Timothy Ray Murray claims incumbent Rep. Frank Lucas was executed by the World Court in January 2011 and replaced with a ‘robot-look-alike’
BarkGrowlBite | June 30, 2014
On Saturday I posted WE HAVE BEEN INVADED BY ALIENS FROM THE PLANET ZOLTRON about Calquan Burr, a Michigan man who jumped on a police car and claimed to be from the Planet Zoltron. That cop car-jumper must be from the Planet Zoltran as he claims because no one on Planet Earth would ever be named Calquan. I wondered if there are other Zoltronans among us that we are not yet aware of.
Bob Walsh responded by saying, “I think one lives about three houses down from me.” Ah, but now we have definite proof from an Oklahoma congressional race that aliens from the Planet Zolton are indeed among us.
Rep. Frank Lucas, a Republican, has represented Oklahoma’s 3 rd Congressional District for 10 terms and is seeking another term. In the Republican primary he had two challengers. One of them, Timothy Ray Murray, must be from the Planet Zoltron because he claims that Lucas was replaced by a "a robot look-alike" three years ago after he had been executed in Southern Ukraine by the World Court.
Here is what Zoltronan Murray said on his webpage:
Rep. Frank Lucas, and a few other Oklahoma and other States’ Congressional Members were depicted as being executed by The World Court on or about Jan. 11, 2011 in Southern Ukraine. On television they were depicted as being executed by the hanging about the neck until death on a white stage and in front of witnesses. Other now current Members of Congress have shared those facts on television also. We know that it is possible to use look alike artificial or man-made replacements, however Rep. Lucas was not eligible to serve as a Congressional Member after that time.
This is a situation similar to the Senators’ from Kentucky situation in the 2012 election. I am contesting that this matter has happen since his election was blocked, because of the U.S. Defense Department’s use of Mr. Murray’s DNA. To my knowledge, the U.S. Defense Department has not released to the public that information, as it is their confidential information about many people. Congress is likely wanting me to state that all my DNA used will not result in benefits to people I have never had relations with of a family nature. I have been bound to protect that information unless it causes harm to The People.
To dispel any doubts, Murray adds:
I, Timothy Ray Murray, am a human, born in Oklahoma, and obtained and continue to fully meet the requirements to serve as U.S. Representative when honored to do so. I will never use a look alike to replace my (The Office's) message to you or to anyone else, as both the other Republican Challengers have.
Based on what he said on his webpage, I cannot believe that Murray is either a human or that he was born in Oklahoma. That state has turned out its share of weirdos, but none like the far-out Murray. As a matter of fact, he is so far out that he has to be one of Calquan Burr’s fellow Zoltonans.
But not to worry, the candidate from Zoltron got only five percent of the Republican primary vote. There can be little doubt that most of those who voted for Murray have got to be aliens from the Planet Zoltron. And the Murray supporters who are not from that far out planet must have been Democrats who got lost and voted in the Republican primary by mistake.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
CALIFORNIA CONDO OCCUPANT FROM HELL
Julie Rodenhuis is roosting in the San Luis Obispo County jail after spraying a weed killer in the face of a seven-year-old girl at the Grover Beach condominium complex where both lived
BarkGrowlBite | June 29, 2014
Four years ago, Julie Rodenhuis, 60, moved into a condo in the California community of Grover Beach, 90 miles north of Santa Barbara. She has had a continuous number of run-ins with other residents of the condominium complex. Her neighbors have been trying to get her kicked out of the complex.
On Wednesday, a little seven-year-old girl was playing in the condo swimming pool when she splashed some water on Rodenhuis. The old bitch got pissed off and sprayed some poisonous weed killer in the face and eyes of the little girl.
The victim was taken to a hospital by paramedics where she was treated and later released.
The cops took Rodenhuis to the San Luis Obispo County jail. She is being charged with three felonies: Assault with a deadly weapon, battery with serious injury and child endangerment. Bail has been set at $100,000.
If ole Julie doesn’t get probation, she will be moved into a state condo where she’ll get the supreme shit kicked out of her if she goes on having run-ins with her ‘neighbors’ at the new complex.
BarkGrowlBite | June 29, 2014
Four years ago, Julie Rodenhuis, 60, moved into a condo in the California community of Grover Beach, 90 miles north of Santa Barbara. She has had a continuous number of run-ins with other residents of the condominium complex. Her neighbors have been trying to get her kicked out of the complex.
On Wednesday, a little seven-year-old girl was playing in the condo swimming pool when she splashed some water on Rodenhuis. The old bitch got pissed off and sprayed some poisonous weed killer in the face and eyes of the little girl.
The victim was taken to a hospital by paramedics where she was treated and later released.
The cops took Rodenhuis to the San Luis Obispo County jail. She is being charged with three felonies: Assault with a deadly weapon, battery with serious injury and child endangerment. Bail has been set at $100,000.
If ole Julie doesn’t get probation, she will be moved into a state condo where she’ll get the supreme shit kicked out of her if she goes on having run-ins with her ‘neighbors’ at the new complex.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
WE HAVE BEEN INVADED BY ALIENS FROM THE PLANET ZOLTRON
Calquan must have gotten scorched by the sun during his journey from Zoltron to Earth because his skin was all black when he jumped a Michigan police car
BarkGrowlBite | June 28, 2014
Calquan Burr must be from the Planet Zoltran as he claims because no one on Planet Earth would ever be named Calquan. I wonder if there are other Zoltronans among us that we are not yet aware of.
