BarkGrowlBite / October 31, 2012
Today is Halloween. This morning it was still dark when I went out the door to pick up today’s Houston Chronicle. Suddenly, not two feet from my front walkway, I spotted a little Trick or Treat visitor.
Lo and behold, there sat a possum. I got within one foot of the critter but I didn’t want to get any closer. Because he did not scurry away from me I was afraid he might have been sick, possibly with rabies, and I did not want to get bit.
We both just stayed there looking at each other. I started talking to him and he looked at me like I was nuts. After three or four minutes I went on to get the newspaper. As I walked back to the house, the possum remained in place. A half hour later, when it was getting to be daylight, I went outside to take another look. The possum was gone.
In all the years that I have seen Halloween come and go, Mr. Possum was by far the best Trick or Treat visitor I ever had.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
ALBERT EINSTEIN WAS RIGHT
The Unconventional Gazette / October 30, 2012
Albert Einstein said: "I fear the day when the technology overlaps with our humanity. The world will only have a generation of idiots."
Everywhere you go, you see people texting on their smart phones, even while they’re driving. Albert Einstein was right. We have become a nation of idiots.
Albert Einstein said: "I fear the day when the technology overlaps with our humanity. The world will only have a generation of idiots."
Everywhere you go, you see people texting on their smart phones, even while they’re driving. Albert Einstein was right. We have become a nation of idiots.
Monday, October 29, 2012
A PROBLEM WITH TIGHT SKIRTS
The Unconventional Gazette / October 29, 2012
At a busy bus stop in downtown Atlanta, a beautiful woman wearing a very tight leather skirt was waiting in line for a city bus.
After the bus arrived and stopped, and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
The woman went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
At a busy bus stop in downtown Atlanta, a beautiful woman wearing a very tight leather skirt was waiting in line for a city bus.
After the bus arrived and stopped, and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
The woman went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Saturday, October 27, 2012
THE DEER HUNTER
The Unconventional Gazette / October 27, 2012
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid Texas hunter, woke up before daybreak, raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, although he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the fuck away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the fuck away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a state game warden with his hands high in the air.
The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your fucking deer, just let me get my saddle off of it!"
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid Texas hunter, woke up before daybreak, raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, although he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the fuck away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the fuck away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a state game warden with his hands high in the air.
The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your fucking deer, just let me get my saddle off of it!"
NEW YORK COP RETIRES TO ALASKA
The Unconventional Gazette / October 27, 2012
Pete O’Brien had been a NYC cop for 27 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Pete, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'
'Not a problem' says Pete. 'After 27 years as a cop, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Pete, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! Wild sex ... that'll be great. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
Pete O’Brien had been a NYC cop for 27 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Pete, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'
'Not a problem' says Pete. 'After 27 years as a cop, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Pete, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! Wild sex ... that'll be great. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
Friday, October 26, 2012
‘MOTHER MARY WAS ESSENTIALLY RAPED,’ MOURDOCK SAYS WHILE DIGGING SELF INTO DEEPER HOLE
The Onion / October 24, 2012
NEW ALBANY, INDIANA—Defending his comment that a woman becoming pregnant from rape “is something God intended,” Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock dug himself into an even deeper hole today when he argued that, if you really stop to think about it, the Virgin Mary was basically raped by God.
“Mary certainly didn’t ask for God to impregnate her with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but obviously the Immaculate Conception, while not the result of a consensual act, was still a part of God’s plan—you see what I’m getting at, right?” said the 61-year-old man who currently serves as the state treasurer of Indiana. “Of course I don’t condone sexual assault. I’m just saying that sometimes when a woman is violated and impregnated against her will, it’s actually a really good thing in the end, because God’s rape of Mary gave us Jesus, and Jesus saved mankind from sin. So that’s one example right there.”
At press time, multiple male Senate candidates in their 60s remained divided between those who believe pregnancies resulting from rape are biologically impossible and those who believe they are the divine will of God.
NEW ALBANY, INDIANA—Defending his comment that a woman becoming pregnant from rape “is something God intended,” Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock dug himself into an even deeper hole today when he argued that, if you really stop to think about it, the Virgin Mary was basically raped by God.
“Mary certainly didn’t ask for God to impregnate her with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but obviously the Immaculate Conception, while not the result of a consensual act, was still a part of God’s plan—you see what I’m getting at, right?” said the 61-year-old man who currently serves as the state treasurer of Indiana. “Of course I don’t condone sexual assault. I’m just saying that sometimes when a woman is violated and impregnated against her will, it’s actually a really good thing in the end, because God’s rape of Mary gave us Jesus, and Jesus saved mankind from sin. So that’s one example right there.”
At press time, multiple male Senate candidates in their 60s remained divided between those who believe pregnancies resulting from rape are biologically impossible and those who believe they are the divine will of God.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
COPHEIMER’S DISEASE
Copheimer’s is a loss of brain function peculiar to law enforcement officers that causes cops to lose their guns in public restrooms
BarkGrowlBite / October 25, 2012
Last week a businessman from Ohio went into one of the public restrooms at Denver International airport and found a .45 cal. Glock pistol on the back of a toilet seat. The gun had 10 rounds in its magazine and one round in the chamber. The Ohio traveler notified the Denver police and they turned the gun over to an FBI agent. The Glock was found to belong to a Drug Enforcement Agent who was scheduled to fly from Denver to Houston. The DEA agent was able to retrieve his gun after the FBI verified that it was his department issued weapon.
The DEA agent told the FBI that he went into the restroom to take a crap. He removed the Glock from his holster and laid it on the back of the toilet seat. After completing his business he left the stall without remembering that he had laid his piece aside.
