The Onion / June 28, 2013
CHICAGO—Over the course of the 45-minute victory parade held Friday morning to celebrate the Chicago Blackhawks’ NHL championship, the Stanley Cup sustained nearly a dozen gunshot wounds, city police officials have confirmed.
“Multiple gun-wielding individuals, all appearing to operate independently, fired approximately 25 shots at the trophy, resulting in 11 direct hits,” said Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy, who confirmed the famous trophy’s injuries may leave many of the names of past champions engraved upon it permanently illegible, including the entire roster of the 1999 Dallas Stars. “We are seeking any information regarding the current whereabouts of the Cup’s assailants, as well as the identities of the 1.3 million revelers facing charges of public intoxication.”
Parade coordinators reportedly elected to continue the rally, stating that the crowds of Chicagoans did not seem at all fazed by the gunfire.
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