AYMAN AL-ZAWAHIRI DELIVERS TEDTALK ON CHANGING FACE OF TERRORISM

The Onion / March 29, 2013

ATLANTA—Addressing attendees gathered for this week’s TEDxEvolution Conference, al-Qaeda head Ayman al-Zawahiri delivered an informative and engrossing TEDTalk on the state of worldwide terrorism, entitled “Terror At A Crossroads: Instilling Fear In The 21st-Century Infidel.”

“We find ourselves in an ever-evolving, globally connected community that is confronted with numerous societal and economic obstacles every day. The question is, and it’s a difficult one, how can we, as terrorist cells, overcome these roadblocks while staying true to our vision? How do we adapt?” the 56-year-old al-Qaeda leader and Islamist militant said while audience members reportedly nodded their heads, took notes, and laughed when al-Zawahiri delivered some lighthearted jabs at former boss Osama bin Laden. “For example, what happens when your terrorist organization’s overseas assets are frozen? Do you you lash out, behead a journalist, and destroy an Amsterdam bus station? Or do you regroup, assess the situation, see if you can make a connection—a very real, very honest, very genuine connection—with another terrorist group, and together figure out a way to acquire a nuclear weapon? Connections, folks. Both personal and professional. That’s really what we’re talking about today.”

Sources confirmed that at the end of his 18-minute speech, audience members gave al-Zawahiri a standing ovation.

THE GIRLS ON FOX NEWS

Lyrics by Austin Cunningham

Well I used to be a Democrat, Liberal no doubt
I didn’t think Conservatives knew what life’s about
Then I started leaving the Fox News channel on.
If that’s the face of the right, I’ll tell the left so long.

Oh, I want a girl like the girls on Fox News
Everyone is beautiful, anyone you choose
Whoever does the hiring knows how to light my fuse
I want a girl like the girls on Fox News.

There’s Gretchen, Meagan and Martha, Harris and Patti Ann
Janice, Jen and Julie, Maria, Anna and Alison
Dana, Ainsley, Andrea, Uma, Shannon, Molly and Heather

Hey, is there even a Heather?
Yeah.
There’s two?
Yeah two

There’s Mollys too?
Yeah.
Perfect.

Well they make the bad news on TV look a whole lot better!

Now please don’t call me shallow, a pervert, or insane.
Because who the heck does not love beauty with brains.
I bet you that Bill Clinton, when Hillary walks in
Quickly switches back from Fox to MSBNN!

Bet Bill wants a girl like the girls on Fox News
Everyone is beautiful, anyone you choose!
Whoever does the hiring, knows how to light my fuse
I want a girl like the girls on Fox News!

Now to Doocy, Kilmeade, and Bolling, Bret, Shep and Sean
And all them other hairy-legged Geraldos you put on
I ask you all one question, who would you rather watch
Cavuto or Courtney Friel interview Ed Koch.

‘Cause honey sure beats vinegar to wash down the news we need
No one else comes close, well except for maybe Robin Meade.
They got your blondes and brunettes, even redheads, too
Which proves that they’re the only ones with fair and balanced news!

Oh I want a girl, like the girls on Fox News
I’d settle for an hour there in Billy Hemmer’s shoes
Can’t help if other network girls’ egos get bruised
I want a girl like the girls on Fox News.

More cowbell!

And I like Michelle Malkin, she never makes my reds stay blue
And if my wife would let me, hey I’d marry Michelle, too.
Save some love for Greta, she’s the smartest y’all
Bet when she’s off the record, she’s the wildest of them all!

Now I’m a Fox News junkie, I watch it all I can
My Liberal days are over, hope Bob Beckel understands.
And I believe in everything O’Reilly has to say
Especially when he has Kimberly Guilfoyle on that day.

Oh I want a girl like the girls on Fox News!
Everyone is beautiful, anyone you choose.
Whoever does the hiring knows how to light my fuse
I want a girl like the girls on Fox News.
Hey, I want a girl like the girls on Fox News!

