town and want to find a murder, believe me, you don’t have to look that hard. Bottom line: If you’ve got a gun or a knife and you want to kill someone, Chicago is the place to be right now.”

Mayrose added that with the Chicago Police Department in complete and utter disarray, there is no indication that the cool, happening new trend of murdering people will end anytime soon.

Thursday, August 30, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / August 30, 2012

Dan was a single guy living at home with his widowed father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

Three months later, she became his stepmother.

Which just goes to show that women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / August 29, 2012

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%


11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%


1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%


2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND look how far ass-kissing will take you.

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass-Kissing that will put you over the top.

Oh, and there is also

23+8+15+25+15+21+11+14+15+23 = 170%

Now you know why some people are where they are!

Saturday, August 25, 2012


The Onion / August 24, 2012

WASHINGTON—Faced with shrinking tax revenues and decreased public spending, the Department of Education announced Friday the 2012-2013 academic year would need to be radically shortened from 180 days to six.

"The first day, of course, will be spent learning names, handing out textbooks, assigning lockers, and so forth, but on day two, we'll hit the ground running, covering all of history by lunch and hopefully squeezing in the entire language-arts curriculum before the final bell rings," said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, adding that any student caught misbehaving would be given three seconds of detention after class. "That will leave the rest of the week free for an intensive program of math and science designed to help American children develop the skills they would already have if they lived in just about any other industrialized nation."

Duncan acknowledged not much would get done on day six, as students tend to be distracted on the last day of school, and they would in any event be worn out from the previous day's homecoming, talent show, SATs, winter semiformal, prom, finals, and commencement exercises.

Friday, August 24, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / August 24, 2012

At a meeting of the International College of Organ Transplant Surgeons in Vienna, doctors revealed the latest advances in transplant surgery.

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take one-fourth of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Japanese doctor chimes in with: “Ha, that’s not nearly as good as what we’ve done in Japan; we take one-half of the brain out of a person and put it into another person’s head, and in 3 weeks he’s looking for work.”

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind the USA on November 4, 2008, we grabbed a person from Chicago with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States , and now....... the whole country is looking for work.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / August 22, 2012

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9% .

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.


ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Obama economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


The inventions of beer and the wheel split mankind into Liberal and Conservative subgroups

By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Unconventional Gazette / August 21, 2012

For those that don't know about the history of mankind ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of mankind into two distinct subgroups:

Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, trust-funders, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud, Coors or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. They are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing for people who wouldn't work.

Here ends today's lesson on the history of mankind.

Monday, August 20, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / August 20, 2012

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you’d probably do the following:

In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your testicles are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Walmart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90s: This started out to be a good day. I woke up this morning and didn't smell any fresh dirt.

Saturday, August 18, 2012


They should have been imprisoned for murdering music and dance, not for hooliganism

by BarkGrowlBite

According to the Associated Press, Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, 22, Maria Alekhina, 24, and Yekaterina Samutsevich, 30, members of the Pussy Riot punk rock band, were arrested in March for a February 21 guerrilla performance in Moscow's main Orthodox cathedral where they high-kicked and danced while singing a "punk prayer" pleading with the Virgin Mary to save Russia from Vladimir Putin, who was elected to a third term as Russia's president two weeks later.

Prosecution witnesses accused the women of sacrilege and "devilish dances" in church and said that their feminist views made them hate the Orthodox religion. Church officials were particularly offended by the song ‘Holy Shit.’

On Friday, a Moscow judge sentenced the three pun rock feminists to two years in prison for hooliganism. Judge Marina Syrova said in her verdict that the band members "committed hooliganism driven by religious hatred." The judge did not buy their argument that they were protesting the Orthodox Church's support for Putin and didn't intend to offend religious believers.

The arrests and now the verdict have led to world-wide condemnations and street protests. The United States, Britain, France and Germany denounced the sentences and Amnesty International said it "shows that the Russian authorities will stop at no end to suppress dissent and stifle civil society."

The Pussy Riot band invaded the cathedral. I’ve watched video clips of the punk rockers’ performance in front of the cathedral’s alter before they were forcibly ejected. Their high kicking theatrics, their erratic jumping around and their singing - if by any stretch of the imagination you can call it singing - was a no-talent performance that should have sickened all music and dance lovers.

