WHICH KKK CHAPTER IS RIGHT FOR YOU?

The KKK wants you and thanks you for your support

By Craig Malisow | Houston Press | May 31, 2016

Good news for Texans looking for a new Ku Klux Klan chapter to join: The Tennessee-based Ku Klos Knights are now accepting applications for their "Realm of Texas."

The news was posted on our favorite white pride forum, Stormfront.org, where humanity goes to die. A person named "Klarn" posted the news, with a helpful link to the Ku Klos homepage, complete with application. But while we appreciate the Ku Klos Knights' membership drive, we thought it'd be good if folks weighed the application forms for other Klan affiliates as well. Fees vary; some require photo ID; some require you to buy robes only from approved stores. How's a budding young racist supposed to know which hatemongers are best for him or her? We waded through a few Klan sites, which for some reason all look like they were launched in 1997 and never updated, to find out.

The East Texas-based United White Knights of the KKK want to know if you "have what it takes to stop White Genocide," according to their website. Their application is long on white supremacy but short on spelling. For one thing, the United White Knights want to know if you are of "pure linage." They also have a sort of built-in credit check, wanting to know if you have "ever been rejected for membership in the Ku Klux Klan."

They also require a high school diploma or GED, which probably keeps their membership numbers down. But they're also stringent in other areas. Take heed: The United White Knights "do not accept Alcoholics, Sex Offenders, drug addicts, persons of poor character, thieves, drama queens, and sexual deviants." (We'd love to see a Klan chapter that does accept all those people.)

The aforementioned Ku Klos Knights want you to download and mail in an application, which seems like a lot of work already. But maybe that's how they weed out the slackers. The Klos boys also require a $10 payment and a "COLOR photocopy" of your driver's license.

Applicants will also be glad to hear that the Klos Knights are trying to remedy a tragic blunder wherein someone ordered a batch of patches for those members who have obtained the "Knighthawk" level, which we think is like a Boy Scout merit badge, but for hating people. Whoever placed the order didn't realize until too late that the "correct spelling is with a space and no K." Future orders will reflect correct spelling.

Note: Communists and members of the media are prohibited.

The Kentucky-based Trinity White Knights, which appears to consist of four dudes hanging out in a backyard, have an application that's straight-up laborious. Based on the questions, the Trinity gang seems to just be itching for a fight: "The TWK is a private club, we reserve the right to refuse petitions to anyone for any reason. Do you agree? Answer yes or no." Another question is simply, "Do you swear that all your answers are correct?" But we'd really, really like to know the story behind this doozy: "Have you ever been judged Insane by anyone, be it a Judge, Jury or Court?"

Suggesting the Trinity Klan fears plaintiffs' lawyers as much as miscegenation, the gang requires prospective members to relinquish their rights to sue and to relieve the group of liability for auto accidents. And based on the fact that one of the probably-four members likes to drive around while draped in his gigantic satiny purple regalia, it's no wonder they're concerned about insurance claims.

The newly initiated are also required to purchase "a Robe and Vest from an outside approved independent Source within 3 months of your swear in."

Note: Trinity doesn't screw around. There's a year-long probation period, wherein newbies "can be striped [sic] of membership."

That's just a sampling of the wildly varying application requirements among all the bedsheet-bespoke bubbas out there. Choose accordingly.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I’m ready to sign up. I can’t find my high school diploma, but my college degrees should do. And I’m not one of them alcoholics, sex offenders, drug addicts, persons of poor character, thieves, drama queens, and sexual deviants. Color photograph? Oh shit, I don’t think they are looking for Jews because a Jew is nothing but a nigger turned inside out.

By the way, I just heard that Abe Finkelstein’s Bed Sheet company won the bidding to supply the Klan with its robes.