No, honey, I love you!
I mean if I wasn’t married to you, I’d love them
I mean they’re awesome
But you’re the most awesomest, really!
I swear, honey.

REPORT: IT PRETTY INCREDIBLE THAT AMERICANS ENTRUSTED WITH DRIVING CARS

The Onion / March 27, 2013

WASHINGTON—Citing that a majority of Americans are irresponsible, easily distracted people who have little regard for other human beings, a new Department of Transportation report revealed Wednesday that it’s “actually kind of crazy” that U.S. citizens are allowed to drive automobiles.

“Americans make millions of mind-boggling, idiotic mistakes every day, and when taking into consideration the sheer amount of lives that could be lost due to just the slightest human error while driving, it’s actually pretty goddamn shocking that we let citizens operate 4,000-pound machines capable of going 200 mph,” the report read in part, later adding that if one truly thinks about who their neighbors, friends, and children are as people, the absolute last thing one would be comfortable with would be them merging onto a busy highway with cars traveling 85 mph. “Consider the average American on Facebook who says things like ‘first’ or makes a bizarre Monica Lewinsky reference out of nowhere. Now think of somebody dumber than that. That person’s allowed to drive, too. Pretty nuts, right?”

The report ultimately concluded that only 62 total Americans are intelligent and thoughtful enough to operate a motor vehicle.

KIM JONG-UN COMES OUT IN SUPPORT OF GAY MARRIAGE: ‘I’M NOT A MONSTER’

The Onion / March 26, 2013

PYONGYANG—As the U.S. Supreme Court heard arguments Tuesday on the constitutionality of banning same-sex marriage, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un told reporters that, considering he’s not a completely awful human being, he unequivocally believes that gay people should be able to marry.

“Of course I believe gay and lesbian couples should be treated equally under the law, for God’s sake; I’m not a monster,” the despotic leader said, adding that the idea of trying to stop a loving couple from legally marrying one another is not only wrong from a moral and ethical standpoint but also violates the Fourteenth Amendment. “I have no idea what’s going on with the justices over there, to be honest. The whole thing is a fucking embarrassment.”

Kim added that, should the Supreme Court not declare same-sex marriage constitutional in all 50 states, he would strongly consider launching a nuclear weapon at the United States.

I AM A GROUNDHOG, A MEMBER OF THE RODENT FAMILY

By Punxsutawney Phil

The Unconventional Gazette / March 26, 2013

I am a rodent, not a meteorologist … I’ve been fooling your dumb asses all these years.

If you’re stupid enough to think a rodent can predict the weather, it’s no wonder you elected the political office holders you did!

DON’T PULL A FAKE GUN ON SOMEONE WITH A REAL GUN

Or how to thin out the shallow end of the gene pool

By Bob Walsh

PACOVILLA Corrections blog / March 26, 2013

Last Thursday about 4:30 p.m., the cops in Huntington Beach, California responded to a call of a man and woman arguing behind an Italian restaurant. The man apparently said he had a gun and was threatening the woman.

When the cops showed up the man, Ian Christopher Berrier, 20, pulled a gun and the cops shot and killed him. The gun turned out to be a very realistic looking toy. The woman was not injured.

I realize it is harsh, but I tend to look at this as thinning out the shallow end of the gene pool.

EURO-ENGLISH

The Unconventional Gazette / March 25, 2013

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other option.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government c onceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

‘THIS IS A POINTLESS TRIP,’ OBAMA SAYS WHILE SHAKING HANDS WITH NETANYAHU

The Onion / March 20, 2013

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL—Moments after stepping out from Air Force One Wednesday, President Barack Obama reportedly greeted Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at Ben Gurion International Airport, shook his hand, smiled, leaned in, and told the Israeli leader that “this is a completely pointless visit and a waste of everyone’s time.”

