The Onion / January 29, 2013
CHICAGO—Having tallied a “very promising” 41 murders so far in 2013, police officials confirmed Tuesday that the annual Chicago Homicide Drive was off to its fastest start in more than a decade and was already well on its way to reaching this year’s goal for violent slayings.
“It’s still January, but we’ve already seen an astounding number of contributions to this year’s murder drive,” Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy told reporters as he raised the red progress line on the Homicide Drive’s Murdometer, a 15-foot plywood silhouette of a gunned-down body that stands outside City Hall. “I don’t think anyone dreamed it would be possible to break last year’s staggering total of 506 murders, but with so many people chipping in all across the city, we may just do it. There’s a tremendous community-wide level of interest and participation in this yearly event, which is quickly becoming a treasured part of Chicago culture.”
While McCarthy said he remained confident that Chicagoans would set a new Homicide Drive record this year, he cautioned that the city was beginning to face a shortage of potential victims in many of its highest-contributing neighborhoods.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
ROLL OF THE DICE
The Unconventional Gazette / January 28, 2013
A voluptuous blonde from Houston arrived at the Coushatta Casino in Kinder, Louisiana.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She told everyone at the table, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with a Texas twang yelled, "Come on, baby, mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged both of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other one answered, "I don't know… I thought you were watching the dice."
A voluptuous blonde from Houston arrived at the Coushatta Casino in Kinder, Louisiana.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She told everyone at the table, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with a Texas twang yelled, "Come on, baby, mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged both of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other one answered, "I don't know… I thought you were watching the dice."
Saturday, January 26, 2013
8TH GRADER IMPREGNATED DURING TRIP TO 'MARCH FOR LIFE' EVENT
The Onion / January 25, 2013
WASHINGTON—Mallory Pickens, a 13-year-old pro-life extremist attending today’s March for Life event in the nation’s capital, was reportedly unaware that she had been impregnated the previous evening by a fellow member of her church’s anti-abortion organization.
“Right to choose? That’s a lie! Babies do not choose to die!” chanted the sign-toting Lambs of Christ activist who is utterly ignorant of the fact that the semen of Kirk Tussle, a 13-year-old fellow church member and pro-life extremist, had completed the capacitation stage and resulted in a fertilized zygote following a fumbling sexual encounter at the Holiday Inn Express where their group had rented several adjoining rooms. “Life from conception! No exception!”
At press time, sources close to Pickens predict that after discovering the pregnancy she will drop out of school, isolate herself from friends and family, and suffer crippling postpartum depression.
WASHINGTON—Mallory Pickens, a 13-year-old pro-life extremist attending today’s March for Life event in the nation’s capital, was reportedly unaware that she had been impregnated the previous evening by a fellow member of her church’s anti-abortion organization.
“Right to choose? That’s a lie! Babies do not choose to die!” chanted the sign-toting Lambs of Christ activist who is utterly ignorant of the fact that the semen of Kirk Tussle, a 13-year-old fellow church member and pro-life extremist, had completed the capacitation stage and resulted in a fertilized zygote following a fumbling sexual encounter at the Holiday Inn Express where their group had rented several adjoining rooms. “Life from conception! No exception!”
At press time, sources close to Pickens predict that after discovering the pregnancy she will drop out of school, isolate herself from friends and family, and suffer crippling postpartum depression.
Friday, January 25, 2013
U.S. MILITARY LAUDED FOR CREATING GENDER-NEUTRAL KILLING FIELD
The Onion / January 24, 2013
WASHINGTON—Female veterans and feminist activist groups are commending the Pentagon this week following a watershed policy change that will lift the ban on women in combat roles, rendering the battlefield an equal-opportunity death zone.
“The U.S. Armed Forces have been gender-neutral in their victims for years, and now they’re finally leveling the killing field for female combatants as well,” said Nadine Hynes, a retired Marine Corps Lance Corporal who was unable to add to the carnage of Iraq’s blood-soaked, limb-strewn slaughterscapes due to the Pentagon’s 1994 rule barring women from infantry and artillery roles. “Now, women will have the same opportunity to accidentally gun down innocent civilians or be ripped apart by insurgent rocket fire as men.”
At press time, servicewomen were celebrating the likelihood of additional policy gains that would include the right to return from service equally haunted by their ordeals, and the right to face just as many hurdles to proper mental health care as their fellow servicemen.
WASHINGTON—Female veterans and feminist activist groups are commending the Pentagon this week following a watershed policy change that will lift the ban on women in combat roles, rendering the battlefield an equal-opportunity death zone.
“The U.S. Armed Forces have been gender-neutral in their victims for years, and now they’re finally leveling the killing field for female combatants as well,” said Nadine Hynes, a retired Marine Corps Lance Corporal who was unable to add to the carnage of Iraq’s blood-soaked, limb-strewn slaughterscapes due to the Pentagon’s 1994 rule barring women from infantry and artillery roles. “Now, women will have the same opportunity to accidentally gun down innocent civilians or be ripped apart by insurgent rocket fire as men.”
At press time, servicewomen were celebrating the likelihood of additional policy gains that would include the right to return from service equally haunted by their ordeals, and the right to face just as many hurdles to proper mental health care as their fellow servicemen.
HOW JOB CUTS WORK
The Unconventional Gazette / January 25, 2013
A driver stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his soda and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the driver with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," he said, tossing the soda can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the city and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us ..... Me ..... Elmer ..... and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer puts in the tree ..... and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut by the city ..... so now it's just me an' Leroy.”
A driver stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his soda and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the driver with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," he said, tossing the soda can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the city and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us ..... Me ..... Elmer ..... and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer puts in the tree ..... and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut by the city ..... so now it's just me an' Leroy.”
Thursday, January 24, 2013
LITTLE JOHNNY ON HOME INVADERS
The Unconventional Gazette / January 24, 2013
Lucille Hansen, a third grade teacher, asked her class what they would do if they were at home alone and a stranger broke into their house.
Little Rebecca stood up and said, “Miss Hansen, I would crawl under my bed and hide until he left.”
“That’s good, Becky,” Miss Hansen replied.
Bobby stood up and said, “Miss Hansen, I would call 911 and then go hide in a closet.”
“That’s very good, Bobby,” Miss Hansen replied.
Gerald stood up and said, “Miss Hansen, I would jump out the window and run over to my neighbor’s house.”
Miss Hansen said, “That’s good too, Jerry.”