Apparently, a lot of cops are suffering from Copheimer’s Disease. The Houston Chronicle’s Dane Schiller reports that “there have been a stream of incidents involving officers and agents from various agencies, leaving their guns in bathrooms in airports and at least once, on a plane.”
In August, a Secret Service agent left a gun in the bathroom on presidential candidate Mitt Romney's plane. It was found by a reporter traveling with the campaign. In 2011, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer left his gun in a shitter at Houston’s Bush Intercontinental Airport. Also last year, a federal agent left a gun in an El Paso airport restroom.
Schiller says that guns found in airport restrooms tend to make headlines, but most of the incidents involving cops who lost their guns get little if any public notice. “The Department of Homeland Security had 179 firearms go missing from 2006 through 2008 - in places like cars, restaurants and bathrooms - because officers did not properly secure them, according to a 2010 report by the agency's Office of Inspector General.”
So here is my warning to all law enforcement officers: Don’t take a crap while packing heat! You could be suffering from Copheimer’s Disease.
BarkGrowlBite / October 25, 2012
Last week a businessman from Ohio went into one of the public restrooms at Denver International airport and found a .45 cal. Glock pistol on the back of a toilet seat. The gun had 10 rounds in its magazine and one round in the chamber. The Ohio traveler notified the Denver police and they turned the gun over to an FBI agent. The Glock was found to belong to a Drug Enforcement Agent who was scheduled to fly from Denver to Houston. The DEA agent was able to retrieve his gun after the FBI verified that it was his department issued weapon.
The DEA agent told the FBI that he went into the restroom to take a crap. He removed the Glock from his holster and laid it on the back of the toilet seat. After completing his business he left the stall without remembering that he had laid his piece aside.
Apparently, a lot of cops are suffering from Copheimer’s Disease. The Houston Chronicle’s Dane Schiller reports that “there have been a stream of incidents involving officers and agents from various agencies, leaving their guns in bathrooms in airports and at least once, on a plane.”
In August, a Secret Service agent left a gun in the bathroom on presidential candidate Mitt Romney's plane. It was found by a reporter traveling with the campaign. In 2011, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer left his gun in a shitter at Houston’s Bush Intercontinental Airport. Also last year, a federal agent left a gun in an El Paso airport restroom.
Schiller says that guns found in airport restrooms tend to make headlines, but most of the incidents involving cops who lost their guns get little if any public notice. “The Department of Homeland Security had 179 firearms go missing from 2006 through 2008 - in places like cars, restaurants and bathrooms - because officers did not properly secure them, according to a 2010 report by the agency's Office of Inspector General.”
So here is my warning to all law enforcement officers: Don’t take a crap while packing heat! You could be suffering from Copheimer’s Disease.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
PSYCHOLOGY VS. LAW
The Unconventional Gazette / October 24, 2012
A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice: “I don’t want to spend the night with you.”
All the students in the library stared at the guy and he was embarrassed. A couple of minutes after he had scurried away, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him: “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice: “$300 just for one night? That’s too much.”
As all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, the guy whispered in her ears: “I study Law and I know how to make someone look guilty."
A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice: “I don’t want to spend the night with you.”
All the students in the library stared at the guy and he was embarrassed. A couple of minutes after he had scurried away, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him: “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice: “$300 just for one night? That’s too much.”
As all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, the guy whispered in her ears: “I study Law and I know how to make someone look guilty."
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
THE BALLAD OF ISLAMIST RAGE BOY
By A. Barton Hinkle
Jewish World Review / October 23,2012
They made a movie I don't like — at least, I'm pretty sure;
I haven't really seen it yet; the flick is frightfully obscure.
It's out there somewhere, though — a fact that drives me nuts.
And that is why my friends and I all hate your stinking guts.
We'd like to kill you slowly — soon, with lots of pain and blood —
For letting anyone produce such narrow-minded crud.
You've hurt our feelings — mocked our Prophet — made us blow a gasket.
We won't find any peace until your head is in a basket.
A stoning, for such blasphemy, might also be required
By those of us who are by grace and tolerance inspired.
With sticks and stones we'll break your bones while you complain and snivel
For having the audacity to imply that we're uncivil.
Don't feel too bad — it's not just you; we also plan to slaughter
Any mother or her son who tries to teach a daughter
Math or science, prose or verse, or other learned arts.
Stultifying minds, you see, is how we capture hearts.
We shot one girl the other day — Malala is her name.
Despite the many protests, we feel not a whit of shame.
Defying us, she tried to learn, and now she's in our debt —
For she's been taught a lesson that she will not soon forget.
We're also torching schools when we catch them teaching girls —
There's nothing like the morning smell of smoking flesh and curls.
Our methods may be stern, but with God's blessing we'll persist
'Til every girls' school puts a sign up, reading: "Class Dismissed."
We're waging war as well on what we deem immodest dress.
The passions it can stir we all must instantly repress,
For otherwise, one cannot tell where such things could be leading;
Without us men, the women might display improper breeding.
An inter-gender glance that lingers could ignite intense emotions
That could distract a man and woman from their Heavenly devotions
Such as love, and joy, and tenderness — and others we disparage
As having no befitting role within a proper marriage.
So it's our duty to ensure the ladies all stay chaste —
And those who don't, for their own good, must quickly be de-faced
By veiling, slashing, stoning, or a simple vial of acid.
That's the ticket that we use to keep our members flaccid.
We've built some scaffolds, too, for men who lie with men.
They did that once in Sodom, but won't do it here again.
We'll stretch their necks with solid rope we've twisted into nooses —
That will stop those fellows cold, and dry up all their juices.
For thieves we keep a vorpal blade, for cleaving hand from arm;
Some find this quite barbaric; we think it has its charm.