I believe they deserved to be sent to prison, but not for hooliganism. They should have been imprisoned for murdering music and dance.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


Another exclusive from The Onion / August 13, 2012


By Paul Ryan
Candidate for Vice President of the United States

When Mitt Romney selected me as his running mate, I knew the Democratic attack dogs would come out in full force. They would say I’m a right-wing ideologue. They would say my views on entitlement programs are far too radical. They would say putting me on the ticket immediately kills Mitt Romney’s chances of becoming president because I’m a liability. But if we’re being honest with each other—if we’re able to put aside the talking points for a few minutes and say what we’re all actually thinking and feeling—I believe we can acknowledge the real truth here.

I’m young, I’m handsome, I’m smart, and I’m articulate. And that scares the ever-loving shit out of you. You can pretend like you have this thing in the bag, but you know good goddamn well that this race just got real interesting, real fast.

It’s okay to admit it. You’re frightened to death of me. It might actually be healthy for you to face your fears now rather than later, when Mitt and I are leading by a few points in the polls and it looks like this thing might end badly for you. Face it: I’m not some catastrophe waiting to happen, like a Sarah Palin or a Dan Quayle. On the contrary, you have the exact opposite fear. I’m a solid, competent, some might say exceptional, politician.

Did you get nervous when you read that last sentence? Is it because you know in your heart of hearts that it’s 100 percent true? Is it because, even if you strongly disagree with my beliefs on Medicare, Social Security, women’s rights, and marriage equality, you know my talent as a speaker and my well-thought-out approach to these issues—no matter how radical and convoluted you find them—might just be enough to win over independent voters?

Do you get chills just thinking about how strong my appeal actually is?

I have another question for you: How scared are you that I can convince people I’m right? Because I’m good at it. No, I’m really good at it. You see, I know how to turn up the charm and charisma without putting people off. Then I back up what I’m saying with arguments that, when they come out of my mouth, sound completely accurate and well-reasoned. And I do it with such passion that people automatically recognize me as a man with deep convictions he will stand up for, no matter what.

The American people love that shit. They love it.

Passion, intellect, and a magnetic personality. Pretty damn intimidating combo, if I say so myself. You want to talk about polish? Man, I’ve got polish for miles. Oh, and by the way, I’ll go ahead and say this next thing because, if we’re being honest, why the hell not, right? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m white. Hoo, brother, am I white.

Yup, you should be scared shitless of me, because guess who isn’t? The people of Wisconsin. They love me. Republicans and Democrats there love me. Hell, I get Democrats to vote for me even if my policies make zero sense when it comes to their livelihoods. Do you know why? Because they like me. They like my story. Young, good-looking kid who pulled himself up by his bootstraps to make something of himself. Christ, I'm a storybook candidate. I balance out this ticket so well it’s almost too perfect. The people of Ohio are going to think that. And seniors in Florida—the state we supposedly lost when Mitt picked me—won’t be so scared as soon they know that my mother lives in Florida, and that all I want to do is reform the health care system so she can receive care that makes good fiscal sense.

Boy, I’m going to sell the shit out of that talking point. And I’m going to do a great job of it. Why? Because I’m Paul Ryan. That’s what I do.

And if we’re having trouble getting Pennsylvania on board, just wait until I absolutely wipe the floor with Joe Biden in the vice presidential debates. Don’t think for a second that I don’t know you’re terrified of us facing off, because in the back of your mind you know it could be a bloodbath up there.

Well, that’s 77 electoral votes, and by my math that means you can kiss your golden boy goodbye after four short years. All that promise. All that energy. All that potential. Gone in one November night.

I’m your worst fucking nightmare.

Oh, and by the way, don’t even try to pretend you haven’t imagined me being elected president one day.

Monday, August 13, 2012


The Onion / August 9, 2012

CHICAGO—With campaign rhetoric becoming increasingly heated and both presidential nominees releasing more attack ads, a new 30-second spot from the Obama campaign this week accuses his opponent Mitt Romney of committing the 1996 murder of 6-year-old beauty pageant queen JonBenét Ramsey.

Titled “He Did It,” the advertisement asks if anyone can truly remember where Romney was the night of the child’s murder, and whether the U.S. populace wants a president capable of strangling a little girl and dumping her body in her parents’ basement.

President Obama appears at the end of the advertisement to approve the message.

“I think this is a fair ad, and I think Mitt Romney owes an explanation to the American people as to why he murdered JonBenét Ramsey,” said Obama campaign manager Jim Messina, who called the commercial’s black-and-white reenactment of Mitt Romney carrying a kicking and screaming child to her death “accurate.” “Ultimately, voters need to know who they’re getting with Mitt Romney: a job- and child-killing businessman who is so deceitful he won’t release his tax returns or admit to a senseless murder that shook the nation to its core.”