Then little Johnny stood up as Miss Hansen dreaded what he might say.
Little Johnny said, “Gee Miss Hansen, that's easy. I would grab my father’s gun and blow that sucker’s shit away!”
Lucille Hansen, a third grade teacher, asked her class what they would do if they were at home alone and a stranger broke into their house.
Little Rebecca stood up and said, “Miss Hansen, I would crawl under my bed and hide until he left.”
“That’s good, Becky,” Miss Hansen replied.
Bobby stood up and said, “Miss Hansen, I would call 911 and then go hide in a closet.”
“That’s very good, Bobby,” Miss Hansen replied.
Gerald stood up and said, “Miss Hansen, I would jump out the window and run over to my neighbor’s house.”
Miss Hansen said, “That’s good too, Jerry.”
Then little Johnny stood up as Miss Hansen dreaded what he might say.
Little Johnny said, “Gee Miss Hansen, that's easy. I would grab my father’s gun and blow that sucker’s shit away!”
THE ‘WHO AM I?’ GAME
The Unconventional Gazette / January 24, 2013
The mailman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual delivery route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the mailman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The mailman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the family jewels showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The mailman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.’
The mailman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual delivery route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the mailman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The mailman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the family jewels showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The mailman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.’
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
PRINCE HARRY: ‘I KILLED TALIBAN-LOOKING PEOPLE’
The Onion / January 22, 2013
CAMP BASTION, AFGHANISTAN—Completing his four-month tour of duty in Afghanistan, Prince Harry of Wales admitted in interviews this week to having killed a number of “Taliban-looking people” while serving with the British Army Air Corps.
“They were definitely dressed pretty Taliban-y, wearing those scarves and robe things, and they were speaking that al-Qaeda-sounding language,” Queen Elizabeth II’s 28-year-old grandson said of the Afghan insurgents he shot and killed while co-piloting an Apache helicopter to provide air support for ground forces. “Who else could it have been? It’s Afghanistan. They’re all over this place in their dirty Taliban homes. Those Taliban kids are hard to hit, by the way—they’re quick.”
Upon returning home, Harry, who is third in line to the British throne, reported sighting numerous Taliban insurgents working in shops, running businesses, and walking around London in plain view.
CAMP BASTION, AFGHANISTAN—Completing his four-month tour of duty in Afghanistan, Prince Harry of Wales admitted in interviews this week to having killed a number of “Taliban-looking people” while serving with the British Army Air Corps.
“They were definitely dressed pretty Taliban-y, wearing those scarves and robe things, and they were speaking that al-Qaeda-sounding language,” Queen Elizabeth II’s 28-year-old grandson said of the Afghan insurgents he shot and killed while co-piloting an Apache helicopter to provide air support for ground forces. “Who else could it have been? It’s Afghanistan. They’re all over this place in their dirty Taliban homes. Those Taliban kids are hard to hit, by the way—they’re quick.”
Upon returning home, Harry, who is third in line to the British throne, reported sighting numerous Taliban insurgents working in shops, running businesses, and walking around London in plain view.
THE PROBLEM SOLVER: LARRY THE CABLE GUY
The Unconventional Gazette / January 23, 2013
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida... Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
How about:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The 10 Commandments
COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the 10 Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post No. 7 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and No. 8 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' and No. 9 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians because it creates a hostile work environment.
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida... Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
How about:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The 10 Commandments
COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the 10 Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post No. 7 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and No. 8 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' and No. 9 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians because it creates a hostile work environment.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
62-YEAR-OLD WITH GUN ONLY ONE STANDING BETWEEN NATION AND FULL-SCALE GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER
Earl Bailey, the last thing standing between the American people and a totalitarian state
The Onion / January 22, 2013
NORFOLK, VA—According to numerous reports, local 62-year-old Earl Bailey, who owns a shotgun and several boxes of ammunition, is currently the last bastion of defense between the United States of America and the federal government’s plot of a full-scale takeover.
Bailey, a recent retiree and a proud advocate of gun rights, has been confirmed by multiple sources as being a true patriot, and is, at present, the only person capable of preventing top-secret forces within the government from striking and forcefully coercing hundreds of millions of Americans to submit to a fascist and brutal New World Order.
Since the early 1990s, sources estimated the gun owner has staved off innumerable large-scale government threats, all from the center of his 12-acre ranch.
“It is every American’s right to be good and armed, and that’s a right that should always be protected,” said Bailey, now the sole American protecting the nation from the government’s hidden plot of disarming all citizens, gradually gaining control of the mass media, and installing martial law throughout the nation’s streets. “Our Founding Fathers intended for each and every one of us to protect ourselves from tyranny. That’s what America is all about.”
“What happens when the feds show up at your front door and start telling you how much meat you can eat or how to raise your kids?” continued the lifetime NRA member, brandishing the very weapon that now serves as the final hope of staving off a totalitarian state. “Is that the future you want?”
Bailey, who keeps his gun on his person at all times and regularly patrols his property in his truck, has reportedly struck dread into the very highest-ranking members of the U.S. government. According to sources, top government and military officials are fully aware that they remain unable to commence with their oppressive, systematic subjugation of the American populace as long as the 62-year-old owner of a rifle exists.
Additional reports confirmed that Bailey’s frequent practice of shooting his gun at empty bean cans in his backyard has repeatedly forced government officials to reassess both their ground and air strategies for the impending takeover.
“The way I see it, the Second Amendment’s been keeping this nation free and secure for well over 200 years,” Bailey said, valiantly standing in front of his home that is constantly being monitored by CIA agents and elite Special Forces operatives, who are told to maintain a safe distance from the formidable 62-year-old. “First they’ll come for our guns and next…well, shoot, I don’t really plan on ever seeing what the hell happens next.”
While the federal government is more than adequately prepared to begin the first phase of its plan of convoying Second Amendment adherents to newly established FEMA concentration camps, high-level members of the Obama Administration involved in the widespread conspiracy confirmed that they have been forced to resort to alternate methods due solely to Bailey’s heroics.
“As long as there’s someone like Earl out there with a gun and ammunition, we are unable to carry out our attack on America,” said Maxwell Caufield, a covert military leader in charge of the operation to turn the country into an authoritarian, one-party state wherein the basic rights of citizens are stripped away in order to create total government control. “Try as we did to spread our distorted gun control propaganda—claiming that it would protect innocent people across the country from needless deaths—the man just wouldn’t bite. There is simply nothing we can do about Earl and his gun, damn him.”