“This trip will accomplish nothing,” Obama reportedly said out of the corner of his mouth while he and Netanyahu smiled broadly and waved to the gathered crowd. “You won’t do what I want when it comes to stopping Israeli settlements, and I can’t do what you want in terms of dismissing Palestine. Now, pretend to laugh at what I just said so it appears like we get along.”

As Obama walked up the tarmac with his arm around Netanyahu’s shoulder, the President said he basically traveled 5,000 miles for a meaningless photo op, at which point both men turned around, waved one last time, and stepped into a waiting limousine.

PALMER MOTORS: GMC DEALER OF THE YEAR CANDIDATE

Dealership in Wisconsin sold a $42,000 GMC Terrain to an 89-year-old dying blind man on morphine and his 90-year-old wife who suffers from dementia

BarkGrowlBite / March 22, 2013

The only sale that could top this one would be for Palmer Motors to sell a car to a dead couple.

DEALER SELLS CAR TO 89-YEAR-OLD BLIND, DYING VET
You know, people, getting through this life from one end to the other in one piece really does require just one rule: don’t be a crook

By Jerry Reynolds

Car Pro News
March 20, 2012

If you ever find yourself in a situation of dubious moral standing, take a step back and ask yourself, “Am I being a crook to any person or thing?” If the answer is “yes,” then stop what you’re doing, apologize and go home. One dealership in Wisconsin could possibly have benefitted from that course of action when it reportedly helped David McMurray con his elderly and disabled parents into buying a brand-new $42,000 GMC Terrain for his use.

According to local news reports, a representative from Palmen Motors visited Harold and Christen Thomsen’s home to collect signatures for a loan agreement three weeks before the 89-year-old, legally blind Harold passed away. The World War II veteran was on morphine and in hospice when he signed for the GMC, and his 90-year-old wife suffers from dementia. Even so, upon being discovered, the dealer initially said everything was done “legally.” According to Barb Tinkler, McMurray’s sister, the sale was a scam that remained hidden until he was busted for an unrelated criminal charge.

An attorney for Palmen Motors has now said they regret the way the transaction went down and the dealership will buy the car back and pay off the loan. State police have opened their own investigation after the local news station brought the issue to light.

GOOD MEDICAL ADVICE FROM THE JEWISH SAGES OF OLD

The Unconventional Gazette / March 20, 2013

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After f***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save your valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels

So remember...Fasting is good for your health and may God cleanse your dirty mind!

BOLD NEW POPE SHOWS CROWD IN SAINT PETER’S SQUARE HOW TO APPLY CONDOM

The Onion / March 18, 2013

VATICAN CITY—Less than a week after succeeding Pope Benedict XVI as the next Bishop of Rome and inheriting a deeply divided Catholic Church, Pope Francis I on Sunday signaled a bold direction for his papacy by demonstrating to followers gathered in Saint Peter’s Square how to correctly use and apply a condom.

“It’s imperative that partners use a brand-new condom for each act of vaginal, anal, or oral sex and put it on as soon as erection occurs,” the supreme pontiff said to thousands of devout Catholics while gripping the base of an anatomical teaching model and gently rolling a LifeStyles-brand condom down the shaft of the silicon penis. “To reduce air pockets and minimize the risk of breakage, pinch the top of the semen reservoir with your thumb and forefinger, then withdraw the penis directly after ejaculation. And remember, always use a new condom when alternating between different sexual acts; it’s more effective, more sanitary, and improves the sexual experience for both partners.”

Francis added that though he understood condom use was not ideal for maximizing sexual pleasure and personally prefers not to wear them, they are the most effective way to prevent the spread of infectious diseases besides abstaining from sex altogether.

POPE FRANCIS: BREAKING WITH TRADITION

The Unconventional Gazette / March 18, 2013

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition, but, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after a new Pope is elected, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

During the reign of Pope Benedict XVI, Riccardo Di Segni became the new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.

Then Argentine Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected Pope and took the name Francis.

When the time came and Rabbi Di Segni was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, Pope Francis called him back.

