Two veterinarians offer to help poachers get ivory without killing the pachyderms
By Ima Schmuck
The Unconventional Gazette / December 31, 2012
The Unconventional Gazette has obtained an exclusive interview with Drs. Annette Brunhilde and Miriam Finkelstein, two dental veterinarians that have a plan to save the elephants from extinction by poachers.
The San Francisco vets plan to go to the African countries of Gabon, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and the Central African Republic where an estimated 25,000 elephants are slaughtered for their ivory every year. The elephants are either shot or hacked to death by gangs of poachers who use chain saws to remove the tusks of the slain creatures.
Brunhilde and Finkelstein told us that they have a unique plan by which they will help poachers to obtain the much sought after ivory without killing the elephants. They plan to organize and train a cadre of ‘tranquilizing squads’ that will accompany poachers and instead of shooting the elephants to death, they will shoot tranquilizing darts that will enable the poachers to remove the tusks without any other harm to the animals.
The two dental vets have already met with Gabon President Ali-Ben Bongo and obtained his approval for the plan. They will start their program in Gabon before approaching the presidents of the other African nations to obtain their approval as well.
President Bongo stated that it was far better for the elephants to lose their tusks than to lose their lives.
The plan calls for several ways of contacting poachers and offering to accompany them on their illegal elephant hunts provided that the tranquilizing squad members are allowed to dart the elephants in order to keep them from being killed.
President Bongo has promised that the poachers will not be prosecuted when they take part in nonlethal hunts and he will allow them to sell any ivory they obtain using this humane method.
Drs. Brunhilde and Finkelstein are optimistic that if their plan works in Gabon, President Joseph Kabila Kabange of the Congo and Central African Republic President François Bozizé Yangouvonda will follow Bongo’s lead in adopting their plan to save the elephants from extinction.
When asked about the UN global ban on ivory trading that took effect in 1989, the two vets said that the ban will be revised in Bangkok next March to allow resumption in trading, but only from existing ivory stocks gathered from elephants that have died as a result of natural causes. Brunhilde and Finkelstein said that trade in the ivory gathered by poachers from tranquilized elephants will remain banned but that will be their problem. “Our only interest is in saving the elephants,” they said.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
OBAMA RATED AS THE 4TH BEST PRESIDENT EVER
The Unconventional Gazette / December 29, 2012
A Sam Houston Institute of Technology study group that rated the nation's presidents recently released its findings as to the best president of the United States of America.
Obama has been rated as the 4th best president ever. Democrats were ecstatic over the findings while Republicans were outraged, insisting that Obama was rated way too high.
Former president George W. Bush released the following statement: “I find it incredulous that President Obama would be rated that high when, ever since the 2008 campaign, all he’s done is to keep blaming me for everything that’s gone wrong in this country.”
The SHIT study found that George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan and 7 other presidents tied for first.
Thomas Jefferson, Harry Truman and 13 other presidents tied for second.
18 other presidents tied for third.
Obama came in fourth.
A Sam Houston Institute of Technology study group that rated the nation's presidents recently released its findings as to the best president of the United States of America.
Obama has been rated as the 4th best president ever. Democrats were ecstatic over the findings while Republicans were outraged, insisting that Obama was rated way too high.
Former president George W. Bush released the following statement: “I find it incredulous that President Obama would be rated that high when, ever since the 2008 campaign, all he’s done is to keep blaming me for everything that’s gone wrong in this country.”
The SHIT study found that George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan and 7 other presidents tied for first.
Thomas Jefferson, Harry Truman and 13 other presidents tied for second.
18 other presidents tied for third.
Obama came in fourth.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 25, 2012
To All Our Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To All Our Other Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
To All Our Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To All Our Other Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
‘ZERO DARK THIRTY’ REVEALS NAVY SEALS KILLED BIN LADEN BY FRANTICALLY THROWING WHATEVER THEY COULD FIND AT HIM
The Onion / December 21, 2012
LOS ANGELES—According to reviews this week of Kathryn Bigelow’s thriller Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the 10-year hunt for Osama bin Laden, the film’s climactic scene features a team of U.S. Navy SEALs shrieking in terror as they gradually kill the al-Qaeda leader by throwing a variety of nearby objects at him.
“The mood is tense and silent as SEAL Team Six infiltrates the infamous Abbottabad compound, but then all hell breaks loose when bin Laden emerges from behind a door, causing the whole squadron to start yelling wildly as they pelt him with shoes, cups, and flimsy pieces of drywall,” wrote New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis, who mentioned that the hectic five-minute sequence shows bin Laden stumbling around with his head stuck in a sweatshirt thrown by one of the SEALs, bashing into various fixtures and shouting, “Ow, ow!” “Meanwhile, in the helicopter floating above the hideout, two SEALs scream directly into each other’s faces while they desperately try to fly the aircraft away from bin Laden, who is also screaming throughout the entire scene.”
The remainder of the film then reportedly focuses on the SEALs tentatively kicking bin Laden’s corpse before retreating several feet and anxiously watching to see if he is still moving.
LOS ANGELES—According to reviews this week of Kathryn Bigelow’s thriller Zero Dark Thirty, which chronicles the 10-year hunt for Osama bin Laden, the film’s climactic scene features a team of U.S. Navy SEALs shrieking in terror as they gradually kill the al-Qaeda leader by throwing a variety of nearby objects at him.
“The mood is tense and silent as SEAL Team Six infiltrates the infamous Abbottabad compound, but then all hell breaks loose when bin Laden emerges from behind a door, causing the whole squadron to start yelling wildly as they pelt him with shoes, cups, and flimsy pieces of drywall,” wrote New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis, who mentioned that the hectic five-minute sequence shows bin Laden stumbling around with his head stuck in a sweatshirt thrown by one of the SEALs, bashing into various fixtures and shouting, “Ow, ow!” “Meanwhile, in the helicopter floating above the hideout, two SEALs scream directly into each other’s faces while they desperately try to fly the aircraft away from bin Laden, who is also screaming throughout the entire scene.”
The remainder of the film then reportedly focuses on the SEALs tentatively kicking bin Laden’s corpse before retreating several feet and anxiously watching to see if he is still moving.
THE MOST APPRECIATED OF FOUR GIFTS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 22, 2012
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met the preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her ‘Thank You’ notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mama."
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met the preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her ‘Thank You’ notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mama."
Thursday, December 20, 2012
WIFE READ 'FIFTY SHADES OF GREY'
The Unconventional Gazette / December 20, 2012
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a see-through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, Here I am!"
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a see-through nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'
So, Here I am!"
GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS
The Unconventional Gazette / December 20, 2012
A 70 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While in the emergency room she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 23 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over and killed by a dump truck.
Arriving in front of God, she was really pissed off. She shrieked at God, "I thought you said I had another 23 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that truck?"
God replied: “Holy shit! I didn’t recognize you.”
A 70 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While in the emergency room she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 23 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over and killed by a dump truck.
Arriving in front of God, she was really pissed off. She shrieked at God, "I thought you said I had another 23 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that truck?"
God replied: “Holy shit! I didn’t recognize you.”
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