A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began to praise the Lord.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, and he too began to praise the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm on disability."
Monday, March 31, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
60 YEARS PRAYING AT THE WESTERN WALL
Ahhhhh, the wisdom of the aged
A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site, clad in black with a long grey beard. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, what's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall"
A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site, clad in black with a long grey beard. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, what's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall"
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
RELEASED FROM PRISON, ROBS SAME STORE, SAME CLERK
One day after his release from a New Jersey prison, the robber strides right into the same Stride Rite shoe store and holds up the same clerk he robbed 15 years earlier
BarkGrowlBite | March 27, 2014
In 1999, Christopher Miller, then 25, strides right into a Stride Rite shoe store in Tom River, New Jersey. He robbed the store by threatening the female clerks with a box cutter. He forced the employees into a rear storage room and tied them up before leaving with the store’s cash. Miller was quickly caught and ended up being sentenced to 15 years in prison for the shoe store robbery and some other crimes.
On Friday, Miller now 40 was released from prison. On Saturday, he strides right into the same Stride Rite store. The store manager recognized him right away because she was one of the clerks he robbed 15 years earlier. The two employees refused Miller’s demands for them to hand over their car keys and go to the back of the store. An angry Miller ripped out the store’s cash register drawer and took off with $389 in cash and the cellphones belonging to the two employees.
Unfortunately for the same old, same old Miller, a cop caught him just a few blocks away. He had discarded the cellphones in a garbage can and had stuffed the cash inside a storm drain. He is being held in Ocean County jail on $100,000 bail.
A New Jersey state correctional employee said, “The guy is either really stupid or he just really likes it in jail.” I think it’s probably both.
BarkGrowlBite | March 27, 2014
In 1999, Christopher Miller, then 25, strides right into a Stride Rite shoe store in Tom River, New Jersey. He robbed the store by threatening the female clerks with a box cutter. He forced the employees into a rear storage room and tied them up before leaving with the store’s cash. Miller was quickly caught and ended up being sentenced to 15 years in prison for the shoe store robbery and some other crimes.
On Friday, Miller now 40 was released from prison. On Saturday, he strides right into the same Stride Rite store. The store manager recognized him right away because she was one of the clerks he robbed 15 years earlier. The two employees refused Miller’s demands for them to hand over their car keys and go to the back of the store. An angry Miller ripped out the store’s cash register drawer and took off with $389 in cash and the cellphones belonging to the two employees.
Unfortunately for the same old, same old Miller, a cop caught him just a few blocks away. He had discarded the cellphones in a garbage can and had stuffed the cash inside a storm drain. He is being held in Ocean County jail on $100,000 bail.
A New Jersey state correctional employee said, “The guy is either really stupid or he just really likes it in jail.” I think it’s probably both.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
CRIMEA: OBAMA FACES OFF WITH PUTIN OVER RUSSIA'S AGGRESSION AGAINST UKRAINE
In effect, Obama pressures the Israelis more than the Russians.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
POLITICALLY INCORRECT TEXAS SCHOOL PRINCIPAL FIRED FOR TELLING STUDENTS NOT TO SPEAK SPANISH
School board sides with those who advocate allowing students to keep Spanish as their first language
BarkGrowlBite | March 20, 2014
When in 1936 I arrived in this country from Germany, I could not speak a single word of English. In school, I was put in the first grade instead of the fourth. I felt out of place and the first-graders poked fun at my attempts to communicate in some way. There was no bilingual education and I did not learn to speak English in school. I learned English from other kids on the streets of Brooklyn. Once I learned some English, I spoke it around my parents every chance I could because I wanted to break them of the habit of speaking only in German at home. My father, who had held executive positions in Germany, took a job running an elevator until he learned to speak English. I believe I helped him by insisting that my parents speak English at home. In retrospect, I am thankful that I did not have the ‘benefit’ of a bilingual education because it helped me to learn English faster, and collaterally, my parents too.
Hempstead is a small Texas town located about 50 miles west of Huston. It has a large Hispanic population. The majority of students in its school district are Mexican-Americans. Many of those students speak Spanish as their first language. Last December the principal of of Hempstead Middle School announced over the school’s public address system that students will no longer be allowed to speak Spanish in school and on the school grounds. Amy Lacey, the principal, was quickly placed on paid administrative leave by the school board following an uproar by the Hispanic community. And on Monday the board decided not to renew her contract, in effect firing the former principal.
I do not know the motive behind Lacey’s announcement banning the speaking of Spanish. But I do know that a good command of the English language is essential in obtaining a good and well-paying job. Many of the students speaking Spanish as their first language will become school dropouts. Students, who do graduate from high school while still speaking Spanish as their first language, will be relegated to working at menial jobs. The lucky ones will find jobs as skilled construction workers who will earn good wages despite the handicap of speaking poor English.
I am beginning to wonder if the defenders of the Alamo died in vain. And I also wonder who really won the 1846-1848 Mexican-American War. It seems as though Mexico is retaking California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas without firing a shot.
When students in a California school district are not allowed to wear American flag T-shirts for fear of offending Mexican-American students on Cinco de Mayo, when a California high school flies the Mexican flag above the American flag on Cinco de Mayo, and when a Texas school principal is fired for banning the speaking of Spanish in an American public school, then we are well on the way down the road to the states of Mexifornia and Texmexias.
