The Onion / November 28, 2012
WASHINGTON—Amid ongoing negotiations in Congress over the looming “fiscal cliff,” Rep. Tom Reed (R-NY) told reporters Wednesday he is “completely torn” between his commitment to conservative activist Grover Norquist’s meaningless anti-tax pledge and the general welfare of the entire country.
“On the one hand, you have a nonsensical promise to blindly oppose tax increases regardless of circumstances, but on the other, you have the well-being of more than 300 million people and the long-term stability of the entire U.S. economy,” said Reed, adding that he is “really stuck between a rock and a hard place” now that he must decide between his loyalty to a dogmatic political lobbyist and his responsibility to serve the best interests of his constituents. “At the end of the day, it’s a question of whether a nonbinding signature on an outdated and worthless pledge written 26 years ago is more important than preventing the nation from completely going to hell. I just don’t know what to do here.”
When reached for comment, Norquist urged the pledge’s signatories in Congress to “remember what’s really important” before sacrificing utterly irrational principles for the sake of the country’s future.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
GOD TOLD WOMAN TO DRIVE 100MPH
God may indeed be the divine ruler of all creation. For now, police officers still make the rules on Florida’s roads
By Jerry Reynolds
Car Pro News / November 28, 2012
How else to explain why a Florida woman who claimed the Lord told her to drive 100 miles per hour through a 30-mph residential neighborhood was nonetheless arrested for reckless driving?
Residents reported a woman in a silver Toyota was racing down a residential street near U.S. 1 in Fort Pierce, Fla., on Nov. 20, and repeatedly honking her horn and frantically waving her arms and gesturing. Officers pursued her in a high-speed chase.
When Melissa Miller, 41, finally pulled over, she told officers that “I was letting the Lord spirit guide me,” according to a police report of the incident. She said she repeatedly honked loudly because “The Lord was telling me to do it.”
By Jerry Reynolds
Car Pro News / November 28, 2012
How else to explain why a Florida woman who claimed the Lord told her to drive 100 miles per hour through a 30-mph residential neighborhood was nonetheless arrested for reckless driving?
Residents reported a woman in a silver Toyota was racing down a residential street near U.S. 1 in Fort Pierce, Fla., on Nov. 20, and repeatedly honking her horn and frantically waving her arms and gesturing. Officers pursued her in a high-speed chase.
When Melissa Miller, 41, finally pulled over, she told officers that “I was letting the Lord spirit guide me,” according to a police report of the incident. She said she repeatedly honked loudly because “The Lord was telling me to do it.”
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
KIM JONG-UN NAMED THE ONION’S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE FOR 2012
The Onion / November 14, 2012
The Onion is proud to announce that North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, 29, has officially been named the newspaper’s Sexiest Man Alive for the year 2012.
With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile.
“He has that rare ability to somehow be completely adorable and completely macho at the same time,” Onion Style and Entertainment editor Marissa Blake-Zweibel said. “And that’s the quality that makes him the sort of man women want, and men want to be. He’s a real hunk with real intensity who also knows how to cut loose and let his hair down.”
Added Blake-Zweibel, “Ri Sol-ju is one lucky lady, that’s for sure!”
With today’s announcement, Kim joins the ranks of The Onion’s prior “Sexiest Man Alive” winners, including:
2011: Bashar al-Assad
2010: Bernie Madoff
2009: Charles and David Koch (co-winners)
2008: Ted Kaczynski
2007: T. Herman Zweibel
The Onion’s commemorative “Sexiest Man Alive” issue will be available on newsstands everywhere this Friday and contains a full 16-page spread on Kim.
UPDATE 11-27-12: For more coverage on The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive 2012, Kim Jong-Un, please visit our friends at the People's Daily in China, a proud Communist subsidiary of The Onion, Inc. Exemplary reportage, comrades.
__________
EDITOR’S NOTE: The People's Daily, China's official news agency, mistakenly believed the article from The Onion about the 2012 Sexiest Man Alive was for real.
THE ONION STRIKES AGAIN – CHINA CALLS KIM JUNG UN SEXIEST MAN ALIVE
By Michael Blaustein
New York Post
November 27, 2012
According to the official mouthpiece of China's Communist Party, North Korea's newest supreme leader, Kim Jung Un, is the sexiest man alive for 2012.
China's People Daily reached their oddball conclusion after taking an article from the satirical news Web site The Onion seriously.
"With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman's dream come true," the People's Daily quoted from The Onion.
"Kim made this newspaper's editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile," China's news agency continued in their quotation.
China is the second foreign power to take The Onion too seriously, earlier this year Iran's official news agency plagiarized The Onion's article, "Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama."
In Iran's case, the Persian country simply lifted fake information from The Onion which said that rural white Americans would rather vote for their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, than President Obama.
China, on the other hand, seemed to have simply missed the fact that The Onion's article was a joke, thus overlooking some obvious clues to the article's falsity.
For example, The Onion has a history of choosing clearly unsexy men for their award. In 2011 they chose Syria's despotic President Bashar al-Assad, in 2010 they went with ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff and in 2008 they picked Ted Kaczynski, The Unabomber.
The Onion is proud to announce that North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, 29, has officially been named the newspaper’s Sexiest Man Alive for the year 2012.
With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile.