Five-finger discounts, people find, aren't nearly as much fun
When, counting up your digits, you discover you have none.
Our attitude on heretics is: never, ever judge —
We don't care how they die and we will not hold a grudge,
So long as they die slowly — and make it hurt like hell.
If everyone can hear them scream, then we think that they've died well.
And then, of course, there is The Jew — that son of ape and pig
Whose double-dealing forces neighbors to renege
On promises pre-emptively, before The Jew can do it.
The lack of peace is all his fault — no matter how you view it.
Just look around the modern world, which knew no strife or stress
Until The Jew appeared to impede its happiness.
Now brother fights with brother, and Sunni fights with Shi'a.
I'm telling you, those Euro-fascists had the right idea.
Don't get me wrong! — I don't concede the Holocaust was real.
It's just a Jewish fantasy cooked up so Jews could steal
The land where milk and honey once through other fingers flowed.
The very thought makes me so mad I think I might explode.
What really gets my goat, of course, is how you all depict us:
Wild-eyed and waving fists, mouths twisted into a rictus.
How such a funny notion ever got into your head. . . .
Was it something that we did, or something we said?
Jewish World Review / October 23,2012
They made a movie I don't like — at least, I'm pretty sure;
I haven't really seen it yet; the flick is frightfully obscure.
It's out there somewhere, though — a fact that drives me nuts.
And that is why my friends and I all hate your stinking guts.
We'd like to kill you slowly — soon, with lots of pain and blood —
For letting anyone produce such narrow-minded crud.
You've hurt our feelings — mocked our Prophet — made us blow a gasket.
We won't find any peace until your head is in a basket.
A stoning, for such blasphemy, might also be required
By those of us who are by grace and tolerance inspired.
With sticks and stones we'll break your bones while you complain and snivel
For having the audacity to imply that we're uncivil.
Don't feel too bad — it's not just you; we also plan to slaughter
Any mother or her son who tries to teach a daughter
Math or science, prose or verse, or other learned arts.
Stultifying minds, you see, is how we capture hearts.
We shot one girl the other day — Malala is her name.
Despite the many protests, we feel not a whit of shame.
Defying us, she tried to learn, and now she's in our debt —
For she's been taught a lesson that she will not soon forget.
We're also torching schools when we catch them teaching girls —
There's nothing like the morning smell of smoking flesh and curls.
Our methods may be stern, but with God's blessing we'll persist
'Til every girls' school puts a sign up, reading: "Class Dismissed."
We're waging war as well on what we deem immodest dress.
The passions it can stir we all must instantly repress,
For otherwise, one cannot tell where such things could be leading;
Without us men, the women might display improper breeding.
An inter-gender glance that lingers could ignite intense emotions
That could distract a man and woman from their Heavenly devotions
Such as love, and joy, and tenderness — and others we disparage
As having no befitting role within a proper marriage.
So it's our duty to ensure the ladies all stay chaste —
And those who don't, for their own good, must quickly be de-faced
By veiling, slashing, stoning, or a simple vial of acid.
That's the ticket that we use to keep our members flaccid.
We've built some scaffolds, too, for men who lie with men.
They did that once in Sodom, but won't do it here again.
We'll stretch their necks with solid rope we've twisted into nooses —
That will stop those fellows cold, and dry up all their juices.
For thieves we keep a vorpal blade, for cleaving hand from arm;
Some find this quite barbaric; we think it has its charm.
Five-finger discounts, people find, aren't nearly as much fun
When, counting up your digits, you discover you have none.
Our attitude on heretics is: never, ever judge —
We don't care how they die and we will not hold a grudge,
So long as they die slowly — and make it hurt like hell.
If everyone can hear them scream, then we think that they've died well.
And then, of course, there is The Jew — that son of ape and pig
Whose double-dealing forces neighbors to renege
On promises pre-emptively, before The Jew can do it.
The lack of peace is all his fault — no matter how you view it.
Just look around the modern world, which knew no strife or stress
Until The Jew appeared to impede its happiness.
Now brother fights with brother, and Sunni fights with Shi'a.
I'm telling you, those Euro-fascists had the right idea.
Don't get me wrong! — I don't concede the Holocaust was real.
It's just a Jewish fantasy cooked up so Jews could steal
The land where milk and honey once through other fingers flowed.
The very thought makes me so mad I think I might explode.
What really gets my goat, of course, is how you all depict us:
Wild-eyed and waving fists, mouths twisted into a rictus.
How such a funny notion ever got into your head. . . .
Was it something that we did, or something we said?
THERE AREN’T MANY FARMS IN DETROIT
The Unconventional Gazette / October 23, 2012
A first grade teacher in a Detroit school asked the kids in her class what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone jumped up and yelled: "Freeze Muthafucka"
A first grade teacher in a Detroit school asked the kids in her class what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone jumped up and yelled: "Freeze Muthafucka"
Monday, October 22, 2012
MEDICAL NEWS FROM AUSTRALIA
The Unconventional Gazette / October 22, 2012
Before you have major surgery that requires a blood transfusion, you would be wise to discuss this latest medical discovery with your physician.
Australian researchers using 473 male prison inmates and 251 women inmates have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. Chicken blood transfusions have been found to work regardless of the patient’s blood type and they tend to make the men more cocky and the women lay better.
Before you have major surgery that requires a blood transfusion, you would be wise to discuss this latest medical discovery with your physician.
Australian researchers using 473 male prison inmates and 251 women inmates have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. Chicken blood transfusions have been found to work regardless of the patient’s blood type and they tend to make the men more cocky and the women lay better.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
SECRETARY OF INTERIOR DECKS SMART-ASS BUFFALO
The Onion / October 13, 2012
LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday.