BarkGrowlBite | March 20, 2014
When in 1936 I arrived in this country from Germany, I could not speak a single word of English. In school, I was put in the first grade instead of the fourth. I felt out of place and the first-graders poked fun at my attempts to communicate in some way. There was no bilingual education and I did not learn to speak English in school. I learned English from other kids on the streets of Brooklyn. Once I learned some English, I spoke it around my parents every chance I could because I wanted to break them of the habit of speaking only in German at home. My father, who had held executive positions in Germany, took a job running an elevator until he learned to speak English. I believe I helped him by insisting that my parents speak English at home. In retrospect, I am thankful that I did not have the ‘benefit’ of a bilingual education because it helped me to learn English faster, and collaterally, my parents too.
Hempstead is a small Texas town located about 50 miles west of Huston. It has a large Hispanic population. The majority of students in its school district are Mexican-Americans. Many of those students speak Spanish as their first language. Last December the principal of of Hempstead Middle School announced over the school’s public address system that students will no longer be allowed to speak Spanish in school and on the school grounds. Amy Lacey, the principal, was quickly placed on paid administrative leave by the school board following an uproar by the Hispanic community. And on Monday the board decided not to renew her contract, in effect firing the former principal.
I do not know the motive behind Lacey’s announcement banning the speaking of Spanish. But I do know that a good command of the English language is essential in obtaining a good and well-paying job. Many of the students speaking Spanish as their first language will become school dropouts. Students, who do graduate from high school while still speaking Spanish as their first language, will be relegated to working at menial jobs. The lucky ones will find jobs as skilled construction workers who will earn good wages despite the handicap of speaking poor English.
I am beginning to wonder if the defenders of the Alamo died in vain. And I also wonder who really won the 1846-1848 Mexican-American War. It seems as though Mexico is retaking California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas without firing a shot.
When students in a California school district are not allowed to wear American flag T-shirts for fear of offending Mexican-American students on Cinco de Mayo, when a California high school flies the Mexican flag above the American flag on Cinco de Mayo, and when a Texas school principal is fired for banning the speaking of Spanish in an American public school, then we are well on the way down the road to the states of Mexifornia and Texmexias.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
TENNESSEE WOMAN WITH A LOVE FOR SMOKING MARIJUANA DRIVES CAR INTO CHURCH BECAUSE GOD TOLD HER TO AND STABS HER HUSBAND BECAUSE THE DEVIL MADE HER DO IT
Stephanie Hamman told the cops she had a love for smoking marijuana and had smoked pot all day and all night
BarkGrowlBite | March 19, 2014
Around 10 p.m. Sunday, while her husband Steven was watching a NASCAR race on TV in their apartment across the street, Stephanie Faye Hamman, 23, rammed her car through the front doors of the Providence Church in the small town of Church Hill, Tennessee.
When she called her husband for help, he rushed over to the church and found her lying in front of the altar. He told the police that as he started to attend to her, she up and stabbed him in the right side of his chest with a large kitchen knife, telling him, “The Devil is in me.” Hamman pulled the knife out of his chest and hurried back to the apartment to call for help. Paramedics took him to the hospital where on Monday he was reported to be in fair condition.
After Stephanie was arrested, she told the cops she had a love for smoking marijuana and had been smoking it all day and all night. "I smoke a bunch of weed. I love to smoke it. Sometimes when I do, I start seeing things that others don't. Isn't God good? He told me that this would happen, and just look, I am okay."
She also told the police that “God told me He wanted me in there, so I drove my car through the doors [of the church]. God told me to, so I did it.” Stephanie said the Devil told her to stab Steven because he was worshipping NASCAR.
Stephanie was charged with attempted first-degree murder and felony vandalism. She is being held in Hawkins County jail without bond.
OK, now let me hear it once again: Marijuana is less harmful than alcohol.
BarkGrowlBite | March 19, 2014
Around 10 p.m. Sunday, while her husband Steven was watching a NASCAR race on TV in their apartment across the street, Stephanie Faye Hamman, 23, rammed her car through the front doors of the Providence Church in the small town of Church Hill, Tennessee.
When she called her husband for help, he rushed over to the church and found her lying in front of the altar. He told the police that as he started to attend to her, she up and stabbed him in the right side of his chest with a large kitchen knife, telling him, “The Devil is in me.” Hamman pulled the knife out of his chest and hurried back to the apartment to call for help. Paramedics took him to the hospital where on Monday he was reported to be in fair condition.
After Stephanie was arrested, she told the cops she had a love for smoking marijuana and had been smoking it all day and all night. "I smoke a bunch of weed. I love to smoke it. Sometimes when I do, I start seeing things that others don't. Isn't God good? He told me that this would happen, and just look, I am okay."
She also told the police that “God told me He wanted me in there, so I drove my car through the doors [of the church]. God told me to, so I did it.” Stephanie said the Devil told her to stab Steven because he was worshipping NASCAR.
Stephanie was charged with attempted first-degree murder and felony vandalism. She is being held in Hawkins County jail without bond.