"My brother," Pope Francis whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugged and replied: "We have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."

Pope Francis then said: "I’m not all that much into tradition, so let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together. Then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." Rabbi Di Segni agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, Rabbi Di Segni reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As Pope Francis peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

It was a bill for the Last Supper from "Moishe the Caterer."

SENIOR PERSONAL ADS FROM FLORIDA NEWSPAPERS

The Unconventional Gazette / March 16, 2013

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
-------------------------------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
-------------------------------------------------

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
-------------------------------------------------

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
-------------------------------------------------

BEATLES OR STONES?:
I still like to rock, cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and play guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
------------------------------------------------

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
-------------------------------------------------

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Not in running condition, but walks well.

KNIVES ON PLANES?

By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Unconventional Gazette / March 15, 2013

Transportation Security Administration chief John Pistole has announced a new policy that will allow passengers to carry small pocket knives aboard airliners. Knives permitted under the policy must be able to fold up and have blades that are 2.36 inches (60 millimeters) or less in length and are less than a half-inch (127 millimeters) wide. The policy is aimed at allowing passengers to carry pen knives, corkscrews with small blades and other small knives.

Besides knives, the policy will also allow passengers to include in their carry-on luggage novelty-size baseball bats less than 24 inches (610 millimeters) long, toy plastic bats, billiard cues, ski poles, hockey sticks, lacrosse sticks and two golf clubs. Items like box cutters and razor blades are still prohibited.

The policy change brought about an immediate response from the Flight Attendants Union Coalition which represents 90,000 unionized flight attendants working for the nation’s airlines. In a press statement issued Thursday announcing its campaign to reverse the TSA's decision, the coalition said: "This policy reversal is against the best interest of the security of crew and passengers in the aircraft cabin and we will stop at nothing to fight it."

During a Congressional hearing in which Pistole defended the policy change, he ran head-on into Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, D-Texas. Jackson Lee said Pistole needed to change course on the rule change — fast. “You need to stop this now,” she said. “These cause bleeding. These cause injury. These can cause a terrible tragedy. And I don’t want to take it to the next length. It can possibly cause someone to lose their life.”

One of Jackson Lee’s colleagues, many of whom call her ‘motormouth’, remarked that this was the shortest statement she’s made in all the years she’s been in Congress.

A flight attendant who did not want to be identified told The Unconventional Gazette:

__We sure as hell don’t want any passengers carrying knives onboard our planes. We’ve got enough trouble keeping male passengers’ bare hands from groping us as it is now. It is not uncommon for some drunk to reach up under our skirts and try to finger our privates, if you get what I mean. And now the TSA wants to let them have knives? Fuck no!

The Unconventional Gazette also talked to Craig Price at Rhode Island’s Adult Correctional Institution in Cranston. Price, a serial killer also known as the Warwick Slasher for stabbing four women to death when he was only 16, told us:

__Man, I often lie awake at nights thinking about running up and down the aisle of an airliner, slashing away at the flight attendants and women passengers. I think about it till I get off … then I go to sleep. Just think, when I get out of this joint, I can board an airliner with my Swiss Army knife.

Tie Domi, a retired enforcer for the Toronto Maple Leafs who accumulated more penalty minutes than any other player in the history of that hockey club, said:

__I don’t give a rat’s ass about knives, but I do carry a hockey stick wherever I go now because there’s lots of fucking hockey fans that really hate my ass. Whenever one of them gives me a bad time, I give ‘em a whack with my stick … that usually quiets the fuckers down. I stopped flying when they wouldn’t let me bring my hockey stick along … now I can fly again.

Hans Schnabel, spokesman for Victorinox, said his company welcomes the new TSA policy. “The sales of our Swiss Army knives have really suffered in America since knives were banned from being brought onto airliners. The new policy should give a good jump start to increased sales of our outstanding product.”