MAN FROM ‘PLANET ZOLTRON’ JUMPS ON POLICE CRUISER
By Christopher Zoladz and Jon Mills
WZZM
June 26, 2014
DALTON TOWNSHIP, Mich. – Dash cam video shows a shirtless man jumping on the windshield of a Muskegon County Sheriff's Department cruiser.
The incident happened around 11 p.m. Sunday when a homeowner near Blue Lake and Duff roads called police about a man with a four foot metal pole checking windows and doors of her home.
When a deputy arrived, the man, who authorities identify as 20-year-old Calquan Burr of Twin Lake, charged his vehicle and leaped on the windshield.
"The officers rounds the corner and it is dark out -- he had no time to react. The guy is already running at the car. He almost had zero time to respond and there was no time to avoid him," said Lt. Shane Brown of the Muskegon County Sheriff's Department.
Burr dropped his pipe and was arrested. He told deputies he was from the planet Zoltron and was trying to crush the car. Police suspect he was under the influence of mind-altering drugs.
Burr is charged with aggravated felonious assault against a police officer and larceny. The deputy's car was dented and the windshield smashed; Burr was not injured.
BarkGrowlBite | June 28, 2014
Calquan Burr must be from the Planet Zoltran as he claims because no one on Planet Earth would ever be named Calquan. I wonder if there are other Zoltronans among us that we are not yet aware of.
MAN FROM ‘PLANET ZOLTRON’ JUMPS ON POLICE CRUISER
By Christopher Zoladz and Jon Mills
WZZM
June 26, 2014
DALTON TOWNSHIP, Mich. – Dash cam video shows a shirtless man jumping on the windshield of a Muskegon County Sheriff's Department cruiser.
The incident happened around 11 p.m. Sunday when a homeowner near Blue Lake and Duff roads called police about a man with a four foot metal pole checking windows and doors of her home.
When a deputy arrived, the man, who authorities identify as 20-year-old Calquan Burr of Twin Lake, charged his vehicle and leaped on the windshield.
"The officers rounds the corner and it is dark out -- he had no time to react. The guy is already running at the car. He almost had zero time to respond and there was no time to avoid him," said Lt. Shane Brown of the Muskegon County Sheriff's Department.
Burr dropped his pipe and was arrested. He told deputies he was from the planet Zoltron and was trying to crush the car. Police suspect he was under the influence of mind-altering drugs.
Burr is charged with aggravated felonious assault against a police officer and larceny. The deputy's car was dented and the windshield smashed; Burr was not injured.
Friday, June 27, 2014
EXPLODING TOILETS NO LAUGHING MATTER
Public toilets using a Series 503 Flushmate III Pressure Assist system are liable to explode
BarkGrowlBite | June 27, 2014
If you’re pooping on a public toilet and the tank explodes, you are going to be picking porcelain shards out of your ass and backside. The guilty Flushmate system can also be found in some home toilets.
‘IT SOUNDED LIKE A HUGE BOMB WENT OFF’: TOILET EXPLODES AT COURTHOUSE MOMENTS AFTER WOMAN USED IT
The toilet that shattered at Stillwater County Courthouse in Montana this week used a Flushmate system which had been recalled two years ago as stored pressure causes the tank to explode
Mai Online
June 26, 2014
A woman narrowly escaped injury after a courthouse toilet exploded moments after she used it.
Norma Brewer was leaving a bathroom stall at Montana's Stillwater County Courthouse on Tuesday when the toilet's porcelain tank shattered. She said she's lucky to be alive.
'I had just closed the door behind me when it went off,' the Stillwater County deputy treasurer told Billings Gazette.
'That saved me. But it sounded like a huge bomb went off in this courthouse.'
The explosion scattered shards of porcelain through the stall and restroom.
Brewer said the toilet used a Series 503 Flushmate III Pressure Assist system, for which the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a voluntary recall in 2012.
According to the press release, 'the system can burst at or near the vessel weld seam releasing stored pressure.
'This pressure can lift the tank lid and shatter the tank, posing impact or laceration hazards to consumers and property damage.'
Flushmate said it had received 304 reports of the system - a plastic two-piece device installed in toilet tanks - bursting and causing damage.
Brewer said the county will replace five toilets in the courthouse following the explosion.
She told Mail Online a nearby assisted living facility also used the toilet system and urged households and businesses to check their toilet model.
BarkGrowlBite | June 27, 2014
If you’re pooping on a public toilet and the tank explodes, you are going to be picking porcelain shards out of your ass and backside. The guilty Flushmate system can also be found in some home toilets.
‘IT SOUNDED LIKE A HUGE BOMB WENT OFF’: TOILET EXPLODES AT COURTHOUSE MOMENTS AFTER WOMAN USED IT
The toilet that shattered at Stillwater County Courthouse in Montana this week used a Flushmate system which had been recalled two years ago as stored pressure causes the tank to explode
Mai Online
June 26, 2014
A woman narrowly escaped injury after a courthouse toilet exploded moments after she used it.
