Vanessa Stiviano was either an archivist or an office fixture, not Donald Sterling’s girlfriend
By Pamela Putz
TMZ reports that Vanessa Stiviano, or whatever her real name is, considered herself Donlad Sterling’s archivist, not his girlfriend, and as such she was taping all of their conversations. And her lawyer Siamak ‘Mac’ Nehoray backs her up by saying Stiviano was never Sterling’s girlfriend. Nehoray released a statement which said Stiviano was "a veritable fixture" in the old fool’s businesses.
Now let me get this straight. If she was Sterling’s archivist, she was the world’s best paid archivist. Since she got paid with a Ferrari convertible, two Bentleys, a Range Rover, a $1.8 million duplex apartment and $240,000 for living expenses, I can see a rush of college and university students changing their majors to get a degree that will qualify them as archivists.
If, on the other hand, Stiviano was a fixture in Sterling’s businesses, I can envision a fixture on his office couch or desk, on its backside with legs spread apart. Unlike with archivists, women do not need a college degree to qualify as office fixtures.
In either case, here we have another example of why the only difference between a lawyer and a liar is the spelling.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
INTERVIEWS WITH DONALD STERLING AND VANESSA STIVIANO
The billionaire NBA team owner who doesn’t like blacks says that when he’s making love to Vanessa Stiviano, he’s making love to the Mexican part of her, not to the black part
By Ima Schmuck
The Unconventional Gazette managed to obtain exclusive interviews with the two principals in the Donald Sterling racial brouhaha.
INTERVIEW WITH DONALD STERLING
SCHMUCK: Mr. Sterling, you are being painted as a racist by the media, leading sports figures, Al Sharpton and many other public figures. President Obama has said you were ignorant. How do you respond to that?
DONALD STERLING: I’m not a racist, I just don’t like blacks. They’re lazy, depend on government handouts, steal from white people, their women drop kids right and left from multiple fathers, they kill each other in their own neighborhoods and I could go on and on.
As for Obama calling me ignorant, isn’t that like the kettle calling the pot black!? I’m not ignorant, but in retrospect, I’ll admit it was ignorant of me to donate money to Obama’s election campaigns.
SCHMUCK: Aren’t you stereotyping a whole group of people when you say all that?
STERLING: Yes I am, but I’m not saying anything you don’t read in the papers and see on TV every day.
SCHMUCK: You say you don’t like blacks, but in Vanessa Stiviano, or whatever her real name is, you have a mistress who is half black.
STERLING: That’s right, but when I’m making love to her, I’m making love to the Mexican part of her, not to the black part. And when we’re seen together in public, she looks Mexican, not black.
SCHMUCK: How can you dislike blacks so much when almost all of the players on your NBA team are black?
STERLING: Listen, I pay those guys millions of dollars. If it wasn’t for their basketball skills, they’d probably still be in the hood subsisting on government handouts, gangbanging each other, using and selling dope and fathering children with dozens of women and not supporting the little bastards. Hardly any of my players actually graduated from the colleges they played for and some of them are functionally illiterate, having to depend on their agents, financial advisers and lawyers to keep from squandering the money I pay them.
SCHMUCK: You’re Jewish. Why do you stereotype black people? Isn’t that the same as when anti-Semites stereotype Jews as all being rich, owning all the banks and dominating our government, if not the world?
STERLING: Yes, but those claims are a pack of lies. And in this country most blacks, including those civil rights icons Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, are anti-Semitics. Blacks are the largest group of Jew haters in this country. They accuse us Jews of charging them exorbitant rents for rundown housing, owning stores in black neighborhoods that sell them inferior merchandize at inflated prices and for trying to destroy their race by infecting blacks with diseases. That’s why I don’t like blacks.
Blacks call us Jews slumlords. Slumlords? Shit, I got sued twice for refusing to rent to blacks because I did not want them to turn my properties into slums. … That’s all I have to say for now, madam.
In your report, please be sure to reiterate that I am not a racist! I would appreciate your informing all those people who are dumping on me that I gave $50,000 to the United Negro College Fund and $50,000 to the Black Business Association of L.A. And I’ve also made a sizable contribution to the NAACP. That is not something a racist would do.
SCHMUCK: OK, and thank you Mr. Sterling.
INTERVIEW WITH VANESSA STIVIANO (OR WHATEVER HER REAL NAME IS)
SCHMUCK: Rochelle Sterling has accused you of being a gold-digger who seduces and cajoles wealthy older men into showering you with luxurious gifts. How do you respond to that?
STIVIANO: That bitch is just pissed off because Donald preferred making love to me rather than to her.
SCHMUCK: But you’re a 38-year-old woman being kept by an 81-year old man who has given you a Ferrari convertible, two Benfleys, a Range Rover, a $1.8 million duplex apartment and $240,000 for living expenses. That does seem like you’ve cajoled an old man into showering you with luxurious gifts.
STIVIANO: Look, I can’t help it if Donald likes my looks and my body. So, he’s given me a few gifts. I’ve given myself to him. Why half the time he can’t even get it up. I can’t help it if older men desire me. Why shouldn’t I get a few gifts for giving them what they want? I have not cajoled any of them to give me any gifts.
SCHMUCK: Doesn’t it bother you to be exposed as a rich man’s mistress? What makes you different from a prostitute?
STIVIANO: It doesn’t bother me all. I’m living well. Donald lets me fuck whomever I want, including those blacks he doesn’t like. I think a lot of working women are just jealous of me because they’re struggling to survive while I’m living the good life. And I’m not a prostitute. Unlike a whore, as a mistress to rich old guys, I never demanded anything for my services and I never negotiated any price for my services.
SCHMUCK: Mr. Sterling doesn’t like blacks. You’re half black. He says that when he’s making love to you, he’s making love to the Mexican part of you, not to the black part. How do you feel about that?
STIVIANO: I don’t blame Donald for making love to the Mexican part of me. After all, Mexican women are hot lovers and the Mexican part of me is hot stuff! Listen honey, we’ve got to cut his off because I need to go out and find myself another old sugar daddy.
SCHMUCK: Thank you for being so candid with us and good luck on finding a new sugar daddy.
STIVIANO: You’re welcome honey, and don’t you worry, I won’t have any trouble finding another rich old guy to take good care of me. When I wear my short miniskirts and show a lot of cleavage, those old geezers line up to slobber all over me and forget they’ve got a wife at home.