Scheduled to run in multiple swing states, with significant airtime in Ramsey’s home state of Colorado, the ad criticizes Romney not just for killing the prepubescent girl, but for going to extreme lengths to cover it up. It also states that Mitt Romney paid former school teacher John Mark Karr to falsely come forward as the murderer, and accuses the former Massachusetts governor of being a sex offender.

Over a silhouette of Romney walking away from the Ramsey mansion—blood dripping from his hands—the commercial’s narrator asks, “If Mitt Romney kept the murder of JonBenét a secret from the American people, what else is he hiding?”

Moreover, at the end of the spot a smiling Romney is seen at a campaign event saying, “I killed her, and I had a good time.” Sources from the Romney campaign were quick to announce that the audio and video had been cobbled together from different statements he made during that particular rally.

“Personally, if I killed JonBenét Ramsey, I would have come clean and told the American people that on day one,” Obama’s communication director David Axelrod said on Sunday’s installment of Meet The Press. “But I think that’s a key difference between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Barack Obama never murdered a child, and Mitt Romney did.”

According to sources at Obama’s Chicago headquarters, the “He Did It” commercial is just the first in a new series of attack ads that accuses Romney of drowning actress Natalie Wood in 1981, convincing cult leader David Koresh to burn down the Branch Davidian ranch in Waco, TX, and causing the Challenger disaster.

“I think these ads will end up being very effective,” former Bill Clinton campaign strategist Dick Morris said. “If you are an undecided voter and you are constantly seeing images of Mitt Romney standing over a child’s lifeless body, or, as in the case of the ‘Zodiac’ spot, shooting two high schoolers at point blank range on their first date, that’s a pretty persuasive image right there.”

Added Morris, “This ad very effectively reminds us that no child murderer has ever been elected into the White House.”

Though the Obama campaign has denied it, many Beltway observers have said the advertisements are retaliation for the Romney camp’s highly controversial ad, “Boom,” which accuses the president of setting off the fertilizer bomb that destroyed an Oklahoma City federal building in 1995.


By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Unconventional Gazette / August 13, 2012

A friend of mine from Louisiana sent me this story about his neighbor Boudro ‘Bud’ Thibodeaux who just got out of the hospital after an unfortunate hunting accident.

Bud was hunting teal in a rice field outside Gueydan, Louisiana. He leaned the old 16 gauge double-barrel shotgun against the corner of the blind and stepped out to take a leak. As luck would have it, old Beau, his faithful dog knocks the gun over. It goes off and Bud took a good bit of #4 shot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Lafayette Charity Hospital bed, he comes to.... and there is his doctor, Pierre Boudreaux...

"Well Bud, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are gonna live. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the birdshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Bud...

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Louisa ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Bud. "Is your sister some kinda plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Dr. Boudreaux says. "She's a flute player in the Baton Rouge Symphony Orchestra. She's gonna teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your face.

Sunday, August 12, 2012


By Pamela Putz

The Unconventional Gazette / August 12, 2012

In her report Thursday on the execution of Marvin Wilson by the State of Texas, our editor Ima Schmuck interviewed San Francisco gay rights activist Felix Fairweather, founder of American Society of Master Masturbators (ASMM). We wanted to know more about ASMM, so we proceeded to hold a more comprehensive one-on-one Question-and-Answer interview with Mr. Fairweather.

Q. How did you come up with the idea for ASMM?

A. Well as you know, I am gay. In the early ‘80s, I became concerned about the large number of my fellow gay men that were dying here in San Francisco from AIDS. Several good friends of mine died from AIDS. We were warned by health authorities that our anal and oral sex practices were behind the spread of this debilitating and deadly disease.

My father served in the Viet Nam War and he told me that on his first day in the Army, the first sergeant told my father’s group of draftees and enlistees that in order to avoid getting VD, they should ‘take matters in your hands.’ So, in order to keep down the spread of AIDS, I started a campaign urging my fellow gays to take matters in their hands, to masturbate and not to engage in anal or oral sex. And after movie star Rock Hudson died of AIDS in 1985, I formed ASMM as a means of promoting masturbation.

Q. Why didn’t you just call it American Society of Masturbators?

A. Well I wanted to give people an incentive to masturbate, so I came up with the idea of certifying people as Master Masturbators. I wanted ASMM to be something special. That’s why I came up with the requirement that in order to join, you have to provide us with a sworn affidavit that you’ve been masturbating at least once a week for 10 years.