“He has that rare ability to somehow be completely adorable and completely macho at the same time,” Onion Style and Entertainment editor Marissa Blake-Zweibel said. “And that’s the quality that makes him the sort of man women want, and men want to be. He’s a real hunk with real intensity who also knows how to cut loose and let his hair down.”
Added Blake-Zweibel, “Ri Sol-ju is one lucky lady, that’s for sure!”
With today’s announcement, Kim joins the ranks of The Onion’s prior “Sexiest Man Alive” winners, including:
2011: Bashar al-Assad
2010: Bernie Madoff
2009: Charles and David Koch (co-winners)
2008: Ted Kaczynski
2007: T. Herman Zweibel
The Onion’s commemorative “Sexiest Man Alive” issue will be available on newsstands everywhere this Friday and contains a full 16-page spread on Kim.
UPDATE 11-27-12: For more coverage on The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive 2012, Kim Jong-Un, please visit our friends at the People's Daily in China, a proud Communist subsidiary of The Onion, Inc. Exemplary reportage, comrades.
__________
EDITOR’S NOTE: The People's Daily, China's official news agency, mistakenly believed the article from The Onion about the 2012 Sexiest Man Alive was for real.
THE ONION STRIKES AGAIN – CHINA CALLS KIM JUNG UN SEXIEST MAN ALIVE
By Michael Blaustein
New York Post
November 27, 2012
According to the official mouthpiece of China's Communist Party, North Korea's newest supreme leader, Kim Jung Un, is the sexiest man alive for 2012.
China's People Daily reached their oddball conclusion after taking an article from the satirical news Web site The Onion seriously.
"With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman's dream come true," the People's Daily quoted from The Onion.
"Kim made this newspaper's editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile," China's news agency continued in their quotation.
China is the second foreign power to take The Onion too seriously, earlier this year Iran's official news agency plagiarized The Onion's article, "Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama."
In Iran's case, the Persian country simply lifted fake information from The Onion which said that rural white Americans would rather vote for their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, than President Obama.
China, on the other hand, seemed to have simply missed the fact that The Onion's article was a joke, thus overlooking some obvious clues to the article's falsity.
For example, The Onion has a history of choosing clearly unsexy men for their award. In 2011 they chose Syria's despotic President Bashar al-Assad, in 2010 they went with ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff and in 2008 they picked Ted Kaczynski, The Unabomber.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
DETECTIVES OVERLOOKED CASEY ANTHONY’S ‘I KILLED MY DAUGHTER’ AMA ON REDDIT
The Onion / November 26, 2012
ORLANDO, FL—More than a year after Casey Anthony was acquitted of her daughter’s murder, the Florida sheriff’s office that investigated the case admitted Monday that it had overlooked a key piece of evidence: a discussion thread Anthony posted on the social news site Reddit titled “I killed my daughter AMA.”
“I am Casey Anthony, a 22-year-old mom who just murdered her 2-year-old daughter and hid her body in the woods. Ask me anything!” read an introductory bio at the top of the June 16, 2008 thread, in which Anthony responded in detail to users’ questions about how she knocked her child unconscious with chloroform before suffocating her with duct tape and attempting to cover up the incriminating evidence. “I’ll be on here for the next couple hours, happy to talk about any part of my experience and share tips, especially if you’re thinking about doing this yourself. I’m an open book!”
Investigators confirmed that Anthony’s post about how to properly stash your dead daughter’s corpse in a trash bag and store it in the trunk of your car received more than 500 up-votes.
ORLANDO, FL—More than a year after Casey Anthony was acquitted of her daughter’s murder, the Florida sheriff’s office that investigated the case admitted Monday that it had overlooked a key piece of evidence: a discussion thread Anthony posted on the social news site Reddit titled “I killed my daughter AMA.”
“I am Casey Anthony, a 22-year-old mom who just murdered her 2-year-old daughter and hid her body in the woods. Ask me anything!” read an introductory bio at the top of the June 16, 2008 thread, in which Anthony responded in detail to users’ questions about how she knocked her child unconscious with chloroform before suffocating her with duct tape and attempting to cover up the incriminating evidence. “I’ll be on here for the next couple hours, happy to talk about any part of my experience and share tips, especially if you’re thinking about doing this yourself. I’m an open book!”
Investigators confirmed that Anthony’s post about how to properly stash your dead daughter’s corpse in a trash bag and store it in the trunk of your car received more than 500 up-votes.
Friday, November 23, 2012
NEXT YEAR BLACK FRIDAY WILL START ON THE FIRST FRIDAY AFTER LABOR DAY
The Unconventional Gazette / November 23, 2012
Many of America’s retailers moved Black Friday ahead to 8 p.m. and 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day. Seeking good bargains, millions of shoppers flooded stores all across the nation when the store doors were opened Thursday evening.
Matt Shay, President and CEO of the National Retail Federation (NRF), today announced that, because early Black Friday was such an overwhelming success, next year NRF members will move Black Friday ahead to the first Friday after Labor Day, with the doors to be opened one minute after midnight on September 6, 2013.
NRF is the leading organization of American retailers and counts Walmart, Target, Macy’s, Kohl’s, Sears, Best Buy, Toys Я Us, Home Depot, Lowe’s, Walgreens, and CVS Pharmacy among its many members.
Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that this year retailers moved Black Friday ahead because their customers wanted to start their Christmas shopping earlier.
“We took a survey of Thursday night’s shoppers and found that they want to move Black Friday ahead even further,” said Shay. “When we mentioned the first Friday after Labor Day, most of our respondents said they were very much in favor of such a move.”
While many NRF members are already planning to hold Black Friday on September 6 next year, Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that “I can foresee moving Black Friday as far ahead as Easter sometime within the next few years."
Many of America’s retailers moved Black Friday ahead to 8 p.m. and 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day. Seeking good bargains, millions of shoppers flooded stores all across the nation when the store doors were opened Thursday evening.
Matt Shay, President and CEO of the National Retail Federation (NRF), today announced that, because early Black Friday was such an overwhelming success, next year NRF members will move Black Friday ahead to the first Friday after Labor Day, with the doors to be opened one minute after midnight on September 6, 2013.
NRF is the leading organization of American retailers and counts Walmart, Target, Macy’s, Kohl’s, Sears, Best Buy, Toys Я Us, Home Depot, Lowe’s, Walgreens, and CVS Pharmacy among its many members.
Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that this year retailers moved Black Friday ahead because their customers wanted to start their Christmas shopping earlier.
“We took a survey of Thursday night’s shoppers and found that they want to move Black Friday ahead even further,” said Shay. “When we mentioned the first Friday after Labor Day, most of our respondents said they were very much in favor of such a move.”
While many NRF members are already planning to hold Black Friday on September 6 next year, Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that “I can foresee moving Black Friday as far ahead as Easter sometime within the next few years."
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
NAKED WOMAN JUMPS INTO TAXI
The Unconventional Gazette / November 21, 2012
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, my twat or my ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her ..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, my twat or my ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her ..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
DEER STEALS CIGARETTES AFTER ATTACKING TWO MEN IN EAST TEXAS
By David Moye / The Huffington Post / November 19, 2012
One more reason not to smoke: Deer attacks.
Cole Kellis and Joseph Rose of Whitehouse, Texas, found out about this hazard on Friday when they ran into a young buck in their front yard, according to KETK-TV.
The deer seemed friendly, so Rose approached it.
Big mistake, as the deer charged them and began to attack. The men ran to Rose's pick-up hoping to escape, but the buck poked Rose in the ribs with his antlers, forcing Rose to jump into the back of the truck for safety.
Rose was safe, but his cigarettes were not.
"[The deer] climbed up [into the truck cab], put his front paws on my seat and got my pack of cigarettes and started chewing on them," Rose said.
When the buck got even more aggressive, Rose and Kellis called the police and the Game Warden for help.
Even with the use of a stun gun, it took five men to restrain the angry, tobacco-addicted buck.
Smith County Game Warden Dustin Dockery suggested that the whole incident could have been avoided.
"Admire deer from a distance, but do not approach them because they can be dangerous," he told the KETK-TV.
This nicotine-loving deer isn't the only antlered creature to cause trouble in recent months.
In October, a randy elk had to be relocated after he began trying to mate with cows on a Canadian ranch.
And back in September, a couple in Austin, Texas, had to deal with a deer that repeatedly attacked a sign supporting Barack Obama on their front lawn.
Signs supporting Republican candidates were unharmed.
One more reason not to smoke: Deer attacks.
Cole Kellis and Joseph Rose of Whitehouse, Texas, found out about this hazard on Friday when they ran into a young buck in their front yard, according to KETK-TV.
The deer seemed friendly, so Rose approached it.
Big mistake, as the deer charged them and began to attack. The men ran to Rose's pick-up hoping to escape, but the buck poked Rose in the ribs with his antlers, forcing Rose to jump into the back of the truck for safety.
Rose was safe, but his cigarettes were not.
"[The deer] climbed up [into the truck cab], put his front paws on my seat and got my pack of cigarettes and started chewing on them," Rose said.
When the buck got even more aggressive, Rose and Kellis called the police and the Game Warden for help.
Even with the use of a stun gun, it took five men to restrain the angry, tobacco-addicted buck.
Smith County Game Warden Dustin Dockery suggested that the whole incident could have been avoided.
"Admire deer from a distance, but do not approach them because they can be dangerous," he told the KETK-TV.
This nicotine-loving deer isn't the only antlered creature to cause trouble in recent months.
In October, a randy elk had to be relocated after he began trying to mate with cows on a Canadian ranch.
And back in September, a couple in Austin, Texas, had to deal with a deer that repeatedly attacked a sign supporting Barack Obama on their front lawn.
Signs supporting Republican candidates were unharmed.
Monday, November 19, 2012
WIDENING PETRAEUS SCANDAL REVEALS HUMAN RACE HAS BEEN HAVING SEX FOR 200,000 YEARS
The Onion / November 13, 2012
WASHINGTON—Following the recent revelation that former CIA director David Petraeus conducted a protracted extramarital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell, sources confirmed today that the far-reaching scandal has widened to reveal that mankind, otherwise known as the species Homo sapiens, has been engaging in sexual intercourse for the past 200,000 years.
“While the situation appeared at first to be limited to this one sexual relationship between Gen. Petraeus and Ms. Broadwell, we see now that it is far more extensive than we had initially believed,” said an FBI official who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the ongoing investigation. “Indeed, evidence shows Gen. Petraeus is, in fact, just one of literally billions of human beings who we now believe have on numerous occasions engaged in sexual intercourse over the last several hundred millennia.”