By Ima Schmuck
The Unconventional Gazette managed to obtain exclusive interviews with the two principals in the Donald Sterling racial brouhaha.
INTERVIEW WITH DONALD STERLING
SCHMUCK: Mr. Sterling, you are being painted as a racist by the media, leading sports figures, Al Sharpton and many other public figures. President Obama has said you were ignorant. How do you respond to that?
DONALD STERLING: I’m not a racist, I just don’t like blacks. They’re lazy, depend on government handouts, steal from white people, their women drop kids right and left from multiple fathers, they kill each other in their own neighborhoods and I could go on and on.
As for Obama calling me ignorant, isn’t that like the kettle calling the pot black!? I’m not ignorant, but in retrospect, I’ll admit it was ignorant of me to donate money to Obama’s election campaigns.
SCHMUCK: Aren’t you stereotyping a whole group of people when you say all that?
STERLING: Yes I am, but I’m not saying anything you don’t read in the papers and see on TV every day.
SCHMUCK: You say you don’t like blacks, but in Vanessa Stiviano, or whatever her real name is, you have a mistress who is half black.
STERLING: That’s right, but when I’m making love to her, I’m making love to the Mexican part of her, not to the black part. And when we’re seen together in public, she looks Mexican, not black.
SCHMUCK: How can you dislike blacks so much when almost all of the players on your NBA team are black?
STERLING: Listen, I pay those guys millions of dollars. If it wasn’t for their basketball skills, they’d probably still be in the hood subsisting on government handouts, gangbanging each other, using and selling dope and fathering children with dozens of women and not supporting the little bastards. Hardly any of my players actually graduated from the colleges they played for and some of them are functionally illiterate, having to depend on their agents, financial advisers and lawyers to keep from squandering the money I pay them.
SCHMUCK: You’re Jewish. Why do you stereotype black people? Isn’t that the same as when anti-Semites stereotype Jews as all being rich, owning all the banks and dominating our government, if not the world?
STERLING: Yes, but those claims are a pack of lies. And in this country most blacks, including those civil rights icons Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, are anti-Semitics. Blacks are the largest group of Jew haters in this country. They accuse us Jews of charging them exorbitant rents for rundown housing, owning stores in black neighborhoods that sell them inferior merchandize at inflated prices and for trying to destroy their race by infecting blacks with diseases. That’s why I don’t like blacks.
Blacks call us Jews slumlords. Slumlords? Shit, I got sued twice for refusing to rent to blacks because I did not want them to turn my properties into slums. … That’s all I have to say for now, madam.
In your report, please be sure to reiterate that I am not a racist! I would appreciate your informing all those people who are dumping on me that I gave $50,000 to the United Negro College Fund and $50,000 to the Black Business Association of L.A. And I’ve also made a sizable contribution to the NAACP. That is not something a racist would do.
SCHMUCK: OK, and thank you Mr. Sterling.
INTERVIEW WITH VANESSA STIVIANO (OR WHATEVER HER REAL NAME IS)
SCHMUCK: Rochelle Sterling has accused you of being a gold-digger who seduces and cajoles wealthy older men into showering you with luxurious gifts. How do you respond to that?
STIVIANO: That bitch is just pissed off because Donald preferred making love to me rather than to her.
SCHMUCK: But you’re a 38-year-old woman being kept by an 81-year old man who has given you a Ferrari convertible, two Benfleys, a Range Rover, a $1.8 million duplex apartment and $240,000 for living expenses. That does seem like you’ve cajoled an old man into showering you with luxurious gifts.
STIVIANO: Look, I can’t help it if Donald likes my looks and my body. So, he’s given me a few gifts. I’ve given myself to him. Why half the time he can’t even get it up. I can’t help it if older men desire me. Why shouldn’t I get a few gifts for giving them what they want? I have not cajoled any of them to give me any gifts.
SCHMUCK: Doesn’t it bother you to be exposed as a rich man’s mistress? What makes you different from a prostitute?
STIVIANO: It doesn’t bother me all. I’m living well. Donald lets me fuck whomever I want, including those blacks he doesn’t like. I think a lot of working women are just jealous of me because they’re struggling to survive while I’m living the good life. And I’m not a prostitute. Unlike a whore, as a mistress to rich old guys, I never demanded anything for my services and I never negotiated any price for my services.
SCHMUCK: Mr. Sterling doesn’t like blacks. You’re half black. He says that when he’s making love to you, he’s making love to the Mexican part of you, not to the black part. How do you feel about that?
STIVIANO: I don’t blame Donald for making love to the Mexican part of me. After all, Mexican women are hot lovers and the Mexican part of me is hot stuff! Listen honey, we’ve got to cut his off because I need to go out and find myself another old sugar daddy.
SCHMUCK: Thank you for being so candid with us and good luck on finding a new sugar daddy.
STIVIANO: You’re welcome honey, and don’t you worry, I won’t have any trouble finding another rich old guy to take good care of me. When I wear my short miniskirts and show a lot of cleavage, those old geezers line up to slobber all over me and forget they’ve got a wife at home.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
AN APPROPRIATE SONG FOR GEORGE CLOONEY
Following his tiff with Steve Wynn two weeks ago, this song fits Clooney like a glove
BarkGrowlBite | April 26, 2014
After reading LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE: George Clooney vs. Steve Wynn in a title elimination bout for the World Asshole championship, a good friend wrote: “Jimmy Buffett wrote a song about people like George Clooney.” Actually ‘The I-95 Asshole Song’ was written and recorded in 1983 by Fred Campbell. Later on, Buffett also recorded it. Here are the lyrics to that song:
THE I-95 ASSHOLE SONG
By Fred Campbell
Well I was drivin' down I-95 the other night
Somebody nearly cut me right off the road
I decided it wasn't gonna do any good to get mad
So I wrote a song about him instead
It goes like this...
Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'Cause you're an asshole tonight
Yes you're an A-S-S-H-O-L-E
And don't you try to blame it on me
You deserve all the credit
You're an asshole tonight
You were an asshole yesterday
You're an asshole tonight
And I've got a feelin'
You'll be an asshole the rest of your life
(Instrumental Break)
And I was talkin' to your mother
Just the other night
I told her I thought you were an asshole
She said, "Yes, I think you're right"
And all your friends are assholes
'Cause you've known them your whole life
And somebody told me
You've got an asshole for a wife
Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'Cause you're an aaaass...hole tonight
While we’re at it, here is the music-video of “I’m an Asshole” written by Chris Phillips and Denis Leary and recorded by Leary:
And here are the lyrics:
I’M AN ASSHOLE
By Chris Phillips and Denis Leary
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me, about you, the way our American hearts beat
Down in the bottom of our chests, about the special feeling
We get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles
Maybe in the sub-cockle area, maybe in the liver
Maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don't know
I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested
(Oh no)
No way
(Uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
(Oh yeah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying
"How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's a real fucking asshole)
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
Nah!
