METEOR MISTAKEN FOR INCOMING BALLISTIC MISSILE

Chinese sources tell The Unconventional Gazette that China shot down a ballistic missile over Russia as it headed toward Beijing after having been launched by the United States

by Adolf der Schweinehund

The Unconventional Gazette / February 16, 2012

CHELYABINSK, RUSSIA – People in this city 900 miles east of Moscow are still in shock over the explosion of a 40-ton meteor traveling overhead at 33,000 mph. The explosion Friday damaged over 4,000 buildings and injured more than 1,200 people.

Although international astronomers and physicists insist that the object which flashed across the sky was a meteor, Chinese sources tell The Unconventional Gazette that the object was not a meteor, but a ballistic missile headed toward Beijing that was launched by the United States.

Ching Wang Peng, a spokesman for the People’s Liberation Army, said Defense Minister General Liang Guanglie ordered the PLA to intercept the incoming missile with China’s newly operational kinetic kill ABM. China’s new leader, Xi Jinping, congratulated Gen. Guanglie on the successful missile interception.

Russian President Vladimir Putin called Xi Jinping to protest China’s missile launch over Russia:

__“When you blew up that meteor into small pieces you cost my country billions of rubles in tourism business,” Putin scolded the Chinese leader.

__Xi Jinping replied, “What are you talking about Vlad? What meteor? We shot down an American missile that was headed toward Beijing.”

__Putin then asked, “What’s that? The Americans launched a missile at you that invaded our airspace? Are you sure?”

__”That’s what my defense minister told me,” answered Xi Jinping.

__Putin then said, “Well, there’s no sense in calling Obama. He’ll just blame it all on Bush.”

The Chinese leader has called for an emergency session of the U.N. Security Council to protest America’s unprovoked attack against the peaceful People’s Republic of China.

In a hastily called press conference, President Obama strongly denied that the United States had launched a missile against anyone. “I want to assure Mr. Putin and Xi Jinping that as long as I am in the White House, the United States will never fire a missile over Russia or against China, and not even against North Korea or Iran … against Israel maybe,” said the president.

Outgoing Defense Secretary Leon Panetta told The Unconventional Gazette that “The Chinese are crazy! Crazy is what they are!”

While visiting the Islamic Center of Washington to address a gathering of Muslim clerics, newly appointed Secretary of State John Kerry said, “I have a strong suspicion that Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu was behind this grave incident.”

UPDATE February 17, 2013

MOSCOW – Our sources in the Kremlin inform us that less than two hours after Kerry’s remarks to Muslim clerics at the Islamic Center of Washington, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas sent President Putin this cable:

__"My dear friend Vlad. I have just been informed that U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has told a group of Muslim clerics that Netanyahu was behind the explosion that occurred over the city of Chelyabinsk. When I heard about the explosion, I immediately suspected that the Jews were to blame for this catastrophe. Now you can see why I will not sit down to negotiate a peace with the Netanyahu led Zionists. Rest assured that the Palestinian Authority stands ready to assist you in punishing the Jews for their despicable act. Your faithful friend - Mahmoud"