MERRY CORONAVIRUS

Like millions of other Americans, I disregarded the CDC warning to stay put and went off to celebrate Christmas away from home ..... for a Merry Coronavirus at the hospital

 

By Howie Katz

By now, most of you must have noted my absence from BGB.  Like millions of other Americans, I disregarded the CDC warning to stay home and went off to celebrate Christmas away from home.

Well, it wasn't exactly like that.  After two hard falls within a 19-hour period on December 22, my son took me to the emergency room at Clear Lake Regional Medical Center.  The ER nurse was very proficient, giving me a thorough examination.  

A nursing student from College of the Mainland where I taught criminal justice for years, started to take my temperature when I noticed she was about to stick a rectal thermometer in my mouth.   When I said, "whoa there young lady, do you realize you're about to stick a rectal thermometer in my mouth," shy became hysterical, ran out of the ER bay and yelled,"you can stick it up your ass!" 

The regular nurse laughed and told me not to worry, that she always became hysterical whenever someone questioned what she was doing. Anyhow, my temperature was over 101 and a coronavirus test showed that I was suffering from COVID-19.  They put me in an adjacent holding room waiting for a regular hospital room to come available.  

After about 4-hours the nursing student shows up and tells me she's taking me to a room.  She rolls me down a long hallway till we get to a dead end.  The hallway to the right reads "Main Tower" and the hallway to the let reads "Pathology."  Guess which way she turned?  That's right, to the left.  After rolling me down this hallway, we come to a set of double doors guarded by a man sleeping behind a desk.  She barged right on by until we found ourselves in a long and cold dark room with about a dozen beds holding bodies covered by white sheets.  "Holy shit!" I yelled, "we're in the morgue!"  The nursing student promptly passed out.  After about 15-minutes, someone heard me yelling and took me to my room.  As for that nursing student, she needs to switch from nursing to cosmetology just as soon as they pick her up off the floor.

Seriously though, I spent seven-days in the hospital including Christmas day.  I got back home Tuesday evening.  I feel terrible because I'm constipated.

NOTE: I've got word fro Bob Walsh and all those who mock the lockdowns and the wearing of masks and social distancing.  Stop mocking those measures!  I've now caught coronavirus, albeit a mild case, and it's no mocking matter.