Helmut Braun, spokesman for Wenger, another manufacturer of Swiss Army knives, said the new TSA policy was good news for his company. “We have lost about 40 percent of our sales because of the ridiculous policy that prohibited passengers from carrying pocket knives aboard planes. The new policy should help restore our sales to where they were before the ban.”

Rocker Ted Nugent, an outspoken pro-gunner, said:

__I grew up the American way, carrying a pocket knife. It’s about time the government reversed its unconstitutional policies of taking away the rights of individual citizens. As far as I’m concerned, the right to bear knives should be right up there with the right to bear arms. But with Congress all in an uproar over the change in the TSA knife policy, I wouldn’t put it past Diane Feinstein to introduce a bill in the Senate to ban the possession of knives.

Senator Ted Cruz, R-Texas, a Tea Party favorite, said:

__I heard a rumor that the communist lady from San Francisco, Sen. Feinstein, is getting ready to introduce a bill to prohibit the possession of knives. I promise to use any and all means at my command to keep Feinstein’s bill from becoming law. Us Texans don’t cotton to anything that originates from Amercia’s Sodom and Gomorrah.

Despite all the criticism and opposition in Congress, Pistole said he was sticking by his decision.

14-YEAR-OLD CONGRESSIONAL WHIZ KID BALANCES BUDGET

The Onion / March 14, 2013

WASHINGTON—At an age when most boys are going to Little League practice and playing video games with their friends, spunky Congressional whiz kid Paul Ryan, 14, has issued a comprehensive proposal to balance the federal budget, impressed Washington sources told reporters Thursday.

“When I was 14 years old, all I was thinking about was having enough allowance money to buy comic books, but this little teen dynamo is actually trying to rein in annual spending and eliminate the deficit,” Congressman Earl Blumenauer (D-OR) said of the perky, high-school-age wonder boy, whose budget reform plan seeks to reduce government spending by $4.6 trillion by 2023 through a long-term fiscal policy that includes deep cuts to food stamps and other entitlement programs. “He comes in here every day in his little two-piece suit, with his snazzy haircut that it looks like his mom gave him, and you just have to admire the kid. Heck, he’s still three years away from applying for college, for God’s sake! I imagine he’s not too popular with the other kids his age, but I’m sure he’s used to that by now.”

Despite their enthusiasm for the teen whiz kid’s pluck and hard work, Congressional sources were quick to note that Ryan’s budget plan made “absolutely no sense.”

LEARNING TO CUSS

The Unconventional Gazette / March 13, 2013

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

HABEMUS PAPUM

By Bob Walsh

PACOVILLA / March 12, 2013

VATICAN CITY -- In what was certainly the shortest conclave in the last 1,000 years the Roman Catholic Church has elected Barack Hussein Obama as Pope. It is sort of strange as he is not a member of the clergy, is not Catholic, and may not (depending on who you ask) even be a Christian.

The Camerlengo, when asked about this extraordinary situation, responded, “If the Nobel Prize Committee can give him the Peace Prize simply for defeating a military hero [John McCain], we can elect him Pope on the same basis.”

The President’s press secretary, Allison Janney, announced that the president intends to hold both posts simultaneously and may very well hold the post of President for life, to parallel his election as Pope, as a matter of administrative convenience.

POOP’S CONTRIBUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING

The Unconventional Gazette / March 12, 2013

Early this morning, while some of us were getting organized for the day’s tasks at the Armand Bayou Nature Center, fellow volunteer Fred and I got into a discussion on global warming. Professor Fred had this explanation for why the earth is warming up:

In addition to the carbon dioxide emissions from automobiles and industries, methane gas is a major contributor to global warming.

A thousand years ago there were only a few million humans on earth as opposed to the billions now inhabiting our planet. There were also only a few cows, sheep and hogs compared to the number nowadays. Whenever humans, cows, sheep and hogs poop, methane gas is released into the atmosphere.

Today, with billions of people and countless cows, sheep and hogs pooping several times a day all over the world, tons of methane gas are released into the atmosphere. When you add the methane gas to the automobile and industrial pollutants in the atmosphere, you get global warming.

