BIRDS BOMBING NORTHERN KENTUCKY TOWN A TERRORIST ATTACK?

By Adolf der Schweinehund / The Schalotte / January 28, 2012

La Grange, a small Kentucky town northeast of Louisville, has been bombed daily with droppings by several hundred thousand black birds. The carpet bombing attacks have been carried out every evening at dusk since last November. They have concentrated their bombings on a three-mile radius part of the town. At night the birds, believed to be starlings, roost in nearby woods, reloading for the next attack.

Residents say that during the bombings it sounds like heavy raindrops hitting the roofs of their homes. When the birds swarm it looks like a black cloud approaching the town. Residents don’t dare to go outdoors without their umbrellas. Their streets, their cars, their houses and their yards are covered with bird shit. It takes hours to clean all that shit off of their cars. Swimming pools are just one big shitty mess.

The smell is sickening. Residents claim the carpet bombing has resulted in serious health hazards. Kids are catching eye infections and many residents are experiencing respiratory difficulties. Wildlife authorities have given several residents air cannons, but the noise from the cannons has not succeeded in scaring off the attacking birds.

Bird experts say the bird swarm phenomenon is called ‘murmuration’, a synchronized swirl of starlings. The word was coined after two filmmakers on a canoe trip in Ireland filmed the swirl and put it to music.

Frank Attwater, standing under his umbrella, said, “I believe this shitty attack is the work of terrorists. I think they’re making a test run here in La Grange before unleashing this biological weapon of mass destruction on other parts of the country.” Mary Johnson, Attwater’s neighbor, agreed and added, “Just think what kind of havoc and destruction such bombings would cause if those birds attacked our military bases.”

Hank Fairweather, leader of the Texas Defenders of Freedom, showed up to offer the help of his organization. He said TDF is a small army of good old boys that was formed to fight terrorist attacks wherever they may occur in this country. He said that TDF doesn’t trust the government in the fight against terrorism. Fairweather belittled the air cannons and said, “I’ve got more than 50 of my men ready to come up here with their shotguns to blast away those ornery critters.” Suddenly he shouted “God damn it!” as his head and face got splattered with bird shit.

But bird lover Betsy Carpenter, while standing nearby under her umbrella, shouted “Go back to Texas! We don’t want your sorry ass redneck bird killers here! This is no terrorist attack. Birds are beautiful little creatures and I think this is God’s way of punishing us because this neighborhood voted overwhelmingly for Barack Obama.”