PERRY: FORGET MY FLUB IN 2012, 2016 IS WHAT WILL COUNT

“I’m seriously considering another run for the presidency,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry, “because the country needs a strong conservative leader with my longstanding executive experience.” Perry also said that “Texas is an equal opportunity death penalty state”

By Ima Schmuck

AUSTIN -- Texas Governor Rick Perry was gracious enough to grant the editor of The Unconventional Gazette an exclusive interview.

Schmuck: Gov. Perry, thank you for taking the time out from your busy schedule to grant us this interview.

Perry: Think nothing of it Ms. Schmuck, it’s my pleasure.

S: Governor, will you be a candidate for the presidency in 2016?

P: Right now I can only say that I’m seriously considering another run for the presidency because the country needs a strong conservative leader with my longstanding executive experience. Among my fellow Republicans, Romney doesn’t have the experience that I’ve got. Neither do Jeb Bush or Chris Christie.

S: In the last presidential campaign, during a debate with your fellow Republicans, you said that as President you would get rid of three federal agencies, but you could only name the Commerce and Education Departments and it wasn’t until later in the debate that you remembered the third one, the Energy Department. How can you overcome that embarrassment?

P: That was embarrassing alright. All I can say is, forget my flub in 2012, 2016 is what will count.

S: Alright Governor, let’s get to some issues. Where do you stand on gay marriage?

P. In Texas we strongly believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman. As long as I’m governor, Texas will not allow a marriage between two men or two women if I can help it. I don’t care if them liberal eastern and western states allow that crap, we ain’t gonna have any of that in Texas. As you must know, there are men who like to have sex with goats or women who like to have sex with their dogs. If we allow gay marriage, then those perverts will want the right to marry them goats and dogs. Like I said, we ain’t gonna have any gay marriages in Texas if I can help it!

S: Governor Perry, the Human Rights Clinic at the University of Texas Law School recently released a highly critical 40-page report which said Texas prisons are so hot during summers that the “convicts and guards are broiling in conditions that are dangerous, unconstitutional and violate international human rights accords.” How do you respond to that?

P: I strongly disagree with that report. It’s more of that liberal ‘hug a convict’ crap! I’ll grant you that our prisons are not Club Med. But we are not going to run a resort for convicted felons. Prisons are designed to punish wrongdoers. That bunch in Austin wants us to air condition every one of our 109 state prisons. Fine, let them liberals provide the money. I’m sure not going to ask the taxpayers to do it.

S: But since 1998, heat related illnesses have resulted in 19 Texas inmate deaths. Doesn’t that bother you?

P: Not much. I can sleep with a clear conscience. We are currently housing about 170,000 inmates in our prison units. While I sympathize with the families of those 19 inmates who died, that number is absolutely insignificant, considering we have that many inmates in custody. Many of our law abiding citizens do not have air conditioned homes and some of them also die from heat related illnesses. And every year construction workers and other laborers die from the heat. As for our inmates, as long as we provide lots of ice water for them and strategically place cooling fans in the cell blocks to circulate the air, we have fulfilled our obligations to provide them with a safe and humane environment.

S: Governor, I know you’re a strong supporter of the death penalty, but what about the suffering inmates go through during an execution using lethal drugs?

P: Suffering? You’ve gotta be kidding Ms. Schmuck. Where in the U.S. Constitution does it say that executions must be painless and without any suffering? If I had my way, we would bring back ‘Old Sparky”, the electric chair. It bothers the heck out of me that all you liberals are so concerned about a few minutes of discomfort for a cold blooded murderer. That Lockett fella shot a teenage girl and had her buried alive. Her death sure as hell wasn’t without pain and suffering. What about the cruel and unusual way she met her end? All you liberals don’t want to remember that, all you want to do is to abolish the death penalty. I wish we could bring back Old Sparky! Let’s singe the scumbag a little!