In other words, according to Professor Fred, we are experiencing global warming largely because the earth is full of shit!

THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE

The Unconventional Gazette / March 11, 2013

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Mercedes in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. He opened the door and was getting out when a truck passed by too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Mercedes with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his $90,000 Mercedes, which he had just purchased a couple of hours before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was ripped off when the truck hit you!"

"Oh shit," screamed the lawyer, …

… "my $43,000 Rolex!"

TRUE HEADS OF THEIR HOUSEHOLD

The Unconventional Gazette / March 10, 2013

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

SENATOR LENO: PRISON BIDETS NIX TOILET PAPER COSTS, SAVE WATER

Bill would add bidets in state prison, jail cells by 2015

By Jeff ‘Paco’ Doyle

PACOVILLA / March 8, 2013

SACRAMENTO -- In the aftermath of prison realignment, the California Department of Correction and Rehabilitation (CDCR) no longer holds the dubious distinction of being the largest prison system in the nation. If Senator Mark Leno, D-San Francisco, has his way, the corrections agency will lose bragging rights as #1 in yet another realm - CDCR is California’s single largest consumer of toilet tissue and Leno wants to put an end to it.

The Los Angeles Times reports that SB-141, “The Correctional Conservation and Sanitation Act of 2013″ would require CDCR and all county jails to install “corrections industry approved toilets equipped with bidet sanitary water heads” by the end of fiscal year 2015. If enacted, affected agencies would be prohibited from issuing toilet paper altogether. ”In lieu of toilet tissue, inmates housed in cells or dormitories equipped under this section shall be issued cotton or hemp washcloths for drying purposes,” the bill states.

“From an environmental and water conservation standpoint, toilet paper is enemy number one,” Leno stated at a Capitol Rotunda news conference late Thursday afternoon. ”Treating effluent to remove paper solids costs 3 times as much as treating paper free waste-water.”

“At the same time, industry studies report toilet paper users produce 20 to 40% more flushes, and water use, versus users of a bidet,” the senator said.

Leno displayed a picture of a stainless steel combination bidet-toilet approved by the American Correctional Association, which sets and monitors U.S. prison and jail standards. “These units cost approximately $20 more than the standard cell toilet and will eventually pay for themselves in toilet paper savings, decreased water treatment costs and increasing water conservation,” Leno added.

Records obtained through the State Controller’s Office show the agency approved CDCR’s purchase of $9.4 million in toilet paper for fiscal year 2010, reportedly the most recent data available. Leno claims that figure “represents over 150 billion cubic yards of used tissue” in the state’s water treatment plants.

CDCR Deputy Press Secretary Terry Thornton told The Times the prison agency was “only recently apprised of the proposed law and has no official position at this time.”

“Our commitment to making CDCR green includes improving sanitation and water conservation for the benefit of all taxpayers,” Thornton added. “If bidets will be as beneficial as Senator Leno says, it is fully consistent with our mission statement and organizational values to install them as soon as the law allows.”

The bill is expected to pass both houses of the legislature. Despite numerous inquires from The Times, The Governor’s Office has not responded.
_________

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you’re planning to rush out and buy some stock in bidet manufacturers, hold your horses. If you haven’t figured it out by now, Paco was pulling our chains with a humorous parody.

A DIFFERENCE IN INTERPRETATION OF A PAINTING AT THE ART GALLERY

The Unconventional Gazette / March 7, 2013

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused . . .

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery,’ asked the couple?

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.’

IT'S ALL IN THE WORDING

The Unconventional Gazette /’ March 6, 2013

After living in Ohio for a few years, a man and his wife moved back home to North Carolina.

The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2,000 per year!

When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said, "$39."

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap to insure it here in North Carolina when it cost him $2,000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, “Well, here it is on the screen and it says, ‘Any wooden structure with a sprinkler system above it is $39.’... You just have to know how to describe it!”