The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit attitude from the moment Salazar stepped out of his car and began touring the ranch, his provocations eventually leading the secretary to coldcock the herd animal. According to witnesses, the bison loudly chewed on grass and sedges while he spoke, and grunted repeatedly, even when Salazar confronted him and said, “You shut the hell up, or I promise this won’t end pretty for you.”
Though Salazar warned the buffalo several times to get out of his face and go roam with all his little buffalo friends, the insolent herbivore continued to stare at Salazar, prompting the secretary to land a hard right cross on the bison’s jaw, knocking him unconscious.
“I said if he kept it up there were going to be two sounds: my fist hitting the buffalo, and the buffalo hitting the ground,” Salazar said after landing the devastating haymaker, which caused the bison to emit a pained groan, become wobbly, and then topple over. “If he had a problem with me, that’s fine, but he didn’t have to be a dick about it. Just staring at me, blinking slowly, and basically acting like a smarmy son of a bitch certainly didn’t do him any favors.”
“When he wakes up,” Salazar continued, “ask him if he’ll think twice the next time he decides to be a cocksucker and play his cute little games.”
Salazar, who visited the buffalo ranch to commend its owners on their commitment to raising grass-fed livestock, said the other bison were gracious and treated him with respect, never once embarrassing Interior Department officials by rubbing their horns against a fence post or rutting in public “like a goddamn idiot.”
Sources confirmed that Salazar now believes the buffalo wanted to cause a scene, and toward that end purposefully rolled around in dust and mud prior to the secretary’s arrival.
“For a second I thought the mature thing to do would be to take the high road and not stoop to that piece of shit’s level,” said Salazar, adding that the buffalo was out of his mind if he thought he could continue to jerk him around without getting his ass handed to him. “But then he started loudly gulping down water from his trough when I was trying to reason with him, and I was like, ‘Fuck this shit.’”
“I think I broke my hand, but it was totally worth it to watch that hoofed smart-ass go cross-eyed,” Salazar added.
Observers at the scene agreed the bison did indeed have it coming, and that it wasn’t a question of if Salazar would deck the belligerent grazing mammal, but when. Moreover, many expressed relief when the secretary finally socked the buffalo, saying the tension between the two was making everyone uncomfortable, especially after Salazar asked him point blank what the fuck his problem was.
According to officials within the Interior Department, this isn’t the first time Salazar has gotten violent with America’s flora and fauna. In February 2009 he kicked a hen in its beak for treating him disrespectfully, and in May of that same year he threw a beer in a tulip’s face when it refused to bloom.
During a visit to a wildlife preserve in Montana last June, Salazar got into an altercation with a mountain goat, but the two have since reconciled. Officials confirmed, however, that none of the previously mentioned species were asking for it as much as the buffalo.
“I was very disappointed in the behavior of my bison,” ranch owner Vernon Gregory said. “Truth be told, when he just stood there and pretended like Mr. Salazar wasn’t even talking to him, I was very embarrassed for myself, my wife, and all the other animals who went out of their way to treat the secretary with courtesy. If Mr. Salazar wouldn’t have laid him out in that pasture, I would have.”
LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday.
The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit attitude from the moment Salazar stepped out of his car and began touring the ranch, his provocations eventually leading the secretary to coldcock the herd animal. According to witnesses, the bison loudly chewed on grass and sedges while he spoke, and grunted repeatedly, even when Salazar confronted him and said, “You shut the hell up, or I promise this won’t end pretty for you.”
Though Salazar warned the buffalo several times to get out of his face and go roam with all his little buffalo friends, the insolent herbivore continued to stare at Salazar, prompting the secretary to land a hard right cross on the bison’s jaw, knocking him unconscious.
“I said if he kept it up there were going to be two sounds: my fist hitting the buffalo, and the buffalo hitting the ground,” Salazar said after landing the devastating haymaker, which caused the bison to emit a pained groan, become wobbly, and then topple over. “If he had a problem with me, that’s fine, but he didn’t have to be a dick about it. Just staring at me, blinking slowly, and basically acting like a smarmy son of a bitch certainly didn’t do him any favors.”
“When he wakes up,” Salazar continued, “ask him if he’ll think twice the next time he decides to be a cocksucker and play his cute little games.”
Salazar, who visited the buffalo ranch to commend its owners on their commitment to raising grass-fed livestock, said the other bison were gracious and treated him with respect, never once embarrassing Interior Department officials by rubbing their horns against a fence post or rutting in public “like a goddamn idiot.”
Sources confirmed that Salazar now believes the buffalo wanted to cause a scene, and toward that end purposefully rolled around in dust and mud prior to the secretary’s arrival.
“For a second I thought the mature thing to do would be to take the high road and not stoop to that piece of shit’s level,” said Salazar, adding that the buffalo was out of his mind if he thought he could continue to jerk him around without getting his ass handed to him. “But then he started loudly gulping down water from his trough when I was trying to reason with him, and I was like, ‘Fuck this shit.’”
“I think I broke my hand, but it was totally worth it to watch that hoofed smart-ass go cross-eyed,” Salazar added.
Observers at the scene agreed the bison did indeed have it coming, and that it wasn’t a question of if Salazar would deck the belligerent grazing mammal, but when. Moreover, many expressed relief when the secretary finally socked the buffalo, saying the tension between the two was making everyone uncomfortable, especially after Salazar asked him point blank what the fuck his problem was.
According to officials within the Interior Department, this isn’t the first time Salazar has gotten violent with America’s flora and fauna. In February 2009 he kicked a hen in its beak for treating him disrespectfully, and in May of that same year he threw a beer in a tulip’s face when it refused to bloom.