Norma Brewer was leaving a bathroom stall at Montana's Stillwater County Courthouse on Tuesday when the toilet's porcelain tank shattered. She said she's lucky to be alive.
'I had just closed the door behind me when it went off,' the Stillwater County deputy treasurer told Billings Gazette.
'That saved me. But it sounded like a huge bomb went off in this courthouse.'
The explosion scattered shards of porcelain through the stall and restroom.
Brewer said the toilet used a Series 503 Flushmate III Pressure Assist system, for which the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a voluntary recall in 2012.
According to the press release, 'the system can burst at or near the vessel weld seam releasing stored pressure.
'This pressure can lift the tank lid and shatter the tank, posing impact or laceration hazards to consumers and property damage.'
Flushmate said it had received 304 reports of the system - a plastic two-piece device installed in toilet tanks - bursting and causing damage.
Brewer said the county will replace five toilets in the courthouse following the explosion.
She told Mail Online a nearby assisted living facility also used the toilet system and urged households and businesses to check their toilet model.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
‘TO DEFEAT THEM, I MUST BECOME THEM,’ JOHN KERRY SAYS WHILE PUTTING ON BLACK FACE MASK
The Onion | June 25, 2014
ERBIL, IRAQ—After meeting with senior Iraqi leaders to discuss the country’s increasing sectarian violence, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry retired to his hotel room Wednesday, where he is said to have donned the black clothing and black face mask commonly worn by ISIS militants while reportedly murmuring to his reflection that in order to defeat one’s enemy, one must become them.
“I must know their strengths, their weaknesses—I must see the world as they do if ever I am to triumph,” the 70-year-old cabinet official said while wrapping a bandolier of ammunition around his waist and over his shoulders, one of several steps Kerry reportedly carefully undertook to “make [himself] one and the same” with the Sunni militant group. “It is said that if you know your enemies as you know yourself, you will be inviolable in many thousands of battles. So it shall be with me. He who is shrewdest shall be victorious.”
The fully black-clad elder statesman was then seen reciting the writings of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, telling himself that “There is no John Kerry; you are Abu Amir now,” and then vanishing into the darkness of the desert night.
ERBIL, IRAQ—After meeting with senior Iraqi leaders to discuss the country’s increasing sectarian violence, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry retired to his hotel room Wednesday, where he is said to have donned the black clothing and black face mask commonly worn by ISIS militants while reportedly murmuring to his reflection that in order to defeat one’s enemy, one must become them.
“I must know their strengths, their weaknesses—I must see the world as they do if ever I am to triumph,” the 70-year-old cabinet official said while wrapping a bandolier of ammunition around his waist and over his shoulders, one of several steps Kerry reportedly carefully undertook to “make [himself] one and the same” with the Sunni militant group. “It is said that if you know your enemies as you know yourself, you will be inviolable in many thousands of battles. So it shall be with me. He who is shrewdest shall be victorious.”
The fully black-clad elder statesman was then seen reciting the writings of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, telling himself that “There is no John Kerry; you are Abu Amir now,” and then vanishing into the darkness of the desert night.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
U.S. EXCHANGE STUDENT GETS FEET STUCK INSIDE GERMAN VAGIANA
No, it wasn’t some fraulein’s genitals, it was a stone sculpture of a vagina at Tubingen University
BarkGrowlBite | June 24. 2014
Tubingen University in southwest Germany has a giant stone sculpture of a vagina on its campus. The 32-ton red Veronese marble sculpture was erected – no pun intended - 13 years ago and was commissioned for $173,000 from Peruvian artist Fernando de la Jara. It is called "Pi-Chacan," which means "making love" in English.
Lots of people have had their picture taken while standing inside the stone vulva. And so there was nothing unusual about a young American exchange student wanting to have a friend take a funny picture of him posing inside the vagina.
On Friday, the American stepped inside the sculpture and oops – make that a great big oops – his feet got stuck in the vagina. Five emergency vehicles and 22 firefighters responded to the scene. Police reported that the ‘midwife’ firefighters eventually ‘delivered’ the student “by hand and without the application of tools.”
Although pictures of the firefighters working to deliver him from the clutches of the vagina spread all over the internet, the embarrassed student remains unidentified.
To avoid any future such mishaps, let me urge Tubingen University to install a large Vaseline dispenser next to the sculpture with a prominent warning sign to use an ample amount of the lubricant so as to facilitate the insertion into and withdrawal from the vagina.
BarkGrowlBite | June 24. 2014
Tubingen University in southwest Germany has a giant stone sculpture of a vagina on its campus. The 32-ton red Veronese marble sculpture was erected – no pun intended - 13 years ago and was commissioned for $173,000 from Peruvian artist Fernando de la Jara. It is called "Pi-Chacan," which means "making love" in English.
Lots of people have had their picture taken while standing inside the stone vulva. And so there was nothing unusual about a young American exchange student wanting to have a friend take a funny picture of him posing inside the vagina.
On Friday, the American stepped inside the sculpture and oops – make that a great big oops – his feet got stuck in the vagina. Five emergency vehicles and 22 firefighters responded to the scene. Police reported that the ‘midwife’ firefighters eventually ‘delivered’ the student “by hand and without the application of tools.”
Although pictures of the firefighters working to deliver him from the clutches of the vagina spread all over the internet, the embarrassed student remains unidentified.
