JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE

By Pamela Putz

The Unconventional Gazette / July 29, 2012

Friday, I was attending the murder trial of Virgie Johnson, a little 94-year-old woman, when the following exchange took place between Virgie and her attorney:

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Virgie: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Virgie: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Virgie: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Virgie: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Virgie: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Virgie: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Virgie: He began to rub all over my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Virgie: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Virgie: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Virgie: Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Virgie: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the fucking bastard!

Defense attorney to judge: Your honor, I move for a directed verdict of acquittal.

Judge: I agree! The defendant is acquitted. Virgie, you are free to go.