Tuesday, July 31, 2012


‘Don’t bite the hand that feeds you’ not applicable to alligators (or seals)

by BarkGrowlBite

Wallace Weatherholt, 63, an Everglades airboat tour guide, was arrested minus his left hand by Florida wildlife officers on Friday and charged with the unlawful feeding of an alligator. He was released from the Collier County Jail after posting a $1,000 bond. If convicted, he could face up to 60 days in jail and a $500 fine.

Good old Wally, who works for Captain Doug’s Everglades Tours in Everglades City, was taking an Indiana family on a tour of the Everglades when he decided to dangle a fish on the surface of the water. Whoosh-Chomp, both fish and hand were gone, snapped up by a 9-foot alligator.

One of the tourists on board the boat told reporters that the alligator managed to get its two front feet onto the deck and she was worried the airboat — carrying herself, two other women and two young children — was going to tip over.

After the bug-eyed Indiana folks finished puking, Weatherholt was rushed to a hospital. Wildlife officers were able to find the scaly culprit, killed him and retrieved Wally’s hand. They rushed the severed hand to the hospital, but doctors were unable to reattach it to Wally’s now stubby left arm.

Wally’s story reminds me of way back when my wife and I visited Knott’s Berry Farm in Buena Park, California. Among the exhibits at that theme park was a pool containing several seals. They had a fish vending machine from which visitors could get fish to feed the seals – if I remember right, it was for a quarter. I bought one, leaned over the retaining wall and dangled the fish several feet above the water.

Woosh-Ouch, the son-of-a-bitch snatched that fish out of my hand in the blink of an eye, biting one of my fingers in the process. When the Knott’s Berry Farm people took me to the first aid station, my wife insisted that she did not know me.

Sunday, July 29, 2012


By Pamela Putz

The Unconventional Gazette / July 29, 2012

Friday, I was attending the murder trial of Virgie Johnson, a little 94-year-old woman, when the following exchange took place between Virgie and her attorney:

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Virgie: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Virgie: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Virgie: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Virgie: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Virgie: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Virgie: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Virgie: He began to rub all over my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Virgie: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Virgie: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Virgie: Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Virgie: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the fucking bastard!

Defense attorney to judge: Your honor, I move for a directed verdict of acquittal.

Judge: I agree! The defendant is acquitted. Virgie, you are free to go.


From ABC’s This Week / July 29, 2012

CNN's Donna Brazile, an ardent Obama supporter, was defending the President’s ‘You Didn't Build That [Business]' speech during a panel discussion on ABC's This Week, when conservative columnist George Will responded by saying:

“I have a question for my friend, Donna. This president is….. We're told that the president is the brightest president since Madison, the best educated president since John Quincy Adams, and the most articulate president -- politician since Pericles. Why does he spend so much time explaining what he actually meant?”

Saturday, July 28, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / July 28, 2012

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Marty! All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away........ over 45 cents?"

Friday, July 27, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / July 27, 2012

A Mexican (an undocumented Democrat), a Black (a documented Democrat), a Jew, a Muslim and a Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

"I can only grant five wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are five of you, you may have a wish apiece." Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa ." Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my peoples back to our homeland, May-he-co!" Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet pickups appeared on the beach.

The Jew said, "I wish for enough airplanes to take all my people to Israel to reclaim the land God gave to his Chosen People." Poof! The sky was filled with jumbo jets.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah." Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he watched as the jumbo jets headed back into the sky, and then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Lite. It doesn't get any better than this!"


The Onion / July 26, 2012

ANAHEIM, CA—As protests over a pair of fatal weekend shootings by Anaheim Police entered their fifth day, law enforcement officials continued Thursday to ignore calls for a stricter departmental gun-use policy, claiming such rules would prevent officers from executing their essential task of shooting people.

"Our job is to shoot bullets at dangerous individuals posing a threat to life and property, and we're certainly not going to respond to a request that we stop doing our job," said Anaheim police chief John Welter, who pointed out that all officers are required to carry guns, and that guns are for shooting people. "A policeman who fails to discharge his service revolver on a regular basis is failing to serve his community, pure and simple."