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac, El Dorado convertible
Hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 mph
Getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder
Cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old fashioned
Non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam container right out the side
And there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it
You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why
Two words, nuclear fucking weapons, okay?
Russia, Germany, Romania
They can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cake walk
Right through the middle of Tienanmen square
And it won't make a lick of difference
Because we've got the bombs, okay? John Wayne's not dead
He's frozen and as soon as we find the cure for cancer
We're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well multiple that by 15 million times
That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be
I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes
(Hey)
And Lee Marvin
(Hey)
And Sam Peckinpah
(Hey)
And a case of whiskey and drive down to Texas
(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)
A S S H O L E, everybody
A S S H O L E
Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum
Ooh, ooh
I'm an asshole and proud of it
BarkGrowlBite | April 26, 2014
After reading LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE: George Clooney vs. Steve Wynn in a title elimination bout for the World Asshole championship, a good friend wrote: “Jimmy Buffett wrote a song about people like George Clooney.” Actually ‘The I-95 Asshole Song’ was written and recorded in 1983 by Fred Campbell. Later on, Buffett also recorded it. Here are the lyrics to that song:
THE I-95 ASSHOLE SONG
By Fred Campbell
Well I was drivin' down I-95 the other night
Somebody nearly cut me right off the road
I decided it wasn't gonna do any good to get mad
So I wrote a song about him instead
It goes like this...
Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'Cause you're an asshole tonight
Yes you're an A-S-S-H-O-L-E
And don't you try to blame it on me
You deserve all the credit
You're an asshole tonight
You were an asshole yesterday
You're an asshole tonight
And I've got a feelin'
You'll be an asshole the rest of your life
(Instrumental Break)
And I was talkin' to your mother
Just the other night
I told her I thought you were an asshole
She said, "Yes, I think you're right"
And all your friends are assholes
'Cause you've known them your whole life
And somebody told me
You've got an asshole for a wife
Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'Cause you're an aaaass...hole tonight
While we’re at it, here is the music-video of “I’m an Asshole” written by Chris Phillips and Denis Leary and recorded by Leary:
And here are the lyrics:
I’M AN ASSHOLE
By Chris Phillips and Denis Leary
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me, about you, the way our American hearts beat
Down in the bottom of our chests, about the special feeling
We get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles
Maybe in the sub-cockle area, maybe in the liver
Maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don't know
I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested
(Oh no)
No way
(Uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
(Oh yeah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying
"How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's a real fucking asshole)
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
Nah!
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac, El Dorado convertible
Hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 mph
Getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder
Cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old fashioned
Non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam container right out the side
And there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it
You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why
Two words, nuclear fucking weapons, okay?
Russia, Germany, Romania
They can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cake walk
Right through the middle of Tienanmen square
And it won't make a lick of difference
Because we've got the bombs, okay? John Wayne's not dead
He's frozen and as soon as we find the cure for cancer
We're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well multiple that by 15 million times
That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be
I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes
(Hey)
And Lee Marvin
(Hey)
And Sam Peckinpah
(Hey)
And a case of whiskey and drive down to Texas
(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)
A S S H O L E, everybody
A S S H O L E
Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum
Ooh, ooh
I'm an asshole and proud of it
COP TO VICTIM: WHAT CALIBER POTATO DID THE ROBBER DISPLAY?
Rhode Island man attempts two stickups with a potato
BarkGrowlBite | April 26, 2014
This schmoe is in serious need of some immediate and prolonged downtime at Babbling Brook Farm.
POTATO-WIELDING MAN TRIED TO ROB STORE, DRY-CLEANERS
Talk about a half-baked crime
By Dan McGowan
WPRI 12
April 22, 2014
PROVIDENCE, R.I. -- Providence police say a man carrying a potato disguised as a gun unsuccessfully attempted to rob a convenience store and a dry-cleaners in the city’s Charles neighborhood Monday afternoon.
The first report came around 2 p.m. when police reported to Branch Avenue convenience store where the store’s manager said he chased the suspect off with a baseball bat after he shouted “give me the money” to the cashier, according to a police report obtained by WPRI.com.
The suspect was described as a white or light-skinned Hispanic male and was about 5’7” tall. He was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and blue jeans.
Minutes later, police reported to a Charles Street dry-cleaners where a female clerk said a man fitting the same description and carrying a potato yelled “I need the money.”
The clerk handed him a counterfeit $20 bill from a decoy cash register before he walked off.
She described the suspect as being in his twenties with white lips. She said he was of average height and a thin build.
Both locations had surveillance systems, but no arrests have been made.
BarkGrowlBite | April 26, 2014
This schmoe is in serious need of some immediate and prolonged downtime at Babbling Brook Farm.
POTATO-WIELDING MAN TRIED TO ROB STORE, DRY-CLEANERS
Talk about a half-baked crime
By Dan McGowan
WPRI 12
April 22, 2014
PROVIDENCE, R.I. -- Providence police say a man carrying a potato disguised as a gun unsuccessfully attempted to rob a convenience store and a dry-cleaners in the city’s Charles neighborhood Monday afternoon.
The first report came around 2 p.m. when police reported to Branch Avenue convenience store where the store’s manager said he chased the suspect off with a baseball bat after he shouted “give me the money” to the cashier, according to a police report obtained by WPRI.com.
The suspect was described as a white or light-skinned Hispanic male and was about 5’7” tall. He was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and blue jeans.
Minutes later, police reported to a Charles Street dry-cleaners where a female clerk said a man fitting the same description and carrying a potato yelled “I need the money.”
The clerk handed him a counterfeit $20 bill from a decoy cash register before he walked off.
She described the suspect as being in his twenties with white lips. She said he was of average height and a thin build.
Both locations had surveillance systems, but no arrests have been made.
Friday, April 25, 2014
LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE
George Clooney vs. Steve Wynn in a title elimination bout for the World Asshole championship
Here is HBO’s rebroadcast of the Clooney-Wynn bout held two weeks ago at the Encore Hotel in Las Vegas:
JIM LAMPLEY: We’re just about set for this important title elimination bout for the World Asshole championship currently held by President Obama. Let’s turn the microphone over to ring announcer Michael Buffer.