During a visit to a wildlife preserve in Montana last June, Salazar got into an altercation with a mountain goat, but the two have since reconciled. Officials confirmed, however, that none of the previously mentioned species were asking for it as much as the buffalo.
“I was very disappointed in the behavior of my bison,” ranch owner Vernon Gregory said. “Truth be told, when he just stood there and pretended like Mr. Salazar wasn’t even talking to him, I was very embarrassed for myself, my wife, and all the other animals who went out of their way to treat the secretary with courtesy. If Mr. Salazar wouldn’t have laid him out in that pasture, I would have.”
Friday, October 19, 2012
GOVERNOR PERRY, U.S. SENATORS CORNYN AND HUTCHINSON DEMAND INVESTIGATION OF SUSPECTED TERRORIST ATTACK ON BIG TEX
Ted Cruz, U.S. Senate candidate and Tea Party favorite, accuses pro-Obama electrical workers union electricians of sabotaging Texas State Fair icon; Amnesty International suspected by Rep. Ron Paul
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / October 19, 2012
This year, the State Fair of Texas was celebrating the 60th birthday of Big Tex, the 52-foot-tall cowboy that greets fairgoers in a “Howdy Folks” slow drawl voice. The iconic fiberglass structure with its 75-gallon hat and 50-pound belt buckle went up in flames Friday morning, leaving only a charred metal frame behind. "Big Tex is a symbol of everything the state fair stands for," fair spokeswoman Sue Gooding said, bemoaning the loss. "You know somebody's a true Texan if you say 'Big Tex' and they don't look at you like you're weird."
Although fire officials suspect an electrical failure, there is widespread speculation in Texas that the destruction of Big Tex was the result of an Islamist terrorist attack designee to demoralize the proud citizens of the Lone Star State.
The Unconventional Gazette obtained exclusive statements concerning Big Tex’s destruction from politicians and federal officials.
Gov. Rick Perry: “As a rational person, I am convinced that Islamic terrorists attacked our Big Tex. I’ve put the Texas Rangers on this and I personally called Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder to demand a full-scale federal investigation. When you mess with Big Tex, you’re messing with Texas and we’re not about to cotton to that.”
Sen. John Cornyn: “It sure looks like a terrorist attack to me. Texas is the energy capital of the world and an attack on the state’s iconic symbol by America’s enemies seems logical to me. I’m calling for an immediate congressional investigation."
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson: “I don’t want to get my exercise by jumping to conclusions, but this fire looks awfully suspicious to me and I am joining my esteemed colleague John Cornyn in calling for a congressional investigation. Big Tex is a symbol of the fact that everything is big and better in Texas. After nearly 20 years in the Senate, it’s just Gawd awful to be leaving on a sad note like this.”
Republican U.S. Senate candidate Ted Cruz: “If the Big Tex fire was caused by an electrical failure, then it must have been the result of sabotage by a member of the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers. It’s no secret that the electrical workers union is a strong supporter of President Obama. And all Obama supporters outside of this state hate Texas with a purple passion for being overwhelmingly Republican. So what better way to get even than to destroy this iconic symbol.”
Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Paul Sadler: “It was hard for me to watch Big Tex go up in flames. I suspect the fire was caused by a mechanical or electrical problem. My opponent is just trumpeting the Tea Party’s anti-union mantra. To make anything other than an unfortunate accident out of this event is just insane! A vote for me will be a vote for the return of sanity to the Texas congressional delegation.”
Rep. Ron Paul: “I do not believe this fire was the result of an electrical malfunction. It could have been a terrorist attack because of our federal government’s meddling in foreign affairs. But I have a strong suspicion that Amnesty International is behind the destruction of Big Tex. That New World Order organization has a special hatred for the State of Texas because we execute our most heinous murderers instead of treating them with the human kindness Amnesty International demands.”
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, D-Houston: “The accusation that the Big Tex fire was caused by Islamic terrorists is just racist motivated nonsense. That’s a reflection of the racial hatred that still permeates up and down this state. Why do you think Texans will be voting for Romney in overwhelming numbers? It’s a racial thing, you know. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ………….”
Attorney General Eric Holder: “If those Texas Republicans think the Obama administration is going to waste the federal government's time and money investigating a bunch of wild and outrageous charges by a bunch of right-wing nuts, they must be out of their ever loving minds.”
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano: “Well, in this case Attorney General Holder and I do not share the same view. I have received Gov. Perry’s request and have ordered the FBI and ATF to investigate the destruction of Big Tex. And I will promise you that if the FBI and ATF find this was indeed a terrorist attack, the full weight of the United States government will be brought down on those responsible. I have no further comment at this time.”
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / October 19, 2012
This year, the State Fair of Texas was celebrating the 60th birthday of Big Tex, the 52-foot-tall cowboy that greets fairgoers in a “Howdy Folks” slow drawl voice. The iconic fiberglass structure with its 75-gallon hat and 50-pound belt buckle went up in flames Friday morning, leaving only a charred metal frame behind. "Big Tex is a symbol of everything the state fair stands for," fair spokeswoman Sue Gooding said, bemoaning the loss. "You know somebody's a true Texan if you say 'Big Tex' and they don't look at you like you're weird."
Although fire officials suspect an electrical failure, there is widespread speculation in Texas that the destruction of Big Tex was the result of an Islamist terrorist attack designee to demoralize the proud citizens of the Lone Star State.
The Unconventional Gazette obtained exclusive statements concerning Big Tex’s destruction from politicians and federal officials.
Gov. Rick Perry: “As a rational person, I am convinced that Islamic terrorists attacked our Big Tex. I’ve put the Texas Rangers on this and I personally called Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder to demand a full-scale federal investigation. When you mess with Big Tex, you’re messing with Texas and we’re not about to cotton to that.”