Q Didn’t that requirement keep a lot of people from joining ASMM?

A. Oh no. To the contrary, we received hundreds, then thousands of applications with the required sworn affidavits. And those applications were not just from gay men. Lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders also joined. And as the AIDS epidemic spread to the straight community, thousands of people that are not homosexual also joined ASMM. Today we have over two million members.

Q. Is there a membership fee?

A. Yes there is. The initial fee is $50. Then there is a $25 yearly renewal fee. And for $500 you can get a lifetime membership. Most of our members renew every year, and you’d be surprised how many people come up with the $500 lifetime membership fee.

Q. Do you have any other funding sources?

A. Yes we do. We have philanthropists that make donations to ASMM. George Soros gave us $500,000. And ASMM sells dildos, all shapes and sizes, including vibrating ones. Our dildos are really big sellers.

Q. Can you tell us who some of your more prominent members are?

A. Well, since the membership fees are tax deductible, our membership rolls are open to the public. So I don’t think I’m violating anyone’s privacy by giving you some names. Both Barack Obama and George W. Bush are lifetime members. President Obama joined when he was a community organizer and President Bush joined when he was governor of Texas. Michelle Obama is not a member, but every year she buys several cases of dildos from us which I understand she distributes to poor African-American women.

We asked Bill Clinton to join, but he told us he was getting so much sex, he didn’t need to masturbate. But Hillary Clinton joined and she also buys a lot of dildos. Nancy Pelosi is also a member and a big buyer of dildos. Rush Limbaugh, Gov. Jerry Brown, Gov. Rick Perry, Barney Frank, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Paris Hilton and Lady Gaga are just a few of our prominent members.

Oh, I almost forgot Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is a lifetime member and every year she distributes thousands of our dildos to women in Africa. And I see here that you’re a member too, Miss Putz.

We have a whole bunch of Catholic priests and nuns that are members. Those nuns really eat up our dildos... shit, that doesn’t sound exactly right, does it?

We don’t have many professional athletes as members. It seems as though, like Bill Clinton, they get so much sex, they don’t need to masturbate. We asked Tiger Woods to join and his response was, “What, me masturbate? You’ve got to be kidding!”

And, as I told your editor the other day, we’ve given every death row inmate in the United States an honorary membership certificate as a Master Masturbator. We know they do a lot of masturbating but do not have the funds to pay the membership fees.

Q. What does ASMM do besides give out Master Masturbator certificates?

A. Well, in order to maintain our tax-free status, we do a lot of educational work. We’ve printed a lot of brochures and made CDs that we send free of charge to schools and colleges, to churches and synagogues, to health clinics, to military bases, to community centers, and even to nursing homes. That takes a lot of money, believe me.

Q. That about does it, Mr. Fairweather, thank you for giving us your time.

A. You’re very welcome, Miss Putz. And it’s my pleasure to present you with this vibrating dildo, which I know will give you many hours of extreme pleasure.

Thursday, August 9, 2012


Death penalty opponents say execution of Marvin Wilson was a crime against humanity

By Ima Schmuck

The Unconventional Gazette / August 9, 2012

On Tuesday, the State of Texas executed Marvin Wilson for a vicious murder he committed 20 years ago. His execution created a worldwide uproar because death penalty opponents claimed that his IQ of 61 was too low for him to understand that he was being put to death or why he was about to be executed. They accuse the state of murdering a ‘mentally disabled’ man. Wilson is the seventh person put to death by Texas so far this year and there are nine more Texas death row inmates scheduled to be executed before the end of the year.

The Unconventional Gazette contacted a number of persons on both sides of the death penalty issue, either in person or by phone, to obtain their views of the Wilson Execution. Here is how they responded to the question: How do you feel about the execution of Marvin Wilson by the State of Texas?

Salil Shetty, Secretary General of Amnesty International: A mentally disabled man has died at the hands of the Texas murder machine. Mr. Wilson’s 61 IQ prevented him from understanding that he was being put to death, nor was he capable of understanding why he was being executed. His execution was murder, pure and simple.

Every time the United States executes someone it is committing a crime against humanity and Texas is the worst criminal of all! Amnesty International and the European Union consider Texas to be a state murder machine. Yes that is what Texas is, a murder machine!

Dora Liston, Head of Australians Against the Death Penalty: Putting a mentally disabled man to death is an act of unthinkable depravity. Amnesty International is right on when it calls Texas a murder machine. That is why I am affiliated with the Texas Coalition to Abolish the Death Penalty.