“No matter how far back we go, we just continue to find more and more corroborating proof of people having sex,” the official added. “There’s simply no end in sight.”
Officials were reportedly first alerted to the allegations after the discovery of thousands of documents this week, including e-mails, letters, and photographs, which led them to believe that millions of other people beyond Gen. Petraeus have been having sex since perhaps the middle Paleolithic period, and continue to have sex today in various partnerships and in all 196 countries worldwide.
A further investigation into the matter then revealed not only that people have been frequently engaging in sex throughout modern history, but also that they have been doing so at least since the first precursors to modern humans gained the ability to walk upright, and that sexual intercourse is a natural biological function that may indeed be widespread and prevalent throughout all human eras.
“The scope of this scandal is simply astonishing—there is currently enough evidence to implicate individuals from every part of the world, even dating back before the creation of modern international states,” said one source close to the investigation, adding that the FBI has collected millions of first-person accounts of people who have either had sex themselves or witnessed others performing sexual acts. “There are even thousands of hours of video evidence that cyber-security experts in D.C. and Langley have managed to find on the Internet.”
“The real question is, ‘Who knew about this? And for how long?’” the anonymous source added.
According to reports, a comprehensive global probe jointly conducted by the FBI and CIA also revealed that, in addition to Gen. Petraeus, others alleged to have had sex in the past include Leon Panetta, Condoleezza Rice, Ben Bernanke, George Stephanopoulos, John Lennon, Charlotte Brontë, Jack Nicholson, William Shakespeare, Andre Agassi, Plato, Ulysses S. Grant, Queen Elizabeth II, Ted Avery of Dayton, OH, George Washington, Karen Avery of Dayton, OH, every past and present member of the band Chicago, Sir Isaac Newton, Bill Gates, Andie MacDowell, Benjamin Franklin, Leonardo da Vinci, Vince Lombardi, and Adolf Hitler.
“A closer look at the evidence indicates that even the earliest primates engaged in acts of sexual intercourse,” said Dr. Jacob Reynolds, a historian at the University of North Carolina. “We have even discovered lewd depictions engraved on stone tablets dating all the way back to 10,000 BC in what is now modern-day Turkey. But it is very possible that this controversy stretches back farther than any of our historical records.”
Reynolds confirmed that in addition to human beings, many well-known animals are also thought to have engaged in sexual activity, including millions of bears, sheep, goats, and even numerous fish and insect species.
Furthermore, sources indicated that sexual activity may extend all the way to the White House.
While the full extent of the investigation is not known at this time, sources said the FBI will likely continue looking into the matter until “everyone and everything involved in this matter is brought to light.”
At press time, officials estimated that roughly 15,000 human beings are having sex at this exact moment.
WASHINGTON—Following the recent revelation that former CIA director David Petraeus conducted a protracted extramarital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell, sources confirmed today that the far-reaching scandal has widened to reveal that mankind, otherwise known as the species Homo sapiens, has been engaging in sexual intercourse for the past 200,000 years.
“While the situation appeared at first to be limited to this one sexual relationship between Gen. Petraeus and Ms. Broadwell, we see now that it is far more extensive than we had initially believed,” said an FBI official who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the ongoing investigation. “Indeed, evidence shows Gen. Petraeus is, in fact, just one of literally billions of human beings who we now believe have on numerous occasions engaged in sexual intercourse over the last several hundred millennia.”
“No matter how far back we go, we just continue to find more and more corroborating proof of people having sex,” the official added. “There’s simply no end in sight.”
Officials were reportedly first alerted to the allegations after the discovery of thousands of documents this week, including e-mails, letters, and photographs, which led them to believe that millions of other people beyond Gen. Petraeus have been having sex since perhaps the middle Paleolithic period, and continue to have sex today in various partnerships and in all 196 countries worldwide.
A further investigation into the matter then revealed not only that people have been frequently engaging in sex throughout modern history, but also that they have been doing so at least since the first precursors to modern humans gained the ability to walk upright, and that sexual intercourse is a natural biological function that may indeed be widespread and prevalent throughout all human eras.
“The scope of this scandal is simply astonishing—there is currently enough evidence to implicate individuals from every part of the world, even dating back before the creation of modern international states,” said one source close to the investigation, adding that the FBI has collected millions of first-person accounts of people who have either had sex themselves or witnessed others performing sexual acts. “There are even thousands of hours of video evidence that cyber-security experts in D.C. and Langley have managed to find on the Internet.”
“The real question is, ‘Who knew about this? And for how long?’” the anonymous source added.
According to reports, a comprehensive global probe jointly conducted by the FBI and CIA also revealed that, in addition to Gen. Petraeus, others alleged to have had sex in the past include Leon Panetta, Condoleezza Rice, Ben Bernanke, George Stephanopoulos, John Lennon, Charlotte Brontë, Jack Nicholson, William Shakespeare, Andre Agassi, Plato, Ulysses S. Grant, Queen Elizabeth II, Ted Avery of Dayton, OH, George Washington, Karen Avery of Dayton, OH, every past and present member of the band Chicago, Sir Isaac Newton, Bill Gates, Andie MacDowell, Benjamin Franklin, Leonardo da Vinci, Vince Lombardi, and Adolf Hitler.