BUFFER: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to ringside at the Encore’s Botero restaurant here in fabulous Las Vegas. Tonight’s fight will determine who faces World Asshole Champion Barack Obama. Now let’s get ready to rumble.
In the right corner, wearing red trunks, we have hotel-casino magnate Steve Wynn coming in at 72 years. In the left corner, wearing pink trunks, we have two-time Oscar winner George Cooney coming in at 52 years. Here is the referee with his instructions.
REFEREE: Alright guys, let’s have a good clean fight. No low blows. Points will be taken away from you for using the ‘F’ word. Now let’s have at it!
CLOONEY: The president’s Affordable Care Act is the greatest innovation since sliced bread.
WYNN: Obamacare is an unmitigated disaster.
CLOONEY: You don’t like the Affordable Care Act because you don’t like my longtime friend, President Obama.
WYNN: Your friend is an asshole!
CLOONEY: You’re an asshole! I don’t have to listen to this fucking stuff.
REFEREE: Clooney, I’m penalizing you a point for using the ‘F’ word.
CLOONEY: I’m outta here! (Leaves in a huff.)
BUFFER: Ladies and gentlemen, here is the decision of the judges. This bout is declared a no contest.
LAMPLEY: Max Kellerman is in the ring. Let’s see if he can get a few words from Steve Wynn.
KELLERMAN: Steve over here … Steve, Are you disappointed in what just happened?
WYNN: No, not really. I think my discussion about the Affordable Care Act was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When he’s drinking, he considers himself a close personal buddy of the president. Everybody who’s in the casino business knows to take actors with a grain of salt.
KELLERMAN: Thanks Steve … Jim, this wasn’t much of a fight. I don’t think President Obama has to worry about losing his World Asshole championship to either of these two contenders.
LAMPLEY: I think you’re right Max. Well, that just about wraps it up. For HBO and Max Kellerman, I’m Jim Lampley. Good night from Las Vegas.
Here is HBO’s rebroadcast of the Clooney-Wynn bout held two weeks ago at the Encore Hotel in Las Vegas:
JIM LAMPLEY: We’re just about set for this important title elimination bout for the World Asshole championship currently held by President Obama. Let’s turn the microphone over to ring announcer Michael Buffer.
BUFFER: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to ringside at the Encore’s Botero restaurant here in fabulous Las Vegas. Tonight’s fight will determine who faces World Asshole Champion Barack Obama. Now let’s get ready to rumble.
In the right corner, wearing red trunks, we have hotel-casino magnate Steve Wynn coming in at 72 years. In the left corner, wearing pink trunks, we have two-time Oscar winner George Cooney coming in at 52 years. Here is the referee with his instructions.
REFEREE: Alright guys, let’s have a good clean fight. No low blows. Points will be taken away from you for using the ‘F’ word. Now let’s have at it!
CLOONEY: The president’s Affordable Care Act is the greatest innovation since sliced bread.
WYNN: Obamacare is an unmitigated disaster.
CLOONEY: You don’t like the Affordable Care Act because you don’t like my longtime friend, President Obama.
WYNN: Your friend is an asshole!
CLOONEY: You’re an asshole! I don’t have to listen to this fucking stuff.
REFEREE: Clooney, I’m penalizing you a point for using the ‘F’ word.
CLOONEY: I’m outta here! (Leaves in a huff.)
BUFFER: Ladies and gentlemen, here is the decision of the judges. This bout is declared a no contest.
LAMPLEY: Max Kellerman is in the ring. Let’s see if he can get a few words from Steve Wynn.
KELLERMAN: Steve over here … Steve, Are you disappointed in what just happened?
WYNN: No, not really. I think my discussion about the Affordable Care Act was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When he’s drinking, he considers himself a close personal buddy of the president. Everybody who’s in the casino business knows to take actors with a grain of salt.
KELLERMAN: Thanks Steve … Jim, this wasn’t much of a fight. I don’t think President Obama has to worry about losing his World Asshole championship to either of these two contenders.
LAMPLEY: I think you’re right Max. Well, that just about wraps it up. For HBO and Max Kellerman, I’m Jim Lampley. Good night from Las Vegas.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
HISTORIC PARTNERSHIP BETWEEN TEXAS DEPARTMENT OF CRIMINAL JUSTICE AND MOTEL 6
During the months of July, August and September, 36 Motel 6 units across the state will house prison inmates susceptible to heat related illnesses
By Adolf der Schweinehund
In a joint news conference held Wednesday at the Texas Department of Criminal Justice (TDCJ) headquarters in Huntsville, Motel 6 CEO Jim Amorosia, TDCJ Executive Director Brad Livingston and State Senator John Whitmire announced a historic agreement to house those prison inmates most susceptible to heat related illnesses in 36 Motel 6 units during the months of July, August and September. The motels will be spread across Texas and be near many of the state’s prison units.
Sen. Whitmire, longtime chairman of the Texas Senate Criminal Justice Committee, said that after reading the 40 page report by the University of Texas Law School’s Human Rights Clinic, he felt something had to be done to head off lawsuits charging the state with operating prisons that are so hot in the summer as to violate the Eighth Amendment protection against cruel and unusual punishment and with violating international human rights standards.
“We do not have the funds to air condition our prions and in many of our units we will not be able to limit cell temperatures to 85 degrees,” said Whitmire. “So I got my good friends Brad and Jim together and they found a way to address the concerns of human rights groups. Non-violent offenders who are susceptible to heat related illnesses because of age or health problems will be housed in air conditioned Motel 6 units.”
Jim Amorosia said that he and Livingston picked out 36 Motel 6 locations that are situated near major prison centers across the state. “Even though the state will pay us less than what we would bring in from our motel guests,” said the Motel 6 CEO, “I felt it was my civic duty to make our motels available to TDCJ during the hottest summer months. Since only non-violent inmates who are elderly or in poor health will be housed, we do not anticipate making any renovations to our units.”
Director Livingston said that temporary security fences and floodlights would be erected around the grounds of the motels. “We have picked 36 locations around the state that are near our major prison centers,” said Livingston. “The motels will be staffed by correctional officers. Telephones will be removed from all rooms. Inmates will be required to do their own housekeeping. TDCJ will set up kitchens at nearby facilities and meals will be trucked over to the motels. All visitors will be thoroughly searched for contraband and any cellphones in their possession will be confiscated. And all visits will be carefully monitored.”
