HORSE DUNG MAY REVERSE SOME NEUROLOGICAL DISORDERS

German Chancellor Angela Merkel announced that Herr Professor Hans Fleischer, Dean of Neurological Studies at Albert Ludwigs University, has discovered an amazing breakthrough in neurological disorders

By Adolf der Schweinehund

Krün, Germany – German Chancellor Angela Merkel, while hosting the G7 meeting at the Schloss Elmau hotel in Krün, announced Monday that a team led by Herr Professor Hans Fleischer at Albert Ludwigs University had made an amazing discovery that appears to reverse some neurological disorders.

According to Merkel, the discovery started quite by accident when an Alzheimer’s patient was on an outing from a nursing home two years ago.. The patient found a dried pile of horse dung and thinking it was tobacco, took it back to the nursing home. He obtained some cigarette paper and rolled up a dozen or so horse dung cigarettes. The nursing home workers thought it was funny and did not try to stop him from smoking the horse dung. A few days later they were amazed when his short-term memory appeared to return. Upon seeing that they contacted Professor Fleischer.

Professor Fleischer and his team of neurological scientists immediately ran a battery of tests on the Alzheimer’s patient. They decided to go to some horse pastures in Freiburg im Breisgau, Baden-Württemberg, where the university is located, to gather up all the dried horse dung they could find. The dung was rolled up into cigarettes. Permission was granted by the families of 20 Alzheimer’s patients and 10 epilepsy patients to begin a two-year study with their loved ones smoking horse dung.

Half the Alzheimer’s patients and half the epilepsy patients were given regular tobacco cigarettes to smoke. Each patient was given three cigarettes to smoke each day for approximately two years. The patients smoking regular cigarettes were observed getting worse, but those smoking horse dung showed marked improvement. The epilepsy patients had fewer seizures and the Alzheimer’s patients reverted to near-normalcy. Except for occasional bouts of diarrhea, those smoking horse dung showed no side effects.

Professor Fleischer believes fecalnabinol, the active ingredient in horse dung, is responsible for the neurological changes. He said his team of researchers will have to conduct further studies. Professor Fleischer also believes that fecalnabinol may very well reverse additional neurological disorders. His team is trying to find a way to extract the fecalnabinol from the dung so that it can be injected into patients or taken orally by tablet or capsule.

You could see that Chancellor Merkel was very proud in announcing Germany’s latest scientific discovery. She was congratulated by all the G7 participants, including President Obama.

The American president then praised Germany for its scientific and technological achievements and announced that he will order the Centers for Disease Control to gather up a ton of dried horse dung in order to carry on and further develop Herr Professor Fleischer’s work.

Vladimir Putin, who was kicked out of the G8 - hence the G7 - because of Russia’s military incursions into the Ukraine, was asked in Moscow what he thought of Merkel’s announcement. Putin replied, “Sounds like a bunch of horseshit to me.” When asked what he thought of Obama’s announcement, Putin said “More horseshit!"