The Onion / November 28, 2012
WASHINGTON—Amid ongoing negotiations in Congress over the looming “fiscal cliff,” Rep. Tom Reed (R-NY) told reporters Wednesday he is “completely torn” between his commitment to conservative activist Grover Norquist’s meaningless anti-tax pledge and the general welfare of the entire country.
“On the one hand, you have a nonsensical promise to blindly oppose tax increases regardless of circumstances, but on the other, you have the well-being of more than 300 million people and the long-term stability of the entire U.S. economy,” said Reed, adding that he is “really stuck between a rock and a hard place” now that he must decide between his loyalty to a dogmatic political lobbyist and his responsibility to serve the best interests of his constituents. “At the end of the day, it’s a question of whether a nonbinding signature on an outdated and worthless pledge written 26 years ago is more important than preventing the nation from completely going to hell. I just don’t know what to do here.”
When reached for comment, Norquist urged the pledge’s signatories in Congress to “remember what’s really important” before sacrificing utterly irrational principles for the sake of the country’s future.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
GOD TOLD WOMAN TO DRIVE 100MPH
God may indeed be the divine ruler of all creation. For now, police officers still make the rules on Florida’s roads
By Jerry Reynolds
Car Pro News / November 28, 2012
How else to explain why a Florida woman who claimed the Lord told her to drive 100 miles per hour through a 30-mph residential neighborhood was nonetheless arrested for reckless driving?
Residents reported a woman in a silver Toyota was racing down a residential street near U.S. 1 in Fort Pierce, Fla., on Nov. 20, and repeatedly honking her horn and frantically waving her arms and gesturing. Officers pursued her in a high-speed chase.
When Melissa Miller, 41, finally pulled over, she told officers that “I was letting the Lord spirit guide me,” according to a police report of the incident. She said she repeatedly honked loudly because “The Lord was telling me to do it.”
By Jerry Reynolds
Car Pro News / November 28, 2012
How else to explain why a Florida woman who claimed the Lord told her to drive 100 miles per hour through a 30-mph residential neighborhood was nonetheless arrested for reckless driving?
Residents reported a woman in a silver Toyota was racing down a residential street near U.S. 1 in Fort Pierce, Fla., on Nov. 20, and repeatedly honking her horn and frantically waving her arms and gesturing. Officers pursued her in a high-speed chase.
When Melissa Miller, 41, finally pulled over, she told officers that “I was letting the Lord spirit guide me,” according to a police report of the incident. She said she repeatedly honked loudly because “The Lord was telling me to do it.”
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
KIM JONG-UN NAMED THE ONION’S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE FOR 2012
The Onion / November 14, 2012
The Onion is proud to announce that North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, 29, has officially been named the newspaper’s Sexiest Man Alive for the year 2012.
With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile.
“He has that rare ability to somehow be completely adorable and completely macho at the same time,” Onion Style and Entertainment editor Marissa Blake-Zweibel said. “And that’s the quality that makes him the sort of man women want, and men want to be. He’s a real hunk with real intensity who also knows how to cut loose and let his hair down.”
Added Blake-Zweibel, “Ri Sol-ju is one lucky lady, that’s for sure!”
With today’s announcement, Kim joins the ranks of The Onion’s prior “Sexiest Man Alive” winners, including:
2011: Bashar al-Assad
2010: Bernie Madoff
2009: Charles and David Koch (co-winners)
2008: Ted Kaczynski
2007: T. Herman Zweibel
The Onion’s commemorative “Sexiest Man Alive” issue will be available on newsstands everywhere this Friday and contains a full 16-page spread on Kim.
UPDATE 11-27-12: For more coverage on The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive 2012, Kim Jong-Un, please visit our friends at the People's Daily in China, a proud Communist subsidiary of The Onion, Inc. Exemplary reportage, comrades.
__________
EDITOR’S NOTE: The People's Daily, China's official news agency, mistakenly believed the article from The Onion about the 2012 Sexiest Man Alive was for real.
THE ONION STRIKES AGAIN – CHINA CALLS KIM JUNG UN SEXIEST MAN ALIVE
By Michael Blaustein
New York Post
November 27, 2012
According to the official mouthpiece of China's Communist Party, North Korea's newest supreme leader, Kim Jung Un, is the sexiest man alive for 2012.
China's People Daily reached their oddball conclusion after taking an article from the satirical news Web site The Onion seriously.
"With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman's dream come true," the People's Daily quoted from The Onion.
"Kim made this newspaper's editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile," China's news agency continued in their quotation.
China is the second foreign power to take The Onion too seriously, earlier this year Iran's official news agency plagiarized The Onion's article, "Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama."
In Iran's case, the Persian country simply lifted fake information from The Onion which said that rural white Americans would rather vote for their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, than President Obama.
China, on the other hand, seemed to have simply missed the fact that The Onion's article was a joke, thus overlooking some obvious clues to the article's falsity.
For example, The Onion has a history of choosing clearly unsexy men for their award. In 2011 they chose Syria's despotic President Bashar al-Assad, in 2010 they went with ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff and in 2008 they picked Ted Kaczynski, The Unabomber.
