BarkGrowlBite | September 29, 2013
Investigators now believe the partial building collapse of Nairobi's Westgate shopping mall during the Al Shabaab siege was caused by Kenyan soldiers firing rocket propelled grenades inside the mall.
Now that’s a great big oops! Kenyan authorities still do not know how many innocent shoppers were buried in the pile of rubble left by the rocket propelled grenades.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
NEW POLL FINDS AMERICANS VIEW DEATH OF CLOSE RELATIVE MORE FAVORABLY THAN CONGRESS
The Onion | September 27, 2013
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, the favorability rating of the U.S. Congress has sunk so low that the legislative body is now looked upon more negatively than the death of a close relative.
“When asked whether they would prefer to select a casket for their child or endure the forthcoming congressional showdown over the debt ceiling, 89 percent of Americans said they would rather bury their own offspring,” said Pew spokesperson Diana Shostak, adding that the figure went up to 96 percent when it was specified that the political brinksmanship could go on for weeks without a single piece of legislation ever making it to the floor for a goddamn up-or-down vote. “Watching one’s grandmother weep uncontrollably at the impending death of her husband of 60 years, having the agonizing conversation about whether to pull the plug on his life support unit, and looking on as he gasps for his final breaths—these situations all enjoyed higher approval ratings than any individual member of the House or Senate.”
The poll also found that the prospect of suffering one’s own death by slow asphyxiation was viewed four times more favorably than anything having to do with filibusters.
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, the favorability rating of the U.S. Congress has sunk so low that the legislative body is now looked upon more negatively than the death of a close relative.
“When asked whether they would prefer to select a casket for their child or endure the forthcoming congressional showdown over the debt ceiling, 89 percent of Americans said they would rather bury their own offspring,” said Pew spokesperson Diana Shostak, adding that the figure went up to 96 percent when it was specified that the political brinksmanship could go on for weeks without a single piece of legislation ever making it to the floor for a goddamn up-or-down vote. “Watching one’s grandmother weep uncontrollably at the impending death of her husband of 60 years, having the agonizing conversation about whether to pull the plug on his life support unit, and looking on as he gasps for his final breaths—these situations all enjoyed higher approval ratings than any individual member of the House or Senate.”
The poll also found that the prospect of suffering one’s own death by slow asphyxiation was viewed four times more favorably than anything having to do with filibusters.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
CANADIANS COMPARE AMERICAN BEER TO SEX IN A CANOE
Crave Canada, The Canada Travel Guide, disparages American beer:
“Americans can’t brew beer – hence the joke; how is sex in a canoe like American beer? They’re both fucking close to water.”
“Americans can’t brew beer – hence the joke; how is sex in a canoe like American beer? They’re both fucking close to water.”
HOW GOD STAYS COOL
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter and the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man.
St. Peter then pointed to another clock and said, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Wow, only two lies. That’s amazing when you consider that Lincoln was a lawyer. Now, where’s President Obama’s clock?”
“Obama’s clock is in God’s office. The Lord is using it as a ceiling fan.”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man.
St. Peter then pointed to another clock and said, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Wow, only two lies. That’s amazing when you consider that Lincoln was a lawyer. Now, where’s President Obama’s clock?”
“Obama’s clock is in God’s office. The Lord is using it as a ceiling fan.”
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
OPENING SALVO IN CAMPAIGN TO BAN BULLETS
The American Ban Bullets Coalition receives infusion of money from Michael Bloomberg and the strong backing of President Obama
By Pamela Putz
NEW YORK – Standing in front of city hall Monday at a press briefing with Mayor Bloomberg, Senator Chuck Schumer, Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy and Sarah Brady, Dr. Ellie Phant, president of the American Ban Bullets Coalition (ABBC), announced that the organization she formed in February has been joined by the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, the parents of children killed and wounded in the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre, and other gun control groups, in a joint campaign to ban the possession of bullets by the American public.
Dr. Phant, professor of gender studies at the University of California-Berkeley, said that Senator Schumer and Rep. McCarthy will introduce companion bills in Congress that would ban the sale to and possession of bullets, gun powder and cartridge cases by American civilians. Dr. Phant said the new law, if passed, would allow Americans to possess handguns, shotguns, sporting rifles, AR-15s, AK-47s and other military-style rifles in line with the Second Amendment rights to keep and bear arms. Possession of ammunition, other than during wild game hunting, would be restricted to licensed law enforcement officers and the military. A first offense would be a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in jail and a $5,000 fine. A second offense would be a felony punishable by up to five years in prison and a $20,000 fine.
