SCHOOLS THE FIRST TO GO AS SOON AS U.S. TROOPS LEAVE AFGHANISTAN

The Onion | October 15, 2015

KUNDUZ, AFGHANISTAN—Claiming that the recent extension of U.S. military presence in Afghanistan was only a minor setback, Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor confirmed Thursday that the Islamic fundamentalists already know which Westernized schools will go first once American forces withdraw.

“We already have a shortlist of the most modern, progressive schools to be burned to the ground on day one, so we have to sit tight just a little longer,” said Mullah Mansoor, adding that the Taliban has for years been monitoring Afghan schools for Western texts, girls in the classroom, and any other blasphemous feature that suggests an educational approach outside the strictest form of fundamentalist Islam. “Obviously, all the Westernized schools are going to be shut down and destroyed eventually, but there are some obvious starting points.”

Mullah Mansoor went on to say that if he was lucky, an errant U.S. drone strike might even take care of one or two schools for him.