Welter added that anyone who knows anything about the history of law enforcement in Southern California should be well aware of that fact by now.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012


By BarkGrowlBite

The former Golden State, now the Rusty Iron State, and why I call it Kookfornia. Why would any voter in his or her right mind even give a flying fuck whether porn actors used condoms or not? Only in Kookfornia would you find 372,000 kooks who signed a petition to put that measure on the November ballot.

By Christina Villacorte

Los Angeles Daily News
July 24, 2012

For the first time ever, voters will be asked to decide whether porn stars should be mandated by law to wear condoms while filming.

The county Board of Supervisors on Tuesday voted 3-1, with one abstention, to place a measure on the Nov. 6 ballot requiring porn stars to use condoms during the production of adult films in Los Angeles County.

It would also require adult entertainment producers to undergo training on blood-borne pathogens, submit an exposure control plan and obtain a public health permit.

The board's unprecedented move came after officials of the nonprofit AIDS Healthcare Foundation submitted 372,000 petition signatures - far more than required to place a measure on the ballot.

The porn industry, however, threatened to take legal action to block the proposed regulations, arguing that requiring them to use condoms in their movies violates their right to free speech. They also said the multi-billion-dollar industry, based primarily in the San Fernando Valley, would be driven out of the region by the measure.

Diane Duke, executive director of the Free Speech Coalition, a trade association of adult entertainment businesses, said porn stars have a lower risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases than the rest of the population.

"Our population is tested much more frequently than anybody else," she said. "People who are walking around with HIV and don't even know it - you're not going to find that in our industry.”

Duke said a county report showed that of the 6,500 new HIV infections between June 2008 and June 2011, none were contracted from an adult film set.

She added that protocols already in place enabled the industry to quickly identify two porn stars who had contracted HIV off-set, and prevented them from performing again.

Allan Gelbard, a lawyer for the adult film industry, called the ballot measure "an unconstitutional and unwise attempt to fix a nonexistent problem."

He also warned that the proposed regulations may drive the multi-billion dollar industry away from the county. Its hub is the San Fernando Valley.

But Stephen Kaufman, lawyer for the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, disputed claims the ballot measure would trample on the First Amendment.

"The focus of this measure is on the health and safety of the performers in that workplace," he said.

Mark McGrath, a public health consultant for the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, stressed, "It is unfair that adult film performers should be asked to take their health and life at risk to earn a meager living."

Supervisors Zev Yaroslavsky, Michael Antonovich and Don Knabe voted to place the measure on the ballot, while Mark Ridley-Thomas abstained.

Supervisor Gloria Molina cast the lone dissenting vote, expressing concern it would lead to the county taking over responsibilities that properly belong to the state Division of Occupational Safety and Health, better known as Cal/OSHA.

She worried it could open the county to lawsuits from porn stars who contract sexually transmitted diseases while performing at an adult film set with a county public health permit.

"I just don't understand why we're taking away the workplace responsibilities of Cal/OSHA and inheriting all the liability that goes along with it," Molina said.

Kaufman, however, pointed out the board's hands were tied. Under the election code, it had only two choices - to enact the ordinance sought by the petition, or to submit the matter to voters.

The failure to do either would "thwart the will of the (more than) 371,000 voters who signed the petition and the voters of the county who will be presented with this matter for consideration in November."


Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu goes on sale Wednesday

The Onion / July 24, 2012

ATLANTA—As part of its recent efforts to publicly align itself with fundamentalist Christian values, the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain announced today the debut of its new Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu sandwich that would be on sale in all of the company's 1,600 restaurants this Wednesday.

In a press conference to reporters, company representatives said the homophobic new sandwich will include the national fast food chain’s trademark fried chicken filet wrapped in a piece of specially-smoked No Homo ham that would be topped with a slice of Swiss cheese and lathered in a creamy new Thousand Island-based Fag Punching sauce.