Mayor Bloomberg handed Dr. Phant a check in the amount of $450,000. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of this myself,” said the mayor. “This law will effectively put an end to gun violence. My check to Dr. Phant’s coalition should help to get the ABBC campaign going.” Sarah Brady echoed Bloomberg’s remarks, saying that “If only the Brady Campaign had thought of this when we first organized, we wouldn’t have run into the Second Amendment arguments.”
Rep. McCarthy, whose husband was shot to death in 1993 on a commuter train, said the new law would not ban wild game hunting. “Under the bills Sen. Schumer and I are introducing, the U.S. Department of the Interior will establish and operate ammunition outlets near hunting areas. There will be guns for rent, but hunters can bring their own rifles or shotguns. The hunters can purchase ammunition, but they will have to leave their driver’s licenses or passports at the ammo shops. They will be required to return all spent cartridge cases and any unused bullets in order to retrieve their licenses or passports.”
Sen. Schumer explained that “The hunting aspects of this law will be similar to those in Australia, the United Kingdom and other countries that ban the possession of not only ammunition, but guns as well. We are not banning guns. As a matter of fact we are loosening restrictions on firearms. We believe that by banning bullets, we will drastically reduce gun violence and eventually eliminate it altogether.” Sen. Schumer emphasized that “Once gun violence had ended, there will be no need for law enforcement officers to be armed with lethal weapons.”
Fred Werdlin, executive director of ABBC, read a statement of support from President Obama. “As President of the United States, I have been obsessed with ending gun violence. I am pleased to give my wholehearted support to the American Ban Bullets Coalition and its campaign to keep ammunition out of the hands of civilians. This is a simple solution to ending America’s disgraceful gun violence. A ban on bullets will allow our children to attend school without fear of getting shot and it will make our neighborhoods, theaters and work places safe again. And it will allow our citizen to keep and bear arms in line with the Second Amendment. I am sorry that I did not come up with a bullet ban myself. I can’t wait until Carolyn and Chuck’s bill reaches my desk so I can sign it. I want to praise and thank Dr. Ellie Phant for her efforts to reduce gun violence. Dr. Phant has the gratitude of our great nation.”
Dr. Phant ended the press briefing by saying, “I want to thank Congresswoman McCarthy and Senator Schumer for their support and for introducing legislation banning the possession of bullets. And, of course, I want to thank Mayor Bloomberg for his very generous support on behalf of our mission.”
By Pamela Putz
NEW YORK – Standing in front of city hall Monday at a press briefing with Mayor Bloomberg, Senator Chuck Schumer, Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy and Sarah Brady, Dr. Ellie Phant, president of the American Ban Bullets Coalition (ABBC), announced that the organization she formed in February has been joined by the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, the parents of children killed and wounded in the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre, and other gun control groups, in a joint campaign to ban the possession of bullets by the American public.
Dr. Phant, professor of gender studies at the University of California-Berkeley, said that Senator Schumer and Rep. McCarthy will introduce companion bills in Congress that would ban the sale to and possession of bullets, gun powder and cartridge cases by American civilians. Dr. Phant said the new law, if passed, would allow Americans to possess handguns, shotguns, sporting rifles, AR-15s, AK-47s and other military-style rifles in line with the Second Amendment rights to keep and bear arms. Possession of ammunition, other than during wild game hunting, would be restricted to licensed law enforcement officers and the military. A first offense would be a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in jail and a $5,000 fine. A second offense would be a felony punishable by up to five years in prison and a $20,000 fine.
Mayor Bloomberg handed Dr. Phant a check in the amount of $450,000. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of this myself,” said the mayor. “This law will effectively put an end to gun violence. My check to Dr. Phant’s coalition should help to get the ABBC campaign going.” Sarah Brady echoed Bloomberg’s remarks, saying that “If only the Brady Campaign had thought of this when we first organized, we wouldn’t have run into the Second Amendment arguments.”
Rep. McCarthy, whose husband was shot to death in 1993 on a commuter train, said the new law would not ban wild game hunting. “Under the bills Sen. Schumer and I are introducing, the U.S. Department of the Interior will establish and operate ammunition outlets near hunting areas. There will be guns for rent, but hunters can bring their own rifles or shotguns. The hunters can purchase ammunition, but they will have to leave their driver’s licenses or passports at the ammo shops. They will be required to return all spent cartridge cases and any unused bullets in order to retrieve their licenses or passports.”