To avoid any future such mishaps, let me urge Tubingen University to install a large Vaseline dispenser next to the sculpture with a prominent warning sign to use an ample amount of the lubricant so as to facilitate the insertion into and withdrawal from the vagina.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
JUST A WEEEEEE BIT, NOT THAT YOU CAN HARDLY TELL
An extraordinarily handsome lawyer decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he went to the home of a client who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the client and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The client simply replied, "They're looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The lawyer dated the first daughter. The next day the client asked for the lawyer's opinion.
"Well," said the lawyer, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell ... pigeon-toed."
The client nodded and suggested the lawyer date one of the other girls. So the lawyer went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the client again asked how things went.
"Well," the lawyer replied, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell,...... cross-eyed."
The client nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the lawyer rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were married right away. Months later the baby was born. When the lawyer visited the nursery he was horrified. The baby was uglier than sin. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the stunning beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained his father-in-law, "she was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ......pregnant when you met her."
Shortly thereafter he went to the home of a client who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the client and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The client simply replied, "They're looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The lawyer dated the first daughter. The next day the client asked for the lawyer's opinion.
"Well," said the lawyer, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell ... pigeon-toed."
The client nodded and suggested the lawyer date one of the other girls. So the lawyer went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the client again asked how things went.
"Well," the lawyer replied, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell,...... cross-eyed."
The client nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the lawyer rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were married right away. Months later the baby was born. When the lawyer visited the nursery he was horrified. The baby was uglier than sin. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the stunning beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained his father-in-law, "she was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ......pregnant when you met her."
Saturday, June 21, 2014
WHO IS GOING TO PAY THE HOSPITAL BILL?
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became highly agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!!"
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became highly agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!!"
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Thursday, June 19, 2014
MISLABELING OF PIZZLE MAKES TEXAS AG SIZZLE
Austin’s MT Supermarket is being sued by the Texas Attorney General’s Office for selling bull peckers for human consumption
BarkGrowlBite | June 19, 2014
KXAN reports the Texas Attorney General’s Office has filed a civil lawsuit against Austin’s MT Supermarket and some of its employees for mislabeling pizzle and selling it for human consumption. For the uninitiated, pizzle is the penis of an animal, in this case bull pecker.
In America, those bull peckers are usually used in chewable dog toys or in certain types of glue. According to KXAN:
The suit alleges a manager and employees at the supermarket took the pizzle from boxes “labeled inedible beef, not intended for use as human food and repackaged the pizzle in consumer size packages, then labeled the pizzle as human food.” The suit goes on to say the defendants labeled the packages to indicate the pizzle was inspected and from a registered source.
The managers and any of the MT Supermarket employees who had a hand in mislabeling the pizzle are subject to a $5,000 fine for duping customers into believing that them thar bull peckers are a delicacy for humans.
The Europeans use dried and ground beef pizzle in soups and drinks because it is thought to be an aphrodisiac. The Asians prize deer pizzle as a boost to stamina and performance – sort of a natural version of Cialis or Viagra. The Chinese fed their athletes deer peckers, believing they would boost the performance of their 2008 Olympics team. It must have worked, because they won 51 gold medals, 21 silver medals and 28 bronze medals, the 100 medals being the most any team won.
As for MT Supermarket “trying to pass off bull dick as notbull dick,” Hair Ball’s Craig Malisow wrote:
We wonder if any customers complained that the meat had an extra-nutty flavor. We wonder if any customers complained that the meat was too hard. We wonder if any customers complained that the meat got bigger in their mouths.
Sorry, but I can’t top that.
BarkGrowlBite | June 19, 2014
KXAN reports the Texas Attorney General’s Office has filed a civil lawsuit against Austin’s MT Supermarket and some of its employees for mislabeling pizzle and selling it for human consumption. For the uninitiated, pizzle is the penis of an animal, in this case bull pecker.
In America, those bull peckers are usually used in chewable dog toys or in certain types of glue. According to KXAN:
The suit alleges a manager and employees at the supermarket took the pizzle from boxes “labeled inedible beef, not intended for use as human food and repackaged the pizzle in consumer size packages, then labeled the pizzle as human food.” The suit goes on to say the defendants labeled the packages to indicate the pizzle was inspected and from a registered source.
The managers and any of the MT Supermarket employees who had a hand in mislabeling the pizzle are subject to a $5,000 fine for duping customers into believing that them thar bull peckers are a delicacy for humans.
The Europeans use dried and ground beef pizzle in soups and drinks because it is thought to be an aphrodisiac. The Asians prize deer pizzle as a boost to stamina and performance – sort of a natural version of Cialis or Viagra. The Chinese fed their athletes deer peckers, believing they would boost the performance of their 2008 Olympics team. It must have worked, because they won 51 gold medals, 21 silver medals and 28 bronze medals, the 100 medals being the most any team won.
As for MT Supermarket “trying to pass off bull dick as notbull dick,” Hair Ball’s Craig Malisow wrote:
We wonder if any customers complained that the meat had an extra-nutty flavor. We wonder if any customers complained that the meat was too hard. We wonder if any customers complained that the meat got bigger in their mouths.