OK, now let me hear it once again: Marijuana is less harmful than alcohol.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
HAIR BALLS’ TAKE ON COMEDIAN KEVIN KLINE IS IN BAD NEED OF SOME MORE GOLF LESSONS
Publicity stunt gets the comedian and Playboy sued after Kline swung at a golf ball placed on top of a tee stuck in the butt of a model
Here is Hair Balls’ write-up on the story which we posted March 15:
PLAYBOY PLAYMATE BUTT CHEEK GOLF TEE STUNT GOES AWRY
By Sean Pendergast
Houston Press Hair Balls
March 18, 2014
Even if you're not a big golf enthusiast, golf tournaments can still be a lot of fun.
That's because good golf tournaments, charity or otherwise, typically have plenty of ancillary agenda items and accouterments to distract you from just how utterly ragged your golf game is. Open bar, hole in one contests, longest drive, free cigars, all of those rank among my favorites.
Then there are the really upscale golf tournaments. And those are the ones where you get a Playboy caliber lady serving as a human driving range mat by wedging a golf tee in between their butt cheeks. Now, those tournaments are the best!
Unless you're Liz Dickson, said human driving range mat.
Dickson is a model and was the winner of Playboy's 2011 "Girl of Playboy Golf" contest. As part of the grand prize, apparently Dickson was granted the privilege of attending the Playboy Golf Finals at the Industry Hills Golf Club in Los Angles in March 2012.
Part of her duties (which she presumably agreed to uphold when she won the contest, kind of like Miss America) consisted of allowing the tournament to use her butt cheeks as a prop in a disaster-waiting-to-happen stunt with the radio host of the Playboy Morning Show, some dude named Kevin Klein.
The stunt was pretty simple -- the golf tee would be inserted in between Dickson's butt cheeks the same way you'd insert a tee for a drive, a ball would be teed up, and Klein would take a swing.
What could possibly go wrong??
A video of the stunt looks innocent enough. I mean, after all, Dickson appears to be smiling and laughing afterward, and the club kind of bounced off of her cheek and didn't appear to hit anything that would resemble bone (i.e. no fractures). Maybe just a bruise.
Well, yeah, there was a bruise. A HUGE ONE. And according to a lawsuit recently filed by Dickson, there was much, much more.
Dickson filed the complaint in Los Angeles Superior Court, alleging battery and negligence. According to TMZ, she is suing for $500K plus punitive damages. In addition to the dinner plate-sized welt on her ass, Dickson's attorney says the swing damaged the model's hip ligaments and nerves. He also says she's incurred more than $33,000 in medical bills so far, and to this day still feels numbness and tingling in her right leg. Also, we would be remiss not to mention the "pain, suffering, worrying and anxiety as a result of her injuries," according to the suit.
Wow, that's a lot of stuff!
Now, allow me to play mock judge on this one and provide a swift and decisive verdict -- um, Liz, you allowed a pudgy, middle aged radio host wearing a headset and microphone to swing a driver near your ass. What the hell did you expect to happen?
This judge rules in favor of Playboy. Case dismissed.
Here is Hair Balls’ write-up on the story which we posted March 15:
PLAYBOY PLAYMATE BUTT CHEEK GOLF TEE STUNT GOES AWRY
By Sean Pendergast
Houston Press Hair Balls
March 18, 2014
Even if you're not a big golf enthusiast, golf tournaments can still be a lot of fun.
That's because good golf tournaments, charity or otherwise, typically have plenty of ancillary agenda items and accouterments to distract you from just how utterly ragged your golf game is. Open bar, hole in one contests, longest drive, free cigars, all of those rank among my favorites.
Then there are the really upscale golf tournaments. And those are the ones where you get a Playboy caliber lady serving as a human driving range mat by wedging a golf tee in between their butt cheeks. Now, those tournaments are the best!
Unless you're Liz Dickson, said human driving range mat.
Dickson is a model and was the winner of Playboy's 2011 "Girl of Playboy Golf" contest. As part of the grand prize, apparently Dickson was granted the privilege of attending the Playboy Golf Finals at the Industry Hills Golf Club in Los Angles in March 2012.
Part of her duties (which she presumably agreed to uphold when she won the contest, kind of like Miss America) consisted of allowing the tournament to use her butt cheeks as a prop in a disaster-waiting-to-happen stunt with the radio host of the Playboy Morning Show, some dude named Kevin Klein.
The stunt was pretty simple -- the golf tee would be inserted in between Dickson's butt cheeks the same way you'd insert a tee for a drive, a ball would be teed up, and Klein would take a swing.
What could possibly go wrong??
A video of the stunt looks innocent enough. I mean, after all, Dickson appears to be smiling and laughing afterward, and the club kind of bounced off of her cheek and didn't appear to hit anything that would resemble bone (i.e. no fractures). Maybe just a bruise.
Well, yeah, there was a bruise. A HUGE ONE. And according to a lawsuit recently filed by Dickson, there was much, much more.
Dickson filed the complaint in Los Angeles Superior Court, alleging battery and negligence. According to TMZ, she is suing for $500K plus punitive damages. In addition to the dinner plate-sized welt on her ass, Dickson's attorney says the swing damaged the model's hip ligaments and nerves. He also says she's incurred more than $33,000 in medical bills so far, and to this day still feels numbness and tingling in her right leg. Also, we would be remiss not to mention the "pain, suffering, worrying and anxiety as a result of her injuries," according to the suit.
