Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack issues emergency order after Danish and Swedish scientists discover huge plumes of methane leaking from the Arctic Ocean floor into the atmosphere
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama acted swiftly and decisively in response to studies by scientists from the Geological Survey of Denmark and Greenland and scientists at Stockholm University which found huge plumes of methane leaking from the Arctic Ocean floor into the atmosphere.
The release of man-made carbon dioxide is widely recognized as a major factor in global warming. But methane is 23 times more potent than CO2 in trapping heat.
The Danish and Swedish scientists found that other scientists were mistaken in the belief that methane bubbles escaping from the Arctic Ocean floor would dissolve before they reached the surface. They warned that the release of methane will be catastrophic for mankind.
Dr. Jason Box, a widely published climatologist who is currently a professor of glaciology at the Geological Survey of Denmark and Greenland, has been studying the Arctic for decades. Dr. Box said, “If even a small fraction of Arctic sea floor carbon is released to the atmosphere, we're fucked.” Box added, “We’re on a trajectory to an unmanageable heating scenario and we need to get off it. We’re fucked at a certain point, right? It just becomes unmanageable. The climate dragon is being poked, and eventually the dragon becomes pissed off enough to trash the place.”
On Friday, President Obama held an impromptu press conference in the White House Rose Garden. With Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack at his side, Obama said that while we cannot do much about methane escaping from the Arctic Ocean floor, we can take other steps to reduce methane emissions into the atmosphere.
“As I understand it,” said Obama, “a substantial amount of methane is released into the atmosphere every day as a result of gas flatulence by cattle and other livestock. I’ve just come from an emergency session of my Council of Advisors on Science and Technology. The Council agrees there is cause for alarm and recommended that, in order to reduce the emissions of methane into the atmosphere, we feed our livestock gas flatulence medications. I’ve got to leave now because tomorrow Michelle, the kids and I are starting our vacation at Martha’s Vineyard, so I’m turning you folks over to Secretary Vilsack.”
“Thank you Mr. President,” said Vilsack. “Just as soon as I get back to my office, I will issue an emergency order to all farmers and ranchers that all cattle and other livestock must be fed Gas-X Extra daily. At this very moment, our scientists are determining the amounts Gas-X Extra that will need to be fed to different kinds of livestock. And let me urge you to advise all Americans to cut down on their consumption of beans, broccoli, soft drinks and other gaseous foods because every little bit will help. Considering the extreme seriousness of gas flatulence among livestock, I must return to my office immediately. Thank you all for coming.”
Shares of Novartis Consumer Health, the maker of Gas-X and Gas-X Extra, soared 700 percent immediately after Secretary Vilsack’s announcement.
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