“You’ve got to hand it to him, really,” Caufield added. “If it weren’t for Earl, you’d be looking at a totally different country.”
The Onion / January 22, 2013
NORFOLK, VA—According to numerous reports, local 62-year-old Earl Bailey, who owns a shotgun and several boxes of ammunition, is currently the last bastion of defense between the United States of America and the federal government’s plot of a full-scale takeover.
Bailey, a recent retiree and a proud advocate of gun rights, has been confirmed by multiple sources as being a true patriot, and is, at present, the only person capable of preventing top-secret forces within the government from striking and forcefully coercing hundreds of millions of Americans to submit to a fascist and brutal New World Order.
Since the early 1990s, sources estimated the gun owner has staved off innumerable large-scale government threats, all from the center of his 12-acre ranch.
“It is every American’s right to be good and armed, and that’s a right that should always be protected,” said Bailey, now the sole American protecting the nation from the government’s hidden plot of disarming all citizens, gradually gaining control of the mass media, and installing martial law throughout the nation’s streets. “Our Founding Fathers intended for each and every one of us to protect ourselves from tyranny. That’s what America is all about.”
“What happens when the feds show up at your front door and start telling you how much meat you can eat or how to raise your kids?” continued the lifetime NRA member, brandishing the very weapon that now serves as the final hope of staving off a totalitarian state. “Is that the future you want?”
Bailey, who keeps his gun on his person at all times and regularly patrols his property in his truck, has reportedly struck dread into the very highest-ranking members of the U.S. government. According to sources, top government and military officials are fully aware that they remain unable to commence with their oppressive, systematic subjugation of the American populace as long as the 62-year-old owner of a rifle exists.
Additional reports confirmed that Bailey’s frequent practice of shooting his gun at empty bean cans in his backyard has repeatedly forced government officials to reassess both their ground and air strategies for the impending takeover.
“The way I see it, the Second Amendment’s been keeping this nation free and secure for well over 200 years,” Bailey said, valiantly standing in front of his home that is constantly being monitored by CIA agents and elite Special Forces operatives, who are told to maintain a safe distance from the formidable 62-year-old. “First they’ll come for our guns and next…well, shoot, I don’t really plan on ever seeing what the hell happens next.”
While the federal government is more than adequately prepared to begin the first phase of its plan of convoying Second Amendment adherents to newly established FEMA concentration camps, high-level members of the Obama Administration involved in the widespread conspiracy confirmed that they have been forced to resort to alternate methods due solely to Bailey’s heroics.
“As long as there’s someone like Earl out there with a gun and ammunition, we are unable to carry out our attack on America,” said Maxwell Caufield, a covert military leader in charge of the operation to turn the country into an authoritarian, one-party state wherein the basic rights of citizens are stripped away in order to create total government control. “Try as we did to spread our distorted gun control propaganda—claiming that it would protect innocent people across the country from needless deaths—the man just wouldn’t bite. There is simply nothing we can do about Earl and his gun, damn him.”
“You’ve got to hand it to him, really,” Caufield added. “If it weren’t for Earl, you’d be looking at a totally different country.”
Monday, January 21, 2013
BANNED FROM THE TARGET STORE
The Unconventional Gazette / January 21, 2013
A woman, who insisted that her retired husband accompany her whenever she went shopping, received the following letter from Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1) June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3) July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.' This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6) August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
9) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
10) October 20: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
11) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
A woman, who insisted that her retired husband accompany her whenever she went shopping, received the following letter from Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1) June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3) July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.' This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6) August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
9) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
10) October 20: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
11) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
TIME OUT FOR HAROLD
The Unconventional Gazette / January 17, 2013
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
_____
Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?'
_____
The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
_____
Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
_____
Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
_____
Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?'
_____
The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
_____
Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
_____
Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
OBAMA GUN CONTROL PLAN: ONLY LIBERAL DEMOCRATS WILL BE ALLOWED TO OWN GUNS
By Bob Walsh
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / January 16, 2013
President Barack Hussein Obama announced his gun violence reduction plan today.
Hence forth only registered Democrats who are self-described liberals will be allowed to own any sort of firearm. All other persons will be required to surrender their firearms to federal authorities within 90 days, under pain of summary execution for refusal. Voter registration rolls are frozen for the next 120 days so no one can hide out and pretend to be a liberal Democrat in order to retain their guns.
The President is fully confident that good, solid liberal Democrats are all honest, competent and mentally healthy so their ownership of firearms should result in no threat to the government nor to public safety.
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / January 16, 2013
President Barack Hussein Obama announced his gun violence reduction plan today.
Hence forth only registered Democrats who are self-described liberals will be allowed to own any sort of firearm. All other persons will be required to surrender their firearms to federal authorities within 90 days, under pain of summary execution for refusal. Voter registration rolls are frozen for the next 120 days so no one can hide out and pretend to be a liberal Democrat in order to retain their guns.
The President is fully confident that good, solid liberal Democrats are all honest, competent and mentally healthy so their ownership of firearms should result in no threat to the government nor to public safety.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
BOB’S Q&A OF THE DAY
Howie Katz asks: Bob, how do you explain why everyone inside that Flint, Michigan church said they did not hear a gunshot during a funeral in which one of the mourners was shot to death?
Bob Walsh answers: I’m thinking maybe the choir was too loud and drowned out the sound of the shot.
Bob Walsh answers: I’m thinking maybe the choir was too loud and drowned out the sound of the shot.
Monday, January 14, 2013
POTENTIAL WAR BETWEEN RUSSIA AND CHINA
The Unconventional Gazette / January 14, 2013
The general in command of the Russian Army War College gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?"
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"
The general replied, "All indications point to China."
Everyone in the audience was shocked.
A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"
The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."
After a small pause, yet another officer, from the back of the auditorium, asked,
"Do we have enough Jews?"
The general in command of the Russian Army War College gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?"
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"
The general replied, "All indications point to China."
Everyone in the audience was shocked.
A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"
The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."
After a small pause, yet another officer, from the back of the auditorium, asked,
"Do we have enough Jews?"
SOUNDING LIKE HIS EX-WIFE
The Unconventional Gazette / January 14, 2013
Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the loading bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
”I wasn’t!"
Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the loading bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
”I wasn’t!"
Sunday, January 13, 2013
SUNDAY SERMON
Satan vs. God
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created Obamacare.
