Two veterinarians offer to help poachers get ivory without killing the pachyderms
By Ima Schmuck
The Unconventional Gazette / December 31, 2012
The Unconventional Gazette has obtained an exclusive interview with Drs. Annette Brunhilde and Miriam Finkelstein, two dental veterinarians that have a plan to save the elephants from extinction by poachers.
The San Francisco vets plan to go to the African countries of Gabon, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and the Central African Republic where an estimated 25,000 elephants are slaughtered for their ivory every year. The elephants are either shot or hacked to death by gangs of poachers who use chain saws to remove the tusks of the slain creatures.
Brunhilde and Finkelstein told us that they have a unique plan by which they will help poachers to obtain the much sought after ivory without killing the elephants. They plan to organize and train a cadre of ‘tranquilizing squads’ that will accompany poachers and instead of shooting the elephants to death, they will shoot tranquilizing darts that will enable the poachers to remove the tusks without any other harm to the animals.
The two dental vets have already met with Gabon President Ali-Ben Bongo and obtained his approval for the plan. They will start their program in Gabon before approaching the presidents of the other African nations to obtain their approval as well.
President Bongo stated that it was far better for the elephants to lose their tusks than to lose their lives.
The plan calls for several ways of contacting poachers and offering to accompany them on their illegal elephant hunts provided that the tranquilizing squad members are allowed to dart the elephants in order to keep them from being killed.
President Bongo has promised that the poachers will not be prosecuted when they take part in nonlethal hunts and he will allow them to sell any ivory they obtain using this humane method.
Drs. Brunhilde and Finkelstein are optimistic that if their plan works in Gabon, President Joseph Kabila Kabange of the Congo and Central African Republic President François Bozizé Yangouvonda will follow Bongo’s lead in adopting their plan to save the elephants from extinction.
When asked about the UN global ban on ivory trading that took effect in 1989, the two vets said that the ban will be revised in Bangkok next March to allow resumption in trading, but only from existing ivory stocks gathered from elephants that have died as a result of natural causes. Brunhilde and Finkelstein said that trade in the ivory gathered by poachers from tranquilized elephants will remain banned but that will be their problem. “Our only interest is in saving the elephants,” they said.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
OBAMA RATED AS THE 4TH BEST PRESIDENT EVER
The Unconventional Gazette / December 29, 2012
A Sam Houston Institute of Technology study group that rated the nation's presidents recently released its findings as to the best president of the United States of America.
Obama has been rated as the 4th best president ever. Democrats were ecstatic over the findings while Republicans were outraged, insisting that Obama was rated way too high.
Former president George W. Bush released the following statement: “I find it incredulous that President Obama would be rated that high when, ever since the 2008 campaign, all he’s done is to keep blaming me for everything that’s gone wrong in this country.”
The SHIT study found that George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan and 7 other presidents tied for first.
Thomas Jefferson, Harry Truman and 13 other presidents tied for second.
18 other presidents tied for third.
Obama came in fourth.
A Sam Houston Institute of Technology study group that rated the nation's presidents recently released its findings as to the best president of the United States of America.
Obama has been rated as the 4th best president ever. Democrats were ecstatic over the findings while Republicans were outraged, insisting that Obama was rated way too high.
Former president George W. Bush released the following statement: “I find it incredulous that President Obama would be rated that high when, ever since the 2008 campaign, all he’s done is to keep blaming me for everything that’s gone wrong in this country.”
The SHIT study found that George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan and 7 other presidents tied for first.
Thomas Jefferson, Harry Truman and 13 other presidents tied for second.
18 other presidents tied for third.
Obama came in fourth.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 25, 2012
To All Our Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To All Our Other Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
To All Our Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To All Our Other Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
‘ZERO DARK THIRTY’ REVEALS NAVY SEALS KILLED BIN LADEN BY FRANTICALLY THROWING WHATEVER THEY COULD FIND AT HIM
The Onion / December 21, 2012
LOS ANGELES—According to reviews this week of Kathryn Bigelow’s thriller Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the 10-year hunt for Osama bin Laden, the film’s climactic scene features a team of U.S. Navy SEALs shrieking in terror as they gradually kill the al-Qaeda leader by throwing a variety of nearby objects at him.
“The mood is tense and silent as SEAL Team Six infiltrates the infamous Abbottabad compound, but then all hell breaks loose when bin Laden emerges from behind a door, causing the whole squadron to start yelling wildly as they pelt him with shoes, cups, and flimsy pieces of drywall,” wrote New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis, who mentioned that the hectic five-minute sequence shows bin Laden stumbling around with his head stuck in a sweatshirt thrown by one of the SEALs, bashing into various fixtures and shouting, “Ow, ow!” “Meanwhile, in the helicopter floating above the hideout, two SEALs scream directly into each other’s faces while they desperately try to fly the aircraft away from bin Laden, who is also screaming throughout the entire scene.”
