OBAMA THROWS UP RIGHT THERE DURING SYRIA MEETING

The Onion | August 30, 2013

WASHINGTON—During a meeting with Cabinet-level officials at the White House Friday morning, sources confirmed that President Barack Obama threw up right in the middle of discussions regarding a U.S. military intervention in war-torn Syria.

“He got really quiet and pale when we began to discuss plans for a unilateral strike on al-Assad’s forces, but then [White House Chief of Staff] Denis McDonough mentioned the Muslim Brotherhood, and the president just puked right on the table,” said one source who was present, adding that Obama began dry heaving when talks turned to yesterday’s British parliamentary vote against any involvement in an imminent attack. “We thought he had gotten it all out of his system, but when [Secretary of State] John [Kerry] argued that the use of airborne military force must be swift and decisive in order to diminish the likelihood of a subsequent ground invasion, that just made Obama double over and hurl all over the floor. At that point, we simply had to stop the meeting.”

At press time, Obama was reportedly sitting in the fetal position in a corner of the Oval Office as advisers frantically assured him that France is prepared to take military action alongside the United States.

THE CASE FOR AND AGAINST INTERVENING IN SYRIA

The Onion | August 30, 2013

While the Obama administration has been considering an armed intervention in Syria following the gassing deaths of hundreds of Syrian civilians, a vocal movement in Congress and among the general public has emerged in opposition of any U.S. military role. Here are the arguments for and against American involvement in the war-torn Middle Eastern nation:

FOR:

It’s the right thing to do, maybe

Let American people finally sleep at night after years of being tormented by thoughts of innocent Syrians dying

Will put thousands of honest, diligent American Tomahawk cruise missiles back to work

We’re the good guys

Syrian people deserve to be free of a psychotic, oppressive dictator for a few weeks

Moral obligation to our defense industry

Footage of missiles being launched off decks of ships, green night-vision images, aerial shots of explosions—all that good stuff

Have plenty of money, a fresh, rested military—why not?

Be nice to throw Kathryn Bigelow a bone

Chance for Obama to put an exclamation point on an already great year

It’s been a while since we did one of these things

AGAINST:

Someone might be hurt, or even die

Could turn Russia and Iran against U.S.

History

Fear of setting a precedent of military action without U.N. approval

Slight, almost infinitesimal chance intervention might be a completely ineffectual act that even further destabilizes the region, touching off massive anti-American sentiment while allowing jihadist radicals to take power

Painful memories of intervening in Rwandan genocide

It’s hard

Bashar al-Assad just had a baby. A baby!

Bush invaded a foreign country. If Obama invades a foreign country, he will be like Bush. It is not good to be like Bush.

If we ever want to patch things up with Assad, this won’t exactly make that conversation a cake walk

Situation might work itself out

WHICH IS MORE PAINFUL, GIVING BIRTH OR GETTING KICKED IN THE NUTS?

By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Unconventional Gazette | August 30, 2013

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

HIS FIRST DAY DRIVING A CAB

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for LaGuardia Airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, knocked over a fire hydrant and stopped just inches short of crashing into a pizzeria.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab, then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the shit out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

HUSBAND LOST ALL INTEREST IN SEX

A recent article in the Houston Chronicle reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

DRIVER’S LISCENSE PHOTO MAY BE SHORT LIVED

Texas DPS clerk allowed smart ass to wear a pasta strainer on his head for his driver’s license photo

BarkGrowlBite | August 27, 2013

I suspect that the clerk will be reprimanded and Mr. Smart Ass will be called back to the driver’s license office for a more appropriate license photo, one without any headgear whatsoever.

HIS NOODLY APPENDAGE: TEXAS ‘PASTAFARIAN’ WEARS COLANDER AS RELIGIOOUS HEADGEAR IN DRIVER’S LICENCE PHOTO
By Craig Malisow

Houston Press Hair Balls | August 27, 2013

A heathen follower of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has scored a point for infidels in the Lone Star State, by successfully insisting he be allowed to wear a colander on his head for his driver's license photo.