"The Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu is our company's way of showing our firm commitment to strong, Christian family values," said Chick-fil-A spokesman Robert Gary, before adding that the vehemently anti-gay rights sandwich comes served in a combo with waffle fries and a medium soda for just $6.95. "From the very first morsel of this savory meal to the very last bite, customers can envision gays burning in hell with their sodomizing cohorts, and know that our sandwich is on their side.”

"Of course, the young ones will want to finish their meals off right with a No Fudge Packin' Soft Serve Cone," Gary added. "I can't think of a better way to follow up a sandwich this good."

While the release of the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu has led to anger from pro-gay rights groups, loyal Chick-fil-A customers claim they are happy they can finally enjoy a sandwich that takes a firm stance on the issue of homosexuality.

"Any sandwich that combines that great Chick-fil-A flavor with a hefty dose of vitriolic homophobia is definitely going to keep me coming back for more," said Atlanta customer John Oaks. “Come Wednesday, I’m going to be first in line for this thing.”

According to sources, the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu is merely the first of Chick-fil-A’s new family values menu which is set to include the AIDS Is God’s Curse chicken nugget combo and the Fags Caused 9/11 strawberry fruit smoothie.

Sunday, July 22, 2012


Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert put mouth in motion before putting brain in gear

By BarkGrowlBite

“It does make me wonder, you know, with all those people in the theater, was there nobody that was carrying? That could have stopped this guy more quickly? I mean, in Tyler, Texas, we had, in my hometown, we had a shooter come in over a domestic matter and just start shooting people, and it was a guy with a concealed carry. He got killed, but his shooting at this guy caused him to run and no doubt saved a lot of lives. He was a real hero.”

Those were the words Rep. Louie Gohmert uttered during an interview about the Batman movie shooting in Colorado. Screwy Louie was being interviewed Friday on the Heritage Foundation’s “Istook Live” program when he made a fool of himself by putting his mouth in motion before putting his brain in gear.

Screwy Louie reminds me of the idiots who to this day argue for the right to bear arms by claiming that had the Japanese invaded our West Coast after Pearl Harbor, a citizenry armed with rifles, shotguns and handguns could have stopped the heavily armed invaders.

Let’s get real! An armed theater patron or two could not have stopped a nutcase wearing body armor and a ballistic helmet in a crowded dark theater with hundreds of panic-stricken patrons running and crawling around in all directions while under fire from a semi-automatic AR-15. To think otherwise, you’d have to be under the influence of some funny tobacco.

Saturday, July 21, 2012


The Onion / July 20, 2012

FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of last evening's horrific shooting that killed 12 in a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, representatives from the National Rifle Association asked all Americans to please try, in this moment of sadness and grief, to remember the myriad great and indispensable things that guns do for us every day.

"While the events of last night are truly tragic, I sincerely hope that no one at any point forgets how truly terrific guns are, and how they enrich all of our lives on a regular basis," said NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre, adding that the nation's citizens must open up their hearts in this time of mourning and realize how simply unlivable a life without gun ownership would be. "From hunting, to protecting one's home from prowlers, to target practice, why, there is practically no end to the ways in which guns are constantly improving our lives every moment of every day. As awful as this shooting was, none of us should ever forget that."

LaPierre then closed his remarks with a direct plea to the people of Aurora, asking them to try and imagine where they would be today without the citizen's right to bear arms.


The Onion / July 20, 2012

LOS ANGELES—According to sources, some soulless fucking piece of shit at Warner Bros. is wondering how last night's tragic shooting of 12 people at a screening of Dark Knight Rises will affect ticket sales for the blockbuster film.

"God, I hope this doesn't ruin our shot at the opening weekend box office record,” said the unimaginable asshole, noting that the cold-blooded murder of a dozen innocent people could deter moviegoers from seeing the film with friends throughout the weekend. "At least the international numbers will still be very strong. We can take comfort in that.”