Sorry, but I can’t top that.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
RESIGNING HOUSE LEADER CANTOR REFLECTS ON ALL THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS HE THWARTED
The Onion | June 12, 2014
WASHINGTON—Looking back on his 13-year tenure in the House of Representatives with reverence, resigning House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) reflected on the long list of accomplishments he had thwarted during his time in office, sources confirmed Thursday.
“From obstructing a jobs bill to put Americans back to work in 2011, to derailing gun control measures any time they reached my desk, I feel blessed to have had such an incredible run of preventing productive policies, and even a few pieces of landmark legislation, from ever passing,” said Cantor, explaining that as a young man, he “never would have dreamed” that some day he would be in a position to hinder the entire American lawmaking process and completely neuter dozens of bills. “Of course, I’m disappointed because I thought I had many more years of impeding accomplishments ahead of me, and I’ll be the first to admit that I never quite managed to stall environmental policies as much as I would have liked. But at the end of the day, I’m very proud of how I helped Congress accomplish so little during my time in office.”
Cantor added that he took solace that his legacy of hampering federal policy was secure, and trusted that “many, many more” in his party would be inspired to follow in his footsteps.
WASHINGTON—Looking back on his 13-year tenure in the House of Representatives with reverence, resigning House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) reflected on the long list of accomplishments he had thwarted during his time in office, sources confirmed Thursday.
“From obstructing a jobs bill to put Americans back to work in 2011, to derailing gun control measures any time they reached my desk, I feel blessed to have had such an incredible run of preventing productive policies, and even a few pieces of landmark legislation, from ever passing,” said Cantor, explaining that as a young man, he “never would have dreamed” that some day he would be in a position to hinder the entire American lawmaking process and completely neuter dozens of bills. “Of course, I’m disappointed because I thought I had many more years of impeding accomplishments ahead of me, and I’ll be the first to admit that I never quite managed to stall environmental policies as much as I would have liked. But at the end of the day, I’m very proud of how I helped Congress accomplish so little during my time in office.”
Cantor added that he took solace that his legacy of hampering federal policy was secure, and trusted that “many, many more” in his party would be inspired to follow in his footsteps.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
A DYING MAN RECOUNTS HOW HIS WIFE HAD BEEN BY HIS SIDE THROUGHOUT ALL THE BAD TIMES
By Pamela Putz
Martha visited her dying husband in the hospital.
As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're fucking bad luck."
Martha visited her dying husband in the hospital.
As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're fucking bad luck."
Monday, June 9, 2014
CHARLES MANSON GRANTED PAROLE
By Aaron Smith
Empire News | June 4, 2014
Corcoran, California - One of the most famous killers in the American prison system will soon be walking free.
On Tuesday Charles Manson, who is now 79 years old, was granted parole by the California Board of Parole and authorized by California Governor Jerry Brown.
According to California Board of Parole Hearings Commissioner John Peck, prison overcrowding forced the prison board to re-evaluate prisoners that are elderly or those with serious illnesses. In February a panel of federal judges ordered California Gov. Jerry Brown (D) two more years to reduce chronic prison overcrowding that has cost the state billions of dollars.
The ruling, issued by three judges overseeing the state’s efforts to ease the overcrowding, gives California until February 2016 to achieve their goals. But, the judges said, the state has to make elderly inmates and those with serious illnesses eligible for parole immediately.
Manson, who was denied parole in April of 2012 and wasn’t scheduled for another parole hearing until 2027, was re-evaluated due to his age and health and the Parole Board recommended his parole.
“He is 79 years old and in poor health,” said Commissioner Peck. “We know it’s not going to be a popular decision but, considering our other options, he’s the least threat.”
Protesters have already planned to picket the lawn outside of the prison in Corcoran, but what is more surprising is the number of supporters that have come out to express joy over the news.
“It’s a great [expletive] day in America!” said Joe Goldsmith, who camped out in front of the prison Wednesday morning, decked out in Manson gear and sporting tattoos covering his face. “Manson is my idol”
While parole was granted, the actual release date has not yet been set.
EDITOR’S NOTE: OK folks, don’t get your poopies in an uproar. Charlie ain’t getting out! The Empire News, like The Onion, is a satirical publication.
Empire News | June 4, 2014
Corcoran, California - One of the most famous killers in the American prison system will soon be walking free.
On Tuesday Charles Manson, who is now 79 years old, was granted parole by the California Board of Parole and authorized by California Governor Jerry Brown.
According to California Board of Parole Hearings Commissioner John Peck, prison overcrowding forced the prison board to re-evaluate prisoners that are elderly or those with serious illnesses. In February a panel of federal judges ordered California Gov. Jerry Brown (D) two more years to reduce chronic prison overcrowding that has cost the state billions of dollars.
The ruling, issued by three judges overseeing the state’s efforts to ease the overcrowding, gives California until February 2016 to achieve their goals. But, the judges said, the state has to make elderly inmates and those with serious illnesses eligible for parole immediately.
Manson, who was denied parole in April of 2012 and wasn’t scheduled for another parole hearing until 2027, was re-evaluated due to his age and health and the Parole Board recommended his parole.
“He is 79 years old and in poor health,” said Commissioner Peck. “We know it’s not going to be a popular decision but, considering our other options, he’s the least threat.”