"Once she allowed me to, I put the pasta strainer on my head, I took the biggest, cheesiest smile I probably ever took," Texas Tech student and "Pastafarian" Eddie Castillo told KLBK. Pastafarians -- those who've been "touched by his noodly appendage" -- first gained fame in a 2005 open letter to the Kansas State Board of Education, which decided that year to allow creationism to be taught in Kansas public schools.

Castillo was also quoted as saying "I don't want to say it's poking fun at religious headwear in other people's faiths. I would like to think that it actually opens the doors for new age religion."

However, the KBLK story states that "We spoke with DPS late Wednesday. They say their legal department has reviewed the move, and they say they will be contacting castillo to rectify the situation."

We hope the DPS doesn't force this pious Pastafarian to strip his scalp of such a sacred garment.

FROM WALES, NOT FROM SCOTLAND

I was at the Friendly Inn the other night and overheard three very obese women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital.

EX-BOYFRIEND’S GET-EVEN PRANK ENDS UP COSTING HER $4,500

Bought old car in her name, dumped it at airport parking lot where it got 678 tickets

BarkGrowlBite | August 24, 2013

When Brandon Preveau’s girlfriend, Jennifer Fitzgerald, broke up with him three years ago, he decided to get even. Preveau, a United Airlines employee, bought a battered 1999 Chevy, registered it in Fitzgerald’s name and dumped it in the O’Hare Airport employee parking lot. Because Fitzgerald did not have access to the employee parking lot, the car sat there from November 2009 to October 26, 2012, accumulating $105,761.80 in fines for 678 parking tickets.

The City of Chicago’s policy is to tow away cars that are left in its parking lots for more than 30 days. Why Fitzgerald’s car sat there for three years before it was impounded is a mystery. The car kept accumulating tickets while it sat at O’Hare.

The City was insistent that Fitzgerald, an unemployed single mother, pay the more than $105,000 in fines. Because she could not pay the fines, she was unable to obtain a driver’s license. With the help of a pro bono lawyer, she sued the City and Preveau. The City finally settled, agreeing to reduce the fines to $4,500. The settlement also requires Preveau to make a down payment of $1,600. Fitzgerald has to pay the balance at $78 a month for the next three years.

The get-even prank worked and it must have far exceeded Preveau’s expectations. But it was costly not only to his ex-girlfriend, but to the prankster as well.

THE WASHINGTON POST REPORTS A MARINE’S HEROIC ACT

A Harley biker is riding by the National Zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl who had apparently climbed over the visitor railing and was leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, leaps over the railing to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter from The Washington Post watched the whole event.

The reporter, addressing the Harley rider, says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's Post will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the day’s Washington Post to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS D.C. AFRICAN RESIDENT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!”

ALL CRUMPLED UP

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill.

He took the crumpled $20 bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen $100 all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled $100 bill.

He took the crumpled $100 bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied............

"Go look in the garage."

REPORT: EMPLOYERS KNOW WITHIN FIRST 5 MINUTES OF JOB INTERVIEW WHETHER THEY WILL MURDER APPLICANT

The Onion | August 20, 2013

NEW YORK—Confirming years of anecdotal evidence on workplace hiring practices, a new study conducted by psychologists at New York University has found that employers typically know within the first five minutes of a job interview with a prospective employee whether or not they will murder the applicant.

“First impressions are everything, and our research shows that no matter how good someone looks on paper, an employer can generally tell almost as soon as a job applicant walks through the door if this is someone they will soon violently kill,” lead researcher Dr. Laura Hollander said of the study, adding that initial factors such as an applicant’s eye contact, facial expression, energy level, and posture are often all that’s needed for employers to know for certain if they are going to slit that person’s throat and stuff their corpse in a supply closet. “One seasoned human resources manager, for example, told us that he typically knows as soon as the first handshake whether he’s going to murder an applicant on the spot or, alternatively, follow the applicant home that evening and bash his or her head in with a rock. Sure, once in a while an applicant can really shine at the end of an interview and overcome an unimpressive start, but in general, people need to be on their game from minute one if they want to prove to prospective employers that they’re someone who deserves to live.”

