The Unconventional Gazette / February 28, 2013
Texas legislators, like our congressmen and senators in Washington, often do not read the measures they are voting on. Most members of Congress never read the Affordable Health Care Act bill and had only sparse information about what was actually contained in the Obamacare bill.
One of the best examples of lawmakers not knowing what they are voting on occurred in 1971 when the Texas legislature unanimously approved a resolution honoring Albert Henry DeSalvo for his population control efforts.
So, who was Albert Henry DeSalvo? DeSalvo was better known as the Boston Strangler. He murdered 13 women. DeSalvo died in 1973.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
HOW MANURE CAME TO BE KNOWN AS ‘SHIT’
The Unconventional Gazette / February 27, 2013
Manure has been used as fertilizer for centuries. In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. Since that was before the invention of commercial fertilizers, large shipments of manure were quite common.
Manure was shipped dry because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water (at sea) hit it, not only did the manure become heavier, but the process of fermentation began. It so happens that a byproduct of fermentation is methane gas.
Because the manure was stored below decks in bundles, you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern ..... BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening (Lloyds of London).
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction 'Stow high in transit' on them. That meant for the sailors to stow the manure high enough off the lower decks so that if any water came into the hold, it would not touch this volatile cargo, thus preventing the production of methane.
That’s how the term 'S.H.I.T.' (Stow High In Transit) evolved, and it has come down through the centuries to this very day. Today, the term is used all the time, often preceded by the word ‘oh’.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Sounds like a load of shit to me.
Manure has been used as fertilizer for centuries. In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. Since that was before the invention of commercial fertilizers, large shipments of manure were quite common.
Manure was shipped dry because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water (at sea) hit it, not only did the manure become heavier, but the process of fermentation began. It so happens that a byproduct of fermentation is methane gas.
Because the manure was stored below decks in bundles, you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern ..... BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening (Lloyds of London).
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction 'Stow high in transit' on them. That meant for the sailors to stow the manure high enough off the lower decks so that if any water came into the hold, it would not touch this volatile cargo, thus preventing the production of methane.
That’s how the term 'S.H.I.T.' (Stow High In Transit) evolved, and it has come down through the centuries to this very day. Today, the term is used all the time, often preceded by the word ‘oh’.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Sounds like a load of shit to me.
240 KILLED IN STAMPEDE AFTER BUCKETFUL OF OSCARS JUST DUMPED ON STAGE
The Onion / February 24, 2013
LOS ANGELES—In one of the most devastating tragedies in the history of the Academy Awards, 240 attendees were killed in a deadly stampede at Hollywood’s Dolby Theater Sunday after a bucketful of Oscars was just dumped onto the stage, triggering a frenzied rush for the statuettes by every audience member in attendance.
According to eyewitness accounts, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Howard Koch carried a large plastic tub filled with Academy Awards to the center of the stage halfway through the ceremony and wordlessly overturned the container, sending 120 of the highly prized trophies tumbling into a pile on the floor and causing screaming audience members to abruptly vault from their seats and charge toward the stage to reach the scattered Oscars.
Sources confirmed that over 1,000 guests suffered serious injuries from the stampede of actors, directors, producers, screenwriters, makeup artists, costume designers, dates, and cinematographers.
“There was this moment or two of eerie silence right after he dumped out the Oscars, and then all hell broke loose,” said actor Mark Ruffalo, bleeding profusely from a head wound and wincing in pain from an apparent dislocated shoulder. “Christ, people just went crazy while scrambling to get those trophies. I saw people out there—people I’ve worked with and know well—do terrible things. Just terrible things.”
“I’m lucky to be alive,” Ruffalo added. “And lucky that I was able to get out of there with an Oscar for Best Production Design, too.”
Early reports have confirmed that Jack Nicholson, Amy Adams, George Clooney, Kate Winslet, Michael Douglas, Charlize Theron, Brave lead animator Austin Madison, Tom Wilkinson, and Jake Gyllenhaal were killed in the stampede of Hollywood elite.
Mangled bodies believed to be those of Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Tim Burton, Paul Giamatti, Rob Reiner, Helen Mirren, Ang Lee, and numerous others were also found but could not be positively identified at press time.
While most of the fatalities were allegedly accidental, several eyewitnesses informed reporters that Sissy Spacek was, in fact, murdered. Sources confirmed that Spacek attempted to escape the bedlam with an Oscar in hand, but was cornered by the cast of Les Misérables and viciously beaten to death.
“No one was innocent tonight; everybody out there was storming that stage like their lives depended on it,” said security guard Chris Brooks, who watched helplessly as his coworkers were overwhelmed by a rush of starlets blindly searching for the nearest statuette. “The sounds of bones snapping in half and bloodcurdling screeches will definitely haunt me for the rest of my life.”
“At one point, I turned around and saw Ron Howard, with this wild look in his eyes, strangling Lauren Bacall,” Brooks continued. “He was covered in blood and daring people to come at him. It’s an image I’ll never forget.”
Emergency medical responders who arrived at the traumatic scene said they were stunned not only by the sheer number of deceased A-list celebrities strewn about the auditorium, but also by the degree of emotional trauma suffered by those survivors who were unable to claim one of the free Oscars.
“Some of them came so close but just didn’t quite make it,” said paramedic Virginia Cox of the televised event, which early reports are indicating was the most watched Oscars telecast in history. “Remember, many of these people had to trample beloved co-stars and crew members in order to reach the front of that stage, so to end the night empty-handed was doubly tragic for them.”
At press time, acclaimed director Steven Spielberg was reportedly last seen exiting the theater, struggling to carry approximately 57 Oscars in his arms.
LOS ANGELES—In one of the most devastating tragedies in the history of the Academy Awards, 240 attendees were killed in a deadly stampede at Hollywood’s Dolby Theater Sunday after a bucketful of Oscars was just dumped onto the stage, triggering a frenzied rush for the statuettes by every audience member in attendance.
According to eyewitness accounts, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Howard Koch carried a large plastic tub filled with Academy Awards to the center of the stage halfway through the ceremony and wordlessly overturned the container, sending 120 of the highly prized trophies tumbling into a pile on the floor and causing screaming audience members to abruptly vault from their seats and charge toward the stage to reach the scattered Oscars.
Sources confirmed that over 1,000 guests suffered serious injuries from the stampede of actors, directors, producers, screenwriters, makeup artists, costume designers, dates, and cinematographers.