Sen. Schumer explained that “The hunting aspects of this law will be similar to those in Australia, the United Kingdom and other countries that ban the possession of not only ammunition, but guns as well. We are not banning guns. As a matter of fact we are loosening restrictions on firearms. We believe that by banning bullets, we will drastically reduce gun violence and eventually eliminate it altogether.” Sen. Schumer emphasized that “Once gun violence had ended, there will be no need for law enforcement officers to be armed with lethal weapons.”
Fred Werdlin, executive director of ABBC, read a statement of support from President Obama. “As President of the United States, I have been obsessed with ending gun violence. I am pleased to give my wholehearted support to the American Ban Bullets Coalition and its campaign to keep ammunition out of the hands of civilians. This is a simple solution to ending America’s disgraceful gun violence. A ban on bullets will allow our children to attend school without fear of getting shot and it will make our neighborhoods, theaters and work places safe again. And it will allow our citizen to keep and bear arms in line with the Second Amendment. I am sorry that I did not come up with a bullet ban myself. I can’t wait until Carolyn and Chuck’s bill reaches my desk so I can sign it. I want to praise and thank Dr. Ellie Phant for her efforts to reduce gun violence. Dr. Phant has the gratitude of our great nation.”
Dr. Phant ended the press briefing by saying, “I want to thank Congresswoman McCarthy and Senator Schumer for their support and for introducing legislation banning the possession of bullets. And, of course, I want to thank Mayor Bloomberg for his very generous support on behalf of our mission.”
Sunday, September 22, 2013
A JEWISH MOTHER TRIES TO MAKE SENSE OF IT ALL
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says:
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a $250,000 Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away.....over 45 cents?"
Her mother says:
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a $250,000 Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away.....over 45 cents?"
Saturday, September 21, 2013
HELL NOW A THRIVING EPICENTER OF GAY CULTURE
Locals say the Chasm of Wickedness and Sin has become a happy and prejudice-free sanctuary for the gay community
The Onion | September 19, 2013
THE MALEBOLGE, NETHER REGIONS OF DARKNESS—Noting the incredible rate at which the community has grown, sources confirmed Thursday that Hell, the Endless Kingdom of Misery, is now a booming haven of gay culture.
The Great Abyss, home of the damned, is reportedly inhabited by some 600 million condemned homosexual or transgender souls, a large proportion of its total population, and has by many accounts blossomed into an oasis of gay activism and community events.
“I’ve only been here for a few months, but I’ve already fallen in love with it,” said 49-year-old Daniel Edelson, adding that he has already befriended hundreds of fellow gay men and women in the accursed underworld, all of whom have welcomed him with open arms. “The streets of fire and brimstone are full of so many great cafés, restaurants, bakeries, independent bookstores, and of course plenty of gay bars and clubs. There’s just so much to do.”
“My favorite place is this wonderful little promenade along the River Styx, where couples always take walks together on the weekends,” continued Edelson. “I’d say this is easily the most LGBT-friendly place I’ve ever lived.”
According to sources, the deepest bowels of Hell have over the past several millennia developed a thriving gay community that is said to rival the likes of the New York City neighborhood of Chelsea, San Francisco’s Castro District, Soho in London, and the Boystown section of Chicago.
Along with its wide variety of gay-friendly businesses, the Underworld is also home to The 666, a sprawling, five-story gay nightclub that is reportedly the largest such establishment ever built. Reports confirmed The 666 is one of the most popular destinations in the Nine Circles, offering drag shows, multiple dance floors, six-headed go-go dancers, and live music.
“It’s just nice to finally live in a place where I don’t feel like an outcast or an outsider,” said Vanessa Aldridge, 38, stressing that she has faced absolutely no discrimination since she, like all homosexuals and gay sympathizers, was sentenced to an eternity in Lucifer’s Den immediately upon her death. “There’s no stigma attached to openly being who I am here. Everyone is respected and free to live the way they want to live.”
“It’s really refreshing, frankly, to live in a place where nobody gives me any weird looks when I walk hand-in-hand with my girlfriend,” Aldridge continued. “And all of the other eternally damned homosexuals down here feel the same. I thank Satan every day for welcoming me here.”
Hell has been widely celebrated by gay rights leaders for its far-reaching acceptance of alternative lifestyles, and residents told reporters it is incredibly common to see a rainbow flag hanging over various shop awnings, in car windows, or atop thrones of blood-soaked bones and rotting flesh. Additionally, the Inferno’s Gay Pride Parade, held every July in the Second Circle, is noted for its extravagance and high attendance rate.