And unless we cast off Satan's spell, we are going straight to hell.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created Obamacare.
And unless we cast off Satan's spell, we are going straight to hell.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
CALIFORNIA 162 YEARS AGO
PACOVILLA Corrections blog / January 12, 2013
Did you know what happened 162 years ago this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state:
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except back then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.
Did you know what happened 162 years ago this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state:
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except back then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.
Friday, January 11, 2013
NETANYAHU TO OBAMA: YOUR IGNORANCE ABOUT THE GEOPOLITICS OF ISRAEL’S SURVIVAL IS THE RESULT OF THE ANTI-SEMITIC AND PRO-PALESTINIAN RANTS DISHED OUT BY YOUR LONGTIME MENTOR REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT
By Ima Schmuck
The Unconventional Gazette / January 11, 2013
Suppose we could set up a therapeutic group encounter session concerning the Israeli-Palestinian conflict with President Obama, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu, Israeli President Shimon Perez, U.S. Defense Secretary designate Chuck Hagel, and New York Times Pulitzer-prize winning columnist Thomas Friedman as the group members, with each of them having been injected with the truth serum.
This is how the session might have gone with me acting as the group facilitator:
Schmuck: President Obama, can you tell us how you really feel about Prime Minister Netanyahu?
Obama: You bet I can. That damn Jew has been a thorn in my side ever since I took office. He refuses to make peace with the Palestinians. He has done nothing but hurt our relations not only with the Arab world, but also with the rest of the international community. I can’t stand that fucking Jew asshole! If I could, I would have the CIA assassinate that damn bastard! What really galls me is that he had the audacity to lecture me on Israel’s security problems. How dare he lecture the President of the United States, the greatest leader of the world!
Netanyahu: Mr. Obama, you bet I lectured you, you dumbass! Your ignorance about the geopolitics of Israel’s survival is the result of the anti-Semitic and pro-Palestinian rants dished out by your longtime mentor Rev. Jeremiah Wright. You needed lecturing to. You have been the most anti-Israel president ever because you want to kiss up to the Muslim world. You say you are our friend and that Israel has your back. It’s more like stabbing us in the back. While you support us in the UN, and for that we are grateful, you constantly condemn us for expanding our existing settlements and for building more homes in Jerusalem, the eternal capital of Israel. You want us to withdraw to borders that are indefensible. You believe all that bullshit about two states living side by side in peace that Abbas tells the world in English, while at the same time he tells the Arab world in Arabic that there can be only one state from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean Sea. And that's not a Jewish state, you dumbass!
Schmuck: Mr. Perez would you like to respond to Bibi’s remarks about Mr. Abbas?
Perez: Yes I would, thank you. But first let me say that I believe President Obama is a true friend of Israel. … Bibi, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. My friend Mahmoud has assured me that he really wants to have two states living side by side in peace and prosperity. He’s told me that he loves the Jewish people but can’t say so publically because if he did his life wouldn’t be worth a plug shekel. Mahmoud is a true partner in peace and you’re just too stupid to see it. You, Bibi, are an obstacle to peace, damn you!
Abbas: Wait a minute, my friend Shimon. Yes, I’ve told you all that crap and I’m shocked that you actually believed me. I guess it must be your age. There is no way a Jewish state and a Palestinian state can exist side by side in peace. We are going to eradicate the Zionist entity that you are president of. Love the Jews? I hate the Jews, you old fool! It’s a shame Hitler did not have enough gas chambers to finish the job. Jews have no business in the land of Palestine. They should go back to Germany, Poland, Russia or wherever else they came from. And Bibi, you mark my words, there will be no Israel on the map if I get my way.
Netanyahu: Fuck you Mahmoud!
Abbas: Fuck you too, you descendant of apes and pigs!
Schmuck: Now fellas, let’s stop that! Senator Hagel, give us your thoughts on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Hagel: Well, let me start out by saying that I do not want to see the State of Israel eradicated. Having said that though, I must say that Israel is responsible for all the problems in the Middle East. The Israelis have oppressed the Palestinian people since 1948. They have taken over their lands and have treated the Palestinians in the West Bank with an iron fist. The Palestinians are desperate. That is why they have resorted to striking at civilian targets within the Jewish state. Some people call that terrorism, I call it the acts of a desperate people.
Schmuck: What did you mean when you referred to “the Jewish lobby?”
Hagel: I wish I had not used that term because it makes me look anti-Semitic. When I served in the Senate, I was troubled by how most members of Congress were intimidated by the Jewish lobby. I thought that Congress was supposed to represent the United States, not Israel. It was all about that Jew money – you know money talks, bullshit walks. When I was in the Senate, I represented the State of Nebraska, not the State of Israel.
Schmuck: Mr. Friedman, can we have your thoughts?
Friedman: Yes, and it’s about time. I don’t understand why you didn’t call on me first. After all I am a Pulitzer-Prize winner …
Obama: So what, I am a Nobel Peace Prize winner!
Friedman: … and I consider myself an expert on just about any subject imaginable. Anyway, as a Jew I feel eminently qualified to speak out on Israel. First, I agree with President Perez. Netanyahu is an obstacle to peace, man is he ever! Under Netanyahu, the Israelis are acting like Nazis in their oppression of the Palestinians. And I agree with Chuck Hagel. I don’t blame the Palestinians for resorting to acts of what some call terrorism, but what I prefer to call a fight for freedom. Israel has brought that on itself. And yes, Israel is responsible for all the problems in the Middle East. Bibi, shame, shame on you for calling President Obama a dumbass! He may not be the brightest star on the horizon, but he is the best friend Israel ever had. You insulted the greatest leader in the world when you stooped to lecturing him. You make me sick you fucking kike, you make me ashamed to be a Jew!
Schmuck: I’m sorry, but I have to interrupt you here because we are out of time. Thank you all for expressing yourselves the way you really feel.
The Unconventional Gazette / January 11, 2013
Suppose we could set up a therapeutic group encounter session concerning the Israeli-Palestinian conflict with President Obama, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu, Israeli President Shimon Perez, U.S. Defense Secretary designate Chuck Hagel, and New York Times Pulitzer-prize winning columnist Thomas Friedman as the group members, with each of them having been injected with the truth serum.
This is how the session might have gone with me acting as the group facilitator:
Schmuck: President Obama, can you tell us how you really feel about Prime Minister Netanyahu?