Wow, that's a lot of stuff!
Now, allow me to play mock judge on this one and provide a swift and decisive verdict -- um, Liz, you allowed a pudgy, middle aged radio host wearing a headset and microphone to swing a driver near your ass. What the hell did you expect to happen?
This judge rules in favor of Playboy. Case dismissed.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
From the Contemporary English Version of the Bible:
God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'You shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
Then he went to the Vikings and said, ‘I have commandments.’
The Vikings asked for an example and God said, ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.’
‘Not covet the property of our neighbors? You must be joking. We’re not interested.’
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor your Father and your Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Gypsies and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Gypsies also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'You shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, God went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'
'Commandments?' they said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'You shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
Then he went to the Vikings and said, ‘I have commandments.’
The Vikings asked for an example and God said, ‘You shall not covet your neighbor’s ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.’
‘Not covet the property of our neighbors? You must be joking. We’re not interested.’
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor your Father and your Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Gypsies and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Gypsies also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'You shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, God went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'
'Commandments?' they said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
Saturday, March 15, 2014
COMEDIAN KEVIN KLINE IS IN BAD NEED OF SOME MORE GOLF LESSONS
Publicity stunt gets the comedian and Playboy sued after Kline swung at a golf ball placed on top of a tee stuck in the butt of a model
Kevin teed off on the ball and missed, but not her ass. She claims her behind suffered permanent injuries and is suing Playboy and Kline for $500,000 plus punitive damages.
Liz Dickson claims she did not give consent for the ball to be actually hit and posed with the tee sticking out of her ass only because she was led to believe the pose would just be a depiction of Kline whacking the ball.
PLAYBOY HOTTIE: GOLFER TEED UP ON MY ASS AND HURT ME BAD
A hot chick is suing Playboy and a golfer for coming up with a cockamamie stunt -- placing a golf tee in her butt and then trying to drive a ball off of it. It didn't end well
TMZ
March 13, 2014
Liz Dickson claims in her lawsuit she was at an L.A. area golf course back in March, 2012 for a Playboy tournament, when she was instructed to lie on her stomach and pose for a photo with comedian and radio host Kevin Klein.
Dickson says a golf tee was placed between her butt cheeks and a golf ball was balanced on the top of the tee. Klein then took a whack, but his swing sucked and he whacked her in the ass.
Dickson claims she suffered severe injuries, some of which are permanent. We're assuming the tee was removed.
She's suing for $500K plus punitive damages.
Kevin teed off on the ball and missed, but not her ass. She claims her behind suffered permanent injuries and is suing Playboy and Kline for $500,000 plus punitive damages.
Liz Dickson claims she did not give consent for the ball to be actually hit and posed with the tee sticking out of her ass only because she was led to believe the pose would just be a depiction of Kline whacking the ball.
PLAYBOY HOTTIE: GOLFER TEED UP ON MY ASS AND HURT ME BAD
A hot chick is suing Playboy and a golfer for coming up with a cockamamie stunt -- placing a golf tee in her butt and then trying to drive a ball off of it. It didn't end well
TMZ
March 13, 2014
Liz Dickson claims in her lawsuit she was at an L.A. area golf course back in March, 2012 for a Playboy tournament, when she was instructed to lie on her stomach and pose for a photo with comedian and radio host Kevin Klein.
Dickson says a golf tee was placed between her butt cheeks and a golf ball was balanced on the top of the tee. Klein then took a whack, but his swing sucked and he whacked her in the ass.
Dickson claims she suffered severe injuries, some of which are permanent. We're assuming the tee was removed.
She's suing for $500K plus punitive damages.
KINKY, MY FAVORITE TEXAS JEWBOY, HAS BEEN SMOKING A TAD TOO MUCH POT
Country singer, comedian, author and Texas Agricultural Commissioner candidate Kinky Friedman claims he interviewed every redneck deputy sheriff he could find and he has yet to meet one that says he’s against legalizing pot
BarkGrowlBite | March 15, 2014
Kinky Friedman, a candidate for Texas Agricultural Commissioner, is running on a platform that includes the legalization of marijuana. Here is one of the things he told Newsmax TV's John Bachman and J.D. Hayworth on Thursday's "America's Forum":
Law enforcement is down with this 100 percent. I've interviewed every redneck deputy sheriff I can find, and I have yet to meet one that says he's against legalizing. They're all for it and the reason they give is that every night they get a call that some guy has a few drinks and beats up his wife and they got to deal with it. They say they've never had a case of a guy smoking a few joints and beating up his wife because he forgets to beat up his wife, you see, he beats up a bag of Doritos or something like that.
Before PC and racial sensitivity, the Kinkster poked fun at blacks, Mexican-Americans, Baptists and Jews. One of the jokes Kinky told during his standup comedy routine was:
Do you know why negroes wear broad-brimmed hats? To keep the birds from shitting on their lips.
Today, that joke would get Kinky tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail ... oops, not out of town, but out of the country!