“There was this moment or two of eerie silence right after he dumped out the Oscars, and then all hell broke loose,” said actor Mark Ruffalo, bleeding profusely from a head wound and wincing in pain from an apparent dislocated shoulder. “Christ, people just went crazy while scrambling to get those trophies. I saw people out there—people I’ve worked with and know well—do terrible things. Just terrible things.”
“I’m lucky to be alive,” Ruffalo added. “And lucky that I was able to get out of there with an Oscar for Best Production Design, too.”
Early reports have confirmed that Jack Nicholson, Amy Adams, George Clooney, Kate Winslet, Michael Douglas, Charlize Theron, Brave lead animator Austin Madison, Tom Wilkinson, and Jake Gyllenhaal were killed in the stampede of Hollywood elite.
Mangled bodies believed to be those of Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Tim Burton, Paul Giamatti, Rob Reiner, Helen Mirren, Ang Lee, and numerous others were also found but could not be positively identified at press time.
While most of the fatalities were allegedly accidental, several eyewitnesses informed reporters that Sissy Spacek was, in fact, murdered. Sources confirmed that Spacek attempted to escape the bedlam with an Oscar in hand, but was cornered by the cast of Les Misérables and viciously beaten to death.
“No one was innocent tonight; everybody out there was storming that stage like their lives depended on it,” said security guard Chris Brooks, who watched helplessly as his coworkers were overwhelmed by a rush of starlets blindly searching for the nearest statuette. “The sounds of bones snapping in half and bloodcurdling screeches will definitely haunt me for the rest of my life.”
“At one point, I turned around and saw Ron Howard, with this wild look in his eyes, strangling Lauren Bacall,” Brooks continued. “He was covered in blood and daring people to come at him. It’s an image I’ll never forget.”
Emergency medical responders who arrived at the traumatic scene said they were stunned not only by the sheer number of deceased A-list celebrities strewn about the auditorium, but also by the degree of emotional trauma suffered by those survivors who were unable to claim one of the free Oscars.
“Some of them came so close but just didn’t quite make it,” said paramedic Virginia Cox of the televised event, which early reports are indicating was the most watched Oscars telecast in history. “Remember, many of these people had to trample beloved co-stars and crew members in order to reach the front of that stage, so to end the night empty-handed was doubly tragic for them.”
At press time, acclaimed director Steven Spielberg was reportedly last seen exiting the theater, struggling to carry approximately 57 Oscars in his arms.
THE REST ENDED UP IN CONGRESS
By Ima Schmuck
The Unconventional Gazette / February 27, 2013
Recently my doctor told me that years ago the entrance exam to get into medical school included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.
The Unconventional Gazette / February 27, 2013
Recently my doctor told me that years ago the entrance exam to get into medical school included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
THE POWER OF PRAYER
Beer joint sues local Baptist church after lightning strikes and burns down Billy Bob’s Icehouse following morning, afternoon and evening prayer sessions calling for demise of the bar
The Unconventional Gazette / February 26, 2013
CROCKETT, Texas – Billy Bob’s Icehouse is a popular beer joint in this small town located in the piney woods of East Texas.
When the owner began construction on an expansion of his building to accommodate the bar’s ever-growing business, the congregation of the Bethel Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding – circulating petitions and holding morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church, praying for the good Lord to smite Billy Bob’s Icehouse.
Work on Billy Bob’s continued right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the beer joint and burned it to the ground!
After the lightning strike had burned down the bar, the church folks were extremely overjoyed and set off bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week Billy Bob Bogart, the bar owner, sued the church, preacher M. E. Thane and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building and his business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its response to Billy Bob’s complaint, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's destruction.
The district court judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's response. At a court hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a bar owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not!”
The Unconventional Gazette / February 26, 2013
CROCKETT, Texas – Billy Bob’s Icehouse is a popular beer joint in this small town located in the piney woods of East Texas.
When the owner began construction on an expansion of his building to accommodate the bar’s ever-growing business, the congregation of the Bethel Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding – circulating petitions and holding morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church, praying for the good Lord to smite Billy Bob’s Icehouse.
Work on Billy Bob’s continued right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the beer joint and burned it to the ground!
After the lightning strike had burned down the bar, the church folks were extremely overjoyed and set off bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week Billy Bob Bogart, the bar owner, sued the church, preacher M. E. Thane and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building and his business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its response to Billy Bob’s complaint, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's destruction.
The district court judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's response. At a court hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a bar owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not!”
Monday, February 25, 2013
BRITISH AUTHOR COMPARES ROYALS TO PANDAS
Houston Chronicle / February 22, 2013
Maggie Galehouse, one of the Houston Chronicle’s book reviewers, reported that British author Hilary Mantel compared the royals to pandas during a recent lecture for the London Review of Books. Here's an excerpt from Mantel's lecture, titled ‘Royal Bodies’:
"I used to think that the interesting issue was whether we should have a monarchy or not. But now I think that question is rather like, should we have pandas or not? … Pandas and royal persons alike are expensive to conserve and ill-adapted to any modern environment. But aren't they interesting? Aren't they nice to look at? Some people find them endearing; some pity them for their precarious situation; everybody stares at them, and however airy the enclosure they inhabit, it's still a cage."
Maggie Galehouse, one of the Houston Chronicle’s book reviewers, reported that British author Hilary Mantel compared the royals to pandas during a recent lecture for the London Review of Books. Here's an excerpt from Mantel's lecture, titled ‘Royal Bodies’:
"I used to think that the interesting issue was whether we should have a monarchy or not. But now I think that question is rather like, should we have pandas or not? … Pandas and royal persons alike are expensive to conserve and ill-adapted to any modern environment. But aren't they interesting? Aren't they nice to look at? Some people find them endearing; some pity them for their precarious situation; everybody stares at them, and however airy the enclosure they inhabit, it's still a cage."
NO NEED ANY LONGER FOR A DRIVER’S LICENSE
By Pamela Putz
The Unconventional Gazette / February 25, 2013
My neighbor Bob was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. “I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"
The Unconventional Gazette / February 25, 2013
My neighbor Bob was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. “I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"
Saturday, February 23, 2013
FIVE RULES PLUS A BONUS RULE TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
by Ima Schmuck
The Unconventional Gazette / February 23, 2013
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls-Royce than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
The Unconventional Gazette / February 23, 2013
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls-Royce than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
SNOWSTORM IN CHICAGO DELAYS HUNDREDS OF MORNING MURDERS
The Onion / February 22, 2013
CHICAGO—The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will likely continue to push numerous homicides across the city drastically behind schedule, public authorities announced.