At press time, the oily, subhuman son of a bitch was reassuring coworkers the movie would definitely still finish number one in North American box office receipts for 2012.

Friday, July 20, 2012


The Onion / July 20, 2012

WASHINGTON—Americans across the nation confirmed today that, unfortunately, due to their extreme familiarity with the type of tragedy that occurred in a Colorado movie theater last night, they sadly know exactly how the events following the horrific shooting deaths of 12 people will unfold.

While admitting they "absolutely hate" the fact they have this knowledge, the nation's 300 million citizens told reporters they can pinpoint down to the hour when the first candlelight vigil will be held, roughly how many people will attend, how many times the county sheriff will address the media in the coming weeks, and when the town-wide memorial service will be held.

Additionally, sources nationwide took no pleasure in confirming that some sort of video recording, written material, or disturbing photographs made by the shooter will be surfacing in about an hour or two.

"I hate to say it, but we as Americans are basically experts at this kind of thing by now,” said 45-year-old market analyst Jared Gerson, adding that the number of media images of Aurora, CO citizens crying and looking shocked is “pretty much right in line with where it usually is at this point." "The calls not to politicize the tragedy should be starting in an hour, but by 1:30 p.m. tomorrow the issue will have been politicized. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if the shooter’s high school classmate is interviewed within 45 minutes."

"It's like clockwork," said Gerson, who sighed, shook his head, and walked away.

According to the nation's citizenry, calls for a mature, thoughtful debate about the role of guns in American society started right on time, and should persist throughout the next week or so. However, the populace noted, the debate will soon spiral out of control and ultimately lead to nothing of any substance, a fact Americans everywhere acknowledged they felt "absolutely horrible" to be aware of.

With scalpel-like precision, the American populace then went on to predict, to the minute, how long it will take for the media to swarm Aurora, CO, how long it will take for them to leave, and exactly when questions will be raised as to whether or not violence in movies and video games had something to do with the act.

The nation's citizens also confirmed that, any time now, some religious figure or cable news personality will say something unbelievably insensitive about the tragic shooting.

"Unfortunately, I've been through this a lot, and I pretty much have it down to a science when President Obama will visit Colorado, when he will meet with the families of those who lost loved ones, and when he will give his big speech that people will call 'unifying' and 'very presidential,'" Jacksonville resident Amy Brennen, 32, said, speaking for every other person in the country. "Nothing really surprises me when it comes to this kind of thing anymore. And that makes me feel terrible."

"Oh, and here's another thing I hate I know," Brennen continued, "In exactly two weeks this will all be over and it will be like it never happened.”

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


The Onion / July 17, 2012

By Megan Richmond, Volunteer Teacher

When I graduated college last year, I was certain I wanted to make a real difference in the world. After 17 years of education, I felt an obligation to share my knowledge and skills with those who needed it most.

After this past year, I believe I did just that. Working as a volunteer teacher helped me reach out to a new generation of underprivileged children in dire need of real guidance and care. Most of these kids had been abandoned by the system and, in some cases, even by their families, making me the only person who could really lead them through the turmoil.

Was it always easy? Of course not. But with my spirit and determination, we were all able to move forward.

Those first few months were the most difficult of my life. Still, I pushed through each day knowing that these kids really needed the knowledge and life experience I had to offer them. In the end, it changed all of our lives.

In some ways, it's almost like I was more than just a teacher to those children. I was a real mentor who was able to connect with them and fully understand their backgrounds and help them become the leaders of tomorrow.

Ultimately, I suppose I can never know exactly how much of an impact I had on my students, but I do know that for me it was a fundamentally eye-opening experience and one I will never forget.

By Brandon Mendez, James Miller Elementary School Student

You've got to be kidding me. How does this keep happening? I realize that as a fourth-grader I probably don't have the best handle on the financial situation of my school district, but dealing with a new fresh-faced college graduate who doesn't know what he or she is doing year after year is growing just a little bit tiresome. Seriously, can we get an actual teacher in here sometime in the next decade, please? That would be terrific.