Despite his pro-pot positions, Kinky is still one of my favorite Texans. The only problem is that, like his good buddy Willie Nelson, he’s been smoking a tad too much pot. Every redneck, tobacco-chewing deputy sheriff I’ve ever met was raring to string up all them thar potheads.
BarkGrowlBite | March 15, 2014
Kinky Friedman, a candidate for Texas Agricultural Commissioner, is running on a platform that includes the legalization of marijuana. Here is one of the things he told Newsmax TV's John Bachman and J.D. Hayworth on Thursday's "America's Forum":
Law enforcement is down with this 100 percent. I've interviewed every redneck deputy sheriff I can find, and I have yet to meet one that says he's against legalizing. They're all for it and the reason they give is that every night they get a call that some guy has a few drinks and beats up his wife and they got to deal with it. They say they've never had a case of a guy smoking a few joints and beating up his wife because he forgets to beat up his wife, you see, he beats up a bag of Doritos or something like that.
Before PC and racial sensitivity, the Kinkster poked fun at blacks, Mexican-Americans, Baptists and Jews. One of the jokes Kinky told during his standup comedy routine was:
Do you know why negroes wear broad-brimmed hats? To keep the birds from shitting on their lips.
Today, that joke would get Kinky tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail ... oops, not out of town, but out of the country!
Despite his pro-pot positions, Kinky is still one of my favorite Texans. The only problem is that, like his good buddy Willie Nelson, he’s been smoking a tad too much pot. Every redneck, tobacco-chewing deputy sheriff I’ve ever met was raring to string up all them thar potheads.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
TEACHER’S QUESTION FOR THE DAY
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home.
Jenny says, "A computer."
The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."
Joey says, "A new lawn mower."
The teacher again replies, "That would also be very useful."
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don't need anything!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I clearly
remember my dad saying, ‘Well, that’s the last fucking thing we needed!’”
Jenny says, "A computer."
The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."
Joey says, "A new lawn mower."
The teacher again replies, "That would also be very useful."
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don't need anything!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I clearly
remember my dad saying, ‘Well, that’s the last fucking thing we needed!’”
AFTER HE RAPED HER SHE DRUGGED HIM, CHOPPED OF HIS YINGYANG AND FLUSHED IT DOWN THE JOHN, THEN BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH A HAMMER
Yeung Ki, 41, is on trial for murder in Hong Kong’s High Court after killing Zhou Hui, 32, her piano teaching ex-lover, on Boxing Day in 2012
BarkGrowlBite | March 13, 2014
Yeung had met Zhou, a piano teacher, in 2006 after she was divorced from her second husband. They began an affair, during which he borrowed thousands of dollars from her which he never repaid. When Yeung got pregnant in 2007, Zhou took off for the Chinese mainland where her ex-lover married another woman.
In 2012, Zhou called her saying he missed her. He visited her several times. On Boxing Day, Zhou came to her flat and demanded she give him $28,000 so he could buy a new car. He threatened to post naked pictures of her on the internet if she did not give him the money. When she refused, Zhou beat her. He also slapped their 4-year-old daughter. Then Zhou ripped off her clothes and raped Yeung.
After the rape, Yeung fed Zhou some soup which she had laced with a drug. While he was zonked out, Yeung took some scissors and chopped off his yingyang, which she flushed down the john. When Zhou awoke in pain, he attacked Yeung. She grabbed a hammer and rang his bell with an 'almost uncountable' number of blows until he croaked.
The following day, Yeung took her daughter to Hong Kong’s social welfare center where she confessed to chopping off Zhou’s yingyang and killing him. She has pled not guilty and the trial is expected to continue for 11 days.
Was it murder or justifiable homicide? As I understand it, in the High Court, cases are heard by a judge and jury. In my judgment, if Yeung is telling the truth as to what happened, there is no way I would find her guilty of murder or any other crime for that matter. Zhou got exactly what he deserved!
BarkGrowlBite | March 13, 2014
Yeung had met Zhou, a piano teacher, in 2006 after she was divorced from her second husband. They began an affair, during which he borrowed thousands of dollars from her which he never repaid. When Yeung got pregnant in 2007, Zhou took off for the Chinese mainland where her ex-lover married another woman.
In 2012, Zhou called her saying he missed her. He visited her several times. On Boxing Day, Zhou came to her flat and demanded she give him $28,000 so he could buy a new car. He threatened to post naked pictures of her on the internet if she did not give him the money. When she refused, Zhou beat her. He also slapped their 4-year-old daughter. Then Zhou ripped off her clothes and raped Yeung.
After the rape, Yeung fed Zhou some soup which she had laced with a drug. While he was zonked out, Yeung took some scissors and chopped off his yingyang, which she flushed down the john. When Zhou awoke in pain, he attacked Yeung. She grabbed a hammer and rang his bell with an 'almost uncountable' number of blows until he croaked.
The following day, Yeung took her daughter to Hong Kong’s social welfare center where she confessed to chopping off Zhou’s yingyang and killing him. She has pled not guilty and the trial is expected to continue for 11 days.
Was it murder or justifiable homicide? As I understand it, in the High Court, cases are heard by a judge and jury. In my judgment, if Yeung is telling the truth as to what happened, there is no way I would find her guilty of murder or any other crime for that matter. Zhou got exactly what he deserved!