The death penalty is a rotten piece of law – the political stance behind the death penalty law is sickening. This flawed, capricious, discriminative, racist and politically corrupt barbaric punishment of death, which has been proven time and time again to be riddled with legal errors, is a government’s ultimate power of control and terror over society. You don’t have to be a scholar to understand this fact – history shows the truth. State sanctioned executions are crimes against humanity!

In my opinion, correctional officers who support the brutality of state-sanctioned killing should not be employed in any capacity with caged human beings, just as people who dislike animals would never be granted employment caring for caged animals. Many correctional officers’ predatory animalistic behavior towards prisoners makes some prisoners behave like predators. It’s called Karma!

Philipp Rosler, head of Germany’s Free Democratic Party: The execution of Herr Wilson is simply outrageous. How any civilized nation can put to death a retarded person is beyond my comprehension. It reminds me of when Adolf Hitler ordered the extermination of all 'mental degenerates.' As for the death penalty, I have introduced legislation for the European Union to ban the exportation of any drugs that could be used to carry out executions.

Rev. Al Sharpton, head of National Action Network and host of MSNBC’s PoliticsNation talk show: The State of Texas has murdered my black brother Marvin Wilson. Had I known earlier that Marvin was an African-American, I would have been down in Texas leading demonstrations against his execution. It is obvious to me that Marvin is a victim of the racism that is so prevalent throughout Texas.

Rev. Jesse Jackson, head of the Rainbow Coalition: Marvin Wilson was a victim of racism. Had he been white he would have never been sentenced to death. The fact he was mentally retarded merely adds to the injustice perpetrated by the State of Texas.

Rick Perry, Governor of Texas: I've never struggled with Wilson’s IQ at all. The state of Texas has a very thoughtful, a very clear process in place of which -- when someone commits the most heinous of crimes against our citizens, they get a fair hearing, they go through an appellate process, they go up to the Supreme Court of the United States, if that's required.

But in the state of Texas, if you come into our state and you kill one of our children, you kill a police officer, you're involved with another crime and you kill one of our citizens, you will face the ultimate justice in the state of Texas, and that is, you will be executed.

Kinky Friedman, author, musician, humorist, politician: I’m driven to abolish the death penalty in Texas, to make Texas a no-kill state. No killing of horses, dogs, cats or people.

James Clark, Southern California regional organizer for Proposition 34, the November ballot measure to abolish the death penalty: Texas is a state full of ruthless barbarians. Here in California we may sentence people to death, but we don’t execute them. It all started with that wonderful lady, the late Rose Byrd. Her appointment as chief justice of the state Supreme Court was the best appointment Gov. Brown ever made. Thanks in large part to Rose, we now have more than 700 inmates on death row and none of them will ever see the executioner’s needle jammed into the veins of their arms.

Felix Fairweather, San Francisco gay rights activist and founder of American Society of Master Masturbators: Normally you have to provide us with a sworn affidavit that you’ve been masturbating at least once a week for 10 years before you qualify for membership in ASMM, but we’ve given every death row inmate in the United States an honorary membership certificate as a Master Masturbator. We mourn the loss of Marvin Wilson as a valued member.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN): I am a strong believer in states rights. If the State of Texas believed Wilson fit to be executed, then it had every right to put him to death. Personally, I support the death penalty. I think some of the liberals against capital punishment should be horsewhipped. And the Europeans should keep their noses out of our business.

Ann Coulter, author and syndicated columnist: I think that Wilson and his supporters were gaming the system. He was no more retarded than I am. As a social conservative I believe in the death penalty. And to the late Mr. Wilson, I say, adios and good riddance!

Joe Arpaio, Sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona: The execution of Marvin Wilson? My only problem with putting that scumbag to death is that it took 20 years to do it.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


The Onion / August 6, 2012

WASHINGTON—In response to the shooting death of six Sikh worshipers at a temple in Oak Creek, WI yesterday, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) offered a public expression of her thankfulness that no Americans had been killed in the rampage.

"It's a relief and a blessing that not a single American died in this event," Bachmann said of the incident that claimed the lives of six Americans who practice the Sikh faith. "All of us can be grateful for that. Had the gunman targeted a church or synagogue, this violent act could have been much, much worse. There's no telling how many Americans might have died."