This reporter asked Livingston how they would handle any disciplinary problems and possible escapes. “That’s easy Mr. Schweinehund,” replied Livingston. “Any inmate who violates the rules we will establish, will be shipped forthwith back to a regular prison unit. And considering the comfortable living accommodations at the motels and the security measures we will have in place, we do not anticipate that escapes will be much of a problem.”
“By the end of May we will be announcing the selected locations,” said Amorosia. “I want to apologize to any of our guests who may be inconvenienced at those locations during the months of July, August and September. I am sorry, but we will not leave the light on for you during that time. But let me assure you that the light will be back on at all other times and you will find our accommodations to be as good if not better than before.”
Sen. Whitmire said, “On behalf of Governor Perry and this great state of Texas, I want to thank Jim Amorosia, the Motel 6 Board of Directors and all of the motel officials involved in carrying out this historic agreement. The Lone Star State has been a trend setter in criminal justice reforms and this historic partnership with Motel 6 is just one more example of those trend setting reforms.”
The Unconventional Gazette contacted Ariel Dulitzky, director of the Human Rights Clinic at the UT Law School and asked him to comment on the partnership between TDCJ and Motel 6. “We are not impressed,” said Dulitzky. “The overwhelming majority of Texas prison inmates will still be broiling in heat conditions that are dangerous, unconstitutional and violate international human rights accords. This agreement is nothing more than a band aid on a festering wound. If this is the state’s answer to our report, we will take legal steps to stop Texas from violating the human rights of its prison inmates.”
By Adolf der Schweinehund
In a joint news conference held Wednesday at the Texas Department of Criminal Justice (TDCJ) headquarters in Huntsville, Motel 6 CEO Jim Amorosia, TDCJ Executive Director Brad Livingston and State Senator John Whitmire announced a historic agreement to house those prison inmates most susceptible to heat related illnesses in 36 Motel 6 units during the months of July, August and September. The motels will be spread across Texas and be near many of the state’s prison units.
Sen. Whitmire, longtime chairman of the Texas Senate Criminal Justice Committee, said that after reading the 40 page report by the University of Texas Law School’s Human Rights Clinic, he felt something had to be done to head off lawsuits charging the state with operating prisons that are so hot in the summer as to violate the Eighth Amendment protection against cruel and unusual punishment and with violating international human rights standards.
“We do not have the funds to air condition our prions and in many of our units we will not be able to limit cell temperatures to 85 degrees,” said Whitmire. “So I got my good friends Brad and Jim together and they found a way to address the concerns of human rights groups. Non-violent offenders who are susceptible to heat related illnesses because of age or health problems will be housed in air conditioned Motel 6 units.”
Jim Amorosia said that he and Livingston picked out 36 Motel 6 locations that are situated near major prison centers across the state. “Even though the state will pay us less than what we would bring in from our motel guests,” said the Motel 6 CEO, “I felt it was my civic duty to make our motels available to TDCJ during the hottest summer months. Since only non-violent inmates who are elderly or in poor health will be housed, we do not anticipate making any renovations to our units.”
Director Livingston said that temporary security fences and floodlights would be erected around the grounds of the motels. “We have picked 36 locations around the state that are near our major prison centers,” said Livingston. “The motels will be staffed by correctional officers. Telephones will be removed from all rooms. Inmates will be required to do their own housekeeping. TDCJ will set up kitchens at nearby facilities and meals will be trucked over to the motels. All visitors will be thoroughly searched for contraband and any cellphones in their possession will be confiscated. And all visits will be carefully monitored.”
This reporter asked Livingston how they would handle any disciplinary problems and possible escapes. “That’s easy Mr. Schweinehund,” replied Livingston. “Any inmate who violates the rules we will establish, will be shipped forthwith back to a regular prison unit. And considering the comfortable living accommodations at the motels and the security measures we will have in place, we do not anticipate that escapes will be much of a problem.”
“By the end of May we will be announcing the selected locations,” said Amorosia. “I want to apologize to any of our guests who may be inconvenienced at those locations during the months of July, August and September. I am sorry, but we will not leave the light on for you during that time. But let me assure you that the light will be back on at all other times and you will find our accommodations to be as good if not better than before.”
Sen. Whitmire said, “On behalf of Governor Perry and this great state of Texas, I want to thank Jim Amorosia, the Motel 6 Board of Directors and all of the motel officials involved in carrying out this historic agreement. The Lone Star State has been a trend setter in criminal justice reforms and this historic partnership with Motel 6 is just one more example of those trend setting reforms.”
The Unconventional Gazette contacted Ariel Dulitzky, director of the Human Rights Clinic at the UT Law School and asked him to comment on the partnership between TDCJ and Motel 6. “We are not impressed,” said Dulitzky. “The overwhelming majority of Texas prison inmates will still be broiling in heat conditions that are dangerous, unconstitutional and violate international human rights accords. This agreement is nothing more than a band aid on a festering wound. If this is the state’s answer to our report, we will take legal steps to stop Texas from violating the human rights of its prison inmates.”
PERSONAL CONCEALED CARRY HOLSTER
The ladies Vag-Stash gun holster is not recommended for a fast draw
BarkGrowlBite | April 24, 2014
On Monday, Kingsport, Tennessee police arrested Dallas Archer, 19, for driving with a suspended license. As Archer was being booked into jail, a female officer searching the young lady became aware of an “unknown object” in her crotch.
A more intrusive search in the Kingsport police station’s bathroom revealed that Miss Archer had concealed a loaded five-shot North American Arms .22 Long Rifle Mini-Revolver inside her vagina. The vag-stashed gun was four inches long.
For carrying a loaded gun in her personal concealed carry holster, Archer was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility. She was released from jail on $6,000 bail.
The gun happened to have been stolen last year from John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman. Souther would like to get “the little fellow” back, but only after it gets “a bath in bleach.”
WARNING: Not only do we not recommend the ladies Vag-Stash gun holster for a fast draw, but we must warn that a premature discharge of the gun while withdrawing it from the holster could result in irreparable damage to the genitals.
BarkGrowlBite | April 24, 2014
On Monday, Kingsport, Tennessee police arrested Dallas Archer, 19, for driving with a suspended license. As Archer was being booked into jail, a female officer searching the young lady became aware of an “unknown object” in her crotch.