HIS WIFE WILL NOW BE ABLE TO PURCHASE THE MINK COAT WHICH HE HAD ALWAYS REFUSED HER BECAUSE HE BELIEVED ONLY MINKS SHOULD WEAR MINK
Walter George Bruhl Jr. of Newark, Delaware, who died on Sunday at the age of 80, had written his own obituary in which he said ‘There will be no viewing since his wife refuses to honor his request to have him standing in the corner of the room with a glass of Jack Daniels in his hand so that he would appear natural to visitors’
BarkGrowlBite | March 13, 2014
Here are some excerpts from the hilarious obituary Mr. Bruhl had written for himself prior to his death:
Walter George Bruhl Jr of Newark and Dewey Beach DE is a dead person, he is no more, he is bereft of life, he is deceased, he has wrung down the curtain and gone to join the choir invisible, he has expired and gone to meet his maker.
He drifted off this mortal coil on _____________ at __________ at his home in ________. His spirit was released from his worn out shell of a body and is now exploring the universe.
He was surrounded by his loving wife of ______ years, Helene Sellers Bruhl, who will now be able to purchase the mink coat which he had always refused her because he believed only minks should wear mink, his two sons, their wives, and his four grandchildren. Walt was preceded in death by his tonsils and adenoids in 1935, a spinal disc in 1974, a large piece of his thyroid gland in 1988, and his prostate on March 27th 2000.
He was born in Phila. PA on April 20th 1933 at 10:38 PM and weighed in at a healthy 7lbs. 4oz. and was 22” long, to Blanche Buckman Bruhl and Walter George Bruhl. He drifted through the Philadelphia Public School System from 1937 through 1951, graduating, to his mother’s great relief, from John Bartram High School in June of 1951.
Walter was a Marine Corps Veteran of the Korean War having served from October of 1951 to September of 1954 with overseas duty in Japan from June of 1953 till August of 1954. He attained the rank of Sergeant. He chose this path because of Hollywood propaganda, to which he succumbed as a child during WWII, and his cousin Ella, who joined the corps in 1943.
There will be no viewing since his wife refuses to honor his request to have him standing in the corner of the room with a glass of Jack Daniels in his hand so that he would appear natural to visitors.
Cremation will take place at the family’s convenience and his ashes will be kept in an urn until they get tired of having it around. What’s a Grecian Urn? Oh, about 200 drachmas a week.
BarkGrowlBite | March 13, 2014
Here are some excerpts from the hilarious obituary Mr. Bruhl had written for himself prior to his death:
Walter George Bruhl Jr of Newark and Dewey Beach DE is a dead person, he is no more, he is bereft of life, he is deceased, he has wrung down the curtain and gone to join the choir invisible, he has expired and gone to meet his maker.
He drifted off this mortal coil on _____________ at __________ at his home in ________. His spirit was released from his worn out shell of a body and is now exploring the universe.
He was surrounded by his loving wife of ______ years, Helene Sellers Bruhl, who will now be able to purchase the mink coat which he had always refused her because he believed only minks should wear mink, his two sons, their wives, and his four grandchildren. Walt was preceded in death by his tonsils and adenoids in 1935, a spinal disc in 1974, a large piece of his thyroid gland in 1988, and his prostate on March 27th 2000.
He was born in Phila. PA on April 20th 1933 at 10:38 PM and weighed in at a healthy 7lbs. 4oz. and was 22” long, to Blanche Buckman Bruhl and Walter George Bruhl. He drifted through the Philadelphia Public School System from 1937 through 1951, graduating, to his mother’s great relief, from John Bartram High School in June of 1951.
Walter was a Marine Corps Veteran of the Korean War having served from October of 1951 to September of 1954 with overseas duty in Japan from June of 1953 till August of 1954. He attained the rank of Sergeant. He chose this path because of Hollywood propaganda, to which he succumbed as a child during WWII, and his cousin Ella, who joined the corps in 1943.
There will be no viewing since his wife refuses to honor his request to have him standing in the corner of the room with a glass of Jack Daniels in his hand so that he would appear natural to visitors.
Cremation will take place at the family’s convenience and his ashes will be kept in an urn until they get tired of having it around. What’s a Grecian Urn? Oh, about 200 drachmas a week.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
HUGO SAYS YOU GO SOMEWHERE ELSE POTHEADS
Hugo’s Barber Shop in Greeley, Colorado is a business that caters to families and the owner does not want anyone who smells of pot on the premises
BarkGrowlBite | March 12, 2014
PLEASE DO NOT COME IN IF YOU SMELL LIKE MARIJUANA. THERE ARE FAMILIES WITH KIDS WHO DON’T WANT TO SMELL IT. THIS IS A BUSINESS, NOT YOUR HOUSE, THANK YOU. IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT PLEASE GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. HUGO’S BARBER SHOP
That’s the sign Hugo Corral put up at his barbershop in Greeley, Colorado. He says that mothers who bring their kids in for haircuts have told him they don’t want them to be around people who smoke pot. Hugo believes he has the same right to refuse service to people who smell of marijuana as a restaurant owner has the right to refuse service to barefooted people.