Obama: You bet I can. That damn Jew has been a thorn in my side ever since I took office. He refuses to make peace with the Palestinians. He has done nothing but hurt our relations not only with the Arab world, but also with the rest of the international community. I can’t stand that fucking Jew asshole! If I could, I would have the CIA assassinate that damn bastard! What really galls me is that he had the audacity to lecture me on Israel’s security problems. How dare he lecture the President of the United States, the greatest leader of the world!
Netanyahu: Mr. Obama, you bet I lectured you, you dumbass! Your ignorance about the geopolitics of Israel’s survival is the result of the anti-Semitic and pro-Palestinian rants dished out by your longtime mentor Rev. Jeremiah Wright. You needed lecturing to. You have been the most anti-Israel president ever because you want to kiss up to the Muslim world. You say you are our friend and that Israel has your back. It’s more like stabbing us in the back. While you support us in the UN, and for that we are grateful, you constantly condemn us for expanding our existing settlements and for building more homes in Jerusalem, the eternal capital of Israel. You want us to withdraw to borders that are indefensible. You believe all that bullshit about two states living side by side in peace that Abbas tells the world in English, while at the same time he tells the Arab world in Arabic that there can be only one state from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean Sea. And that's not a Jewish state, you dumbass!
Schmuck: Mr. Perez would you like to respond to Bibi’s remarks about Mr. Abbas?
Perez: Yes I would, thank you. But first let me say that I believe President Obama is a true friend of Israel. … Bibi, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. My friend Mahmoud has assured me that he really wants to have two states living side by side in peace and prosperity. He’s told me that he loves the Jewish people but can’t say so publically because if he did his life wouldn’t be worth a plug shekel. Mahmoud is a true partner in peace and you’re just too stupid to see it. You, Bibi, are an obstacle to peace, damn you!
Abbas: Wait a minute, my friend Shimon. Yes, I’ve told you all that crap and I’m shocked that you actually believed me. I guess it must be your age. There is no way a Jewish state and a Palestinian state can exist side by side in peace. We are going to eradicate the Zionist entity that you are president of. Love the Jews? I hate the Jews, you old fool! It’s a shame Hitler did not have enough gas chambers to finish the job. Jews have no business in the land of Palestine. They should go back to Germany, Poland, Russia or wherever else they came from. And Bibi, you mark my words, there will be no Israel on the map if I get my way.
Netanyahu: Fuck you Mahmoud!
Abbas: Fuck you too, you descendant of apes and pigs!
Schmuck: Now fellas, let’s stop that! Senator Hagel, give us your thoughts on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Hagel: Well, let me start out by saying that I do not want to see the State of Israel eradicated. Having said that though, I must say that Israel is responsible for all the problems in the Middle East. The Israelis have oppressed the Palestinian people since 1948. They have taken over their lands and have treated the Palestinians in the West Bank with an iron fist. The Palestinians are desperate. That is why they have resorted to striking at civilian targets within the Jewish state. Some people call that terrorism, I call it the acts of a desperate people.
Schmuck: What did you mean when you referred to “the Jewish lobby?”
Hagel: I wish I had not used that term because it makes me look anti-Semitic. When I served in the Senate, I was troubled by how most members of Congress were intimidated by the Jewish lobby. I thought that Congress was supposed to represent the United States, not Israel. It was all about that Jew money – you know money talks, bullshit walks. When I was in the Senate, I represented the State of Nebraska, not the State of Israel.
Schmuck: Mr. Friedman, can we have your thoughts?
Friedman: Yes, and it’s about time. I don’t understand why you didn’t call on me first. After all I am a Pulitzer-Prize winner …
Obama: So what, I am a Nobel Peace Prize winner!
Friedman: … and I consider myself an expert on just about any subject imaginable. Anyway, as a Jew I feel eminently qualified to speak out on Israel. First, I agree with President Perez. Netanyahu is an obstacle to peace, man is he ever! Under Netanyahu, the Israelis are acting like Nazis in their oppression of the Palestinians. And I agree with Chuck Hagel. I don’t blame the Palestinians for resorting to acts of what some call terrorism, but what I prefer to call a fight for freedom. Israel has brought that on itself. And yes, Israel is responsible for all the problems in the Middle East. Bibi, shame, shame on you for calling President Obama a dumbass! He may not be the brightest star on the horizon, but he is the best friend Israel ever had. You insulted the greatest leader in the world when you stooped to lecturing him. You make me sick you fucking kike, you make me ashamed to be a Jew!
Schmuck: I’m sorry, but I have to interrupt you here because we are out of time. Thank you all for expressing yourselves the way you really feel.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
BOB’S Q&A OF THE DAY
FXSTC1 asks: Bob, I am a proud American, believe in it and felt my best when I was protecting the public and arresting bad guys. I played by the rules like a majority of us did and look at the outcome. It is worse than ever. Our citizens will buy and use every gram of drugs that can be brought into this country and I am very concerned. What do you think?
Bob Walsh answers: The ChiComs had an effective method of really dealing with their opium problem in the 1950s. The army went out and every opium den they found they shot everybody who was in the building at the time and then burned the building to the ground. They stopped their drug problem pretty much cold in one year.
We do not have, and have NEVER had, a war on drugs. We have a PsyOps anti-drug campaign, but we are not serious about it. If we were serious it would be easy. Arrest druggies. Arrest drug pushers. Arrest everybody you catch. Throw them in prison for a significant period of time. Offer the druggies treatment ONCE. Maybe twice. After that, it’s the gulag. At some point you will run out of potential druggies and street dealers and mules. When you catch the higher-ups, you do like Singapore does. They get the rope.
All we need is the political will to do so. We lack that, so we get what we have now.
Bob Walsh answers: The ChiComs had an effective method of really dealing with their opium problem in the 1950s. The army went out and every opium den they found they shot everybody who was in the building at the time and then burned the building to the ground. They stopped their drug problem pretty much cold in one year.
We do not have, and have NEVER had, a war on drugs. We have a PsyOps anti-drug campaign, but we are not serious about it. If we were serious it would be easy. Arrest druggies. Arrest drug pushers. Arrest everybody you catch. Throw them in prison for a significant period of time. Offer the druggies treatment ONCE. Maybe twice. After that, it’s the gulag. At some point you will run out of potential druggies and street dealers and mules. When you catch the higher-ups, you do like Singapore does. They get the rope.
All we need is the political will to do so. We lack that, so we get what we have now.