The remainder of the film then reportedly focuses on the SEALs tentatively kicking bin Laden’s corpse before retreating several feet and anxiously watching to see if he is still moving.
LOS ANGELES—According to reviews this week of Kathryn Bigelow’s thriller Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the 10-year hunt for Osama bin Laden, the film’s climactic scene features a team of U.S. Navy SEALs shrieking in terror as they gradually kill the al-Qaeda leader by throwing a variety of nearby objects at him.
“The mood is tense and silent as SEAL Team Six infiltrates the infamous Abbottabad compound, but then all hell breaks loose when bin Laden emerges from behind a door, causing the whole squadron to start yelling wildly as they pelt him with shoes, cups, and flimsy pieces of drywall,” wrote New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis, who mentioned that the hectic five-minute sequence shows bin Laden stumbling around with his head stuck in a sweatshirt thrown by one of the SEALs, bashing into various fixtures and shouting, “Ow, ow!” “Meanwhile, in the helicopter floating above the hideout, two SEALs scream directly into each other’s faces while they desperately try to fly the aircraft away from bin Laden, who is also screaming throughout the entire scene.”
The remainder of the film then reportedly focuses on the SEALs tentatively kicking bin Laden’s corpse before retreating several feet and anxiously watching to see if he is still moving.
THE MOST APPRECIATED OF FOUR GIFTS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 22, 2012
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met the preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her ‘Thank You’ notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mama."
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met the preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her ‘Thank You’ notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mama."
Thursday, December 20, 2012
WIFE READ 'FIFTY SHADES OF GREY'
The Unconventional Gazette / December 20, 2012
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a see-through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, Here I am!"
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a see-through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, Here I am!"
GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 20, 2012
A 70 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While in the emergency room she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 23 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over and killed by a dump truck.
Arriving in front of God, she was really pissed off. She shrieked at God, "I thought you said I had another 23 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that truck?"
God replied: “Holy shit! I didn’t recognize you.”
A 70 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While in the emergency room she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 23 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over and killed by a dump truck.
Arriving in front of God, she was really pissed off. She shrieked at God, "I thought you said I had another 23 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that truck?"
God replied: “Holy shit! I didn’t recognize you.”
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
RIGHT TO OWN HANDHELD DEVICE THAT SHOOTS DEADLY METAL PELLETS AT HIGH SPEED WORTH ALL OF THIS
The Onion / December 14, 2012
NEWTOWN, CT—Following today’s mass shooting that left 20 young children dead at a Connecticut elementary school, numerous sources across the country reported that their government-protected right to own a portable device that propels small masses of metal through the air at lethal rates of speed is completely worth any such consequences.
“It’s my God-given right and a founding principle of this country that I be able to own a [piece of metal that launches other smaller pieces of metal great distances, one after the other], and if a few deaths here and there is the price we have to pay for that freedom, then so be it,” said Lawrence Crane of nearby Danbury, CT, who is such a staunch advocate of the portable deadly-pellet-flinging apparatuses that he keeps multiple versions of such mechanisms in his home, often carries one with him, and is a member of a club whose sole purpose is to celebrate these assembled steel things and the small bits of metal they send flying. “Sure, it’s sad that a few kids died, but it’s far better than the tyranny that would result if the government came and took away all our [mechanical contraptions that make a lot of little pointy chunks of metal go through the air fast]. Can you even imagine what kind of horrible world that would be?”
The man added that if the events that unfolded today led lawmakers to question his ability to possess any such items of steel and lead, authorities would have to “pry the [wholly inanimate mechanical object, nothing more, nothing less] from [his] dead hands.”
NEWTOWN, CT—Following today’s mass shooting that left 20 young children dead at a Connecticut elementary school, numerous sources across the country reported that their government-protected right to own a portable device that propels small masses of metal through the air at lethal rates of speed is completely worth any such consequences.