Bachmann concluded by calling on citizens nationwide to direct all their thoughts and prayers to the family of wounded police lieutenant Brian Murphy, who was shot multiple times while rushing to help victims.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


The Onion / August 6, 2012

WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of Sunday’s deadly shooting in which a white supremacist allegedly shot and killed six congregants at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin, the nation’s psychologically sound populace issued a statement begging its insane counterparts to please, please stop shooting so many Americans.

“Today we come together with a single voice, hoping to reach you with one very simple message: For the love of God, please stop firing your guns at us,” a statement from the sane read in part. “We don’t care if you’re a 22-year-old male with a history of psychological illness, a severely unhinged graduate student who fell through the cracks of our mental health care system, or an embittered middle-aged man convinced that religious minorities are threatening the fabric of America. All we ask is that you cease charging into rooms full of innocent people and raining down bullets on everyone in sight.”

After making their urgent plea, the American people reportedly began stocking up on guns in the hopes of preventing future shootings from taking place.

Sunday, August 5, 2012


In another case, 300 direct deposits totaling more than $470,000 in refunds were made to the same bank account

by BarkGrowlBite

J. Russell George, the U.S. Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration, has just released a report that should be a huge embarrassment to the humongous bureaucracy that is the IRS. The report revealed that billions of dollars in fraudulent tax refunds had bee sent to identity thieves.

What is most embarrassing is that the IRS sent over $3.3 million dollars in refunds from 2,137 fraudulent tax returns to the same address in Lansing, Michigan. Almost as embarrassing is that the IRS sent more than $470,000 in refunds by direct deposit to the same bank account for 300 fraudulent tax returns. And identity thieves from three addresses in Florida filed more than 500 fraudulent returns totaling over $1 million in refunds for each address.

In handling millions of tax returns the IRS is bound to make mistakes, but with screw-ups like those reported by Inspector General George, the IRS doesn’t belong in the government, it belongs on Comedy Central.

Saturday, August 4, 2012


It sent billions of dollars in refunds to identity thieves who filed fraudulent tax returns

by BarkGrowlBite

It looks like the Internal Revenue Service has issued more than $5 billion in tax refunds to identity thieves for the 2011 tax year. The IRS predicts that identity thieves could receive another $21 billion in refunds over the next five years.

The thieves have been filing fraudulent tax returns by using the identity of dead persons, children and others who would not ordinarily file a tax return. The IRS claims that last year it uncovered 940,000 fraudulent returns seeking $6.5 billion in refunds. But it also estimates that it let another 1.5 million fraudulent cases slip through undetected.

The IRS is worried that sending billions of dollars in refunds to identity thieves could ‘undermine public trust in the U.S. tax system.’ They’ve got to be kidding! What public trust in the U.S. tax system?

Doesn’t the IRS know that a majority of citizens do not trust their government. And almost no one trusts the tax system. In fairness to the IRS, that humongous bureaucracy is not the problem – it’s the crazy, complicated and confusing tax system that’s the problem! The only people that do trust the tax system are the tax lawyers who are good at finding loopholes that will greatly reduce the tax liability of their wealthy clients.

Undermine public trust in the U.S. tax system? Now, that’s a real joke!

Friday, August 3, 2012


USPS finds that, in many cases, the stamp will not stick to envelopes

The Unconventional Gazette / August 3, 2012

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In February, the Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.

The USPS noticed that the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After four months of extensive testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential Commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.


By Bob Walsh

PACOVILLA Corrections blog / August 3, 2012

Larry Laugen, 37, is a registered sex offender living in the Turlock, California area. He is also allegedly a burglar.

He was arrested Wednesday at the Turlock PD where he had gone to register as required by law. At the same time a woman was there to file a complaint against someone who broke into her apartment. She was talking to the cops as Laugen walked by, and she said to the cops, “Hey, that’s the guy.” Laugen was arrested for suspicion of burglary.

Very convenient for everybody involved.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


The Onion / July 31, 2012

NEW DELHI—Following the ongoing power outage that has left more than 680 million people in India without electricity, 17-year-old sweatshop worker Bhavesh Patel told reporters today he has now been forced to work his grueling, inhumane job in the dark on top of fucking everything else.

"Jesus Christ, are you shitting me?" Patel reportedly said to himself while struggling to hand-stitch the right sleeve onto an Adidas T-shirt in pitch-black darkness. "It's bad enough having to work 19 hours straight in 100-degree heat for almost no pay, but now I have to stumble around in the dark like a goddamn moron, too? Fucking terrific."

Patel then quickly remembered his starving family, calmed himself down, and continued to quietly and diligently work deep into the night.