“As we speak, maintenance crews are working diligently to restore public transportation, de-ice roads, and clear back alleyways so that Chicagoans can quickly resume murdering again,” Department of Streets and Sanitation spokesman Dave Michelson said of the heavy blizzard, which caused numerous homicide cancellations this morning at peak murder times. “Unfortunately, we’re backed up by about 35 deadly shootings at the moment, but we hope to restore regular death tolls as soon as possible. We apologize to anyone forced to postpone shootings or other killings today and assure concerned murderers that they will be able to resume slayings by the early afternoon.”
At press time, authorities reported that murders were up and running in many parts of the city, with four teenagers already gunned down on Chicago’s South Side.
CHICAGO—The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will likely continue to push numerous homicides across the city drastically behind schedule, public authorities announced.
“As we speak, maintenance crews are working diligently to restore public transportation, de-ice roads, and clear back alleyways so that Chicagoans can quickly resume murdering again,” Department of Streets and Sanitation spokesman Dave Michelson said of the heavy blizzard, which caused numerous homicide cancellations this morning at peak murder times. “Unfortunately, we’re backed up by about 35 deadly shootings at the moment, but we hope to restore regular death tolls as soon as possible. We apologize to anyone forced to postpone shootings or other killings today and assure concerned murderers that they will be able to resume slayings by the early afternoon.”
At press time, authorities reported that murders were up and running in many parts of the city, with four teenagers already gunned down on Chicago’s South Side.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN TO BLAME FOR LATEST SHOOTING SPREE
Killer took Biden’s advice and used a shotgun to kill three people, shoot at drivers on California freeway
The Unconventional Gazette / February 20, 2013
TUSTIN, Calif. – Tuesday’s shooting spree in Orange County is being blamed directly on Vice President Joe Biden.
"You don't need an AR-15. It's harder to aim; it's harder to use. Buy a shotgun. Buy a shotgun!"
So spoke the Vice President on Tuesday during a Facebook town hall hosted by Parents Magazine. Biden said that you don’t need an AR-15 to defend yourself before telling his audience, “Buy a shotgun. Buy a shotgun!"
And that is exactly what a 20-year-old one-course college student did before going on a shooting spree that left three people dead and several others injured before he blew his own brains out as the police were closing in on him.
According to his parents, Ali Syed was watching the town hall meeting on the family’s home computer. They said their son rushed upstairs as soon as he heard Biden say, “Buy a shotgun. Buy a shotgun!" He was shouting “The vice president wants us to get a shotgun, he wants us to get a shotgun!” Syed came back downstairs with a shotgun and promptly shot a young woman to death who was visiting the home.
Syed than left the house shotgun in hand and went on a carjacking rampage during which he killed two more people. At one point, he pulled over to the shoulder of State Route 55, a north-south freeway, and started shooting at passing cars. The California Highway Patrol caught up to him in the City of Orange, but before they could take any action, Syed up and shot himself to death.
Syed’s grief stricken parents insist that Ali was a good boy who was serious about getting a college degree when he enrolled in one course at Saddleback Community College. “This would never have happened if that idiot of a vice president hadn’t urged people to get a shotgun," said Mr. Syed. "My wife and I are so sorry for all the hurt Ali has caused, but this is all the fault of that windbag Biden!”
The Unconventional Gazette / February 20, 2013
TUSTIN, Calif. – Tuesday’s shooting spree in Orange County is being blamed directly on Vice President Joe Biden.
"You don't need an AR-15. It's harder to aim; it's harder to use. Buy a shotgun. Buy a shotgun!"
So spoke the Vice President on Tuesday during a Facebook town hall hosted by Parents Magazine. Biden said that you don’t need an AR-15 to defend yourself before telling his audience, “Buy a shotgun. Buy a shotgun!"
And that is exactly what a 20-year-old one-course college student did before going on a shooting spree that left three people dead and several others injured before he blew his own brains out as the police were closing in on him.
According to his parents, Ali Syed was watching the town hall meeting on the family’s home computer. They said their son rushed upstairs as soon as he heard Biden say, “Buy a shotgun. Buy a shotgun!" He was shouting “The vice president wants us to get a shotgun, he wants us to get a shotgun!” Syed came back downstairs with a shotgun and promptly shot a young woman to death who was visiting the home.
Syed than left the house shotgun in hand and went on a carjacking rampage during which he killed two more people. At one point, he pulled over to the shoulder of State Route 55, a north-south freeway, and started shooting at passing cars. The California Highway Patrol caught up to him in the City of Orange, but before they could take any action, Syed up and shot himself to death.
Syed’s grief stricken parents insist that Ali was a good boy who was serious about getting a college degree when he enrolled in one course at Saddleback Community College. “This would never have happened if that idiot of a vice president hadn’t urged people to get a shotgun," said Mr. Syed. "My wife and I are so sorry for all the hurt Ali has caused, but this is all the fault of that windbag Biden!”
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
$50 MILLION WORTH OF DIAMONDS STOLEN IN AVERAGE DAY IN BRUSSELS
The Onion / February 19, 2013
BRUSSELS—A team of professional burglars is said to have skillfully evaded security at Brussels’ international airport Monday night and escaped with roughly $50 million worth of diamonds in what law enforcement officials in the Belgian capital are describing as a routine, everyday occurrence in the city.
“At this time, we can confirm that several disguised cat burglars made off with hundreds of polished and uncut diamonds, though the crime appears entirely unrelated to yesterday’s daring ruby heist from the Royal Palace and the theft of several million dollars in rare black pearls from this same airport two days ago,” said police spokesman Julien De Smet, noting that the brazen robbery would be added to the list of high-stakes jewel thefts, expert safecracking, fine art burglaries, vase pilferings, and countless other deftly executed capers occurring daily in Brussels. “As usual, we’ll continue to keep close surveillance on the city’s museums and high-society personal art collections, as well as the thousands of armored trucks that transport large quantities of gems, masterpiece paintings, and priceless ancient statuary around the city each and every day.”
