RICK PERRY: ‘THIS MEANS WAR’

The governor is incensed at the Russians for grabbing The National Beer of Texas

Pabst Brewing Company, which owns Pabst Blue Ribbon, Lone Star, Rainier, Ballantine IPA, Schlitz, Old Style, Stroh’s and Old Milwaukee beer brands is being acquired by Oasis Beverages, a Russian beer and soft drink company. Lone Star beer is known as The National Beer of Texas.

The Unconventional Gazette contacted Texas Governor Rick Perry to get his take on the sale of Pabst Brewing Company to the Russians.

TUG: Gov. Perry, how do you feel about the Russians taking over Lone Star beer?

PERRY: I’ll tell you how I feel. This means war! I have sent an urgent message to President Obama demanding that he do something about this, like threaten Putin with war. The Russians grabbing Lone Star beer is like the Russians grabbing a piece of Texas. We ain’t the Ukraine. Forget the border crisis. I’m pulling our National Guard troops and the DPS away from the border and moving them to San Antonio to surround the Lone Star brewery to keep those damn Russians out.

TUG: But Governor, there is no Lone Star brewery in San Antonio. That brewery shut down years ago. Lone Star beer is now brewed by the Miller Brewing Company in Fort Worth. They’re brewing it under a contract with Pabst. The old brewery in San Antonio is now a museum.

PERRY: I didn’t know that. Are you sure it’s not brewed in San Antonio anymore? Damn it, now I’ve had the Guard and DPS surround a museum. Well, it really doesn’t matter … I’ll have the National Guard and DPS surround that brewery in Ft. Worth. The pride of Texas is at stake here. Hey Kathy [to Kathy Walt, his chief of staff], get ahold of Len [Major General William Smith] and get him to move those troops out of San Antone pronto and have them surround the Miller Brewing Company in Fort Worth. And get those DPS units moved too.

TUG: Governor, you know that President Obama has imposed sanctions against Russia for taking over the Crimea and for helping the rebels in Eastern Ukraine revolt. Once the sale to the Russians is completed, he could order a boycott of Lone Star beer.

PERRY: Hey, we’re talking about The National Beer of Texas. If it comes down to that, I don’t care whether the Russians, the Chinese or even the North Koreans own it. It’s still The National Beer of Texas. We have a saying down here: Don’t Mess With Texas. Do you hear that Mr. Obama? The president will be well advised to straighten this out and keep the Russians out. If he can’t do that, we should go to war and give Putin a good ass licking.

We managed to contact Russian President Vladimir Putin, and while he turned us down for an interview, he did release the following statement:

Kha , chto idiot Obamu postavil sanktsii protiv nas. Nu dva mozhet igrat' v etoy igre. YA ponimayu, chto sredi piva Oasis stanovitsya v Natsional'nyy Pivo Tekhas. Kha-kha , chto sdelayet Obamu poryadka tekhastsy v prekratit' pit' pivo . Eto sanktsii , vy znayete . A eto mozhet privesti k Shtat Tekhas , chtoby secete . Smotret' , my mozhem perekhitrit' Obamu s yego sanktsii . Kha-kha , vse te, Tekhas kto p'yet pivo budet byt' real'nym pissed-proch'.

Translation: Ha, that idiot Obama has put sanctions against us. Well two can play at that game. I understand that among the beers Oasis is getting The National Beer of Texas. Haha, that will make Obama order Texans to stop drinking beer. It’s the sanctions, you know. And that could cause the state of Texas to secede. See, we can outsmart Obama with his sanctions. Haha, all those Texas beer drinkers will be real pissed-off.

We also contacted country singer Willie Nelson who has long promoted Lone Star beer.

TUG: Willie, how do you feel about the Russians acquiring Lone Star beer?

NELSON: I’ll be damned, when did they do that? I sure as hell don’t like it. You know, next to smoking pot, drinking is my favorite pastime and Lone Star has been my favorite beer forever. Well, as long as the Russians keep making it the same way, I’ll keep drinking it … I’ll drink it together with toking up some pot … that’ll make me forget the Russians.

The Unconventional Gazette contacted a number of ordinary Texans, but we don't dare print what they said. However, many expressed a strong desire to secede from the Union if Obama orders a boycott of Lone Star beer.