The Onion / February 15, 2012
MOSS POINT, MS—The ongoing plight of passengers who recently escaped the disabled Carnival cruise liner Triumph took another unfortunate turn Thursday when, just hours after they disembarked the filthy ship and boarded a charter bus for New Orleans, their vehicle careened off the road and crashed into a local sewage treatment plant.
“Oh, goddamn it, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” former Triumph traveler Laura Jackson said as torrents of human waste rose around her ankles and soiled her newly changed clothing. “You know what? Bring it on. Just go ahead and pour shit all over me. Lock me in a Porta-Potty and roll me down a hill, see if I give a fuck. Screw it.”
At press time, Carnival had issued an apology to all passengers affected by the accident and offered them 100 Loyalty Club points redeemable on any future cruise.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
METEOR MISTAKEN FOR INCOMING BALLISTIC MISSILE
Chinese sources tell The Unconventional Gazette that China shot down a ballistic missile over Russia as it headed toward Beijing after having been launched by the United States
by Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / February 16, 2012
CHELYABINSK, RUSSIA – People in this city 900 miles east of Moscow are still in shock over the explosion of a 40-ton meteor traveling overhead at 33,000 mph. The explosion Friday damaged over 4,000 buildings and injured more than 1,200 people.
Although international astronomers and physicists insist that the object which flashed across the sky was a meteor, Chinese sources tell The Unconventional Gazette that the object was not a meteor, but a ballistic missile headed toward Beijing that was launched by the United States.
Ching Wang Peng, a spokesman for the People’s Liberation Army, said Defense Minister General Liang Guanglie ordered the PLA to intercept the incoming missile with China’s newly operational kinetic kill ABM. China’s new leader, Xi Jinping, congratulated Gen. Guanglie on the successful missile interception.
Russian President Vladimir Putin called Xi Jinping to protest China’s missile launch over Russia:
__“When you blew up that meteor into small pieces you cost my country billions of rubles in tourism business,” Putin scolded the Chinese leader.
__Xi Jinping replied, “What are you talking about Vlad? What meteor? We shot down an American missile that was headed toward Beijing.”
__Putin then asked, “What’s that? The Americans launched a missile at you that invaded our airspace? Are you sure?”
__”That’s what my defense minister told me,” answered Xi Jinping.
__Putin then said, “Well, there’s no sense in calling Obama. He’ll just blame it all on Bush.”
The Chinese leader has called for an emergency session of the U.N. Security Council to protest America’s unprovoked attack against the peaceful People’s Republic of China.
In a hastily called press conference, President Obama strongly denied that the United States had launched a missile against anyone. “I want to assure Mr. Putin and Xi Jinping that as long as I am in the White House, the United States will never fire a missile over Russia or against China, and not even against North Korea or Iran … against Israel maybe,” said the president.
Outgoing Defense Secretary Leon Panetta told The Unconventional Gazette that “The Chinese are crazy! Crazy is what they are!”
While visiting the Islamic Center of Washington to address a gathering of Muslim clerics, newly appointed Secretary of State John Kerry said, “I have a strong suspicion that Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu was behind this grave incident.”
UPDATE February 17, 2013
MOSCOW – Our sources in the Kremlin inform us that less than two hours after Kerry’s remarks to Muslim clerics at the Islamic Center of Washington, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas sent President Putin this cable:
__"My dear friend Vlad. I have just been informed that U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has told a group of Muslim clerics that Netanyahu was behind the explosion that occurred over the city of Chelyabinsk. When I heard about the explosion, I immediately suspected that the Jews were to blame for this catastrophe. Now you can see why I will not sit down to negotiate a peace with the Netanyahu led Zionists. Rest assured that the Palestinian Authority stands ready to assist you in punishing the Jews for their despicable act. Your faithful friend - Mahmoud"
by Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / February 16, 2012
CHELYABINSK, RUSSIA – People in this city 900 miles east of Moscow are still in shock over the explosion of a 40-ton meteor traveling overhead at 33,000 mph. The explosion Friday damaged over 4,000 buildings and injured more than 1,200 people.
Although international astronomers and physicists insist that the object which flashed across the sky was a meteor, Chinese sources tell The Unconventional Gazette that the object was not a meteor, but a ballistic missile headed toward Beijing that was launched by the United States.
Ching Wang Peng, a spokesman for the People’s Liberation Army, said Defense Minister General Liang Guanglie ordered the PLA to intercept the incoming missile with China’s newly operational kinetic kill ABM. China’s new leader, Xi Jinping, congratulated Gen. Guanglie on the successful missile interception.
Russian President Vladimir Putin called Xi Jinping to protest China’s missile launch over Russia:
__“When you blew up that meteor into small pieces you cost my country billions of rubles in tourism business,” Putin scolded the Chinese leader.
__Xi Jinping replied, “What are you talking about Vlad? What meteor? We shot down an American missile that was headed toward Beijing.”
__Putin then asked, “What’s that? The Americans launched a missile at you that invaded our airspace? Are you sure?”
__”That’s what my defense minister told me,” answered Xi Jinping.
__Putin then said, “Well, there’s no sense in calling Obama. He’ll just blame it all on Bush.”
The Chinese leader has called for an emergency session of the U.N. Security Council to protest America’s unprovoked attack against the peaceful People’s Republic of China.
In a hastily called press conference, President Obama strongly denied that the United States had launched a missile against anyone. “I want to assure Mr. Putin and Xi Jinping that as long as I am in the White House, the United States will never fire a missile over Russia or against China, and not even against North Korea or Iran … against Israel maybe,” said the president.
Outgoing Defense Secretary Leon Panetta told The Unconventional Gazette that “The Chinese are crazy! Crazy is what they are!”