At press time, an Interpol bulletin confirmed that De Smet himself was an imposter and that his press conference had merely served as a diversion while an invaluable ancient Roman frieze was swiped from the nearby Musée du Cinquantenaire.
BRUSSELS—A team of professional burglars is said to have skillfully evaded security at Brussels’ international airport Monday night and escaped with roughly $50 million worth of diamonds in what law enforcement officials in the Belgian capital are describing as a routine, everyday occurrence in the city.
“At this time, we can confirm that several disguised cat burglars made off with hundreds of polished and uncut diamonds, though the crime appears entirely unrelated to yesterday’s daring ruby heist from the Royal Palace and the theft of several million dollars in rare black pearls from this same airport two days ago,” said police spokesman Julien De Smet, noting that the brazen robbery would be added to the list of high-stakes jewel thefts, expert safecracking, fine art burglaries, vase pilferings, and countless other deftly executed capers occurring daily in Brussels. “As usual, we’ll continue to keep close surveillance on the city’s museums and high-society personal art collections, as well as the thousands of armored trucks that transport large quantities of gems, masterpiece paintings, and priceless ancient statuary around the city each and every day.”
At press time, an Interpol bulletin confirmed that De Smet himself was an imposter and that his press conference had merely served as a diversion while an invaluable ancient Roman frieze was swiped from the nearby Musée du Cinquantenaire.
Monday, February 18, 2013
BUS TRANSPORTING CARNIVAL CRUISE PASSENGERS CRASHES INTO SEWAGE TREATMENT PLANT
The Onion / February 15, 2012
MOSS POINT, MS—The ongoing plight of passengers who recently escaped the disabled Carnival cruise liner Triumph took another unfortunate turn Thursday when, just hours after they disembarked the filthy ship and boarded a charter bus for New Orleans, their vehicle careened off the road and crashed into a local sewage treatment plant.
“Oh, goddamn it, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” former Triumph traveler Laura Jackson said as torrents of human waste rose around her ankles and soiled her newly changed clothing. “You know what? Bring it on. Just go ahead and pour shit all over me. Lock me in a Porta-Potty and roll me down a hill, see if I give a fuck. Screw it.”
At press time, Carnival had issued an apology to all passengers affected by the accident and offered them 100 Loyalty Club points redeemable on any future cruise.
MOSS POINT, MS—The ongoing plight of passengers who recently escaped the disabled Carnival cruise liner Triumph took another unfortunate turn Thursday when, just hours after they disembarked the filthy ship and boarded a charter bus for New Orleans, their vehicle careened off the road and crashed into a local sewage treatment plant.
“Oh, goddamn it, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” former Triumph traveler Laura Jackson said as torrents of human waste rose around her ankles and soiled her newly changed clothing. “You know what? Bring it on. Just go ahead and pour shit all over me. Lock me in a Porta-Potty and roll me down a hill, see if I give a fuck. Screw it.”
At press time, Carnival had issued an apology to all passengers affected by the accident and offered them 100 Loyalty Club points redeemable on any future cruise.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
METEOR MISTAKEN FOR INCOMING BALLISTIC MISSILE
Chinese sources tell The Unconventional Gazette that China shot down a ballistic missile over Russia as it headed toward Beijing after having been launched by the United States
by Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / February 16, 2012
CHELYABINSK, RUSSIA – People in this city 900 miles east of Moscow are still in shock over the explosion of a 40-ton meteor traveling overhead at 33,000 mph. The explosion Friday damaged over 4,000 buildings and injured more than 1,200 people.
Although international astronomers and physicists insist that the object which flashed across the sky was a meteor, Chinese sources tell The Unconventional Gazette that the object was not a meteor, but a ballistic missile headed toward Beijing that was launched by the United States.
Ching Wang Peng, a spokesman for the People’s Liberation Army, said Defense Minister General Liang Guanglie ordered the PLA to intercept the incoming missile with China’s newly operational kinetic kill ABM. China’s new leader, Xi Jinping, congratulated Gen. Guanglie on the successful missile interception.
Russian President Vladimir Putin called Xi Jinping to protest China’s missile launch over Russia:
__“When you blew up that meteor into small pieces you cost my country billions of rubles in tourism business,” Putin scolded the Chinese leader.
__Xi Jinping replied, “What are you talking about Vlad? What meteor? We shot down an American missile that was headed toward Beijing.”
__Putin then asked, “What’s that? The Americans launched a missile at you that invaded our airspace? Are you sure?”
__”That’s what my defense minister told me,” answered Xi Jinping.
__Putin then said, “Well, there’s no sense in calling Obama. He’ll just blame it all on Bush.”
The Chinese leader has called for an emergency session of the U.N. Security Council to protest America’s unprovoked attack against the peaceful People’s Republic of China.
In a hastily called press conference, President Obama strongly denied that the United States had launched a missile against anyone. “I want to assure Mr. Putin and Xi Jinping that as long as I am in the White House, the United States will never fire a missile over Russia or against China, and not even against North Korea or Iran … against Israel maybe,” said the president.
Outgoing Defense Secretary Leon Panetta told The Unconventional Gazette that “The Chinese are crazy! Crazy is what they are!”
While visiting the Islamic Center of Washington to address a gathering of Muslim clerics, newly appointed Secretary of State John Kerry said, “I have a strong suspicion that Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu was behind this grave incident.”
UPDATE February 17, 2013
MOSCOW – Our sources in the Kremlin inform us that less than two hours after Kerry’s remarks to Muslim clerics at the Islamic Center of Washington, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas sent President Putin this cable:
__"My dear friend Vlad. I have just been informed that U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has told a group of Muslim clerics that Netanyahu was behind the explosion that occurred over the city of Chelyabinsk. When I heard about the explosion, I immediately suspected that the Jews were to blame for this catastrophe. Now you can see why I will not sit down to negotiate a peace with the Netanyahu led Zionists. Rest assured that the Palestinian Authority stands ready to assist you in punishing the Jews for their despicable act. Your faithful friend - Mahmoud"
by Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / February 16, 2012
CHELYABINSK, RUSSIA – People in this city 900 miles east of Moscow are still in shock over the explosion of a 40-ton meteor traveling overhead at 33,000 mph. The explosion Friday damaged over 4,000 buildings and injured more than 1,200 people.