FRUSTRATED WAYNE LAPIERRE THOUGHT MURDER OF 20 CHILDREN BY CRAZED GUNMAN WOULD HAVE BLOWN OVER BY NOW
The Onion / January 7, 2013
FAIRFAX, VA—More than three weeks after the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, annoyed NRA president Wayne LaPierre told reporters Monday that while he understands the seriousness of the tragedy, he had only assumed the senseless murder of 20 first-graders and six educators by a mentally unstable gunman would have blown over by now.
Noting that the massacre was “almost a month ago” and that all of the victims had been laid to rest, the frustrated lobbyist said he couldn’t help but think the nation’s continued efforts to mourn victims and its protracted discussions of gun control were “a little much” at this point.
“I get that this horrible thing happened and all these kids are dead now, but honestly, how long are we going to keep talking about this?” the gun advocate said as he scanned a recent editorial on weapons permits, adding that “enough’s enough, you know?” “Everywhere I go it’s Newtown this, Newtown that. Meanwhile, it’s 2013, and we’re still talking about some shooting that happened last year. Seriously, move on already.”
“I mean, jeez, it’s not as if talking about them will bring them back,” he added. “Let’s just get over it.”
The longtime NRA head acknowledged that as someone who has followed dozens of mass shootings over the years, he had anticipated roughly a week or so of mourning following the deadly tragedy, but “nothing like this, for God’s sake.”
In addition, LaPierre said he was deeply surprised and even somewhat irritated that discussion concerning the heartbreaking loss of young life and the efficacy of existing gun control laws had continued to persist into the new year “as if people had nothing better to do.”
“Look, I get it: A bunch of kids died, and it’s really fucking sad or whatnot, and blah blah blah, but it’s not the end of the world here, people—the beat goes on,” a visibly agitated LaPierre said. “Hell, people die in car accidents every day, and we don’t make a big stink about that. We don’t shut down—just totally shut down—everything for weeks so we can talk about it over and over and over again, do we? Of course not. Oh, but I guess I’m the bad guy for suggesting we get our priorities straight and stop acting like a bunch of mewling babies because of 20 dead kids. Is that it? I’m the bad guy?”
“Yeah, I’m the bad guy,” he added. “Fine.”
FAIRFAX, VA—More than three weeks after the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, annoyed NRA president Wayne LaPierre told reporters Monday that while he understands the seriousness of the tragedy, he had only assumed the senseless murder of 20 first-graders and six educators by a mentally unstable gunman would have blown over by now.
Noting that the massacre was “almost a month ago” and that all of the victims had been laid to rest, the frustrated lobbyist said he couldn’t help but think the nation’s continued efforts to mourn victims and its protracted discussions of gun control were “a little much” at this point.
“I get that this horrible thing happened and all these kids are dead now, but honestly, how long are we going to keep talking about this?” the gun advocate said as he scanned a recent editorial on weapons permits, adding that “enough’s enough, you know?” “Everywhere I go it’s Newtown this, Newtown that. Meanwhile, it’s 2013, and we’re still talking about some shooting that happened last year. Seriously, move on already.”
“I mean, jeez, it’s not as if talking about them will bring them back,” he added. “Let’s just get over it.”
The longtime NRA head acknowledged that as someone who has followed dozens of mass shootings over the years, he had anticipated roughly a week or so of mourning following the deadly tragedy, but “nothing like this, for God’s sake.”
In addition, LaPierre said he was deeply surprised and even somewhat irritated that discussion concerning the heartbreaking loss of young life and the efficacy of existing gun control laws had continued to persist into the new year “as if people had nothing better to do.”
“Look, I get it: A bunch of kids died, and it’s really fucking sad or whatnot, and blah blah blah, but it’s not the end of the world here, people—the beat goes on,” a visibly agitated LaPierre said. “Hell, people die in car accidents every day, and we don’t make a big stink about that. We don’t shut down—just totally shut down—everything for weeks so we can talk about it over and over and over again, do we? Of course not. Oh, but I guess I’m the bad guy for suggesting we get our priorities straight and stop acting like a bunch of mewling babies because of 20 dead kids. Is that it? I’m the bad guy?”
“Yeah, I’m the bad guy,” he added. “Fine.”
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
ISRAEL VOWS TO USE VETO POWER IF CHUCK HAGEL CONFIRMED AS U.S. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
The Onion / January 8, 2013
JERUSALEM—Top-ranking government officials in Jerusalem confirmed Tuesday that Israel would exercise its longstanding, constitutionally granted veto power over American policy if U.S. lawmakers confirmed retired congressman Chuck Hagel as the United States’ next Secretary of Defense.
“In light of Mr. Hagel’s worrying remarks on Israeli-Palestinian relations and questionable classification of Israeli interests as ‘the Jewish lobby,’ we consider him a highly inappropriate choice for Defense Secretary who stands far out of line with our national priorities, and therefore we are prepared to swiftly and resolutely use our official veto power over this U.S. action,” said Israeli government spokesperson Mark Regev of the legal maneuver that the small Middle Eastern nation has employed to block U.S. Cabinet nominees, U.S. legislation, U.S. international relations, and U.S. domestic policy over 1,400 times in its 64-year history. “Because congress does not possess the necessary nine-tenths majority to override an Israeli veto, they’ll have no choice but to head back to the drawing board and provide a Defense Secretary whom we find more suitable.”
Sources confirmed that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had sent the White House a list of three individuals the Israeli leader considered appropriate to head the American military from which U.S. President Barack Obama could choose.
JERUSALEM—Top-ranking government officials in Jerusalem confirmed Tuesday that Israel would exercise its longstanding, constitutionally granted veto power over American policy if U.S. lawmakers confirmed retired congressman Chuck Hagel as the United States’ next Secretary of Defense.
“In light of Mr. Hagel’s worrying remarks on Israeli-Palestinian relations and questionable classification of Israeli interests as ‘the Jewish lobby,’ we consider him a highly inappropriate choice for Defense Secretary who stands far out of line with our national priorities, and therefore we are prepared to swiftly and resolutely use our official veto power over this U.S. action,” said Israeli government spokesperson Mark Regev of the legal maneuver that the small Middle Eastern nation has employed to block U.S. Cabinet nominees, U.S. legislation, U.S. international relations, and U.S. domestic policy over 1,400 times in its 64-year history. “Because congress does not possess the necessary nine-tenths majority to override an Israeli veto, they’ll have no choice but to head back to the drawing board and provide a Defense Secretary whom we find more suitable.”
