By Bob Walsh
PACOVILLA Corrections blog
November 30, 2013
The city of Oakland, CA. has a program called Highway To Work. It is run by the city and by Alameda County and provides, at least in theory, a work program for “young criminal offenders.”
The city is pulling out of the program and will reevaluate it after Christian Leonard, 19, was busted on the program with a gun (for protection) and some coke for sale (his “regular” job is a street pharmaceutical salesman). Leonard was in the program as a weed abatement worker for the Public Works Agency.
Christian had a semi-auto with the serial numbers filed off and 17 twists of coke on him when he was arrested. His most recent prior beef was carrying a gun. I guess selling drugs pays better, and is more emotionally rewarding, than $10 an hour weedwacking.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
IRONY LESSONS FOR THE DAY
Irony 1
We are told not to judge all Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics.
Then on the other hand, we are also expected to judge all Gun Owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Irony 2
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever ... to 47.5 million people, according to the most recent figures released in April 2013.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."
Irony 3
Actor Paul Walker and co-star Vin Diesel starred in six Fast and Furious movies and have been working on a seventh one. In the films they were driving different makes of cars at breakneck speeds and survived spectacular crashes with nary a scratch.
In real life, Paul Walker died about 3:30 p.m. today as a passenger in a 2005 Porsche Carrera GT that was speeding in Valencia, California when it crashed into a light pole and tree and burst into flames. Death for both occupants was fast and furious.
Thus ends today's lessons in irony.
We are told not to judge all Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics.
Then on the other hand, we are also expected to judge all Gun Owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Irony 2
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever ... to 47.5 million people, according to the most recent figures released in April 2013.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."
Irony 3
Actor Paul Walker and co-star Vin Diesel starred in six Fast and Furious movies and have been working on a seventh one. In the films they were driving different makes of cars at breakneck speeds and survived spectacular crashes with nary a scratch.
In real life, Paul Walker died about 3:30 p.m. today as a passenger in a 2005 Porsche Carrera GT that was speeding in Valencia, California when it crashed into a light pole and tree and burst into flames. Death for both occupants was fast and furious.
Thus ends today's lessons in irony.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
TOM AND MAUREEN OGLETHORPE’S PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED
During a Sunday morning church service, the Baptist preacher asked if anyone in the congregation would like to bear witness for answered prayers.
Maureen Oglethorpe stood and walked to the pulpit. She said, "I can bear witness. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if surgery would succeed in restoring the crushed scrotum."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced with his crushed balls.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him unbearable pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom's balls.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thanks to the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely. Praise the Lord, our prayers were answered."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The preacher rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the pulpit.
He said, "I'm Tom Oglethorpe."
The entire congregation held its collective breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Maureen Oglethorpe stood and walked to the pulpit. She said, "I can bear witness. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if surgery would succeed in restoring the crushed scrotum."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced with his crushed balls.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him unbearable pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom's balls.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thanks to the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely. Praise the Lord, our prayers were answered."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The preacher rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the pulpit.
He said, "I'm Tom Oglethorpe."
The entire congregation held its collective breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
SOME FACTS OF LIFE
Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
FRUSTRATED IRANIAN SCIENTIST FORCED TO SHUT DOWN PROJECT HE SPENT 12 GODDAMN YEARS OF HIS LIFE ON
The Onion | November 25, 2013
NATANZ, IRAN—Standing in the dim subterranean facility in which he had spent the better part of his peak work years, deeply frustrated Iranian scientist Ali Khatami told reporters today that the recent Iran-U.S. nuclear accords have forced him to shutter the project he has wasted 12 years of his life—12 goddamned years—developing.
“Perfect! Let’s just flush a decade of my life down the drain, then, shall we?” Khatami said as he angrily typed a code into a nearby computer to power down over 8,000 P-2 centrifuges he reportedly squandered countless nights diligently overseeing. “Do those assholes even know how hard it is to enrich uranium? How much I sacrificed? I never married, I’m prematurely gray, and now guess what? The prime of my life is gone forever. Unbelievable. This country’s going to fucking hell, man.”
The nuclear physicist then paused, sighed, and wondered if he might realistically find work in Yemen.
NATANZ, IRAN—Standing in the dim subterranean facility in which he had spent the better part of his peak work years, deeply frustrated Iranian scientist Ali Khatami told reporters today that the recent Iran-U.S. nuclear accords have forced him to shutter the project he has wasted 12 years of his life—12 goddamned years—developing.
“Perfect! Let’s just flush a decade of my life down the drain, then, shall we?” Khatami said as he angrily typed a code into a nearby computer to power down over 8,000 P-2 centrifuges he reportedly squandered countless nights diligently overseeing. “Do those assholes even know how hard it is to enrich uranium? How much I sacrificed? I never married, I’m prematurely gray, and now guess what? The prime of my life is gone forever. Unbelievable. This country’s going to fucking hell, man.”
The nuclear physicist then paused, sighed, and wondered if he might realistically find work in Yemen.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate. He questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg. He asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up, the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret. I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town, and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate. He questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg. He asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up, the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret. I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town, and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
Friday, November 22, 2013
DOCTOR DIAGNOSES EXCRUCIATING PAIN ALL OVER PATIENT’S BODY
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
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