A more intrusive search in the Kingsport police station’s bathroom revealed that Miss Archer had concealed a loaded five-shot North American Arms .22 Long Rifle Mini-Revolver inside her vagina. The vag-stashed gun was four inches long.
For carrying a loaded gun in her personal concealed carry holster, Archer was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility. She was released from jail on $6,000 bail.
The gun happened to have been stolen last year from John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman. Souther would like to get “the little fellow” back, but only after it gets “a bath in bleach.”
WARNING: Not only do we not recommend the ladies Vag-Stash gun holster for a fast draw, but we must warn that a premature discharge of the gun while withdrawing it from the holster could result in irreparable damage to the genitals.
Monday, April 21, 2014
WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE
During a fund raising trip to his hometown of Chicago, Barack and Michelle are at a White Sox baseball game sitting in the first row next to Mayor Rahm Emanuel and his wife Amy. The Secret Service is seated directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the president.
Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head no.
The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor and the fans will love it.”
So, Barack shrugs and says, “Well, if it will help my poll numbers. God knows, I can use some help with my numbers.”
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the railing into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming and swearing.
The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says “You were right. I would have never believed that.”
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.
The agent replies, “Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first pitch."
One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the president.
Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head no.
The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor and the fans will love it.”
So, Barack shrugs and says, “Well, if it will help my poll numbers. God knows, I can use some help with my numbers.”
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the railing into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming and swearing.
The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says “You were right. I would have never believed that.”
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.
The agent replies, “Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first pitch."
Saturday, April 19, 2014
ESCAPED CONVICT BREAKS INTO HOUSE, FINDS YOUNG COUPLE IN BED, WANTS SEX
A convict escapes from prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this Guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom, second drawer on the right. Be strong, I love you, too!'
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this Guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom, second drawer on the right. Be strong, I love you, too!'
COMPASSIONATE LAWYER
COMPASSIONATE LAWYER
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and four children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well, " the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and four children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well, " the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Friday, April 18, 2014
SOME COPS DO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR
These are actual comments made by police officers. They were taken around the country off police car dashboard video recorders:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
COP TICKETS A SWEET LITTLE GIRL
One afternoon in early January, a Houston mounted police officer was on his horse waiting for a green light to cross the street when a little five-year-old girl on her shiny new bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $35 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a red reflector on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said: 'Next year tell Santa the prick goes underneath the horse, not on top!'
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $35 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a red reflector on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said: 'Next year tell Santa the prick goes underneath the horse, not on top!'
Monday, April 14, 2014
THE LOWDOWN ON DIAPERS FOR BABIES AND OLD PEOPLE
By Ima Schmuck
Rest Your Mind, I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while diapers for old people are called "Depends".
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'm, Hug'm and Pamper'm.
When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!
Rest Your Mind, I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while diapers for old people are called "Depends".
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'm, Hug'm and Pamper'm.
When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!
NO HAIRCUT BECAUSE EVEN JESUS HAD LONG HAIR
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut - then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
Dad replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
Dad replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Saturday, April 12, 2014
EGYPTIAN COLUMNIST MUST HAVE SMOKED SOME POTENT HASHISH BEFORE DEMANDING THAT ISRAEL PAY RESTITUTION FOR THE BIBLICAL 10 PLAGUES
BarkGrowlBite | April 12, 2014
Egyptian columnist Ahmad Al-Gamal must have smoked a shitload of hash before making his absurd demand for Israel to compensate Egypt for the biblical 10 plagues.
EGYPT DEMANDS COMPENSATION FOR 10 PLAGUES
Israel Today | April 11, 2014
“We demand that the State of Israel pay compensation for the ten plagues that our forefathers in Egypt suffered thousands of years ago as a result of the curses of the Jewish forefathers.” So wrote prominent Egyptian columnist Ahmad Al-Gamal shortly before the Jewish Passover, causing a great stir.
“What is written in the Torah is that Pharaoh discriminated against the children of Israel. What have we to do with it? We therefore need not suffer!” exclaimed Al-Gamal, drawing a clear difference between the Egyptian kingdom of the Pharaohs and Islamic Egypt of today. Islam accepts the biblical narrative as historical evidence.
The columnist suggested that the government in Cairo press charges against Israel: “The Jews caused the land to be stricken with locusts and all agriculture destroyed, turned the Nile red with blood so that one could drink its waters, sent darkness, frogs and killed the firstborn.”
Al-Gamal continued: “During 40 years of wandering in the desert, the Children of Israel enjoyed our goods, which they stole before abandoning us.” He also recommended that Egypt bring charges against France, Great Britain and Turkey for those nations’ historical conquests of Egypt.
The Egyptian column was picked up by the Israeli press, especially religious news outlets, which readily acknowledged all that Al-Gamal wrote as historical fact. Some Israeli columnists retorted that Egypt need first compensate Israel for keeping the Jewish forefathers as slaves and for killing all male Jewish babies in the generation prior to the Exodus.
Egyptian columnist Ahmad Al-Gamal must have smoked a shitload of hash before making his absurd demand for Israel to compensate Egypt for the biblical 10 plagues.
EGYPT DEMANDS COMPENSATION FOR 10 PLAGUES
Israel Today | April 11, 2014
“We demand that the State of Israel pay compensation for the ten plagues that our forefathers in Egypt suffered thousands of years ago as a result of the curses of the Jewish forefathers.” So wrote prominent Egyptian columnist Ahmad Al-Gamal shortly before the Jewish Passover, causing a great stir.
“What is written in the Torah is that Pharaoh discriminated against the children of Israel. What have we to do with it? We therefore need not suffer!” exclaimed Al-Gamal, drawing a clear difference between the Egyptian kingdom of the Pharaohs and Islamic Egypt of today. Islam accepts the biblical narrative as historical evidence.
The columnist suggested that the government in Cairo press charges against Israel: “The Jews caused the land to be stricken with locusts and all agriculture destroyed, turned the Nile red with blood so that one could drink its waters, sent darkness, frogs and killed the firstborn.”
Al-Gamal continued: “During 40 years of wandering in the desert, the Children of Israel enjoyed our goods, which they stole before abandoning us.” He also recommended that Egypt bring charges against France, Great Britain and Turkey for those nations’ historical conquests of Egypt.
The Egyptian column was picked up by the Israeli press, especially religious news outlets, which readily acknowledged all that Al-Gamal wrote as historical fact. Some Israeli columnists retorted that Egypt need first compensate Israel for keeping the Jewish forefathers as slaves and for killing all male Jewish babies in the generation prior to the Exodus.