The Onion is proud to announce that North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, 29, has officially been named the newspaper’s Sexiest Man Alive for the year 2012.
With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile.
“He has that rare ability to somehow be completely adorable and completely macho at the same time,” Onion Style and Entertainment editor Marissa Blake-Zweibel said. “And that’s the quality that makes him the sort of man women want, and men want to be. He’s a real hunk with real intensity who also knows how to cut loose and let his hair down.”
Added Blake-Zweibel, “Ri Sol-ju is one lucky lady, that’s for sure!”
With today’s announcement, Kim joins the ranks of The Onion’s prior “Sexiest Man Alive” winners, including:
2011: Bashar al-Assad
2010: Bernie Madoff
2009: Charles and David Koch (co-winners)
2008: Ted Kaczynski
2007: T. Herman Zweibel
The Onion’s commemorative “Sexiest Man Alive” issue will be available on newsstands everywhere this Friday and contains a full 16-page spread on Kim.
UPDATE 11-27-12: For more coverage on The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive 2012, Kim Jong-Un, please visit our friends at the People's Daily in China, a proud Communist subsidiary of The Onion, Inc. Exemplary reportage, comrades.
__________
EDITOR’S NOTE: The People's Daily, China's official news agency, mistakenly believed the article from The Onion about the 2012 Sexiest Man Alive was for real.
THE ONION STRIKES AGAIN – CHINA CALLS KIM JUNG UN SEXIEST MAN ALIVE
By Michael Blaustein
New York Post
November 27, 2012
According to the official mouthpiece of China's Communist Party, North Korea's newest supreme leader, Kim Jung Un, is the sexiest man alive for 2012.
China's People Daily reached their oddball conclusion after taking an article from the satirical news Web site The Onion seriously.
"With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman's dream come true," the People's Daily quoted from The Onion.
"Kim made this newspaper's editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile," China's news agency continued in their quotation.
China is the second foreign power to take The Onion too seriously, earlier this year Iran's official news agency plagiarized The Onion's article, "Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama."
In Iran's case, the Persian country simply lifted fake information from The Onion which said that rural white Americans would rather vote for their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, than President Obama.
China, on the other hand, seemed to have simply missed the fact that The Onion's article was a joke, thus overlooking some obvious clues to the article's falsity.
For example, The Onion has a history of choosing clearly unsexy men for their award. In 2011 they chose Syria's despotic President Bashar al-Assad, in 2010 they went with ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff and in 2008 they picked Ted Kaczynski, The Unabomber.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
DETECTIVES OVERLOOKED CASEY ANTHONY’S ‘I KILLED MY DAUGHTER’ AMA ON REDDIT
The Onion / November 26, 2012
ORLANDO, FL—More than a year after Casey Anthony was acquitted of her daughter’s murder, the Florida sheriff’s office that investigated the case admitted Monday that it had overlooked a key piece of evidence: a discussion thread Anthony posted on the social news site Reddit titled “I killed my daughter AMA.”
“I am Casey Anthony, a 22-year-old mom who just murdered her 2-year-old daughter and hid her body in the woods. Ask me anything!” read an introductory bio at the top of the June 16, 2008 thread, in which Anthony responded in detail to users’ questions about how she knocked her child unconscious with chloroform before suffocating her with duct tape and attempting to cover up the incriminating evidence. “I’ll be on here for the next couple hours, happy to talk about any part of my experience and share tips, especially if you’re thinking about doing this yourself. I’m an open book!”
Investigators confirmed that Anthony’s post about how to properly stash your dead daughter’s corpse in a trash bag and store it in the trunk of your car received more than 500 up-votes.
ORLANDO, FL—More than a year after Casey Anthony was acquitted of her daughter’s murder, the Florida sheriff’s office that investigated the case admitted Monday that it had overlooked a key piece of evidence: a discussion thread Anthony posted on the social news site Reddit titled “I killed my daughter AMA.”
“I am Casey Anthony, a 22-year-old mom who just murdered her 2-year-old daughter and hid her body in the woods. Ask me anything!” read an introductory bio at the top of the June 16, 2008 thread, in which Anthony responded in detail to users’ questions about how she knocked her child unconscious with chloroform before suffocating her with duct tape and attempting to cover up the incriminating evidence. “I’ll be on here for the next couple hours, happy to talk about any part of my experience and share tips, especially if you’re thinking about doing this yourself. I’m an open book!”
Investigators confirmed that Anthony’s post about how to properly stash your dead daughter’s corpse in a trash bag and store it in the trunk of your car received more than 500 up-votes.
Friday, November 23, 2012
NEXT YEAR BLACK FRIDAY WILL START ON THE FIRST FRIDAY AFTER LABOR DAY
The Unconventional Gazette / November 23, 2012
Many of America’s retailers moved Black Friday ahead to 8 p.m. and 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day. Seeking good bargains, millions of shoppers flooded stores all across the nation when the store doors were opened Thursday evening.