How have the potheads reacted? A number of them have spit on the door to the barbershop.
I say kudos to Hugo and fuck the potheads!
BarkGrowlBite | March 12, 2014
PLEASE DO NOT COME IN IF YOU SMELL LIKE MARIJUANA. THERE ARE FAMILIES WITH KIDS WHO DON’T WANT TO SMELL IT. THIS IS A BUSINESS, NOT YOUR HOUSE, THANK YOU. IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT PLEASE GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. HUGO’S BARBER SHOP
That’s the sign Hugo Corral put up at his barbershop in Greeley, Colorado. He says that mothers who bring their kids in for haircuts have told him they don’t want them to be around people who smoke pot. Hugo believes he has the same right to refuse service to people who smell of marijuana as a restaurant owner has the right to refuse service to barefooted people.
How have the potheads reacted? A number of them have spit on the door to the barbershop.
I say kudos to Hugo and fuck the potheads!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
REPORT: OCEAN LEVELS COULD RISE FOOT OR MORE IF LOTS OF PEOPLE GO SWIMMING
The Onion | March 10, 2014
SILVER SPRING, MD—Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration sounded a strong warning about rising seas Monday, saying that ocean levels around the world are projected to increase by 12 inches or more should a bunch of people go swimming at the same time.
“According to our latest analysis, an increase in global mean sea level of several inches is inevitable at this point given the approach of summer beach season, when millions of people will simultaneously go for a swim,” said oceanographer Paul Acosta at a press conference, adding that the increase could be “significantly higher” than currently predicted if lots of beachgoers choose to hold their breath and go under all the way. “Coastal cities and low-lying islands are the most vulnerable to rising sea levels, particularly if it’s not just kids who go for a dip, but full-grown adults as well. Our best hope now is moderating the rise as much as we can by convincing people to only wade in up to their waists.”
Acosta also warned about the devastating possibilities of catastrophic tsunamis should everyone jump into the ocean together from a dock or off the side of a boat.
SILVER SPRING, MD—Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration sounded a strong warning about rising seas Monday, saying that ocean levels around the world are projected to increase by 12 inches or more should a bunch of people go swimming at the same time.
“According to our latest analysis, an increase in global mean sea level of several inches is inevitable at this point given the approach of summer beach season, when millions of people will simultaneously go for a swim,” said oceanographer Paul Acosta at a press conference, adding that the increase could be “significantly higher” than currently predicted if lots of beachgoers choose to hold their breath and go under all the way. “Coastal cities and low-lying islands are the most vulnerable to rising sea levels, particularly if it’s not just kids who go for a dip, but full-grown adults as well. Our best hope now is moderating the rise as much as we can by convincing people to only wade in up to their waists.”
Acosta also warned about the devastating possibilities of catastrophic tsunamis should everyone jump into the ocean together from a dock or off the side of a boat.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
15 YEARS IN ENVIRONMENT OF CONSTANT FEAR SOMEHOW FAILS TO REHABILITATE PRISONER
The Onion | March 4, 2014
WOODBOURNE, NY—Reportedly left dumbfounded by the news that recent parolee Terry Raney had been reincarcerated on charges of assault and battery, officials at Woodbourne Correctional Facility struggled Tuesday to make sense of how the prisoner had not been rehabilitated by 15 years of constant threats, physical abuse, and periodic isolation.
“It just doesn’t seem possible that an inmate could live for a decade and a half in a completely dehumanizing environment in which violent felons were constantly on the verge of attacking or even killing him and not emerge an emotionally stable, productive member of society,” said chief warden Albert Gunderson, who noted that, as hard as it was to believe, Raney’s recidivism proved that his criminal impulses had not in fact been corrected by the sense of grave distrust he felt toward every other person in the facility, including both fellow inmates and prison authorities, every day since 1999. “We surrounded him with a combustible mix of rival gangs and made sure that he was consumed by a round-the-clock sense of terror that the slightest misstep on his part could result in a sharpened piece of scrap metal being shoved into his neck, and yet he still leaves this facility with the same criminal thoughts and violent mindset as before? I’m truly at a loss for how this could have happened.”
Gunderson then noted his additional confusion at how the man’s criminal record and the social stigma of his prison sentence had somehow failed to land him a steady job immediately upon his release.
WOODBOURNE, NY—Reportedly left dumbfounded by the news that recent parolee Terry Raney had been reincarcerated on charges of assault and battery, officials at Woodbourne Correctional Facility struggled Tuesday to make sense of how the prisoner had not been rehabilitated by 15 years of constant threats, physical abuse, and periodic isolation.
“It just doesn’t seem possible that an inmate could live for a decade and a half in a completely dehumanizing environment in which violent felons were constantly on the verge of attacking or even killing him and not emerge an emotionally stable, productive member of society,” said chief warden Albert Gunderson, who noted that, as hard as it was to believe, Raney’s recidivism proved that his criminal impulses had not in fact been corrected by the sense of grave distrust he felt toward every other person in the facility, including both fellow inmates and prison authorities, every day since 1999. “We surrounded him with a combustible mix of rival gangs and made sure that he was consumed by a round-the-clock sense of terror that the slightest misstep on his part could result in a sharpened piece of scrap metal being shoved into his neck, and yet he still leaves this facility with the same criminal thoughts and violent mindset as before? I’m truly at a loss for how this could have happened.”