Friday, April 11, 2014
AND THE GIRL SLEPT THROUGH IT ALL
Fusillade of gunshots that wasted obstinate intruder failed to wake up sleeping beauty
by Bob Walsh | PACOVILLA Corrections blog | April 11, 2014
An interesting shooting went down four days ago in Winter Haven, Florida. It seems that Mitchell Large, 40, who has an extensive criminal history, attempted to break into the Pena house early Monday morning. He wasn’t real quiet about it and three of the residents, Luis F. Pena, his wife Bacenbina, and their son Luis, all went to see what was going on. They were all armed.
The family observed Large attempting to force entry through a patio door. They attempted to warn Large off and son Luis even fired a warning shot into the frame above the door. (Stupid, but understandable.) Large kept coming and all three of the residents opened fire. Large was very dead when the cops arrived. Too bad, so sad.
The daughter, Lilianna, slept through the whole ruckus.
by Bob Walsh | PACOVILLA Corrections blog | April 11, 2014
An interesting shooting went down four days ago in Winter Haven, Florida. It seems that Mitchell Large, 40, who has an extensive criminal history, attempted to break into the Pena house early Monday morning. He wasn’t real quiet about it and three of the residents, Luis F. Pena, his wife Bacenbina, and their son Luis, all went to see what was going on. They were all armed.
The family observed Large attempting to force entry through a patio door. They attempted to warn Large off and son Luis even fired a warning shot into the frame above the door. (Stupid, but understandable.) Large kept coming and all three of the residents opened fire. Large was very dead when the cops arrived. Too bad, so sad.
The daughter, Lilianna, slept through the whole ruckus.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
REVEREND FAT RAT FLIPPED BY FBI AFTER ATTEMPT TO BUY KILOS OF COCAINE
Al ‘Fat Rat’ Sharpton most likely turned mob snitch to avoid indictment on cocaine trafficking charges
BarkGrowlBite | April 10, 2014
Al Sharpton’s stint as an FBI informant in the mid-1980s shows what a four-flushing phony the charlatan is. He apparently turned snitch after being caught on camera trying to buy kilos of cocaine from an undercover FBI agent. And if, as former NYPD detective Bo Dietl claims, everyone knew that 'Fat Rat' – what the cops called Sharpton - was an FBI snitch, then the mob had to know it too, in which case the information he was able to furnish the bureau would seem to have been dubious at best.
BarkGrowlBite | April 10, 2014
Al Sharpton’s stint as an FBI informant in the mid-1980s shows what a four-flushing phony the charlatan is. He apparently turned snitch after being caught on camera trying to buy kilos of cocaine from an undercover FBI agent. And if, as former NYPD detective Bo Dietl claims, everyone knew that 'Fat Rat' – what the cops called Sharpton - was an FBI snitch, then the mob had to know it too, in which case the information he was able to furnish the bureau would seem to have been dubious at best.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
FORGET GUN CONTROL, WE NEED KNIFE CONTROL!
19 Pennsylvania high school students stabbed or slashed by student running amok with two knives
By Adolf der Schweinehund
On Wednesday morning, a student ran amok carrying two knives at Franklin Regional High School in Muryssville, Pennsylvania, stabbing and slashing 19 other students in the school’s classrooms and hallways before being subdued by school personnel. Several of the students were critically injured.
Responding to Wednesday morning’s Pennsylvania knife attack, NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo warned the same thing could happen in the state of New York . “There are currently few knife controls in effect,” said the governor, “So it’s time for gun control advocates to turn their attention to knives. Attorney General Eric Schneiderman and I will be getting together next week to work on a plan that will restrict knife ownership and help keep the citizens of this great state from getting stabbed.”
President Obama released the following statement: "I am deeply saddened by the tragic events at Franklin Regional High School. My heart goes out to the students who were wounded and to their families. Michelle and I are praying for their speedy and complete recovery. I have just instructed Attorney General Eric Holder to take whatever steps are necessary to keep knives out of the hands of minors, the mentally ill, persons convicted of domestic violence and ex-convicts.”
Rachel Goldberg, president of Teachers United Against Brutality (TUAB), held a news conference in Berkeley, California during which she reminded reporters that there are stabbings nationwide every day. “People with mental problems should not be permitted to buy or own knives,” she said, “and no one under 18 should be permitted to buy or own a knife either.”
San Francisco Police Chief Chief Greg Suhr told KRON-TV 4, “We could easily have a stabbing here like the one in Pennsylvania. There needs to be a concealed carry licensing system for knives the same as for guns. And we must be as restrictive in issuing those licenses as we are with guns.”
Knife enthusiasts were quick to attack the calls for knife controls.
In a news release, Rod Bremer, president of the American Knife & Tool Institute (AKTI) warned that any restrictions against knife ownership would violate our Second Amendment rights. “The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution protects the rights of citizens to keep and bear arms,” said Bremer. “And nowhere in that document does it say that arms apply only to firearms.”
Former defense secretary and CIA director Robert Gates, who will become president of the Boy Scouts of America next month, released the following statement from Williamsburg, Virginia: “I am opposed to any haphazard knife controls. Prohibit knife ownership by minors? Have they lost their minds? As president-elect of the Boy Scouts, I must remind all Americans that the Boy Scout Knife has been an integral part of the scout uniform since the founding of this great youth organization in 1910.”
Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson, holding up his brand new Kershaw Knife, told The Unconventional Gazette, “I’ll give you my knife when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!”
By Adolf der Schweinehund
On Wednesday morning, a student ran amok carrying two knives at Franklin Regional High School in Muryssville, Pennsylvania, stabbing and slashing 19 other students in the school’s classrooms and hallways before being subdued by school personnel. Several of the students were critically injured.
Responding to Wednesday morning’s Pennsylvania knife attack, NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo warned the same thing could happen in the state of New York . “There are currently few knife controls in effect,” said the governor, “So it’s time for gun control advocates to turn their attention to knives. Attorney General Eric Schneiderman and I will be getting together next week to work on a plan that will restrict knife ownership and help keep the citizens of this great state from getting stabbed.”
President Obama released the following statement: "I am deeply saddened by the tragic events at Franklin Regional High School. My heart goes out to the students who were wounded and to their families. Michelle and I are praying for their speedy and complete recovery. I have just instructed Attorney General Eric Holder to take whatever steps are necessary to keep knives out of the hands of minors, the mentally ill, persons convicted of domestic violence and ex-convicts.”