Matt Shay, President and CEO of the National Retail Federation (NRF), today announced that, because early Black Friday was such an overwhelming success, next year NRF members will move Black Friday ahead to the first Friday after Labor Day, with the doors to be opened one minute after midnight on September 6, 2013.
NRF is the leading organization of American retailers and counts Walmart, Target, Macy’s, Kohl’s, Sears, Best Buy, Toys Я Us, Home Depot, Lowe’s, Walgreens, and CVS Pharmacy among its many members.
Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that this year retailers moved Black Friday ahead because their customers wanted to start their Christmas shopping earlier.
“We took a survey of Thursday night’s shoppers and found that they want to move Black Friday ahead even further,” said Shay. “When we mentioned the first Friday after Labor Day, most of our respondents said they were very much in favor of such a move.”
While many NRF members are already planning to hold Black Friday on September 6 next year, Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that “I can foresee moving Black Friday as far ahead as Easter sometime within the next few years."
Many of America’s retailers moved Black Friday ahead to 8 p.m. and 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day. Seeking good bargains, millions of shoppers flooded stores all across the nation when the store doors were opened Thursday evening.
Matt Shay, President and CEO of the National Retail Federation (NRF), today announced that, because early Black Friday was such an overwhelming success, next year NRF members will move Black Friday ahead to the first Friday after Labor Day, with the doors to be opened one minute after midnight on September 6, 2013.
NRF is the leading organization of American retailers and counts Walmart, Target, Macy’s, Kohl’s, Sears, Best Buy, Toys Я Us, Home Depot, Lowe’s, Walgreens, and CVS Pharmacy among its many members.
Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that this year retailers moved Black Friday ahead because their customers wanted to start their Christmas shopping earlier.
“We took a survey of Thursday night’s shoppers and found that they want to move Black Friday ahead even further,” said Shay. “When we mentioned the first Friday after Labor Day, most of our respondents said they were very much in favor of such a move.”
While many NRF members are already planning to hold Black Friday on September 6 next year, Shay told The Unconventional Gazette that “I can foresee moving Black Friday as far ahead as Easter sometime within the next few years."
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
NAKED WOMAN JUMPS INTO TAXI
The Unconventional Gazette / November 21, 2012
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, my twat or my ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her ..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, my twat or my ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her ..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
DEER STEALS CIGARETTES AFTER ATTACKING TWO MEN IN EAST TEXAS
By David Moye / The Huffington Post / November 19, 2012
One more reason not to smoke: Deer attacks.
Cole Kellis and Joseph Rose of Whitehouse, Texas, found out about this hazard on Friday when they ran into a young buck in their front yard, according to KETK-TV.
The deer seemed friendly, so Rose approached it.
Big mistake, as the deer charged them and began to attack. The men ran to Rose's pick-up hoping to escape, but the buck poked Rose in the ribs with his antlers, forcing Rose to jump into the back of the truck for safety.
Rose was safe, but his cigarettes were not.
"[The deer] climbed up [into the truck cab], put his front paws on my seat and got my pack of cigarettes and started chewing on them," Rose said.
When the buck got even more aggressive, Rose and Kellis called the police and the Game Warden for help.
Even with the use of a stun gun, it took five men to restrain the angry, tobacco-addicted buck.
Smith County Game Warden Dustin Dockery suggested that the whole incident could have been avoided.
"Admire deer from a distance, but do not approach them because they can be dangerous," he told the KETK-TV.
This nicotine-loving deer isn't the only antlered creature to cause trouble in recent months.
In October, a randy elk had to be relocated after he began trying to mate with cows on a Canadian ranch.
And back in September, a couple in Austin, Texas, had to deal with a deer that repeatedly attacked a sign supporting Barack Obama on their front lawn.
Signs supporting Republican candidates were unharmed.
One more reason not to smoke: Deer attacks.
Cole Kellis and Joseph Rose of Whitehouse, Texas, found out about this hazard on Friday when they ran into a young buck in their front yard, according to KETK-TV.
The deer seemed friendly, so Rose approached it.
Big mistake, as the deer charged them and began to attack. The men ran to Rose's pick-up hoping to escape, but the buck poked Rose in the ribs with his antlers, forcing Rose to jump into the back of the truck for safety.
Rose was safe, but his cigarettes were not.
"[The deer] climbed up [into the truck cab], put his front paws on my seat and got my pack of cigarettes and started chewing on them," Rose said.
When the buck got even more aggressive, Rose and Kellis called the police and the Game Warden for help.
Even with the use of a stun gun, it took five men to restrain the angry, tobacco-addicted buck.
Smith County Game Warden Dustin Dockery suggested that the whole incident could have been avoided.
"Admire deer from a distance, but do not approach them because they can be dangerous," he told the KETK-TV.
This nicotine-loving deer isn't the only antlered creature to cause trouble in recent months.
In October, a randy elk had to be relocated after he began trying to mate with cows on a Canadian ranch.
And back in September, a couple in Austin, Texas, had to deal with a deer that repeatedly attacked a sign supporting Barack Obama on their front lawn.
Signs supporting Republican candidates were unharmed.
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