Sources confirmed that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu had sent the White House a list of three individuals the Israeli leader considered appropriate to head the American military from which U.S. President Barack Obama could choose.
Monday, January 7, 2013
BOB'S Q&A OF THE DAY
Kl2008a asks: Why is the President allowed to have his safety, and the safety of his family, protected by “Assault Weapons” but I cannot have the same for my family?
Bob Walsh answers: He’s important, you are a pee-on. That’s why. You are merely a citizen who pays his taxes, supports his family and does all that other lame-ass shit that people like you do. Why should you need a gun to protect yourself? If they think you don’t need it, then you don’t deserve to have it. You can just call 911 and the cops will get there (eventually) to haul your body away, maybe investigate, maybe even catch whoever killed you. Isn’t that good enough for you?
Bob Walsh answers: He’s important, you are a pee-on. That’s why. You are merely a citizen who pays his taxes, supports his family and does all that other lame-ass shit that people like you do. Why should you need a gun to protect yourself? If they think you don’t need it, then you don’t deserve to have it. You can just call 911 and the cops will get there (eventually) to haul your body away, maybe investigate, maybe even catch whoever killed you. Isn’t that good enough for you?
AL QAEDA DISBANDS; SAYS JOB OF DESTROYING U.S. ECONOMY NOW IN CONGRESS’S HANDS
By Andy Borowitz
The New Yorker / December 28, 2012
WASHINGTON -- The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that “our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the capable hands of the U.S. Congress.”
In an official statement published on the group’s website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that Congress’s conduct during the so-called “fiscal-cliff” showdown convinced the terrorists that they had been outdone.
“We’ve been working overtime trying to come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their economy,” said the statement from Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. “But even we couldn’t come up with something like this.”
Mr. al-Zawhiri said that the idea of holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down to the end of the year “is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain.”
“As terrorists, every now and then you have to step back and admire when someone else has beaten you at your own game,” he said. “This is one of those times.”
The Al Qaeda leader was fulsome in his praise for congressional leaders, saying, “We have made many scary videos in our time but none of them were as terrifying as Mitch McConnell.”
As for the future of Al Qaeda, the statement said that it would no longer be a terror network but would become “more of a social network,” offering reviews of new music, movies and video games.
In its first movie review, Al Qaeda gave the film “Zero Dark Thirty” two thumbs down.
The New Yorker / December 28, 2012
WASHINGTON -- The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that “our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the capable hands of the U.S. Congress.”
In an official statement published on the group’s website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that Congress’s conduct during the so-called “fiscal-cliff” showdown convinced the terrorists that they had been outdone.
“We’ve been working overtime trying to come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their economy,” said the statement from Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. “But even we couldn’t come up with something like this.”
Mr. al-Zawhiri said that the idea of holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down to the end of the year “is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain.”
“As terrorists, every now and then you have to step back and admire when someone else has beaten you at your own game,” he said. “This is one of those times.”
The Al Qaeda leader was fulsome in his praise for congressional leaders, saying, “We have made many scary videos in our time but none of them were as terrifying as Mitch McConnell.”
As for the future of Al Qaeda, the statement said that it would no longer be a terror network but would become “more of a social network,” offering reviews of new music, movies and video games.
In its first movie review, Al Qaeda gave the film “Zero Dark Thirty” two thumbs down.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
SENATOR FEINSTEIN WILL INTRODUCE BILL TO REDUCE HANDS AND FISTS VIOLENCE (UPDATE)
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / January 5, 2013
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In response to Sen. Feinstein’s proposed bill to amputate the offending hand of anyone convicted of assaulting another person with his hand or fist, U.S. Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee announced that she would support the bill since it would reduce hands and fists violence.
However, the Houston Democrat had some strong reservations about how Feinstein’s bill would impact African-Americans. “I’m sure that proportionately there are more blacks than whites assaulting people with their hands and fists,” said Jackson Lee. “We all know that many young black men cannot find employment. So how are they going to get work if they have only one hand?”
Jackson Lee went on to say that “I will introduce a bill in the House to provide lifetime benefits for the amputees and full college paid tuition for their rehabilitation. I’ve contacted my good friend Sen. Feinstein and she told me she would sponsor my bill in the Senate. In return I will sponsor her bill in the House.”
The Texas Democrat stated that she has the support of new Congressional Black Caucus Chairwoman Marcia Fudge and former Chairwoman Maxine Waters. “Marcia and Maxine told me that the caucus would support Sen. Feinstein’s bill, but only if the House amended it to include my bill for the lifetime benefits and college tuition.”
Jackson Lee said “the war on drugs and every law and order bill that’s ever been passed by Congress has led to the disproportionate imprisonment of young black men and, quite frankly, we African-Americans are sick and tired of the racist bills that come out of the House and the Senate. We’re not going to stand for it anymore!”
When Jackson Lee said, “Before we leave, let me just say a few words about my plans for revitalizing the inner cities of Philadelphia, Newark, Baltimore, East St. Louis, Oakland and my hometown of Houston among others………,” all of us reporters took off. That’s because among members of Congress the Texas Democrat is known as ‘Sheila Motormouth.’
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told The Unconventional Gazette he was sure that President Obama would sign the combined Feinstein-Jackson Lee bills if they passed both the House and the Senate.
The Unconventional Gazette / January 5, 2013
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In response to Sen. Feinstein’s proposed bill to amputate the offending hand of anyone convicted of assaulting another person with his hand or fist, U.S. Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee announced that she would support the bill since it would reduce hands and fists violence.
However, the Houston Democrat had some strong reservations about how Feinstein’s bill would impact African-Americans. “I’m sure that proportionately there are more blacks than whites assaulting people with their hands and fists,” said Jackson Lee. “We all know that many young black men cannot find employment. So how are they going to get work if they have only one hand?”
Jackson Lee went on to say that “I will introduce a bill in the House to provide lifetime benefits for the amputees and full college paid tuition for their rehabilitation. I’ve contacted my good friend Sen. Feinstein and she told me she would sponsor my bill in the Senate. In return I will sponsor her bill in the House.”
The Texas Democrat stated that she has the support of new Congressional Black Caucus Chairwoman Marcia Fudge and former Chairwoman Maxine Waters. “Marcia and Maxine told me that the caucus would support Sen. Feinstein’s bill, but only if the House amended it to include my bill for the lifetime benefits and college tuition.”