“A closer look at the evidence indicates that even the earliest primates engaged in acts of sexual intercourse,” said Dr. Jacob Reynolds, a historian at the University of North Carolina. “We have even discovered lewd depictions engraved on stone tablets dating all the way back to 10,000 BC in what is now modern-day Turkey. But it is very possible that this controversy stretches back farther than any of our historical records.”
Reynolds confirmed that in addition to human beings, many well-known animals are also thought to have engaged in sexual activity, including millions of bears, sheep, goats, and even numerous fish and insect species.
Furthermore, sources indicated that sexual activity may extend all the way to the White House.
While the full extent of the investigation is not known at this time, sources said the FBI will likely continue looking into the matter until “everyone and everything involved in this matter is brought to light.”
At press time, officials estimated that roughly 15,000 human beings are having sex at this exact moment.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
ROMNEY, THE IDIOT
Blames his election loss on government gifts Obama provided to his supporters
BarkGrowlBite / November 18, 2012
While talking to some donors, here is how Romney attributed his loss to Obama: “What the president -- president's campaign did was focus on certain members of his base coalition, give them extraordinary financial gifts from the government, and -- and then work very aggressively to turn them out to vote.”
Here is what Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal had to say about Romney’s idiotic remark: “If you want voters to like you, the first thing you've got to do is to like them first. And it's certainly not helpful to tell voters that you think their votes were bought. This is completely not helpful. This is not where the Republican Party needs to go.”
Here is what Newt Gingrich had to say: “I just think it's nuts. I mean -- I mean, first of all, it's insulting. This would be like Walmart having a bad week and going, 'The customers have really been unruly.' I mean, the job of a political leader in part is to understand the people. If we can't offer a better future that is believable to more people, we're not going to win.”
And George Will said: “It's been well said that you have a political problem when the voters don't like you, but you've got a real problem when the voters think you don't like them. And that is -- Mitt Romney was picking up the theme he improvidently put before the country and inadvertently with his 47 percent video during the campaign.”
BarkGrowlBite / November 18, 2012
While talking to some donors, here is how Romney attributed his loss to Obama: “What the president -- president's campaign did was focus on certain members of his base coalition, give them extraordinary financial gifts from the government, and -- and then work very aggressively to turn them out to vote.”
Here is what Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal had to say about Romney’s idiotic remark: “If you want voters to like you, the first thing you've got to do is to like them first. And it's certainly not helpful to tell voters that you think their votes were bought. This is completely not helpful. This is not where the Republican Party needs to go.”
Here is what Newt Gingrich had to say: “I just think it's nuts. I mean -- I mean, first of all, it's insulting. This would be like Walmart having a bad week and going, 'The customers have really been unruly.' I mean, the job of a political leader in part is to understand the people. If we can't offer a better future that is believable to more people, we're not going to win.”
And George Will said: “It's been well said that you have a political problem when the voters don't like you, but you've got a real problem when the voters think you don't like them. And that is -- Mitt Romney was picking up the theme he improvidently put before the country and inadvertently with his 47 percent video during the campaign.”
Saturday, November 17, 2012
THE CIA’S PERFECT SPY
Israel Hayom / November 16, 2012
The CIA decided to train the perfect spy and plant him in Moscow. The best teachers taught him Russian language, culture and dress. After four years of preparation, he knew every possible detail of a Russian citizen’s life.
When the agent landed in Moscow, he told a police officer at passport control, in perfect Russian, “I’m happy to come home to Russia.” The Russian police officer answered in English, “But you’re a spy from the CIA.”
The agent left the airport, got into a taxi, and spoke to the driver in perfect Russian.
The taxi driver answered in English, “Ah, you’re a spy from the CIA.”
When they reached the hotel, the man spoke to the doorman in perfect Russian and got yet another answer in English: “You’re a spy from the CIA.”
This time, the man asked the doorman, “My clothes are from Moscow and my Russian is perfect. So why are people saying right away that I’m an American spy?”
The doorman burst out laughing. “You’re black and six feet tall.”
The CIA decided to train the perfect spy and plant him in Moscow. The best teachers taught him Russian language, culture and dress. After four years of preparation, he knew every possible detail of a Russian citizen’s life.
When the agent landed in Moscow, he told a police officer at passport control, in perfect Russian, “I’m happy to come home to Russia.” The Russian police officer answered in English, “But you’re a spy from the CIA.”
The agent left the airport, got into a taxi, and spoke to the driver in perfect Russian.
The taxi driver answered in English, “Ah, you’re a spy from the CIA.”
When they reached the hotel, the man spoke to the doorman in perfect Russian and got yet another answer in English: “You’re a spy from the CIA.”
This time, the man asked the doorman, “My clothes are from Moscow and my Russian is perfect. So why are people saying right away that I’m an American spy?”
The doorman burst out laughing. “You’re black and six feet tall.”
Friday, November 16, 2012
BP CEO: ‘WE DEEPLY REGRET THE TRAGIC LOSS OF $4.5 BILLION’
The Onion / November 15, 2012
LONDON—After his company agreed to plead guilty to 14 criminal charges in connection with the Deep Horizon accident and oil spill, BP chief executive Bob Dudley released an official statement Thursday expressing his “profound and heartfelt remorse” over the loss of $4.5 billion in fines.
