19 Pennsylvania high school students stabbed or slashed by student running amok with two knives
By Adolf der Schweinehund
On Wednesday morning, a student ran amok carrying two knives at Franklin Regional High School in Muryssville, Pennsylvania, stabbing and slashing 19 other students in the school’s classrooms and hallways before being subdued by school personnel. Several of the students were critically injured.
Responding to Wednesday morning’s Pennsylvania knife attack, NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo warned the same thing could happen in the state of New York . “There are currently few knife controls in effect,” said the governor, “So it’s time for gun control advocates to turn their attention to knives. Attorney General Eric Schneiderman and I will be getting together next week to work on a plan that will restrict knife ownership and help keep the citizens of this great state from getting stabbed.”
President Obama released the following statement: "I am deeply saddened by the tragic events at Franklin Regional High School. My heart goes out to the students who were wounded and to their families. Michelle and I are praying for their speedy and complete recovery. I have just instructed Attorney General Eric Holder to take whatever steps are necessary to keep knives out of the hands of minors, the mentally ill, persons convicted of domestic violence and ex-convicts.”
Rachel Goldberg, president of Teachers United Against Brutality (TUAB), held a news conference in Berkeley, California during which she reminded reporters that there are stabbings nationwide every day. “People with mental problems should not be permitted to buy or own knives,” she said, “and no one under 18 should be permitted to buy or own a knife either.”
San Francisco Police Chief Chief Greg Suhr told KRON-TV 4, “We could easily have a stabbing here like the one in Pennsylvania. There needs to be a concealed carry licensing system for knives the same as for guns. And we must be as restrictive in issuing those licenses as we are with guns.”
Knife enthusiasts were quick to attack the calls for knife controls.
In a news release, Rod Bremer, president of the American Knife & Tool Institute (AKTI) warned that any restrictions against knife ownership would violate our Second Amendment rights. “The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution protects the rights of citizens to keep and bear arms,” said Bremer. “And nowhere in that document does it say that arms apply only to firearms.”
Former defense secretary and CIA director Robert Gates, who will become president of the Boy Scouts of America next month, released the following statement from Williamsburg, Virginia: “I am opposed to any haphazard knife controls. Prohibit knife ownership by minors? Have they lost their minds? As president-elect of the Boy Scouts, I must remind all Americans that the Boy Scout Knife has been an integral part of the scout uniform since the founding of this great youth organization in 1910.”
Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson, holding up his brand new Kershaw Knife, told The Unconventional Gazette, “I’ll give you my knife when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!”
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
POETRY CONTESTANTS COME UP WITH POEMS CONTAINING THE WORD ‘TIMBUKTU’
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two finalists - a Yale graduate and a Redneck.
They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem containing that word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU."
The Yale graduate stepped up the microphone and said:
"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS - TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU"
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Redneck top that, they thought.
The Redneck calmly made his way to the microphone, and recited:
"ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU"
Unfortunately for the Yale graduate, the Redneck won hands down.
They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem containing that word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU."
The Yale graduate stepped up the microphone and said:
"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS - TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU"
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Redneck top that, they thought.
The Redneck calmly made his way to the microphone, and recited:
"ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU"
Unfortunately for the Yale graduate, the Redneck won hands down.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
WHEN OLD PEOPLE START USING COMPUTER-AGE TECHNOLOGY
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me….
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod……..shit, I won’t be able to show my face in this Starbucks ever again, that is if I'll be able to remember which Starbucks I farted in.
And this is what happens when us old farts start using computer-age technology! Life does not get better as you get older. Screw the Golden Years!
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me….
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod……..shit, I won’t be able to show my face in this Starbucks ever again, that is if I'll be able to remember which Starbucks I farted in.
And this is what happens when us old farts start using computer-age technology! Life does not get better as you get older. Screw the Golden Years!
Monday, April 7, 2014
MR. PETERS MEETS HIS MATCH
Fact or fiction, the following story about Gandhi is quite amusing:
When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common.
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat ", to which Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away ", and he went and sat at another table.
Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course".
Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.
Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi.
Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade!!”
When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common.
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat ", to which Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away ", and he went and sat at another table.
Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions. Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course".
Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.
Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi.
Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade!!”
Sunday, April 6, 2014
HARD LANDING AND SPILLED COFFEE
A Southwest Airlines pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying Southwest.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
_________
An airliner was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... Oh my God, no, no!
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
_________
An airliner was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... Oh my God, no, no!
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
Friday, April 4, 2014
WHERE IS GOD?
Two little boys, ages 3 and 5, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 3 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 3 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
VIRGINS IN PARADISE
Ahmed al Mustafa, a 19-year-old Palestinian from Gaza, has been a member of Islamic Jihad for three years. For the past year he has been preparing to become a martyr by blowing himself up in Israel. Iman Yusef bin Rashid has been teaching Ahmed how to kill the dirty Jews that are oppressing Palestinians and occupying their ancestral lands.
Finally the day has arrived for Ahmed to achieve martyrdom by strapping on his suicide bomb vest, blowing himself up, and getting his reward of 72 beautiful virgins in Paradise. The Iman instructs him to try and sneak around an Israeli checkpoint, then go to Tel Aviv, where he is to board a crowded city bus before setting off the bomb strapped to his chest. If caught by Israeli border guards, Ahmed is to blow himself up when captured.
Ahmed has his picture taken with his family while proudly wearing his bomb vest. He says goodbye to his parents, brothers and sisters, and his grandparents. That night, Ahmed tried to sneak around the checkpoint but is detected and captured by Israeli border guards. He shouts Allahu Akbar and sets off his bomb … kaboom … he wakes up in Paradise.
Ahmed is indeed surrounded by 72 naked virgins with those closest to him kissing him all over and fondling his privates. However, there is a problem. All 72 are either extremely fat or so thin they look like skeletons wrapped in skin. They are so ugly that they would stop a camel in its tracks. Ahmed has never seen such ugly women before and, even though they were playing with his dick, he could not get an erection.
“I don’t understand,” says Ahmed. “There must be some mistake. I was promised 72 beautiful virgins and this is what I get? By Allah, how come you are all so ugly?”
One of them replies, “This is why we’re virgins!”
Finally the day has arrived for Ahmed to achieve martyrdom by strapping on his suicide bomb vest, blowing himself up, and getting his reward of 72 beautiful virgins in Paradise. The Iman instructs him to try and sneak around an Israeli checkpoint, then go to Tel Aviv, where he is to board a crowded city bus before setting off the bomb strapped to his chest. If caught by Israeli border guards, Ahmed is to blow himself up when captured.
Ahmed has his picture taken with his family while proudly wearing his bomb vest. He says goodbye to his parents, brothers and sisters, and his grandparents. That night, Ahmed tried to sneak around the checkpoint but is detected and captured by Israeli border guards. He shouts Allahu Akbar and sets off his bomb … kaboom … he wakes up in Paradise.
Ahmed is indeed surrounded by 72 naked virgins with those closest to him kissing him all over and fondling his privates. However, there is a problem. All 72 are either extremely fat or so thin they look like skeletons wrapped in skin. They are so ugly that they would stop a camel in its tracks. Ahmed has never seen such ugly women before and, even though they were playing with his dick, he could not get an erection.
“I don’t understand,” says Ahmed. “There must be some mistake. I was promised 72 beautiful virgins and this is what I get? By Allah, how come you are all so ugly?”
One of them replies, “This is why we’re virgins!”
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