Sen. John Cornyn: “It sure looks like a terrorist attack to me. Texas is the energy capital of the world and an attack on the state’s iconic symbol by America’s enemies seems logical to me. I’m calling for an immediate congressional investigation."
Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson: “I don’t want to get my exercise by jumping to conclusions, but this fire looks awfully suspicious to me and I am joining my esteemed colleague John Cornyn in calling for a congressional investigation. Big Tex is a symbol of the fact that everything is big and better in Texas. After nearly 20 years in the Senate, it’s just Gawd awful to be leaving on a sad note like this.”
Republican U.S. Senate candidate Ted Cruz: “If the Big Tex fire was caused by an electrical failure, then it must have been the result of sabotage by a member of the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers. It’s no secret that the electrical workers union is a strong supporter of President Obama. And all Obama supporters outside of this state hate Texas with a purple passion for being overwhelmingly Republican. So what better way to get even than to destroy this iconic symbol.”
Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Paul Sadler: “It was hard for me to watch Big Tex go up in flames. I suspect the fire was caused by a mechanical or electrical problem. My opponent is just trumpeting the Tea Party’s anti-union mantra. To make anything other than an unfortunate accident out of this event is just insane! A vote for me will be a vote for the return of sanity to the Texas congressional delegation.”
Rep. Ron Paul: “I do not believe this fire was the result of an electrical malfunction. It could have been a terrorist attack because of our federal government’s meddling in foreign affairs. But I have a strong suspicion that Amnesty International is behind the destruction of Big Tex. That New World Order organization has a special hatred for the State of Texas because we execute our most heinous murderers instead of treating them with the human kindness Amnesty International demands.”
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, D-Houston: “The accusation that the Big Tex fire was caused by Islamic terrorists is just racist motivated nonsense. That’s a reflection of the racial hatred that still permeates up and down this state. Why do you think Texans will be voting for Romney in overwhelming numbers? It’s a racial thing, you know. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ………….”
Attorney General Eric Holder: “If those Texas Republicans think the Obama administration is going to waste the federal government's time and money investigating a bunch of wild and outrageous charges by a bunch of right-wing nuts, they must be out of their ever loving minds.”
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano: “Well, in this case Attorney General Holder and I do not share the same view. I have received Gov. Perry’s request and have ordered the FBI and ATF to investigate the destruction of Big Tex. And I will promise you that if the FBI and ATF find this was indeed a terrorist attack, the full weight of the United States government will be brought down on those responsible. I have no further comment at this time.”
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN ACCIDENTALLY PLAYS ‘BIG GOVERNMENT’S STEALIN’ OUR LIVELIHOOD’ AT OBAMA RALLY
The Onion / October 18, 2012
PARMA, OH—While performing at a campaign rally for President Barack Obama on Thursday, rock icon Bruce Springsteen reportedly failed to fire up the largely working-class audience when he accidentally played an acoustic ballad titled “Big Government’s Stealin’ Our Livelihood.”
“Can’t ever feed the appetite of Uncle Sam / Stealin’ half my paycheck out of my hand,” crooned Springsteen, unintentionally alienating the bemused crowd with brazenly pro-market and anti-union lyrics that detail the struggles of a small business owner named Mikey who is forced to declare bankruptcy due to a weak economy plagued by industry overregulation. “Green energy subsidies unfair / The middle class ain’t going nowhere / ’Cause that big ol’ government stole our livelihood again.”
According to sources, the New Jersey–bred singer-songwriter only compounded his mistake by following up with the fast-paced rocker “One Man, One Woman.”
PARMA, OH—While performing at a campaign rally for President Barack Obama on Thursday, rock icon Bruce Springsteen reportedly failed to fire up the largely working-class audience when he accidentally played an acoustic ballad titled “Big Government’s Stealin’ Our Livelihood.”
“Can’t ever feed the appetite of Uncle Sam / Stealin’ half my paycheck out of my hand,” crooned Springsteen, unintentionally alienating the bemused crowd with brazenly pro-market and anti-union lyrics that detail the struggles of a small business owner named Mikey who is forced to declare bankruptcy due to a weak economy plagued by industry overregulation. “Green energy subsidies unfair / The middle class ain’t going nowhere / ’Cause that big ol’ government stole our livelihood again.”
According to sources, the New Jersey–bred singer-songwriter only compounded his mistake by following up with the fast-paced rocker “One Man, One Woman.”
Thursday, October 18, 2012
A LONG KISS TO SAVE A JUMPER
The Unconventional Gazette / October 18, 2012
George, the leader of a biker gang, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers, and asks the young woman standing at the edge of a cliff, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that.
It was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Troopers, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why do you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
The State Troopers are now investigating whether he jumped or was pushed.
George, the leader of a biker gang, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers, and asks the young woman standing at the edge of a cliff, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that.
It was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Troopers, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why do you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
The State Troopers are now investigating whether he jumped or was pushed.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
LYNDON JOHNSON PULLS AHEAD IN POLL OF NATION'S ALZHEIMER'S PATIENTS
The Onion / October 15, 2012
BOCA RATON, FL—A survey of the nation’s Alzheimer’s patients conducted Sunday by Public Policy Polling indicates that Lyndon Johnson now holds a comfortable 8-point lead in the 2012 presidential race, having pulled ahead of candidates Hubert Humphrey, Adlai Stevenson, Mitt Romney, and Gen. George S. Patton.
“I’m voting for Lyndon Johnson this year,” said poll respondent Marjorie Halter, adding that she cast a ballot for Gregory Peck in the last election, and that she intends to vote for the Democratic ticket again this November. “I think Johnson and [Halter’s son] Doug will make a really strong team.”