“All of us at BP deeply regret any negligence on our part that may have led to this tragic oil spill and the tremendous damage it has inflicted upon our profitability,” Dudley said of the disaster that may eventually cost his company more than $40 billion in settlements and penalties. “We never intended to upset the incredibly delicate balance of our finances, and efforts to restore the billions of dollars lost in this unspeakable catastrophe will continue until we ensure ensure just compensation for every last shareholder.”
Reached for further comment, Dudley told reporters that while he feels “tremendous sorrow over losing $4.5 billion,” he’s just thankful it only amounts to 1 percent of the company’s gross revenue for 2011.
LONDON—After his company agreed to plead guilty to 14 criminal charges in connection with the Deep Horizon accident and oil spill, BP chief executive Bob Dudley released an official statement Thursday expressing his “profound and heartfelt remorse” over the loss of $4.5 billion in fines.
“All of us at BP deeply regret any negligence on our part that may have led to this tragic oil spill and the tremendous damage it has inflicted upon our profitability,” Dudley said of the disaster that may eventually cost his company more than $40 billion in settlements and penalties. “We never intended to upset the incredibly delicate balance of our finances, and efforts to restore the billions of dollars lost in this unspeakable catastrophe will continue until we ensure ensure just compensation for every last shareholder.”
Reached for further comment, Dudley told reporters that while he feels “tremendous sorrow over losing $4.5 billion,” he’s just thankful it only amounts to 1 percent of the company’s gross revenue for 2011.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
INTERIM CIA DIRECTOR ASSURES NATION HE ENGAGES IN NO SEXUAL ACTIVITY WHATSOEVER
The Onion / November 12, 2012
WASHINGTON—Following the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus amid recent reports of marital infidelity, current acting director Michael Morell assured Americans Monday that he does not engage in any form of sexual activity whatsoever.
“Under no circumstances do I ever take part in sexual acts of any kind, nor do I desire to, nor have I ever deemed this activity necessary in any way,” Morell told reporters at a press conference, explaining that his genitals are “solely for excreting urine and absolutely nothing else.” “I have never had sex in the past, I am not having sex now, and I guarantee I will never have sex in the future, be it for pleasure, procreation, or any other purpose. Indeed, I am a fully asexual being who possesses neither the need nor the inclination for sexual intercourse.”
Morell then stared unblinkingly at the assembled press corps for a full five minutes.
WASHINGTON—Following the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus amid recent reports of marital infidelity, current acting director Michael Morell assured Americans Monday that he does not engage in any form of sexual activity whatsoever.
“Under no circumstances do I ever take part in sexual acts of any kind, nor do I desire to, nor have I ever deemed this activity necessary in any way,” Morell told reporters at a press conference, explaining that his genitals are “solely for excreting urine and absolutely nothing else.” “I have never had sex in the past, I am not having sex now, and I guarantee I will never have sex in the future, be it for pleasure, procreation, or any other purpose. Indeed, I am a fully asexual being who possesses neither the need nor the inclination for sexual intercourse.”
Morell then stared unblinkingly at the assembled press corps for a full five minutes.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
BOOZE IT UP FOR A HEALTHIER LIFE
The Unconventional Gazette / November 13, 2012
In a number of carefully controlled scientific trials, researchers have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop a year.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer, wine, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Booze = Clean
Therefore, it is far better to drink beer, wine, etc., and get shitfaced, than to drink water and be full of shit.
In a number of carefully controlled scientific trials, researchers have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop a year.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer, wine, tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Booze = Clean
Therefore, it is far better to drink beer, wine, etc., and get shitfaced, than to drink water and be full of shit.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
THE ENLIGHTENED STATES OF AMERICA (E.S.A.)
The only other secession occurred in 1861
The Unconventional Gazette / November 11, 2012
Ima Schmuck, our editor, received the following notice from New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg:
Attention Red States
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics, and we've decided we're seceding.
We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.).
To sum up briefly:
We get Silicone Valley, Wall Street and the best beaches. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research. You get mosquito-borne diseases.
We get sharp progressives like Al Franken, Tammy Baldwin and Elizabeth Warren. You get dumbass conservatives like Rick Perry, Todd 'Legitimate Rape' Akin and Rush Limbaugh.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Texas’ death row.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Kentucky Fried Chicken.
We get Harvard. You get Angola.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get tobacco farms, migrant farmworkers and red necks.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue because our population is well educated. You get stuck with semiliterate high school graduates who can’t add, subtract, multiply or divide and with prison inmates.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and the premiere universities of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, and such notable institutions of higher education as Bob Jones University, Fruitland Baptist Bible Institute, Pat Robertson’s Regent University and Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that the theory of evolution is an atheist lie, 53% think that the CIA was behind 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We're taking the good California weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
/Signed/
Andrew M. Cuomo
Michael Bloomberg
Founding Fathers of the Enlightened States of America
The Unconventional Gazette / November 11, 2012
Ima Schmuck, our editor, received the following notice from New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg:
Attention Red States
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics, and we've decided we're seceding.
We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.).
To sum up briefly:
We get Silicone Valley, Wall Street and the best beaches. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research. You get mosquito-borne diseases.