Gunderson then noted his additional confusion at how the man’s criminal record and the social stigma of his prison sentence had somehow failed to land him a steady job immediately upon his release.
Monday, March 3, 2014
DEATHBED BEQUESTS TO BELOVED FAMILY
Abe Goldberg is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him. So, he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Manhattan houses."
"Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"Aron, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Abe slips away, she says, "Mrs. Goldberg, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the old fart had a paper route!"
"Bernie, I want you to take the Manhattan houses."
"Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"Aron, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Abe slips away, she says, "Mrs. Goldberg, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the old fart had a paper route!"
Sunday, March 2, 2014
MANDATORY NEW MEDICAAL CODING SYSTEM
Doctors will be required to use a World Health Organization coding system that includes a code for suicide by contact with jellyfish
BarkGrowlBite | March 1, 2014
Effective October 1, 2014, doctors will be required to use a new coding system to record injuries and illnesses in line with the International Classification of Diseases as put forth by the World Health Organization in Geneva, Switzerland.
The system contains 85,000 medical treatment codes. Here are just four codes in the new system:
T63622A - Toxic effect of contact with other jellyfish, intentional self-harm, initial encounter
V9542XA - Forced landing of spacecraft injuring occupant, initial encounter
V9733XA - Sucked into jet engine, initial encounter
V80731A - Occupant of animal-drawn vehicle injured in collision with streetcar, initial encounter
BarkGrowlBite | March 1, 2014
Effective October 1, 2014, doctors will be required to use a new coding system to record injuries and illnesses in line with the International Classification of Diseases as put forth by the World Health Organization in Geneva, Switzerland.
The system contains 85,000 medical treatment codes. Here are just four codes in the new system:
T63622A - Toxic effect of contact with other jellyfish, intentional self-harm, initial encounter
V9542XA - Forced landing of spacecraft injuring occupant, initial encounter
V9733XA - Sucked into jet engine, initial encounter
V80731A - Occupant of animal-drawn vehicle injured in collision with streetcar, initial encounter
Saturday, March 1, 2014
WELCOME TO THE AFFORDABLE GOLF ACT
(Golfer dials 800 number for the ObamaGolf exchange)
(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf. My name is Nebuchadnezzar. How can I help you?
(Golfer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to the ObamaGolf exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.
(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed shortly. But I can help you.
(Golfer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.
(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1's do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite, or Callaway Blue.
(Golfer) But I have played Pro V1 for years. Didn’t President Obama promise that if you like your golf balls, you can keep your golf balls?
(Receptionist) I’m sorry about that, but the president couldn’t keep his promise because the government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable. The government has ordered Titleist to stop making them. TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.
(Golfer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?
(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page Affordable Golf Act passed by Congress.
(Golfer) Well, how much are these TopFlites?
(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?
(Golfer) What's the difference?
(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.
(Golfer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?
(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?
(Golfer) What does that have to do with anything?
(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.
(Golfer) BallAid?
(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.
(Golfer) Who said they were a right?
(Receptionist) Congress passed the Affordable Golf Act, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.
(Golfer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.
(Receptionist) There's no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitution had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.
(Golfer) I don't believe this.
(Receptionist) The Affordable Golf Act is the law of the land, sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir?
(Golfer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.
(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.
(Golfer) Why?
(Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.
(Golfer) WHAT? You can't charge me for NOT buying golf balls.
(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income.
(Golfer interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $49.50.
(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.
(Golfer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!
(Receptionist) Actually, sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.
(Golfer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressman to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it.
(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that, sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.
(Golfer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?
(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir.
(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)
(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf, have a nice day.
(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf. My name is Nebuchadnezzar. How can I help you?
(Golfer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to the ObamaGolf exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.
(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed shortly. But I can help you.
(Golfer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.
(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1's do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite, or Callaway Blue.
(Golfer) But I have played Pro V1 for years. Didn’t President Obama promise that if you like your golf balls, you can keep your golf balls?
(Receptionist) I’m sorry about that, but the president couldn’t keep his promise because the government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable. The government has ordered Titleist to stop making them. TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.
(Golfer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?
(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page Affordable Golf Act passed by Congress.
(Golfer) Well, how much are these TopFlites?
(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?
(Golfer) What's the difference?
(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.
(Golfer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?
(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?
(Golfer) What does that have to do with anything?
(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.
(Golfer) BallAid?
(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.
(Golfer) Who said they were a right?
(Receptionist) Congress passed the Affordable Golf Act, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.
(Golfer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.
(Receptionist) There's no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitution had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.
(Golfer) I don't believe this.
(Receptionist) The Affordable Golf Act is the law of the land, sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir?
(Golfer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.
(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.
(Golfer) Why?
(Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.
(Golfer) WHAT? You can't charge me for NOT buying golf balls.
(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income.
(Golfer interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $49.50.
(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.
(Golfer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!
(Receptionist) Actually, sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.
(Golfer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressman to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it.
(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that, sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.
(Golfer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?
(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir.
(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)
(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf, have a nice day.
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