Researchers added that despite the study’s intimidating findings, job applicants can improve their odds of surviving the first interview by preparing responses for a range of potential questions, dressing professionally, and always carrying a concealed weapon in an ankle holster.

‘THE ONION’ ENCOURAGES ISRAEL AND PALESTINE NOT TO GIVE A SINGLE, GODDAMN INCH

The Onion | August 13, 2013

As the ongoing conflict between Israelis and Palestinians once again threatens to intensify, the international community has called on both sides to come together and engage in peace talks. On Wednesday, leaders from both sides will meet face-to-face in Jerusalem for the first time in five years, to discuss the terms of a Palestinian state alongside Israel, the drawing of a secure border between the two nations, and the fate of Palestinian refugees.

Ahead of these meetings, The Onion would like to firmly and categorically urge both Israelis and Palestinians to stand tall and steadfastly refuse to give up so much as a single inch during the negotiations.

Israelis and Palestinians, you must accept nothing short of total victory against those who threaten your religion and way of life. Sacrificing just one of your ideals would at this point be tantamount to complete and utter failure.

If a settlement is built, you must attack it. If a settlement is attacked, you must rebuild it. Rocks must be met with bullets; bullets must be met with rocket fire; rocket fire must be met with helicopter assaults. This is the only noble way forward for either side.

Having tirelessly waged this war for over six decades, will you, Palestinian forces and Israeli soldiers, simply give up? Will you crawl to the negotiating table like gutless cowards and compromise with your enemy, undermining all that your compatriots fought for over the past century? Will you spit on the graves of those countless men, women, and children who have spilled their blood and given their lives for your cause? Do you, Israelis and Palestinians, have any backbone whatsoever?

The Onion knows that compromise is for the weak. True bravery means never giving in, never backing down, and never, ever shying away from your principles. Mere words will not end this war. We call on Jews and Arabs alike to stand your ground and show you are willing to die for your cause. Only then will your enemy back down. The Onion can guarantee you that.

Many global leaders have called on Prime Minister Netanyahu and President Abbas to make concessions. The Onion insists that you ignore such pressure no matter the cost, unless of course you welcome the prospect of forsaking your own people and surrendering in shame. And with regards to this pathetic “Two-State Solution,” consider this question: Do those brutish, lowly pigs on the opposing side truly have a right to occupy your land? The answer is, and always has been, no. Why defy God’s will and allow them to take land that is not rightfully theirs? Rather than agree to this so-called compromise, you may as well just wave a white flag, give up, and let your proud people be trampled under the dirty, savage feet of your bitter rivals.

Instead, both sides must continue building arsenals of weapons and artillery, and must not under any circumstances hesitate to use them. The Onion implores you to attack their military bases, assassinate their leaders, and bomb their cities. And always remember that civilian casualties are merely collateral damage in your mission to seize land that—through the very decree of God Himself—belongs to your people and your people alone.

The Onion would now like to address the leaders of these two warring factions individually.

Prime Minister Netanyahu, we ask that you continue your brave resistance to the threats against your people. Every time your homeland falls under attack from Gaza, not only must you exercise your right to defend your countrymen, you must respond tenfold. For every rocket that is fired and for every stone that is thrown, send an army of your best soldiers to kill 100 Palestinians in their homes. Rip a father away from his children, drag him into the street, and execute him in front of his entire family. The Onion assures you that such action is the only way the Palestinians will come to understand that every act of violence against your people will have devastating consequences. Meanwhile, forge ahead with plans to open new Jewish settlements in the West Bank and east Jerusalem. And once those are complete, build more settlements. Expand until the entire region is back in the rightful hands of God’s chosen people. Keep in mind that you have the might of one of the world’s greatest and most disciplined militaries at your disposal, not to mention the backing of some of the most powerful nations on earth, so do not let those advantages go to waste. You cannot sacrifice your religious morals and principles in order to negotiate with terrorists. Every time the thought of compromise even crosses your mind for a second, remember that your people have suffered for thousands of years, struggled against the most brutal forms of oppression, and fought tirelessly so that Jews today can have a unified national state to call their home.