Although international astronomers and physicists insist that the object which flashed across the sky was a meteor, Chinese sources tell The Unconventional Gazette that the object was not a meteor, but a ballistic missile headed toward Beijing that was launched by the United States.
Ching Wang Peng, a spokesman for the People’s Liberation Army, said Defense Minister General Liang Guanglie ordered the PLA to intercept the incoming missile with China’s newly operational kinetic kill ABM. China’s new leader, Xi Jinping, congratulated Gen. Guanglie on the successful missile interception.
Russian President Vladimir Putin called Xi Jinping to protest China’s missile launch over Russia:
__“When you blew up that meteor into small pieces you cost my country billions of rubles in tourism business,” Putin scolded the Chinese leader.
__Xi Jinping replied, “What are you talking about Vlad? What meteor? We shot down an American missile that was headed toward Beijing.”
__Putin then asked, “What’s that? The Americans launched a missile at you that invaded our airspace? Are you sure?”
__”That’s what my defense minister told me,” answered Xi Jinping.
__Putin then said, “Well, there’s no sense in calling Obama. He’ll just blame it all on Bush.”
The Chinese leader has called for an emergency session of the U.N. Security Council to protest America’s unprovoked attack against the peaceful People’s Republic of China.
In a hastily called press conference, President Obama strongly denied that the United States had launched a missile against anyone. “I want to assure Mr. Putin and Xi Jinping that as long as I am in the White House, the United States will never fire a missile over Russia or against China, and not even against North Korea or Iran … against Israel maybe,” said the president.
Outgoing Defense Secretary Leon Panetta told The Unconventional Gazette that “The Chinese are crazy! Crazy is what they are!”
While visiting the Islamic Center of Washington to address a gathering of Muslim clerics, newly appointed Secretary of State John Kerry said, “I have a strong suspicion that Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu was behind this grave incident.”
UPDATE February 17, 2013
MOSCOW – Our sources in the Kremlin inform us that less than two hours after Kerry’s remarks to Muslim clerics at the Islamic Center of Washington, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas sent President Putin this cable:
__"My dear friend Vlad. I have just been informed that U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry has told a group of Muslim clerics that Netanyahu was behind the explosion that occurred over the city of Chelyabinsk. When I heard about the explosion, I immediately suspected that the Jews were to blame for this catastrophe. Now you can see why I will not sit down to negotiate a peace with the Netanyahu led Zionists. Rest assured that the Palestinian Authority stands ready to assist you in punishing the Jews for their despicable act. Your faithful friend - Mahmoud"
Thursday, February 14, 2013
GET THE QUARTERBACK
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / February 14, 2013
My neighbor George recently took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the New York Giants bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, George asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, first some guy in a striped shirt flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like ...... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!"
The Unconventional Gazette / February 14, 2013
My neighbor George recently took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the New York Giants bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, George asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, first some guy in a striped shirt flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like ...... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!"
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
PANICKED BIDEN INTERRUPTS STATE OF THE UNION TO ASK IF ERECTIONS CAN EVER BE MEDICAL EMERGENCY
The Onion / February 12, 2013
WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had a “huge honking woody that just won’t quit,” Vice President Joe Biden interrupted President Barack Obama during the State of the Union tonight, asking the commander-in-chief in a frightened voice if erections exceeding three days required emergency medical attention.
“Hey, Barry, sorry to interrupt your speech, man—but is 72 hours too long for a raging boner?” said the perspiring, agitated Biden, nervously motioning to the erection. “I wasn’t complaining for the first 36 hours—and neither was she-—but this monster is gonna rip my pants at the seams. It hurts, bud. I’m in pecker purgatory over here. Should we call somebody?”
At press time, Biden told Speaker of the House John Boehner that he needed to “get his bronco some shut-eye” so it could be “rodeo-ready” by the time “[wife] Jill gets home from the gym tomorrow.”
WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had a “huge honking woody that just won’t quit,” Vice President Joe Biden interrupted President Barack Obama during the State of the Union tonight, asking the commander-in-chief in a frightened voice if erections exceeding three days required emergency medical attention.
“Hey, Barry, sorry to interrupt your speech, man—but is 72 hours too long for a raging boner?” said the perspiring, agitated Biden, nervously motioning to the erection. “I wasn’t complaining for the first 36 hours—and neither was she-—but this monster is gonna rip my pants at the seams. It hurts, bud. I’m in pecker purgatory over here. Should we call somebody?”
At press time, Biden told Speaker of the House John Boehner that he needed to “get his bronco some shut-eye” so it could be “rodeo-ready” by the time “[wife] Jill gets home from the gym tomorrow.”
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING … WELL, NOT REALLY
By Bob Walsh
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 12, 2013
Hackers got into the Emergency Alert System of KRTV in Great Falls, Montana yesterday and broadcast an emergency alert stating that reanimated corpses were rising from their graves in several areas of Montana. The alert said that the zombies were attacking living people and that they were extremely dangerous. Views were urged not to approach zombies.
There were in fact no zombies. Just in case you were wondering. Of course the past is no guarantee of the future. Remember, you need head shots to kill zombies. Multiple hits from small-caliber weapons will do the job or one good shot from a large-caliber weapon, rifle or shotgun will usually do the trick. Just for future reference.
I would suggest they check with Orson Welles for likely suspects, but he has been dead for quite some time. Then again……
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 12, 2013
Hackers got into the Emergency Alert System of KRTV in Great Falls, Montana yesterday and broadcast an emergency alert stating that reanimated corpses were rising from their graves in several areas of Montana. The alert said that the zombies were attacking living people and that they were extremely dangerous. Views were urged not to approach zombies.
There were in fact no zombies. Just in case you were wondering. Of course the past is no guarantee of the future. Remember, you need head shots to kill zombies. Multiple hits from small-caliber weapons will do the job or one good shot from a large-caliber weapon, rifle or shotgun will usually do the trick. Just for future reference.
I would suggest they check with Orson Welles for likely suspects, but he has been dead for quite some time. Then again……
Monday, February 11, 2013
THE KID FROM MAINTENANCE VS. THE ENGINEERS
The Unconventional Gazette / February 11, 2013
A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."
A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."