According to the poll, a full 14 percent of Alzheimer’s patients are still undecided, and could very well end up voting for former Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu if she does well in Tuesday’s debate.
BOCA RATON, FL—A survey of the nation’s Alzheimer’s patients conducted Sunday by Public Policy Polling indicates that Lyndon Johnson now holds a comfortable 8-point lead in the 2012 presidential race, having pulled ahead of candidates Hubert Humphrey, Adlai Stevenson, Mitt Romney, and Gen. George S. Patton.
“I’m voting for Lyndon Johnson this year,” said poll respondent Marjorie Halter, adding that she cast a ballot for Gregory Peck in the last election, and that she intends to vote for the Democratic ticket again this November. “I think Johnson and [Halter’s son] Doug will make a really strong team.”
According to the poll, a full 14 percent of Alzheimer’s patients are still undecided, and could very well end up voting for former Olympic gymnast Dominique Moceanu if she does well in Tuesday’s debate.
Monday, October 15, 2012
WHY ITALIAN FATHERS AND GRANDFATHERS PASS THEIR GUNS DOWN THROUGH THE FAMILY
The Unconventional Gazette / October 15, 2012
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside and says, “Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
Guido says, "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
The dying man then sits up and says:
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man.”
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside and says, “Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
Guido says, "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
The dying man then sits up and says:
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man.”
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"
Sunday, October 14, 2012
JUST FRED
The Unconventional Gazette / October 14, 2012
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
My dental assistant was a real hottie, so it didn’t take too long before I started fooling around with her. We enjoyed sex in the dentist’s chair, on the waiting room couch and on the desk in my office ….. but she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. And then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
My dental assistant was a real hottie, so it didn’t take too long before I started fooling around with her. We enjoyed sex in the dentist’s chair, on the waiting room couch and on the desk in my office ….. but she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. And then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Friday, October 12, 2012
CHOSE HEAVEN OR HELL ON NOVEMBER 6, 2012
The Unconventional Gazette / October 12, 2012
As he was crossing a Washington, D.C. street one day, a Senator who like other members of Congress had enriched himself while in office, was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where he is met by St. Peter.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted.”
The moral of this story is: Vote wisely on November 6, 2012.
As he was crossing a Washington, D.C. street one day, a Senator who like other members of Congress had enriched himself while in office, was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven where he is met by St. Peter.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted.”
The moral of this story is: Vote wisely on November 6, 2012.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
WHO READS AMERICA’S LEADING NEWSPAPERS?
By Ima Schmuck
The Unconventional Gazette / October 11, 2012
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country but can’t find the time because they’re stoned on medical marijuana and too occupied with gangbanging each other and demonstrating in favor of illegal immigration and against police brutality.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose grandparents and great-grandparents used to run the country.
The Chicago Sun-Times is read by people that don’t really care who's running the country because they’re busy dealing with crooked aldermen and other corrupt city officials while being distracted by the prosecutions and imprisonment of their state governors – Otto Kerner, Dan Walker, George Ryan and Rod Blagojevich.
The New York Daily News is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who believe they are living in The People’s Republic of San Francisco run by gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders and aliens from outer space. They don’t care who is running the country as long as they can hold demonstrations against capitalism, enjoy child porn, smoke pot, use meth and have sex in public.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
The Commercial Appeal (of Memphis, Tennessee) is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
The Detroit Free Press is read by people who cannot read but who like to look at sports pictures and the comics.
The Unconventional Gazette / October 11, 2012
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country but can’t find the time because they’re stoned on medical marijuana and too occupied with gangbanging each other and demonstrating in favor of illegal immigration and against police brutality.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose grandparents and great-grandparents used to run the country.
The Chicago Sun-Times is read by people that don’t really care who's running the country because they’re busy dealing with crooked aldermen and other corrupt city officials while being distracted by the prosecutions and imprisonment of their state governors – Otto Kerner, Dan Walker, George Ryan and Rod Blagojevich.
The New York Daily News is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who believe they are living in The People’s Republic of San Francisco run by gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders and aliens from outer space. They don’t care who is running the country as long as they can hold demonstrations against capitalism, enjoy child porn, smoke pot, use meth and have sex in public.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
The Commercial Appeal (of Memphis, Tennessee) is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
The Detroit Free Press is read by people who cannot read but who like to look at sports pictures and the comics.
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION
Definition: The huge discrepancy between what politicians running for office promise us and what we actually get.
Note: Unfortunately, there are no drugs to rectify electile dysfunction like Viagra and Cialis for erectile dysfunction.
Note: Unfortunately, there are no drugs to rectify electile dysfunction like Viagra and Cialis for erectile dysfunction.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
ROMNEY FRANTICALLY FIGURING OUT HOW TAX PLAN COULD ACTUALLY WORK AFTER REALIZING HE MIGHT WIN ELECTION
The Onion / October 9, 2012
LEXINGTON, VA—Reacting to news Monday that his performance in last week’s domestic policy debate had significantly boosted his poll numbers and put him closer to the White House than ever before, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney reportedly spent the afternoon frantically trying to figure how the tax plan he has proposed could actually work.
“Okay, now, think—there’s got to be a way we can make these numbers add up, there’s just gotta be,” a profusely sweating Romney reportedly told his advisers while furiously calculating how in the world he could institute an across-the-board 20 percent cut in the marginal tax rate while balancing the federal budget within a decade and giving the Pentagon $2 trillion it hasn’t even requested. “So the plan states that I can afford to lower taxes for middle-class Americans by closing loopholes and deductions, but even if I cap taxable deductions at $17,000 per family like it says here, that doesn’t even come close to paying for the cost of the $5 trillion in tax breaks, does it? Shit. Who’s got a calculator?”