“It’s my God-given right and a founding principle of this country that I be able to own a [piece of metal that launches other smaller pieces of metal great distances, one after the other], and if a few deaths here and there is the price we have to pay for that freedom, then so be it,” said Lawrence Crane of nearby Danbury, CT, who is such a staunch advocate of the portable deadly-pellet-flinging apparatuses that he keeps multiple versions of such mechanisms in his home, often carries one with him, and is a member of a club whose sole purpose is to celebrate these assembled steel things and the small bits of metal they send flying. “Sure, it’s sad that a few kids died, but it’s far better than the tyranny that would result if the government came and took away all our [mechanical contraptions that make a lot of little pointy chunks of metal go through the air fast]. Can you even imagine what kind of horrible world that would be?”
The man added that if the events that unfolded today led lawmakers to question his ability to possess any such items of steel and lead, authorities would have to “pry the [wholly inanimate mechanical object, nothing more, nothing less] from [his] dead hands.”
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
EXCHANGE OF LETTERS BETWEEN TIMMY JONES AND SANTA CLAUS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 18, 2012
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my homies and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny gang-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, asshole.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That’s what I thought, you little bastard.
Santa
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my homies and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny gang-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, asshole.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That’s what I thought, you little bastard.
Santa
Monday, December 17, 2012
COMPETING GUN LAWS TO BE INTRODUCED IN CONGRESS
The Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre spawns new gun legislation
The Unconventional Gazette / December 17, 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Flanked by California Senator Dianne Feinstein, NY Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy, NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg, gun control advocate Sarah Brady and filmmaker Michael Moore, Minnesota Senator Al Franken announced today that he will introduce sweeping gun control measures in the Senate when Congress reconvenes next year.
Franken said his bill will prohibit the possession of any firearms for everyone except the police and the military. Possession of a firearm would constitute a felony punishable by 2-10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
The Democratic senator said that this was the only way to prevent mass shootings like those at Columbine High School, Virginia Tech, the Aurora movie theater, and Sandy Hook Elementary School. He added that the prohibition of firearms would also bring about a significant reduction in the country’s murder rate and end the gang wars that have been plaguing cities like Chicago and Los Angeles.
Under Franken’s proposed bill, local police and sheriff departments would stock hunting rifles that would be rented to licensed hunters. The hunters would have to undergo an extensive FBI background check and training program before getting their hunting licenses. The hunting rifles would be rented out each time for a maximum period of 72 hours. Failure to return a rented rifle to the police on time would constitute a misdemeanor punishable by 6-24 months in jail and a $5,000 fine.
Franken said that his bill is in line with the vow President Obama made in Newtown, Conn. at the Sunday night service for the slaughtered children and teachers when the president said, "In the coming weeks I'll use whatever power this office holds to engage my fellow citizens, from law enforcement to mental health professionals to parents and educators in an effort aimed at preventing more tragedies like this."
Sarah Brady and Michael Moore both stated that they couldn’t be more pleased by Franken’s bill. Bloomberg said that this kind of gun legislation should have been pushed by President Obama early in his presidency.
Congresswoman McCarthy, whose husband was killed in a 1993 mass shooting on a Long Island Rail Road commuter train, said she would introduce a companion bill in the House of Representatives.
Coincidentally, Arizona’s Senator-elect Jeff Flake, surrounded by Georgia Congressmen Paul Broun and Tom Graves, former Alaska governor and VP candidate Sarah Palin, the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre and movie star/director Clint Eastwood, announced today that he would introduce ‘The Home and Personal Defense Law’ in the Senate when Congress reconvenes next year.
Flake said under his bill every American citizen 18 years and older who is not an ex-convict or mentally ill and who has not been convicted of domestic violence, will be required to own at least one semi-automatic pistol and one semi-automatic ‘assault rifle.’ Failure to comply with this act would constitute a felony punishable by 2-10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
The senator-elect was highly critical of the vow Obama made at the Sunday night service in Newtown, saying that the president was politicizing a terrible tragedy and seeking to establish a “gunless and defenseless society.” He said that instead of protecting school children, Obama will endanger them even more.
Flake said that it was high time for Americans to have the ability to defend themselves against criminals and the ever growing threat of terrorists, both foreign and domestic. He noted that Swiss citizens are heavily armed with pistols and assault rifles and that the crime and murder rates in Switzerland are very low. Flake added that there was the real threat of a future Chinese invasion and that an armed citizenry would be able to help our military to repel that attack.
LaPierre praised Flake for his courage in introducing a sound piece of gun legislation and he accused Franken of trying to repeal the Second Amendment. LaPierre assured Franken that The Home and Personal Defense Law would have the overwhelming support of the National Rifle Association. And Clint Eastwood added that “The Home and Personal Defense Law will make my day!”
Tea Party favorites Paul Broun and Tom Graves said they would introduce a companion bill in the House of Representatives.