DON’T LEAVE PRISONER AND KEYS IN THE COP CAR
By Bob Walsh
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 10, 2013
Anthony Sanchez, 32, is a former guest of the state and was out on parole when busted by the San Jose PD about 0330 on Wednesday morning. He was holding, so they gaffled him up and put him in the middle seat of the unmarked and uncaged mini-van. He is a big fellow, so he was wearing two sets of cuffs. While the cops were retrieving their paperwork he stepped through the cuffs, climbed into the front seat, started the van and drove off. The van was recovered a couple of hours later, minus Sanchez.
I wonder if stealing a police vehicle is considered to be a non-serious offense [under Gov. Moonbeam’s prison realignment]? Just wondering.
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 10, 2013
Anthony Sanchez, 32, is a former guest of the state and was out on parole when busted by the San Jose PD about 0330 on Wednesday morning. He was holding, so they gaffled him up and put him in the middle seat of the unmarked and uncaged mini-van. He is a big fellow, so he was wearing two sets of cuffs. While the cops were retrieving their paperwork he stepped through the cuffs, climbed into the front seat, started the van and drove off. The van was recovered a couple of hours later, minus Sanchez.
I wonder if stealing a police vehicle is considered to be a non-serious offense [under Gov. Moonbeam’s prison realignment]? Just wondering.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
SWEATING OBAMA ADMITS DRONE STRIKES HAVE BEEN HAPPENING ON THEIR OWN
The Onion / February 8, 2013
WASHINGTON—Speaking at a hastily called White House press conference Friday, a visibly tense and perspiring President Barack Obama confessed that the United States’ fleet of roughly 700 armed drones have been conducting airstrikes entirely on their own for the past several years.
“Look, I’m just going to come clean here: Every single U.S. drone currently deployed has been selecting and bombing targets without any guidance from military officials on the ground,” a trembling Obama told reporters, admitting that he last authorized a drone attack in 2010, and that recent strikes in Pakistan, Yemen, and most perplexingly, the Philippines, have been planned and executed entirely by the unmanned combat air vehicles themselves. “I’ll admit that the extensive use of drone aircraft was something my administration readily embraced, but we’ve lost all contact with these things, and as it stands now, we have no idea who or what is controlling them—or if they’re even being controlled at all. Jesus, these things are terrifying. We need to shut them down before it’s too late!”
At press time, all the blood had reportedly drained from Obama’s face and he stood stock-still as a faint whirring noise could be heard high above the White House briefing room.
WASHINGTON—Speaking at a hastily called White House press conference Friday, a visibly tense and perspiring President Barack Obama confessed that the United States’ fleet of roughly 700 armed drones have been conducting airstrikes entirely on their own for the past several years.
“Look, I’m just going to come clean here: Every single U.S. drone currently deployed has been selecting and bombing targets without any guidance from military officials on the ground,” a trembling Obama told reporters, admitting that he last authorized a drone attack in 2010, and that recent strikes in Pakistan, Yemen, and most perplexingly, the Philippines, have been planned and executed entirely by the unmanned combat air vehicles themselves. “I’ll admit that the extensive use of drone aircraft was something my administration readily embraced, but we’ve lost all contact with these things, and as it stands now, we have no idea who or what is controlling them—or if they’re even being controlled at all. Jesus, these things are terrifying. We need to shut them down before it’s too late!”
At press time, all the blood had reportedly drained from Obama’s face and he stood stock-still as a faint whirring noise could be heard high above the White House briefing room.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
ARKANSAS PREACHER DEBUNKS LATEST THEORY ON ORIGIN OF MAN
Says ‘Godless scientists are doing the work of the devil’
The Unconventional Gazette / February 9, 2013
Rev. Stanley Schmaltz, pastor of the Apostles of the Lord Church in Ash Flat, Arkansas, insists that the Book of Genesis is the only authority on the origin of man.
GODLESS SCIENTISTS SAY WHAT?: MAN DESCENDED FROM RAT
By The Reverend Stanley Schmaltz
Apostles of the Lord Church
February 9, 2013
ASH FLAT, ARKANSAS -- On Thursday, The New York Times reported that a team of bible bashing Godless researches led by Dr. Maureen A. O’Leary of Stony Brook University claims that mammals, including man, descended from a small insect-eating animal that existed millions of years ago and resembled a rat. First these heretics claimed that man descended from monkeys, now it’s rats. These ‘scientists’ will stop at nothing to cast doubt on the bible, especially on the Book of Genesis.
Those who doubt the Book of Genesis will surely go to Hell. Man did not descend from monkeys, least of all from a rat. God created the world in six days. On the sixth day the good Lord created Adam and Eve. Here is the honest to God’s truth on the origin of man:
__And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being (Genesis 2:7). And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man (Genesis 2:21,22).
God created man in his own image. Monkeys and now rats ... that’s blasphemy! The world is millions of years old ... that’s absurd! According to biblical scholars, the world is 6,000 years old and that is based on the word of God, not on a bunch of heathen studies.
Stony Brook University? That’s the place which on December 31, 1967 gave birth to the drug addled Yippie movement. Dr. O’Leary and her team must be direct descendants of those brain addled Yippies. That would explain their conclusions about the origin of man.
The Godless scientists are doing the work of the devil. May Dr. O’Leary and her team suffer damnation and forever roast in Hell! Amen!
The Unconventional Gazette / February 9, 2013
Rev. Stanley Schmaltz, pastor of the Apostles of the Lord Church in Ash Flat, Arkansas, insists that the Book of Genesis is the only authority on the origin of man.
GODLESS SCIENTISTS SAY WHAT?: MAN DESCENDED FROM RAT
By The Reverend Stanley Schmaltz
Apostles of the Lord Church
February 9, 2013
ASH FLAT, ARKANSAS -- On Thursday, The New York Times reported that a team of bible bashing Godless researches led by Dr. Maureen A. O’Leary of Stony Brook University claims that mammals, including man, descended from a small insect-eating animal that existed millions of years ago and resembled a rat. First these heretics claimed that man descended from monkeys, now it’s rats. These ‘scientists’ will stop at nothing to cast doubt on the bible, especially on the Book of Genesis.
Those who doubt the Book of Genesis will surely go to Hell. Man did not descend from monkeys, least of all from a rat. God created the world in six days. On the sixth day the good Lord created Adam and Eve. Here is the honest to God’s truth on the origin of man:
__And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being (Genesis 2:7). And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man (Genesis 2:21,22).