Just once, it would be nice to walk into a classroom and see a teacher who has a real, honest-to-God degree in education and not a twentysomething English graduate trying to bolster a middling GPA and a sparse law school application. I don't think it's too much to ask for a qualified educator who has experience standing up in front of a classroom and isn't desperately trying to prove to herself that she's a good person.

I'm not some sort of stepping stone to a larger career, okay? I'm an actual child with a single working mother, and I need to be educated by someone who actually wants to be a teacher, actually comprehends the mechanics of teaching, and won't get completely eaten alive by a classroom full of 10-year-olds within the first two months on the job.

How about a person who can actually teach me math for a change? Boy, wouldn't that be a novel concept!

I fully understand that our nation is currently facing an extreme shortage of teachers and that we all have to make do with what we can get. But does that really mean we have to be stuck with some privileged college grad who completed a five-week training program and now wants to document every single moment of her life-changing year on a Tumblr?

For crying out loud, we're not adopted puppies you can show off to your friends.

Look, we all get it. Underprivileged children occasionally say some really sad things that open your eyes and make you feel as though you've grown as a person, but this is my actual education we're talking about here. Graduating high school is the only way for me to get out of the malignant cycle of poverty endemic to my neighborhood and to many other impoverished neighborhoods throughout the United States. I can't afford to spend these vital few years of my cognitive development becoming a small thread in someone's inspirational narrative.

But hey, how much can I really know, anyway? I haven't had an actual teacher in three years.

Monday, July 16, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / July 16, 2012

Sitting together on a train were Barack Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a beautiful young blonde woman with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde woman thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark and she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks: I can't wait till we get to the next tunnel, so I can slap the shit out of Barack again!!


Irreverent, disrespectful, drunk, plastered and wasted describes the Texas army of 1836

By John Nova Lomax

Houston Press Hair Balls
July 16, 2012

San Antonio is in a tizzy. When officials from the Texas General Land Office okayed a plan to allow caterers to serve hooch at after-hours events at Alamo Hall, a repurposed 1922 fire station near but not on the grounds of the Alamo complex, the Daughters of the Republic of Texas roared into action.

"We recognize that they can do it, but we oppose it at this time," said DRT president Karen Thompson. "We don't feel that it shows respect. You wouldn't see alcohol served at Gettysburg or Arlington."

Land Office head Jerry Patterson, a retired marine who served in Vietnam, disagrees."If veterans of past conflicts can cherish a bottle of wine until the last one living partakes of that bottle in honor of his deceased comrades, I fail to understand how alcohol in and of itself is irreverent or disrespectful."

As every man who tried to command it would find out, irreverent and disrespectful might be the two best adjectives to describe the Texas army of 1836. Those two, and drunk, plastered and wasted, too, which partially explains why they were so ornery. This was an army that marched less on its stomach than its liver.

After all, it was headed by Sam Houston, a guy who routinely embarked on months-long benders and who was known to his Indian friends as "The Big Drunk."

While Texan troops were besieging San Antonio, Stephen F. Austin passed through camp and was appalled at their epic levels of consumption. "In the name of Almighty God send no more ardent spirits to this camp," he wrote to the civil authorities in charge of supplying the men. "If any is on the road turn it back, or have the head knocked out."

After San Antonio fell to the Texans, its garrison was co-commanded by the temperate William Barrett Travis and the hell-for-leather, terminally ill knife-fighting boozehound James Bowie. Before the Mexican siege began, and before Bowie took to what would soon be his deathbed in the Alamo, two-thirds of the 150 men in the garrison were loyal only to Bowie, not least because he was, like them, a party animal.

Some believe that fondness for the bottle almost spelled doom for the Texas Revolution.