Reports confirmed that, with thousands more homosexual souls flooding the Gates of Hell every day, the Chasm of Wickedness and Sin has truly become a sanctuary for gays and lesbians alike, a feeling proudly shared by a majority of heterosexual locals.
“The gay community has really flourished here, and I have to say, they’ve been great for the place,” said Nephirem the Malevolent, a 10,000-year-old, 70-foot-tall minotaur who has resided in hell since rising from the ashes of a smokeless flame. “At the end of the day, they’re just like anyone else. Everyone has the right to express their love for whomever they want. They don’t bother me in the slightest, and if anything, we in the Dark Lord’s Army encourage any and all public displays of affection between same-sex couples.”
“I think it’s great that they’ve carved out such a strong community for themselves here,” added the horned beast of ceaseless death and destruction. “I’m all for it.”
In stark contrast to Hell’s ongoing embrace of persecuted groups, sources confirmed that Heaven remains the most bigoted and intolerant place in the universe.
The Onion | September 19, 2013
THE MALEBOLGE, NETHER REGIONS OF DARKNESS—Noting the incredible rate at which the community has grown, sources confirmed Thursday that Hell, the Endless Kingdom of Misery, is now a booming haven of gay culture.
The Great Abyss, home of the damned, is reportedly inhabited by some 600 million condemned homosexual or transgender souls, a large proportion of its total population, and has by many accounts blossomed into an oasis of gay activism and community events.
“I’ve only been here for a few months, but I’ve already fallen in love with it,” said 49-year-old Daniel Edelson, adding that he has already befriended hundreds of fellow gay men and women in the accursed underworld, all of whom have welcomed him with open arms. “The streets of fire and brimstone are full of so many great cafés, restaurants, bakeries, independent bookstores, and of course plenty of gay bars and clubs. There’s just so much to do.”
“My favorite place is this wonderful little promenade along the River Styx, where couples always take walks together on the weekends,” continued Edelson. “I’d say this is easily the most LGBT-friendly place I’ve ever lived.”
According to sources, the deepest bowels of Hell have over the past several millennia developed a thriving gay community that is said to rival the likes of the New York City neighborhood of Chelsea, San Francisco’s Castro District, Soho in London, and the Boystown section of Chicago.
Along with its wide variety of gay-friendly businesses, the Underworld is also home to The 666, a sprawling, five-story gay nightclub that is reportedly the largest such establishment ever built. Reports confirmed The 666 is one of the most popular destinations in the Nine Circles, offering drag shows, multiple dance floors, six-headed go-go dancers, and live music.
“It’s just nice to finally live in a place where I don’t feel like an outcast or an outsider,” said Vanessa Aldridge, 38, stressing that she has faced absolutely no discrimination since she, like all homosexuals and gay sympathizers, was sentenced to an eternity in Lucifer’s Den immediately upon her death. “There’s no stigma attached to openly being who I am here. Everyone is respected and free to live the way they want to live.”
“It’s really refreshing, frankly, to live in a place where nobody gives me any weird looks when I walk hand-in-hand with my girlfriend,” Aldridge continued. “And all of the other eternally damned homosexuals down here feel the same. I thank Satan every day for welcoming me here.”
Hell has been widely celebrated by gay rights leaders for its far-reaching acceptance of alternative lifestyles, and residents told reporters it is incredibly common to see a rainbow flag hanging over various shop awnings, in car windows, or atop thrones of blood-soaked bones and rotting flesh. Additionally, the Inferno’s Gay Pride Parade, held every July in the Second Circle, is noted for its extravagance and high attendance rate.
Reports confirmed that, with thousands more homosexual souls flooding the Gates of Hell every day, the Chasm of Wickedness and Sin has truly become a sanctuary for gays and lesbians alike, a feeling proudly shared by a majority of heterosexual locals.
“The gay community has really flourished here, and I have to say, they’ve been great for the place,” said Nephirem the Malevolent, a 10,000-year-old, 70-foot-tall minotaur who has resided in hell since rising from the ashes of a smokeless flame. “At the end of the day, they’re just like anyone else. Everyone has the right to express their love for whomever they want. They don’t bother me in the slightest, and if anything, we in the Dark Lord’s Army encourage any and all public displays of affection between same-sex couples.”
“I think it’s great that they’ve carved out such a strong community for themselves here,” added the horned beast of ceaseless death and destruction. “I’m all for it.”
In stark contrast to Hell’s ongoing embrace of persecuted groups, sources confirmed that Heaven remains the most bigoted and intolerant place in the universe.
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