God created man in his own image. Monkeys and now rats ... that’s blasphemy! The world is millions of years old ... that’s absurd! According to biblical scholars, the world is 6,000 years old and that is based on the word of God, not on a bunch of heathen studies.
Stony Brook University? That’s the place which on December 31, 1967 gave birth to the drug addled Yippie movement. Dr. O’Leary and her team must be direct descendants of those brain addled Yippies. That would explain their conclusions about the origin of man.
The Godless scientists are doing the work of the devil. May Dr. O’Leary and her team suffer damnation and forever roast in Hell! Amen!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
POSTAL SERVICE: ‘AND WAIT UNTIL YOU COCKSUCKERS SEE WHAT WE DO WITH WEDNESDAYS’
The Onion / February 6, 2013
WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread dissatisfaction regarding the U.S. Postal Service’s newly announced plans to discontinue Saturday mail delivery service, Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahue told reporters this afternoon that the nation had better hold onto their dicks, because they’re going to absolutely lose their shit when they find out what the government agency has in store for Wednesdays.
“You think limited weekend delivery is bad—you assholes don’t even know what’s coming,” said Donahue, adding that Americans will literally shit their pants when the USPS reveals its upcoming fucking insane changes to midweek delivery schedules. “I hate to say it, but you motherfuckers brought this on yourselves. Time and time again we gave you the chance to send letters and parcels via the U.S. Postal Service, but you told us to shove it up our asses, and now you’re fucked.”
Donahue added that if Americans decide to finally nut up and mail some fucking letters, they know where the mailbox is.
WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread dissatisfaction regarding the U.S. Postal Service’s newly announced plans to discontinue Saturday mail delivery service, Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahue told reporters this afternoon that the nation had better hold onto their dicks, because they’re going to absolutely lose their shit when they find out what the government agency has in store for Wednesdays.
“You think limited weekend delivery is bad—you assholes don’t even know what’s coming,” said Donahue, adding that Americans will literally shit their pants when the USPS reveals its upcoming fucking insane changes to midweek delivery schedules. “I hate to say it, but you motherfuckers brought this on yourselves. Time and time again we gave you the chance to send letters and parcels via the U.S. Postal Service, but you told us to shove it up our asses, and now you’re fucked.”
Donahue added that if Americans decide to finally nut up and mail some fucking letters, they know where the mailbox is.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
WOUNDING OF TWO STUDENTS ON SCHOOL GROUNDS EMBOLDENS ANTI-ROP0ERS TO CALL FOR IMMEDIATE CONGRESSIONAL PASSAGE OF ROPE CONTROL
By Bob Walsh
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 5, 2013
Two students at South El Monte High School lost fingers yesterday in a tug-of-war game being done as part of Spirit Week. The rope they were using snapped, taking a finger off of one boy and one girl in the process.
Clearly we need rope control in order to protect our children. If even one child’s fingers can be saved, it will be worth it. I wonder if the rope was registered? Perhaps major stores should be pressured into not selling rope any more due to the obvious danger. Perhaps the possession of rope on or near schools should be restricted.
__________
kl2008a says:
Where’s the Congressional hearings on this matter? In California, the Senate has it scheduled for next week and the ACLU is already preparing a law suit against the school district for allowing “Spirit Week” touting that ANYTHING having to do with spirits is of a religious nature. MADD will be on the 6 o’clock news saying that the school is promoting the underage use of alcoholic beverages by having a “Spirit” Week. Only in California.
__________
The Unconventional Gazette reports:
Sen. Diane Feinstein, D-Calif., announced that the incident at El Monte High School was a tragedy that cannot be ignored. “Today I am introducing a bill to ban rope, “ said Feinstein. “I know this bill faces an uphill struggle, but there are too many ropes in the hands of people, especially children, and now is the time to remedy that.”
The National Rope Association (NRA) has just announced its opposition to any kind of rope control. Wayne La Parrot, executive director of the NRA, says “The Ninth Amendment to the Constitution protects the rights of America’s rope owners and the NRA will vigorously fight any attempt by the advocates of rope control to take our ropes away.”
On Monday, President Obama took his campaign to pass a ban on ropes to Minnesota. Flanked by a bevy of local law enforcement officials at the Minneapolis Police Department Special Operations Center, Obama said that “If we can save just one child from injury by enacting a ban on ropes, then now is the time for us to pass this important piece of legislation.”
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 5, 2013
Two students at South El Monte High School lost fingers yesterday in a tug-of-war game being done as part of Spirit Week. The rope they were using snapped, taking a finger off of one boy and one girl in the process.
Clearly we need rope control in order to protect our children. If even one child’s fingers can be saved, it will be worth it. I wonder if the rope was registered? Perhaps major stores should be pressured into not selling rope any more due to the obvious danger. Perhaps the possession of rope on or near schools should be restricted.
__________
kl2008a says:
Where’s the Congressional hearings on this matter? In California, the Senate has it scheduled for next week and the ACLU is already preparing a law suit against the school district for allowing “Spirit Week” touting that ANYTHING having to do with spirits is of a religious nature. MADD will be on the 6 o’clock news saying that the school is promoting the underage use of alcoholic beverages by having a “Spirit” Week. Only in California.
__________
The Unconventional Gazette reports:
Sen. Diane Feinstein, D-Calif., announced that the incident at El Monte High School was a tragedy that cannot be ignored. “Today I am introducing a bill to ban rope, “ said Feinstein. “I know this bill faces an uphill struggle, but there are too many ropes in the hands of people, especially children, and now is the time to remedy that.”
The National Rope Association (NRA) has just announced its opposition to any kind of rope control. Wayne La Parrot, executive director of the NRA, says “The Ninth Amendment to the Constitution protects the rights of America’s rope owners and the NRA will vigorously fight any attempt by the advocates of rope control to take our ropes away.”
On Monday, President Obama took his campaign to pass a ban on ropes to Minnesota. Flanked by a bevy of local law enforcement officials at the Minneapolis Police Department Special Operations Center, Obama said that “If we can save just one child from injury by enacting a ban on ropes, then now is the time for us to pass this important piece of legislation.”
Monday, February 4, 2013
PHOTO ACTUALLY DOES SHOW PRESIDENT OBAMA SHOOTING SKEET AT CAMP DAVID
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / February 4, 2013
Skepticism has now been dispelled about President Obama firing at skeet while holding his shotgun parallel to the ground.