We get sharp progressives like Al Franken, Tammy Baldwin and Elizabeth Warren. You get dumbass conservatives like Rick Perry, Todd 'Legitimate Rape' Akin and Rush Limbaugh.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Texas’ death row.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Kentucky Fried Chicken.
We get Harvard. You get Angola.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get tobacco farms, migrant farmworkers and red necks.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue because our population is well educated. You get stuck with semiliterate high school graduates who can’t add, subtract, multiply or divide and with prison inmates.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and the premiere universities of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, and such notable institutions of higher education as Bob Jones University, Fruitland Baptist Bible Institute, Pat Robertson’s Regent University and Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that the theory of evolution is an atheist lie, 53% think that the CIA was behind 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We're taking the good California weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
/Signed/
Andrew M. Cuomo
Michael Bloomberg
Founding Fathers of the Enlightened States of America
Friday, November 9, 2012
PRETENDING TO BE MARRIED
The Unconventional Gazette / November 9, 2012
A man and a woman, who had never met before but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and quickly fell asleep, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea,' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied ... 'Get your own fucking blanket!'
A man and a woman, who had never met before but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and quickly fell asleep, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea,' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied ... 'Get your own fucking blanket!'
Monday, November 5, 2012
THE ONION'S ISSUE-BY-ISSUE CANDIDATE GUIDE
The Onion / October 31, 2012
As Election Day nears, inform your vote with The Onion’s definitive issue-by-issue guide to the presidential candidates.
U.S. Presidential Candidates Barack Obama (Democrat) and Mitt Romney (Republican)
Entitlement Programs
O: At this point is just working on making sure all elderly Americans have something to shit into.
R: Romney is firmly against all entitlement programs except unemployment insurance, which he was forced to rely on in his mid-20s when he was an out-of-work manufacturing laborer in Massachusetts.
Abortion
O: Seeks to ensure that all women have unimpeded access to family planning resources and abortion providers, particularly Ann Barrows of Roanoke, VA, whom he met at a hotel bar on a campaign swing several months ago and whom he believes should definitely go to Planned Parenthood and really give some good, solid thought to terminating this pregnancy.
R: Pro-government-choice.
Israel
O: Recognizes there are 41 actual U.S. states that demand less of his attention than this obnoxious, self-important little puke of an ally.
R: Adamantly “pro-Heeb” and lovingly refers to the nation as “his little Jew-Jew-Be.”
Gun Control
O: Would like to see stricter gun controls laws but admits that giving post-shooting spree speeches is his time to shine.
R: Any weapons that help kill off the burgeoning deer population always running out in the middle of fucking traffic in Belmont, MA are fine by him.
Stance on Torture
O: Since he’s not running against torture-survivor John McCain this time around, he can finally express his true feelings on the subject: absolutely loves it.
R: Favors multiple forms of torture, including subjecting Americans to campaign stops, political rallies, commercials, and convention speeches.
Iran
O: Policy involves a lot of sighing and telling Hillary Clinton to please just fix it.
R: Is open to World War III if it increases GDP.
Education
O: Actually does believe copies of the Quran should be available in schools for its teachings on morality, but will probably wait another year or so to bring it up.
R: Romney is a spokesman for “It Gets Even Better,” a national PSA campaign targeted at bullies.
Taxes
O: See page 226 of ‘Mein Kampf.’
R: Has a tax plan that would take way too long to explain, but will totally work, so please just elect him president.
Immigration
O: Believes all individuals who come to the United States seeking a better life deserve the right to be pandered to by Democratic leaders for a few months once every two years.
R: Illegal immigrants who were brought to the country as small children will be granted citizenship, but their parents will be executed and they will be forced to watch.
The Environment
O: Has spoken at length about clean air and water and low carbon emissions, aiming to lull the environment into a false sense of trust and complacency, at which point he can frack the shit out of it.
R: Will reduce our contribution to greenhouse gases and harmful pollutants by closing down thousands of manufacturing plants and factories across the country.
The Economy
O: Considers the economy a distraction from other issues he considers important, such as being considered a success and having people like him.
R: Plans on implementing an economic policy that is better in every way imaginable and will also save you money, all while costing the government nothing. He’s just that good.
Health Care
O: Wonders what ideas Romney has on health care, as the Republican nominee has come up with some pretty great ones in the past – such as an individual mandate and insurance exchanges – so the president thinks it would be great to just pick his brain about what else to pursue.
R: Working on plan to provide Americans with affordable body bags.
As Election Day nears, inform your vote with The Onion’s definitive issue-by-issue guide to the presidential candidates.
U.S. Presidential Candidates Barack Obama (Democrat) and Mitt Romney (Republican)
Entitlement Programs
O: At this point is just working on making sure all elderly Americans have something to shit into.
R: Romney is firmly against all entitlement programs except unemployment insurance, which he was forced to rely on in his mid-20s when he was an out-of-work manufacturing laborer in Massachusetts.
Abortion
O: Seeks to ensure that all women have unimpeded access to family planning resources and abortion providers, particularly Ann Barrows of Roanoke, VA, whom he met at a hotel bar on a campaign swing several months ago and whom he believes should definitely go to Planned Parenthood and really give some good, solid thought to terminating this pregnancy.
R: Pro-government-choice.
Israel
O: Recognizes there are 41 actual U.S. states that demand less of his attention than this obnoxious, self-important little puke of an ally.