Protesters have already planned to picket the lawn outside of the prison in Corcoran, but what is more surprising is the number of supporters that have come out to express joy over the news.
“It’s a great [expletive] day in America!” said Joe Goldsmith, who camped out in front of the prison Wednesday morning, decked out in Manson gear and sporting tattoos covering his face. “Manson is my idol”
While parole was granted, the actual release date has not yet been set.
EDITOR’S NOTE: OK folks, don’t get your poopies in an uproar. Charlie ain’t getting out! The Empire News, like The Onion, is a satirical publication.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
NYPD OFFERING NO-QUESTIONS-ASKED DVD DROP-OFF
The Onion | June 4, 2014
NEW YORK—Determined to reduce their devastating impact on the local community, the NYPD announced a new amnesty program Wednesday permitting New Yorkers to dispose of their DVDs anonymously and without consequence.
“Over the next week, any DVD—from teen horror flicks, to superhero sequels, to two-disc director’s cuts—can be taken to your local police precinct or any of the designated drop-off locations throughout the city, and we will take it off your hands, no questions asked,” Police Commissioner William Bratton told reporters, noting that in its first few hours, the department had already taken several hundred copies of The Lake House off the streets. “We don’t need to know how you got a copy of Wild Wild West, or how many times you’ve watched The Chronicles Of Riddick; just leave them with us and we’ll make sure no one ever uses them again.”
The NYPD program comes on the heels of a successful buyback initiative in Philadelphia, which hasn’t reported a single incidence of Patch Adams since March.
NEW YORK—Determined to reduce their devastating impact on the local community, the NYPD announced a new amnesty program Wednesday permitting New Yorkers to dispose of their DVDs anonymously and without consequence.
“Over the next week, any DVD—from teen horror flicks, to superhero sequels, to two-disc director’s cuts—can be taken to your local police precinct or any of the designated drop-off locations throughout the city, and we will take it off your hands, no questions asked,” Police Commissioner William Bratton told reporters, noting that in its first few hours, the department had already taken several hundred copies of The Lake House off the streets. “We don’t need to know how you got a copy of Wild Wild West, or how many times you’ve watched The Chronicles Of Riddick; just leave them with us and we’ll make sure no one ever uses them again.”
The NYPD program comes on the heels of a successful buyback initiative in Philadelphia, which hasn’t reported a single incidence of Patch Adams since March.
Friday, June 6, 2014
COOK AT NEW MEXICO CORRECTIONAL FACILITY SHOWS DISLIKE FOR PROBATION/PAROLE OFFICERS
Yolanda Arguello will likely come under the supervision of the probation/parole officers whose food she deliberately contaminated
In 1969-70, when I was on the faculty of Sam Houston State University, I volunteered to conduct group therapy sessions for trouble-making inmates at the Ferguson Unit of the Texas prison system. I decided to brown-bag it after I was warned not to eat the chow provided to correctional officers and other prison workers because the inmates who worked in the staff kitchen would often spit and, from time to time, jack off, piss and even shit onto the meals they were preparing. That did not stop most correctional officers from chomping down the free chow.
In this particular case, it appears the offending cook was a paid civilian employee who, for some reason, had a strong dislike for New Mexico’s probation/parole officers. I suspect her dislike will be even greater once she comes under their supervision.
“MISS YOLANDA LICKS YOUR GUYS SANDWICHES”
the smoking gun
May 30, 2014
A 59-year-old cook licked food items that she later served to probation and parole officers at a New Mexico correctional facility, according to a criminal complaint charging the woman with battery on law enforcement officers.
Yolanda Arguello, who worked in the kitchen at the New Mexico Women's Recovery Academy in Albuquerque, is accused of licking pieces of cheese placed on sandwiches that she served earlier this year to three peace officers.
Witnesses also told investigators that Arguello, seen at right, also tampered with ice cubes. The complaint charges that she would suck on ice cubes and then spit them into cups in which drinks were served to victims. One witness recalled seeing Arguello dump a pitcher of ice on the floor, then “put the ice…back in the pitcher, then put tea in the pitcher before giving it to Probation and Parole Officers.”
The Women's Recovery Academy provides residential “reentry treatment services” to women referred through the prison and court systems.
The probe of Arguello began last week when Agnes Granado--an academy resident who had just been arrested--complained to her probation/parole officer about “corruption” at the state facility. When prompted for further details, Granado answered, “Miss Yolanda licks your guys sandwiches.”
In subsequent interviews with five other residents, investigators learned of the alleged cheese licking and ice cube sucking. Elisa Welch said she heard Arguello (seen at left) say, “I don’t work for Probation/Parole, I don’t have to serve them. I will show them who is special, better than others.” Welch said she was “appalled” by the food licking, but did not tell anyone because “she was afraid of retaliation and was afraid of getting fired from kitchen duty.”
Another resident recalled that when an officer asked for a grilled cheese sandwich, “Yolanda stated that she was going to make a special grilled cheese. Yolanda took some cheese, licked it, and put it on some bread to make a grilled cheese sandwich.”
Charged with three felony counts of battery upon a peace officer--for intentionally contaminating food with her saliva--Arguello was freed on bond after her booking at the Bernalillo County jail.