And President Abbas, The Onion would like to remind you of the sick and reprehensible crimes that these Zionist murderers have inflicted upon your people. These are the same savages who starve your families, who deny them clean water, who send combat drones into your skies, who murder unarmed women and children and drop bombs onto neighborhood streets. You cannot negotiate with such heartless animals—your only option is to relentlessly attack them until they cower in submission. So embrace the brave freedom fighters of Hamas, and continue waging your holy war against the oppressive Israeli government. Every time Israel builds on your lands, bring their buildings to the ground. Flood east Jerusalem with rockets and do not rest until every settlement is reduced to rubble. This is your home, and you cannot give it up without a fight. Do not let the bloodthirsty Zionists who stole your homeland from under your very nose like common thieves tell you that Palestine is not a rightful nation. And most importantly, do not let anyone tell you that you have to share it with them.

And to both of you: As direct talks commence tomorrow, The Onion only hopes that you hold on firmly to your convictions and maintain your unflinching resolve to protect the interests of your people, regardless of the cost in money and blood.

Remain steadfast. Remain strong. And never give up your noble fight, even if it takes several more generations.

THANK YOU NOTE

Allen Greenberg, the head of a brokerage house, gave Ellen Ross, his secretary a very expensive pen as a gift for her 10th anniversary on the job. She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.

The email said:

"Allen, your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks so much. Ellen"

Mrs. Greenberg found the email and, after reading it, threw Allen out of their home and filed for divorce.

WHITE HOUSE INCREASES SECURITY AFTER MAN SHOWS UP AT OVAL OFFICE LOOKING FOR OBAMA

The Onion / August 15, 2013

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Secret Service announced Wednesday that the White House has upgraded its security procedures following a recent incident in which Donald Glazer, a 51-year-old man who had no prior appointment scheduled, showed up unannounced at the Oval Office looking for President Barack Obama.

“Mr. Glazer waited by himself for 45 minutes, milling about the empty Oval Office and idly thumbing through the materials left out on President Obama’s desk while waiting for the commander-in-chief to return,” said Secret Service Director Julia Pierson, adding that while Glazer wasn’t threatening or armed, he should not have been able to enter the White House through a staff access door, walk through the Rose Garden, enter the West Wing, say “I’m here to see Barack Obama,” and be let into the Oval Office. “From now on, we will be maintaining a visitor log that all White House guests will be required to sign before being permitted on the premises, as well as installing metal detectors at several key entry points. Additionally—and this is of the utmost importance—we must make an effort to keep all doors and gates to the White House locked at all times. No exceptions.”

Sources later told reporters that Glazer wanted to talk to Obama about getting E-Z Pass booths installed along Nebraska toll roads.

IRISH DAD SUDDENLY APPRECIATES HIS WAYWARD DAUGHTER

An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Get out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK, Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, a title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club”…She takes a breath and continues,.. "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Daddy

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!"…Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

HILTON CORRECTIONAL HOTEL

By Pamela Putz

The Unconventional Gazette / August 14, 2013

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Christopher J. Nassetta, President & Chief Executive Officer of Hilton Worldwide, today announced a historic agreement with the Florida Department of Corrections and the Federal Bureau of Prisons to construct the first Hilton Correctional Hotel 20 miles northwest of Fort Lauderdale in Coral Springs.

Present during the announcement were Florida Gov. Rick Scott, Florida Department of Corrections Secretary Mike Crews, Attorney General Eric Holder, Federal Bureau of Prisons Director Charles E. Samuels, Jr., Coral Springs Mayor Vincent Boccard, Coral Springs City Manager Erdal Donmez and Hilton Worldwide President of Development Ian R. Carter.