At press time, a visibly agitated Romney was considering calling President Barack Obama to see if he had any advice for tightening up the plan.
LEXINGTON, VA—Reacting to news Monday that his performance in last week’s domestic policy debate had significantly boosted his poll numbers and put him closer to the White House than ever before, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney reportedly spent the afternoon frantically trying to figure how the tax plan he has proposed could actually work.
“Okay, now, think—there’s got to be a way we can make these numbers add up, there’s just gotta be,” a profusely sweating Romney reportedly told his advisers while furiously calculating how in the world he could institute an across-the-board 20 percent cut in the marginal tax rate while balancing the federal budget within a decade and giving the Pentagon $2 trillion it hasn’t even requested. “So the plan states that I can afford to lower taxes for middle-class Americans by closing loopholes and deductions, but even if I cap taxable deductions at $17,000 per family like it says here, that doesn’t even come close to paying for the cost of the $5 trillion in tax breaks, does it? Shit. Who’s got a calculator?”
At press time, a visibly agitated Romney was considering calling President Barack Obama to see if he had any advice for tightening up the plan.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
MY NEW TRUCK RADIO IS VOICE ACTIVATED
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / October 9, 2012
I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. It runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. A week ago I returned to the dealer because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some jerk ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Asshole!'
Immediately the radio responded with:
'Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama, the President of The United States.'
The Unconventional Gazette / October 9, 2012
I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. It runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. A week ago I returned to the dealer because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some jerk ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Asshole!'
Immediately the radio responded with:
'Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama, the President of The United States.'
TEXAS STARTING ITS OWN TV SURVIVOR SHOW
The Unconventional Gazette / October 9, 2012
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is will soon start its own show.
The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and then down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock and then to Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth., then finally back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 13 bumper stickers prominently plastered all over it. The bumper stickers read:
"I'm a Democrat"
"Amnesty for Illegals"
"I love the Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted for Obama"
"Forget the Alamo"
"Reelect Obama in 2012"
"Legalize Gay Marriage"
"Abolish the Death Penalty"
"I love Obamacare"
"Barney Frank is my hero"
"I side with Jane Fonda"
"I'm here to confiscate your guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is will soon start its own show.
The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and then down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock and then to Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth., then finally back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 13 bumper stickers prominently plastered all over it. The bumper stickers read:
"I'm a Democrat"
"Amnesty for Illegals"
"I love the Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted for Obama"
"Forget the Alamo"
"Reelect Obama in 2012"
"Legalize Gay Marriage"
"Abolish the Death Penalty"
"I love Obamacare"
"Barney Frank is my hero"
"I side with Jane Fonda"
"I'm here to confiscate your guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
MAHER ON DEBATE: ‘IT LOOKS LIKE OBAMA TOOK MY MILLION AND SPENT IT ALL ON WEED’
By Noel Sheppard
NewsBusters / October 6, 2012
Just how awful was President Obama during Wednesday's debate with Mitt Romney?
One of his financial supporters, HBO's Bill Maher, said Friday, "It looks like he took my million and spent it all on weed"
BILL MAHER: I'm sorry, but if you missed it, I don't know if you heard what happened this week, but his wedding anniversary was Wednesday, and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently had the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left, and it wound up Romney looked like the big winner and he looked like the Big Lebowski. What the fuck happened there? No, I was fascinated to watch these two men, I mean the contrast in their demeanor. Now we know what Romney looks like when he's all charged up, and now we know what Michael Jackson looked like when he was on the diprivan.
[Laughter, applause, boos]
You fucking liberals, let me tell you something, you got to get on the reality page! I'm sorry. He sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It looks like he took my million and spent it all on weed. No, really. I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert. I’m telling you, at one point Obama looked so dead Romney tried to baptize him. Well. Oh, I kid Mitt Romney. Hey, it’s Mormon in America.
NewsBusters / October 6, 2012
Just how awful was President Obama during Wednesday's debate with Mitt Romney?
One of his financial supporters, HBO's Bill Maher, said Friday, "It looks like he took my million and spent it all on weed"
BILL MAHER: I'm sorry, but if you missed it, I don't know if you heard what happened this week, but his wedding anniversary was Wednesday, and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently had the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left, and it wound up Romney looked like the big winner and he looked like the Big Lebowski. What the fuck happened there? No, I was fascinated to watch these two men, I mean the contrast in their demeanor. Now we know what Romney looks like when he's all charged up, and now we know what Michael Jackson looked like when he was on the diprivan.
[Laughter, applause, boos]
You fucking liberals, let me tell you something, you got to get on the reality page! I'm sorry. He sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It looks like he took my million and spent it all on weed. No, really. I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert. I’m telling you, at one point Obama looked so dead Romney tried to baptize him. Well. Oh, I kid Mitt Romney. Hey, it’s Mormon in America.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
A TOUCHING PRAYER
By Pamela Putz
The Unconventional Gazette / October 6, 2012
Here is what Dave, one of my neighbors, told me today:
Not long ago in church, while reverently preparing for the service, I heard a sweet little old lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispering a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you.
She said:
"Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and now, my favorite announcer Dick Clark.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politician is Barack Obama. Amen."
The Unconventional Gazette / October 6, 2012
Here is what Dave, one of my neighbors, told me today:
Not long ago in church, while reverently preparing for the service, I heard a sweet little old lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispering a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you.
She said:
"Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael Jackson, my favorite salesman Billy Mays, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and now, my favorite announcer Dick Clark.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politician is Barack Obama. Amen."
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