In 1969-70, when I was on the faculty of Sam Houston State University, I volunteered to conduct group therapy sessions for trouble-making inmates at the Ferguson Unit of the Texas prison system. I decided to brown-bag it after I was warned not to eat the chow provided to correctional officers and other prison workers because the inmates who worked in the staff kitchen would often spit and, from time to time, jack off, piss and even shit onto the meals they were preparing. That did not stop most correctional officers from chomping down the free chow.
In this particular case, it appears the offending cook was a paid civilian employee who, for some reason, had a strong dislike for New Mexico’s probation/parole officers. I suspect her dislike will be even greater once she comes under their supervision.
“MISS YOLANDA LICKS YOUR GUYS SANDWICHES”
the smoking gun
May 30, 2014
A 59-year-old cook licked food items that she later served to probation and parole officers at a New Mexico correctional facility, according to a criminal complaint charging the woman with battery on law enforcement officers.
Yolanda Arguello, who worked in the kitchen at the New Mexico Women's Recovery Academy in Albuquerque, is accused of licking pieces of cheese placed on sandwiches that she served earlier this year to three peace officers.
Witnesses also told investigators that Arguello, seen at right, also tampered with ice cubes. The complaint charges that she would suck on ice cubes and then spit them into cups in which drinks were served to victims. One witness recalled seeing Arguello dump a pitcher of ice on the floor, then “put the ice…back in the pitcher, then put tea in the pitcher before giving it to Probation and Parole Officers.”
The Women's Recovery Academy provides residential “reentry treatment services” to women referred through the prison and court systems.
The probe of Arguello began last week when Agnes Granado--an academy resident who had just been arrested--complained to her probation/parole officer about “corruption” at the state facility. When prompted for further details, Granado answered, “Miss Yolanda licks your guys sandwiches.”
In subsequent interviews with five other residents, investigators learned of the alleged cheese licking and ice cube sucking. Elisa Welch said she heard Arguello (seen at left) say, “I don’t work for Probation/Parole, I don’t have to serve them. I will show them who is special, better than others.” Welch said she was “appalled” by the food licking, but did not tell anyone because “she was afraid of retaliation and was afraid of getting fired from kitchen duty.”
Another resident recalled that when an officer asked for a grilled cheese sandwich, “Yolanda stated that she was going to make a special grilled cheese. Yolanda took some cheese, licked it, and put it on some bread to make a grilled cheese sandwich.”
Charged with three felony counts of battery upon a peace officer--for intentionally contaminating food with her saliva--Arguello was freed on bond after her booking at the Bernalillo County jail.
NEW YORK MAYOR FIGHTS POLLUTION FROM COAL-OVEN PIZZERIAS
Bill de Blasio is requiring that expensive filters be installed on the chimneys of coal-ovens used to make pizzas
New York’s far-left, Sandinista-loving, wacko mayor apparently believes the Big Apple’s relatively few coal-fired pizza ovens are a major contributor to the city’s air pollution. Thankfully, pro-business Houston, as Ken Hoffman points out, does not consider its coal-oven pizzerias as contributing to air pollution.
NEW YORK MADNESS
By Ken Hoffman
Houston Chronicle
June 5, 2014
I don't live in New York City, but I demand a recount from the last mayoral election. Mayor Bill de Blasio is pushing a new regulation that would require coal-oven pizzerias to install expensive filters on their chimneys. He's talking about legendary pizza joints like Lombardi's in Little Italy, John's on Bleecker Street in the Village, Totonno's in Coney Island, Patsy's in East Harlem and Grimaldi's by the Brooklyn Bridge.
In a city as big as the Apple, with a billion cabs clogging every intersection, exactly how much pollution is caused by coal-oven pizzerias? We're talking fewer than a dozen joints. Why hassle the best thing New York has going? It's not like these places are putting out foul odors. Pollution never smelled this wonderful.
Thankfully, coal-oven pizzerias continue unfettered and unfiltered in pro-business greater Houston. My favorite: Grimaldi's in Town Square Mall, Sugar Land. Grimaldi's also has a restaurant in Katy and one in The Woodlands.
New York’s far-left, Sandinista-loving, wacko mayor apparently believes the Big Apple’s relatively few coal-fired pizza ovens are a major contributor to the city’s air pollution. Thankfully, pro-business Houston, as Ken Hoffman points out, does not consider its coal-oven pizzerias as contributing to air pollution.
NEW YORK MADNESS
By Ken Hoffman
Houston Chronicle
June 5, 2014
I don't live in New York City, but I demand a recount from the last mayoral election. Mayor Bill de Blasio is pushing a new regulation that would require coal-oven pizzerias to install expensive filters on their chimneys. He's talking about legendary pizza joints like Lombardi's in Little Italy, John's on Bleecker Street in the Village, Totonno's in Coney Island, Patsy's in East Harlem and Grimaldi's by the Brooklyn Bridge.
In a city as big as the Apple, with a billion cabs clogging every intersection, exactly how much pollution is caused by coal-oven pizzerias? We're talking fewer than a dozen joints. Why hassle the best thing New York has going? It's not like these places are putting out foul odors. Pollution never smelled this wonderful.