Just before the cavalry vanguard of Santa Anna's army reached the city, most of Bowie's men had been vigorously celebrating George Washington's birthday. And by vigorously celebrating, we mean they got shitfaced and stayed that way for two straight days and nights. Military historian Wayne R. Austerman believes that had Santa Anna's underling Brigadier General Joaquin Ramirez y Sesma not lost his nerve and unaccountably, and in retrospect, disastrously halted his cavalry at the outskirts of town, he could have made short work of the hungover and/or still-intoxicated Texans, who were then scattered all over San Antonio. Few if any of them would have been able to stagger back to the relative safety of the Alamo; Sesma's horsemen could have lanced them like wild animals. Had Sesma done so, Santa Anna could have chased Houston's army right out of Texas before the rains came and slowed his army to a crawl.

So who knows? As Sesma pondered whether or not to attack, maybe a shot of liquid courage would have done him, and the Republic of Mexico, some good.

So from a historical perspective, this is a hard call. The stone-cold alcoholic Sam Houston eventually won the war for Texas. Sesma didn't drink when he should have and Bowie did drink when he shouldn't have, and both met with disaster.

Just goes to prove that old Homer Simpson adage yet again: "To alcohol, the cause of a solution to all life's problems."

Sunday, July 15, 2012


The Unconventional Gazette / July 15, 2012

On the first day after her divorce, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room carpet, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of wine.

When she finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend to the house, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit...

Eventually, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and then even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth .... but only if she would sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

Friday, July 13, 2012


What we are likely to experience under Obamacare

The Unconventional Gazette / July 13, 2012

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require hip surgery.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then pending the review boards decision on his age and remaining value to society.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen on Obamacare...

In November, if Obama is reelected to another term, all senior citizens will have to find a good vet.

Thursday, July 12, 2012


Why the former Golden State is now the Rusty Iron State

The Unconventional Gazette / July 12, 2012


The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 to test it for diseases and $500 to relocate it

He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog, and bills the State $200 for testing it for diseases.

The Governor goes to a hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote, and to get his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies, and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.


The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging.

The Governor has spent less than one dollar on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that is why California is broke and Texas ain't!


Nation's oldest and largest white rights organization welcomes Romney, boos Obama

The Onion / July 11, 2012

HOUSTON—During an address Wednesday to the National Association for the Advancement of White People, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney received a lengthy standing ovation from the group of 2,000 Caucasians who had gathered to hear him speak.

The NAAWP, a 400-year-old organization with a membership of nearly 8 million whites nationwide, is expected to be firmly in Romney's camp come November.

"Thank you, thank you so much," said Romney, whose speech was repeatedly interrupted by wave after wave of raucous applause and numerous chants of "We love Mitt!"

"I love you, too. Really, this is too much."

Romney’s reception came in stark contrast to the welcome given to President Barack Obama, who spoke to the NAAWP last Thursday and was loudly booed for saying, "Hello, thanks for having me."

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Unconventional Gazette / July 11, 2012

An extensive search with Google and other search engines on the internet revealed that the shortest book ever written is:

Things I Did To Deserve The Nobel Peace Prize by Barack Hussein Obama


The Unconventional Gazette / July 11, 2012


Obama: Instead of sending troops to guard the Arizona border, we sent signs warning about the area controlled by the Mexican drug cartels!

Reporter: Using that same logic, wouldn’t it make sense to take away your Secret Service agents and surround you with signs that say “Please Don’t Shoot The President”?

Report on TV news broadcast: The President arrived in Europe for the Economic Summit with an unprecedented entourage of over 500 people, including his personal chef, hairdresser, make-up people, writers, a man to play basketball with, and 12 teleprompters. The President is there to convince the world that America is going to be more thrifty.

Obama: To cut the budget, I’m killing funds for the Mexican border fence, and also killing funds which pay to put illegal aliens in jail.

Reporter: And what will you do with the money you save?

Obama: We’ll hire more teachers who speak Spanish. For some reason, we just seem to need more and more of ‘em!

Man: Say, did you hear that the Obama administration is sending stimulus checks to a lot of dead people?