Taking a page out of California’s Seal Beach Detention Center, Nassetta announced that the Florida Hilton Correctional Hotel will be the first of several ‘pay-to-stay’ private luxury prisons to be built and operated by the hotel chain, with each to house 500 inmates.

Only low-risk inmates with no history of violence will be eligible for confinement in the correctional hotel. Each inmate will be charged from $250 to $450 per day, depending on the size and style of room they are staying in. Each room will have private bath facilities, a 52” flat-screen LED TV, Wi-Fi hookup and telephone service. Rooms will be cleaned and beds will be made up daily by Hilton staff. Alcoholic beverages will not be allowed. Cellphones will also be prohibited.

In addition to paying for their accommodations, the inmates will have to pay for their choice of gourmet meals served at the hotel's upscale restaurant. They will also be charged for cable or satellite TV and for Wi-Fi usage.

Like many other prisons, the Hilton Correctional Hotel will be surrounded by a double perimeter fence topped by razor wire for securitypurposes. It will have an Olympic-size swimming pool, a nine-hole golf course and tennis courts. The commissary will be stocked with luxury items, including Rolex, Patek Philippe and Vacheron Constantin watches, Armani suits and Polo Ralph Lauren shirts.

In addition to the hotel staff, correctional officers trained by the Florida Department of Corrections, but employed by Hilton, will provide security for the luxury penal institution.

Gov. Scott said the hotel will be a win-win for the state and federal governments, as well as for Hilton. The state and the feds will not have to pay Hilton anything for housing their prisoners. Instead they will receive a cut of what Hilton charges them. For each Florida inmate, the state will receive one-third of what each inmate pays. The federal government will also receive one-third of what each of its inmates is charged.

Hilton’s Carter said Florida was chosen as the first site of the new concept because of “all the rich Jews, wealthy Cubans and transplanted northerners residing in the state.” He said the next correctional hotel would be built in California, negotiations with Gov. Jerry Brown already well under way.

Bernard Madoff, Raj Rajaratnam, Dennis Kozlowski, John Rigas, Bernard “Bernie” Ebbers and Jeff Skilling are some of the wealthy federal prison inmates who are expected to apply for transfer to the Hilton’s Florida Correctional Hotel.

There was immediate reaction from minority civil rights leaders. NAACP president Benjamin Todd Jealous said that the NAACP will file a federal lawsuit against the planned facility because it discriminates against African-Americans and other minorities who cannot afford to pay for luxury prison accommodations. Al Shapton said, “This is another example of how our racist justice system favors rich Jews to the detriment of poor African-Americans. No justice, no peace!”

With his son having been sentenced to a 30-month federal prison term just two hours before the Hilton announcement, Jesse Jackson said, “I hope to have my son Jesse Jr. transferred to the Hilton Correctional Hotel just as soon as it opens.”

HORSECONNECT, THE SOCIAL NETWORK FOR HORSES, BOUGHT FOR $1BILLION

The Onion / August 8, 2013

PALO ALTO, CA—In an exciting development for what many tech insiders are calling the hottest startup in Silicon Valley, HorseConnect, the social network exclusively for horses, has been acquired for approximately $1 billion, sources confirmed Thursday.

“When we heard of a website that allows horses to create personal profiles and connect with one another online, we knew we had to get in on the ground floor,” said venture capitalist Micah Sheridan, leader of the consortium of private investors who successfully completed the all-cash deal, adding that he anticipated every stallion, colt, and filly in America would eventually be using the burgeoning social media platform. “There’s a ton of buzz around this property, and for good reason: Once we expand into the global market, the revenue potential is enormous. No question, it’s a bright future for HorseConnect, and we’re going to be there every step of the way.”