A Houston police officer just told me he has it on good authority that Obama was shooting skeet, that is he was shooting a Republican named Skeet.
The Unconventional Gazette / February 4, 2013
Skepticism has now been dispelled about President Obama firing at skeet while holding his shotgun parallel to the ground.
A Houston police officer just told me he has it on good authority that Obama was shooting skeet, that is he was shooting a Republican named Skeet.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
FOUR-FLUSHING PHONY SKEET SHOOTER
Obama-with-shotgun photo reminiscent of 1988 Michael Dukakis-in-tank photo
BarkGrowlBite / February 2, 2013
The White House must believe that all of us are either extremely stupid humans or brilliant apes.
President Obama insists that he supports the Second Amendment. During an interview for the New Republic magazine, Franklin Foer asked the president, “Have you ever fired a gun?” Obama answered "Yes, in fact, up at Camp David, we do skeet shooting all the time." To prove his claim, the White House today released a photo showing Obama firing a shotgun.
The photo shows Obama wearing jeans, a dark blue, short-sleeved polo shirt, sunglasses and ear protectors, and firing a shotgun positioned awkwardly high against his left shoulder while holding and firing the gun parallel to the ground. Now I’ve done some skeet shooting myself and I’ve watched professional skeet shooters. I know that I had to angle my shotgun upwards to aim and fire at those elusive skeets as they flew by overhead. The only time I would hold my gun parallel to the ground was to get set for the trap to launch that clay disc.
After seeing the photo I began to suspect that this may very well have been the first time Obama ever fired a gun.
The White House presented the gullible fools among us with a photo of the president firing a shotgun, but the four-flushing phony was definitely not shooting at skeets.
BarkGrowlBite / February 2, 2013
The White House must believe that all of us are either extremely stupid humans or brilliant apes.
President Obama insists that he supports the Second Amendment. During an interview for the New Republic magazine, Franklin Foer asked the president, “Have you ever fired a gun?” Obama answered "Yes, in fact, up at Camp David, we do skeet shooting all the time." To prove his claim, the White House today released a photo showing Obama firing a shotgun.
The photo shows Obama wearing jeans, a dark blue, short-sleeved polo shirt, sunglasses and ear protectors, and firing a shotgun positioned awkwardly high against his left shoulder while holding and firing the gun parallel to the ground. Now I’ve done some skeet shooting myself and I’ve watched professional skeet shooters. I know that I had to angle my shotgun upwards to aim and fire at those elusive skeets as they flew by overhead. The only time I would hold my gun parallel to the ground was to get set for the trap to launch that clay disc.
After seeing the photo I began to suspect that this may very well have been the first time Obama ever fired a gun.
The White House presented the gullible fools among us with a photo of the president firing a shotgun, but the four-flushing phony was definitely not shooting at skeets.
Friday, February 1, 2013
SPEECH BY CALIFORNIA’S GOVERNOR SPOTLIGHTS PRISON INMATE BALDNESS
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / February 1, 2013
SACRAMENTO -- Climate change has now been added to the list of problems facing the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR), according to Governor Jerry Brown, during a dinner speech given before a group of environmentalists at the Carbon Footprint Symposium, held in Palm Springs this past Tuesday. Citing a recently released scientific study involving inmates at Calipatria and Ironwood State prisons in Southern California, researchers have “demonstrated that a significant increase in unhealthy levels of CO2 (carbon-based) emissions have been rising at alarming levels.” Proponents of climate change have argued for more than a decade that CO2 emissions attribute to erratic changes in weather cycles through the erosion of the ozone layer.
According to Brown, the findings of the study indicate that,”…reflective human epidermal surfaces, absent follicle-based absorbent materials, generate higher levels of hydrothermal energy, which, when unabated, produces CO2 emissions greater than the exhaust of a four-cylinder automobile.” The Governor offered, “This study really has me scratching my head. It clearly states that bald-headed inmates are ruining our atmosphere at an alarming rate.”
Environmental groups were quick to laud the report as a major break-through in identifying culprits in climate change. According to Andrew Summers, a spokesman for Citizen Opposition to Climate Killers, those who “needlessly impact the environment through willful acts of negligence cannot be tolerated, especially through a government-funded entity like the prison system.” Summers demanded an immediate redress of the issue, has been in communication with the Environmental Protection Agency, and threatened to file suit in federal court if the issue was not handled properly by the State.
A spokesperson for the governor’s office was reluctant to offer any specific remedies until the entire report and its ramifications could be considered thoroughly. “The popularity of baldness among the inmate population of the California prison system is well-known. We may have to require inmates to grow their hair back, or resort to requiring inmates wear C02-absorbent caps as part of the prisoner uniform.”
SACRAMENTO -- Climate change has now been added to the list of problems facing the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR), according to Governor Jerry Brown, during a dinner speech given before a group of environmentalists at the Carbon Footprint Symposium, held in Palm Springs this past Tuesday. Citing a recently released scientific study involving inmates at Calipatria and Ironwood State prisons in Southern California, researchers have “demonstrated that a significant increase in unhealthy levels of CO2 (carbon-based) emissions have been rising at alarming levels.” Proponents of climate change have argued for more than a decade that CO2 emissions attribute to erratic changes in weather cycles through the erosion of the ozone layer.
According to Brown, the findings of the study indicate that,”…reflective human epidermal surfaces, absent follicle-based absorbent materials, generate higher levels of hydrothermal energy, which, when unabated, produces CO2 emissions greater than the exhaust of a four-cylinder automobile.” The Governor offered, “This study really has me scratching my head. It clearly states that bald-headed inmates are ruining our atmosphere at an alarming rate.”
Environmental groups were quick to laud the report as a major break-through in identifying culprits in climate change. According to Andrew Summers, a spokesman for Citizen Opposition to Climate Killers, those who “needlessly impact the environment through willful acts of negligence cannot be tolerated, especially through a government-funded entity like the prison system.” Summers demanded an immediate redress of the issue, has been in communication with the Environmental Protection Agency, and threatened to file suit in federal court if the issue was not handled properly by the State.
A spokesperson for the governor’s office was reluctant to offer any specific remedies until the entire report and its ramifications could be considered thoroughly. “The popularity of baldness among the inmate population of the California prison system is well-known. We may have to require inmates to grow their hair back, or resort to requiring inmates wear C02-absorbent caps as part of the prisoner uniform.”
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