While visiting the Islamic Center of Washington to address a gathering of Muslim clerics, newly appointed Secretary of State John Kerry said, “I have a strong suspicion that Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu was behind this grave incident.”
UPDATE February 17, 2013
MOSCOW – Our sources in the Kremlin inform us that less than two hours after Kerry’s remarks to Muslim clerics at the Islamic Center of Washington, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas sent President Putin this cable:
__"My dear friend Vlad. I have just been informed that U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has told a group of Muslim clerics that Netanyahu was behind the explosion that occurred over the city of Chelyabinsk. When I heard about the explosion, I immediately suspected that the Jews were to blame for this catastrophe. Now you can see why I will not sit down to negotiate a peace with the Netanyahu led Zionists. Rest assured that the Palestinian Authority stands ready to assist you in punishing the Jews for their despicable act. Your faithful friend - Mahmoud"
Thursday, February 14, 2013
GET THE QUARTERBACK
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / February 14, 2013
My neighbor George recently took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the New York Giants bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, George asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, first some guy in a striped shirt flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like ...... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!"
The Unconventional Gazette / February 14, 2013
My neighbor George recently took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the New York Giants bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, George asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, first some guy in a striped shirt flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like ...... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!"
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
PANICKED BIDEN INTERRUPTS STATE OF THE UNION TO ASK IF ERECTIONS CAN EVER BE MEDICAL EMERGENCY
The Onion / February 12, 2013
WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had a “huge honking woody that just won’t quit,” Vice President Joe Biden interrupted President Barack Obama during the State of the Union tonight, asking the commander-in-chief in a frightened voice if erections exceeding three days required emergency medical attention.
“Hey, Barry, sorry to interrupt your speech, man—but is 72 hours too long for a raging boner?” said the perspiring, agitated Biden, nervously motioning to the erection. “I wasn’t complaining for the first 36 hours—and neither was she-—but this monster is gonna rip my pants at the seams. It hurts, bud. I’m in pecker purgatory over here. Should we call somebody?”
At press time, Biden told Speaker of the House John Boehner that he needed to “get his bronco some shut-eye” so it could be “rodeo-ready” by the time “[wife] Jill gets home from the gym tomorrow.”
WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had a “huge honking woody that just won’t quit,” Vice President Joe Biden interrupted President Barack Obama during the State of the Union tonight, asking the commander-in-chief in a frightened voice if erections exceeding three days required emergency medical attention.
“Hey, Barry, sorry to interrupt your speech, man—but is 72 hours too long for a raging boner?” said the perspiring, agitated Biden, nervously motioning to the erection. “I wasn’t complaining for the first 36 hours—and neither was she-—but this monster is gonna rip my pants at the seams. It hurts, bud. I’m in pecker purgatory over here. Should we call somebody?”
At press time, Biden told Speaker of the House John Boehner that he needed to “get his bronco some shut-eye” so it could be “rodeo-ready” by the time “[wife] Jill gets home from the gym tomorrow.”
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING … WELL, NOT REALLY
By Bob Walsh
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 12, 2013
Hackers got into the Emergency Alert System of KRTV in Great Falls, Montana yesterday and broadcast an emergency alert stating that reanimated corpses were rising from their graves in several areas of Montana. The alert said that the zombies were attacking living people and that they were extremely dangerous. Views were urged not to approach zombies.
There were in fact no zombies. Just in case you were wondering. Of course the past is no guarantee of the future. Remember, you need head shots to kill zombies. Multiple hits from small-caliber weapons will do the job or one good shot from a large-caliber weapon, rifle or shotgun will usually do the trick. Just for future reference.
I would suggest they check with Orson Welles for likely suspects, but he has been dead for quite some time. Then again……
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 12, 2013
Hackers got into the Emergency Alert System of KRTV in Great Falls, Montana yesterday and broadcast an emergency alert stating that reanimated corpses were rising from their graves in several areas of Montana. The alert said that the zombies were attacking living people and that they were extremely dangerous. Views were urged not to approach zombies.
There were in fact no zombies. Just in case you were wondering. Of course the past is no guarantee of the future. Remember, you need head shots to kill zombies. Multiple hits from small-caliber weapons will do the job or one good shot from a large-caliber weapon, rifle or shotgun will usually do the trick. Just for future reference.
I would suggest they check with Orson Welles for likely suspects, but he has been dead for quite some time. Then again……
Monday, February 11, 2013
THE KID FROM MAINTENANCE VS. THE ENGINEERS
The Unconventional Gazette / February 11, 2013
A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."
A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."
DON’T LEAVE PRISONER AND KEYS IN THE COP CAR
By Bob Walsh
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 10, 2013
Anthony Sanchez, 32, is a former guest of the state and was out on parole when busted by the San Jose PD about 0330 on Wednesday morning. He was holding, so they gaffled him up and put him in the middle seat of the unmarked and uncaged mini-van. He is a big fellow, so he was wearing two sets of cuffs. While the cops were retrieving their paperwork he stepped through the cuffs, climbed into the front seat, started the van and drove off. The van was recovered a couple of hours later, minus Sanchez.
I wonder if stealing a police vehicle is considered to be a non-serious offense [under Gov. Moonbeam’s prison realignment]? Just wondering.
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 10, 2013
Anthony Sanchez, 32, is a former guest of the state and was out on parole when busted by the San Jose PD about 0330 on Wednesday morning. He was holding, so they gaffled him up and put him in the middle seat of the unmarked and uncaged mini-van. He is a big fellow, so he was wearing two sets of cuffs. While the cops were retrieving their paperwork he stepped through the cuffs, climbed into the front seat, started the van and drove off. The van was recovered a couple of hours later, minus Sanchez.
I wonder if stealing a police vehicle is considered to be a non-serious offense [under Gov. Moonbeam’s prison realignment]? Just wondering.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)