Despite Sheridan’s unwavering enthusiasm about his investment group’s acquisition, many analysts reportedly have expressed their concerns as to its long-term growth potential, pointing to the disastrous IPOs of competing equine social networks Foal Follow, YearLink, and MareFinder.

POST TROUBLED CHILDHOOD DISORDER

By Ima Schmuck

Exclusive to The Unconventional Gazette
August 7, 2013

Sherryl H. Goodman, editor of the Journal of Abnormal Psychology revealed that the American Psychiatric Association will add Post Troubled Childhood Disorder (PTCD) to its official list of Mental Disorders. Dr. Goodman said the recognition of PTCD was based on a five year study conducted by researchers from the University of California, The University of Texas and Columbia University. The study will be published in the November issue of the journal.

The study was conducted from April 2008 through June 2012. Dr. Emil Schmidtlapp, professor of abnormal psychology at UC Berkeley, and his students interviewed 719 inmates on California’s death row. University of Texas-Austin psychology professor Robert Downhill, an expert in deviant behavior, and his students interviewed 369 Texas death row inmates. Dr. Andrew Cornwall, professor of psychiatry at Columbia and Chief of Psychiatry at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital, and his associates interviewed 1,736 prison inmates convicted of forcible rape and 2,118 child molesters in New York, New Jersey and Maryland prisons. All three teams also conducted meticulous studies on the background of each inmate interviewed.

Of the 1,088 death row inmates studied, all but six were found to have had a troubled childhood. Most of them had been repeatedly beaten by their fathers, their stepfathers or by their mothers’ boyfriends. Most of them had been raised in homes or neighborhoods where the illegal use of drugs was prevalent. The six death row inmates that did not have a troubled childhood were diagnosed as having a sociopathic ideation.

Of the 1,736 rapists, 1,679 had been sexually molested either by a father or stepfather, by a relative, by their mother’s boyfriend, by a priest, rabbi or pastor, or by numerous individuals during their early childhood. The 57 rapists that did not have a troubled childhood were diagnosed as having a sociopathic ideation.

Dr. Cornwall and his associates found compelling evidence that Susan Brownmiller and her fellow feminists were dead wrong in contending that 'rape is not a crime of lust but a crime of violence and power.' Cornwall’s team found that rapists had either one of two motives. Some rapists suffering from PTCD were motivated by a hatred of women because they blamed their mothers for participating in or not intervening in the beatings they suffered during childhood. Most rapists were motivated by a strong desire to have sex, and because of PTCD, they failed to exercise any self-restraint. These rapists were often aroused by the dress of their victims – miniskirts, low cut blouses, see-through clothing, etc.

Of the 2,118 child molesters, all but 17 had been sexually molested in their early childhood. The 17 who did not have a troubled childhood were diagnosed as having a sociopathic ideation.

Drs. Schmidtlapp, Downhill and Cornwall concluded that based on their extensive and peer reviewed study, almost all murderers, rapists and child molesters were suffering from PTCD at the time they committed their crimes. After presenting their findings to a standing committee of the American Psychiatric Association, the APA concurred that PTCD belonged on their list of Mental Disorders.

The three researchers were also emphatic that with the exception of the sociopaths, none of the murderers should have been sentenced to death. They also agreed that a number of the killers could have been handled civilly, instead of criminally, and committed to a psychiatric facility for treatment. Dr. Cornwall recommended that rapists suffering from PTCD should also be handled civilly and committed to a psychiatric facility for treatment. As for the child molesters, Dr. Cornwall would not send them to prison, but would have them committed for life to a psychiatric facility.

RETIRED SAILOR CAN ONLY DO THREE KNOTS

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He finds a lovely prostitute, takes her up to a room and hands her $100 for an hour of pleasure.

Soon after they undress and get in bed, Norman is going at it as well as he can for a guy his age. However, needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back.'

89-YEAR-OLD MAN PLED GUILTY TO RAPE OF CUTE BLONDE

Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something...But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?’

'Well, the little gold-digging bitch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

HOW DID SHE KNOW A STRANGER’S NAME?

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?