Woman: Well it’s only fair…. After all, they voted for him!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


Whites no longer need to 'act like damn fools in their relationships with Americans of African ancestry'

The Unconventional Gazette / July 10, 2012


Whereas, Europeans kept my forebears in bondage some three centuries toiling without pay,

Whereas, Europeans ignored the human rights pledges of the Declaration of Independence and the United States Constitution,

Whereas, the Emancipation Proclamation, the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Amendments meant little more than empty words,

Therefore, Americans of European ancestry are guilty of great crimes against my ancestors and their progeny.

But, in the recognition Europeans themselves have been victims of various and sundry human rights violations to wit: the Norman Conquest, the Irish Potato Famine, Decline of the Hapsburg Dynasty, Napoleonic and Czarist adventurism, and gratuitous insults and speculations about the intelligence of Europeans of Polish descent,

I, Walter E. Williams, do declare full and general amnesty and pardon to all persons of European ancestry, for both their own grievances, and those of their forebears, against my people.

Therefore, from this day forward Americans of European ancestry can stand straight and proud knowing they are without guilt and thus obliged not to act like damn fools in their relationships with Americans of African ancestry.

Walter E. Williams, Gracious and Generous Grantor

Saturday, July 7, 2012


Our publisher, BarkGrowlBite, has changed the name of The Schalotte to The Unconventional Gazette.

Ima Schmuck remains as editor of The Unconventional Gazette and our outstanding reporters, Adolf der Schweinehund and Pamela Putz also remain in place.

The Schalotte name has been put to rest because our publisher believes that the new name best reflects the content of this blog.


The Onion / July 4, 2012

BOSTON—According to a survey published Wednesday by historians at Boston University, more than 85 percent of Americans are unfamiliar with the upbeat, traditional dance routine intended to accompany the singing of the national anthem.

Once taught in the nation's elementary schools, showcased at the start of all sporting events, and included as part of the exam for new U.S. citizens, the patriotic kicks, dips, waves, and twirls from "The Star-Spangled Banner" have nearly vanished from the public consciousness over the past century, the study found.

"From a historical perspective, it came as quite a shock that nearly nine out of 10 Americans could not recall more than a single step of what was, for many years, an essential part of civic life," said Kenneth P. O'Neill, who co-authored the report. "Most people are familiar with the dance's iconic first move, placing one's right hand over one's heart. But when we asked them what comes next—placing the left hand over the right and pumping back and forth—people had no idea what we were talking about."

In the original choreography of Francis Scott Key, the lawyer and vivacious dancer who also penned "The Star-Spangled Banner," singers begin the second line of the song by holding a salute while marching in place. Then, when "Whose broad stripes" is sung, they jump into a slightly wider than shoulder-width stance, put a hand on their hip, and slowly point across the horizon, pantomiming Key's view the morning of Sept. 14, 1814, when he awoke to see the U.S. flag still waving over Fort McHenry after a British naval bombardment.

"Surprisingly, we found very few people who knew that once the song gets to 'O'er the ramparts we watched,' you're supposed to face the person on your right, fold your arms, plant your right foot, and kick around in a clockwise three-quarter circle," said O'Neill, gracefully demonstrating the move in a traditional red, white, and blue national-anthem cape. "This sequence puts you in the right position for 'And the rockets' red glare'!"

"That's when you shimmy like there's no tomorrow," he added.

Despite the fact that there has been an official choreography in place since 1916, when Woodrow Wilson ordered "The Star-Spangled Banner" be performed at all state functions, there have been several updates and revisions to suit the needs of the times.

A relatively tame tap dance to 'Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there,' popular through World War I, later morphed into a more provocative free-form sway emblematic of the Jazz Age.

In 1931, when it became clear the elaborate semaphore flag routine performed to 'O! Say does that star-spangled banner yet wave' had gone out of style, Herbert Hoover signed a resolution replacing it with a peppy jazz square, which was thenceforth known as the "Hoover Shuffle."