Thankfully, coal-oven pizzerias continue unfettered and unfiltered in pro-business greater Houston. My favorite: Grimaldi's in Town Square Mall, Sugar Land. Grimaldi's also has a restaurant in Katy and one in The Woodlands.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
HILLARY THE HUN
Macho man-talking Hillary is likely to become the first woman president
This has been all over the internet. I haven’t checked the books listed to see if these quotes are really there, but it does make for some interesting reading. And if those quotes are true, Hillary the Hun will not be a wishy-washy Commander-In-Chief.
Notable quotes from Hillary Clinton:
"Where is the Goddamn fucking flag! I want the Goddamn fucking flag up every morning at fucking sunrise."
_From the book "Inside the White House" by Ronald Kessler, p.244- Hillary to staff at the Arkansas Governor's mansion on Labor Day 1991.
Fuck off! It's enough I have to see you shit-kickers every day, I'm not going to talk to you too!! Just do your Goddamn job and keep your mouth shut."
_From the book "America Evita" by Christopher Anderson, p.90-Hillary to her State Trooper body guards after one of them greeted her with "Good Morning"
"If you want to remain on this detail, get your fucking ass over here and grab those bags!"
_From the book "The First Partner" p.259- Hillary to a Secret Service Agent who was reluctant to carry her luggage because he wanted to keep his hands free in case of an incident.
"Stay the fuck back, stay the fuck back away from me! Don't come within ten yards of me, or else! Just fucking do as I say, Okay!!?"
_From the book "Unlimited Access" by Clinton FBI Agent in Charge, Gary Aldrige, p.139- Hillary screaming at her Secret Service detail.
"Where's the miserable cock sucker!"
_From the book "The Truth About Hillary" by Edward Klein, p.5- Hillary shouting at a Secret Service officer.
"You fucking idiot"
_From the book "Crossfire" p.84-Hillary to a State Trooper who was driving her to an event.
"Put this on the ground! I left my sunglasses in the limo. I need those sunglasses. We need to go back!
_From the book "Dereliction of Duty" p.71-72-- Hillary to Marine One helicopter pilot to turn back while en route to Air Force One.
"Come on Bill, put your dick up! You can't fuck her here!!"
_From the book "Inside the White House" by Ronald Kessler, p.243-Hillary to Gov. Clinton when she spots him talking with an attractive woman.
This has been all over the internet. I haven’t checked the books listed to see if these quotes are really there, but it does make for some interesting reading. And if those quotes are true, Hillary the Hun will not be a wishy-washy Commander-In-Chief.
Notable quotes from Hillary Clinton:
"Where is the Goddamn fucking flag! I want the Goddamn fucking flag up every morning at fucking sunrise."
_From the book "Inside the White House" by Ronald Kessler, p.244- Hillary to staff at the Arkansas Governor's mansion on Labor Day 1991.
Fuck off! It's enough I have to see you shit-kickers every day, I'm not going to talk to you too!! Just do your Goddamn job and keep your mouth shut."
_From the book "America Evita" by Christopher Anderson, p.90-Hillary to her State Trooper body guards after one of them greeted her with "Good Morning"
"If you want to remain on this detail, get your fucking ass over here and grab those bags!"
_From the book "The First Partner" p.259- Hillary to a Secret Service Agent who was reluctant to carry her luggage because he wanted to keep his hands free in case of an incident.
"Stay the fuck back, stay the fuck back away from me! Don't come within ten yards of me, or else! Just fucking do as I say, Okay!!?"
_From the book "Unlimited Access" by Clinton FBI Agent in Charge, Gary Aldrige, p.139- Hillary screaming at her Secret Service detail.
"Where's the miserable cock sucker!"
_From the book "The Truth About Hillary" by Edward Klein, p.5- Hillary shouting at a Secret Service officer.
"You fucking idiot"
_From the book "Crossfire" p.84-Hillary to a State Trooper who was driving her to an event.
"Put this on the ground! I left my sunglasses in the limo. I need those sunglasses. We need to go back!
_From the book "Dereliction of Duty" p.71-72-- Hillary to Marine One helicopter pilot to turn back while en route to Air Force One.
"Come on Bill, put your dick up! You can't fuck her here!!"
_From the book "Inside the White House" by Ronald Kessler, p.243-Hillary to Gov. Clinton when she spots him talking with an attractive woman.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS AND THE OREGON STATE BEAVERS
Here is an email allegedly sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune in response to an op-ed by Page - It's time to change the name of the Washington Redskins | May 4, 2014 - advocating that the Washington Redskins team name be changed:.
Dear Mr. Page,
I always love your articles. And I generally agree with them (NOT!!). I would suggest, as in an email I received, they change the name of the Redskins to the "Foreskins" to pay tribute to the dick heads in Congress who reside in Washington, DC.
Here is some other politically correctness to consider: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.
If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. It’s totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children.
The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidem. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should . Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress loves.
Lastly, as a diehard Oregon State fan with all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "The Beavers."
Larry McGrorty
Dear Mr. Page,
I always love your articles. And I generally agree with them (NOT!!). I would suggest, as in an email I received, they change the name of the Redskins to the "Foreskins" to pay tribute to the dick heads in Congress who reside in Washington, DC.
Here is some other politically correctness to consider: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.
If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. It’s totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children.
The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidem. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should . Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress loves.
Lastly, as a diehard Oregon State fan with all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "The Beavers."
Larry McGrorty
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)