Rachel Goldberg, president of Teachers United Against Brutality (TUAB), held a news conference in Berkeley, California during which she reminded reporters that there are stabbings nationwide every day. “People with mental problems should not be permitted to buy or own knives,” she said, “and no one under 18 should be permitted to buy or own a knife either.”
San Francisco Police Chief Chief Greg Suhr told KRON-TV 4, “We could easily have a stabbing here like the one in Pennsylvania. There needs to be a concealed carry licensing system for knives the same as for guns. And we must be as restrictive in issuing those licenses as we are with guns.”
Knife enthusiasts were quick to attack the calls for knife controls.
In a news release, Rod Bremer, president of the American Knife & Tool Institute (AKTI) warned that any restrictions against knife ownership would violate our Second Amendment rights. “The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution protects the rights of citizens to keep and bear arms,” said Bremer. “And nowhere in that document does it say that arms apply only to firearms.”
Former defense secretary and CIA director Robert Gates, who will become president of the Boy Scouts of America next month, released the following statement from Williamsburg, Virginia: “I am opposed to any haphazard knife controls. Prohibit knife ownership by minors? Have they lost their minds? As president-elect of the Boy Scouts, I must remind all Americans that the Boy Scout Knife has been an integral part of the scout uniform since the founding of this great youth organization in 1910.”
Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson, holding up his brand new Kershaw Knife, told The Unconventional Gazette, “I’ll give you my knife when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!”
POETRY CONTESTANTS COME UP WITH POEMS CONTAINING THE WORD ‘TIMBUKTU’
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two finalists - a Yale graduate and a Redneck.
They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem containing that word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU."
The Yale graduate stepped up the microphone and said:
"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS - TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU"
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Redneck top that, they thought.
The Redneck calmly made his way to the microphone, and recited:
"ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU"
Unfortunately for the Yale graduate, the Redneck won hands down.
They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem containing that word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU."
The Yale graduate stepped up the microphone and said:
"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS - TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU"
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Redneck top that, they thought.
The Redneck calmly made his way to the microphone, and recited:
"ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU"
Unfortunately for the Yale graduate, the Redneck won hands down.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
WHEN OLD PEOPLE START USING COMPUTER-AGE TECHNOLOGY
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me….
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod……..shit, I won’t be able to show my face in this Starbucks ever again, that is if I'll be able to remember which Starbucks I farted in.
And this is what happens when us old farts start using computer-age technology! Life does not get better as you get older. Screw the Golden Years!
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me….
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod……..shit, I won’t be able to show my face in this Starbucks ever again, that is if I'll be able to remember which Starbucks I farted in.
And this is what happens when us old farts start using computer-age technology! Life does not get better as you get older. Screw the Golden Years!
Monday, April 7, 2014
MR. PETERS MEETS HIS MATCH
Fact or fiction, the following story about Gandhi is quite amusing:
When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common.
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat ", to which Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away ", and he went and sat at another table.
Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course".
Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.
Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi.
Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade!!”
When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common.
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat ", to which Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away ", and he went and sat at another table.
Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course".
Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.
Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi.
Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade!!”
Sunday, April 6, 2014
HARD LANDING AND SPILLED COFFEE
A Southwest Airlines pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying Southwest.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
_________
An airliner was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... Oh my God, no, no!
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
_________
An airliner was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... Oh my God, no, no!
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
Friday, April 4, 2014
WHERE IS GOD?
Two little boys, ages 3 and 5, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 3 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 3 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
VIRGINS IN PARADISE
Ahmed al Mustafa, a 19-year-old Palestinian from Gaza, has been a member of Islamic Jihad for three years. For the past year he has been preparing to become a martyr by blowing himself up in Israel. Iman Yusef bin Rashid has been teaching Ahmed how to kill the dirty Jews that are oppressing Palestinians and occupying their ancestral lands.
Finally the day has arrived for Ahmed to achieve martyrdom by strapping on his suicide bomb vest, blowing himself up, and getting his reward of 72 beautiful virgins in Paradise. The Iman instructs him to try and sneak around an Israeli checkpoint, then go to Tel Aviv, where he is to board a crowded city bus before setting off the bomb strapped to his chest. If caught by Israeli border guards, Ahmed is to blow himself up when captured.
Ahmed has his picture taken with his family while proudly wearing his bomb vest. He says goodbye to his parents, brothers and sisters, and his grandparents. That night, Ahmed tried to sneak around the checkpoint but is detected and captured by Israeli border guards. He shouts Allahu Akbar and sets off his bomb … kaboom … he wakes up in Paradise.
Ahmed is indeed surrounded by 72 naked virgins with those closest to him kissing him all over and fondling his privates. However, there is a problem. All 72 are either extremely fat or so thin they look like skeletons wrapped in skin. They are so ugly that they would stop a camel in its tracks. Ahmed has never seen such ugly women before and, even though they were playing with his dick, he could not get an erection.
“I don’t understand,” says Ahmed. “There must be some mistake. I was promised 72 beautiful virgins and this is what I get? By Allah, how come you are all so ugly?”
One of them replies, “This is why we’re virgins!”
Finally the day has arrived for Ahmed to achieve martyrdom by strapping on his suicide bomb vest, blowing himself up, and getting his reward of 72 beautiful virgins in Paradise. The Iman instructs him to try and sneak around an Israeli checkpoint, then go to Tel Aviv, where he is to board a crowded city bus before setting off the bomb strapped to his chest. If caught by Israeli border guards, Ahmed is to blow himself up when captured.
Ahmed has his picture taken with his family while proudly wearing his bomb vest. He says goodbye to his parents, brothers and sisters, and his grandparents. That night, Ahmed tried to sneak around the checkpoint but is detected and captured by Israeli border guards. He shouts Allahu Akbar and sets off his bomb … kaboom … he wakes up in Paradise.
Ahmed is indeed surrounded by 72 naked virgins with those closest to him kissing him all over and fondling his privates. However, there is a problem. All 72 are either extremely fat or so thin they look like skeletons wrapped in skin. They are so ugly that they would stop a camel in its tracks. Ahmed has never seen such ugly women before and, even though they were playing with his dick, he could not get an erection.
“I don’t understand,” says Ahmed. “There must be some mistake. I was promised 72 beautiful virgins and this is what I get? By Allah, how come you are all so ugly?”
One of them replies, “This is why we’re virgins!”
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