"What has sadly eluded nearly everyone's memory is not only these changes, but also the all-important grand finale during the routine's emotional climax," O'Neill said. "On the last line of the song, the singers leap into the air as high as they can, thrust a fist toward the sky, and land in a split."

"On one hand, I suppose it's unfortunate the majority of U.S. citizens are not aware of the rich tradition of movement that informs our expressions of patriotism," he continued, adding that before long finding someone who can dance the national anthem might be as rare as meeting someone who knows his state's handshake. "But we also shouldn't forget there is still a small group of individuals working to keep those traditions alive."

O'Neill made a point of praising presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, who along with his 12-member step crew, "Shade," has consistently whipped crowds into a frenzy on the campaign trail.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


Translation: Obama election campaign worker, welcome to Texas

One recent day near New Braunfels, Texas, a town where there is a large German-speaking population, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man trying to use his right hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window of his pickup and shouted: "Freut mich Sie zu sehen. Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser! Die Kühe haben hinein geschissen." (Translation: "Glad to see you. Don't drink the water! The cows have shit in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "I said, use BOTH hands!"

Sunday, July 1, 2012


The Onion / April 8, 2010

WASHINGTON—Citing a mutually shared vision of health care in America, congressional Republicans and the deadly bone-marrow cancer leukemia announced a joint effort Wednesday to repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the historic new bill that extends health benefits to 32 million Americans nationwide.

"Republicans have no greater ally in this fight than leukemia," said Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), who was flanked by Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), and the abnormal increase in white blood cells. "Denying insurance to Americans with preexisting conditions and ensuring that low-income Americans stand no chance of receiving quality health care are just a few of the core beliefs that the GOP and leukemia share."

"And believe me, if anyone is angrier than the Republican Party that children can no longer be denied coverage for having preexisting conditions, it's leukemia." DeMint continued. "We're a match made in heaven."

In the coming weeks, Republicans and leukemia will travel the country in an effort to diminish support for the increasingly popular bill, which GOP sources said goes against everything that Republicans and the massive accumulation of toxic cells stand for.

According to party leaders, all forms of the deadly blood disorder, including T-cell prolymphocytic leukemia, hairy cell leukemia, and large granular lymphocytic leukemia will lend their support to the Republican effort.

"I look around and I see Sen. Bob Bennett, Sen. Saxby Chambliss, eosinophilic and megakaryoblastic leukemia, and Sen. Pat Roberts, and I think, 'This is what the Republican Party is all about,'" Sen. McConnell said. "We don't like this new bill. We don't like that it will cut the national deficit by $1.3 trillion over the next 20 years. We don't like that it's now illegal for insurance companies to suddenly drop a parent for getting deathly ill. That's why we're so very proud to be working with leukemia."

While chronic leukemia was reportedly worried about how its association with the Republican Party would affect its public image, the destructive pathogen was ultimately swayed by language in the final bill that offers small business owners tax incentives to provide health care to their employees.

"Getting chronic on board was key," one Republican strategist said. "It made it politically viable for acute [leukemia] to join the repeal the effort."

A longtime ally of the Republican Party, leukemia also supported GOP efforts to stop President Bill Clinton from passing sweeping health care reform in 1994. A decade later it endorsed President George W. Bush's Medicare legislation, which effectively forced many senior citizens to pay full cost for prescription drugs. And in 1971 it supported President Richard Nixon's escalation of the Vietnam War into Laos.

"Leukemia has always been a disease that veers to the right," said Newsweek columnist Ezra Klein, adding that Republicans have also sought out the support of high-profile illnesses such as sickle-cell anemia, type 1 diabetes, and sepsis. "And at the end of the day, you can't ignore the fact that this deadly blood disorder has a lot to lose if the bill succeeds."

Thus far, Republicans and leukemia are confident that the bill will be repealed.

"In 2010 leukemia and the Republican Party will make history," a spokesman for the illness said. "Because years from now, when people look back and ask who was on the right side of the issue, they'll remember the day that Republicans and leukemia came together to make a real, permanent difference in the lives of millions of Americans."