When asked what she thought of the The Home and Personal Defense Law, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said, “The gentleman from Arizona is living up to his name … he’s a flake!”
The Unconventional Gazette / December 17, 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Flanked by California Senator Dianne Feinstein, NY Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy, NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg, gun control advocate Sarah Brady and filmmaker Michael Moore, Minnesota Senator Al Franken announced today that he will introduce sweeping gun control measures in the Senate when Congress reconvenes next year.
Franken said his bill will prohibit the possession of any firearms for everyone except the police and the military. Possession of a firearm would constitute a felony punishable by 2-10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
The Democratic senator said that this was the only way to prevent mass shootings like those at Columbine High School, Virginia Tech, the Aurora movie theater, and Sandy Hook Elementary School. He added that the prohibition of firearms would also bring about a significant reduction in the country’s murder rate and end the gang wars that have been plaguing cities like Chicago and Los Angeles.
Under Franken’s proposed bill, local police and sheriff departments would stock hunting rifles that would be rented to licensed hunters. The hunters would have to undergo an extensive FBI background check and training program before getting their hunting licenses. The hunting rifles would be rented out each time for a maximum period of 72 hours. Failure to return a rented rifle to the police on time would constitute a misdemeanor punishable by 6-24 months in jail and a $5,000 fine.
Franken said that his bill is in line with the vow President Obama made in Newtown, Conn. at the Sunday night service for the slaughtered children and teachers when the president said, "In the coming weeks I'll use whatever power this office holds to engage my fellow citizens, from law enforcement to mental health professionals to parents and educators in an effort aimed at preventing more tragedies like this."
Sarah Brady and Michael Moore both stated that they couldn’t be more pleased by Franken’s bill. Bloomberg said that this kind of gun legislation should have been pushed by President Obama early in his presidency.
Congresswoman McCarthy, whose husband was killed in a 1993 mass shooting on a Long Island Rail Road commuter train, said she would introduce a companion bill in the House of Representatives.
Coincidentally, Arizona’s Senator-elect Jeff Flake, surrounded by Georgia Congressmen Paul Broun and Tom Graves, former Alaska governor and VP candidate Sarah Palin, the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre and movie star/director Clint Eastwood, announced today that he would introduce ‘The Home and Personal Defense Law’ in the Senate when Congress reconvenes next year.
Flake said under his bill every American citizen 18 years and older who is not an ex-convict or mentally ill and who has not been convicted of domestic violence, will be required to own at least one semi-automatic pistol and one semi-automatic ‘assault rifle.’ Failure to comply with this act would constitute a felony punishable by 2-10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
The senator-elect was highly critical of the vow Obama made at the Sunday night service in Newtown, saying that the president was politicizing a terrible tragedy and seeking to establish a “gunless and defenseless society.” He said that instead of protecting school children, Obama will endanger them even more.
Flake said that it was high time for Americans to have the ability to defend themselves against criminals and the ever growing threat of terrorists, both foreign and domestic. He noted that Swiss citizens are heavily armed with pistols and assault rifles and that the crime and murder rates in Switzerland are very low. Flake added that there was the real threat of a future Chinese invasion and that an armed citizenry would be able to help our military to repel that attack.
LaPierre praised Flake for his courage in introducing a sound piece of gun legislation and he accused Franken of trying to repeal the Second Amendment. LaPierre assured Franken that The Home and Personal Defense Law would have the overwhelming support of the National Rifle Association. And Clint Eastwood added that “The Home and Personal Defense Law will make my day!”
Tea Party favorites Paul Broun and Tom Graves said they would introduce a companion bill in the House of Representatives.
When asked what she thought of the The Home and Personal Defense Law, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said, “The gentleman from Arizona is living up to his name … he’s a flake!”
Saturday, December 15, 2012
WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE IN JESUS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 15, 2012
The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy, "What do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick then addressed the class. "Well Missus Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass with Ma and Pa and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mincemeat pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. After that, all excited, we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," said the teacher. "Now, Suzy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Jones, my brother and I also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We can hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our new toys."
Realizing that the lone Jewish boy in the class had been left out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Abe Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Abe said, "Well, Ma'am, it's the same thing every year. Father comes home from the office. We all pile into the Cadillac, then drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look around at all the empty shelves and smile. We sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.' Then we fly to the Bahamas.
The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy, "What do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick then addressed the class. "Well Missus Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass with Ma and Pa and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mincemeat pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. After that, all excited, we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," said the teacher. "Now, Suzy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Jones, my brother and I also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We can hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our new toys."