CHICAGO PUBLIC SCHOOLS FINALLY STARTING TO TEACH PRACTICAL MATH THAT DISADVANTAGED KIDS CAN UNDERSTAND AND USE IN REAL-WORLD SITUATIONS

New practical math course devised at direction of Mayor Rahm Emanuel and Chicago Public Schools CEO Barbara Byrd-Bennett

The Unconventional Gazette / March 4, 2013

PRACTICAL MATH TEST

1. Lajames is a member of the Crips and has an AK-47 with a 50-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many motherfucking Bloods can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?

2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when that motherfucker gets whacked?

11. Leroye done up and mugged some fucking white dude. His wallet contained 2 twenties, 4 tens, 7 fives and 9 ones. Leroye decides to keep half of the money and split the rest with three of his homies. How much did Leroye keep and how much did each homie get?

12. Jesus and four of his Latin Kings bros do a smash and grab at Goldberg’s Jewelry store. They get away with 27 watches and 31 rings. They each decide to keep one watch for themselves and give each of their main squeezes a ring. They sell the rest of the watches for $25 each and each of the rings for $35. How much money did they make?

A BLONDE WOMAN STANDS UP FOR ALL BLONDE WOMEN

Condemns blonde jokes as perpetuating discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general

The Unconventional Gazette / March 3, 2013

A young ventriloquist is touring the western states and, one night, he's doing a show in San Francisco. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little idiot on your lap."

SEX AFTER DEATH

The Unconventional Gazette / March 2, 2013

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.”

SECRETARY OF STATE JOHN KERRY’S SECRET TRIP TO THE VATICAN

The Obama administration calls for democratic election of Pope, women in the priesthood, and compares Conclave of Cardinals to the Ayatollahs of Iran

By Pamela Putz

The Unconventional Gazette / March 1, 2013

Our sources within the Vatican inform us that newly appointed Secretary of State John Kerry made a secret visit to the Vatican late Wednesday evening for a meeting with Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the Vatican’s Secretary of State, after which he met briefly with Pope Benedict.

Kerry was accompanied by Nicholas Cafardi, law professor and dean emeritus at the Duquesne University School of Law, who is on a short list of those President Obama is considering for ambassador to the Vatican. Cafardi is a canon and civil lawyer who was national co-chair of Catholics for Obama.

Kerry was in Italy for a scheduled meeting with Syrian opposition leaders on Thursday.

Kerry informed Cardinal Bertone that the Obama administration strongly condemns the method for selecting Popes and calls on the Vatican to hold democratic elections to choose the next Pope. “Catholics all over the world should be allowed to vote for the Pope,” Kerry told Cardinal Bertone. “The present method by which the Conclave of Cardinals selects the pope is comparable to what the Ayatollahs do in Iran. When President Obama insists on democratic governance of Iraq, Afghanistan, Egypt, Libya, Cuba and other lands, he cannot stand idly by while Catholics are governed like the Iranians under Ayatollah Khamenei and the Cubans under the Castro brothers.”

Kerry also told Cardinal Bertone that President Obama wants the Church to open the priesthood to women, approve a woman’s right to choose and recognize gay marriage. “Mr. Obama is dedicated to women’s and gay rights, and those rights should be the cornerstone of the Catholic Church,” said Kerry.

Cardinal Bertone angrily told Kerry, “Kindly inform President Obama to keep his damn nose out of the Church’s business.“

Despite his anger, the cardinal ushered Kerry and Cafardi to a meeting with Pope Benedict in his private quarters. Our sources inform us that when Kerry repeated Obama’s demands, the Pope became visibly angry and called on the Swiss Guards to escort Kerry and Cafardi forthwith out of the Vatican.

After Kerry’s unceremonious departure, Pope Benedict told Cardinal Bertone, “Now I know what they mean by an ‘imperial presidency.’ The Pope was also overheard to say, “I don’t need this shit on my last day in office.”