Jackson Lee said “the war on drugs and every law and order bill that’s ever been passed by Congress has led to the disproportionate imprisonment of young black men and, quite frankly, we African-Americans are sick and tired of the racist bills that come out of the House and the Senate. We’re not going to stand for it anymore!”
When Jackson Lee said, “Before we leave, let me just say a few words about my plans for revitalizing the inner cities of Philadelphia, Newark, Baltimore, East St. Louis, Oakland and my hometown of Houston among others………,” all of us reporters took off. That’s because among members of Congress the Texas Democrat is known as ‘Sheila Motormouth.’
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told The Unconventional Gazette he was sure that President Obama would sign the combined Feinstein-Jackson Lee bills if they passed both the House and the Senate.
Friday, January 4, 2013
SENATOR FEINSTEIN WILL INTRODUCE BILL TO REDUCE HANDS AND FISTS VIOLENCE
By Adolf der Schweinehund
The Unconventional Gazette / January 4, 2013
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following Thursday’s Newsmax article on the FBI report that revealed twice as many people are killed by hands and fists than by assault rifles, Senator Diane Feinstein, D-California and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg appeared at a joint news conference to announce that the senator would introduce a bill to reduce hands and fists violence.
Feinstein, who is introducing a bill to ban assault rifles, and Bloomberg, who has been leading the charge against gun violence, both expressed outrage over the killings by hands and fists, saying they were surprised and shocked by the FBI findings.
Mayor Bloolmberg said, “Since I am for a strong ban against assault weapons, I cannot stand idly by when twice as many people are killed by hands and fists than by assault rifles. That is why I have urged Senator Feinstein to introduce legislation that will ban hands and fists violence.”
Senator Feinstein said, “I agree wholeheartedly with my dear friend Michael. That is why his legal staff and mine met together yesterday and, after due deliberation, presented me with the preliminary draft of a bill I intend to introduce in the Senate.”
According to Feinstein, the bill would ban hands and fists violence. It would require the amputation of the hand of anyone convicted of assaulting another person with his hand or fist. A right-handed person would lose his right hand and a left-handed person would lose his left hand. The amputations must be performed by a board certified surgeon. The amputee would be required to pay for the surgery.
Boxing, wrestling, martial arts and mixed-martial arts contestants would be exempted only as long as such fighting is confined to the ring or cage. Law enforcement officers and military personnel would be exempted whenever hands and fists are used in the performance of their duties. A person who used his hands and fists only to defend himself would also be exempted.
When asked if the punishment would not constitute cruel and unusual punishment, Feinstein replied, “I feel confident that with the current conservative majority in the Supreme Court, my law will be upheld. That is why I am going to introduce this bill tomorrow. I want it tested by the Supreme Court before President Obama gets to nominate anyone else to serve on the nation’s highest court.
The Unconventional Gazette contacted the White House for President Obama’s take on Feinstein’s bill. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told us that “Since the President advocates a strong ban on assault weapons, and in view of the FBI report, he is ready to throw the full weight of his presidency in support of Senator Feinstein’s bill to ban hands and fists violence.”
Attorney General Eric Holder and Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano both told us that the Justice Department and the FBI would vigorously enforce Feinstein’s hands and fists measure once it becomes law.
The Unconventional Gazette / January 4, 2013
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following Thursday’s Newsmax article on the FBI report that revealed twice as many people are killed by hands and fists than by assault rifles, Senator Diane Feinstein, D-California and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg appeared at a joint news conference to announce that the senator would introduce a bill to reduce hands and fists violence.
Feinstein, who is introducing a bill to ban assault rifles, and Bloomberg, who has been leading the charge against gun violence, both expressed outrage over the killings by hands and fists, saying they were surprised and shocked by the FBI findings.
Mayor Bloolmberg said, “Since I am for a strong ban against assault weapons, I cannot stand idly by when twice as many people are killed by hands and fists than by assault rifles. That is why I have urged Senator Feinstein to introduce legislation that will ban hands and fists violence.”
Senator Feinstein said, “I agree wholeheartedly with my dear friend Michael. That is why his legal staff and mine met together yesterday and, after due deliberation, presented me with the preliminary draft of a bill I intend to introduce in the Senate.”
According to Feinstein, the bill would ban hands and fists violence. It would require the amputation of the hand of anyone convicted of assaulting another person with his hand or fist. A right-handed person would lose his right hand and a left-handed person would lose his left hand. The amputations must be performed by a board certified surgeon. The amputee would be required to pay for the surgery.
Boxing, wrestling, martial arts and mixed-martial arts contestants would be exempted only as long as such fighting is confined to the ring or cage. Law enforcement officers and military personnel would be exempted whenever hands and fists are used in the performance of their duties. A person who used his hands and fists only to defend himself would also be exempted.
When asked if the punishment would not constitute cruel and unusual punishment, Feinstein replied, “I feel confident that with the current conservative majority in the Supreme Court, my law will be upheld. That is why I am going to introduce this bill tomorrow. I want it tested by the Supreme Court before President Obama gets to nominate anyone else to serve on the nation’s highest court.
The Unconventional Gazette contacted the White House for President Obama’s take on Feinstein’s bill. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told us that “Since the President advocates a strong ban on assault weapons, and in view of the FBI report, he is ready to throw the full weight of his presidency in support of Senator Feinstein’s bill to ban hands and fists violence.”
Attorney General Eric Holder and Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano both told us that the Justice Department and the FBI would vigorously enforce Feinstein’s hands and fists measure once it becomes law.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
IT’S DRUNK AND YOU’RE 2013 AGAIN! HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!
By Jeff Balke
Houston Press Hair Balls / January 1, 2013
It's 6 a.m. on the first day of 2013. You are either a very disciplined person or you, more likely, are still up from last night's revelry. We made it through a contentious election, school shootings, a Mayan calendar end of the world, a zombie apocalypse and even a global bacon shortage in 2012. God help us for whatever comes in 2013.
Via con Dios!
Houston Press Hair Balls / January 1, 2013
It's 6 a.m. on the first day of 2013. You are either a very disciplined person or you, more likely, are still up from last night's revelry. We made it through a contentious election, school shootings, a Mayan calendar end of the world, a zombie apocalypse and even a global bacon shortage in 2012. God help us for whatever comes in 2013.
Via con Dios!
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