Realizing that the lone Jewish boy in the class had been left out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Abe Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Abe said, "Well, Ma'am, it's the same thing every year. Father comes home from the office. We all pile into the Cadillac, then drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look around at all the empty shelves and smile. We sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.' Then we fly to the Bahamas.
Friday, December 14, 2012
LATEST TECHNIQUE FOR DIGITAL PROSTATE EXAM
The Unconventional Gazette / December 14, 2012
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets referred to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he arrives, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
The old guy obeys and says, "99."
The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
Again, the old guy says, "99."
The doctor said, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."
The old guy begins, "One ... two … three …four … five … six ………."
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets referred to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he arrives, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
The old guy obeys and says, "99."
The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
Again, the old guy says, "99."
The doctor said, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."
The old guy begins, "One ... two … three …four … five … six ………."
GRANDFATHERS ARE DIFFERENT
The Unconventional Gazette / December 14, 2012
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.
“Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist wing pinko democrat Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper, or son-of-a-bitch anywhere we went!"
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.
“Not really, PaPa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, socialist wing pinko democrat Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper, or son-of-a-bitch anywhere we went!"
Thursday, December 13, 2012
‘SIR, I’M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR UPPER BODY AND FEET’
The Unconventional Gazette / December 13, 2012
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?”
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?”
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
SLOVENIAN 8TH-GRADERS SURPRISED EVEN THEY OUTPERFORMED U.S. STUDENTS IN SCIENCE
The Onion / December 11, 2012
LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—Responding today to his nation’s ranking in a new international study measuring student performance, 14-year-old Izotk Rogelj told reporters he was more than a little surprised that even he and his classmates, all eighth-grade students from Slovenia, had outperformed their American counterparts on science achievement exams.
“I mean, I know they’re in desperate need of education reform over there, but those guys ranked four spots below a country where the average income is half what it is in the United States,” said the flabbergasted pupil, noting that Slovenia’s national education budget of $2.8 billion in funding for every single basic primary, secondary, and tertiary institution was enough to buy “maybe three microscopes.” “I understand the global recession has taken a toll on American education as much as anywhere else, but I live in an Eastern European nation that barely existed 20 years ago. And yet we manage to beat a nation with the highest GDP in the world? Pretty weird, right?”
Rogelj said that despite America’s shortcomings in education, he was hoping to go there for college one day.
LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—Responding today to his nation’s ranking in a new international study measuring student performance, 14-year-old Izotk Rogelj told reporters he was more than a little surprised that even he and his classmates, all eighth-grade students from Slovenia, had outperformed their American counterparts on science achievement exams.
“I mean, I know they’re in desperate need of education reform over there, but those guys ranked four spots below a country where the average income is half what it is in the United States,” said the flabbergasted pupil, noting that Slovenia’s national education budget of $2.8 billion in funding for every single basic primary, secondary, and tertiary institution was enough to buy “maybe three microscopes.” “I understand the global recession has taken a toll on American education as much as anywhere else, but I live in an Eastern European nation that barely existed 20 years ago. And yet we manage to beat a nation with the highest GDP in the world? Pretty weird, right?”
Rogelj said that despite America’s shortcomings in education, he was hoping to go there for college one day.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN
The Unconventional Gazette / December 9, 2012
From an Irish Sunday School teacher:
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'No!' the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was ‘No!'
‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, they all answered ‘No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'Yuv gotta be fookin dead!'
From an Irish Sunday School teacher:
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'No!' the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was ‘No!'
‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, they all answered ‘No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'Yuv gotta be fookin dead!'
Friday, December 7, 2012
THE DOT ON THE FOREHEADS OF INDIAN WOMEN
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / December 7, 2012
I finally got the official story of something that has puzzled me all my life.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.
The Unconventional Gazette / December 7, 2012
I finally got the official story of something that has puzzled me all my life.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
LETTER FROM MY SON
By Pamela Putz
The Unconventional Gazette / December 4, 2012
I thought I'd share this letter with our readers while Adam's mother and I get ready to join a special state police search and rescue unit to locate Bryce and Adam's scout troop and to lock up their scoutmaster in jail:
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Bryce x x x
The Unconventional Gazette / December 4, 2012
I thought I'd share this letter with our readers while Adam's mother and I get ready to join a special state police search and rescue unit to locate Bryce and Adam's scout troop and to lock up their scoutmaster in jail:
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Bryce x x x
Monday, December 3, 2012
ADVANTAGES OF MOTHER’S MILK
The Unconventional Gazette / December 3, 2012
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and they're high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an ‘A’.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and they're high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an ‘A’.
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