R: Adamantly “pro-Heeb” and lovingly refers to the nation as “his little Jew-Jew-Be.”
Gun Control
O: Would like to see stricter gun controls laws but admits that giving post-shooting spree speeches is his time to shine.
R: Any weapons that help kill off the burgeoning deer population always running out in the middle of fucking traffic in Belmont, MA are fine by him.
Stance on Torture
O: Since he’s not running against torture-survivor John McCain this time around, he can finally express his true feelings on the subject: absolutely loves it.
R: Favors multiple forms of torture, including subjecting Americans to campaign stops, political rallies, commercials, and convention speeches.
Iran
O: Policy involves a lot of sighing and telling Hillary Clinton to please just fix it.
R: Is open to World War III if it increases GDP.
Education
O: Actually does believe copies of the Quran should be available in schools for its teachings on morality, but will probably wait another year or so to bring it up.
R: Romney is a spokesman for “It Gets Even Better,” a national PSA campaign targeted at bullies.
Taxes
O: See page 226 of ‘Mein Kampf.’
R: Has a tax plan that would take way too long to explain, but will totally work, so please just elect him president.
Immigration
O: Believes all individuals who come to the United States seeking a better life deserve the right to be pandered to by Democratic leaders for a few months once every two years.
R: Illegal immigrants who were brought to the country as small children will be granted citizenship, but their parents will be executed and they will be forced to watch.
The Environment
O: Has spoken at length about clean air and water and low carbon emissions, aiming to lull the environment into a false sense of trust and complacency, at which point he can frack the shit out of it.
R: Will reduce our contribution to greenhouse gases and harmful pollutants by closing down thousands of manufacturing plants and factories across the country.
The Economy
O: Considers the economy a distraction from other issues he considers important, such as being considered a success and having people like him.
R: Plans on implementing an economic policy that is better in every way imaginable and will also save you money, all while costing the government nothing. He’s just that good.
Health Care
O: Wonders what ideas Romney has on health care, as the Republican nominee has come up with some pretty great ones in the past – such as an individual mandate and insurance exchanges – so the president thinks it would be great to just pick his brain about what else to pursue.
R: Working on plan to provide Americans with affordable body bags.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE
Struck in head by lightning-fast swing of 4-Wood
The Unconventional Gazette / November 4, 2012
A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball with a 4-Wood, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead of fucking lessons!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43. Funeral services are pending.
The Unconventional Gazette / November 4, 2012
A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball with a 4-Wood, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead of fucking lessons!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43. Funeral services are pending.
Friday, November 2, 2012
REPORT: ONLY WAY NATION WILL PAY ATTENTION TO CLIMATE CHANGE IS IF JULIA ROBERTS DIES IN HURRICANE
The Onion / October 31, 2012
TALLAHASSEE, FL—As the nation recovers from Hurricane Sandy, Florida State University researchers released a report Wednesday revealing that the only circumstance in which Americans would ever pay any attention at all to the issue of climate change would be if film actress Julia Roberts were killed in a hurricane.
“Our data suggest that Julia Roberts will either have to drown in rising floodwaters or be crushed to death as 170-mile-per-hour winds demolish her home before the country even acknowledges global warming,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Brooke Langley, adding that the widely beloved star of Erin Brockovich and Pretty Woman would need to be killed in no less than a Category 1 tropical cyclone for the populace to notice that irregular climate shifts pose a very real threat to humanity. “Even if millions are killed and entire cities are washed away, only the sight of Ms. Roberts’ pale, lifeless corpse lying amid storm wreckage will convince Americans to have open and frank discussions about the disastrous effects of greenhouse-gas emissions. And even then, there’s no telling if it will be enough for the country to actively take any steps to reduce them.”
At press time, disappointed climatologists confirmed that Julia Roberts remains alive and was entirely unharmed by Hurricane Sandy.
TALLAHASSEE, FL—As the nation recovers from Hurricane Sandy, Florida State University researchers released a report Wednesday revealing that the only circumstance in which Americans would ever pay any attention at all to the issue of climate change would be if film actress Julia Roberts were killed in a hurricane.
“Our data suggest that Julia Roberts will either have to drown in rising floodwaters or be crushed to death as 170-mile-per-hour winds demolish her home before the country even acknowledges global warming,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Brooke Langley, adding that the widely beloved star of Erin Brockovich and Pretty Woman would need to be killed in no less than a Category 1 tropical cyclone for the populace to notice that irregular climate shifts pose a very real threat to humanity. “Even if millions are killed and entire cities are washed away, only the sight of Ms. Roberts’ pale, lifeless corpse lying amid storm wreckage will convince Americans to have open and frank discussions about the disastrous effects of greenhouse-gas emissions. And even then, there’s no telling if it will be enough for the country to actively take any steps to reduce them.”
At press time, disappointed climatologists confirmed that Julia Roberts remains alive and was entirely unharmed by Hurricane Sandy.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
THE MORAL TO A VERY TOUCHING STORY
The Marine Corps woman F/A-18 pilot
The Unconventional Gazette / November 1, 2012
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine Corps pilot in Desert Storm, and her F/A-18 got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
''Good Heavens!” exclaimed the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
The Unconventional Gazette / November 1, 2012
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine Corps pilot in Desert Storm, and her F/A-18 got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
''Good Heavens!” exclaimed the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
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