S: African-Americans make up less than 15 percent of the Texas population, but most of those executed and most of those awaiting execution in your state are black. Doesn’t that show the death penalty in Texas is fraught with racism?

P: No mam, it does not! What it shows is that a greater percentage of blacks are committing murders deserving of the death penalty than whites. I can assure you that when it comes to executing murderers we are not racist, Texas is an equal opportunity death penalty state.

S: You say equal opportunity. If you put it that way, others would categorize the large number of blacks sentenced to death as affirmative action.

P: That’s not funny Ms. Schmuck! If you’ll look at that liberal state of California you will find over 700 inmates on death row, and of those inmates, more are black than white. Does that make California’s death penalty racist? By your reasoning, I could say that California is an affirmative action death penalty state.

S: Good point Governor. Let’s move onto something else. What about Obama’s Affordable Care Act?

P: If I’m elected President, my first act will be to call on Congress to repeal that monstrosity.

S: What about strengthening our gun control laws so there won’t be a repeat of the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre and other mass shootings?

P: We don’t need any more gun control laws. If the Feds would just enforce the laws already on the books, you’ll see what I’m talking about. You know, if one of them teachers or the principal at that school had been armed, maybe all those poor little children would not have been killed. Isn’t Connecticut one of those states with real strict gun controls? A lot of good those restriction did them.

S: So you believe that school employees should be armed.

P: Ms. Schmuck, I believe that all law abiding citizens of sound mind should have the right to bear arms. If you took guns away from honest citizens like they’ve done in Noo York and California, then the only ones besides cops to have guns will be the criminals. I want every homeowner to have a gun to ward off any home intruders.

S: But Governor, wouldn’t it be better if those homeowners called the police?

P: Let me answer that this way. When seconds count, the police are minutes away!

S: Now, what about foreign policy?

P: I’m glad we’re getting to that. I think President Obama’s foreign policy has been a disaster. Since he’s taken office, much of the world no longer respects us and our enemies no longer fear us. The Holy Land, Syria, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Ukraine … what a mess!

S: What about the Holy Land? How do you stand on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict?

P: I will come down strongly on the Israeli side. I’ve been to Israel a number of times. It is the only true democracy in the Middle East and it is the only ally in that whole region that we can count on. So what has Obama done since he took office? He’s become hostile to the Jewish state. He despises Netanyahu. Obama blames the collapse of Secretary Kerry’s peace process on the building of Jewish settlements and Israel’s refusal to release a third batch of Palestinian terrorists.

S: But the Arabs have always complained that the U.S. has sided with Israel, that it has not taken a balanced approach to the conflict.

P: So what! Let them complain. Do you think for one minute that the Palestinians really want to make peace with the Israelis? In a pig’s eye! Any peace treaty would just be a stepping stone on the road to Israel’s destruction. Abbas has stated over and over again that there will be only one state, Palestine, from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean Sea. Of course, he says that in Arabic. To us and the Europeans he speaks in English and says he wants a two-state solution. Abbas is a bald-faced liar!

S: Well then, how would your administration handle that conflict.

P: I’m glad you asked that. I would get together with Netanyahu or whoever is prime minister and work out whatever plan the Israelis would accept. Then I would go to Abbas or whoever is the Palestinian leader, show him that plan and tell him to take it or leave it! If he refuses to accept the plan, I would cut off all aid to the Palestinians. Screw ‘em!

S: But aren’t you afraid that would bring on another Arab oil boycott?

P: Ha, just let them try it. For the last couple of years the shale deposits in Texas and other states and our off-shore drilling have produced more oil than our country needs. I don’t think them Aarabs are so stupid as to lose the money they get from us for their oil … they need it for building more palaces, getting more yachts and driving more exotic cars. … Now Ms. Schmuck, that’s all the time I have for now. I’ve got an appointment with my hair dresser in 15 minutes. Please be so kind as to remind your readers that Texas is a business friendly state with low taxes for all its citizens. Y’all come on down to Texas!

S: Thank you Governor Perry.